Alternative Season Eight
by Kelly-Simba
Summary: This is how I would have written Season Eight. I hope you enjoy it
1. Default Chapter

_As an obsessive fan, being currently unemployed, and desperately waiting for season eight to start, I thought what the hell, why not give it a go at writing fan fiction. But who am I or any one else who has written a fan fic to even think that I can write anything like what the writers on Frasier do. But still there might be a new Joe Keenan or David Lloyd out there somewhere. Still, here is my effort. I would love to know what you think of it so let me know at kelly_simba@hotmail.com, and if the response is good I'll send in my other episodes. _

_As usual I do not own any of these characters. _

_It takes place immediately after the season seven episode 'Something Borrowed, Someone Blue.' _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Premiere   
The Bride, The Gloom, The Boyfriend and his Strife 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — DAY — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne) 

NILES, IN THE DRIVING SEAT, AND DAPHNE, IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. BOTH ARE STILL IN THEIR WEDDING CLOTHES 

NILES 

I can't believe this is happening. 

DAPHNE 

Me neither, I didn't think you were allowed to drive the Winnebago after the New Years Eve incident. 

NILES 

I didn't mean that. 

DAPHNE 

I know you didn't. It's like a dream except there's no singing dwarves or a rabbit that sounds like Keith Richards. 

NILES 

As long as it's a dream and not a nightmare. 

DAPHNE 

The only nightmare would be if you weren't here with me. 

NILES 

Yes because then no one would be driving. 

DAPHNE 

(LAUGHING) You silly sod. 

NILES 

Are you sure you want to do this? 

DAPHNE 

Well actually it was a little impulsive. Maybe we should turn back. 

NILES ACCIDENTALLY MAKES THE WINNEBAGO SWERVE AS HE HEARS THIS NEWS CAUSING BOTH OF THEM TO NEARLY BE FLUNG OUT OF THEIR SEATS BEFORE HE RETAKES CONTROL 

NILES 

What? I thought that… 

DAPHNE 

Calm down, I'm pulling your leg. 

NILES 

You mean you're glad that you did this? 

DAPHNE 

Glad is not the word. I'm ecstatic and relieved. 

NILES 

Relieved because we got away. 

DAPHNE 

No relieved that you still want me after what I did to you last night. 

NILES 

Forget about last night, what's important now is the future. 

DAPHNE 

But I can't forget I'm so sorry for the way I left you. I was being a coward. 

NILES 

You're no bigger coward then I am. Seven years have gone by and I never said a word and I had plenty of opportunities. 

DAPHNE 

I was terrified in case you didn't want me. 

NILES 

How could you think that? Daphne I would die for you. Didn't Roz ever tell you that? 

DAPHNE 

Roz? Why would Roz tell me? 

NILES 

Well when she told you how I felt about you, she must have gone into detail about it. Weren't you curious? 

DAPHNE 

Wait I'm a little confused here. Roz didn't tell me about you. 

NILES 

Well who did then? 

DAPHNE 

Your brother. 

NILES AGAIN AT THIS NEWS LOOSES CONTROL OF THE WINNEBAGO AND SWERVES AND THEN REGAINS CONTROL. 

NILES 

Frasier told you? That lying gas bag. He told me Roz told you. 

DAPHNE 

Does it really matter? I know. We're together and that's what's important, isn't it…Niles? 

NILES LAUGHS AT THE SOUND OF DAPHNE SAYING HIS NAME LIKE A SCHOOLBOY WHO HAS JUST BEEN TOLD A RUDE JOKE 

NILES 

God I love you. 

DAPHNE 

And I love you. 

AT THIS NILES ONCE AGAIN LOOSES CONTROL OF THE WINNEBAGO 

DAPHNE 

God this is going to be rough. 

NILES 

Here's the highway. Which way do I go? 

DAPHNE 

I don't know. 

NILES 

We have two options. We can either go back to Seattle or we can go away for a few of days. 

DAPHNE 

As nice as that sounds, I don't think we should. 

NILES 

What have you got against Seattle? 

DAPHNE 

(LAUGHING) I meant going away for a couple of days. We should face the inevitable and go back to Seattle. We can call Donny and Mel from there where it's safe and comfortable and explain. We've got the rest of our lives to go wherever we want, but right now we need to do this. Is that OK with you Niles? 

NILES ONCE AGAIN LAUGHS LIKE A SCHOOLBOY 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh brother. 

NILES STILL SMILING AND DAPHNE SHAKING HER HEAD CONTINUE DRIVING AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

EXTERNAL — GARDEN OF THE WAYSIDE INN — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Mel, Roz, Simon) 

MARTIN AND FRASIER ARE BOTH STANDING AT THE DRINKS TABLE, DRINKING CHAMPAGNE AND PRETENDING NOT TO LOOK MISERABLE 

FRASIER 

What the hell is taking so long? Daphne's brothers have been back ten minutes why hasn't she come out yet. 

MARTIN 

You know Daph, she always wants to look her best, she's probably just putting on some more makeup or something. 

FRASIER 

Yeah I guess your right. 

MARTIN 

But when she gets out here I don't want you saying a word about last night. The situation is already awkward enough without you making her feel guilty. 

FRASIER 

Oh course I'm not going to say anything. She was upset enough last night when I saw her going back to her room after talking with Niles. I'm not going to make her feel worse. She's made her decision and I'll stand by her and support her, just like I'll stand by and support Niles. I'm not going to hide the fact that I'd rather be supporting them together but… 

MARTIN 

Hush up Mel's coming over. 

MEL ENTERS WITH A GLASS OF WINE IN HER HAND 

MEL 

Have either of you seen Niles? He went to get some aspirin nearly an hour ago. 

MARTIN 

What does he need aspirin for? 

MEL 

Hell should I know, after all I'm just his wife. Like why should he tell me where his going or why he didn't come to bed all night. 

MARTIN 

He didn't come to bed last night? 

MEL 

Isn't that what I just said. So anyway have you seen him? I simple yes or no would be appreciated. 

FRASIER 

No, sorry Mel. To be honest I'm more interested to know where Daphne is. But as a new bride yourself I'm sure you must know what's she's doing to prepare before she comes out. 

MEL 

In preparing for my wedding I got Niles to change his jacket and tie and I took a Prozac. 

MARTIN 

I'm sure you'll treasure those memories forever. 

MEL 

If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him. 

FRASIER 

Of course. 

MEL EXITS

MARTIN 

If she's looking for him no wonder he's hiding. What have I done to deserve this? Lilith, Maris and now Mel. It's just to spoil the holidays isn't it? To make me want to move into a home. 

FRASIER 

If you're going to start complaining that you have been hard done by I only have to mention Sherry and her banjo. 

ROZ ENTERS AND WALKS OVER TO THEM AND TAKES FRASIER'S CHAMPAGNE OUT OF HIS HAND 

ROZ 

You don't mind if I have some of this do you? 

SHE KNOCKS BACK THE DRINK AND GIVES THE EMPTY GLASS BACK TO FRASIER AND THEN TAKES MARTIN'S OFF HIM 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

And you don't really like this stuff. 

SHE KNOCKS BACK MARTIN'S DRINK AND THEN TAKES ANOTHER GLASS OFF THE TABLE 

FRASIER 

What is wrong with you? 

ROZ 

What's wrong with me? Your brother, that's what's wrong with me. 

FRASIER 

Why? What's he done this time? 

ROZ 

Two things. The first thing I can't tell you about for another 

GRABS FRASIER'S WRIST AND LOOKS AT HIS WATCH 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Three, no two minutes. But the other one. I have possibly the worst hangover of my life because of him. 

MARTIN 

How's that his fault? 

ROZ 

Last night after Simon totally humiliated me in front of Tim I decided to have a little session of sorrow drowning. I was only going to have one drink and then go to bed when Niles walks in like he'd lost a million dollars and found a half eaten Bulldog. 

FRASIER 

That's a lovely image Roz but are we getting to the point sometime soon? 

ROZ 

Yes. He was so upset and told me all about what had happened with Daphne and so we decided to do a little sorrow drowning together. 

FRASIER 

You didn't sleep with him? 

ROZ 

Are you kidding? No I didn't sleep with him. How can you think that? Me and your brother? That's almost like you and me. 

FRASIER 

As flattered as I am by that, can we return to your story? 

ROZ 

The problem is your brother has more money than you can shake a stick at and insisted on buying drinks all night for me and half the bar. The last thing I can remember is Niles carrying me into the lift and hitting the floor button with my toe. I got up this morning to take a shower and he'd thrown up it. Have you ever tried to hose down someone else's sick when you already feel like you're about to hurl? 

MARTIN 

Are you sure you should still be drinking now? 

ROZ 

The only thing I learned in collage was the best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk. So that's what I'm doing. I need something to numb the events of the day ahead. Anyway, the more I drink, the better I look in this dress. 

FRASIER 

I didn't realise Niles had been like that last night. He just told us what had happened and said he was going to bed. I feel guilty for leaving him alone this morning. 

ROZ 

Oh he's not alone. 

MARTIN 

What do you mean? We left him about ten minutes ago in the Winnebago, he was going to stay there until the ceremony was over. 

ROZ 

Let me see your watch 

SHE GRABS FRASIER'S ARM 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

All right it's time, I'll spill. 

FRASIER 

Spill what? 

ROZ 

Not my drink, because it's empty. (TO BARTENDER) Hay you, fill this up for me please. Fifteen minutes ago Daphne cornered me in the toilet to get me to stall until they had a good head start, unless she came back and then she wouldn't have gone through with it anyway but that's beside the point. 

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? 

ROZ 

Daphne has run off with Niles. As least she was going to if he didn't tell her to beat it. And as she's nowhere to be seen, I guess he didn't. 

MARTIN 

They've what. 

FRASIER 

How could they? Neither of them have a car. 

SIMON ENTERS AND PICKS UP TWO GLASSES 

SIMON 

Hey Marty, I just went to take me new lady friend over there (WAVING TO HER), to show her how spacious the back of your Winnebago is but to my surprise it's gone. Where have you moved it to, because the way my lucks going I could have my end away here. 

MARTIN 

Erm yeah, we had to move it. Receptions got the key and knows where it is. 

SIMON 

Sorted then. Come on dear this way. I've got no idea what her name is but she's as fit as a butcher's dog. Still it don't matter if I shout the wrong name out does it. I just want you to know though Roz that I'll be thinking of you, hopefully more than once. 

SIMON EXITS

ROZ 

It has to be the drink because I was just so turned on by him. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God I don't believe this. 

MARTIN 

I know jeez Roz, it's Simon. 

FRASIER 

Not that, Niles and Daphne. Are they really gone? 

MARTIN 

You heard Simon, the Winnebago's gone. Oh my god Niles is driving my Winnebago. Well now Mel and Donny won't have to kill them, Niles will probably do it for them. 

FRASIER 

Well what do we do? 

ROZ 

We? Leave me out of this. I've done my bit. I've put on this god-awful dress and covered for Daphne while she climbed out of the toilet window to run off with your weedy little brother. That's it. I'm through. 

MARTIN 

I can't believe they left us to clean this up. 

FRASIER 

They would have just wanted to get away. Niles especially in case Daphne changed her mind again. We're going to have to talk to Donny and Mel, it's as simple as that. 

MARTIN 

What do you mean we? 

FRASIER 

You don't have to say anything. You can just be my backup. 

ROZ 

Some backup. An old man with a cane. 

FRASIER 

I'll go and find both of them and take them to my room for some privacy. This isn't the kind of news you need to be told in front of a hundred strangers. Dad you get Miss. Carney to make an announcement to the group and meet me upstairs. 

MARTIN 

Are you going to tell them both together? 

FRASIER 

I don't want to have to do it twice and besides they may be able to find some comfort in each other. 

MARTIN 

Or they might find it easier to beat the crap out of us. 

FRASIER 

Why us? We haven't done anything. Niles and Daphne dumped them. 

ROZ 

I don't think they'll see it like that. 

FRASIER 

Well then maybe I should do it here where there's witnesses and a bar and trees to hide behind in case they start throwing things. 

MARTIN 

Just get a move on. 

AS FRASIER AND MARTIN WALK OFF WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — DAY — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne) 

DAPHNE IS NOW DRIVING THE WINNEBAGO WITH NILES IN THE PASSENGER SEAT 

NILES 

Are you sure you don't want me take over? 

DAPHNE 

I'm sure. I'd at least like to live long enough to go out on one date with you. 

NILES 

You mean you want to go on a date with me. 

DAPHNE 

Have you been asleep for the last twenty-four hours? It wouldn't make a lot of sense to run out on my fiancé for the man that I really love and then not go out on a date with him. 'Well that was fun but now I fancy being an old maid.' 

NILES 

I know, I'm sorry, I'm not quite myself today. 

DAPHNE 

Didn't you get a lot of sleep last night? I didn't sleep a wink. 

NILES 

To be honest I don't know. 

DAPHNE 

How could you not know? 

NILES 

I went and had a drink or twenty with Roz after you left last night. I remember putting her in bed right after she fell off the barstool and the bartender kicked us out. So I took you to her room and then I remember feeling really quite ill. Then for some reason I decided that the best way to feel better was to raid Roz's mini bar. I was woken this morning by the grounds keeper prodding me next to the wishing well where I apparently passed out. I guess my wish came true. 

DAPHNE 

You're so sweet. You did all that over me? 

NILES 

Well I wasn't sick over you but the way I'm feeling I wouldn't rule it out. 

DAPHNE 

Why don't you lie down in the back? I'll be all right driving this thing. 

NILES 

I'd rather stay here with you. Besides there's something I'd like to talk to you about. 

DAPHNE 

If we're going to get into that now I think we should at least make a deal. 

NILES 

A deal? What do you mean? 

DAPHNE 

We take it in turns to ask each other a question. Because by the time I've finished asking everything I want to know we could have driven to New York and back. 

NILES 

I'm game if you are. 

DAPHNE 

Don't tempt me. OK me first. Do you remember when we went to the Snow Ball? 

NILES 

I already know where this is headed. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TALKING AND HEADING DOWN THE HIGHWAY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, GO…' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM IN THE WAYSIDE INN — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Mel, Donny) 

FRASIER AND MARTIN ARE PACKING THEIR BAGS AT GREAT SPEED. SOUNDS OF SCREAMS, SHOUTS AND SMASHES CAN BE HEARD QUITE LOUDLY GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND 

FRASIER 

Come on dad, faster then that. 

MARTIN 

I'm going as quick as I can. I do have a limp and a cane you know. Try phoning Niles again. 

FRASIER GETS OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS 

FRASIER 

No nothing, he still has it switched off. There's no way to warn them. We have to get to them before Mel and Donny do. 

MARTIN 

We don't even know where there headed. 

FRASIER 

If they're not in Seattle then there's no chance that Mel and Donny will be able to find them. But we need to get back in case they've gone home. 

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS DOWN ON THE BED 

ROZ 

Hey guys. How did it go? 

FRASIER 

Oh wonderful. They're over the moon about it. They have Greek heritage that's why they've decided to smash everything. 

MARTIN 

Right I'm packed let's go. 

ROZ 

What are you leaving already? 

FRASIER 

We have to. We've got to find them before Mel and Donny do. That's if they've gone back to Seattle, I pray for their own sake that they haven't. 

ROZ 

Well, wait and I'll come with you. 

FRASIER 

But we have to leave now. 

ROZ 

Listen buddy, there is no way you're leaving me here with a bunch of other people's angry relatives. I am not going home with Simon. Between him and his brothers on the way up here I was hit on more times than a pinata. 

FRASIER 

Very well then, go pack. 

SHE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND THEN COMES OUT WITH HER ARMS FULL OF COMPLIMENTARY SHAMPOO AND BUBBLE BATH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What are you doing? 

ROZ 

Well you weren't going to take them. And I'm not going to miss a bunch of freebees. 

FRASIER 

Very well, just hurry up. 

SHE THEN TAKES A BOTTLE OF VODKA OUT OF THE MINI BAR 

ROZ 

I'll need something to help me pack. 

ROZ EXITS

FRASIER 

Perhaps a liver transplant. 

MEL ENTERS WITH A SUITCASE IN HAND 

MEL 

I would just like to say thank you Frasier for the time we've spent together today. You make up the spine that your bastard brother lacks. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and find my husband and his whore. 

FRASIER 

Wait Mel, maybe you should stop and think about this. I wouldn't want you to do anything rash because you'll regret it in the clear light of day. 

MEL 

If I needed your advice Frasier I would call your show. Right now I don't give a rats ass what you think Frasier because personally I don't think removing your husbands testicles can be considered rash behaviour. And do you know why I'm going to do that? Because he's a lying, cheating bastard. 

FRASIER 

You act like that's a bad thing. 

MEL 

Are you ready Donny? 

DONNY ENTERS CARRYING A BAG 

DONNY 

Yes. Are we going in separate cars or do you want to ride with me? 

MARTIN 

Listen Donny, Mel, I'm begging you. Please don't be hasty about this. Why don't you just take some time to cool down so that you can discuss this with them like calm rational adults? 

DONNY 

We don't want to that's why. All I want right now is to see your son's head on a silver platter. 

FRASIER 

Me? What have I done? 

DONNY 

Not you, Niles. Although I do know that you played some part in this and when I find out exactly what you did I will make you wish you never heard the name Donald Ronald Douglas. Mel, are you ready? Feel like killing a crane? 

MEL 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Listen Donny, believe me, I know what you're going through. I was left at the altar as well. But look at me, I turned out fine. 

DONNY 

Divorced twice, single and living with your father. I'm so lucky I've got that to look forward to. 

MEL 

Goodbye Frasier, Dad. 

MEL AND DONNY EXIT

MARTIN 

She sure knows how to put the boot in. 

ROZ ENTERS RUNNING AND CARRYING HER BAG 

ROZ 

OK I'm ready. Let's go. 

MARTIN 

We've got to beat them back there. 

ROZ 

Are you kidding? The way Frasier drives we'll be lucky to make it back by Thanksgiving. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm not letting an old man with a cane or a woman with more alcohol than blood in her veins drive my car. 

MARTIN 

Just get going. 

THEY EXIT WITH FRASIER LEFT TO CARRY ALL OF THEIR BAGS AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — DAY — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz) 

THE WINNEBAGO AS BEFORE WITH NILES AND DAPHNE IN A FIT OF HYSTERICS 

DAPHNE 

I can't believe you did that. What did Dr. Crane say to her? 

NILES 

I don't know but she runs for cover every time I see her now with a look of horror on her face. 

DAPHNE 

I can't believe after all this time that I was Phyllis. All those wonderful things you said about her, I guess were actually about me. 

NILES 

And I meant every word. 

DAPHNE 

You're so sweet. I don't know what I've done to deserve you. 

NILES 

Massaged my dad's ass for seven years to start with. 

DAPHNE 

Seriously now though. Where are we going? To the Elliot Bay or the Montana? 

NILES 

Do you want to see Donny today? 

DAPHNE 

God no. 

NILES 

Does he have your key to Frasier's place? 

DAPHNE 

Yes he does. 

NILES 

Then lets go to the Montana. He doesn't have a key to there. 

DAPHNE 

You're just trying to get me back to your place. 

NILES 

How could you think that? I'm just trying to protect you so you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. 

DAPHNE 

Ok I'm sorry (LONG PAUSE) but you are though aren't you? 

NILES 

Yes. But if Donny does come back to Seattle today you won't have to see him if you're over at my place. 

DAPHNE 

But what about Mel? The first place she'll go is to your place. 

NILES 

Then we go on to the second floor and don't answer the door. And how are they going to know we're there if we don't answer the door or phone? 

DAPHNE 

Fine then, the Montana it is. Although what are your neighbours going to think when you pull up in a Winnebago with a woman in a wedding gown? 

NILES 

That I've finally lost my mind. 

DAPHNE 

They have been thinking that since you moved in there. 

NILES 

But you know what? I don't care. As long as you're with me I don't care what the rest of the word thinks. 

DAPHNE 

Remind me to kiss you for that when I pull over. 

NILES 

I'll write it in my diary. Make out with Daphne for being so sweet. 

DAPHNE 

(LAUGHING) Don't you think you'd better call your brother and let him know what's going on? 

NILES 

What that we're planning to make out over at my place. 

DAPHNE 

How about you lead up to that? 

NILES 

OK 

TAKES OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Hi Frasier. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER IS DRIVING HIS SPEEDING BMW WITH MARTIN, SITTING IN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT, AND ROZ, LYING ACROSS THE BACK SEAT, LOOKING LIKE A PAIR OF HOSTAGES 

FRASIER 

Niles, oh thank God, you've called. Are you both all right? 

MARTIN 

Is the Winnebago all right? 

RESET TO: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

We're fine Frasier. A little giddy and I'm struggling to contain my hormones, but other than that everything's A OK. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN 

Ask him about the Winnebago. 

FRASIER 

In a minute Dad. No it's not Niles. Mel and Donny are… 

RESET TO: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

I know and we're so sorry for leaving you to deal with it like that but we just had to get away. We're going to phone them the moment we get home. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

Tell him I'm going to kill him for puking in my bathtub. Daphne I hope you know he's not as charming as you think. 

MARTIN 

What about the Road warrior? 

FRASIER 

Will you two pipe down? No Niles you don't understand. They are both extremely angry and as we speak hurtling down the highway back to Seattle to hunt you two down. 

RESET TO: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Where are you? 

FRASIER 

(OVER THE PHONE) We're trying to get back before they do. 

NILES 

Are they really that mad? 

FRASIER 

Niles that tiny little woman picked up a desk and threw it across the room at me. She nearly made dad cry. Donny's so rigged with anger he had trouble bending to get into the car. The best thing that the two of you can do is lay low until they have the chance to cool down. Where are you going? 

NILES 

Back to my place. Donny has Daphne's key so we couldn't go back to your place. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

OK stay there and don't answer the door to anyone but me. 

NILES 

Why who else is coming? 

FRASIER 

There is practically a procession of cars behind me. Everyone wants to kill you. 

NILES 

Like who? 

FRASIER 

Daphne's parents for one. Not to mention Donny's parents and all of Daphne's brothers, particularly Simon. 

RESET TO: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Why Simon? 

FRASIER 

As he so politely put it 'You ran off to shag his sister while he was gagging for it himself.' 

NILES 

And they're all heading back to Seattle? 

FRASIER 

Yes and when they see you're not at my place, it's not going to take long before they head over to the Montana. 

NILES 

Oh my God. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

It'll be OK 

ROZ 

Ok my ass. They want to kill him. 

FRASIER 

You just need to stay out of their way until they all have a chance to cool down. 

MARTIN 

Ask him about the Winnebago. 

FRASIER 

All right Dad. Niles, Dad wants to know if the Winnebago's all right. 

NILES 

Tell him it's fine, Daphne's driving it and doing a very good job. 

FRASIER 

It's OK, Daphne's driving it. 

ROZ 

Now we know straight away whose wearing the pants in this relationship. 

FRASIER 

Look Niles, everything will be fine. You just need to leave it a couple of days until everyone has had time to calm down or leave the country. 

NILES 

Ok, bye Frasier. 

HANGING UP THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

They're going to kill them. 

RESET TO: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

They're going to kill us. 

ON THEIR WORRIED LOOKS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: HOME, SWEET AHHHHH… 

FADE IN: 

INT. HALLWAY OF THE MONTANA — DAY — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne) 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT OFF THE ELEVATOR AND GO TO UNLOCK THE DOOR 

DAPHNE 

That Taxi driver thought we were off our rocker. 

NILES 

You'd think that no one ever took a taxi wearing wedding outfits before. 

DAPHNE 

Mr. Crane will be glad to see the Winnebago parked in its space in one piece. 

NILES 

They'd have known we were here straight away if we hadn't have left it at Frasier's. But lets forget about it now. Mel and Donny may not even come here. Put it to the back of your mind until they've had a chance to cool down. Then we can sit down and talk to them like calm rational adults. 

DAPHNE 

Do you think they'll ever forgive us? 

NILES 

In time possibly. Trust me, I know people. I am a therapist you know. 

DAPHNE 

I just feel so guilty. 

NILES 

Forget about it for today. 

NILES OPENS THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' APARTMENT — DAY — DAY/1

THEY ENTER AND ARE WELCOMED BY A LARGE BANNER THAT READS 'CONGRATULATIONS MEL AND NILES', HUNDREDS OF BALLOONS AND A TABLE FULL OF WEDDING GIFTS 

DAPHNE 

Well it should be fairly easy to forget about it. 

NILES 

The doorman must have let them in. 

DAPHNE 

If he lets in a bunch of barmy buggers with balloons he's going to have no hesitation of giving your wife the key is he? 

NILES 

I'll call him and tell him to give the key to no one but me. 

DAPHNE 

Isn't he going to think that's a little odd? Locking your wife out of your house four days after your wedding? 

NILES 

I'll say I'm redecorating and we're spending the night in a hotel and I don't want her to see what I'm doing. 

DAPHNE 

He's not going to believe that. He's just seen you go by with a woman in a wedding dress. He probably thinks you're a bigamist and collecting wives for a rainy day. 

NILES 

I don't care what he thinks. I'll just tell him he's not to give her the key. End of story. 

DAPHNE 

Right, while you do that I've got to get out of this wedding dress. 

NILES 

Well I don't have to call him right away. I could give you a hand. 

DAPHNE 

(KISSING HIM) Just call him. Do you mind if I borrow your dressing gown? 

NILES 

Of course. You can wear it everyday if you like. As long as you know I may want to share it with you after dinner, before dinner, during dinner. 

DAPHNE 

I don't see any problem with that. 

DAPHNE EXITS UPSTAIRS. NILES WATCHES HER EXIT AND AS SOON AS SHE HAS GONE SUDDENLY LOOSES CONTROL OF HIS LEGS AND COLLAPSES ON THE FAINTING COUCH MOUTHING THE WORDS 'THANK YOU GOD' TO THE HEAVENS AS WE: 

FADE OUT: 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: SO THAT'S HOW THEY USED TO BEHEAD PEOPLE 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S BMW — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Roz) 

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ARE SEATED AS BEFORE WITH MARTIN BEGINNING TO GIGGLE IN HIS SEAT AND ROZ LOOKING VERY ILL 

ROZ 

For God's sake Frasier will you slow down? 

FRASIER 

You're the one who told me to speed up. 

ROZ 

I asked you to get a move on not give me a face lift from the g-force. 

FRASIER 

I don't care we have got to get to Niles and Daphne before Mel and Donny do. 

ROZ 

They've got to be miles in front of us by now. So what does it matter if we get back in twenty minutes or an hour and twenty, we're still going to have to call the morgue. 

FRASIER 

Oh will you sober up, I don't want to have to service my car. 

ROZ 

Look I already know the ground rules for travelling in your car. If I feel as if I'm going to be sick I stick my head out of the window far enough so that I don't get any on the paint work but not so far that I get decapitated. 

FRASIER 

I hope they're both all right. 

MARTIN 

Jeez, will you calm down Fras. We passed Mel and Donny about forty-five minutes ago. 

FRASIER 

What?! 

MARTIN 

We drove passed them about forty-five minutes ago. 

FRASIER 

How do you know? 

MARTIN 

I saw them. 

ROZ 

You saw them? 

FRASIER 

Shut up Roz. You saw them? 

MARTIN 

Yeah, we went passed them as they pulled into a gas station at the exit. 

FRASIER 

How fast where they? 

MARTIN 

At the gas station? 

FRASIER 

No not at the gas station. How fast were they driving? 

MARTIN 

Jeez, I don't know Fras. I didn't bring my speedometer with me. 

FRASIER 

Well were they going faster than we were? 

ROZ 

How could they have been going faster than us, we over took them Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Be quiet Roz. 

MARTIN 

How could they have been going faster than us, we over took them Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Well why didn't you tell me? 

MARTIN 

Because I need to use the bathroom and I knew you'd never stop, so I figured the quicker we got back the sooner I could go. 

FRASIER 

Oh Dad. Do you see them behind us Roz? (PAUSE) Roz (PAUSE) Roz! 

ROZ 

Oh I'm allowed to speak now am I? 

FRASIER 

Roz, I'm sorry it's just… 

ROZ 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. 

SHE LOOKS THROUGH THE REAR WINDOW 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

No they're long gone in your attempt to break the land speed record. 

FRASIER 

You'll never complain I drive to slow again. 

ROZ 

You'll be lucky if I get in a car with you again. 

FRASIER 

Isn't you car in the shop? 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Do you need a ride into work tomorrow? 

ROZ 

Yes, thanks Frasier. That would be great. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. So will you pull over now? 

FRASIER 

You've waited this long, you can wait a little longer. 

AS THEY CONTINUE DRIVING BACK TO SEATTLE WE: 

FADE OUT: 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: WHO'S THE BIGGER DRAGON? 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' APARTMENT — DAY — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Mel, Donny, Mrs. Moon, Simon) 

DAPHNE, NOW DRESSED IN NILES' ROBE, IS SEATED ON THE FAINTING COUCH WHILE NILES STANDS ON A CHAIR AND TRIES TO PULL THE CONGRATULATIONS SIGN DOWN 

DAPHNE 

Watch you don't fall off that chair. 

NILES 

It's fine, I've got it now. 

HE STEPS DOWN OFF THE CHAIR AND SCREWS UP THE BANNER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What's wrong? You look sad. 

DAPHNE 

I'm just starting to feel really guilty. We've ruined two people's lives. 

HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER 

NILES 

Yes, you can look at it that way. But I prefer to focus on another angle. 

DAPHNE 

And what angle would that be? 

NILES 

Why should four people be miserable, when two people can be ecstatic? 

DAPHNE 

But you started with four people in that equation. What happens to the other two? 

HE LEANS IN TOWARDS HER 

NILES 

You always get a couple of remainders left over in math. 

DAPHNE 

Math has never been one of your strong points has it? 

NILES 

Not really, but if you want me to, I can show you one of my strong points. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE 

I don't like that look in your eye. 

NILES 

Well you're going to have to get used to that look. It comes right before this. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE 

Oh doctor. Tell me more. 

THEY KISS AGAIN 

SFX: DOORBELL

THEY SUDDENLY BOTH FREEZE WITH FREIGHT 

NILES 

Oh my god. It's Mel and Donny. 

DAPHNE 

(WHISPERING) Keep your voice down. Don't let them know we're here. 

SFX: DOORBELL

NILES 

(WHISPERING) This is ridiculous. I feel like a hostage in my own house. 

DAPHNE 

(WHISPERING) There's no way your answering that door. It's just going to make matters worse if they see me in your bleedin' bathrobe. 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) Oh my god. I just thought of something. 

HE PUSHES HER FLAT ON HER BACK AND THEN JUMPS ALMOST ON TOP OF HER 

DAPHNE 

(WHISPERING) Niles, I know we've been together for nearly three hours, but your wife and my fiancé are standing outside that door. I don't think it would be that appropriate if were to… you know. 

SFX: DOORBELL

THE SOUND OF THE DOORBELL IS FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF SOMEONE POUNDING ON THE DOOR WITH THEIR FISTS. 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) No you don't understand. If they look through the keyhole they'll see us. 

DAPHNE 

(WHISPERING) Of course, I knew that. Forget what I said. 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) What about pencilling it in my diary to make out now? 

DAPHNE 

(WHISPERING) How on earth did I not notice you acting this goofy for seven years? 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) I hid it well. I have always been the master of deception. 

THE DOOR IS THEN UNLOCKED AND FLUNG OPEN AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

My God. When I told you two to lay low I didn't mean or you to take it quite so literally. 

ENTER MARTIN WHO HURRIEDLY PUSHES PAST 

MARTIN 

Get out of my way, I gotta pee. 

MARTIN EXITS UP THE STAIRS AS ROZ ENTERS AND PUSHES PAST FRASIER 

ROZ 

Get out of my way, I'm gonna hurl. 

NILES 

Then run woman, run. Mind the carpets. Both of you. 

ROZ 

Daphne, come and hold my hair. 

DAPHNE 

I'm coming. 

EXIT ROZ AND DAPHNE WHO BOTH RUN UP THE STAIRS 

FRASIER 

(DISAPPROVINGLY) Oh Niles, couldn't you have waited a while. 

NILES 

Waited a while for what? 

FRASIER 

You know very well what I mean mister, Daphne. 

NILES 

I've waited seven years for her Frasier. And in case it escaped your notice she was going to become Mrs. Donny Douglas this morning. If I had waited any longer it would have been… 

FRASIER 

Adultery on two counts. 

NILES 

Frasier, what are you saying? You now disapprove of my seeing Daphne after everything that you've done to try to push us together over the last week. 

FRASIER 

The bathrobe Niles. Daphne wearing your bathrobe and you've been together what, two and half-hours, at the most. 

NILES 

Frasier, you don't mean. (DISGUSTED) Frasier! 

FRASIER 

Don't play all innocent with me. I just think you should have been more careful, for all you knew it could have been Mel and Donny outside that door with a gun instead of me, a practically incontinent man with a cane and a woman who needs to book into the Betty Ford clinic. 

ENTER MARTIN WALKING BACK DOWN THE STAIRS 

MARTIN 

I heard that. If you'd have pulled over when I said, I wouldn't now have badly damaged kidneys and print all over my pants from when you made me sit on a newspaper in case I couldn't hold it anymore. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sorry dad, but I have a date on Friday. I don't want to have to pull up and say 'don't mind the smell, my dad drank too much beer at the wedding from hell.' 

NILES 

Listen Frasier, for your information Daphne is wearing my bathrobe because she wanted to get out of her wedding dress and all my pleated skirts and summer dresses are at the dry cleaners. 

FRASIER 

Oh, but you two were, well you know. 

NILES 

We thought that it was Mel and Donny ringing on the doorbell and we lay down so that they wouldn't be able to see us through the keyhole. 

FRASIER 

Oh sorry Niles. So you haven't… 

NILES 

No. Of course not. 

FRASIER 

Pencilled it in for later? 

NILES 

(CHILDISHLY GIDDY) Yes. 

FRASIER 

I have only one thing to say to you brother. 

NILES 

I know and we're so sorry for running off like that. But when she burst into the Winnebago and asked me to drive. There was no way I was coming back. 

FRASIER 

Actually I was going to save that for later. 

NILES 

What was it you wanted to say then. 

FRASIER HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS TO HUG HIM 

FRASIER 

Congratulations Niles 

THEY HUG 

NILES 

Thank you Frasier, for everything 

MARTIN 

(EMBRACING NILES) I'm so happy for you son. 

NILES 

Thanks Dad. Once again I am so sorry for leaving you two to handle everything like that. If I could do it over again then I'd come back and set everything right. 

FRASIER 

Oh it wasn't that bad. It was a picnic compared to my wedding to Lilith. 

MARTIN 

Having the entire wedding party dying of food poisoning would have been a picnic compared to your wedding to Lilith. 

FRASIER 

Believe me if I could turn back the clock I'd have kept the shrimp in the boiler room instead of the fridge. 

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER BACK DOWN THE STAIRS 

DAPHNE 

It's all right, I don't think you got any on your dress. 

MARTIN 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Would you notice if she had? 

NILES 

Did you make it to the toilet? 

ROZ 

No, I did it in your bath to get even. 

NILES 

Bath? (REALISING) The bath. Oh no. I am so sorry Roz. At least that explains the tile marks I found on my face before I emptied your mini bar. I apologise from the bottom of my heart, but I was a little worse for wear. 

ROZ 

He threw up in may bath, did the little Casanova tell you that Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

Have you been drinking again this morning? 

FRASIER 

Not so that you'd notice. 

DAPHNE 

Come on you, I'm going to make you some coffee. 

ROZ 

I'll only drink it if you put some brandy in it. 

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

And while we're on the subject of drinks, would anyone like to join me in a celebratory one. 

ROZ 

(FROM THE KITCHEN) I would. 

NILES 

Come on, I've got some champagne in the fridge. 

MARTIN 

Haven't you got anything that's…? 

NILES 

In an aluminum can? Yes Dad, I have beer. 

NILES, FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. KITCHEN OF THE MONTANA — DAY — DAY/1

ROZ IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH HER HEAD ON IT. DAPHNE IS PUTTING SOME COFFEE ON AS FRASIER GETS OUT SOME GLASSES AND NILES GETS THE CHAMPAGNE AND BALLANTINE 

DAPHNE 

Dr. Crane, I really must say, how terrible I feel for leaving you to cope like that. 

FRASIER 

It's all right Daphne, forget about it. 

DAPHNE 

But I feel as if I should make it up to you somehow. 

FRASIER 

That's fine. And I know exactly how you can do that. 

DAPHNE 

I feel a nightmare coming on. 

FRASIER 

On the contrary, all you need to do is be happy, because all the revelations over the last week have not made just one of the Crane boys happy, but all three. And all I ask of you is to be happy because I haven't seen you with that smile on your face for a very long time and I've missed it. 

DAPHNE 

Thankyou Dr. Crane. 

MARTIN 

What about me? I was at that train wreak of a wedding, as well you know. 

DAPHNE 

I know, I'm sorry, thankyou Mr. Crane. 

MARTIN 

You're not getting out of it that easily with me, I want pancakes in the morning. 

DAPHNE 

Well you can get them yourself then, you lazy old sod. 

MARTIN 

Niles, I have to say on first appearances, I don't like your new girlfriend all that much. 

SHE HUGS HIM 

DAPHNE 

Oh come here. I'll cook you whatever you want. It's just so nice to know that I don't have to leave. I've been dreading it for weeks. 

NILES 

Was that only because you were going to miss home? Or was there another reason? 

DAPHNE 

Oh now don't you start getting all insecure on me now Niles. 

NILES ONCE AGAIN LAUGHS AT THE SOUND OF HIS NAME 

FRASIER 

Oh so it's Niles now is it? 

DAPHNE 

I came to the conclusion that everyone would think it was some sort of weird, kinky, foreplay if I kept calling him Dr. Crane. And after all many people do call their boyfriends by their first names, so Niles it is. 

NILES LAUGHS AGAIN 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I hope you grow out of that. It's going to be a lot of good in church one day saying me vows 'I take thee Niles' and having you wetting yourself laughing. 

NILES 

Do you really see us lasting that long? 

DAPHNE 

My God, why on earth are you so insecure? 

NILES 

You met Maris right? 

FRASIER 

If I can just but in here, if I don't see a couple of kids and twin burial plots out of this I shall be sorely disappointed. Well if I may, I'd like to propose a toast. 

THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES APART FROM ROZ WHO REMAINS ALMOST ASLEEP ON THE TABLE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

To Niles and Daphne. Some people go through their entire lives without finding that one true person they are meant to spend the rest of their life with. The person who sets you soul on fire each morning. After eight years, you've finally found each other and Dad and I couldn't be happier for you. Congratulations. 

THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES AND HAVE A DRINK 

SFX: DOORBELL

THEY ALL FREEZE AND THEN JUMP AS THE DOOR IS BANGED ON 

DONNY 

(FROM THE HALL) Niles, you bastard, open the goddamn door. 

MEL 

(FROM THE HALL) We know you're in there you little tramp. 

NILES 

Oh my god, what do we do? 

FRASIER 

Nothing, they can't get in. In a minute they'll realise your not home and leave. And with any luck cool off a bit. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LOUNGE IN APARTMENT — DAY — DAY/1

THE DOOR THEN UNLOCKS AND MEL AND DONNY ENTER

DONNY 

We know you're here. You can't hide forever. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' KITCHEN — DAY — DAY/1

NILES CROUCHES ON THE FLOOR AND PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN SLIGHTLY TO SEE WHAT MEL AND DONNY ARE DOING 

MEL 

It doesn't look like they've been here. I knew we should have gone to his brother's tacky hole first. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' KITCHEN — DAY — DAY/1

FRASIER 

Hey. 

NILES 

Shhhhh. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LOUNGE — DAY — DAY/1

DONNY 

What was that? 

MEL 

What was what? 

DONNY 

That noise. 

MEL 

I didn't hear anything. Come on let's go, they're obviously not here. 

DONNY 

Probably shacked up in that god awful Winnebago some where. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' KITCHEN — DAY — DAY/1

MARTIN 

Hey 

DAPHNE 

Shhhhh. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LOUNGE — DAY — DAY/1

MEL AND DONNY NOTICE THAT THE SOUND IS COMING FROM THE KITCHEN AND MOVE QUIETLY AND SLOWLY TO THE DOOR. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' KITCHEN — DAY — DAY/1

NILES CLOSES THE DOOR AGAIN BUT STILL REMAINS CROUCHING ON THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

(WHISPERING) I can't be right all the time. 

DAPHNE 

(WHISPERING) How have they got in? 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) I don't know. I got the spare key off the doorman. Oh that's right. 

MARTIN 

(WHISPERING) What? 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) I gave her, her own key. 

DAPHNE 

(WHISPERING) You said they wouldn't be able to get in. I knew you were just trying to get me up here. 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) Well I'm sorry. I'm still a guy after all. 

FRASIER 

(WHISPERING) It's gone awfully quiet. Maybe they've gone. 

NILES GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR A CRACK AGAIN TO LOOK OUT BUT AS HE DOES MEL PUSHES THE DOOR HARD FROM THE OTHER SIDE WHICH HITS NILES RIGHT ON THE HEAD AND SENDS HIM SPRAWLING ON THE FLOOR 

MEL 

Hello honey. How nice to invite your family and your whore to our marital home. 

DAPHNE 

Don't you speak to me like that. 

DAPHNE LUNGES TOWARDS MEL BUT FRASIER GRABS HER AND RESTRAINS HER BEFORE SHE HAS CHANCE 

MEL 

I never realised how feisty you were Daphne. Now I know why you decided to go slumming it Niles. 

DONNY 

How could you Daphne? For him. 

DAPHNE 

Donny, I'm sorry but I love him. 

MEL 

Now isn't that sweet. But unfortunately I think you're out of luck Daphne. Shag a servant day was last week. Oh, and I forgot to get you a card, I hope you'll forgive me. 

NILES 

Don't you speak to her like that. 

DONNY 

Niles, don't pretend like you've got a spine. 

NILES 

Well thankyou both very much for stopping by, but this is my home and I would appreciate it if you left. 

MEL 

Our home honey. 

NILES 

Mel, don't. 

MEL 

After all I am your wife aren't I. It was only four days ago that you told me you loved me. Married me and then we made love all night. You do remember that don't you? 

MARTIN 

I didn't need to hear that. 

MEL 

Then why don't you leave Dad? 

NILES 

Look, leave them out of this. It's between you and me. Not them. 

DAPHNE 

Donny, I'm just so… 

DONNY 

Don't Daphne. You disgust me. 

FRASIER 

Donny, that's below the belt. 

DONNY 

And what they've done to us isn't? 

FRASIER 

Why don't you two both just go home before you say something that you're going to regret? 

MEL 

Why don't you go home before I do something you'll regret? 

DAPHNE 

Niles and I… 

NILES CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH AGAIN 

DONNY 

You think this is funny do you? 

NILES 

No Donny, I don't. 

DONNY 

Because if you think it's funny, you're going to find this hysterical. 

DONNY PUNCHES NILES AND ALMOST MAKES HIM FALL ON ROZ WITH THE FORCE. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY RUSHES TO HIM 

FRASIER 

I've lost all sympathy now Donny, so just get out before I call the police. 

DAPHNE 

Donny, I'm sorry, but this isn't going to solve anything. 

DONNY 

You know, I can handle being left at the alter, I can handle being humiliated in front of everyone I love, I can also handle the fact that you don't love me Daphne. But that you left me for him. That is inexcusable. 

DAPHNE 

Donny, I didn't plan any of this it just happened. 

MEL 

Oh please. D-Day had less time spent planning it. If you didn't plan it then how come he was already waiting in you're little getaway tank for you. 

ROZ 

Will you people keep it down some of us are trying to sleep. 

NILES 

Look Mel it's over. I'm sorry. I'd planned to say it nicer and not be so blunt but you've left me no alternative. We're finished Mel. 

MEL 

You don't think I know that? I wouldn't have you back now, even if you came crawling on your hands and knees which we all know you're particularly good at. You've dipped your wick elsewhere and I wouldn't want it back now. 

DAPHNE 

Then what are you doing here? 

MEL 

Just wanted to say hello to my in-laws. Oh and introduce you to my new divorce lawyer. 

NILES 

Mel, divorce doesn't need to be brought into this. It can all be done simply and easily by annulment. 

MEL 

But I don't like simple, and I sure as hell don't like easy. I think I have a pretty good case for getting this place in the settlement. And as the bathrobe proves, I can now add adultery to my case against you. 

DONNY 

When I'm through with you it's going to seem like Maris was just after your loose change. 

MEL 

Goodbye then honey. 

KISSES NILES FOR A SECOND BEFORE HE PULLS AWAY THEN SHE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR 

MEL (CONT'D) 

If I ever feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, because I love and miss you, all I have to do is this. Conjure up the memory of this moment and the taste of that tramp on your lips. 

NILES 

I don't care. No matter what you do, you won't be able to hurt me. I have the love of my life that's all that matters. 

DONNY 

How sweet. You're a lucky man Niles, because God I'm going to miss that sweet ass of hers. 

FRASIER 

Donny, that's enough, now get out of here. 

MEL 

When he gets tired of slumming it, he'll be back Daphne. I'd prepare myself for it now if I were you. That type of humiliation is hard to live down, knowing that you've been out classed. 

DAPHNE 

Not as hard to live down as the fact that your husband always thought of his brothers housekeeper when he had sex with you. 

MEL 

You won't have anything by the time I'm through with you. 

MEL EXITS FOLLOWED CLOSELY BEHIND BY DONNY 

DONNY 

Oh Niles, I'll be in touch. 

DONNY EXITS

MARTIN 

I have to say, I think you got out of the pretty lightly. 

NILES 

Daphne, are you all right? 

DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO CRY AND BURIES HER HEAD INTO HIS SHOULDER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Don't worry, it's over now. You don't ever have to see them again. 

DAPHNE 

But when all's said and done, they're right. 

NILES 

Right about what? 

DAPHNE 

About what I've done. I am a tramp and a whore. 

NILES 

Listen to me. Don't you ever believe that. You have done nothing wrong. This has been my fault from the beginning. If I had any sort of a spine I'd have told you years ago but I kept my mouth shut. You just got caught up in it. 

FRASIER 

Daphne, they're both hurting. They've said a lot of things that they don't mean and will regret. Trust me, I've been there, I've said them. 

MARTIN 

In a few days, they'll realise what they done and apologise. 

ROZ 

Apologise for what? 

FRASIER 

Did you just miss all of that? 

ROZ 

All of what? 

FRASIER 

The screaming and the yelling and the punching. Mel and Donny have just been here. 

ROZ 

Really? I must have dozed off. 

FRASIER 

How could you doze off, it was like world war three? 

ROZ 

I feel terrible. I'd sleep in the middle of Puget Sound if you gave me an inflatable whale and a rubber ring. Niles, why is your lip bleeding? 

DAPHNE 

I'll get you a cloth. 

NILES 

Daphne, come with me a moment will you? 

DAPHNE 

What for? 

HE GESTURES FOR HER TO GO INTO THE LOUNGE 

NILES 

We just need a minute alone. 

FRASIER 

Take as long as you like. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LOUNGE — DAY — DAY/1

NILES LEADS DAPHNE TO THE FAINTING COUCH AND THEY BOTH SIT DOWN 

NILES 

Daphne, do you still want this? 

DAPHNE 

What? 

NILES 

After everything that's been said. After you've seen Donny again, do you still want me? 

DAPHNE 

I was a little doubtful after the vomit in the bathroom story. My brothers will be so proud of you. How could you doubt it? 

NILES 

I just don't want you to think that you've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. If you don't want this then, now's the time to say so. 

SHE LEANS ACROSS AND KISSES HIM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I thought so. It was nice while it lasted. All three hours of it. 

SHE SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE ARM 

DAPHNE 

Oh you. Come here. 

THEY HUG 

NILES 

What they said is not true. 

DAPHNE 

I wish I could believe that. 

NILES 

Daphne, you are an angel. You are everything that's right with the world. One smile from you makes me go weak at the knees. Everything you touch, you make beautiful. To know how special you are you've only got to look at the people who love you. My father has despised every woman that Frasier and I have been involved with. Yet with you, dad has been miserable for weeks because you were leaving. That's how special you are. You're a… 

DAPHNE 

Dragon. 

NILES 

That wasn't exactly what I was going to say but… 

DAPHNE 

You have a dragon. 

NILES 

What? 

DAPHNE 

By the door. You have a dragon. 

NILES 

Oh that. Roz bought it for me as a thankyou. It's hideous I know. 

DAPHNE 

It's perfect. 

NILES 

It's exquisite isn't it? 

DAPHNE 

How long have you had it? 

NILES 

Since about this time last year. What's all this about? 

DAPHNE 

That vision I was having about the man in the red bow tie. 

NILES 

Go on. 

DAPHNE 

I had another one a short while later and my mystery man was standing with a… 

NILES 

Dragon? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. I don't believe this. After seven years I've finally found you. 

SHE GOES TO KISS HIM BUT NOTICES THE BLOOD, THAT IS STILL OVER HIS LIP 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Hold on, your lips still bleeding. 

SHE DABS AT IT WITH THE CLOTH THAT SHE STILL HAS IN HER HAND 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Some of it's gone on your shirt and your tie. I don't think I'll be able to get the red out of that. 

NILES 

It's a shame it's not a bow tie. 

DAPHNE 

It's close enough. 

THEY KISS AGAIN AS FRASIER CAN BE HEARD COUGHING IN THE KITCHEN. NILES THEN GETS UP AND WALKS QUIETLY OVER TO THE DOOR. HE PULLS IT OPEN AND FRASIER, WHO HAD OBVIOUSLY BEEN LISTENING SPRAWLING OVER THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

Sorry, lost my contact lens. 

NILES 

You don't wear contact lenses. 

FRASIER 

That's because they keep falling out. 

MARTIN 

So is everything all right? 

NILES 

Well I've got a semiconscious woman in the kitchen, my brother doing belly flops on the floor. So yes everything's perfect. 

MARTIN 

The hard parts over now. From now on it's only good times. 

DAPHNE 

I hope your right. 

NILES 

(HUGGING HER) Nothing else can possible happen. 

MRS. MOON, FOLLOWED BY AN ANGRY GROUP OF DAPHNE'S BROTHERS INCLUDING SIMON, ENTER THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR 

MRS. MOON 

There you are. You've got a lot of explaining to do young lady, running off like that? Do you have any idea how much it cost for all fifteen of us to fly over here? 

DAPHNE 

Mum, you don't understand… 

SIMON 

And you little bastard. What do you think you're doing with my sister? 

NILES 

At the moment, not a lot in the foreseeable future. 

SIMON 

See I told you Mum, this is the one whose baby she's having. 

DAPHNE 

Simon, how many more times do I have to tell you? 

MRS. MOON 

Shame on you. Taking advantage of my daughter. Leading her astray, you ought to be bloody castrated. 

SIMON 

I knew something was going on last night. 

MRS. MOON 

(SLAPS HIM) You knew about him last night and never told me? 

SHOUTS OF 'WHEN'S IT DUE', 'I'M NOT BLOODY PREGNANT', 'I BET HE MADE YOU GET RID OF IT DIDN'T HE?', 'I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT', 'HOW DARE YOU SHAG MY SISTER', 'I HAVEN'T, BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND LEAVING' ARE HEARD AS FRASIER AND MARTIN SLOWLY MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR AND EXIT

END OF ACT TWO 


	2. Episode Two

_Hello again and welcome to my second instalment of my alternative season eight. I was a little hesitant about posting anymore (not much confidence you see, well obviously I've got enough confidence to go out of the house and from time to time I do speak to other people but then inevitably I recoil back into my shell with a tin of condensed milk and a pumpkin) but after the feedback that I've received for 'The Bride, The Gloom, The Boyfriend and his Strife' how could I not post it. I have received dozens of e-mails about it and have been extremely grateful for the comments made. I have tried to respond to the comments made but I apologise if I haven't sent you a reply, I promise to do better next time. I hope you enjoy episode two. If you do then once again please let me know at kelly_simba@hotmail.com. _

_Once again I do not own any of these characters apart from the radio callers which came off the top of my head - not literally of course because firstly how would they fit and secondly with all that added weight of people actually standing on my head can you imagine how short I would be!_

  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Two   
I Just Called To Say -------! 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Mel, Eddie) 

FRASIER AND ROZ ON ONE SIDE AND NILES AND DAPHNE ON THE OTHER SIT AT THE TABLE CLOSEST TO THE WINDOW AND THE DOOR. 

ROZ 

Daphne I actually saw Donny last night. 

DAPHNE 

Really? 

NILES 

How much of him did you see? 

ROZ 

Very amusing. But with what you've been up to lately I think you should keep you big pie hole shut. 

DAPHNE 

What did he want? 

ROZ 

Just a shoulder to cry on. We were talking for hours, I tried to comfort him as he looked for answers. 

DAPHNE 

What time did he leave? 

ROZ 

About one o'clock. 

FRASIER 

Only an hour ago, well no one can say you don't provide a service. 

ROZ 

One o'clock last night. I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're thinking. 

NILES 

From what I hear you actually sleep with very few men. You have to keep the traffic moving or there'll be bumper to bumper jams outside your apartment. Do you get them to clock in and out or do you pin up a rotor? 

ROZ KICKS NILES UNDER THE TABLE 

ROZ 

I tried to explain what had happened and he left a much calmer, saner person. I wouldn't be surprised if he called and asked to see you. 

FRASIER 

How do you feel about that Daphne? Seeing Donny again. 

DAPHNE 

After the way he spoke to us, I never want to see him again. 

FRASIER 

He was hurt though Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

I know. Maybe if I speak to him, it might give me some closure as well as him. It might stop me from feeling guilty if he's starting to come to terms with what's happened. 

NILES LOOKS VISUALLY UPSET AT THIS NEWS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh pull your face straight. I've made my decision, I'm happy. I love you, not him. I don't know how many times I've got to tell you that. 

NILES 

I'll tell you when. 

FRASIER 

How about you Niles? Have you thought about going to see Mel again? 

NILES 

The way she's behaving I don't want to see her. Between her and Donny I don't know if I'm coming or going. My lawyer assures me that there's nothing to worry about. But he's also the same man who hid in a bunker with a year's supply of food when we came into the new millennium. He's only been out a couple of weeks. He keeps talking to a banana but I don't think it's anything to worry about. 

FRASIER 

Only if you accidentally eat it. 

ENTER MARTIN AND EDDIE LOOKING OUT OF BREATH 

MARTIN 

Quick guys hide. 

NILES 

Why? Is it the man with the hamster again? 

MARTIN 

Mel's on her way in. I nearly dropped my cane running away from her. It's a good job I knocked over those trashcans or she would have beaten me here. 

DAPHNE 

Well what do we do? 

NILES 

She'll never leave if she sees me here. 

FRASIER 

Then hide under the table. 

DAPHNE 

What about me? 

ROZ 

She'll see Niles isn't here and leave. Just ignore her. If she starts to get aggressive it's four against one. It'll give me the opportunity that I've wanted to slap her. 

MARTIN 

She's coming. 

DAPHNE 

Quick get under the table. 

NILES 

You're joking? 

FRASIER 

This is no time to argue. Just do it. 

NILES 

I won't fit and besides it's all sticky. 

DAPHNE 

I don't care. She'll never leave if she sees you, so get under there. 

DAPHNE PUSHES NILES UNDER THE TABLE AND THEN SLIDES ACROSS TO WHERE HE WAS SITTING. MARTIN THEN SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER SO THAT THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MEL. EDDIE SEEING THAT NILES IS ON HIS LEVEL STARTS TO LICK HIS FACE. 

NILES 

Eddie, get off. Don't lick me, I'm not a piece of Kibble. Dad do something. 

MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AND PUTS HIM ON HIS LAP 

FRASIER 

Don't let her rattle you Daphne. She's just going to try to get a rise out of you. 

MARTIN 

That's right, don't let her have the satisfaction. 

NILES 

Frasier will you get your knee out of my head? 

FRASIER 

Be quiet she's coming. 

NILES 

I'm kneeling in a big puddle of something. Eddie have you relieved yourself down here? 

DAPHNE 

Shhhhh. 

ENTER MEL

MEL 

Why hello what a surprise it is to see you all here. 

FRASIER 

Mel. 

MEL 

I'll cut to the chase, where's Niles? 

FRASIER 

I've no idea. At work probably. 

MEL 

He's not I've just been to his office. 

FRASIER 

Then I really don't know. 

MEL 

Do you know where he is? 

DAPHNE 

Sorry, are you talking to me? 

MEL 

I don't see another home wrecker here. What am I saying? Sorry I didn't see you there Roz. 

DAPHNE 

I don't know where he is. I don't keep him under foot. 

MEL 

Maybe he's become board of you. Off to find someone who doesn't rub an old man's ass for money. That's one step off some kind of perverted prostitution you know. 

DAPHNE 

I suppose so. 

DAPHNE STARTS TO LAUGH 

MEL 

Did I say something that amused you? 

DAPHNE 

Not at all. 

DAPHNE LAUGHS AGAIN 

MEL 

I'm so glad to know that breaking up a marriage is such fun. Maybe I should try it. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry but I have something tickling my foot. 

DAPHNE KICKS NILES UNDER THE TABLE 

NILES 

Ouch! 

MARTIN 

Ouch my hip is really painful today. 

MEL 

Well maybe Dad, it wouldn't be if he hadn't hurdled the hedge in your haste to get here. 

MARTIN 

I needed to pee. 

MEL 

Charmed I'm sure. Well this has been fun. But I have to go and see my lawyer, we have a lot of things to discuss, we have a big case coming up. By the way Frasier just a word to the wise, we know. 

FRASIER 

What are you implying? 

MEL 

I'm implying nothing. I just thought you'd appreciate a warning. We know what you did. 

FRASIER 

You're obviously confused Mel. 

MEL 

No I'm not. I know that you were chatting away to Niles and your little Cinderella here the night before the wedding. How you forced them together. We know about all of it, every sordid little detail. 

FRASIER 

I'm afraid you're mistaken. 

MEL 

I don't think so. Donny got this information from a very reliable source. 

FRASIER 

And what source would that be? 

MEL 

Roz. 

FRASIER 

What? 

MEL 

Are you going to tell him or should I do it? 

ROZ 

That bastard. 

MEL 

Yes, it's funny how being dumped at the altar will do that to a perfectly normal person. Donny poured a few drinks down her and she told him everything but the size of her underwear. But from what I hear you tried to show him. 

FRASIER 

Roz, you didn't? 

ROZ 

I was just showing him that I didn't have any stretch marks from when I had Alice that's all. Oh you mean about you. Yes, but he was so upset, I thought the truth might help. I didn't know he was just using me. I'm sorry. 

FRASIER 

Have you learnt nothing from my show? 

MEL 

She was probably comatose through it, like your listeners. 

ROZ 

Listen why don't you just jump on your broom and leave us alone. You've had your fun. 

MEL 

I just want you to know that you'll pay for this Frasier. Mark my words one way or another you will suffer for what you have done to us. 

MEL TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS. NILES' PHONE CAN BE HEARD RINGING UNDER THE TABLE AS EVERYONE ELSE CRINGES. YOU CAN HEAR HIM FLIPPING IT OPEN AND PRESSING THE ANSWER BUTTON 

MEL (CONT'D) 

And that goes double for you. 

EXIT MEL

FRASIER 

How could you? 

ROZ 

I'm sorry. I thought it would help him. 

DAPHNE 

Oh it's going to help him all right. It gives them all the more ammunition. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. What are they going to do to me? 

MARTIN 

I wouldn't worry about it Frasier. It's all talk. 

NILES 

I hate to interrupt but would someone like to help me out from here? I don't know how much longer I can stand having my head inches away from Dad's crotch. 

FRASIER 

Sorry Niles. 

FRASIER STANDS AND HELPS NILES OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE. NILES STANDS TO SURVEY THE DAMAGE TO HIS SUIT 

NILES 

Oh look at me. I'm covered in some sort of sticky substance. How am I supposed to get that out? 

EDDIE JUMPS OFF MARTIN'S LAP AND STARTS TO LICK NILES' KNEECAPS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh yes dog drawl. How silly of me. You know we should get you to dribble in bottles and sell it at ninety dollars a go as a revolutionary stain remover. 

MARTIN 

Well I should be getting this guy home. See you later. 

MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT

NILES 

I'm going to see if I can get this off in the restroom. 

NILES EXITS TO THE RESTROOM 

FRASIER 

Can I get you two ladies another coffee? 

ROZ 

Please. 

DAPHNE 

Thank you Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER 

ROZ 

Now that we're finally alone. Spill. I want to know everything. 

DAPHNE 

Everything about what? 

ROZ 

Don't play that game. Niles of course. 

DAPHNE 

What about him? 

ROZ 

You know. How is it? 

DAPHNE 

I wouldn't know. 

ROZ 

Don't play all coy with me. Tell me. 

DAPHNE 

I told you. I really wouldn't know. 

ROZ 

Of no! You mean you're never there long enough to find out. I went with a guy like that once. I could pour a cup of coffee at the same time and not spill a drop. I tried reading just so that I'd have something to do, most of the time I was lucky if I got to the end of a sentence let alone a paragraph. 

DAPHNE 

No, I mean we haven't. 

ROZ 

Really? Why not? 

DAPHNE 

We both agreed that we shouldn't rush into anything. Our relationship has changed, but it will be better for us if it's a gradual change rather than a rapid one. 

ROZ 

And how is Niles reacting to this? 

DAPHNE 

He's fine. He agreed with me. 

ROZ 

Yeah right. You know how horny he is. When Maris would turn him down he would get so desperate he'd turn to soft fruit for pleasure. 

DAPHNE 

It's just something he's going to have to cope with in the foreseeable future. 

AS FRASIER BRINGS OVER THEIR DRINKS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin) 

SFX: DOORBELL 

DAPHNE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND FRASIER SITS AT THE DINING TABLE. ENTER NILES. 

NILES 

Hello you. 

DAPHNE 

Hi. 

THEY GO TO KISS BUT STOP AS THEY NOTICE MARTIN AND FRASIER WATCHING THEM. NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE HALLWAY AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM. A BEAT PASSES UNTIL THEY RE-ENTER. 

FRASIER 

For God's sake you don't have to go out into the hall. It's not like it's a secret conspiracy. 

NILES 

It's still a little strange. 

DAPHNE 

We're not ready for an audience yet. 

NILES 

Besides I keep thinking that you'll yell at me Frasier, from force of habit. If I ever came closer than ten feet from Daphne I could feel your death rays on the back of my head. 

FRASIER 

It's surprising you don't have permanent holes there. 

SFX: PHONE RINGING

DAPHNE WALKS ACROSS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE 

DAPHNE 

I'll get it. (INTO PHONE) Hello. Oh mum. Fine, how are you? I know you feel like that. I'm sorry. Look it's not you I left at the altar. I know, I know, the humiliation. Of course we're still together. He's here now. I don't think so. No. No. No. Hold on a second. (TO NILES) She wants to speak to you. 

NILES 

What does she want to speak to me for? 

MARTIN 

To tell you off again probably. 

NILES 

What? 

FRASIER 

After all you did lead her daughter astray. 

DAPHNE 

If you could do a Manchurian accent and grew a moustache, you could almost pass as my mother. (INTO PHONE) I know you heard that. You can hear everything I say but you couldn't hear that that bloody bomb that went off in the city centre when you were only a street away. Eating a chocolate éclair does not make you temporally deaf. I don't care what Aunt Mavis says, she keeps a dead budgie in the blender. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE HANDS NILES THE PHONE 

NILES 

Hello Mrs. Moon. I know, I'm sorry. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 

FRASIER DRINKS FROM A BOTTLE OF WATER FROM THE FRIDGE AS DAPHNE BEGINS TO TIDY UP THE LUNCH THINGS 

DAPHNE 

Did you hear from Mel or Donny yesterday? 

FRASIER 

No. I wish I had though. It makes it worse waiting for the axe to fall. 

DAPHNE 

I'm so sorry Dr. Crane. I never meant for any of this to happen. 

FRASIER 

I know you didn't. But this is the price that we have to pay to see you two together. In the long run the inconvenience of the events of late are going to seem minuscule when you consider the future that you have ahead of you. It's worth every misery that Mel and Donny can throw at us if you ask me. 

DAPHNE 

Even so, I just feel so responsible. 

FRASIER 

Look at it this way. What could they possible do to me? 

DAPHNE 

I guess you're right. 

FRASIER 

Of course I'm right. When am I ever wrong? 

DAPHNE 

That time you tried to clean behind the back of the fridge. You said you could get you hand behind there. It was too big and you got it stuck. 

FRASIER 

Oh all right. 

DAPHNE 

We had to call the fire brigade to move the fridge and pull you out. 

FRASIER 

OK Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

I see that fireman from time to time in the pub and we still laugh about it. 

FRASIER 

I remember Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

It was probably so funny because it when you were unemployed and putting on all that weight. The only pair of trousers that you could get into were in the wash so you were wearing that towel around your waist. 

FRASIER 

That's enough now Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

It looked as if you were wearing some sort of giant nappy, like a sumo wrestler. 

FRASIER 

All right Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Except it was that pink towel with the flowers on. So it made you look like a sumo wrestler in drag. 

FRASIER 

All right Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

I wish I'd have had a camera. Especially when Eddie tried to run off with it while the firemen were pulling your legs to get you free. 

FRASIER 

Look why don't go and sit with Niles. It doesn't feel right for you to be cleaning up after me now that you're dating Niles. 

DAPHNE 

Are you firing me? 

FRASIER 

Of course not. I'm just saying that you don't need to do as much as you usually do. It's time for Dad and I to begin to do things for ourselves. Now go and relax. 

DAPHNE 

With pleasure. 

FRASIER 

But before you do that will you run the washing down stairs for me? And I need you to go to the store for me. 

DAPHNE 

You're really lightening my workload. Are you sure you don't want me to carry you to work on me back like a bleedin' Sherpa? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 

NILES IS SAT ON THE COUCH STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE. MARTIN IS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER 

NILES 

(INTO PHONE) As nice as this has been Mrs. Moon and believe me I really would like to talk more but this is not my phone, I have to get back to work and without wanting to appear rude or boorish I have to use the bathroom. Yes it's a cordless phone but I… I know I have two hands. Yes Mrs. Moon. Really? Well you should see a doctor about that. No, it's not really my field. Yes I did go to medical school. 

NILES EXITS TO THE BATHROOM AS HE CONTINUES TO TALK ON THE PHONE. ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

This is not fair. He's never going to get off the phone. Talk to her won't you Daph? 

DAPHNE 

There are two options here. Either I take the phone off Niles and end up having to talk to her myself for an hour about every ache and pain that she had ever had, which by the way are all my fault because I was the most difficult labour that she went through. Or I could do as Dr. Crane has asked me and go to the store to pick up a few odds and ends and also some beer because you've run out. 

MARTIN 

So basically the decision here is beer or no beer. 

ENTER FRASIER FROM KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Shouldn't that be to beer or not to beer. That is the question. 

MARTIN AND DAPHNE JUST STARE AT FRASIER IN SILENCE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Well I'm off to work. 

AFTER PICKING UP HIS COAT FRASIER EXITS

DAPHNE 

But fine if you want me to rescue your son then I'll do it. 

MARTIN 

Have you got some money? 

DAPHNE 

Dr. Crane just gave me some. 

MARTIN 

Then why are you still here? 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM STILL ON THE PHONE. DAPHNE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK 

DAPHNE 

See you later. 

AS DAPHNE EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(C) 

TITLE CARD:'AH YES, BUT WOULD SHE REMEMBER HER OWN NAME?' 

FADE IN: 

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - DAY - DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Mel (V.O.), Donny (V.O.)) 

ROZ IS ARRANGING SOME FLOWERS IN A VASE ON HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

Hi Roz. Wow what beautiful flowers. Who are they from? 

ROZ 

Donny. 

FRASIER 

I knew you slept with him. 

ROZ 

I did not. Here read the card. 

FRASIER 

Do I really want to? 

ROZ 

Just read it wise ass. 

FRASIER 

(READING THE CARD)'To my little mole. Thankyou for your help. I'd love to try to find your stretch marks some other time. Donny.' Well isn't this just perfect. You get a bunch of flowers for getting drunk and stealing nearly the whole hotel supply of bathroom toiletries and I get God knows what catastrophe hanging over my head for being a good Samaritan. 

ROZ 

Hey, do you think doing that was easy. Having ninety-percent alcohol and ten percent blood in your veins and still being able to have a fairly intelligent conversation is not an easy thing to do. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes you're right. You really do have a gift. You should be the eighth wonder of the world. Tourists will come from all around the world to ply you with liquor and discuss matter and anti-matter with you. 

FRASIER EXITS TO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES 

ROZ 

Bite me. You're on in ten seconds. 

FRASIER 

Good afternoon Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours. So without further adieu let's get to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one? 

ROZ 

We have Mabel calling from Tacoma. 

FRASIER 

Hello Mabel. I'm listening. 

MEL 

Hello Dr. Crane. I'm calling about my husband. 

FRASIER 

What seems to be the trouble? 

MEL 

You see he left me for another woman after only three days of marriage. 

FRASIER 

I'm so terribly sorry to hear that. And you're struggling to come to terms with it? 

MEL 

A long cry and a bottle of Prozac later, I still have murder on my mind but my bitterness has currently been redirected at the person who started it all. 

ROZ SUDDENLY REALISES THAT IT'S MEL AND STARTS FRANTICALLY WAVING HER ARMS AT FRASIER TO GET HIS ATTENTION 

FRASIER 

(TO ROZ) What is the matter with you? 

ROZ 

It's Mel. 

FRASIER 

Don't be ridiculous. (TO THE CALLER) The person who started it? Would this be the other woman? Did she make the first advance? 

MEL 

No it's my brother-in-law. 

FRASIER 

(TO ROZ) Oh my God it is Mel. 

ROZ 

I told you. 

MEL 

You see my dear sweet new brother-in-law couldn't help but stick his big nose in and ruin my life just because he thought it would be nice to see his brother shacked up with his whore. So what should I do Dr. Crane? Because you're advice seems to work out so well for all parties involved. 

FRASIER 

Mel? 

MEL 

Why Frasier you really should be a detective instead of a DJ, my cover has been blown. 

FRASIER 

I think this is a discussion for private not for public knowledge. 

MEL 

Why? Are you frightened? Scared that your beloved fans, or sad freaks as they are commonly known, might find out the truth. 

FRASIER 

Mel I really don't… 

MEL 

Because do you know what he did people of Seattle? Your wonderful Dr. Crane, the person you turn to for advice. Not only did he get his brother to leave me after three days of marriage but his… 

FRASIER CUTS MEL OFF 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry we seem to have lost Mel there. If you're still listening Mel, I'll speak to you later. Roz, who do we have next? 

ROZ 

On line two we have Danny from Kirkland. 

FRASIER 

Hello Danny. I'm list… 

DONNY 

You're listening? Damn straight you're going to listen. 

FRASIER 

Danny I really don't think an aggressive manner is going to help me to help you. 

DONNY 

You want to help me? 

FRASIER 

Well of course I do. That's what I'm here for. 

ONCE AGAIN ROZ STARTS TO WAVE HER ARMS LIKE CRAZY AS SHE REALISES THAT SHE'S LET DONNY ON THE AIR 

DONNY 

Like you helped Niles to leave Mel? Like you helped Daphne to make up her mind to leave me at the altar? That kind of help? 

FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ THROUGH THE GLASS AS SHE CRINGES 

FRASIER 

Donny? 

DONNY 

You have ruined my life. The only pleasure that I have left is making sure that Mel gets every single penny in the divorce. Do you think Niles will thankyou then? 

FRASIER 

Donny this really isn't the time or the place. 

DONNY 

KACL listeners, Dr. Crane here talked my fiancée into leaving me at the altar so she could do the nasty up with his brother. His so-called advice led to the break up of two marriages. 

FRASIER 

Donny, as I have told you. I know how much this hurts. I was left at the altar as well. I've been through that pain. But trust me the scars will fade in time. 

DONNY 

I trust you Frasier but will anyone else? A call in shows not much good if no one calls in because they know what can happen if they take your advice. 

FRASIER 

Donny this really… 

DONNY 

What are you going to do Frasier? Hang up on me like you did to Mel? We can't be brushed under that carpet all that easily Frasier. We're here for the long term and we're going to make sure that everyone knows what you've done. So enjoy your career while you still have one. 

DONNY HANGS UP 

FRASIER 

And on that, I think it's time to go for a commercial while I find myself a new call screener. 

ROZ RUNS INTO FRASIER'S BOOTH AS HE GOES OFF THE AIR 

ROZ 

Oh my God Frasier I'm so sorry. They sounded different when I spoke to them. 

FRASIER 

What is the matter with you? 

ROZ 

I'm sorry. I guess I left my brain at home today. 

FRASIER 

Left it at home? Are you sure you didn't put it in the blender and hit puree? 

ROZ 

I'll be more careful from now on. I'll know to filter them out from the other callers. 

FRASIER 

If we have anymore callers. After what's just happened I'll be surprised if anyone other than Hank with the imaginary friend calls us again. They are effectively trying to end my career and all because I tried to do the right thing. 

AS ROZ GOES BACK TO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD:'A LESSON IN COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG - 

DOG AND BONE = TELEPHONE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2   
(Niles, Martin, Eddie, Mrs. Moon (V.O.)) 

NILES SITS ON THE COUCH STILL ON THE PHONE WITH EDDIE LYING NEXT TO HIM 

NILES 

Yes Mrs. Moon. I promise to take care of her. I'd never do that. Well yes I did leave my wife for Daphne but that is the only time that I will ever do that. And of course I would hate for you to kill me. Oh really? Is it itching again? 

THERE IS A LONG PAUSE WHICH IS ENDED AS NILES STANDS UP AND PUTS THE PHONE NEXT TO EDDIE'S EAR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Eddie, bark if she stops talking. 

NILES GOES TO EXIT TO THE KITCHEN. AS THE REACHES THE DOORWAY EDDIE BARKS. NILES RUSHES BACK TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE PHONE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I'm so… Sorry carry on. (TO EDDIE) That wasn't funny. 

ENTER MARTIN

MARTIN 

You're not still talking to her? 

NILES COVERS UP THE MOUTHPIECE 

NILES 

No. She's talking, I'm just listening. Are my ears bleeding? 

MARTIN 

Why don't you hang up on her? 

NILES 

I don't want to appear rude. After what's happened I think it's best to try to give her a good impression. 

MARTIN 

Put her on speakerphone, then you don't have to carry that thing around. 

NILES 

That's a good point. 

NILES WALKS TO THE PHONE AND SWITCHES ON THE SPEAKERPHONE 

MRS. MOON 

Then I squeezed it, and I guess it was a kind of dark brown liquid. It bloody hurt I can tell you that much. I'm not really sure if it was a boil or something else. It can't have been too serious or else it wouldn't have burst that quickly. 

MARTIN GETS UP AND SWITCHES OFF THE SPEAKERPHONE AND HANDS THE PHONE BACK TO NILES 

MARTIN 

I've had enough of that. 

NILES 

But Dad? 

MARTIN 

We all have to make sacrifices son. Even if it means sacrificing your sanity. 

NILES 

Then let me have it on speakerphone. 

MARTIN 

We're sacrificing your sanity not mine. I've had in-laws, I don't really want another set. Your Grandfather tried to strip search me every time I called on your mother. And your Grandmother, wow, lets just say once I got my badge I had to get your mother to lock up my gun for her own safety. 

AS NILES CONTINUES TO BE TALKED AT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S BOOTH - DAY - DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Audrey (V.O.), Brain (V.O.), Mary (V.O.), Hank (V.O.)) 

FRASIER IS ON THE LINE TO A CALLER AS ROZ BANGS HER HEAD AGAINST THE GLASS 

FRASIER 

Listen Audrey. There is not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing. 

AUDREY 

But you ended two marriages. 

FRASIER 

I did not end two marriages. It was only one, Daphne and Donny never got married. 

AUDREY 

Because of you. 

FRASIER 

Audrey, do you want to talk about your problem or not. 

AUDREY 

Or not. My husband may be a homosexual part-time prostitute but after knowing what your advice can lead to I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

FRASIER 

Then why are you on the air? 

AUDREY 

I was already on the line and I didn't want to be rude and hang up, but I've suddenly had a change of heart. 

AUDREY HANGS UP 

FRASIER 

Thankyou Audrey it's saved me the job of cutting you off. Right whose next? 

BRIAN 

Dr. Crane what you have done is disgraceful. 

FRASIER IMMEDIATELY HANGS UP 

FRASIER 

Thankyou. And on line four we have? 

ROZ 

Mary. 

FRASIER 

Hello Mary. I'm listening but depending on what you have to say I may not be for much longer. 

MARY 

Dr. Crane, do you know the difference between right and wrong? 

FRASIER 

Yes I do Mary. 

MARY 

Then why did you do that to them? 

FRASIER 

I don't really think that this is any of your business. 

MARY 

It wasn't your business to stick your big hooter in but you did and look what happened. 

FRASIER 

Yes, let's examine what exactly happened. I made my brother and my very good friend happy. I rescued them from doomed relationships with people that they didn't really love and brought them together. Now I ask you, is this a crime? Am I to be punished for the rest of my days for doing what in the long run will be considered the right thing to do by all parties? 

MARY 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Then goodbye Mary. 

FRASIER HANGS UP 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Now will you stop calling about this subject, you don't even know the people involved and to be fair you wouldn't want to know them. If you saw Mel in the street you first instinct would be to tie her to a stake and burn her. I'm asking you now to not judge me on this matter. After all have I judged you over the last eight years of my show? Even when I've been faced with the most appalling stories have I ever turned on you? Forget for the moment about the woman who killed her husband and buried him in the garden because he couldn't spell gibbon. Apart from that lady who have I ever judged and pointed the finger at? I would just like you all to bare that in mind before you call the show. All right Roz, whose next? 

ROZ 

We have Hank on line one. 

FRASIER 

Hello Hank. I'm listening. 

HANK 

Hello Dr. Crane. I'm not a first time caller. You see we've spoken before. Do you remember? 

FRASIER 

Hank with the imaginary friend Hank? 

HANK 

Like I told you last time Dr. Crane he's not imaginary. He has a job and a family. A wife and a daughter. 

FRASIER 

Oh she had the baby did she? 

HANK 

She sure did. And I helped to deliver it. 

FRASIER 

You did? 

HANK 

That's right because you see at the time I was the only one there. I had to use a pair of hedge trimmers to cut the umbilical cord and I didn't have any blankets so I wrapped her in aluminium foil. 

FRASIER 

Please don't tell me you basted her then. How many times do I have to tell you this? Gordon does not exist. He is not a movie star turned astronaut who lives in your broom closet with his family and a pod of whales. 

HANK 

Dr. Crane! How can you say such things? 

HANK BEGINS TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY 

FRASIER 

Roz couldn't you have got me anyone else. I'd take a forest troll with an identity crisis at the moment. 

ROZ 

It was either Hank, the guy who puts ferrets in his pants as entertainment or a whole heap of angry people waiting to hurl abuse. 

FRASIER 

It's quite a slice of heaven I've got for myself here. I'm sorry to cut our conversation short Hank but we're all out of time. Once again stay on the line and we will give you some numbers of people you can call about Gordon. This is Dr. Crane saying I'll see you tomorrow if I'm not mowed down on the way home. 

ROZ ENTERS FRASIER SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I don't believe this is happening. I've hung up on more people today that a medieval executioner. 

ROZ 

Oh Frasier don't feel too bad. After all I am partly to blame. 

FRASIER 

Partly? 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry I don't think I heard that right. Did you say partly? You are partly to blame. 

ROZ 

You heard right. 

FRASIER 

That's like saying Hitler was partly to blame for World War Two. 

ROZ 

Hay don't get snippy with me. My career is going down the pan as well as yours you know. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Roz. We have to be positive. This isn't going to stop us. Our jobs are still safe. 

ROZ 

Yeah about as safe as running into a lion pen with a dead antelope around your shoulders. 

FRASIER 

You're right. We're in hell. 

ON THEIR CONCERNED GLANCES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD:'DOESN'T EVERY TEN YEAR OLD USED HAND CREAM?' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - NIGHT/2   
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Kenny) 

NILES IS LYING ASLEEP ON THE COUCH WITH THE PHONE RESTING ON HIS EAR. MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION. ENTER DAPHNE CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS 

MARTIN 

Hay Daph. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God is he still on the phone to my mother? 

MARTIN 

Yes. He dozed off about fifteen minutes ago. I don't know if she's still on the line, I didn't want to move the phone in case I woke him. 

DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES AND BEGINS TO GENTLY PROD HIM TO WAKE HIM UP 

DAPHNE 

Niles, Niles. 

NILES WAKES WITH A START, IMMEDIATELY GRABS THE PHONE AND SITS UPRIGHT. HE IS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED AND DISORIENTED 

NILES 

What? Huh. Yes, Mrs. Moon. I'm still here 

DAPHNE 

Is that still my mother? 

NILES 

I really have to go now. Yes I know I tried that one earlier. But this time it's true. Yes I know I said that last time as well. 

MARTIN 

Where have you been Daphne? It's been almost four hours. 

DAPHNE 

Looking for your bloody beer. When they said they were going to stop making it they weren't kidding. 

MARTIN 

Did you have trouble finding it? 

DAPHNE 

Trouble is not the word. It's probably easy to find the Holy Grail then it is to find a six pack of Ballentine. I think people are beginning to stock up for when they stop production. I did eventually find some although I had to fight for it. I managed to snatch it from under the nose of this old man while I distracted his good eye with an amusingly shaped potato I found. 

FRASIER CAN BE HEARD SHOUTING FROM THE HALLWAY 

FRASIER 

For God's sake Mrs. Richmond. You were the one who was comforting Daphne in the elevator so don't start on me. 

ENTER FRASIER

MARTIN 

Is everything all right Frasier? 

FRASIER 

No, everything is not all right. I'm just having one of your average days in hell. All I need now is to not have sex tonight and it will qualify as the most God-awful day in history. 

MARTIN 

Well I think you're pretty much guaranteed that. 

DAPHNE 

I'll say. I'd be surprised if you even remembered what to do with a woman. 

FRASIER 

What's that expression? It's just like riding a bike, once you learn you never forget. 

MARTIN 

It's just a pity you've never been able to ride a bike without stabilisers, a helmet and kneepads. 

FRASIER 

Well thankyou both very much for making my perfect day just that little bit more exceptional. 

NILES 

No that's my brother Mrs. Moon. 

FRASIER 

You're not still on the phone to her? 

NILES 

Frasier keep your voice down. 

FRASIER 

Give me the phone. 

FRASIER SNATCHES THE PHONE OUT OF HIS HAND 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Mrs. Moon, this is Dr. Crane. Yes I know. It was a little bit more complicated then that. No, I don't think that it's appropriate. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS ROZ ENTERS WITH BITS OF LETTUCE AND TOMATO PIPS OVER HER CLOTHES AND IN HER HAIR 

ROZ 

Thankyou so much for waiting for me Frasier. When he ran into the elevator everyone in the lobby decided to pelt me with their garbage instead of him. Where is he? 

DAPHNE 

In the kitchen on the phone to my mother. 

MARTIN 

What's the matter with you? 

ROZ 

Hasn't Frasier told you? 

MARTIN 

Told us what? 

ROZ 

Don't you ever listen to his show? 

MARTIN 

Only if I'm having trouble sleeping. 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? What's happened? 

ROZ 

Mel and Donny called the show today and told the whole of Seattle what he did. 

MARTIN 

So what's the problem? 

ROZ 

If the story was coming from Niles and Daphne's perspective then there wouldn't be one. But it was Mel and Donny, so it sounded as if Frasier was this wicked, evil, thoughtless home wrecker. That's a direct quote by the way. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

She wants to speak to you again. 

NILES 

Tell her I've left. 

FRASIER 

He's gone… She heard you. 

FRASIER HANDS NILES THE PHONE 

NILES 

Hello Mrs. Moon. I know what I did was wrong. 

ROZ 

Thanks for holding the elevator for me Frasier. While you were on your way up here I was having tomato's thrown at my head. Your doorman got me right in the eye. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Roz, but it was every man for himself and this jacket is Armani. 

NILES 

Isn't it rather late there now? Shouldn't you be getting your beauty sleep? No, I don't think you need it. You're the most attractive mother of any girlfriend I've ever had. No, I'm not hitting on you. 

DAPHNE 

Give that to me. 

SHE TAKES THE PHONE OFF NILES 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Listen Mum. You've been talking his ear off for so long, his eyes have glazed over. I have to hang up now. Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost on your phone bill? What do you mean you reversed the charges? 

FRASIER 

She did what? 

DAPHNE 

Goodbye Mother. Yes I know I'm the most ungrateful, selfish, horrible daughter in the world. That's just not true. I would not do a dance on your grave. 

MARTIN 

Give that to me. 

MARTIN TAKES THE PHONE AND HANGS UP 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Was that so hard? 

NILES 

Her voice is still echoing in my head. 

DAPHNE 

I'm so sorry Dr. Crane. Was it a pretty nasty conversation? 

FRASIER 

Apart from accusing me of leading her little girl astray and using several choice expressions only half of which I understood for the way I treated Simon, yes she was very nasty. 

DAPHNE 

I meant Mel and Donny. 

ROZ 

They weren't that bad in all honesty. But it had a knock on effect. 

FRASIER 

After that every Tom, Dick and Harry phoned the show to tell me what a horrible person I am. They were screaming at me, saying how they thought that my advice stunk like twelve-week-old road kill. 

NILES 

I'm sorry Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Apart from my job being in jeopardy I went to Nervosa before I drove home and perfect strangers were hitting me with their umbrellas. One lady nearly had my eye out and she would of as well if I hadn't hung her umbrella on a tree branch out of her reach. Then Mrs. Richmond attacked me in the elevator. She was whipping the back of my head with a towel. 

DAPHNE 

I'm so sorry Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

So will Mrs. Richmond when she gets out of the shower and realises that she used no fabric softener on her laundry. It was like a big sheet of sandpaper being thrashed against my skull. 

MARTIN 

When have you ever touched sandpaper? 

FRASIER 

You forget I spent a week at a wood working class in school. 

MARTIN 

Oh yeah that's right. You kept complaining that your hands felt like you'd been rubbing them up a cheese grater. 

NILES 

It was the same week that Mom's hand moisturiser went missing. 

FRASIER 

Well anyway, with any luck this thing will just run its course. Our listeners won't leave us. They need us. Isn't that right Roz? 

NILES 

Especially the ones with obsessive compulsive disorder. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER KENNY

FRASIER 

Oh hi Kenny. 

KENNY 

Hello Doc. Roz. An interesting show today guys. We've had more complaints today then when Bulldog had that schizophrenic, bisexual cheerleader and part time Nun on his show. 

FRASIER 

Yes, I know Kenny and I can't apologise enough. 

ROZ 

It was a slip on my part to allow them on the air but I didn't recognise their voices over the phone. 

FRASIER 

I know that I shouldn't be bringing my personal problems to work with me. But on this occasion I can't be blamed because I didn't bring them, they followed me. 

ROZ 

Who knew the audience was going to react like that. But we're sure that our audience base won't leave us, they've been with us through sticky patches before. 

KENNY 

This is more than a sticky patch. It's like you've been rolling in a mixture of treacle and super glue. And all the listeners wanted to do is throw feathers at you. 

ROZ 

That's great they want to throw feathers at Frasier but I get hit in the eye with rotten vegetables. 

FRASIER 

Trust me Kenny, I don't think this reaction will last long. 

KENNY 

Let me put this in Layman's terms. If people don't trust your advice, they're not going to call in to the show. If no ones calling, no ones listening, not even you. Which means the end of the line for your show. 

FRASIER 

I see where this is headed. 

ROZ 

What? If we don't get our audience back after this we loose our jobs. 

KENNY 

Thankfully that's not the case. 

FRASIER 

What do you mean? 

KENNY 

You had a record number of callers on the show today. The phone lines have been going crazy ever since. People calling to tell you off, people still calling for your advice, even if most of them are real wackjobs. 

NILES 

And they're the core of the audience. 

FRASIER 

You mean they still love us. 

KENNY 

Apart from the ones who hate you one. Either way they're still listening. As long as it stays that way, I don't have a problem. 

FRASIER 

Oh Kenny that's wonderful news. 

KENNY 

I wanted to tell you in person because I knew you'd both be worrying. I must get going, dinner with the in-laws. Bye guys. 

EXIT KENNY

ROZ 

Thank God. 

FRASIER 

I think this calls for a celebratory drink, don't you? 

ROZ 

Amen to that. 

FRASIER 

Would you guys like to join us? My treat. 

MARTIN 

Sorry, I'm going over to Duke's. 

FRASIER 

How about you two? 

DAPHNE 

I think I might take advantage of an empty apartment for once. 

NILES 

I'll tag along if you don't mind. 

DAPHNE 

I said I think I might take advantage of an empty apartment for once. 

NILES 

Oh. Oh I get it. On second thoughts Frasier I think I have other plans. 

FRASIER 

It's just us then. After you. 

FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT. THROUGH THE DOOR FRASIER CAN STILL BE HEARD 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

For God's sake Mrs. Richmond stop hitting me. 

AS THE SHOUTING CONTINUES WE: 

END OF ACT TWO 


	3. Episode Three

_Here I am back again with the third installment of my alternative season eight. For those of you who read 'I Just Called To Say -----!' I hope you enjoyed it. For those of you who haven't read it WHY NOT! Feedback is always appreciated, so if you liked it let me know on kelly_simba@hotmail.com. This was the first fan fic that I wrote, which looking back at it is in the tradition of 'Matchmaker', so I hope no one takes offence at it. _

_Once again I don't own these characters apart from Steve and Sally who came from the depths of my insane asylum that I call my mind. _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Three   
A Date For Frasier 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. KACL STUDIO - DAY - DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Steve) 

FRASIER IS SITTING IN THE STUDIO ON THE LINE TO STEVE. ROZ IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS, LOOKING ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED 

FRASIER 

Even though I fully understand Steve, that it's not you who is skinning the squirrels and putting them in your neighbours mailbox, and it is in fact, Marvin, the little man who lives in your toe. The point is that it's still wrong. Now what I recommend is that you stay on the line and my producer Roz will give you some numbers for some very good psychiatrists who may be able to help Marvin with this problem. 

STEVE 

But I've told you Dr. Crane. Marvin won't go to see a psychiatrist. The only time that he comes out of my toe is to skin the squirrels. 

FRASIER 

If that's the case then Steve, why don't you go to see a psychiatrist and Marvin has no choice but to go because he's in your toe. 

STEVE 

What if he realises what I'm doing and tries to escape? 

FRASIER 

Then I recommend you tie your shoes up extra tight. Thank you for your call. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE AS ROZ TAPS THE GLASS PARTITION 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I'm getting the signal from Roz to say that our time is up. This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL 780 wishing you all a good day and good mental health. 

ROZ ENTERS FRASIER'S BOOTH 

ROZ 

Has every loony been given access to a phone today? 

FRASIER 

Well at least it wasn't as bad as yesterday and that guy who used his dead uncle as a scarecrow. But anyway, when are you going to the airport? 

ROZ 

In an hour. Her plane lands at six - fifteen. 

FRASIER 

You be sure to wish your cousin the very best from me. 

ROZ 

I will. I can't tell you how excited I am. It's been that long since I've seen Sally, she hasn't even met Alice. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure you'll have a great time this weekend. 

ROZ 

I hope so. I just don't know what I'm going to do with her. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure you'll think of something. 

FRASIER PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND GOES TO LEAVE 

ROZ 

Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you meet up with us tomorrow, you can meet Sally. You'd really like her. 

FRASIER 

If this is another attempt to palm me off on to one of your relatives then I… 

ROZ 

Graciously accept? 

FRASIER 

No, I was going to say then I have disappointing news for you. 

ROZ 

Oh come on Frasier. She's attractive, in good shape and she's related to me. What more could you ask for? 

FRASIER 

Those are the very same words that you uttered the last time you set me up with a member of your family. 

ROZ 

I'll admit that setting you up with Jane was a mistake. She was just a little… 

FRASIER 

Insane? 

ROZ 

I was going to say nervous. She gets a little unsettled around attractive men. 

FRASIER 

Your attempts to flatter me aside, there is no way I'm going out with your cousin. After eventually bribing Jane out from the coat rack with a bottle of white wine she spent the next hour flicking the lettuce out of my salad because it frightened her. 

ROZ 

I was only thinking of you. After all with your track record, I don't know why you don't shave your head and join a monastery. 

FRASIER 

I'm not listening. 

FRASIER GOES TO EXIT 

ROZ 

She once entered the Miss. World pageant. 

FRASIER 

Shall we say coffee tomorrow and dinner at my place on Sunday? 

ROZ 

It's a deal. Can I bring anything? 

FRASIER 

Just your cousin. 

FRASIER EXITS

ROZ 

I have some bad news for you. She's no where near as horny as you are. 

AS ROZ CONTINUES TO FINISH UP IN THE BOOTH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Waitress) 

NILES IS SITTING BY THE WINDOW AS FRASIER ENTERS

NILES 

Afternoon Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Hi. (TO WAITRESS) A latte please. So did you get the tickets? 

NILES 

I certainly did. The opera event of the season, they came in the mail this morning. Two tickets to Puccini's Madame Butterfly. 

NILES HANDS FRASIER THE TICKETS 

FRASIER 

Niles, have you looked at these tickets? 

NILES 

I know three rows from the front. We're going to be practically spat on. Which normally I'd be horrified about, but what the hell its Placido Domingo. 

FRASIER 

We're three rows from the edge of the rink. 

NILES 

I didn't know he could skate. 

FRASIER 

Mad Man Butterfly. 

NILES 

What? 

FRASIER 

You've bought us two tickets to the ice skating, musical prequel to 'The Silence of The Lambs'. 

NILES 

That's not possible. 

FRASIER 

Of course it's not. You normally get a free plastic half eaten butterfly when you attend the opera. I've nearly got the complete set now. 

NILES 

I don't believe this. They must have misunderstood me at the ticket office. 

FRASIER 

You mean you didn't really want to go to this show? 

NILES 

What do I do with them now? 

FRASIER 

Give them to Dad, I'm sure he'll love it. 

NILES 

But he'll insist on one of us going and when we both say no, he'll take Daphne and that means I'll have to get another ticket so that I can be with her. 

FRASIER 

I know then. Give them to Roz. 

NILES 

As much as I dislike Roz, I'm not sure I want to inflict this on her. 

FRASIER 

Her cousin, Sally, is flying in this weekend and she has no idea what she's going to do to entertain her. I've already agreed to meet them for coffee tomorrow and then for dinner at my place. Roz thinks we may hit it off. 

NILES 

Are you sure, you want to date a Doyle? 

FRASIER 

I'm not saying I want to date anyone, I haven't even met the woman. I'm just saying that… 

NILES 

You're currently horny and desperate enough to get your hopes up about your friend's cousin, a woman you've never met. 

FRASIER 

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. 

NILES 

Oh come on Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Oh come on nothing. You know how hard it is to meet available, attractive, single women in Seattle these days. 

NILES 

I've never had that much trouble. After all I do have a girlfriend. 

FRASIER 

And not to mention a wife. 

NILES 

And yet you mentioned it. 

FRASIER 

So how are things going with Mel? 

NILES 

She's going to bleed me dry. She's refusing to cooperate. I keep asking her if she'll meet me so we can discuss it and maybe reach some sort of settlement. She says the only place she'll meet me is in hell after she's butchered me. I should just get prepared now to go to court. 

FRASIER 

You should be prepared to give up a lot Niles, you know how good a lawyer Donny is. One thing for certain Daphne's not going to enjoy being questioned by Donny on the stand about your sex life. 

NILES 

She has nothing to fear there. All she has to do is tell the truth. 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure I'm going to want to hear that. 

NILES 

Frasier, nothing like that's going on between us. 

FRASIER 

It's not? 

NILES 

No. Apart from not wanting to rush things, Daphne and I thought that it would be better if Mel could definitely not get me for adultery. So that part of our relationship has been put on hold. 

FRASIER 

In other words Daphne's put it on hold and you keep getting a busy signal. 

NILES 

No matter how many times I redial I get the same response. Maybe I'm not hitting the right combination of buttons. But saying that our relationship is going further. I don't feel self-conscious about someone watching us anymore. Anytime I like I can just kiss her. It's becoming a lot more comfortable. 

FRASIER 

Too comfortable if you ask me. 

NILES 

What do you mean? 

FRASIER 

Niles, this morning at breakfast you practically had your tongue down her throat. 

NILES 

So we get carried away some times. Is it a crime? 

FRASIER 

When Dad and I are eating breakfast, yes. I know a snails pace is hard but just remember, it's for the best. This would all have been a lot easier, if you'd have listen to us in the first place about Mel. 

NILES 

It was your advice that I took in the first place. 

FRASIER 

I didn't tell you to marry her. The four of us told you we didn't like her at that brunch. 

NILES 

I know. I should have ended it then. 

FRASIER 

What a fabulous idea. 

NILES 

It's all right to say that now. 

FRASIER 

No, I mean a brunch. 

NILES 

What for? 

FRASIER 

For Sally. 

NILES 

Who? 

FRASIER 

Roz's cousin. It's friendlier then a formal dinner and I get a chance to see if the Dairy State is as delicious as I hope it is. 

NILES 

Or alternatively she could turn out to be a real cow. 

FRASIER 

She could be a wonderful woman for all you know. 

NILES 

Oh Frasier, pull the udder one. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - DAY - DAY/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz, Sally, Alice) 

FRASIER IS BUSY PREPARING THE FOOD WHILE MARTIN FEEDS EDDIE

MARTIN 

Jeez, I hate these things. 

FRASIER 

It's just brunch with Roz's cousin Dad, it's not dinner with the Queen. 

MARTIN 

The last one we had was a real bust. 

FRASIER 

This time there will be no Mel and Daphne won't be liquored up to your eyelids. 

DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE 

I heard that. I've already told you father, I wasn't drunk when Mel came over. 

FRASIER 

That's very true. You were perfectly sober when Mel arrived. 

DAPHNE 

Thankyou. 

FRASIER 

It was after she left that you could barely stand up. 

MARTIN 

So what's she like anyway? 

FRASIER 

I met her for coffee yesterday with Roz and she's lovely. Absolutely gorgeous and so interesting. 

MARTIN 

So what would she want with you? 

FRASIER 

Ha, ha, yes that's very funny Dad. 

DAPHNE 

What does she do? 

FRASIER 

She's a taxidermist. 

MARTIN 

Thanks for the warning. I can hide Eddie before she gets here. 

DAPHNE 

Hoping a little romance will bloom then are we Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

Well we seemed to hit it off pretty well yesterday. 

DAPHNE 

But she's going home tomorrow. 

FRASIER 

Well I have to start somewhere. I just need to get a little nibble on the hook and then I can reel her in. She'll be back in Seattle before she knows it. 

MARTIN 

Did you know you were just talking about fishing? 

FRASIER 

Just set the table. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO LIVING ROOM 

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE 

I'll get it. 

DAPHNE EXITS INTO LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE WALKS ACROSS AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. NILES ENTERS

NILES 

Hello you. 

DAPHNE 

Hi Niles. 

PUTTING HER HAND OVER HIS MOUTH 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Laugh and I'll kill you. 

NILES 

(MUMBLING UNDER HER HAND) OK 

THEY KISS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I got you something. 

PRODUCING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS FROM BEHIND HIS BACK 

DAPHNE 

Thankyou. They're beautiful. I'll just pop them in some water. 

MARTIN 

Hiya Niles. 

EXIT DAPHNE TO KITCHEN 

NILES 

Hi Dad. What are you doing? 

MARTIN 

Setting the table. 

NILES 

Frasier's hoping to get somewhere with this woman. 

MARTIN 

I know. 

NILES 

Well just be prepared for him to re-do the table. 

MARTIN 

Why? 

NILES 

You know Frasier. He'll have his ruler and table map out in a minute to make sure that each piece of silver wear is at a ninety degree angle and exactly one inch away from the mat with each glass centred in the middle prong of the fork. 

MARTIN 

You see, that's were I've been going wrong all my life, I didn't realise that the way to a woman's heart was in the measurement of a fork. And they have always said that size doesn't matter. 

NILES 

Yes very funny. But you watch he'll change it all when he comes out here. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE 

Are you sure you don't need any help Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

I promised Sally that I would do it all myself and that is exactly what I'm going to do. I don't want to scare her off with your god awful cooking… I mean God sent cooking. If you do everything she'll think that I have no culinary skills of my own. 

DAPHNE 

I'll remember that when you want your breakfast in the morning. 

FRASIER 

Why don't you just enjoy yourself? Relax, spend some time with Niles. 

DAPHNE 

You're not going to have to twist my arm. 

DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

FRASIER 

You're not going to have to twist mine to not let you cook. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND SITS DOWN IN MARTIN'S CHAIR. NILES REMAINS STANDING 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? Aren't you going to sit with me? 

NILES 

How about just a loving wave from over here. 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? 

NILES 

Nothing. Oh look a lovely suede couch. Why don't you join me over here? 

MARTIN 

It's the chair. He won't sit in it. 

NILES 

That's not true. I've sat on the arm. 

DAPHNE 

Come here. 

NILES 

What for? 

DAPHNE 

You're going to sit in the chair. 

NILES 

But I really don't want to. 

DAPHNE 

It's time for you to bond with it. You won't catch anything off it. 

NILES 

That's coincidental because you won't catch me in that chair either. 

SHE KISSES HIM TO DISTRACT HIM AND THEN PUSHES HIM DOWN INTO THE CHAIR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Well that was great. 

MARTIN 

You have to sit in it longer than a second to fully appreciate it. 

NILES 

Oh I appreciate it all right. I appreciate the fact that I don't have to sit in it. 

HE GETS UP OUT OF THE CHAIR 

DAPHNE 

Oh for God's sake. 

SHE PUSHES HIM BACK DOWN IN THE CHAIR AND THEN SITS ON TOP OF HIM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Is that better? 

NILES 

You know, I'm beginning to warm to it. I can definitely see the point you're making. 

DAPHNE 

So can I. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Oh Dad, couldn't you have set the table properly? She's going to be here in a minute. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS

ROZ, SALLY AND ALICE ENTER THE ELEVATOR AND THE DOORS CLOSE 

ROZ 

It's so nice of Frasier to have us over like this. 

SALLY 

Yes it is. 

ROZ 

It's because he's such a nice guy. He's so funny. He's going to love to see Alice. He's so good with children. Did I mention he was a doctor? 

SALLY 

I gathered that he was, been as he's a psychiatrist with his own show. 

ROZ 

That's right, he has his own show on the radio, did you know that? 

SALLY 

Once again, I understood that, when for the last seven years you've wrote about working on his show in your letters. 

ROZ 

Of course, it must have slipped my mind. 

SALLY 

What is wrong with you today? 

ROZ 

Nothing. I'm just excited to see Frasier, because you know he is such a wonderful guy but I guess you noticed that when you met his yesterday. 

SALLY 

Are you in love with him or something? 

ROZ 

No, of course not. Why would you think that? 

SALLY 

Because you've done nothing but talk about him since I got off the plane. 

ROZ 

All right fine, I was just trying to sell him to you. I think you two would really hit it off. 

SALLY 

You're trying to set me up with Frasier? Your Boss? 

ROZ 

Yes. I know this must make him look really pathetic but underneath that he's actually a really great guy. 

THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

THEY EXIT OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND ROZ RINGS THE DOORBELL 

SALLY 

You don't know do you? 

ROZ 

Know what? 

SALLY 

Roz, I came out. 

ROZ 

What? 

SALLY 

I'm a lesbian. 

AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Sally, Alice, Eddie) 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ, SALLY AND ALICE ENTER

FRASIER 

Roz, Sally, wonderful to see you. Hello Alice. Come on in. 

SALLY 

Hey Frasier, wow what a great apartment. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou. Alice do you want to go and play down there? 

ALICE GOES TO SIT IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION TO PLAY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

May I take your coat? 

SALLY 

Thankyou. 

HE TAKES SALLY'S COAT 

FRASIER 

Roz (PAUSE) Roz (PAUSE) Roz! 

ROZ 

What? 

FRASIER 

Can I take your coat? 

ROZ 

Yeah sure. 

HE TAKES HER COAT AND HANGS IT UP 

FRASIER 

OK Sally let me introduce you to the household. This is my father Martin Crane. His home health care worker, Daphne Moon, my brothers girlfriend I suppose we can also say now, and for some reason underneath her is my brother Niles. 

SALLY IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO DAPHNE, WHO IS STILL SITTING ON NILES, LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME 

SALLY 

Hi Daphne. I love your hair. 

DAPHNE 

Thankyou. 

SALLY 

You look amazingly fit. Do you work out? 

FRASIER 

Not as much as I'd like. 

SALLY 

I was talking to Daphne. 

ROZ 

Sally can I just see you in the kitchen for a moment? 

SALLY 

What for? 

ROZ 

So I can get you a drink. 

FRASIER 

I'll get it. 

ROZ 

Frasier sit down, Sally get in the kitchen. 

SALLY 

I'll be right back. 

ROZ AND SALLY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

Please tell me you just said you were Lebanese. 

SALLY 

Sorry, I can't do that. 

ROZ 

You're gay? 

SALLY 

That's right 

ROZ 

What do you mean you're gay? 

SALLY 

Well it hasn't meant happy for a very long time, so just use the modern interpretation of the word. 

ROZ 

But I've brought you here to set you up with Frasier. 

SALLY 

Unless he's secretly a woman. I'm not interested. 

ROZ 

What do you mean you're not interested? He thinks you really hit it off yesterday. 

SALLY 

We did, but he's a guy. There are some things I just don't do. 

ROZ 

Well you've got to start doing them. 

SALLY 

Why? 

ROZ 

Sally, he's my friend and my boss. I do not want to hurt his feelings. All I'm asking is for one morning of your life to pretend to be attracted to a man. Is that too much to ask? 

SALLY 

Isn't that just leading him on? 

ROZ 

You're going home tomorrow. You never have to see him again. Just act nice and attentive. Please Sally, he'll never forgive me if he finds out. 

SALLY 

Sorry, no. 

ROZ 

I will pay for your return ticket. 

SALLY 

Back home, or my vacation next month to Australia? 

ROZ 

Back home. 

SALLY 

No deal. 

ROZ 

All right Australia. 

SALLY 

Frasier, you look absolutely stunning in that sweater. The colour really matches you eyes. 

SALLY AND ROZ EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Thankyou. 

ROZ 

What are you two doing? 

DAPHNE 

I'm making him sit in Mr. Crane's chair. 

FRASIER 

Would anyone like a Bloody Mary? 

SALLY 

Please. 

DAPHNE 

I'd love one. 

ROZ 

How about a non-alcoholic one. Remember what happened last time? 

DAPHNE 

What about last time? 

ROZ 

You drank one and a half jug fulls. 

DAPHNE 

I did not. 

FRASIER 

We've been having this conversation this morning and she still won't admit it. 

SALLY 

Admit what? 

MARTIN 

The last time we tried to do something like this was for Niles' soon to be ex-wife. 

DAPHNE 

I was not drunk. 

MARTIN 

At least we know why you were acting that way now. 

ROZ 

All over Niles. 

DAPHNE 

I'll admit I was acting a little strange even though at the time I wasn't sure why. 

NILES 

Honey you were singing and dancing. 

DAPHNE 

I was not. 

SALLY 

Shame, I bet you're quite the little dancer Daphne. 

ROZ 

Sally! 

SALLY 

Yes. 

ROZ 

Has Frasier shown you the view yet? 

SALLY 

(LOOKING AT DAPHNE) I prefer the view over here. 

FRASIER 

Pardon? 

SALLY 

You can't really see the view from over here. 

FRASIER 

Then why don't you join me on the terrace? 

SALLY 

No it's OK I… 

ROZ 

Sally. 

SALLY 

I'd love to Frasier. 

FRASIER AND SALLY EXIT TO THE TERRACE 

NILES 

She seems nice enough. 

MARTIN 

I can see why Frasier likes her. 

ROZ 

What? He really likes her? He told you that? 

MARTIN 

He's been mooning about since he met her yesterday. He's wanted everything to be prefect. 

ROZ 

Oh God. I knew this was a mistake. 

NILES 

What's wrong? 

ROZ 

Nothing. Are they laughing? Oh please don't let them be laughing. 

DAPHNE 

If they're not they're doing a pretty good impression of it. 

ROZ 

Oh man. Sally get your hand off his shoulder. Take it down. Get your hands off him. I can't watch anymore, I'll go and stir something. 

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

Something's definitely wrong. I'll go and see if she's all right. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN, AS SOON AS SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT NILES GETS OUT OF MARTIN'S CHAIR 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

(YELLING FROM KITCHEN) I can hear you. Sit back down. 

EDDIE JUMPS UP ON TO NILES' LAP AS HE SITS BACK DOWN 

NILES 

Oh Eddie get down. This space is reserved. 

DAPHNE 

(YELLING FROM KITCHEN) Eddie stay where you are. Don't let him move until I get back. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

Does he really like her? 

DAPHNE 

I think so. Why, what does it matter? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARTIN 

It seems to me as someone's got a little crush on Frasier developing. 

NILES 

How can you tell that, they've only been together ten minutes? 

MARTIN 

Because she's so concerned about them. She was cringing while looking at them through the window. 

NILES 

Are you talking about Roz? 

MARTIN 

No Eddie, of course Roz. She's the one freaking out. 

NILES 

You know what must have happened, she's set them up but now she's feeling jealous. And remember that incident at the Broadcasters Conference that Frasier told us about? 

A HUGE, LOUD LAUGH COMES FROM DAPHNE IN THE KITCHEN WHICH IMMEDIATELY MAKES NILES AND MARTIN STOP TALKING 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

It isn't funny. 

DAPHNE 

This certainly isn't going to improve his bating average much. 

ROZ 

I've told her to flirt with him but now I don't think it's such a good idea. 

DAPHNE 

Why? It's going to get you off the hook. 

ROZ 

What if he thinks they have a future? What if she says she'll call and doesn't. He'll be a permanent bug up my ass until he finds out the truth. 

DAPHNE 

I don't know what to tell you Roz. 

ROZ 

Wait I have an idea. You've got to start flirting with Sally. 

DAPHNE 

What? 

ROZ 

Get her attention away from Frasier. He'll see she's not interested and the situation is solved. 

DAPHNE 

Why don't you just tell him the truth? 

ROZ 

And tell him I set him up with a lesbian cousin? He'll kill me. He can't score with straight women, this is like getting blood out of stone. So what do you say? Will you do it? 

DAPHNE 

No chance. 

ROZ 

Please Daphne, you've got to. 

DAPHNE 

She's not going to take it seriously, I've get me bleedin' boyfriend out there to start with. And isn't this just going to hurt Sally when she finds out I'm not really interested. 

ROZ 

This is not about hurting Sally. This is about hurting me. 

DAPHNE 

I thought it was about Dr. Crane. 

ROZ 

Please Daphne. I'm not asking you to elope here. Just keep her talking so Frasier doesn't have a chance. All you have to do is be friendly. After all I was your bridesmaid and I did got to that wedding with Simon. 

DAPHNE 

But what about Niles? 

ROZ 

He won't even notice. 

AS ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Sally) 

THE TIME HAS MOVED ON BY AN HOUR. FRASIER IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY TO THE KITCHEN, MARTIN IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, ALICE IS TAKING A NAP, ROZ AND SALLY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, WITH SALLY FURTHEST TOWARDS DAPHNE, WHO IS CURLED UP ON NILES' LAP IN MARTIN'S CHAIR 

SALLY 

So Manchester. I bet it was a great place to grow up. 

DAPHNE 

Oh it was. As long as you avoided Old Trafford on days in which United lost. If you stood still for more than a second some drunken hooligan would try to give you a good kicking. 

SALLY 

Have you ever been to Wisconsin? I think you would really like it there. Maybe next time you get some vacation time you could come and spend a few days with me. 

DAPHNE 

That would be lovely. Have you ever been to England? 

SALLY 

I've been to New England if that counts. 

NILES 

Excuse me sweetheart. 

NILES KISSES HER AND GETS UP AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY FRASIER

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Niles, will you control Daphne? 

NILES 

What do you mean? She's perfectly sober this time. 

FRASIER 

Will you get her away from Sally? Roz brought her here because she thought Sally and I would hit it off, not Sally and Daphne. 

NILES 

Come on Frasier they're only talking. 

FRASIER 

Exactly. Sally's talking to Daphne and ignoring me. I could be attacked by a pigmy in front of the fire and she wouldn't notice. 

NILES 

So what do you suggest I do? 

FRASIER 

Take Daphne out somewhere. Hell go to her room, I don't care, I won't tell Mel, anything just as long as Sally starts to pay attention to me. 

NILES 

I still don't see what you're problem is. 

FRASIER 

Daphne is practically flirting with her. If she battered her eyelids anymore she's going to give the woman whip lash. 

NILES 

She is isn't she? 

FRASIER 

This doesn't concern you? 

NILES 

Not at all. Not one bit. I laugh at the very thought of it. And on an unrelated note I think Daphne and I need to spend some time alone together. If you want us, we'll be in her room. 

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN 

I'm sorry son, but she doesn't seem to be that interested. I've been trying to talk you up as well. But she seems more interested in becoming friends with Daphne. 

FRASIER 

All is about to change. Niles is going to take Daphne to her room so I should be able to have some time with her. 

MARTIN 

Don't you think you should be spending some time with Roz as well? 

FRASIER 

No. I see her everyday of the week. 

MARTIN 

Spend some time with Roz Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Why should I? 

MARTIN 

It isn't really my place to say but Niles and I think Roz may have a thing for you. 

FRASIER 

What? 

MARTIN 

You ought to have seen the way she was acting when you and Sally were on the terrace. 

FRASIER 

What was she doing? 

MARTIN 

She was so jealous. Daphne went into the kitchen to talk to her about it. So the best person to ask would be Daph. 

FRASIER 

That must be why Daphne hasn't left Sally's side. Roz must have told her to keep her talking so that I wouldn't be able to spend any time with her. 

MARTIN 

I'd put money on it. 

FRASIER 

Is it possible that Roz might have feelings for me? 

MARTIN 

Hell if Daphne can turn out to love Niles, I can't see any reason why Roz can't love you. 

FRASIER 

What do I say to her? 

MARTIN 

I don't know. You're the psychiatrist. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND MARTIN RE-ENTER LIVING ROOM AS NILES HAS DAPHNE BY THE PIANO AND IS TRYING TO DRAG HER TO HER ROOM 

NILES 

Oh come on honey. Don't you want to spend some time alone? 

DAPHNE 

I'd much rather stay out here and chat. 

NILES 

Why chat out here when we can chat in your room. 

DAPHNE 

Because I don't want to do it in my room. It's much nicer out here on the couch. 

NILES 

But I've got something to show you in your room. 

DAPHNE 

Are you divorced? 

NILES 

Yes. 

DAPHNE 

From Mel not Maris. 

NILES 

No. 

DAPHNE 

Then I think it's best we stay out here. 

ROZ 

Look if she doesn't want to go, don't make her. 

NILES 

Stay out of this Roz. 

DAPHNE 

I'd feel antisocial if I locked myself away. 

NILES 

But there are so many things that you can do while being locked away. Trust me I know, I'm a psychiatrist. 

NILES KISSES HER PASSIONATELY. WHEN THEY BREAK DAPHNE HAS A DAZED LOOK ON HER FACE. 

DAPHNE 

Well why didn't you say so? 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO HER ROOM AS FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO SALLY 

FRASIER 

So Sally, I understand that you're a taxidermist. 

SALLY 

That's right. We stuff most things. 'If it's stiff en', we'll stuff em'.' 

FRASIER 

Well when my father passes on I'll ship him straight to you. It'll give me the opportunity to dress him the way I've always wanted. 

ROZ 

You know, I really think it's time that we should be going. 

FRASIER 

not yet, we're having such a good time. So what's the most unusual thing you've had brought into you? 

SALLY 

Road kill. It was for a museum in Chicago. They were holding an exhibit on different animals killed by different modes of transport. The goose that went through an aeroplane propeller was probably the hardest thing I've had to do. 

ROZ SITS BETWEEN FRASIER AND SALLY 

ROZ 

But enough of that, Marty how's your hip? 

MARTIN 

It's fine. 

SALLY 

Have you ever been to Wisconsin Frasier? 

FRASIER 

I can't say as I've had that privilege. 

ROZ 

Sally did you know that Martin was a cop? 

SALLY 

No. You really should visit it sometime. I'd be glad to show you around. 

ROZ 

Sally can I see you on the terrace for a moment. 

SALLY 

I'll just be a minute. Keep my seat warm. 

ROZ AND SALLY EXIT TO THE TERRACE 

MARTIN 

See I told you. 

FRASIER 

I don't believe this. 

MARTIN 

I bet she's telling Sally to leave you alone. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM WITH NILES HANGING OFF HER ARM 

DAPHNE 

But I've got to talk to Sally. 

NILES 

No you don't. 

HE KISSES HER ONCE AGAIN AS HE LIFTS HER FEET OFF THE FLOOR TO CARRY HER AS THEY EXIT BACK TO HER ROOM 

FRASIER 

I'm going to have to talk to her. 

MARTIN 

Who Roz? 

FRASIER 

No, Mrs. Needleman next door. Of course Roz. 

MARTIN 

What are you going to say to her? 

FRASIER 

I suppose I'll reassure her that these feelings are perfectly natural and understandable. Women often fall for men in a position of power over them. And in time she'll get over me. 

MARTIN 

Well call me if you need any help. 

FRASIER 

I think I can handle this conversation on my own. 

MARTIN 

I meant getting your big head through the door. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 - CONTINUOUS

SALLY 

You're the one who told me to do it in the first place. 

ROZ 

Now I've changed my mind. Just act not interested. 

SALLY 

Isn't he going to wonder why I keep blowing hot and cold? 

ROZ 

It happens to Frasier all the time, he thinks it's normal. He'll be expecting it. 

FRASIER ENTERS ONTO THE TERRACE 

FRASIER 

Erm Sally if you don't mind may I just have a word with Roz? 

SALLY 

Whatever. 

EXIT SALLY

ROZ 

What's this about Frasier? 

FRASIER 

This is hard for me to say, so just bare with me. I know what's going on. I've seen this a lot during my career. People who think they feel one way but deep down subconsciously they don't. Sometimes a change of scenery can be good. Trying something new is always beneficial for the soul, even being with a different kind of person. A lot of times people get confused and think they feel one way about a person when really it's something else. Something not so complicated. Do you understand what I'm saying Roz? 

ROZ 

Yes and I'm so sorry Frasier. 

FRASIER 

You have nothing to be sorry about. It's perfectly natural. 

ROZ 

I had no idea you'd react this way. I feel silly for not telling you. It would have saved a morning of awkwardness. 

FRASIER 

There's nothing to feel awkward about really Roz. Actually I'm rather flattered that you would think of me like that. I'm not going to say it wasn't a surprise. 

ROZ 

Hell it was a bigger surprise to me. I mean it's a little bit hard to believe. 

FRASIER 

Well not that hard. 

ROZ 

Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, but she's been through more men then I have and now she decides she's a lesbian. I can only imagine that she's worked through all the men in the phonebook. 

FRASIER 

What? 

ROZ 

God, don't tell her I said that. 

FRASIER 

Tell who what? 

ROZ 

Sally. 

FRASIER 

Sally's a lesbian? 

ROZ 

Yeah, you didn't know? 

FRASIER 

No! 

ROZ 

Then what the hell have we just been talking about? 

FRASIER 

You being in love with me. 

ROZ 

What! Where did you hear that? 

FRASIER 

I saw it with my own eyes. You've been jealous of Sally hitting on me all day. 

ROZ 

You thought I was in love with you? That is so funny. 

FRASIER 

Not half as funny as you believing my charms would work to get your cousin turned back on to men. 

ROZ 

I'm sorry. I didn't know. I really did think that you two would hit it off. 

FRASIER 

Right that's it. Frasier Crane will take no more. From now on you are to never again set me up with another member of your family, a friend, and definitely no one whose more interested in my brother's girlfriend than me. 

ROZ 

It's a deal. 

FRASIER 

To add to that list. Remind me never to have to have another brunch as long as I live. From now on I will decide it's either breakfast or lunch, there is no in-between. 

AS ROZ AND FRASIER REMAIN ON THE TERRACE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. KACL STUDIO - DAY - DAY/3   
(Frasier, Roz) 

FRASIER IS SITTING AT THE CONSOLE AS ROZ ENTERS

ROZ 

Hey Frasier. My old friend Natalie is flying in this weekend. 

FRASIER 

Great, we'll have brunch. 

END OF ACT TWO 


	4. Episode Four

_Hello all. I'm back again with another bash at Frasier Fan Fiction. Once I start writing these things I just can't stop, which may or may not be a bad thing. This is episode four of my alternative season eight, but it can stand on it's own. Feedback is as always much appreciated so please, please send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_As usual I don't own any of these characters about from the caller and the doctor. After all this is just a bit of fun so no one at Paramount or Grub Street could possible get ratty about it. _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Four   
The Absent Minded Doctor 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?' 

FADE IN: 

INT. KACL STUDIO — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Alan (V.O.), Kenny) 

FRASIER IS SITTING IN HIS BOOTH ON THE LINE TO A CALLER. ROZ IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS READING A BOOK 

FRASIER 

Alan. Let me get this right. You're surprised that your wife has asked for a divorce? 

ALAN 

Well yeah. She's got no grounds for asking for a divorce. 

FRASIER 

(AMAZED) She has no grounds? 

ALAN 

That's right. I've never hit her, I've never cheated on her. Let me rephrase, I've never cheated on her with another woman. All I do is have a little bet on the horses every now and then. 

FRASIER 

Alan, you tell your story but I don't think you listen to it. Your wife has more grounds to ask for a divorce than Hilary Clinton. 

ALAN 

How can you say that Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

How can I say that? Alan, while your mother-in-law was sitting next to you on the couch watching the horse racing, she died. Now did you do the obvious thing and call an ambulance? 

ALAN 

No. 

FRASIER 

Did you call your wife and let her know what had happened? That her mother had expired next to you. 

ALAN 

No. 

FRASIER 

That's right you didn't. Instead you covered her up with a blanket that the dog died on and sat there with a dead relative on the couch because you had a wager on a horse that was running an hour later and didn't want to miss the race. 

ALAN 

That's right. 

FRASIER 

And you still don't see what's wrong with that? 

ALAN 

Dr. Crane, the horse came in first. 

FRASIER 

I don't care if Freud himself wearing a pink wig was riding it as it grew wings and flew over the finish line. What you did was wrong. 

ALAN 

Oh come on doc, it's not as if I killed her. Although it wasn't through a lack of trying I can tell you. She got damn shifty in her old age. She didn't move that fast to use the bathroom as a soiled brand new carpet would testify to. 

FRASIER 

I don't care. Sitting on the couch with your dead mother-in-law until the days racing was over was wrong. I'd have more sympathy for Hitler at this point than you. 

HE HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I have to say to Alan's wife, you're doing the right thing. This man does not deserve you. There are better people out there. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all a good day and good mental health. 

HE GOES OFF THE AIR AS ROZ ENTERS THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What is wrong with the world? Has everyone lost their common sense of decency? I'm beginning to think that there's only the Pope and myself left. I even think I'm being too generous there. It's just me. 

ROZ 

I know what you mean. You know that guy, Greg who I went out with last week. When we got back to his place it turns out that he's married with a couple of kids and his wife's away for the weekend visiting her dying mother. 

FRASIER 

But didn't you see him again yesterday? 

ROZ 

Yeah, so, we're talking about his decency not mine. What? Don't look at me like that. He's the one cheating on his wife not me. I'm just an innocent bystander in all this. 

FRASIER 

You haven't been innocent for a very long, long time Roz. I'm sorry Roz, I've just had a terrible day. This morning I got locked out of my apartment in my dressing gown as I went to fetch the paper and who came out of her door? Regan, with her new boyfriend. 

ROZ 

Oh how is she? 

FRASIER 

Fine. And just to make sure her boyfriend was giving her a tonsillectomy as they got on to the elevator. I'm just thankful he wasn't a Proctologist. Saying that he probably was the way he was groping her. If that wasn't bad enough I got out of the shower to discover that Eddie had vomited in my shoes. 

ROZ 

Well things can only get better. 

FRASIER STANDS UP AND PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE WHICH SPILLS OPEN AND ALL OF HIS PAPERS FALL ON THE FLOOR BY THE DOOR BETWEEN FRASIER AND ROZ'S SIDE OF THE GLASS 

FRASIER 

At this moment only death can improve my situation. All I need now is for Lilith and Diane to have hooked up and decide to pass through and say hello before they go on their honeymoon. 

KENNY ENTERS THE BOOTH THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR FROM ROZ'S SIDE. AS HE OPENS THE DOOR IT SMACKS FRASIER ON THE HEAD AND SENDS HIM SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR 

KENNY 

Oh my God, Doc are you all right? 

ROZ 

He's fine, he normally lies on the floor unconscious with his tongue lolling out his mouth after a show. Football players do it a lot now instead of drinking Gatorade. Frasier, can you here me? Frasier. 

KENNY 

Oh great I've killed him. 

ROZ 

You have not killed him, you've just knocked him out. 

KENNY 

What should I do? 

ROZ 

Call a doctor. 

KENNY 

But he is a doctor. 

ROZ 

Yes and he's also unconscious and the patient, so think again. 

AS KENNY GRABS THE PHONE AND ROZ BEGINS TO SHAKE FRASIER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOSPITAL ELEVATOR — NIGHT — NIGHT/1   
(Daphne, Martin, Niles, Roz, Frasier, Doctor) 

DAPHNE AND MARTIN ARE IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP 

DAPHNE 

He's going to be dead. I know he is. 

MARTIN 

Daphne calm down. We don't even know what's wrong with him. There's no need to get into a panic just yet. 

DAPHNE 

I've only just found him, I can't loose him already. 

MARTIN 

You're not going to loose anybody. He'll be fine. Niles is a fighter. We thought he was a goner when he jumped out of the window with that umbrella, but he was fine. He's never been able to run properly since but Hester always claimed it was like that before. I never noticed, I would always cringe and look away whenever one of them tried to run. 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

THE DOORS OPEN AS DAPHNE AND MARTIN EXIT. NILES AND ROZ ARE SITTING ON PLASTIC CHAIRS OUTSIDE OF FRASIER'S ROOM WHICH HAS THE BLINDS CLOSED. THE MOMENT DAPHNE SEES NILES SHE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God, Niles, thank God you're all right. I had visions of picking out my funeral outfit. It was lovely little black number. 

MARTIN 

Are you all right son? Has the doctor told you, you can leave? 

ROZ 

It's not Niles who's been injured it's Frasier. 

NILES 

What made you think it was me? 

MARTIN 

The hospital called and just said that they had a Dr. Crane brought into the emergency room. 

DAPHNE 

We'd just turned Dr. Crane's show off, so we thought it was you. I'm so relieved it wasn't. 

MARTIN 

It nearly gave me a heart attack. 

ROZ 

Frasier's fine by the way. 

MARTIN 

Jeez, oh right yeah, what happened? 

ROZ 

Kenny smacked him in the head with a door. 

BOTH DAPHNE AND MARTIN START LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

It's not funny. 

NILES AND ROZ BOTH THEN SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF IT AND START LAUGHING AS DOCTOR ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM 

DOCTOR 

Have you broken into the drug cabinet? 

MARTIN 

Sorry, doctor. How is he? 

DOCTOR 

Physically he's fine. In fact we're going to let him go in a while. He only had a slight concussion. 

NILES 

So what's the problem? 

DOCTOR 

He seems to be suffering from some memory loss. He has a case of amnesia. 

MARTIN 

If he thinks he's still God's gift to radio then he's fine. 

ROZ 

You mean he can't remember what happened to him because Kenny will be so pleased. He's prepared to give him a twenty-percent raise just in case he thought of suing him. 

DOCTOR 

It's a little bit more serious than that. 

NILES 

How serious? 

DOCTOR 

To begin with he thought he was Abraham Lincoln. But that soon passed. Now he thinks it's 1996. 

DAPHNE 

What? 

DOCTOR 

He's lost a significant part of his memory. He knows who he is but he's lost everything that's happened in the last four years. In most cases when this happens, it seems to come back to them very quickly. Very rarely do they loose it forever. 

MARTIN 

Does he know what year it is now? 

DOCTOR 

We've explained what's happened. 

ROZ 

Everything that's happened in the last four years? 

DOCTOR 

No, just what's happened to him. 

ROZ 

But you've only just met him. 

DOCTOR 

Did you get a bump on the head as well? 

ROZ 

No. But I've got a bruise else where that needs a doctors undivided attention. I could show it to you over dinner. 

DOCTOR 

I'm married. 

ROZ 

I'm not one to back away from a challenge, in fact I rather enjoy the chase. 

DOCTOR 

I've explained that he's been hit on the head and he's experiencing some memory loss. He's not taking it too well. In fact he doesn't believe us. So be prepared for him to be a little difficult until it comes back. 

MARTIN 

We're used to that without him loosing his memory. It's easier to get my dog to eat mustard then to get Frasier to believe you sometimes. 

DOCTOR 

All you have to do is wait for it to come back naturally. Don't force it to return. If he asks a question, then of course answer it, but only give him vital information, like if you've moved house for instance. You can go in and seem him now if you want to. I've just got someone else to speak to before I discharge him. 

MARTIN 

Thankyou Doctor. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S HOSPITAL ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER FRASIER'S ROOM. FRASIER IS SITTING UP IN BED LOOKING PERFECTLY FINE ABOUT FROM A PLASTER OF HIS HEAD. 

FRASIER 

Hi guys. I didn't know you were waiting for me. 

NILES 

Well of course we were Frasier, we were worried about you. 

DAPHNE 

Hello Dr. Crane. I'm Daphne Moon, I work for you. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou Daphne. I forgot what year it was, I haven't gone insane. 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTING) Are you OK Frasier? 

FRASIER 

For heavens sake Dad, I've had a bump on the head, my ears haven't been ripped off. 

MARTIN 

Sorry, so you OK? 

FRASIER 

I'm fine. The doctor says I'm experiencing some memory loss. I don't know if he's right. I can't remember. 

MARTIN 

The doctor says you can go home when he comes back. 

DAPHNE 

We'll get you home and I'll take good care of you. 

FRASIER 

There's really no need Daphne. I'm fine. I'll be back at work again tomorrow. 

ROZ 

Tomorrow? Frasier, I don't think that's such a good idea. 

FRASIER 

Look, I'm fine. 

MARTIN 

But even so Frasier. 

FRASIER 

No buts. I've forgotten a couple of things, it's no big deal. Even if it were true I can't imagine much has changed in four years. It's not as if everyone's flying around in little bubble ships. They're not are they? 

NILES 

No. 

FRASIER 

Then there's no need to worry. None of you have changed. 

ROZ 

I wonder if I can get that doctors number? 

FRASIER 

See what I mean? I'll just need a couple of days to jog my memory. 

NILES 

I've got an idea that may help. 

FRASIER 

No electro-shock therapy Niles. 

AS ROZ EXITS TO HIT ON THE DOCTOR WE: 

FADE OUT: 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin) 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS

NILES 

Hi Frasier. How are you feeling? 

FRASIER 

I'm fine. Got through my show today with no real problems. Apart from the concerned mother who called in because her child had caught Pokemon fever. I told her to go to her doctor who could give her some cream for it. 

NILES 

Poke what? 

FRASIER 

Never mind. 

NILES 

Any signs of it coming back? 

FRASIER 

No. But then again, like I said yesterday I haven't forgotten that much, just a few odd things. Like tonight, for instance, I didn't know that I let dad have his poker buddies around three times a week, while I spent the evening walking and bathing Eddie. 

NILES 

Oh really? 

FRASIER 

I also didn't know that I'd agreed to have Daphne's room redecorated. Or that ten percent rise I promised her. Still, I haven't given her one for the last five years or so she assures me so I suppose it's only fair. 

NILES 

Yeah. So where is Daphne? 

FRASIER 

She's in her room. 

NILES HEADS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Where do you think your going? 

NILES 

To see Daphne. 

FRASIER 

I think you can wait until she comes out here thankyou very much. 

NILES 

But I… 

FRASIER 

No buts mister. Don't make me tie you to a chair. You stay there, I'm going to get a glass of water. Can I interest you in a glass? 

NILES 

Please. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Hello, I thought I heard the door go. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

Well my last patient cancelled so I thought I'd come and see you. 

DAPHNE 

In other words you cancelled your last patient so that you could come and see me. 

NILES 

Yes. 

DAPHNE 

You're going to have to stop doing that. As much as I love to see you I don't think your patients will stand it long. 

NILES 

They don't mind they're all nuts anyway. Half of them don't even know when I'm in the room to begin with. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH TWO GLASSES OF WATER. HE GIVES ONE TO NILES. 

FRASIER 

Hi Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Are you feeling all right Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

I wish everyone would stop asking me that. I'm perfectly fine. 

DAPHNE 

So what are you up to tonight? I've got the night off is that still all right? 

FRASIER 

That's fine. I don't know yet. Niles do you fancy dinner at Chez Henry? 

NILES 

It burnt down Frasier. 

FRASIER 

No. 

DAPHNE 

Oh we're not going to have to go through another morning period are we? I've thrown out the black armbands. 

FRASIER 

No, of course I remember that it burnt down. It was at… at… 

NILES 

New Years. 

FRASIER 

I was just about to say that. How about Stefano's? 

NILES 

We're banned from there. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

He was sick in the lobster tank. 

NILES 

Anyway Frasier, I have plans. 

FRASIER 

Another time then. I know I'll call Roz. 

HE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Hi Roz. Would you like to join me for a meal tonight? Who's Alice? No way. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Oh yeah he's fine. 

ENTER MARTIN AND EDDIE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

Hi guys. 

DAPHNE 

Hello Mr. Crane. 

NILES 

Hey Dad. 

NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO HIM WITH HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER. MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH EDDIE ON HIS LAP 

MARTIN 

So how is he? 

NILES 

Convinced there's nothing wrong with his memory. 

MARTIN 

I know isn't it great? You tell him anything and he believes it, just to cover up that he can't remember. Not only to I have three poker nights a week but he's also going to cover my losses for the evening. 

DAPHNE 

That's just mean. 

NILES 

I understand you're getting your room redecorated? 

DAPHNE 

That's right. But we'd discussed it before he hit his head. 

MARTIN 

But he wasn't going to pay. 

DAPHNE 

It's about time he did it anyway the stingy bleeder. It hasn't changed a bit in six years and he only did it then as an apology. 

FRASIER ENTERS AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE NILES AND DAPHNE TOGETHER 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Niles! 

NILES JUMPS UP, HALF WITH SURPRISE AND THE OTHER HALF BECAUSE HE STILL FEELS AS IF HE'S DOING SOMETHING WRONG. DAPHNE GOES FLYING ACROSS THE COUCH AND ALMOST FALLS OFF 

MARTIN 

Jeez, Fras, what's wrong with you? 

FRASIER 

Nothing. Niles can I see you for a moment in the kitchen? 

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What do you think you're doing? 

NILES 

Apart from having an embolism, sitting on the couch. What is the matter with you? 

FRASIER 

With Daphne? What about Maris? 

NILES 

What about her? She couldn't fit on a couch that size. 

FRASIER 

She's your wife and you're lolling all over Daphne. I've told you before this infatuation is getting out of hand. 

NILES 

Frasier, we're dating. 

FRASIER 

I know Dad and Daphne are trying to trick me with the poker and the redecorating but I'm prepared to let that go because they were sick with worry about me. But you're not going to get me on this one mister. 

NILES 

Fine, if you don't believe me, ask her. 

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Daphne, are you and Niles dating? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

But you're married to Maris. 

NILES 

Frasier, I've been divorced for over a year. 

FRASIER 

Of course. It was about time that you stood up for yourself. 

NILES 

She was cheating on me Frasier. She was getting engaged. 

FRASIER 

I know, but after you found out that, and that your therapy wasn't working you… 

MARTIN 

It was working all right for Maris. 

NILES 

She was sleeping with our therapist. 

FRASIER 

I knew that. 

DAPHNE 

You know nothing. Why don't you just admit it? 

FRASIER 

I'm just having a slight lapse of memory. It's all coming back to me now, so while I take my foot out of my mouth I'll be in the kitchen. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

He doesn't remember a thing. 

NILES SITS BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

Hey this is great. Let's tell him he remarried Lilith. 

NILES 

No, tell him that you married Sherry and they've gone on vacation for a week together. 

DAPHNE 

That's just mean. 

THEY ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY CALL FRASIER 

FRASIER 

(FROM KITCHEN) Just a second 

MARTIN 

So where are you two off to tonight? 

DAPHNE 

We're going to the opera. 

MARTIN 

Remember to take a book and a flashlight with you. 

NILES 

I told you, if you don't want to go you don't have to. 

DAPHNE 

I'd go anywhere as long as I'm with you. 

THEY KISS JUST AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

Niles! 

AGAIN NILES JUMPS AND SENDS DAPHNE FLYING 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Sorry, forgot. Oh come on you can't read anything into that. 

AS NILES SITS BACK DOWN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'HE NEVER NOTICED THE BLOOD WEEPING DOWN THE WALLS' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Mel) 

FRASIER IS SITTING DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS MEL ENTERS

MEL 

Why hello Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Hello. Do I know you? 

MEL 

Don't play games with me Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Since you know my name I'm going to take that as a yes. 

MEL 

Fine. Be a child. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry. You see I was hit on the head the other day and the doctor seems to think that I'm suffering a bout of amnesia. It's not that serious but I seem to have forgotten a few things. 

MEL 

Really? 

FRASIER 

Yes, although I feel ashamed for not remembering anyone as pretty as you are. 

MEL 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

I feel dreadful but I don't remember your name. 

MEL SITS DOWN 

MEL 

Dr. Mel Crane. Does it ring any bells? 

FRASIER 

That's a coincidence. We share the same surname. 

MEL 

Yes it is. You really don't have any idea who I am, do you? 

FRASIER 

I'm afraid not. 

MEL 

I'm your… I'm your… I'm your girlfriend silly. 

FRASIER 

I always knew I had excellent taste. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TALKING WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: 'THERE'S NEVER A STUN GUN AROUND WHEN YOU NEED ONE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Roz, Mel) 

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN IS ON THE PHONE TO DUKE 

MARTIN 

Not only that, he's getting me season tickets for the Seahawks. I know. If I'd know it was this easy I'd have hit him on the head years ago. OK bye. 

DAPHNE ENTERS 

DAPHNE 

And you accuse me of taking him for a ride 

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS. 

NILES 

Wow, you look stunning. 

DAPHNE 

You always say that. I'm beginning to think it's a reflex, I could answer the door in a garbage bag and you'd still say that. 

NILES 

If you were to answer the door in a garbage bag I think I'd say something a little different. 

DAPHNE 

I can just imagine. 

NILES 

You don't have to. You could try it tomorrow. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez, get a room. 

NILES 

Is this a new dress? 

DAPHNE 

Trust you to notice. Your brother bought it for me. 

NILES 

He's going to find out eventually. 

MARTIN 

Until then keep your big bazoo shut. He's getting me a big screen television and I'm working on getting Eddie a baby brother. 

DAPHNE 

Would you like a coffee before we go? 

NILES 

I'd love one. 

DAPHNE 

Mr. Crane? 

MARTIN 

I'd prefer something with an amber glow. 

DAPHNE 

A pot of honey it is then. 

NILES 

I'll give you a hand. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN DIALS THE PHONE 

MARTIN 

Hey McGinty. How you doing? Guess who's going on a tour round the Ballentine factory before they close it? That's right and you get all the free samples you want. I'm going to take my trunks and have a swim in the tank. Frasier's taking me. What can I say, he's like a completely different person, I just hope it lasts. 

FRASIER AND MEL ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

And the door opens and smacks me right on the head. 

MARTIN 

I've got to go. I think the world just ended. 

MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

What the hell is she doing here? You should have warned me I needed to get another rabies shot. 

FRASIER 

Dad, don't speak to her like that. 

MEL 

Hello, Dad. How nice it is that you're still alive. 

FRASIER 

I didn't realise you two were so close. 

MEL 

Oh we're very close, aren't we Dad? 

MARTIN 

Don't come too close. You forget I still have my gun. 

NILES ENTERS THEN NOTICES MEL 

NILES 

Frasier can I get you a… what the hell are you doing here? 

MEL 

Hello Niles. 

FRASIER 

Anyone would think that something unusual is going on. This is my apartment after all, if I want to bring my girlfriend back here I will. 

NILES 

Your what? 

FRASIER 

My girlfriend. And you accuse me of having amnesia. 

DAPHNE ENTERS AND THEN NOTICES MEL 

DAPHNE 

Niles do you want… what are you doing here? 

MEL 

Hello Daphne. 

NILES 

She's Frasier's girlfriend. 

DAPHNE 

Like hell she is. What ever you're thinking it's not going to work. You've got a lot of nerve turning up here after the way you've been behaving. 

FRASIER 

Daphne, don't speak to Mel like that. 

MEL 

I've told you honey, you should rotate your staff like you rotate your tires, otherwise they start to get a little ragged and hard to control. 

DAPHNE 

How dare you speak to me like that. 

NILES 

Daphne don't. 

DAPHNE 

That's right, take her side why don't you. 

NILES 

Honey I'm only… 

DAPHNE EXITS TO KITCHEN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

There, are you happy now? 

MEL 

What a shame. Trouble in paradise Niles? I'm just going to use the powder room sweetie. Daphne make me some coffee. 

DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE 

If you think I'm… 

FRASIER 

Daphne, would you like to get Mel a coffee? 

DAPHNE 

I'd rather get her a coffin. 

MEL 

It's all right sweetie. 

MEL KISSES FRASIER LONG AND HARD ON THE LIPS. NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL LOOK AWAY. MEL THEN SMILES AT THEM AND EXITS TO THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

I knew I should have brought that sharp stick around here. What the hell do you think you're doing? Is this some kind of joke? 

DAPHNE 

It's just mean that's what it is. 

MARTIN 

Yeah Frasier. OK we've lied to you a little about what goes on around here, I don't play poker three nights a week. There's no need to get us back like this. 

FRASIER 

What are you blabbering on about? 

NILES 

Mel. 

FRASIER 

I know she's great isn't she. I feel so ashamed I don't remember her. Still she assures me that we're practically inseparable though. 

DAPHNE 

So you should feel ashamed. This is the cruellest trick you could have possible played. I suppose you're going to bring Donny in tomorrow and parade him round as your new best friend. 

FRASIER 

And Donny would be? 

MARTIN 

Right that's it, there's no denying it Frasier you have amnesia. 

FRASIER 

I do not, so I forgot what year it was and that you two were dating, but the pair of you are not the centre of the universe you know. 

NILES 

Frasier, Mel is my wife. 

FRASIER 

What? 

NILES 

She's my wife. 

FRASIER 

Don't talk ridiculous. 

MARTIN 

It's the truth. 

NILES 

She's obviously taking you for a ride, to get back at me. 

FRASIER 

And why would she do that? 

DAPHNE 

Probably because he dumped her three days after they got married for me. 

NILES 

Frasier she's trying bleed me dry. I've offered her settlement after settlement but she won't except. It was easier to get Maris off her addition to cough mixture than it is to get Mel to agree to anything. She likes to see me suffer even more than Maris did. 

FRASIER 

You're not going to trick me again. 

NILES 

Is this about Lilith? 

FRASIER 

What about her? And don't try to convince me again that I remarried her. Because that story was full of holes. To start with Lilith could never get her leg up that high. 

NILES 

Are you trying to get back at me because of what happened between Lilith and me? Thought you'd try a little spouse swapping? 

DAPHNE 

You can leave me out of it if that's what you're after. 

FRASIER 

What happened? 

NILES 

You really don't remember do you? 

FRASIER 

What happened? 

NILES 

Nothing. 

FRASIER 

Niles what happened between you and Lilith? 

NILES 

I told you nothing. 

MEL ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND FRASIER 

MEL 

They slept together dear. You were practically inconsolable at the betrayal. It seems he'll sleep with anyone these days. You know you should be careful, you never know what you could catch. 

NILES 

Why are you doing this? Why are you taking advantage of a man who currently has a memory the size of a goldfish? Is it not enough that you almost lost him his job? 

MEL 

You've never liked me have you Niles? Is it because I'm not beneath you? You haven't had to pick me out of the gutter. 

DAPHNE 

You know I'm sorry that he picked me over you. I'm sorry you've been so hurt by it but I wouldn't change what's happened for the world. So get out of the bloody, bloody, bloody, frigging house. 

MEL 

You've certainly chosen well Niles. Not only is she soiled goods but she has a nice mouth on her as well. 

DAPHNE 

You bitch! 

DAPHNE SLAPS MEL ACROSS THE FACE. NILES IMMEDIATELY GRABS DAPHNE TO PROTECT HER FROM ANY BACKLASH. 

MEL 

How dare you lay a finger on me? How dare you think you have some standings here just because Niles decided it might be a good idea to start shagging the help. 

FRASIER 

Daphne? What has got into you? Now apologise. 

DAPHNE 

I'd rather be fired and thrown out on the street than apologise to her. 

MEL 

You'd feel right at home then, wouldn't you Daphne on the street with the rest of the trash? 

DAPHNE GOES TO SLAP HER AGAIN BUT SOME HOW NILES MANAGES TO HANG ON TO HER 

FRASIER 

All right! That is enough! Daphne I don't know what is the matter with you. Now you may be Niles' girlfriend now but you are still my employee and you will behave as such. Now apologise. 

MARTIN 

Frasier! Don't speak to her like that. 

NILES 

You are completely out of line Frasier. 

FRASIER 

I'm waiting. 

DAPHNE 

Mel, I'm so terribly sorry that your husband chose me over you. I'm sorry that you've turned into this bitter, lonely woman. But then again, you haven't changed that much, you weren't much of a picnic before this happened. 

MEL 

What's that song? 'That's Why The Lady Is A Tramp'. 

DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN TRIES TO SLAP MEL. THIS TIME MARTIN GETS UP TO HELP NILES HOLD HER 

NILES 

Mel don't. If you want to get back at someone, then here I am. I'm the one who did this, I'm the one who left you, so just leave them out of it. 

FRASIER 

Everything always has to be about you doesn't it? 

MEL 

I have no idea what you're talking about Niles. 

NILES 

OK you've had your fun now get out of here. 

FRASIER 

Niles, you may be my brother but I will not have you talk to someone that I care about like that. I don't know why you're doing this. 

MARTIN 

Frasier, she's lying to you for God's sake. 

FRASIER 

I'm not going to listen to anymore of this. 

FRASIER AND MEL GO TO EXIT AS ROZ ENTERS OFF THE ELEVATOR 

ROZ 

What in the name of holy crap is she doing here? 

MEL 

Why Roz, its night-time shouldn't you be working? 

ROZ 

Why you little… 

FRASIER 

Roz don't talk to her like that. I'm shocked at the fact that none of you can make a woman that I care about feel welcome in this house. Come on Mel. 

FRASIER EXITS BUT MEL STICKS HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR 

MEL 

It's been worth having to let your brother kiss me all day just to see the expressions on your faces. By the way Daphne, you look really cheap in that dress, but what am I saying, you are a servant after all. 

EXIT MEL

DAPHNE 

All right let me go. 

ROZ 

What is going on? 

MARTIN 

Mel told Frasier that they're dating. 

ROZ 

She's what? 

NILES 

Every opportunity that she has, she gobbles up to torture me. I can't believe she's dragging Frasier into it though. Like she hasn't already done enough to him. 

ROZ 

Are you guys OK? 

DAPHNE 

I'd feel better if I'd have had a cattle prod. But we can't have everything. At least I've completed one task on my to-do list. 

ROZ 

What's that? 

MARTIN 

Daphne slapped Mel. 

ROZ 

Really? 

MARTIN 

They were one step away from wrestling in pudding. 

ROZ 

Way to go Daphne! 

NILES 

Daphne, I'm so sorry for all of this. I didn't mean to speak to you like that. 

DAPHNE 

Forget about it. I have. 

MARTIN 

It's a good job she left when she did. I was one step away from getting my gun. One way or another someone was going to die. 

NILES 

And with your aim it could have been any of us. 

MARTIN 

We've got to try to force his memory back. 

ROZ 

If a blow on the head caused it in the first place, why don't we just hit him again? 

NILES 

This is not a cartoon. 

MARTIN 

It wouldn't hurt. 

DAPHNE 

You just want to hit him round the head with a frying pan. 

MARTIN 

Well forgive me for having an ambition. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Mel, Waitress, Alan) 

FRASIER AND MEL ARE SITTING DOWN IN THE RESTAURANT. EVERY SURROUNDING TABLE IS FULL 

FRASIER 

I must apologise once again for their behaviour at home. My family seems to be locked into a pattern of detesting each other's mates. Which was fine for Maris and Sherry because they were both nuts but not you. 

MEL 

So tell me about Niles and the servant girl. 

FRASIER 

You mean Daphne? 

MEL 

Of course I do. 

FRASIER 

Tell you what? They're dating. That's pretty much it. 

MEL 

Does he see her often? 

FRASIER 

Over the last week they've been out every night, before that I don't recall. But enough about them, lets talk about us. 

MEL 

Oh yes… us… how exciting. I can barely wait. 

FRASIER 

Unfortunately I don't remember a lot about us. But I suppose that enables me to fall in love with you all over again. 

MEL 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So does Niles spend the night over at your place? 

FRASIER 

You seem fixated on my brother. 

MEL 

I'm just curious that's all baby. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

FRASIER 

No he doesn't. 

MEL 

Does Daphne stay at the Montana then? 

FRASIER 

No. 

MEL 

You mean they're not sleeping together? 

FRASIER 

I don't think so. 

MEL 

Damn. 

FRASIER 

What's all this about? 

MEL 

Just a second. 

SHE TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS 

MEL (CONT'D) 

Hi Donny. Bad news. They're not sleeping together. Frasier told me. No, he has amnesia. Honesty. He has no clue who I am. Listen, Frasier do you know who Donny is? 

FRASIER 

Donny Osmond? 

MEL 

What did I tell you? I'm on my way back now. Ok bye. 

MEL STANDS UP TO LEAVE 

FRASIER 

Wait Mel, where are you going? 

MEL 

Home. You've served your purpose. 

FRASIER 

But what about dinner? 

MEL 

I've already been with your brother and not I'm interested in adding another Crane to my list of conquests. 

EXIT MEL

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Mel! 

ENTER WAITRESS

WAITRESS 

Are you OK sir? 

FRASIER 

I think I've just been dumped for Donny Osmond. 

WAITRESS 

I'm so sorry. Had you been together long? 

FRASIER 

I've no idea. 

WAITRESS 

Can I get you a drink? 

FRASIER 

A Martini. Two olives. Thankyou. 

WAITRESS 

I know your voice. Are you Dr. Frasier Crane? 

FRASIER 

Possibly but I'm not certain. 

EXIT WAITRESS AND ENTER ALAN

ALAN 

You're Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

Yes. I'm sorry, I'm having a rough day, I'd prefer not to give any autographs at the moment. 

ALAN 

My wife left me because of you. 

FRASIER 

I beg your pardon? I didn't sleep with her did I? Because if I did I don't remember. Not that I'm saying that sleeping with your wife wouldn't be memorable. Hell, I don't even know your wife. You were saying? 

ALAN 

She heard you and me talking on the radio. 

FRASIER 

I take it my advice didn't help your situation. 

ALAN 

You gave me no advice, just hung up on me. You don't remember me do you? 

FRASIER 

I'm afraid not. You see I'm suffering a bout of amnesia. 

ALAN 

Well lets see if this will jog your memory. You bastard. 

ALAN PUNCHES HIM AND CAUSES HIM TO FALL ON THE FLOOR 

ALAN (CONT'D) 

If I want to watch the racing with a dead relative on the couch then it's my own Goddamn business. 

FRASIER 

But she was your mother-in-law. 

ALAN 

I knew you remembered. 

FRASIER 

Of course I remember. It's one of the most appallingly inexcusable things that I have ever heard. Wait I remember. Oh my God I kissed Mel. 

HE GRABS A GLASS OF WATER OFF THE TABLE AND GARGLES WITH IT. HE THEN SPITS IT OUT BUT IT LANDS ON ALAN'S SHOES 

ALAN 

I just bought these shoes. 

FRASIER 

And they're very nice. 

ALAN 

You won't think that, when they're giving you a good kicking. 

FRASIER 

My God look at the time, I must be running along. 

AS FRASIER RUNS OUT OF THE RESTAURANT BEING PURSUED BY ALAN WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ ARE WAITING BY THE FRONT DOOR IN THE DARK, EACH HOLDING A DIFFERENT FRYING PAN OR SAUCEPAN. THEY WAIT PATIENTLY FOR FRASIER TO RETURN HOME 


	5. Episode Five

_Once again I don't own any of these characters, I only write these because I amuse myself by doing them. _

_Please send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Five   
Cartoon Capers 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1   
(Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Niles, Bebe, Eddie) 

MARTIN IS LYING ON HIS BACK ON THE FLOOR WITH DAPHNE EXERCISING HIS HIP AND LEG. EDDIE IS LYING IN MARTIN'S CHAIR. 

DAPHNE 

Right, enough of that, now the other leg. We don't want it to feel left out now do we? 

MARTIN 

You enjoy putting me through this don't you? 

DAPHNE 

Do you want to be able to move around on your own or not? We need to keep you limber for that long trek to the refrigerator to get a beer. I've often thought hiding the television remote control would give you more exercise. Or keeping your beer on top of the fridge so you'd have to jump up to reach it. 

MARTIN 

And I'd be thanking you every opportunity that I got while lying in the hospital bed with a cracked hip. 

DAPHNE 

Anyone would think that I enjoyed making you suffer. 

MARTIN 

Well don't you, witch woman? 

DAPHNE 

I may have a sardonic streak in me but it's not that big. Anyway it's one of the perks of the job. Your son just happens to be another perk of the job. A perk that I hadn't fully appreciated until Dr. Crane stuck his conk in. And I should watch who you're calling witch woman while you're in your current position. I'm sure I could make this foot touch the floor behind your head with a bit of effort and a quick click of a hip. 

MARTIN 

Eddie, you chew her leg while I push her off. 

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR IN HIS SQUASH CLOTHES AND CARRYING HIS BAG AND RACKET. HE LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN. 

FRASIER 

Oh for God's sake Niles, the ball did not hit you that hard. My backhand is not that powerful. 

NILES 

(CALLING FROM THE HALL) How would you know? You weren't on the other end. It would have been less painful if you'd shot it out of a cannon. 

FRASIER 

Stop being such a baby. 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? 

FRASIER 

I accidentally hit Niles with the squash ball. 

NILES 

(CALLING FROM THE HALL) Accidentally? It was a full-blown assault, I'm surprised you didn't try to finish the job and beat me to death with your racket. 

DAPHNE 

Where did you hit him? 

FRASIER 

At the squash court. 

DAPHNE 

No I mean where on his body. 

NILES ENTERS WALKING VERY SLOWLY, HOLDING ON TO THE DOOR AND THEN THE CONSOLE FOR SUPPORT WITH ONE HAND AND HOLDING HIS GROIN WITH THE OTHER 

FRASIER 

No where important. At least you've got your breath back now. I was beginning to think I was going to have to give you CPR. 

DAPHNE GETS UP AND HELPS HIM TO THE COUCH 

DAPHNE 

Oh honey! I was going to ask if I should kiss it better but I think I should just go and get some ice instead. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR. 

MARTIN 

A squash ball? That's nothing. Has your own horse ever kicked you in the crown jewels? It sounded as if I'd been breathing in helium all week. I had a shoe print there for weeks. Maybe you should go and see a doctor Niles if it's really that painful. 

NILES 

I have enough trouble turning my head and coughing in front of that man as it is without going to see him about this. 

ENTER DAPHNE WITH AN ICE PACK 

DAPHNE 

Here you go. 

NILES LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE SITS WITH HIM AND APPLIES THE ICE PACK 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Is that better? 

NILES 

Err… Yeah. On so many levels. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

FRASIER 

Did you ever consider how my back is after I had to drag you off the court by your ankles? 

NILES 

I have a swimmers build for God's sake. How heavy can I be? 

FRASIER 

Point taken. At least your eyes have stopped watering now. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER BEBE

FRASIER 

Oh hi Bebe. 

BEBE 

There he is. My number one client. Seattle's knight in shining armour. The person who puts a glow into every patient at the lunatic asylum. 

FRASIER 

That's not me, its electro-shock therapy that accomplishes that small feat. 

BEBE 

Yes but has it sent more people on the path to mental health? I think not. 

FRASIER 

What do you want? 

NILES 

To give you colonic irrigation by the sounds of it. She's trying to get her head that far up your… Ouch! 

DAPHNE 

Sorry am I being too hard? 

NILES 

No but something else is. I think I'd better hold it. 

NILES SITS UP AND TAKES THE ICE PACK OFF DAPHNE 

BEBE 

I didn't know this had become part of your duties Miss. Moon. Frasier you should have warned me so I can keep it out of the papers. Damage control is my specialty. 

FRASIER 

Oh really? 

BEBE 

That's right. If I had been in the Clinton administration no one would have ever heard of Monica Lewinsky. 

FRASIER 

Only because you'd have killed her and buried her in the grounds of the White House. 

BEBE 

And your point would be? 

MARTIN 

Frasier hit him with a squash ball. 

BEBE 

My, my, Frasier I didn't know you had such a good aim. That's like trying to hit a flea on an elephant's behind. 

NILES 

Shouldn't you be burning on a stake somewhere? 

FRASIER 

Now, now children. Bebe what can I do for you? 

BEBE 

Now Frasier I have some really exciting news for you. 

NILES 

You've been exorcised? 

BEBE DROPS HER PURSE ONTO NILES' LAP 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Ouch! 

BEBE 

Now, now Niles, there's no need to get testy. 

NILES 

What have you got in here? The book of the dead? 

BEBE 

A microscope and a pair of tweezers, would you care to step into the bathroom and check if you're still in one piece. 

FRASIER 

And the exciting news is? 

BEBE 

I've gotten you a job. 

FRASIER 

I already have a job. Now we've discussed this before. I'm happy at KACL. 

BEBE 

Think of it as part-time work. 

MARTIN 

Like she's a part-time agent. The rest of the time she spends grooming future Hitler's and making it rain sulphur. 

FRASIER 

Doing what? 

BEBE 

I've spoken to the producers over at Upmarket Pictures and they want you, Frasier Crane. The man whose voice could melt an ice sculpture. The man with more talent than the rest of that radio station put together. The man whose talents shouldn't be wasted on just one project. The man… 

FRASIER 

Oh spit it out! 

BEBE 

They want you to be the voice of new cartoon character 'Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk'. 

FRASIER 

Me? The voice for a cartoon character? 

BEBE 

That's right. 

DAPHNE 

Here we go again. Brace yourselves. 

FRASIER 

I don't know Bebe. I'm a psychiatrist not an actor. How are my callers supposed to take me seriously after hearing my voice come from a colourful cartoon character? 

BEBE 

But think of it was a way to educate the youth of America. Each character in the show represents a different angle on American culture. Each episode will deal of a conflict of some sort and have morals seeping from every orifice. Not unlike your work on KACL a resolution will come from rational thought, sound reasoning and confrontation. It's your opportunity to take psychology out of the grasps of the stuffed shirts and place it on a silver platter for our children to understand and love. And they're offering a four-figure sum per episode. 

FRASIER 

Would I have some input on the story lines and analysis of the situations? 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

BEBE 

But of course. 

FRASIER 

And it would need to be scheduled around my work on the radio. 

BEBE 

It has. I mean it will. 

NILES 

I knew it wouldn't be long before you had a talking doll and your face on a lunchbox. Why do you let this woman talk you into these things? 

FRASIER 

Now Niles, if it's a way of introducing the world of psychology to children where's the harm? 

NILES 

It will make a mockery of the entire profession. Fine teach children about psychology but don't do it through the commercial eye of a chipmunk named Charlie. 

BEBE 

It's Chesty. And it's brilliant. 

FRASIER 

This is just retaliation for that squash ball and I'm not going to listen to it. Bebe you've got a deal. 

BEBE 

Wonderful. I'll call them right away. 

BEBE EXITS TO THE TERRACE WITH THE TELEPHONE 

MARTIN 

Well good luck to you Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Then you approve? 

MARTIN 

No, I think you're nuts. I wouldn't trust that woman as far as I could throw her. Which isn't far. 

DAPHNE 

That's only because the moment she's airborne she'd flap her arms and start to fly. 

NILES 

Ouch! 

DAPHNE 

Why don't you go and rub some of my cream on it. It's in the bathroom. I use it to reduce the swelling on your father's hip. 

NILES 

I'm willing to give anything a try. 

NILES, SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY, MAKES HIS WAY TO THE BATHROOM 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure you don't need any help? 

NILES 

I think I'll manage. 

DAPHNE 

Yell if you need me. 

NILES 

Is that a general rule or just for this instance? 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

NILES EXITS AS BEBE ENTERS FROM THE TERRACE 

BEBE 

It's all set. They want you down at the studio Wednesday at eleven. That gives you enough time to record your part and head over to the radio station. They're ecstatic that you've chosen to do it, the deadline was fast approaching. 

FRASIER 

Deadline? 

BEBE 

Yes, the first episode airs next week. 

MARTIN 

Next week? I thought it took months to make a cartoon. 

BEBE 

It does. But you see the animation is already complete for the first dozen or so episodes. They just need you to add the voice, as the person previously hired can no longer do the remainder of the episodes. So instead of switching voices half way through they've decided to have a new 'Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk' from the very beginning. 

FRASIER 

Why couldn't he do the rest of the season? 

BEBE 

He was executed last week. 

ENTER NILES

DAPHNE 

Is it feeling any better? 

NILES 

Not at the moment. 

DAPHNE 

You used the cream in the white tub? 

NILES 

No. The red one. 

DAPHNE 

Oh you silly sod. That's deep heat. 

NILES 

So what does that mean? 

BEBE 

Prepare to have your balls burnt off baby. 

NILES 

So what do I do? 

DAPHNE 

Let's get you into Dr. Crane's bath before it kicks in. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT

FRASIER 

So 'Chesty' it is. 

BEBE 

You're going to make an adorable chipmunk dear. 

FRASIER 

This is wonderful, I've always wanted to do something aimed at the youth market. 

NILES SUDDENLY LETS FLY A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'MONKEY BUSINESS' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Waitress) 

ROZ IS SITTING READING A LETTER AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

Hi Roz. 

ROZ 

Hiya Frasier. 

FRASIER SITS DOWN AS A WAITRESS COMES OVER 

FRASIER 

A latte please. So what are you reading? 

ROZ 

Just a letter from a friend. 

FRASIER 

Oh anyone I know. 

ROZ 

It's a friend! A friend! Do you have to know everything? 

FRASIER 

It's from Ned again isn't it? 

ROZ 

No. I told you I finished it with him. 

FRASIER 

Then why does this letter smell like the animal house at the zoo? 

ROZ 

It doesn't. Smell it. 

SHE PUTS THE LETTER UNDER HIS NOSE 

FRASIER 

Well something smells like it. 

ROZ 

Maybe someone's just walked in who's been to the zoo today. 

FRASIER 

You can't pull the wool over my eyes. You're dating Ned again aren't you? 

ROZ 

No, I'm not as a matter of fact I'm not. 

FRASIER 

OK let me rephrase. You're sleeping with Ned again aren't you? 

ROZ 

Once again my answer would have to be no. 

FRASIER 

Then once again I'll rephrase. You're having sex with Ned again aren't you? 

ROZ 

No! 

FRASIER 

Roz. 

ROZ 

Oh all right yes. So what. Just because you're not having sex doesn't mean that I have to take a vow of chastity as well. Celibacy is just not my style. 

FRASIER 

Some serious Hail Mary's would be needed to make you chaste again Roz. 

ROZ 

At least my virginity hasn't grown back. 

THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER FRASIER'S LATTE. HAVING HEARD THE LAST PART OF THE CONVERSATION, FRASIER JUST SMILES AT THE WAITRESS 

FRASIER 

That's very amusing. But Ned how could you? 

ROZ 

I know, I'm weak and pathetic. But I just happened to be walking past the zoo and there he was in the monkey house looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes. 

FRASIER 

I take it we're not talking about Larry the Ape. 

ROZ 

No Ned. 

FRASIER 

He works at the zoo on Mercer Island right? 

ROZ 

That's right. 

FRASIER 

What were you doing there? 

ROZ 

I felt like having a little trip out. 

FRASIER 

Wait a second. The monkey house is at the back of the zoo. 

ROZ 

So. 

FRASIER 

You said you were walking past the zoo when you saw him. 

ROZ 

Walking passed, in, what's the difference. 

FRASIER 

Tell me you didn't Roz. 

ROZ 

I didn't. 

FRASIER 

Are you lying? 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Oh Roz. How could you? 

ROZ 

I know it's been a long time but you can't surely have forgotten. 

FRASIER 

You had sex in the monkey house again didn't you? 

ROZ 

Oh God Yes 

FRASIER 

Surrounded by monkeys? 

ROZ 

Well Ned is the king of the swingers. He wrote me another poem while I tried to get the straw out of my hair. 

FRASIER 

A zookeeper and a poet no wonder you were drawn to him. Roz this isn't a poem, it's a nursery rhyme. 

ROZ 

It's a poem. 

FRASIER 

It isn't. Mary had a little lamb. 

ROZ 

It may start that way, but you have to read on. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see. Well if Mary has always been able to lift her legs that high why on earth has she been tending sheep for so long. She could have made her fortune in another profession. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TALKING WE: 

FADE OUT: 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RECORDING STUDIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Bebe, Jack, Carlos (V.O.), Candy (V.O.)) 

FRASIER IS STANDING WITH BEBE NEXT TO A LARGE MICROPHONE. TO THE RIGHT IS A GLASS PARTITION LIKE IN HIS OWN BOOTH. ENTER JACK. 

JACK 

Hello Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Hello Jack. 

THEY SHAKE HANDS 

FRASIER 

Are you all ready for me today? 

JACK 

We certainly are. Hello Bebe. 

BEBE 

Hello Jack. Now you must promise to take care of my number one client here. He's a precious commodity. 

JACK 

I thought I was your number one client. 

BEBE 

That was when I wanted a favour. I'll see you later then Frasier. I have to have a meeting about the commercial rights. By the time I'm through you shall have Chesty lunchboxes, Chesty toys, Chesty drain cleaners and even Chesty reusable band-aids. Bye sweetie. 

EXIT BEBE

FRASIER 

But Bebe… 

JACK 

Right Dr. Crane. For the first few weeks we're going to have to do things a little different. 

FRASIER 

How so? 

JACK 

At the moment there is no room for improvisation. The cartoon has already been lip-synced to the voice that Carlos provided us with before he had to leave. And quite frankly we don't have the time or the money to change it now. So we need you to repeat his words exactly for the first few episodes. 

FRASIER 

Oh really? 

JACK 

Now we'll play you Carlos saying the line and all you need to do is repeat it at the same speed but of course with your own personal touch. 

FRASIER 

I think I can manage that. It's a little different from playing Hamlet but I think I can cope. 

FRASIER PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES AS JACK EXITS TO BEHIND THE GLASS PARTITION 

JACK 

Now in this first section Chesty has gone to visit his girlfriend Candy. So all you have to do is repeat what you hear and let us know if you want a break. 

FRASIER 

Very well. 

JACK 

Ok Dr. Crane if you want the line played again just let us know. OK here we go. 

CARLOS 

(IN A VERY THICK, STRONG SPANISH ACCENT WHICH IS BARELY UNDERSTANDABLE) Hello there Candy. 

FRASIER 

Hello there Candy. Wait a second can I do that again. I don't think I really got the warmth that the situation required. 

JACK 

The warmth? 

FRASIER 

Yes, there should be some love in the voice after all these chipmunks are dating. We should try to keep this as realistic as possible. 

JACK 

OK Dr. Crane, once again. 

FRASIER 

Hello there Candy. See that was much better. 

CANDY 

Why hello there Chesty. Why don't you come through into the other room? I've got a tasty treat for you. 

CARLOS 

Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish. 

FRASIER 

Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish. 

AS FRASIER CONTINUES RECORDING WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Gil, Beth (V.O.)) 

FRASIER AND ROZ ARE SITTING ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES ON THE BOOTH. FRASIER IS ON THE LINE BETH

FRASIER 

Beth, the feelings that you are experiencing are perfectly natural. Now we may not like it but death is a part of life that we really have to cope with. No one wants to die. And when we loose a loved one it can be the most painful thing that we experience in ours lives. But you have to go on living Beth. I think Mickey would have wanted that for you. He wouldn't have wanted you to feel like this. 

BETH 

But it's just so hard. 

FRASIER 

I know it is Beth. But it will get better with time. In a moment I will ask Roz to give you some numbers for some bereavement counsellors who may be able to help you come to terms with you loss. But before I turn you over to Roz I think there's something that you need to do. 

BETH 

I know Dr. Crane but it's just so hard. 

FRASIER 

I'm here for you Beth. Now let go of Mickey, it's not right to hold onto his body like this. Have you put him down? 

BETH 

Yes Dr. Crane. He just looks so helpless. 

FRASIER 

I know he does Beth. I think you know what you should do next. 

BETH 

OK 

THE SOUND OF A TOILET FLUSHING CAN NOT BE HEARD OVER THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

So long Mickey. You're going to where all good goldfish eventually go. Before I sign off, may I just take this opportunity to remind my listeners with small children that Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk will be broadcast at the end of the week with yours truly starring as Chesty. So make sure you tune in as Chesty lends an ear to all of his fury friends in need. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you a good day and good mental health. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AS GIL ENTERS

GIL 

Wonderful show today Frasier. How do you cope with all of these loonies? It makes one want to carry a sharp stick when out on the street. All I have to cope with is the occasional angry restaurant owner and suicidal chef. 

FRASIER 

Who then call my show. It's the circle of life. 

GIL 

I was just curious as to when your cartoon was going to be broadcast. Deb and I wanted to make sure that we didn't miss it. 

FRASIER 

It's not actually been given a very good time slot in all honesty Gil. 

GIL 

Why what time is it on? 

FRASIER 

Two AM on Fridays. As it's aimed at a youth audience you'd have thought they would have aired it at a more suitable time. Still the children's television market is a competitive one, it's only fair that we earn our right to be aired prime-time. 

GIL 

And with your talent it will only be a matter of time before KACL is bombarded with fan mail from the adoring children of Seattle. 

FRASIER 

All right Gil I've told you if I can get you a guest spot on the show I will. 

GIL 

Just making sure you haven't forgotten. 

GIL EXITS AS ROZ ENTERS FROM HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

How could I forget? I'm surprised you haven't tried to tattoo it on my forehead. 

ROZ 

So have you seen the tape yet? 

FRASIER 

No, Bebe is supposed to be dropping it by this afternoon. Are you still going to come over and watch it tonight? 

ROZ 

Of course. I don't think I'll be able to catch it when it's broadcast. 

FRASIER 

Of course, you're normally looking for your underwear and trying to remember if you've got any fresh milk in the house at that time. So how is Ned? 

ROZ 

For your information I've broken it off. 

FRASIER 

I always knew you had a strong grip. 

ROZ 

Ha! I am really going to miss him though. 

FRASIER 

Well why wouldn't you miss a Prince Charming like that? After all he did like to make love amongst animal excrement and send you erotic 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' rhymes. No wonder you're heart broken. 

AS FRASIER EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Bebe, Eddie) 

FRASIER ENTERS TO AN EMPTY ROOM 

FRASIER 

Hello. Anybody home? 

MARTIN 

(CALLING FROM THE KITCHEN) I'm in here Fras. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS TRYING DESPERATELY TO REACH A SIX PACK OF BEER ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

What are you doing? 

MARTIN 

Daphne's hidden my beer on top of the icebox. 

FRASIER 

For any particular reason? 

MARTIN 

She's cutting off my supply until I do my exercises without complaining. 

FRASIER 

Then I'd have to say bravo Daphne. 

MARTIN 

Oh come on Fras, give me a hand. Help an old man in need. You won't regret it. 

FRASIER 

Those are the very words Niles utter to me eight years ago when I took you in. 

MARTIN 

And? 

FRASIER 

I'm still regreting it. 

MARTIN 

So you're not going to help me. 

FRASIER 

Only if you need a kidney or bone marrow. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM 

NILES 

Hi Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Hello Niles. What were you doing in Daphne's room? 

NILES 

Teaching her how to scuba dive, naturally. 

FRASIER 

How delightfully funny. 

NILES 

You don't have a problem with my being in Daphne's room do you? 

FRASIER 

If I had a problem I wouldn't have told you how she felt. I was just curious about how your injury was holding up. 

NILES 

At the minute it's not holding up at all. There's nothing for it to hold up. 

FRASIER 

You mean your not… 

NILES 

No. 

FRASIER 

Still a no go area? 

NILES 

Like the docks after dark. 

FRASIER 

Sorry. Is it a bit of a touchy area? 

NILES 

Not at the moment. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Hello Dr. Crane. Bebe's not here yet is she? 

FRASIER 

No not yet. 

DAPHNE 

Good. I've still got me stun gun on charge. 

NILES 

Frasier, why has Dad put Eddie on the refrigerator? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

EDDIE IS STANDING ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR AS MARTIN DIRECTS HIM 

MARTIN 

Come on boy. Just nudge it over to me. That's it. 

ENTER FRASIER AND NILES

FRASIER 

Dad! 

MARTIN 

What? 

FRASIER 

Get that flea infested, fur covered colon off there. 

EXIT FRASIER. AS MARTIN GETS EDDIE DOWN NILES GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE 

MARTIN 

Hay Niles, you're taller than I am. Reach up and get me a beer please. 

NILES 

Dad, she would kill me. 

MARTIN 

What do you think I'm going to do to you? 

NILES 

I'm sorry Dad, no. 

MARTIN 

After everything I've done for you. After all the extra shifts I put in to put you through medical school, after… 

NILES 

Save the guilt trip Dad, I'm not Jewish, it doesn't work. 

SFX: DOORBELL

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER BEBE

DAPHNE 

Hello Bebe. 

BEBE 

Miss. Moon. 

FRASIER 

I didn't expect you over so soon. 

NILES 

You could tell she was in the building. Eddie started whimpering. 

BEBE 

I see he's been taking lessons off you then Niles. 

FRASIER 

Have you got the tape? 

BEBE 

I certainly have. 

FRASIER 

Then our after dinner entertainment's all settled. 

DAPHNE 

(SOTTO TO NILES) Why is she going to turn into a bat? 

AS DINNER IS STARTED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE INNOCENCE OF NO CHIPMUNK WAS VIOLATED DURING THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Bebe, Candy (V.O.)) 

NILES AND DAPHNE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH FRASIER NEXT TO THEM AND BEBE PERCHED ON THE ARM NEAREST MARTIN WHO IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR CLUTCHING HIS CANE 

FRASIER 

I don't know what's keeping Roz. She's still not answering her phone. 

DAPHNE 

She's probably taking Alice around to the babysitters. 

MARTIN 

She'll be here soon. Just start the tape, the games on in twenty minutes. 

FRASIER 

Oh all right then. 

FRASIER PRESSES PLAY ON THE REMOTE CONTROL. 

BEBE 

Oh look at that. Chesty the Cheerful Chipmunk, starring Dr. Frasier Crane as Chesty. Are there anymore sweeter words in the English dictionary then that? 

FRASIER 

Therapy at one hundred and fifty dollars an hour springs to mind. 

NILES 

And starring as Candy. Traci Lords? 

FRASIER 

I didn't know she did the voice for Candy. 

BEBE 

Oh didn't you dear? It must have slipped my mind. 

CHESTY 

Hello there Candy. 

CANDY 

Why hello there Chesty. Why don't you come through into the other room? I've got a tasty treat for you. 

CHESTY 

Well be prepared once I get started it takes me hours to finish. 

CANDY 

Oh Chesty you naughty thing. 

SOUNDS OF GROANS AND MOANS CAN THEN BE HEARD ON THE TELEVISION ACCOMPANIED BY A CLASSIC PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE TUNE, AS THE HOUSEHOLD EXCEPT BEBE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED AND HORRIFIED AT THE SCREEN 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure this is aimed at children Dr. Crane? Because if it is I'm almost certain Candy shouldn't have her hand there. 

FRASIER 

Bebe? 

BEBE 

Yes dear? 

FRASIER 

This isn't a children's cartoon is it? 

BEBE 

Not exactly darling. 

MARTIN 

Wow, look at them go. 

FRASIER 

This is animated animal porn! 

BEBE 

It could be considered that if you chose that interpretation. 

FRASIER 

There is only one interpretation here. Chesty and Candy are having sex on the kitchen table. 

NILES 

They were, now they've discovered it's much more comfortable on that little acorn oven. You could have turned the stove off first. 

FRASIER 

I don't believe this. 

MARTIN 

You mean you didn't know? 

FRASIER 

Oh course I didn't. Do you honestly think that I would knowingly make this kind of smut? 

CHESTY 

Oh yeah, that's so good. More, more! 

THE MOANS BECOME LOUDER 

DAPHNE 

But that's your voice. 

FRASIER 

I know. 

MARTIN 

Then what did you think he was doing? 

FRASIER 

Having lunch. 

MARTIN 

And the groaning? 

FRASIER 

I just thought he was really enjoying his nuts. 

NILES 

Well if he's not Candy sure is. 

FRASIER 

I can't believe that you would do this to me Bebe. It's being aired tomorrow. Everyone I know is going to be watching. I even got Tooty the story book lady and Miss. Judy from the arts and crafts to promote it on their shows. Not to mention all the publicity I gave it on my show. 

BEBE 

I'm sorry. But after all the character isn't called Chesty the chaste and cheerful chipmunk. You shouldn't be so presumptuous. 

FRASIER 

Granted but I didn't expect him to be rolling around on the floor with the other characters. Do you have any idea what this is going to do for my reputation? 

DAPHNE 

It'll be in fitting with your reputation after you had sex on the air with Kate. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou Daphne. What were you thinking? 

BEBE 

About my beach house on Maui mostly. 

MARTIN 

Hey, who's this. 

FRASIER 

Chip the chipmunk. It just gets worse from here. 

DAPHNE 

I'll say. He shouldn't be doing that to Chesty. 

MARTIN 

At least it gives Candy a time-out. 

FRASIER 

This is turning into a full-blown orgy. That's it. I know I've said this before, but this time it really is it. Bebe, you're fired. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND GESTURES FOR BEBE TO LEAVE 

BEBE 

You say that now but you'll be back. Do you have any idea the kind of audience that this is going to get? 

MARTIN 

Wow, look at that. 

DAPHNE 

I didn't need to see that. 

NILES 

They've finished. 

MARTIN 

Wait no, here they go again. 

DAPHNE 

Randy little bleeder. 

NILES 

I am not!… surprised that this has happened. 

BEBE 

Keep your big nose out of this. Listen Frasier, you reach one kind of audience and now it's time to reach out and touch a whole different kind of audience. 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't touch anyone who watches this with a ten-foot pole. This is probably the cheapest pornographic thrill in the world. 

BEBE 

But if they get kicks from this, just think of the psychological problems they must have, that's why I've got them to advertise your radio show at the end of the episode. Tomorrow the phone lines will be jammed. 

FRASIER 

You did what? 

BEBE 

That way you get more callers. 

ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

Hi guys. Sorry I'm late. 

BEBE 

You haven't missed much. The best bits coming later. 

FRASIER 

Get out. 

ROZ 

But I just got here. I've said I was sorry. 

FRASIER 

I was talking to Bebe. 

BEBE 

Fine I'll leave but you'll be back. Like a moth to an open flame. 

EXIT BEBE

ROZ 

What is this? 

MARTIN 

Frasier's cartoon. 

ROZ 

No way! 

DAPHNE 

He's certainly a lot more flexible than you are Dr. Crane. 

ROZ 

And from what I've seen, scores more often than you as well. Look at his tail go. 

FRASIER 

I've had enough of this. 

HE RIPS THE TAPE OUT OF THE VCR 

MARTIN 

Oh Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

I was just getting into that. 

FRASIER 

Why did I ever listen to that woman? I'm going to be a laughing stock. 

NILES 

What's that smell? 

FRASIER 

What smell? 

NILES 

That smell. Like animals. 

FRASIER 

The cartoon wasn't smell-a-vision if that's what you're implying. 

DAPHNE 

No it's coming from… 

NILES 

Roz. 

ROZ 

It's not. 

FRASIER 

You've been to the zoo again, haven't you? 

ROZ 

No! 

FRASIER 

Roz. 

ROZ 

Oh all right. 

NILES 

What were you doing at the zoo? 

FRASIER 

Having sex in the monkey enclosure. 

NILES 

Note the complete lack of gasps from this side of the room. 

ROZ 

It was the last time I promise. There is no chance of it happening again. 

DAPHNE 

Why? Did you get caught? 

MARTIN 

I don't need to here this. 

MARTIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

No. We had a little accident. 

NILES 

You didn't get him mixed up with a monkey did you? Dad arrested someone for that once. 

ROZ 

No. I kind of accidentally made him sit on something. 

FRASIER 

Please don't tell me you're in my apartment with your rear end covered in monkey waste. 

ROZ 

No. He accidentally sat on the pitchfork he uses to shovel the straw in the pen. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear. 

ROZ 

I had to drive him to the emergency room. He looked as if he had permanent Morse code tattooed on his ass. Needless to say the romance had gone and the relationship was over from that point. 

NILES 

In the monkey house? That's a new low point even for you. 

ENTER MARTIN WITH A BEER 

DAPHNE 

Where did you get that? 

MARTIN 

On top of the refrigerator. 

DAPHNE 

How? 

MARTIN 

I hooked it off with my cane. I knew I had this thing for some reason. 

FRASIER 

Oh course, using it to maintain your balance and help you move around would be too obvious. 

MARTIN 

Not as obvious as it would be, that a person making those kind of noises was really enjoying their food. 

FRASIER 

I don't think this day could get much worse. 

DAPHNE 

Hey Dr. Crane you're on the news. 

FRASIER 

Turn it up Dad. 

ANCHORMAN 

On tonight's news. The loveable Seattle shrink Dr. Frasier Crane and his secret underworld pornographic activities. Also the couple who had sex in the monkey house at the Mercer Island Zoo. Zoo management are looking for names after couple are caught on camera. 

ROZ 

Oh my God. Look at the size of my ass. 

NILES 

I'd be more concerned with the tourists watching you and eating popcorn. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER 

Hello. No I don't care to comment. 

MARTIN 

I hate to say this to you Frasier but, I told you so. 

FRASIER 

All right Dad. 

ROZ 

Could you tell who I was from that? 

DAPHNE 

Not from that angle. 

NILES 

Although about a thousand men might in the Seattle area might. 

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN 

Don't answer it Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Who is it? 

BEBE 

(THROUGH THE DOOR) Just someone who might be able to defuse this situation. 

MARTIN 

I can defuse this situation. You keep her talking, I'll go and get my gun. 

AS MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 


	6. Episode Six

_I don't own any of these characters. _

_For Elaine because she asked so nicely. _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Six   
Terrace Tantrums 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne) 

FRASIER IS KNEELING BY THE TERRACE DOORS CHANGING THE DOOR HANDLES AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

Frasier? 

FRASIER 

Yes Dad. 

MARTIN 

You're using tools. 

FRASIER 

You're wearing pants. And the reason we're talking like this is? 

MARTIN 

Well stop it. You're freaking me out. 

FRASIER 

I'm not going to ask you to stop wearing pants. You'd freak me out if you weren't wearing pants. Why can't I use tools? 

MARTIN 

That's a question I've been asking myself for years. You're working with your hands. Shouldn't you be off having a seaweed wrap or something? 

FRASIER 

I am not without domestic skills you know. I can handle a simple appliance such as a screwdriver. 

MARTIN 

Getting a screwdriver out of the draw and passing it to Daphne so that she can use it to defrost the freezer does not make you Bob Vila. 

FRASIER 

Who? 

MARTIN 

Never mind. It's a guy thing. 

FRASIER 

Just because I don't spend half my life lying under a car covered in grease and the other half grabbing hold of my crotch to cheer on a football team doesn't mean that my manhood should be in question. I'm as big a guy as the next man. 

MARTIN 

Unfortunately the next man is usually Niles. And that's nothing to be proud of. So what are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Replacing the handles on the terrace doors. 

MARTIN 

Because? 

FRASIER 

The glare that they were creating when the sun hit them was distracting the eye from the flow of the room. 

MARTIN 

Just for a minute I thought it might be for a stupid reason. That's just the trouble we had in Korea. We couldn't fight because we were too distracted by the glare on this one guy's dog tags. It kept ruining the flow of the unit. 

FRASIER 

Yes, that's very amusing. Look, you see. That's much better. 

FRASIER STANDS AND TURNS THE HANDLE TO OPEN THE DOOR. IT'S STUCK AND DOESN'T MOVE AN INCH 

MARTIN 

It kind of defeats the object, when they don't open. 

FRASIER 

It's just because it's new. It just needs time. 

MARTIN 

Enough time to get someone over here to repair it. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN WITH A GLASS 

DAPHNE 

Here you go. One ice tea as requested. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou so much Daphne. This is thirsty work. 

DAPHNE 

Oh course it is. Look at the sweet you've worked up, it looks as if you just stepped out of the shower. 

FRASIER 

Well it is hard work. 

DAPHNE 

Of course it is, tightening tiny screws. They've started using that as a weight loss exercise at fat camps. 

AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'HE WON'T ADMIT, SHOWERING THAT OFTEN COULD BE CONSIDERED OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz) 

NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN SIT AT THE TABLE FACING THE WINDOW. NILES AND DAPHNE FACE THE WINDOW AND ARE BEING VERY AFFECTIONATE AS MARTIN LOOKS INCREASINGLY UNCOMFORTABLE 

DAPHNE 

So where are you taking me tonight? 

NILES 

To heaven and back. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

DAPHNE 

But you do that on an hourly basis. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

NILES 

Everything we say it's 'Oh jeez', I'm beginning to think that's all you can say. What is your problem? 

MARTIN 

It's not just my problem, it's everyone else here. That guy's having trouble keeping his biscotti down. I knew I shouldn't have come down here. 

DAPHNE 

Don't start complaining now. 

NILES 

If my memory serves me correct, I'd never seen you move so quickly as you back peddled out of Frasier's room at the wedding to give us some privacy. 

MARTIN 

I did not. 

DAPHNE 

Are you kidding? You nearly tripped over your cane. The only way we'd ever get you to move that fast again is if we dangled a can of beer on a piece of string off a stick in front of your head, just out of reach. You know like a donkey and a carrot. 

MARTIN 

I've had enough of this abuse. I'm going to get another cup of coffee. 

NILES 

You sit, I'll get it. 

NILES WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER 

MARTIN 

Hey Daph, while I think about it. 

DAPHNE 

Yes? 

MARTIN 

I was going to get someone, while Frasier's at work to fix those handles on the terrace doors. I want to get in someone I can trust. So I was wondering how you'd feel about me calling Joe. 

DAPHNE 

Fine go ahead. 

MARTIN 

Are you sure? It wouldn't bother you? 

DAPHNE 

Not at all. It's not like I'm single and desperate. 

MARTIN 

Yeah sorry, for a moment there I thought you were Frasier. So really, it will be OK? You don't mind? 

DAPHNE 

Absolutely. It will also give me the chance to show off how much better I am without him. 

MARTIN 

Going to rub his nose in it? 

DAPHNE 

Every chance I get. I would prefer it though if someone didn't find out about this. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. 

MARTIN 

I was going to say the same thing. 

ENTER FRASIER FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS NEXT TO MARTIN AS NILES RETURNS FROM THE COUNTER AND SITS BACK DOWN 

FRASIER 

The same thing about what? 

MARTIN 

Nothing. What have you been doing in that bathroom? You've been gone ten minutes. 

NILES 

Make sure we really want to know the answer to that question before you speak. 

FRASIER 

I couldn't do up my zipper. 

NILES 

Has it gone rusty from lack of use? 

MARTIN 

Have you done it now? Do you want me go in there with you and give you a hand? 

FRASIER 

I've done it now thankyou Dad. At any rate do you have any idea what people would think if they saw you in the bathroom vigorously shaking my fly? 

DAPHNE 

That times are tough and you need to earn a little extra cash. 

NILES 

You'd earn more if you went down to the docks. 

MARTIN 

How would you know that? 

NILES 

I'm a therapist. You have no idea some of the things people tell me on that couch. I constantly want to take a shower after each session. 

ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

Oh my God. Quick get out of my way. Let me at the window. 

SHE LEANS ACROSS FRASIER TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW 

NILES 

What are you doing? 

ROZ 

That guy there waiting for a cab, just asked me out. 

FRASIER 

Roz? 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

It's not my birthday. 

ROZ 

I know. 

FRASIER 

Then would you mind getting your cleavage out of my face? 

SHE GETS OFF HIS LAP BUT STILL STARES OUT THE WINDOW 

ROZ 

Sorry. Isn't he just absolutely gorgeous? 

DAPHNE 

I can't see his face but he looks pretty fit. From this angle I wouldn't kick him out of my cave. 

NILES 

Hay! I'm sitting right here. 

DAPHNE 

Oh button your lip. While you still have a wife, I'm allowed to eye up Roz's dates. When you're divorced we'll discuss the matter again. 

NILES 

He's only after one thing if he asked Roz out which is… 

ROZ 

You're only after one thing if you finish that sentence. An ambulance. 

DAPHNE 

Look he's turning round. 

FRASIER 

Roz. 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

That's a woman. 

ROZ 

It is not. 

MARTIN 

No, he's right. That's a woman. 

ROZ 

Jules is not a woman. 

FRASIER 

Jules? 

MARTIN 

Well he sure looks like one. 

ROZ 

But he's wearing a suit. 

NILES 

Then it's a woman wearing a suit. No man's tailor would leave the nap like that. 

DAPHNE 

They're right Roz. 

ROZ 

It's a man! 

DAPHNE 

Then it's the most feminine man I've ever seen. 

ROZ 

Even more feminine than Niles? 

NILES 

At least I didn't hit on a woman. 

ROZ 

Oh I wasn't aware that you'd switched sides Niles. 

NILES 

I meant at least I didn't hit on a man. 

MARTIN 

I thought the jury was still out on what sex Maris is. 

NILES 

Enough about me, Roz is dating a woman. 

ROZ 

How many more times? Jules is not a woman. 

FRASIER 

How can you not see it? Do you not have your contact lenses in? 

ROZ 

Only my left one. My right one fell out and went down my shirt. I had my hand down there trying to fish it out when I met Jules. 

FRASIER 

He didn't offer his assistance did he? 

ROZ 

No! He just wanted to see if I was OK. 

NILES 

Oh I don't know Roz. Standing on the street corner with your hand down your shirt. He probably thinks you're a prostitute. 

ROZ 

Don't make me hurt you little man. 

AS THEY CONTINUE STARING OUT THE WINDOW WE: 

FADE OUT: 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3   
(Daphne, Martin, Niles, Joe) 

MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM DRESSED EXQUISITELY AS IF GOING TO DINNER 

DAPHNE 

Is he here yet? 

MARTIN 

Any time now. 

DAPHNE 

How do I look? 

MARTIN 

You look great Daph. Are you sure you should be going to all this trouble though? Isn't it going to give him the wrong idea? 

DAPHNE 

It's not going to give him any ideas. I simply want to look stunning and rub it in his face that instead of handymen I'm now in love with a doctor. Is there any harm in that? 

MARTIN 

Only if Niles catches you. You know how jealous he can get. He looks as if he's eaten bad shrimp if Donny's name is even mentioned. 

DAPHNE 

He won't find out. Anyway Joe will only be here an hour at most. How hard can it be to put on some door handles? 

MARTIN 

That's just what I thought. Although Frasier stands more chance of giving birth to a duck than being successful at DIY. 

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

I'll get it. Remember to call me Martin, no wait Dad that's much better. 

MARTIN OPENS THE DOOR AS DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AND JOE ENTERS

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Hay Joe, come on in. 

JOE 

Mr. Crane. 

MARTIN 

Now I don't want to rush you, but I'd really appreciate it if you could get this done before Frasier comes home. 

JOE 

It'll take an hour tops. 

MARTIN 

Great. 

ENTER DAPHNE WHO FROM THIS MOMENT PUTS ON AN ACT THAT IS LIKE ELIZA DOOLITTLE AT THE BALL IN MY FAIR LADY 

DAPHNE 

Who was at the door Dad? Oh hello Joe. 

JOE 

Hi Daphne. Wow you look great. 

DAPHNE 

I know. 

MARTIN 

So the handles. 

JOE 

I'll get right on it. 

THE NEXT PORTION OF THE CONVERSATION HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN REHEARSED 

MARTIN 

So Daphne where are you going tonight? 

DAPHNE 

Just off out with Niles again. Probably to some extremely expensive restaurant. He does spoil me so. 

NILES 

Niles, my son, Niles? 

DAPHNE 

That's right. I've lost count of how many dates we've been on. We're like a pair of smitten kittens. 

JOE 

Daphne, you're dating Dr. Crane? 

DAPHNE 

That's right. 

MARTIN 

So have you ever been happier in a relationship in your life? 

DAPHNE 

No, I've never been this much in love. I'm head over heels in love with him. 

JOE 

I don't know if you heard but my wife and I have split up. 

DAPHNE 

Oh have you? It's funny isn't it how you can see someone everyday and then realise that you're completely in love with them. 

SFX: JOE'S MOBILE PHONE

JOE 

Excuse me. Hello? 

DAPHNE 

Come on old man, stick to the programme. 

MARTIN 

What do you want me to say? 

DAPHNE 

You haven't mentioned my yacht or my beach house on Maui. 

MARTIN 

You don't have a yacht or a beach house. 

DAPHNE 

I know, but I don't want him to know that. I'm not a part time model either but it doesn't harm him to think it. 

MARTIN 

Have you still got a Ph.D.? 

DAPHNE 

Of course. Now get on with it, if he's not so upset he's nearly sick when he leaves you're not getting that six pack of Ballentine. 

JOE 

OK I'll be right over. I'm sorry Mr. Crane, I've got to run, there's an emergency. One of my guys has plastered one of the school children in the wall in the museum. I've got to go help get him out. 

MARTIN 

That's fine. I'll give you a call tomorrow. 

DAPHNE 

Here let me show you out. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS

NILES 

Hello Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God Niles! 

NILES 

What's the matter? You look as if you've seen a ghost. 

JOE 

Oh hi Dr. Crane. 

NILES 

Joe! What a surprise to see you here. 

JOE 

I'd love to chat but I've got to run. Bye. 

EXIT JOE

NILES 

I bet you do. Run before I beat you into a pulp. 

MARTIN 

Now Niles. 

NILES 

Don't now Niles me. Why do you think I take kick boxing every week? I've got to use it sometime. I may be small but I'm deadly. What was he doing here? 

DAPHNE 

He was going to fix the balcony door handles that your brother tried to put on yesterday. 

NILES 

And out of all the contractors in the city you called your ex-boyfriend? 

MARTIN 

Daphne didn't call him, I did. 

NILES 

You did? 

DAPHNE 

I don't know what you're getting so worked up for. 

NILES 

I'm getting worked up because the woman I love has got dressed up to the nines to see her ex-boyfriend. 

MARTIN 

He came here to work, not hit on Daphne. I didn't even tell Daphne he was coming. 

DAPHNE 

You didn't? 

MARTIN 

I didn't. 

DAPHNE 

Oh that's right he didn't. 

NILES 

Oh please! All I'm asking is for you to be honest with me. 

DAPHNE 

Niles calm down. It was a quick in and out job, that's all. 

NILES 

That's just what I was afraid of. 

MARTIN 

Come on Niles, it was perfectly innocent. 

NILES 

You know Maris and Schenkman said exactly the same thing. 

DAPHNE 

This is totally different. 

NILES 

I know it's totally different. With Maris all I had to cope with was the pain of the deceit and the betrayal. Because I never loved Maris the way I love you. 

DAPHNE 

Nothing happened honey. I promise. I love you. 

NILES 

Save it for someone who cares. 

EXIT NILES SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God Mr. Crane. 

MARTIN 

Daphne come here. 

MARTIN GETS UP TO HUG DAPHNE AS SHE BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS 

DAPHNE 

What have I done? 

MARTIN 

You haven't done anything. Pretty soon Niles will calm down, realise that and head back over here. 

DAPHNE 

What if he doesn't? 

MARTIN 

You don't have to worry about that. 

AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO COMFORT DAPHNE WE: 

FADE OUT: 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'GETTING A HANDLE ON THINGS' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne) 

MARTIN SITS DRINKING A BEER, WHILE DAPHNE IS STANDING OUT ON THE TERRACE AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

Hi Dad. Oh you got you terrace door open. 

MARTIN 

One of them. The other ones still stuck fast. 

FRASIER 

I'll just have to get my handy tool kit out again then. I was thinking I might tackle trying to fix the vibrating part to your chair later. 

MARTIN 

I have no desire to be blown up thankyou very much. And there will be no more tools. I've hidden them. 

FRASIER 

You've what? 

MARTIN 

From now on you're not to work with your hands. It'll be better for all of us. And safer. I've been having nightmares that you decide to tackle something electrical. You burnt an imprint of yourself on the wall. 

FRASIER 

What's Daphne doing out there? 

MARTIN 

Yeah, I need to talk to you about that. Have you seen Niles this afternoon? 

FRASIER 

No. He told me he was going to surprise Daphne and take her out this afternoon. 

MARTIN 

You could have told me. 

FRASIER 

Why what business is it of yours? 

MARTIN 

I'm going to level with you here. Joe was here this afternoon. 

FRASIER 

Joe? As in Daphne and Joe? 

MARTIN 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

What was he doing here? 

MARTIN 

I phoned him to come and fix the handles. 

FRASIER 

You did what? 

MARTIN 

Oh Frasier this is not about you. 

FRASIER 

I am hurt at the deceit and the betrayal. 

MARTIN 

That's funny, that's just what Niles said before he stormed out after seeing Joe here. 

FRASIER 

He didn't? 

MARTIN 

He went off the handle, yelling at Daphne. Said he didn't care about her and stormed out. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear God. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE TERRACE FOLLOWED BY MARTIN

RESET TO: 

INT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE IS STANDING LOOKING OUT OVER THE CITY AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER. FRASIER IMMEDIATELY HUGS DAPHNE 

FRASIER(CONT'D) 

Oh Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Dr. Crane. Have you seen him? 

FRASIER 

No Daphne I haven't. But don't worry, he'll realise he's made a mistake and come back here to apologise. 

MARTIN 

That's just what I've been telling her. 

MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM 

DAPHNE 

I just can't believe he blew up like that. 

FRASIER 

Well you've got to understand this from Niles' standpoint. Maris shattered his sense of trust. I know this is a completely different situation but that experience has knocked him for six. Would it make you feel any better if I went to look for him? 

DAPHNE 

Would you? 

FRASIER 

Of course. 

MARTIN 

And let's get you in out of the cold. I'll make you a nice warm drink. 

DAPHNE 

Thankyou Mr. Crane. 

MARTIN GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT IT WON'T MOVE 

MARTIN 

Uh-oh. 

FRASIER 

Uh-oh what? 

MARTIN 

This doors stuck again. 

DAPHNE 

What about the other one? 

MARTIN 

I couldn't get that one to move at all earlier. 

FRASIER 

Here let me try. 

MARTIN 

Oh yes I'd forgotten you'd turned into the world's strongest man from a powder puff. You strain your back chopping carrots. 

FRASIER 

That's very amusing. Now let me have a look. I think I've got it… 

FRASIER PULLS WITH ALL HIS STRENGTH BUT THE DOOR STILL DOES NOT MOVE. SUDDENLY FRASIER GOES SPINNING BACKWARDS AND ONLY JUST STOPS HIMSELF FROM FALLING OVER THE RAIL WITH THE DOOR HANDLE IN HIS HAND AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz) 

FRASIER, MARTIN AND DAPHNE ARE IN THE SAME POSITIONS AS BEFORE WITH FRASIER STILL CLUTCHING THE DOOR HANDLE IN HIS HAND 

DAPHNE 

That's bloody marvellous. 

MARTIN 

Way to go Frasier. 

FRASIER 

This is not my fault. 

MARTIN 

You're the one who installed the handles, you're the one who's pulled the handle off. 

FRASIER 

Who shut the door? 

MARTIN 

That would be me. 

DAPHNE 

Wonderful! My relationship is on the verge of being over and I'm stuck out here with Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber. 

FRASIER 

Who? 

MARTIN 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Never mind. 

MARTIN TAKES THE HANDLE OFF FRASIER 

MARTIN 

Here let me have a look. Let's see if I can fix it. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes, I forgot you had that ability to fuse metal. You've really missed your calling you should be a comic book superhero. 

MARTIN 

Alright smart Alec, break the window. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

MARTIN 

You heard me. Break the window. 

FRASIER 

I most certainly will not. 

DAPHNE 

Here let me do it. I wouldn't want you to break a nail. 

MARTIN 

Use my cane. 

FRASIER 

No one is breaking any windows. 

DAPHNE 

Phone for help then. 

MARTIN 

But the phone's inside. 

FRASIER 

Ooh I've got my mobile. 

REACHES INTO JACKET POCKET 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ooh I haven't got my mobile. 

MARTIN 

Call the doorman. 

FRASIER 

Did you not hear? We haven't got a phone. 

DAPHNE 

You've got a pair of lungs haven't you? Bleedin' shout down. 

FRASIER 

It's nineteen floors. 

MARTIN 

So. 

FRASIER 

When you can hear me when I'm at the radio station, it's because it's coming via the radio. You understand I'm not actually shouting from there. My voice does not actually carry that far. 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTING) Ian! Hay Ian. 

DAPHNE 

I bet you'd get his attention if you spat off here. 

FRASIER 

No one is spitting. 

DAPHNE 

Can't break windows, can't spit. I'd never have taken this job if I'd realised there were so many rules of the house. You'll be telling me I can't use your Jacuzzi to bath Eddie next. 

MARTIN 

I really need to use the can. 

FRASIER 

This is just perfect. 

MARTIN 

Hey I'm the one who needs to pee not you. 

DAPHNE 

You can't go over the side. Although that will definitely get Ian's attention. On second thoughts everyone's got their umbrella's up, they won't notice. 

FRASIER 

He can't go anywhere. 

DAPHNE 

How about the plant pot? 

FRASIER 

You are not urinating up my ficus tree. I apply that rule to Eddie, I apply it to you as well. 

MARTIN 

Frasier do your fly up. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! How long as it been like that? 

FRASIER TRIES TO DO UP HIS ZIP BUT IN WON'T MOVE 

MARTIN 

It was like it when you came home. 

FRASIER 

Now I know why those girls where smiling at me when I came out of the radio station. 

MARTIN 

As long as they were laughing because it was open and not for any other reason, I shouldn't worry. I don't think it would do much for your reputation if you were arrested for flashing. 

FRASIER 

It's stuck again. It's the last time I buy trousers without trying them on first. 

MARTIN 

Here let me try. 

FRASIER 

There is no way you are getting anywhere near my fly. 

DAPHNE 

Let me have go. Do you have any objections? 

FRASIER 

With the current draft blowing I don't see how I could have any. 

DAPHNE GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES IN FRONT OF FRASIER AND STARTS TO TRY TO FIX HIS ZIP. THE POSE THEY TAKE COULD EASILY BE MISUNDERSTOOD IF SOMEONE WHERE TO STUMBLE UPON THE SCENE 

MARTIN 

You've got to giggle it. 

DAPHNE 

I think I know how to do up a zip. 

MARTIN 

It's just a shame Frasier doesn't. 

FRASIER 

I just hope Niles doesn't come back now. 

DAPHNE 

That would truly cap the day off. 

ENTER ROZ THROUGH THE DOOR MISSING ONE HALF OF IT'S HANDLE 

ROZ 

Wow Daphne I hope he's given you a big raise for that. In more ways than one. 

DAPHNE VIOLENTLY DOES UP FRASIER ZIP IN ONE QUICK MOVEMENT 

DAPHNE 

There got it. 

FRASIER 

Ouch! Do you have to be so violent? 

DAPHNE 

Just be thankful I didn't castrate you. 

FRASIER 

You very nearly did. 

ROZ 

Hay guys. What are you all doing out here? 

FRASIER 

Oh Roz. Long story. God it's good to see you. 

ROZ CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER 

MARTIN 

Don't close the door. 

DAPHNE 

Oh bloody hell. 

FRASIER 

What did you do that for? 

ROZ 

Do what? 

FRASIER 

Close the door? 

ROZ 

It was closed when I got here. You normally pitch a fit if I don't leave things as I found them around here. 

FRASIER 

We can't open the door from this side. 

ROZ 

How was I supposed to know? There wasn't a plane writing it in big letters in the sky, and my telepathic ability borders on the pathetic. We're stuck out here? 

MARTIN 

Yes, that door's stuck and the handle came off that one. 

ROZ 

You've been trying to do some home repairs again haven't you? 

FRASIER 

Well forgive me for trying to improve our living environment. 

DAPHNE 

Oh you've improved it no end. Instead of a nice warm house and a comfy bed you've upgraded us to a freezing cold balcony. I'm surprised you haven't confiscated our clothes and made us wear leaves. 

FRASIER 

Don't heap all of the blame on to me. 

DAPHNE 

I suppose this is my fault? 

FRASIER 

You were the first one out here. 

DAPHNE 

I wouldn't have been out here, if you hadn't changed the handles, then he wouldn't have called Joe, Niles wouldn't have seen him and left, I wouldn't have been out here, he wouldn't have shut the door and we wouldn't be having this conversation. 

FRASIER 

Fine point the finger at me. 

DAPHNE 

That's exactly what I'm doing. I'd have been sitting in front of a fire with Niles now if you weren't so bloody nick picky. 

FRASIER 

The glare was distracting the eye from the flow of the room. 

MARTIN 

Don't say that too loud Frasier. I know people in this city. 

FRASIER 

And they wouldn't have been glaring that much if you hadn't changed polish brands like I asked you not to. 

DAPHNE 

I've got just one word to say to you. 

FRASIER 

Which is? 

DAPHNE 

Arse! 

AS FRASIER AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO ARGUE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'I'LL HAVE A LEG OF FRASIER, A PORTION OF ROZ, A MARTIN ON THE SIDE AND A GLASS OF DAPHNE' 

FADE IN: 

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Roz, Niles, Eddie) 

MARTIN IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS WITH HIS LEG RESTING ON THE OTHER. DAPHNE SITS ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HIM FACING FRASIER AND ROZ

MARTIN 

You know they're right. There is not a single word that rhymes with orange. 

FRASIER 

Dad, you've been listing words for the last half an hour. If you say one more thing I may have to kill you. I'm not exaggerating. I will get us rescued by throwing you over the side if I have to. 

MARTIN 

At least I'm trying to entertain the group. 

FRASIER 

The only thing that could possibly entertain me at this point is someone can turn into Spiderman and climb down the side of the building. 

ROZ 

I've got something that might entertain the group. 

FRASIER 

Which is? 

ROZ 

You remember Jules? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

ROZ 

He's not a woman. 

FRASIER 

Are you lying? 

ROZ 

Yes. 

MARTIN 

We told you. 

ROZ 

I just don't know how I didn't see it. 

DAPHNE 

She was carrying a purse. 

ROZ 

With one contact in, it looked like a brief case OK. 

FRASIER 

It was embroidered with sequins. 

DAPHNE 

I take it you ended it when you saw her at dinner? 

ROZ 

Actually we were just about to order desert when I realised. 

FRASIER 

How is that possible? 

ROZ 

The restaurant was dark, I couldn't tell. 

FRASIER 

Dark? Are you sure they didn't poke your eyes out with a sharp stick before you went in there? 

ROZ 

Even then it was something that she said that tipped me off. 

DAPHNE 

Why what did she say? 

MARTIN 

I'm a woman, want to share my lip-gloss? 

ROZ 

No. She told me about going to visit the gynecologists tomorrow. It's not funny Frasier. At least I can attract a woman, that's more than I can say for you. 

MARTIN 

Ssshh. I think I hear upstairs coming home. 

DAPHNE 

Oh for God's sake you silly sod, it's a dumper truck. You've got to get your ears checked. 

ROZ 

What time is it? How long are these people going to stay out? 

FRASIER 

They can't be much longer. 

ROZ 

If it makes you feel better to think that, think that. 

MARTIN 

They're probably gone away for the weekend. 

DAPHNE 

By the time they get back there will just be four decaying bodies spread out here lying in a pool of excrement with the birds pecking away at our eyeballs. 

FRASIER 

And suddenly I'm no longer hungry. 

MARTIN 

It won't come to that Daph. 

DAPHNE 

Too right it won't. We'll have eaten you by then. 

MARTIN 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Think about it from a neutral point of view. You're the oldest, you've had more of a life than the rest of us. It's only fair that we eat you first. Besides you've got more meat on you than the rest of us. You'd keep us going for at least a week. 

MARTIN 

If anyone's got more meat on them it's Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

I'm not sure I'd want to eat him though. 

ROZ 

I'm not sure I'd want to eat anyone. Wouldn't we be able to catch a bird? 

DAPHNE 

Possibly but that wouldn't keep us going very long, and I don't think chickens can get up this high. No, the only answer is to eat one of us. 

FRASIER 

And what is the question? What is the most ridiculously, farfetched thing that we can think of before we die of boredom? 

MARTIN 

Get away from me. Don't look at me like that. 

FRASIER 

Look at you like what? 

MARTIN 

Like Eddie does when he hears a candy wrapper rattle. 

DAPHNE 

You're just being mean. 

MARTIN 

If we have to sleep out here just remember I'll hit you with my cane first if I feel teeth anywhere near me and ask questions later. 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTING) Help! Someone help me. 

ROZ 

We've already tried that. With the traffic no one can hear us. 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTING) I need an intelligent conversation quickly! Before I go insane. If I can't have that, can I at least have a gun? 

DAPHNE 

What's Eddie running around like that for? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EDDIE STARTS TO RUN ABOUT THE APARTMENT, GOING FROM ONE ROOM TO THE NEXT. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN 

He probably wants to know where we are. 

DAPHNE 

What's that he's got in his mouth? 

FRASIER 

Oh my God no! It's his lead. 

MARTIN 

That's two of us who needs to pee. 

FRASIER 

What do we do? 

MARTIN 

There's nothing we can do. Upstairs haven't come home yet and you won't let us break the glass. 

FRASIER 

To start with you wouldn't be able to break this glass. It's double glazing. A procession of bloated, overweight elephants would find it hard to even crack it. 

ROZ 

I don't think he can hold it much longer. 

FRASIER 

Of course he can. Dad's got bigger kidneys than that. 

ROZ 

I was talking about Eddie. 

DAPHNE 

He's looking for somewhere to go. You can tell by the way he's sniffing. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God, not there. I've just had that floor polished. 

MARTIN 

Would you rather he did it on the carpet? 

FRASIER 

Carry on young Edward. 

ROZ 

Do you think I need a face-lift? 

FRASIER 

No. 

ROZ 

Thanks for the deep careful consideration. 

DAPHNE 

Well I guess we were wrong about that. 

MARTIN 

He didn't need to pee after all. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes, how delightful. Eddie hasn't left Daphne a puddle to clean up, instead it's more of a rock formation. 

DAPHNE 

It's days like this I remember why I took this job. 

MARTIN 

Has anyone ever been hang gliding? 

FRASIER 

No 

DAPHNE 

No 

ROZ 

No 

MARTIN 

Well that's exhausted that topic of conversation. 

DAPHNE 

I wonder where Niles is. 

ROZ 

Don't worry about it Daph. It's not as if he's with Mel to get revenge because he thinks you've been seeing someone else. 

DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY BREAKS DOWN AS MARTIN COMFORTS HER 

FRASIER 

Well done Roz. 

ROZ 

What did I say? 

FRASIER 

Niles went off the handle, no pun intended, because he saw Joe here. 

ROZ 

I'm so sorry. Don't look at me like that. No one told me. 

DAPHNE 

He's probably never going to speak to me again. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER NILES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HE BURSTS THROUGH AND HAS GREAT DIFFICULTY WALKING AS HE HANGS ON TO THE CONSOLE 

NILES 

Daphne 

DAPHNE 

Niles! 

NILES 

Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

You've come back. 

NILES 

Daphne where are you? I can hear you but I can't see you. 

DAPHNE 

Turn on the terrace light. 

NILES TURNS ON THE LIGHT BUT HAS HIS BACK TO THE WINDOW SO HE STILL DOES NOT SEE WHERE SHE IS 

NILES 

I still can't see you. 

DAPHNE 

You've got to turn around and face the terrace. 

NILES TURNS AROUND AND JUMPS WITH SURPRISE 

NILES 

Oh look there you are. 

DAPHNE 

Niles I'm so sorry. Honestly he didn't come here to see me, he came here to work. Admittedly I did get dressed up, but only because I wanted to let him know what he's missed out on. I did nothing to talk about how much I love you. You've got to believe me. 

NILES 

I do believe you Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

You do? 

NILES 

Yes. 

HE GOES TO KISS HER BUT OF COURSE THE GLASS IS IN THE WAY SO HE KISSES THAT INSTEAD 

NILES (CONT'D) 

My God you're lips have gone hard. 

DAPHNE 

That's so… wait a minute. Why are you eyes all glazed over? 

NILES 

Are they? I can't see from here. I can only see out of them, I can't see in to them. 

FRASIER 

He's plastered. 

MARTIN 

Niles have you been to a bar? 

NILES 

Dad I didn't see you there. Hello. Oh look and Frasier and Roz. It's a little party. I'm going to get a drink. 

DAPHNE 

Niles have you had a drink? 

NILES 

No 

DAPHNE 

Now honey don't lie. 

NILES 

I'm not I haven't had one drink. 

ROZ 

How many have you had? 

NILES 

Seven. 

FRASIER 

Seven? 

NILES 

Teen. 

DAPHNE 

Seventeen? 

NILES 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Let's talk more about this in a moment. Niles can you open the door. 

NILES 

You know I can you've seen me do it lots of times Frasier. 

FRASIER 

No, can you do it now. 

NILES 

Suddenly I'm not feeling too well. 

NILES COLLAPSES ON THE EAMES 

DAPHNE 

I'll take care of you in a minute but before I do that I need you to open the door. 

NILES 

You know what's funny? 

DAPHNE 

What? 

NILES 

They call them Bermuda shorts and yet you never see anyone from Bermuda wearing them. 

FRASIER 

That's wonderful Niles. Very well spotted and we'd love to talk more about it but can you open the door first. 

NILES 

This is a new sculpture. Little brown rocks. You know I've always considered starting a ceramic doll collection. 

MARTIN 

Niles. 

NILES 

You're wrong Dad, dolls are not just for girls. Some of them are pretty and I can comb their hair when I'm board. 

MARTIN 

You're right son and you know what? 

NILES 

What? 

MARTIN 

I'll buy your first one if you come over here and open the door so that I can pee. 

NILES 

I think I need to sit down. 

DAPHNE 

You are sitting down honey. 

ROZ 

Niles! Get your scrawny little ass over here and open the God damn door. 

NILES GOES TO GET UP BUT PASSES OUT BEFORE HE CAN AND FLOPS FORWARD WITH HIS FACE PRESSED AGAINST THE WINDOW 

RESET TO: 

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

That's just perfect. As if to make matters worse I now have my brothers face smeared on my window. 

ROZ 

Daphne honestly, how do you find that attractive? 

MARTIN 

Uh-oh Eddie's running again. Lick his face boy, wake him up. 

DAPHNE 

I don't like the way he's sniffing him. 

FRASIER 

Well quick, wake him up. 

DAPHNE 

Niles honey, wake up. Niles! Niles! 

ROZ 

Niles wake up! 

DAPHNE 

Oh no. 

ROZ 

That's very nice. 

FRASIER 

I see Eddie still doesn't know the difference between lick and urinate. 

AS THEY RESIGN THEMSELVES TO HAVING TO STOP OUTSIDE A BIT LONGER WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: AS MARTIN CALLS TO SOMEONE IN THE APARTMENT ABOVE, A MAN ENTERS FRASIER'S APARTMENT AND OPENS THE TERRACE DOOR. DAPHNE RUSHES TO NILES, ROZ KISSES THE MAN, AS MARTIN RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM AND FRASIER BEGINS TO CRY ABOUT THE MOUND THAT EDDIE HAS LEFT ON THE FLOOR. 


	7. Episode Seven

_I don't own any of these characters. They are the sole right of Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. _

_Enjoy… _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Seven   
Trading Places 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'TRADING PLACES' 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz) 

FRASIER AND ROZ ARE ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION AS FRASIER FINISHES THE SHOW 

FRASIER 

And as I bring today's show to a close, I want to remind all my listeners that this is the last time I will be on air before Christmas. As many of you know, next week is job change week at KACL, and taking the reins of the Dr. Frasier Crane show will be my producer Roz Doyle and I in return will be sitting in the producers chair. But I feel that Roz is more than capable to fill my shoes. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all a good day and good mental health. 

ROZ ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER GOES OFF AIR 

ROZ 

Thanks Frasier that's so nice of you to think that I can handle your show like that. 

FRASIER 

OK this is how it is going to play out. I'll write down what it is that you should say and press it up against the glass. Then all you have to do is read it. 

ROZ 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

What? 

ROZ 

After what you just said on the air, you still don't trust me? 

FRASIER 

It's not a matter of trust. It's just what you know about psychology and helping people with their problems you could write on the back of a postage stamp. 

ROZ 

Thanks for the shot of confidence. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Roz but you have to admit that a schizophrenic monkey would be able to give a more professional opinion in this area then you are. 

ROZ 

Thankyou so much. But how do you think I feel having to leave you in charge over there. Hell, you can barely use the cough button without blowing yourself up. I wouldn't worry about what I'm going to say to the callers, because you've got to pass them through to me first. 

FRASIER 

Just what are you implying? 

ROZ 

What you know about producing you could write on a back of a postage stamp and still have enough room to type the Magna Carta. 

FRASIER 

All I'm saying is, if you can't handle a caller, tell them to call back next week. 

ROZ 

By which time Freud the Second Coming will be back to dole out advice from the depths of his brilliance. I'm sorry that your wife's left you Greg, but I can't handle this call, I'm only capable of giving advice to people who have lost their credit cards and can't find the right shade of lip-gloss. 

FRASIER 

Exactly. 

ROZ 

Oh come on Frasier this is supposed to be fun. You remember what fun is don't you? Like when that hypnotist got you to sing and drop your pants every time someone said doctor. That was fun. 

FRASIER 

That was not funny. Especially when it didn't wear off and that Policeman stopped me for my autograph. Before I could sign anything I had to have my trousers around my ankles and sing the love duet from Tosca. It took me three hours down at that Police station to get them to believe me. By that time I'd pulled them up and down so many times I strained my back. 

ROZ 

You should just consider yourself lucky. Not a lot of people would have gotten away from that position scot-free. 

FRASIER 

They understood I wasn't really flashing. 

ROZ 

I meant being locked in a prison cell with a bunch of guys and repeatedly bending down to drop your trousers. Your lucky you didn't come out of that situation, the wife of a guy called Bruce. 

FRASIER 

That would never happen. To start with he'd be the wife and I'd be the husband. 

ROZ 

Get real Frasier. I could crush you with my thighs let alone what a guy with a tattoo on his head and no teeth could do. 

FRASIER 

Anyway I've brought you a few books to read over the weekend to get you through the basics. 

ROZ 

Oh good homework. Like I don't have enough to do, taking care of my child and defrosting my freezer. And to make matters worse my date cancelled on me tonight. 

FRASIER 

Good, then you can spend the extra time getting on top of things. 

ROZ 

You're joking? 

FRASIER 

Well as you were going to spend the evening getting on top of things anyway, what does it matter if it's Freud and not… 

ROZ 

A Fireman nicknamed the anaconda. 

FRASIER 

Please tell me your talking about the size of his hose. 

ROZ 

Oh I am. In more ways than one. 

FRASIER 

I think you'll find the chapter on penis envy particularly insightful. 

ROZ 

You should know. 

AS FRASIER GIVES ROZ A PILE OF BOOKS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'BETTER THE DOG THAN THE WINDOW' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1   
(Daphne, Martin, Niles, Frasier, Eddie) 

DAPHNE, MARTIN AND NILES STAND DECORATING THE TREE. IT IS OBVIOUS THAT MARTIN HAS GOT HIS WAY THIS YEAR WITH THE DECORATIONS. MARTIN HAS TINSEL ALL AROUND HIS CANE AND DAPHNE WEARS A SANTA HAT. 

DAPHNE 

It's going to be wonderful this year. Our first Christmas together. 

SHE KISSES NILES 

MARTIN 

It's not your first Christmas together. 

DAPHNE 

Together, together I mean. 

MARTIN 

Oh together, together. Why didn't you say so? 

DAPHNE 

I thought I did. 

NILES 

This conversation is making my head hurt. 

DAPHNE 

What's that you're putting on the tree? 

MARTIN 

Nothing, just an old decoration. 

NILES 

It's a man riding a bull. 

DAPHNE 

How festive. I'm shocked they don't use one of those in the Nativity scene. 

MARTIN 

It's just a little hint for Frasier. 

NILES 

To hint what? That you've lost your mind. 

MARTIN 

No. I've asked him to get me the Rodeo Bloopers tape for Christmas and he keeps saying no. 

DAPHNE 

I'm baffled as to why. 

MARTIN 

So I am strategically placing little bulls around the apartment to coax him into buying it for me. 

NILES 

Why don't you just buy it yourself? 

MARTIN 

I never thought of that. No, this way I get to open something nice on Christmas morning, something that I really want. 

NILES 

How about a C.A.T. scan. 

MARTIN 

So are you going to be come around here first thing Christmas morning Niles? 

NILES 

(SUGGESTIVELY) Yes, or alternatively I could just stay the night. 

DAPHNE 

That's a wonderful idea. It'll make the perfect Christmas. 

DAPHNE KISSES HIM AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Merry Christmas Niles! 

DAPHNE 

(CALLING FROM KITCHEN) You can spend the night on the couch and I'll see you first thing. Won't that be wonderful? 

NILES 

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh yes wonderful. 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR 

MARTIN 

Nice try. 

ENTER FRASIER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION SOON TURNS TO ONE OF HORROR 

FRASIER 

Hello all. Oh dear God. I've stumbled upon the nightmare before Christmas. Niles, you've been here, couldn't you have stopped them? 

NILES 

Dad was just about to decorate the windows with snow in a can when I arrived. Just be joyful at the fact that it fell over the terrace and hit that little dog. 

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE 

Hello Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Hi Daphne, getting in the festive spirit I see. 

MARTIN 

I sure am. 

FRASIER 

That's because you've been possessed by it. Filling Puget Sound with holy water and gathering every exorcist in the Washington State area, still wouldn't be able to rid you of it. 

DAPHNE 

Niles is going to stop here Christmas eve is that all right? 

FRASIER 

Oh course. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(SUGGESTIVELY) So really? Staying the night Christmas Eve? 

NILES 

(FEIGNING ENTHUSIASM) Yes, on the couch. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see. Oh well at least you've always slept like a baby on there. 

NILES 

Except this time I'll be crying like a baby. 

FRASIER 

Where is Eddie? Putting on his beard to match the rest of his Santa suit? 

MARTIN 

No, not this year. I thought I'd go with something a little different. Eddie! 

EDDIE ENTERS WEARING BULLHORNS WITH A LITTLE RODEO RIDER ON HIS BACK 

FRASIER 

For the last time I've told you no. I'd rather get you another dog than that bloopers tape. 

MARTIN 

Did you hear that boy? You're getting a baby… 

FRASIER 

I said rather, not that I'm going to. 

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

NILES ANSWERS HIS PHONE AS DAPHNE ENTERS

NILES 

Hello? Mel. I don't know. Yes OK. That's fine. Bye. 

DAPHNE 

What did she want? 

NILES 

She wants to see me on Monday. Apparently she has a few quibbles about the divorce that she wants to iron out. 

FRASIER 

I thought you'd reach some sort of financial agreement. 

NILES 

Well she came up with the financial part and was just pushing me for the agreement. I guess she's thought of something else that she wants. 

MARTIN 

I know what she wants all right. A good sharp poke with a cattle prod. 

AS DAPHNE GOES TO COMFORT NILES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Mike (V.O), Carla (V.O), Gil) 

FRASIER STANDS STARING AT HIS WATCH AS ROZ ENTERS

FRASIER 

Roz where have you been? The show starts in one minute. 

ROZ 

I know it can get a little annoying when the talent turns up late and you've been working for an hour. 

FRASIER 

Point taken. Right this here is the cough button and… 

PICKING UP THE HEADPHONES 

ROZ 

I bet these crazy things are the microphone. 

FRASIER 

You think I'm patronising you. 

ROZ 

I don't think, I know. 

FRASIER 

Well all right Miss. Smarty-pants, you're on in ten. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS ROZ GOES ON THE AIR 

ROZ 

Good afternoon Seattle, this is Roz Doyle filling in for Frasier during KACL job change week. Before we begin I just want to say that I may not know the ins and outs of psychiatry but I do know people, so please call in. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me Roz, may I just add, that if you are not satisfied with the help that you get on the show this week, you can always call back after Christmas when we will resume our normal programming. 

ROZ 

I must apologise to those of you out there who have trouble sleeping, your normal nap time will resume after Christmas when Frasier returns. So Frasier who do we have on line one? 

FRASIER 

We have Mike from Tacoma. 

ROZ 

Hello Mike, how can I help you? 

MIKE 

Well I've always been a quiet, shy person, but lately it's been getting worse. I hardly speak to anyone any more. It's not only the fact that I'm so lonely but also because I haven't been out on a date in years that I need help. I have all the confidence of a continually passed over mail order bride. 

ROZ 

Well Mike this is a real problem. It's very hard to give advice on. 

FRASIER SMILES SMUGLY AT ROZ 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

But fortunately I know exactly what you can do. It's time you started to do a little flirting. Now hit mw with your best pick up line. 

FRASIER BEGINS TO FROWN, UNTIL ROZ LOOKS BACK AT HIM, THEN HE RESUMES HIS SMUG SMILE 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — THREE HOURS LATER

ROZ IS ON THE LINE TO CARLA. FRASIER LOOKS MISERABLE THROUGH THE GLASS 

ROZ 

I'll tell you what you do Carla, you kick him out. 

CARLA 

What? 

ROZ 

I don't care if you still have these lingering feelings. The fact is the man's a bum. And once a bum always a bum. You know deep down that he'll do it again and do you really want to go through this all again six months down the road? 

CARLA 

No. 

ROZ 

Exactly, no. When waxing your legs you don't put on the minimal amount of wax so you have to do it again straight after. What sort of sardonic freak would want to put themselves through that more than once if at all. Now trust me Carla, you kick him out, you dump him faster than radioactive waste. 

CARLA 

(WITH HORROR IN HER VOICE) Oh Roz! 

FRASIER ONCE AGAIN SMILES WITH SMUG SATISFACTION OF BEING PROVED RIGHT 

CARLA (CONT'D) 

That is exactly what I've been wanting to hear for so long. 

FRASIER'S JAW DROPS OPEN 

CARLA (CONT'D) 

I've wanted to do it for the longest time but I always thought that everyone would think that I was being too rash. Thankyou Roz, thankyou. 

ROZ 

You're welcome Carla. And on that I see that our time is up. I'll be back tomorrow along with Frasier if he manages to lift his mouth off the control panel. Have a good evening Seattle. 

ROZ GOES OFF THE AIR AS A NUMBER OF PEOPLE; MAINLY PRODUCERS ENTER INTO THE BOOTH TO CONGRATULATE HER. FRASIER LOOKS ON IN HORROR AS GILL ENTERS

GIL 

Frasier, we have to do something about this. 

FRASIER 

I know, it's fine for her to prove me wrong but does she have to rub my face in it? 

GIL 

I meant about ending this job exchange programme. 

FRASIER 

It's only for a week. 

GIL 

I don't care if it's only for another hour, we have to stop it now. 

FRASIER 

Listen Gil. We're all feeling a bit neglected. 

GIL 

Neglect has nothing to do with it. I don't feel right inflicting the listening public with this horror experiment. 

FRASIER 

Now Gil… 

GIL 

Don't now Gil me. You haven't had to sit and watch a man with community college written all over him give five stars to Greasy Pete's. A place where when you order a burger you have to ask for some meat with your onions. 

FRASIER 

Some people may agree with him. 

GIL 

I don't care. I want everything to go back to normal. Instead of leaving three hours ago after my show I've had to stay and work the extra hours for tomorrows show. 

FRASIER 

As long as it gives you a little taste of how hard the people on the other side of the glass work compared to us what's the harm. It'll give you a whole new respect for them. 

GIL 

God did not give me superior taste buds and table manners for it to be wasted away fetching jelly donuts for that man who gave ten out of ten for meat tasting cheese in a can. 

AS GIL EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Mary, Niles, Mel) 

ROZ AND FRASIER ENTER NERVOSA AND SIT AT THE TABLE IN THE CENTRE 

ROZ 

So you have to admit, I did pretty good. 

FRASIER 

You did OK. I'm not going to say there isn't room for improvement because there is. 

ROZ 

You're just mad because you didn't think I could do it. 

FRASIER 

I am not. 

ROZ 

Then why was that vein popping out of your forehead all the way through the show? Does it normally look as if it's about to explode all over the glass when you're happy and at peace with the world? 

FRASIER 

I was just hot. 

ROZ 

Hot and flustered because I rule at this shrink mumbo jumbo crap. 

ENTER MARY

MARY 

Oh my God are you… 

FRASIER RISES TO SHAKE HER HAND 

FRASIER 

Yes I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Thanks for listening to the show. 

MARY 

I was going to say aren't you Roz Doyle, you did the show on KACL today. 

ROZ 

Yes I am. 

MARY 

Wow, I thought you were really great. 

ROZ 

Why thankyou. 

FRASIER 

She did get a grasp at the basics towards the end but… 

MARY 

It was so refreshing the way you handled the callers as well. It makes such a change to actually hear such clarity and concision. You got to the root of the problem and solved it in way that even I could understand. 

ROZ 

Thankyou so much. That's so nice of you. I didn't catch your name. 

MARY 

Mary Quebec. I've often considered phoning in, but have never been able to pluck up the courage. You'll hear from me tomorrow though. Before I go can I get your autograph? 

ROZ 

Of course. 

ROZ SIGNS A NAPKIN 

MARY 

So who's your friend? 

FRASIER 

Dr. Frasier Crane. 

MARY 

(UNIMPRESSED) Oh. Thanks again. Bye. 

EXIT MARY

ROZ 

Oh my God, can you believe that? 

FRASIER 

No. As a matter of fact I can't. Where is that waitress? Do I have to sit here long enough to develop cobwebs around my ears before she'll serve me? 

ROZ 

Take it easy Frasier, I'll go to the counter. 

ROZ GOES TO THE COUNTER AS NILES ENTERS

NILES 

Oh hi Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Niles. Aren't you going to join me? 

NILES 

I'm meeting Mel here. 

FRASIER 

Oh good God. I'm so sorry. 

NILES 

There's no need to be sorry yet, I don't even know what she wants. So how did the job exchange go today? 

FRASIER 

Needless to say it was a living nightmare. 

ENTER MEL

NILES 

And here's another one. Hello Mel. 

THEY SIT AT THE TABLE NEXT TO FRASIER'S 

MEL 

Niles. So how have you been? 

NILES 

You expect me to exchange pleasantry's with you after the way you've been behaving? 

MEL 

I was just trying to start a conversation. 

NILES 

How about starting this conversation, what is it that you want? 

MEL 

For you to back off a bit to start. I didn't bring you down here to demand more money. I just need you to sign this. 

MEL TAKES OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AS NILES STARTS TO READ IT 

MEL (CONT'D) 

You don't have to read it. 

NILES 

You expect me to sign something without reading it. It could be commitment papers for all I know. 

MEL 

Ending a marriage after three days has already let the world know you have issues with commitment, so why would I bother? 

NILES 

Mel, what does this mean? 

MEL 

I want us to get divorced Niles. I don't want anything from you. 

NILES 

Excuse me? I couldn't hear you over the God's singing. 

MEL 

I don't want your money, I've torn the financial agreement up, I just want this divorce. 

NILES 

But why? 

MEL 

Let's just say I've had a change of heart. Now I understand if you don't trust me. I can't say that it doesn't hurt more after the way you've already treated me but I can't change that. So read them, sign them and get them back to me as quickly as possible. I have to go. You look good Niles. 

EXIT MEL AS ROZ RETURNS TO FRASIER WITH TWO COFFEE'S 

ROZ 

Here you go. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou. I'll pay for these. 

ROZ 

There's no need. 

FRASIER 

No really I insist. 

ROZ 

There's really no need. The owner heard the show today and gave them to me on the house for doing such a good job. Isn't it great? 

FRASIER 

(FEIGNING EXCITEMENT) Great. Yes. 

ROZ 

I'm coming. He wants me to sign his apron. Back in a minute. 

ROZ GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER AS NILES COMES TO FRASIER'S TABLE 

NILES 

Did you hear that? I don't believe it. 

FRASIER 

Neither can I. I've had that show seven years and I've never got so much as a free napkin. 

NILES 

I didn't mean that. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see. Well that man did ask me to sign his stomach once. 

AS NILES CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: 'COLD SHOWERS ALL AROUND' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Niles) 

MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR AS DAPHNE STANDS IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION FOLLOWING AN EXERCISE VIDEO 

MARTIN 

I get exhausted just watching you do this stuff. 

DAPHNE 

Don't tell porkys. 

MARTIN 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Porky Pie's, lies. 

MARTIN 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Don't lie. 

MARTIN 

Lie about what? 

DAPHNE 

Watching me do this. 

MARTIN 

Can we start this conversation again? 

DAPHNE 

Don't try to make out that you are watching me do this. I know very well that you've had your eyes fixated on the blond in the back row since I put the tape on. 

MARTIN 

I have not. 

DAPHNE 

Then why do you watch me do this everyday? You never join in. 

MARTIN 

I get warm sometimes and you create a nice breeze. 

DAPHNE 

You're only hot because you're all flustered watching that blond jig her bosom about. 

MARTIN 

The very idea of it… 

DAPHNE 

Brings that little glint to your eye. 

ENTER FRASIER AND NILES

FRASIER 

Hello everyone. Ahh, watching the blond again are we Dad? 

MARTIN 

I am not. 

NILES 

Hello my love. 

DAPHNE 

I'll be with you in just a minute. But if I stop now I won't be able to get going again. 

NILES SITS ON THE COUCH DIRECTLY BEHIND DAPHNE AS SHE TOUCHES HER TOES 

NILES 

Believe me honey I wouldn't want you to stop. 

MARTIN 

So how goes the great job switch? 

FRASIER 

Oh fine. 

DAPHNE 

It sounded better than fine. She got more satisfied customers than you normally do. 

NILES 

That's because you can't tell the difference between satisfaction and being hooked on Prozac. So Frasier's numbers are a lot less in actual fact. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou Niles. 

MARTIN 

She sure sounded good to me. I'm real proud of her. 

FRASIER 

Then why don't you start the Roz Doyle fan club? You could be president and we could all pray and worship on Roz Doyle day. 

MARTIN 

Here we go again. You're jealous of her little tiny piece of success? 

FRASIER 

I am not. 

DAPHNE 

You could have fooled me. 

FRASIER 

I may be a little annoyed that after one show, people are asking for autographs and wanting to comb her hair. It took me three years to establish that sort of fan base. But it doesn't mean I'm jealous. I'm far from it. I am proud of her. She did well today. 

DAPHNE 

So well, they may offer her the chance to do her own show. 

FRASIER 

They would not! She doesn't know the first thing about psychiatry. With the advice she gives they might as well call her Dr. Cosmopolitan. 

DAPHNE 

(Laughing) It's so easy to get a rise out of you. 

NILES 

It is not! 

THEY ALL STARE AT NILES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I need a glass of cold water. 

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

This is just like that Dr. Mary. 

FRASIER 

She was not a doctor. 

MARTIN 

We know Frasier. But if someone even attempts to offer another person advice without being qualified you get in a tizzy about it. 

FRASIER 

I don't. 

MARTIN 

You think that everyone should stick to the strict Freudian map of psychiatry and heaven forgive the person that doesn't. 

FRASIER 

She doesn't know the first thing about it. 

MARTIN 

I know son. But can't you just be the slightest bit happy for her. Give her credit where credit's due? 

FRASIER 

But she's not… 

DAPHNE TURNS OFF HER VIDEO 

DAPHNE 

We know Roz isn't qualified but at least people are finding her advice helpful. They are the most important people here after all. The callers, the poor miserable tick ridden devils that wander around our streets without constraint. Be glad for Roz as well as them. 

FRASIER 

I suppose I am. 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF WATER 

DAPHNE 

Ooh water. Can I have a bit of that? 

HANDING HER THE WATER 

NILES 

Of course honey. My, you've certainly worked up quite a sweat there haven't you? 

DAPHNE 

It always gets me really hot. 

SHE KNOCKS BACK THE BOTTLE OF WATER IN ONE AS NILES JUST WATCHES HER MESMERISED 

NILES 

That can happen. 

DAPHNE 

So how did things go with Mel today? 

NILES 

(GUILTILY) No I wasn't. Oh Mel? Incredible actually. She doesn't want anything, just this divorce to be finalised as quickly as possible. 

MARTIN 

You mean she doesn't want anything else? 

NILES 

No she doesn't want anything at all. She's torn up the financial settlement. She just wants this divorce to come to an end. 

MARTIN 

That's wonderful son. 

DAPHNE 

Oh Niles I can't believe it. You're finally going to be free. 

NILES 

I know then I can go prowling the Seattle hot spots looking for a date. 

DAPHNE 

You'll be gone a long time then. 

MARTIN 

Did she tell you why? 

NILES 

No. Just that she's had a change of heart. 

FRASIER 

Congratulations again Niles. 

NILES 

Thanks Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

Oh honey come here. 

SHE GOES TO HUG HIM THEN STOPS AS SHE NOTICES HOW SWEATY SHE IS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

On second thoughts, look at the state of me. We can't have this pressed up against your suit now can we? 

NILES 

(HORNY) No we wouldn't want that would we? 

DAPHNE 

I think I need a cold shower, to cool me down. 

DAPHNE KISSES HIM THEN EXITS TO HER ROOM 

NILES 

That makes two of us. 

AS FRASIER GETS NILES SOME MORE WATER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Roz, Neil (V.O), Pete (V.O)) 

FRASIER IS IN THE BOOTH WHEN ROZ ENTERS WITH A BIG BUNCH OF FLOWERS 

FRASIER 

Good afternoon Roz. Lovely flowers, who are they from? 

ROZ 

Off the station owner. 

FRASIER 

The station owner is sending you flowers? 

ROZ 

Yes he is. 

FRASIER 

Is there anyone you won't sleep with? 

ROZ 

Trust your mind to go straight to the gutter. He wanted to congratulate me for doing such a good job this week. I got the highest ratings at the station. 

FRASIER 

Well congratulations then. I'm just going to go on this side of the booth now. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND SHUTS THE DOOR. HE THEN STARTS TO SHOUT AND STAMP HIS FEET. ROZ CAN NEITHER SEE OR HEAR HIM ON HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS SHE HAS HER BACK TO HIM, BEFORE HE SIGNALS FOR HER TO START 

ROZ 

Good afternoon Seattle… 

FRASIER 

(ON PHONE) Hello what's your problem? 

NEIL 

My mom just died and I'm real sad. 

FRASIER 

Hold please. A forest troll could deal with that in their sleep. In other words a perfect call for Roz to take. Wait a minute. If you're god's gift to psychiatry we'll throw you a few curve balls. (ON PHONE) Hay dead mom, call back when you have a real problem. 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — ONE HOUR LATER

ROZ 

I'm sorry Pete but I'm not really qualified to handle that problem. It is obvious though that you need to seek professional help. 

PETE 

I can't afford to see no psychiatrist. That's why I called the show in the first place. 

FRASIER TAPS THE WINDOW AND WITH A SMUG GRIN ACROSS HIS FACE POINTS A FINGER AT HIMSELF AND NODS 

ROZ 

Alternatively then can you call back the first show after Christmas and Frasier will be able to help you. 

PETE 

I can't stay out on this window ledge till then. It's cold and it's starting to rain. I guess I'll have to come in until then. 

ROZ 

That's good news Pete. OK Frasier who do we have next? 

FRASIER 

We have Albert, Jenny, Mike, and June a schizophrenic from Kirkland on lines two, three, four and five. 

ROZ 

And I'll be right with them after this word from our sponsor. 

ROZ BURSTS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Frasier how could you do this to me? 

FRASIER 

Do what? Put the calls through. 

ROZ 

OK so I don't have your qualifications and I know I'm way out of my depth here. I'm sorry that people have been enjoying my show. 

FRASIER 

This is my show. 

ROZ 

But giving simple bits of advice to people is what I'm good at. And I'm sorry that you're jealous of my success. 

FRASIER 

I am not jealous. 

ROZ 

Oh come on Frasier, I've never seen anyone so green since Daphne took Niles to eat at Burger King. 

FRASIER 

Just admit you're trying to steal my show. 

ROZ 

I'm not trying to steal anything. 

FRASIER 

Yes you are. 

ROZ 

No I'm not. 

FRASIER 

Are. 

ROZ 

If you want to be a child about this then fine, I'll play. Let's play a guessing game. How many boxes of fan mail did I get this morning? Give up? Two. Two boxes. 

FRASIER 

So, I get two boxes as well. 

ROZ 

But mine are off more than one person. Where is your Christmas spirit? 

FRASIER 

At home waiting to be drunk when I finally have control of my show back. 

AS ROZ EXITS TO CONTINUE THE SHOW WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Roz, Mel, Donny) 

NILES AND MARTIN ARE DRINKING COFFEE WHEN FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

Oh hi you two. Where's Daphne? 

MARTIN 

At home on the phone to her mom. 

FRASIER 

A real guilt trip, for not going home? 

NILES 

It's happened so many times over the last few weeks that she has frequent flyer miles. And of course it's all my fault for not letting her go home. 

MARTIN 

I thought she didn't want to go home. 

NILES 

She doesn't, but trying to explain that to her mother is like trying to explain monogamy to Roz. 

FRASIER 

Don't even mention that name. 

MARTIN 

I really don't get you. You should be happy that she's done so well, not stabbing her in the back. 

FRASIER 

I have done nothing of the sort. 

MARTIN 

I heard the show today Frasier. Putting a caller with obsessive compulsive disorder on five times in the space of twenty minutes is not what I call giving her a helping hand. 

NILES 

It's over now anyway. You can go back to your correct sides of the glass and if you're lucky possibly salvage your friendship. 

FRASIER 

Everything is as it should be. I do the show and Roz does everything else. 

MARTIN 

In other words you go back to working three hours a day and she goes back to working six. 

FRASIER 

Exactly. 

MARTIN 

You know the bond that the pair of you have formed is a lot like riding a bull. 

FRASIER 

Stop right there. In how many languages do I have to say no to you? 

MARTIN 

I can't have one thing that I want. 

FRASIER 

Unless I'm mistaken I've let you destroy my apartment. That is unless someone continually slips me a hallucinogenic before I open the front door. 

ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

Oh my God, oh my God. Thank God I've found someone I know. 

FRASIER 

What is it? 

ROZ 

Martin, Niles do you mind if I join you? 

FRASIER 

Who's being the child now? 

ROZ 

You'll never guess what's just happened. Kenny cornered me on my way out and wanted to have a talk. It turns out he wants me to front my own show on the weekends. 

FRASIER 

Doing what? 

ROZ 

Bite me. 

NILES 

Doing what? 

ROZ 

What I've been doing this week, giving people advice, helping them with their problems. Like a psychiatrist but not a psychiatrist. I don't talk to the wack jobs, they're left for some other schmuck. 

MARTIN 

That's great Roz. 

NILES 

Congratulations. 

ROZ 

There's Mike, I've got to go and tell him. 

ROZ WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER 

FRASIER 

I missed that I was having a haemorrhage. 

MARTIN 

Come on Frasier be happy for her. 

FRASIER 

She has no qualifications and she's going to be doing my job. 

NILES 

It's not your job and may I remind you this is your friend your talking about. 

MARTIN 

As bull riders always say… 

FRASIER 

If you say bull once more I may have to beat you to death with your own cane. 

NILES 

Frasier calm down. 

FRASIER 

I will not calm down. I can't believe Kenny is going to give her, her own show. What is he thinking? 

ROZ 

Thankyou so much Frasier. I thought you at least would be happy for me. But someone like me an unwed single mother with no real education should be kept in her place, out of the limelight. 

FRASIER 

That's not what I'm saying at all. 

MEL AND DONNY ENTER AND SIT BY THE WINDOW 

ROZ 

It sure sounds like it to me. I can't believe how you've turned on me this last week. Goodbye Frasier. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Roz, but I've only done what I've done because I don't want to loose you. I knew this would happen and I didn't want you to leave me. I love you Roz, you're my best friend and we make a pretty good team, I didn't want to loose that. My show is worthless without you. I'd have been taken off the air years ago if it weren't for you. I know it's selfish of me but I can't help that. 

NILES 

Oh my God. 

FRASIER 

Niles keep out of this. 

NILES 

Mel and Donny have just walked in. 

MARTIN 

So? 

NILES 

Look. 

THEY TURN TO SEE MEL AND DONNY KISSING AND CUDDLING AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Daphne, Man, Martin, Niles, Frasier, Roz) 

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND MAN ENTERS WITH A LEAD BUT THE DOG IS STILL IN THE HALL. MARTIN IS IN HIS CHAIR 

DAPHNE 

Can I help you? 

MAN 

I was just curious to see if you had any snow in a can on your windows. 

MARTIN 

No, we haven't got any of that. Why? 

MAN 

Some jerk threw a can over one the terraces on this side of the building and hit my dog. Look at him, twelve stitches he's had to have. Do you have any idea what the vet's bill has cost me? 

HE PULLS THE DOG INTO VIEW WHO HAS A NASTY SCAR DOWN HIS BACK AND A CONE ON HIS HEAD 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry but it wasn't us. 

MAN 

OK thankyou. 

EXIT MAN AND ENTER NILES WITH A BAG 

NILES 

Hello. What happened to that dog? 

DAPHNE 

Some evil bugger threw some snow in a can off one of the balconies at him. 

NILES 

Oh well, let's just lock this door than shall we. 

HE SHUTS AND LOCKS THE DOOR. 

DAPHNE 

Have you noticed where you're standing? 

NILES 

In the living room? 

SHE LIFTS HIS CHIN UNTIL HE SEES THE MISTLETOE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Ahh, now I get it. 

THEY KISS AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

Do you want to put your bag in my room? 

NILES LEADS DAPHNE TO THE COUCH AND THEY BOTH SIT AS HE HOLDS HER HAND 

NILES 

I need to talk to you about something first. 

DAPHNE 

This sounds serious. 

NILES 

I know why Mel doesn't want any money. As it turns out Mel and Donny are now dating. 

SHE PULLS HER HAND AWAY FROM HIM AND GROWS INCREASINGLY UNCOMFORTABLE 

DAPHNE 

How do you know this? 

FRASIER 

We saw them in Nervosa. 

DAPHNE 

You spoke to them? 

NILES 

Yes. 

DAPHNE 

Are they serious? 

NILES 

I can't see why they'd lie? 

DAPHNE 

No I meant a serious relationship. 

NILES 

She was wearing an engagement ring. 

DAPHNE 

I see. Well that's great I'll just check on dinner. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS NILES LOOKS CONCERNED AFTER HER 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

What kind of sick freak would do that to a dog? 

FRASIER 

Roz what can I do for you? Come to rub your job offer in my face. But just remember I've taught you everything you know. 

ROZ 

How do you work that one out? 

FRASIER 

You can't have worked with me for seven years and not picked anything up. 

ROZ 

Someone sure thinks a lot of themself. 

FRASIER 

Yes and I think it's you. 

ROZ 

Listen I didn't come here so we could hurl insults. You have Lilith for that. I wanted to let you know I've rejected the job offer. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

ROZ 

I don't want to end our friendship over it. The hours weren't great and I'd miss you too much. 

FRASIER 

You'd give up your big break for me. 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

I can't let you do it Roz. 

ROZ 

I've already done it. Although with your permission I've angled myself another deal. 

FRASIER 

What's that? 

ROZ 

When you're on vacation I get to do your show. 

FRASIER 

I think I can handle that. I'll be happy to know that it's you keeping my seat warm and no one else. 

ROZ 

I have to get going. My mom's getting the dinner ready. Merry Christmas Frasier. 

THEY HUG 

FRASIER 

Merry Christmas Roz. I'll call you tomorrow. Maybe the three of you could come around. 

ROZ 

That would be great. Bye everybody, merry Christmas. 

ROZ EXITS AS DAPHNE ENTERS WITH THE PLATES FOR THE TABLE 

NILES 

Do you want any help Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

You know what? I think I'm going to go for a quick walk. I need a breath of fresh air. 

NILES 

That's a great idea. I'll come with you. 

DAPHNE 

If you don't mind I'd rather go on my own. 

DAPHNE GRABS HER COAT AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR AS NILES FOLLOWS HER 

NILES 

I understand. 

DAPHNE 

I won't be long then we can have dinner. 

NILES 

OK. 

NILES NOTICES THE MISTLETOE ABOVE THE DOOR 

DAPHNE 

See you in a bit. 

NILES 

But wait Daphne… 

DAPHNE EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR HARDER THAN USUAL 

NILES (CONT'D) 

You're standing under the mistletoe. 

AS NILES GETS HIMSELF A DRINK WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne) 

NILES SITS ON THE COUCH UNFOLDING A BLANKET AS FRASIER HEADS TO BED. BOTH ARE WEARING PYJAMAS. ALL LIGHTS ARE OUT EXCEPT THE ONES ON THE TREE 

FRASIER 

Are you going to be all right here? 

NILES 

I'm fine Frasier. 

FRASIER 

It was just a surprise Niles that's all. A shock to the system that he'd get over her that quickly. Diane was just the same when I started dating again. She'll get over it. 

NILES 

I know. 

FRASIER 

Goodnight. Merry Christmas. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN IN HER ROBE, WITH A GLASS OF WATER. 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Merry Christmas Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Goodnight, merry Christmas Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER EXITS

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Are you all right here? 

NILES 

I'm fine. 

DAPHNE 

Goodnight then. 

SHE QUICKLY AND UNCOMFORTABLY KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK AND EXITS TO HER ROOM. NILES SIGHS AND LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH. AFTER A LONG BEAT DAPHNE ENTERS AND STANDS AT THE DOORWAY LOOKING AT HIM. HE DOESN'T SEE HER. SHE THEN SMILES, WALKS TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I must warn you now, apparently I snore like a saw going through a sheet of metal while being eaten by a cow. 

SHE LIFTS UP THE BLANKET, LIES DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND PULLS HIS ARM AROUND HER 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Merry Christmas Niles. 

NILES 

Merry Christmas Daphne. 

A BEAT 

DAPHNE 

I love you. 

NILES 

I love you too. 

HE KISSES THE BACK OF HER NECK AS THEY BOTH CLOSE THEIR EYES AND DRIFT OFF TO SLEEP AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: DAPHNE LIES TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF THE COUCH AND THEN FALLS OFF. CONFUSED SHE GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR, STANDS ON THE COUCH, STEPS OVER NILES AND PUSHES HIM TO THE EDGE AS SHE LIES BACK DOWN. 


	8. Episode Eight

_I don't own any of these characters. _

_Enjoy… _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Eight   
One Flew Over The Crane Nest 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1   
(Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Niles) 

FRASIER IS STANDING BY THE OPEN DOORWAY LEADING ONTO THE TERRACE TALKING ON THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

(ON THE PHONE) Niles are you ready? You hold the flashlight then and let the doorman look down the drain. For God's sake I'm not asking you to get in the sewer and take a swim, just look down it. Are you ready now? (SHOUTING) OK Daphne flush. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTING FROM DOWN THE HALL) I'm flushing the toilet now. 

FRASIER 

She's just flushed it Niles. It's going to take longer than that for the water to reach the sewer you twit. Just keep looking. That is not a rat it's a dog. Yes it is I can see from here. You are such a baby. You are not going to catch the plague by hovering over an open manhole holding a flashlight and a hanky to your face. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY 

DAPHNE 

Any joy? 

FRASIER 

Not yet. It doesn't help us at our quest the fact that Niles refuses to lie on the road and look down the manhole. He just keeps hovering. (ON PHONE) Yes Niles? So what if a car splashed you. You're the one who wanted to go down there. Speak to Daphne while I flush it again. 

FRASIER HANDS DAPHNE THE PHONE AND THEN EXITS DOWN THE HALL 

DAPHNE 

(ON PHONE) Hello. I'm sure they didn't mean to splash you on purpose. We'll just have to snuggle up in front of the fire then until you're dry. No you don't have to come up now. 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTING FROM HALL) I've flushed it. 

DAPHNE 

(ON PHONE) You're brother just flushed it again. Niles? Niles? Oh hello Ian. He's run off upstairs. I can't say I'm surprised. Dr. Crane's just flushed it again. If you don't see them in the next couple of minutes, I think you should give up. OK, Bye Ian. 

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

What's happening? 

NILES 

Niles is on his way up but Ian's going to stop a little longer. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY 

MARTIN 

Has he found them? 

FRASIER 

No Dad. You stand more chance of finding the Holy Grail then you do trying to find a set of false teeth in the sewers of Seattle. 

MARTIN 

Don't get snippy with me. After all it's my teeth that have gone on the ride of their life, not yours. I bet some rats probably wearing them by now. I'm going to go to the dentist tomorrow, I can't keep wearing these old ones. They don't feel right. 

DAPHNE 

I don't understand how you did it in the first place. 

MARTIN 

Well I was using the toilet. 

FRASIER 

Why would you have your teeth out of your mouth while using the toilet? 

DAPHNE 

I don't think I really want to hear the answer to that question. 

MARTIN 

They were in my mouth at the time. 

DAPHNE 

Please say your teeth. 

MARTIN 

Of course my teeth. 

FRASIER 

Then how did they get from your mouth to down the toilet? 

MARTIN 

As I flushed, I yawned and they just feel out and landed in the bowl. By the time I'd bent down to put my hand down there, they'd gone. 

DAPHNE 

It's not the most charming story I've ever heard. Although a similar thing happened to my Uncle Jack. He had a violent sneeze while using the bathroom and the force made his false eye fly out of his head. We all thought it had gone down the toilet but when I took the dog for a walk and I noticed his business was looking at me, we realised that he'd eaten it. My Uncle was so glad to get it back. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS SOAKED FROM HEAD TO TOE 

FRASIER 

Niles you're wet. 

NILES 

That happens when you're nearly drowned by a passing car. I wouldn't care if it were a Mercedes or a BMW. But no, I get assaulted by a hatchback. 

FRASIER 

You're not coming in here like that. It looks as if you swam here. 

NILES 

Do you suggest I stay out in the hall and dry? 

FRASIER 

These floors have just been polished. You're not coming in like that. 

DAPHNE 

Who polishes them? 

FRASIER 

You do. 

DAPHNE 

Then I say he can come in. Take off your coat, I'll get you a towel. 

NILES TAKES HIS COAT OFF AS DAPHNE GETS HIM A TOWEL FROM THE BATHROOM AND STARTS TO RUB HIS HEAD WITH IT 

NILES 

Dad you have teeth. 

MARTIN 

Niles you have ears. Why are we talking like this? 

NILES 

Don't tell me I've spent the last hour with my head down a drain looking for your teeth and they were in your mouth all along. 

MARTIN 

These are my old ones. 

NILES 

I didn't know you had two sets. 

MARTIN 

Sure I do. These are the ones I make Eddie wear at Halloween. 

FRASIER 

Please tell me you washed them first. 

MARTIN 

Of course I did. They gather a lot of dust in a year. I always give them a quick swill before I put them in Eddie's mouth. 

FRASIER 

I still maintain we were switched at birth. 

NILES 

That's impossible, it couldn't happen twice. 

FRASIER 

You're right of course. He is your father. 

NILES 

These are nice flowers. Where have they come from? 

FRASIER 

Before you have a panic attack, they're mine not Daphne's. 

DAPHNE 

My God you're so paranoid. What's it going to take to convince you that you're the love of my life? 

NILES 

Marry me. 

DAPHNE 

But you're still married. 

NILES 

Pretty soon you'll grow tired of that excuse and say yes. So who has been sending you flowers? 

FRASIER 

They're off a fan actually. They were waiting at the station for me when I arrived today. Actually it's quite flattering to think that someone admires me that much to send me gifts. 

AS NILES CONTINUES TO GET DRY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'FATAL ATTRACTION' 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Deborah (V.O.)) 

ROZ IS ON FRASIER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS

ROZ 

You have been holding out on me. 

FRASIER 

I have? 

ROZ 

Yes. Who is Deborah? 

FRASIER 

I have no idea. 

ROZ 

Oh come on Frasier. You get flowers yesterday and today you get this. 

SHE PRODUCES A LARGE TEDDY BEAR HOLDING A GIANT HEART FROM BEHIND THE CONSOLE 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

And the card says 'To my darling Frasier, all my love Deborah.' 

FRASIER 

Really? How do you know what the card said? 

ROZ 

I read it. So who is she? Did you get a little action recently? 

FRASIER 

Honestly Roz I have no idea who this woman is. It's just a fan I suppose. 

ROZ 

You have a fan who's sending you flowers and giant teddy bears at work? 

FRASIER 

Jealous? 

ROZ 

Are you insane? More to the point is she insane? 

FRASIER 

Oh come on Roz. Just because she sends me a couple of gifts doesn't mean you can label her an escaped mental patient. 

ROZ 

Fine OK. But I'm telling you, this can only lead to one thing. 

FRASIER 

Eventually she'll buy me a beach house? 

ROZ 

More like a bunny boiling in a pot on your stove. You're on in ten. 

ROZ EXITS TO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER PUTS HIS HEAD SET ON 

FRASIER 

Good afternoon Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours. So without further adieu lets get straight to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one? 

ROZ 

We have Deborah from Seattle. 

FRASIER 

Hello Deborah. I'm listening. 

DEBORAH 

Hello Dr. Crane. I can't believe I'm actually talking to you. You have no idea what a big thrill this is. 

FRASIER 

Why thankyou. How can I help you? 

DEBORAH 

Marry me. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

DEBORAH 

I love you Dr. Crane. I always have. 

FRASIER 

I'm very flattered Deborah but… 

DEBORAH 

Did you get the flowers? 

FRASIER 

Yes I did and the teddy bear this afternoon. 

DEBORAH 

How about the candy? 

FRASIER 

Candy? 

DEBORAH 

You didn't get the candy? Man I don't believe this. What is wrong with the world today? It should have been there this morning. I am so angry, I could scream (SHE SCREAMS) Someone is going to pay for this, they can't treat me this way. I'll call you later honey. 

FRASIER 

Here is a word from our sponsor. Oh my God Roz! She's insane. If she screams that much because a delivery is slow, what is she going to do when I tell her to leave me alone? 

ROZ 

The first thing you do is buy a baseball bat. 

FRASIER 

Are you serious? I don't even know how to operate one let alone where to buy one. I've got to get an unlisted phone number. 

ROZ 

You're phone number is already unlisted. 

FRASIER 

I meant for here. 

AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO PANIC WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Deborah, Waitress) 

NILES IS SITTING DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS FRASIER ENTERS

NILES 

Hello Frasier. My God you look tense. I was going to suggest you ask Daphne to give you a massage but looking at you, you might break her fingers. 

FRASIER 

It's my fan. 

NILES 

Ooh you finally have a fan. I'll crack open some champagne and we can celebrate. 

FRASIER 

I'm terrified she might crack open my head. Niles, she's mad. 

NILES 

Well she is your fan after all. 

FRASIER 

No I mean really insane. 

NILES 

How insane? Insane like she'd order the 92 Dom Perignon instead of the 90, or insane as in she keeps a pair of your underwear to dust her furniture. 

FRASIER 

Worse. She says she loves me and wants to marry me. 

NILES 

Then she must truly be insane. Lock that woman up she's a danger to herself. 

FRASIER 

That's very funny, but I am having a crisis here. 

NILES 

Oh Frasier calm down. You've wanted celebrity status all your life and now you finally have it. Unfortunately this is one of the pitfalls that comes with it. I wouldn't worry about it. 

FRASIER 

I suppose your right Niles. 

NILES 

Feeling better? 

FRASIER 

I guess I am. 

NILES 

Good, now it's your turn to comfort me. 

FRASIER 

Comfort you? Why what's the matter? 

NILES 

Frasier I'm beginning to get desperate. 

FRASIER 

Desperate how? 

NILES 

Frasier if I don't have sex soon I think I'm going to explode. 

FRASIER 

For God's sake Niles. Desperate is when you're single with no romantic prospects in sight. You have a woman who is smitten with you and who you feel the same way about. For God's sake I'm desperate. 

NILES 

I know you are. But Daphne and I seem to be stuck in a rut. We agreed not to rush into anything until we'd been together a while and the divorce had come through. The divorce is finally moving swiftly through the courts and we've been together for months and yet still nothing. 

FRASIER 

Have you spoken to her about it? 

NILES 

No. But what would I say to her? 

FRASIER 

Just tell her how you feel. 

NILES 

What like, our relationship it's wonderful, it's marvellous, you've made my life so glamorous, you can't blame me for feeling amorous. 

FRASIER 

Yes and by the time you've sang the entire Gershwin songbook she may feel the same way. 

NILES 

So you really think I should talk to her? 

FRASIER 

You'll get her take on it. It'll be better for you to know if you're on the same page or not. 

NILES 

The same page, I wish. I have a feeling we're reading different books. I'm reading the Karma Sutra and she's reading Goldie Locks and The Three Bears. On one hand I want her so much, but then on the other I worry that sex might ruin what we already have. I'm just nervous, I don't want to spoil it. 

FRASIER 

The longer this stalemate goes on for though, the harder and more uncomfortable it is going to be when you finally reach the physical side to your relationship. Why does that woman keep staring at me? 

NILES 

Maybe it's your fan. 

FRASIER 

Niles don't even joke. So are you going to talk to Daphne? 

NILES 

I don't think so. I don't want to set us back any further. This slow pace is killing me, but a year ago we weren't even running the same race so I can't really complain. 

FRASIER 

Niles if you took it any slower the relationship would be in a coma. That woman is still staring at me. Oh she's coming over. Don't look, don't look. 

DEBORAH APPROACHES THE TABLE 

DEBORAH 

How much longer do I have to wait before you talk to me? 

FRASIER RISES TO GREET HER 

FRASIER 

I'm terribly sorry. I'm Frasier Crane, this is my… 

DEBORAH 

You think I don't know that sweetie? By the way I got that candy situation all cleared up. 

FRASIER 

Deborah? 

DEBORAH 

I had to break a few bones, normally that's just an expression, but you'll get them this time. 

FRASIER 

Good lord, look at the time I must run. 

FRASIER EXITS RUNNING AT GREAT SPEED 

DEBORAH 

But Frasier… Hello. You're Frasier brother, Niles, correct? 

NILES 

Oh look at the time, I must be running along as well. 

NILES EXITS THE SAME WAY FRASIER DID AS DEBORAH STARES AFTER THEM AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Deliveryman) 

MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WITH HIS HAND IN HIS MOUTH AS DAPHNE SETS THE TABLE 

DAPHNE 

Will you leave your mouth alone? 

MARTIN 

I'm sorry but they just don't feel right. They're not my teeth. It's like having something foreign in your mouth. 

DAPHNE 

But they are your teeth. 

MARTIN 

But they don't feel like my old ones. They don't fit properly. 

DAPHNE 

I'm taking you to the dentist next week, what more do you want? 

MARTIN 

The ability to chew corn. 

DAPHNE 

Just take them out and I'll put your dinner in the blender. You can suck it through a straw. 

MARTIN 

English cooking strikes again. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

You're not still complaining about your teeth? 

MARTIN 

I'm so sorry to bore you. But if you were any kind of a son, you'd take me to the sewage farm to see if I could get my old ones back. 

FRASIER 

There is more chance of what ever Daphne is cooking being edible then there is of me taking you to the sewage farm. 

DAPHNE 

That's two people having no dinner tonight. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Just think about all the museums you've dragged me around. 

FRASIER 

There is little to no chance of any museum that I've taken you to exploding if you light a match, or having to walk through a pool of disinfectant before you leave. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER DELIVERYMAN WEARING A PLASTER CAST ON HIS RIGHT ARM AND A NECK BRACE CARRYING A SMALL BOX OF CANDY 

MAN 

Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

Yes. 

MAN 

I'm from Candy Direct, I have a package for you. I must apologise again for the time it's taken. I am extremely sorry and can you please tell Deborah that I said that. 

THE DELIVERYMAN EXITS AND ON FRASIER'S HORRIFIED LOOK WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3   
(Niles, Frasier, Deborah, Man) 

NILES IS DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS FRASIER ENTERS WEARING SUNGLASSES, BASEBALL CAP (BORROWED FROM MARTIN) AND THE COLLAR OF HIS TRENCHCOAT TURNED UP 

NILES 

Either you've joined the FBI or you're trying to hide from someone. 

FRASIER 

I'm trying to avoid Deborah. 

NILES 

Who? 

FRASIER 

My fan. The woman who is practically stalking me. 

NILES 

I think you might be exaggerating a bit there. 

FRASIER 

Today I have already seen her four times. 

NILES 

Congratulations that's a record for your love life. 

FRASIER 

Very funny. Everyday this week she's been in here and been drawn to me like Dad is to tacky furniture. 

NILES 

Just tell her to leave you alone. 

FRASIER 

I don't want to upset her. I saw her kick a pigeon the other day that nearly tripped her up. So how is it going on the Daphne front? 

NILES 

Not well. As you know last night just ended with a kiss. 

FRASIER 

I'd hardly call what happened last night just a kiss. More like a ten-minute tonsillectomy by the elevator. There is such a thing as too much. 

NILES 

I didn't hear Daphne complaining. 

FRASIER 

That's because if she'd tried to speak she'd have choked. You're like a couple of teenagers. 

NILES 

There's a significant difference. Teenagers have sex. The way we're going I might as well buy us matching cardigans and sterilise myself. 

FRASIER 

I don't see why this is so hard. Just initiate the first move and see where it leads. 

NILES 

You know I've never been very good at that. I haven't had much experience. Maris' idea of foreplay was turning off the light, taking a water pill and rubbing some vapour rub on her chest. I don't want to force it. That sort of loutish behaviour is beyond me. I am first and foremost a gentleman. 

FRASIER 

Well then you've just got to give it time. It'll happen when the times right. Then we probably won't see you for weeks at a time. 

NILES 

Saying things like that doesn't actually help. Do you have any idea how horny I am at the moment? 

ENTER DEBORAH

FRASIER 

All you have to do is think about Aunt Lissy in a teddy. Oh my God it's Deborah. 

DEBORAH 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

She's seen me. 

NILES 

How did you work that out Sherlock? 

A MAN ACCIDENTALLY WALKS INTO DEBORAH WITH A CUP OF COFFEE. HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY SPILL ANY ANYWHERE 

DEBORAH 

Are you insane? Are you trying to scold me with a cup of coffee? 

MAN 

I'm sorry but you walked into me. 

DEBORAH 

I walked into you. I am so mad I could scream. (SHE SCREAMS) How dare you speak to me like that. 

DEBORAH THEN STARTS TO BEAT THE MAN WITH HER UMBRELLA, KNOCKING THE COFFEE ALL OVER HERSELF 

DEBORAH (CONT'D) 

You spilled your coffee on me! 

SHE CONTINUES TO BEAT HIM WITH MORE FORCE 

FRASIER 

Quick she's distracted, I'm out of here. 

NILES 

Wait for me. I don't want to be beaten to death when I tell her you've left. 

FRASIER AND NILES SINK TO THEIR HANDS AND KNEES, CRAWL AND EXIT OUT OF CAFÉ NERVOSA. DEBORAH DOESN'T NOTICE THEM UNTIL THEY ARE OUT OF THE DOOR BECAUSE SHE IS DISTRACTED BEATING THE MAN 

DEBORAH 

Frasier, honey, wait, come back. Are you happy now? They've left because they were frightened of the loon who likes to throw coffee on people. 

SHE STARTS TO BEAT HIM AGAIN AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Deborah) 

NILES IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WHILE FRASIER POURS TWO SHERRY'S AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

NILES 

Hello sweetie. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE 

What are you doing around here? You two are normally at Nervosa around now. 

NILES 

We were but we thought it was safer if we left. 

DAPHNE 

Is that man with pink eye on foamer duty again? 

ENTER MARTIN FROM THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

No we ran into Frasier's fan. 

DAPHNE 

Again? Is she still following you? 

FRASIER 

Every time I turn around, there she is. 

NILES 

I don't think you'll see her again for a while though. Unless she uses her one phone call to call you. I'll be stunned if she doesn't get arrested this time. 

DAPHNE 

Why what happened? 

FRASIER 

A man accidentally walked into her and she started to beat him with her umbrella. 

MARTIN 

What did you do? 

FRASIER 

What could I do? I crawled out of there. 

DAPHNE 

You coward. You let her beat a man with an umbrella as you crawled out of there on your hands and knees? 

NILES 

It's disgraceful, cowardly behaviour. 

FRASIER 

Oh shut up Niles, you did exactly the same thing. 

NILES 

At least I didn't start crying when I put my hand on a fork. 

FRASIER 

That's right you didn't. You saved it for when we were in the car and you realised you'd knelt on a sticky bun. I'm going to have to call the Police about her. 

MARTIN 

Are you out of your mind? They have more important things to deal with than this. 

FRASIER 

I don't care. It's their job to serve and protect and I need protecting and she definitely needs serving. 

MARTIN 

What from? A lady who showers you with gifts. They'll laugh you all the way out of the station. 

FRASIER 

But she's everywhere that I go. 

MARTIN 

So what. It's a coincidence. 

FRASIER 

She was in the men's room at the station today. 

DAPHNE 

Maybe she just wondered in there by mistake. 

NILES 

Or she couldn't find the ladies room. 

FRASIER 

She had a pair of scissors, pinned me down and cut off a lock of my hair. 

NILES 

Slightly creepier than I first thought. 

DAPHNE 

If she wants your hair I don't know why she doesn't call me. She could make herself a Frasier hair sweater with the amount of hair I find in your bathroom plug holes. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

I'm just glad I'm home. This is the one place where I won't run into her. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER DEBORAH

DEBORAH 

Frasier, sweetie pie. There you are. 

FRASIER 

Deborah! 

DEBORAH 

Why are you so surprised to see me? 

FRASIER 

Because my address is unlisted and I was very careful not to give it to you. 

DEBORAH 

I have a confession to make. I followed you home. 

FRASIER 

You followed me home today? 

MARTIN 

Quick someone get a pointed stick. Preferably with a nail in the end. 

DEBORAH 

No I didn't follow you home today. It was a few weeks ago. But then yesterday as I sat in my car staring up at your apartment with my binoculars I thought to myself 'Deborah why are you sitting down here in the cold, when the man that loves you is up there in a nice warm apartment'. 

FRASIER 

And the man who loves you would be? 

DEBORAH 

You silly. 

FRASIER 

Deborah I don't love. I hardly know you. And from what I do know, I know enough to know I don't want to get to know you any better. 

DEBORAH 

What are you saying? Are you breaking off our engagement? 

FRASIER 

Deborah we're not engaged. 

DEBORAH 

We are. 

FRASIER 

No we're not. 

DEBORAH 

Don't start with me Frasier. Don't argue with me. Don't make me mad. I'm so mad I could scream. (SHE SCREAMS) 

DAPHNE RUSHES TO CALM HER 

DAPHNE 

Listen Deborah you're obviously very upset so why don't you go home and get some rest. 

DEBORAH 

Who are you? Frasier have you been cheating on me. I'll scream. 

DAPHNE 

Please don't. I'm his brother's girlfriend. That's all. Now why don't you get off home? 

DEBORAH 

All right fine. But I'm watching you. If I find you've been coming on to my Frasier I will kill you. Normally that would just be an expression. 

DAPHNE 

OK. Bye. 

EXIT DEBORAH AS DAPHNE SHUTS THE DOOR 

MARTIN 

OK fine. You pass me the phone, I'll speak to someone about her. 

AS MARTIN DIALS THE PHONE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Deborah, Noel) 

ROZ IS IN FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS. THE WHOLE BOOTH IS FULL OF BALLOONS, BANNERS AND FLOWERS. 

FRASIER 

Hello Roz. Oh dear God. 

ROZ 

What a coincidence, that's what most of the gift cards say. 

FRASIER 

Are they all from Deborah? 

ROZ 

All except this one. I bought this one to play a prank on you and freak you out. But I see Deborah can do that well enough on her own. 

FRASIER 

This is starting to get ridiculous. Every time I turn around there she is. I'm starting to get really worried. 

ROZ 

Oh she's not really a threat. 

FRASIER 

Are you serious? Yesterday as I was coming out of Nervosa, she viscously attacked an elderly man with her purse because he got in the way of her taking a picture of me. Not to mention the man she attacked who walked into her. Do you have any idea how it feels to have some one act this way towards you? 

ENTER NOEL, WHO WALKS PASSED THE GLASS, TAPS ON IT AND WAVES AT ROZ. EXIT NOEL

ROZ 

No, no idea at all. 

ENTER DEBORAH WALKING PASSED THE GLASS. FRASIER DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND CRAWLS TO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

Oh my God it's Deborah. Hide me. 

ROZ 

Hide you where? I'm not like a kangaroo, I haven't got a pouch you can hide in. 

FRASIER 

Just get rid of her. 

ROZ 

Hello Deborah. 

DEBORAH 

Miss Doyle. Is Frasier in here? 

ROZ 

I'm afraid not. He's not feeling too well today so we're putting the best of Crane on. 

DEBORAH 

Oh my poor baby. I've got to go and see him. 

DEBORAH EXITS QUICKLY AS ROZ GOES INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH TO SEE FRASIER WHO IS STILL ON THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

Well done Roz. Now I've got the lunatic heading over to my place. Do you have any idea what's she's capable of, especially when she finds out I've been lying to her. 

DEBORAH QUIETLY ENTERS BEHIND HIM AS ROZ BEGINS TO GESTURES TO FRASIER TO BE QUIET 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

In it's bluntest term Deborah is a grade A fruit loop. 

DEBORAH 

Is that what you think of me. 

FRASIER 

No Deborah no. I think you're the sanest of all my stalkers. I was referring to a caller we had the other day. She was divorcing her husband because she kept her father's ashes in a coffee jar and he accidentally drank him. 

DEBORAH 

Don't lie to me. How could you treat me like this after the way I've loved you? I'm so angry I could scream. (SHE SCREAMS) You'll pay for this. 

EXIT DEBORAH

FRASIER 

Oh my God. Roz why didn't you tell me she was behind me? 

ROZ 

What did you think I was going like this for? Telling you to steal second? 

FRASIER 

You could have made it more obvious. 

ROZ 

If I had made it any more obvious people would think I was trying to back a plane in. 

AS ROZ CONTINUES TO DEFEND HERSELF WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/5   
(Roz, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Deborah) 

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AS ROZ ENTERS. 

ROZ 

Hi Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Hello Roz. 

ROZ 

Wow, look at the size of that fruit basket. Is it from Deborah? 

DAPHNE 

Do you know anyone else who is in love with Dr. Crane? 

ROZ 

Yeah, you. But that's a different Dr. Crane. 

DAPHNE 

Actually Roz I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to you about Niles. 

ROZ 

This sounds serious. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE GETS TWO BOTTLES OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE 

DAPHNE 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you agreed to take it slow to start with but it's got to a point where you can't look at him without wanting to strip naked and hurl yourself across his desk at him? 

ROZ 

I can honestly say no. I've never been one to take things slow. 

DAPHNE 

Why not? 

ROZ 

Because if I take things too slow I can't see two men in one night. Are you two still not sleeping together? 

DAPHNE 

No. Is that strange? 

ROZ 

No it's not strange. It's abnormal but it's not strange. Why is it taking so long? 

DAPHNE 

I just don't know if he feels the same, if he's ready yet. 

ROZ 

Are you kidding? Niles has been as horny as a stag for months. 

DAPHNE 

But he's always like that. He just never initiates anything and I'm frightened of what he'd think of me if I just pounced on him like a lion on a zebra carcass. 

ROZ 

That's such a romantic image. 

DAPHNE 

How do I find out if we're on the same page? 

ROZ 

Have you gone over there with the intention of stopping the night? 

DAPHNE 

I've done everything but smoother myself in baby oil and throw myself at him. 

ROZ 

We'll call that plan B. It's all a matter of body language. You have to put on the moves that let him know you want sex. 

DAPHNE 

I tried that. He thought I was having a seizure. 

ROZ 

You are just going to have to talk to him about it then. 

DAPHNE 

I know but I'm just worried we might ruin what we already have. Right now it's just so perfect, I've never experienced anything like this before. What if I don't live up to his expectations? I mean he's been fantasising about me for eight years. What if I don't live up to what he has in his head? 

ROZ 

That is never going to happen, because this time it will be real. Now I don't want to have you boss you around, but you are going to have sex with him whether you like it or not. 

DAPHNE 

Is that a direct order? 

ROZ 

Yes it is. Are you staying in tonight? 

DAPHNE 

Tonight we're having dinner in with Mr. Crane, tomorrow we're going out. 

ROZ 

Let's start with what you are going to wear. 

SFX: PHONE RINGING

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM 

FRASIER 

Hello. Deborah? Listen Deborah as flattered as I am by all this attention, I don't really think that's it's appropriate and I would appreciate it if you didn't call here any more. It has nothing to do with you personally. It's not you it's me. I'm sorry. Don't cry, please. No don't scream. 

HE PULLS THE PHONE AWAY FROM HIS EAR AS WE HEAR HER SCREAM THROUGH IT. HE THEN HANGS UP THE PHONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh my God. I've made her angry again. 

MARTIN 

Don't worry about it Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Don't worry about it? You saw what she did to that candy deliveryman. 

MARTIN 

What could she possibly do? She's tiny. 

FRASIER 

They said the same thing about Kathy Bates in Misery. Before I know it she's be keeping me locked up and hitting my feet with sledgehammers. 

MARTIN 

That's not going to happen. 

FRASIER 

Are you sure? 

MARTIN 

Sure I'm sure. She'd break her back from the strain if she even attempted to pick up a sledgehammer. She'd have to use a regular size hammer. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou, you've made me feel much better. 

MARTIN 

Calm down Frasier. If it goes on for much longer, you know what the guys at the station said, you get a restraining order, case closed. Very rarely do these things end with a decapitated head on the top of the Space Needle. 

FRASIER 

I need a cold drink. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND TAKES A SIP. NOTICING THE POT BOILING ON THE STOVE HE LIFTS THE LID TO TAKE A LOOK INSIDE. SHOCKED HE KNOCKS THE POT OFF THE STOVE SPILLING THE CONTENTS ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HE THEN SHOUTS WITH HORROR AND EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER RUNS FROM THE KITCHEN AND HIDES UNDER THE PIANO HUGGING HIS KNEES AND WHIMPERING 

MARTIN 

What the hell is the matter with you? 

ENTER ROZ AND DAPHNE

DAPHNE 

What was that bang? 

ROZ 

Frasier what are you doing under there? 

FRASIER 

If it's good enough for Niles it's good enough for me. 

DAPHNE WALKS TO THE KITCHEN, LOOKS INSIDE AND SEES THE MESS 

DAPHNE 

What the bloody hell has happened in here. 

FRASIER 

Deborah put a bunny, boiling in a pot on the stove. That was before I made her angry again. 

DAPHNE 

Oh you silly sod. I did that. 

ROZ 

You boiled a bunny? 

DAPHNE 

It's a ham joint. I've been cooking it all afternoon for dinner. Fat lot of good it is now. 

MARTIN 

How am I supposed to eat ham with these teeth? 

DAPHNE 

That's why I was going to do you ham soup. Looks as if you'll both be having that tonight. 

MARTIN 

Maybe we can still save it. 

MARTIN LOOKS THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR AND SEES EDDIE EATING THE HAM 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Then again maybe not. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

Ahh don't answer it. It's Deborah. 

DAPHNE 

Don't be daft. 

FRASIER 

I mean it no one is to answer that door. 

MARTIN 

We can't all stay in here forever. 

ROZ 

It's probably Niles at the door. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE 

DAPHNE 

Hello. It's Deborah on the phone. That means she's not at the door. So can we open it? 

FRASIER 

All right open it. Get that phone away from me. I'm not in. 

DAPHNE 

What do I say to her? 

FRASIER 

Tell her I've had a sex change and moved to Panama, when really I'll be playing the back end of a pantomime horse in Langkawi. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry he's not in. Bye. 

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS MARTIN ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER DEBORAH

DEBORAH 

Hello is Frasier home? 

AS FRASIER SCREAMS LIKE A TEA KETTLE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE 1901 — NIGHT — NIGHT/6   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Daphne) 

ROZ LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CORRIDOR AS FRASIER HIDES IN THE ELEVATOR 

ROZ 

Look the coast is clear. She's not here, will you please get out of the elevator? 

FRASIER 

Check around the corner. 

ROZ 

Oh for Pete's sake. There is no one here except a paranoid wack job and an extremely ticked off, soon to be late for her date producer. 

FRASIER 

Ring the doorbell and get the door open before I come out. 

ROZ RINGS THE DOORBELL AND NILES ANSWERS 

NILES 

Hi Roz. 

FRASIER 

Quick get out of my way. 

FRASIER RUNS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND INTO HIS APARTMENT KNOCKING ROZ AND NILES OUT OF HIS PATH 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS HIMSELF A SHERRY AS ROZ SHUTS THE DOOR. MARTIN IS AT THE TABLE AS NILES AND DAPHNE PUT ON THEIR COATS 

MARTIN 

For God's sake Frasier. She's gone. You haven't seen her for nearly a week now. 

DAPHNE 

Are you really surprised after he called her a bunny boiler and dragged her out of the apartment by her ankles? 

ROZ 

She's gone now Frasier. She's chosen someone else to shower with gifts. Someone who didn't put up wanted posters of her in his building. 

FRASIER 

I guess I am being a bit over the top. I haven't heard from her for a while. My life is back to normal. 

MARTIN 

That's my boy. Now relax. 

NILES 

Daphne are you ready? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

MARTIN 

Bye guys. 

NILES EXITS

DAPHNE 

See you tomorrow with any luck. 

MARTIN 

Pardon? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing. 

ROZ 

Daphne, you need to show more cleavage if you're going to push him in the right direction. 

DAPHNE 

If I showed anymore I'd get arrested for flashing. 

ROZ 

Good luck. 

DAPHNE EXITS

FRASIER 

Well I think I'm off to take a nice long soak in the tub. 

MARTIN 

OK 

FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM 

ROZ 

Hay Marty can I use your phone, let my date know I'm going to be a little late. 

MARTIN 

A hot date huh? 

ROZ 

Literally. He's showing me his private sauna at a health club. 

FRASIER LETS OUT A LONG LOUD SCREAM FROM HIS ROOM AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(J) 

TITLE CARD: 'SEX IN SEATTLE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/6   
(Daphne, Niles, Waitress, Frasier, Martin) 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AT A TABLE IN A VERY BUSY RESTAURANT 

DAPHNE 

Niles this place is wonderful. I feel bad for taking you to Pizza Hut last night. 

NILES 

Not as bad as I felt I'm sure. Daphne what's the matter? 

DAPHNE 

What do you mean? 

NILES 

You look ever so tense. Like you have something on your mind. 

DAPHNE 

Do I? 

NILES 

Daphne what's wrong? 

DAPHNE 

Niles we need to talk. 

NILES IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO HYPERVENTILATE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Calm down you plonker, I'm not breaking up with you. 

NILES 

But you said we need to talk, that usually means… 

DAPHNE 

Well it doesn't mean that tonight. God this is hard for me to say. I've been thinking about this for a long time now. This is so hard. I don't want it to ruin what we have. Right now this is the happiest I have ever been and I don't want to spoil that. Do you know what I mean? 

NILES 

I have no idea what you're talking about. 

DAPHNE 

I think it's time. 

NILES 

Time for what? 

NILES TAKES A SIP FROM A GLASS OF WATER 

DAPHNE 

Niles, I think it's time we had sex. 

NILES DOES A SPIT TAKE AND BARELY MISSES DAPHNE WITH THE WATER 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I said sex not a shower. 

NILES 

Now? 

DAPHNE 

No not now we're in a restaurant. 

NILES 

Are you sure? 

DAPHNE 

Of course I'm sure. We'd get arrested if we did it in the middle of here. 

NILES 

No, I mean sure that you're ready? 

DAPHNE 

Absolutely. 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Cheque please. 

ENTER WAITRESS

WAITRESS 

But Sir you haven't ordered yet. 

NILES 

Then it's saved you a job. 

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND UP AND GO TO LEAVE AS FRASIER ENTERS AND SITS AT THEIR TABLE 

FRASIER 

Niles, Daphne, thank God I've found you. 

NILES 

Frasier what are you doing here? 

FRASIER 

It's Deborah. 

DAPHNE 

Oh Dr. Crane for goodness sake. You should be flattered that you have such a devoted fan. 

FRASIER 

She's insane, she's obsessed. 

NILES 

Well no one's perfect. We were just leaving. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ATTEMPT TO LEAVE AGAIN WHEN MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN 

Frasier there you are. 

FRASIER 

Has she gone? 

MARTIN 

They took her down the station and Roz is waiting in for the locksmith. 

NILES 

Good that means you can go home, and we can leave. Bye. 

FRASIER 

I can't go back there tonight. 

DAPHNE 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

She broke into my apartment. She was sitting on my bed, sniffing my underwear. 

NILES 

So does Eddie. You're not scared of him. 

MARTIN 

Would anyone notice if I took my teeth out? 

NILES 

What? 

MARTIN 

I told you they don't fit properly. 

DAPHNE 

Mr. Crane leave your teeth where they are, Dr. Crane go home, Niles come with me. 

NILES 

Yes Ma'am. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN GO TO LEAVE 

FRASIER 

Where are you going? 

NILES 

To my place. 

FRASIER 

Good I'll come with you. 

DAPHNE 

Why would you want to do a crazy thing like that? 

FRASIER 

I told you. I'm not going home tonight. Niles can I stop at your place tonight? 

NILES 

Frasier, we were… of course you can Frasier. 

DAPHNE PLONKS HERSELF BACK DOWN IN HER SEAT AND PICKS UP HER MENU 

DAPHNE 

I suppose we can order then. 

MARTIN 

I thought you two were just leaving. 

NILES 

We were. We were going elsewhere for desert, but we'll have to do that another night. 

AS THEY LOOK OVER THE MENU WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 


	9. Episode Nine

_I don't own any of these characters. They belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. _

_For Elaine, Charlotte and Crofty for their continued and much appreciated support. _

_Enjoy… _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Nine   
Elliott Bay Towers Knocking Shops Ltd. 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'BRIEF ENCOUNTER' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/1   
(Roz, Frasier, Elaine) 

ROZ AND FRASIER SIT DRINKING COFFEE 

ROZ 

So then he tells me that he has a doctors appointment. Which normally I'd believe but the story that he told me forced me follow him. It had me convinced he was seeing someone else. 

FRASIER 

So? People do have doctor's appointments. What could he possibly say that possessed you to follow him? 

ROZ 

He said he has having a heart and lung transplant. That's why I wasn't going to be able to see him for a couple of weeks, not because he was going to Hawaii with a twenty-year-old blond. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see. Are you honestly surprised that he went off with someone that age? 

ROZ 

What's that supposed to mean? Was that some sort of crack about my age. Because if we're going to start that, you're the one who's pushing fifty not me. 

FRASIER 

I'm not saying anything about your age. But Todd was nineteen. Deep down are you surprised that he ran off with someone nearer to his own age? 

ROZ 

I guess not. But the restraining order he's got out against me is a bit much. 

FRASIER 

You followed him everywhere for a week, with a pair of binoculars and a camera. There was no other interpretation for him or the judge to arrive at. 

ROZ 

I could have been bird watching. 

FRASIER 

You could have been committed, just think yourself lucky. Well I'm off, I'm going to the wine club with Niles tonight. It's going to be nice, just the two of us. I don't get much chance to spend time with him on his own anymore. 

ROZ 

You have a problem with Niles and Daphne? 

FRASIER 

Not at all. I just miss our boy's nights out that's all. Going to the Opera, enjoying vertical tastings, attending oboe recitals. 

ROZ 

You guys certainly know how to let loose and party. 

FRASIER 

It'll be nice to spend an evening without a woman being attached to any lips. 

FRASIER GETS UP TO LEAVE. ELAINE ENTERS, LOOKS BEHIND HER, JUMPS, AND THEN GRABS FRASIER FACE AND KISSES HIM. SHE PULLS AWAY AND LOOKS BEHIND HER AS FRASIER LOOKS COMPLETELY STUNNED. ELAINE THEN KISSES HIM AGAIN AND TURNS THEN BOTH AROUND SO THAT SHE CAN SEE OUT OF THE DOOR OVER HIS SHOULDER. SHE THEN BREAKS AND SMILES AT HIM. 

ELAINE 

Sorry about that. Bye. 

ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE 

FRASIER 

Wait a second. You can't just ram your tongue down my throat and then just take off, this is not France. 

ELAINE 

I'm sorry. Do you want paying? All I have is a dollar. 

FRASIER 

No, I don't want paying. I'd like to know who you are. 

ELAINE 

I'm sorry, Elaine Matthews. 

FRASIER 

I'm Frasier Crane. 

ELAINE 

Nice to meet you. You have very clean teeth. Well, bye. 

SHE GOES TO LEAVE AGAIN 

FRASIER 

Wait, wait. Don't I deserve some sort of an explanation? 

ELAINE 

I guess so. I felt how clean your teeth were when I kissed you. I haven't been looking in your bathroom with a telescope to check out your brushing technique. 

FRASIER 

I meant why you kissed me. 

ELAINE 

Oh right. I guess that seemed pretty odd. Although I bet it happens a lot to a good-looking guy like you. 

FRASIER 

Not as often as you'd expect. 

ELAINE 

I saw someone that I didn't want to see me. And I saw you and the idea came into my head and that was it. 

FRASIER 

Who did you see? Your husband? 

ELAINE 

Hell no, he's well out of the picture. 

FRASIER 

An old boyfriend then? 

ELAINE 

Erm yeah OK. I'll go with that, it sounds good. Look I'm really going to have to go. 

FRASIER 

Would you like to have coffee tomorrow? 

ELAINE 

Sure. OK. 

FRASIER 

OK. 

ELAINE 

Here's my number. Call me. 

SHE GIVES HIM HER CARD BEFORE SHE HEADS FOR THE DOOR AS FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN WITH ROZ. UNSEEN BY ROZ AND FRASIER, ELAINE GRABS A HAT AND AN OVERCOAT FROM THE RACK AND PUTS THEM ON AS SHE EXITS

FRASIER 

Can you believe that? 

ROZ 

I can't believe you asked her out. 

FRASIER 

Why not she seemed a perfectly nice woman. 

ROZ 

It doesn't bother you that she just walked up to a perfect stranger and made out with them? 

FRASIER 

Not at all, she choose me. 

ROZ 

Well I guess we all make rash decisions on the spur of the moment. 

AS FRASIER STARES AT THE CARD HE HAS BEEN GIVEN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Elaine) 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH, MARTIN IN HIS CHAIR AS FRASIER STANDS BEFORE THEM LIKE A TEACHER 

FRASIER 

Now I want you to be perfectly honest with me about her. Say hi, get a general impression of her and then off you go. 

MARTIN 

We get it Frasier, we'll clear out, like we've done the last twice you've seen this woman. 

FRASIER 

This woman? Her name is Elaine. You speak as if I just picked her up randomly off the street. 

NILES 

When actually she picked you at random. It was a toss up between you and the guy who sits in Nervosa and combs his hamster. 

DAPHNE 

Have they let Burt out then? 

NILES 

Last week. 

FRASIER 

I just really like this woman and it may be a little unconventional the way we met but I really think this could go somewhere. And with the way my love life's been going, this is just the boost I need. 

MARTIN 

I'll say. I'm beginning to think I'll never get you remarried and out of this house. 

FRASIER 

May I remind you that this is my place. 

MARTIN 

You say potato, I say _potato_. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

There she is. Are you all ready? 

ELAINE 

(THROUGH THE DOOR) Frasier will you open up the door, I'm kind of naked out here. 

MARTIN GIVES FRASIER THE THUMBS UP AS NILES SMILES 

MARTIN 

I like her already. 

DAPHNE 

(TO NILES) And you can wipe that goofy grin off your face. 

ELAINE 

(THROUGH THE DOOR) Let me in. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ELAINE ENTERS WEARING A BIG OVERCOAT, A HAT AND SUNGLASSES. SHE TURNS AROUND TO FACE FRASIER 

FRASIER 

You're not naked. 

ELAINE 

Neither are you. Although we can change that if you want. 

MARTIN COUGHS AS ELAINE TURNS AROUND, SEES THEM AND LOOKS HORRIFIED 

FRASIER 

Elaine may I introduce you to the household. 

ELAINE 

Oh look, there are people here. Lucky for me I didn't say anything embarrassing. 

SHE TAKES OFF HER HAT AND GLASSES 

FRASIER 

Elaine this is my father Martin, my brother Niles and his girlfriend Daphne. 

ELAINE 

Hi how are you. Just ignore the whole naked thing. It was just a joke. Although when you use it, you get your pizza delivered a lot quicker. 

MARTIN 

I'll have to remember that. 

DAPHNE 

So Elaine what do you do? 

ELAINE 

I'm in the jewelry trade. 

NILES 

You sell jewelry? 

ELAINE 

I'm more on the acquisition side of the business. I acquire the gemstones my partner sells them. 

MARTIN POINTS AT THE TELEVISION THAT HAS BEEN PLAYING WITHOUT SOUND 

MARTIN 

Hay look it's that jewelry robbery on the news again. This one person stole nearly three million dollars worth. 

ELAINE RUNS TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION SCREEN 

ELAINE 

Do we really need the TV on? 

FRASIER 

I couldn't agree more. 

FRASIER SWITCHES IT OFF 

ELAINE 

So Martin what do you do? 

MARTIN 

I'm retired. I was a Policeman. 

ELAINE SUDDENLY BECOMES VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND GRABS FRASIER'S ARM AND LEADS HIM TO THE FRONT FOOR 

ELAINE 

Really? Well that's great. Frasier we really should get going. 

FRASIER 

But I thought we were going to eat here. 

ELAINE 

Yes, but the fun goes out of life unless you're spontaneous. 

FRASIER 

At least come and look at the view first. It's beautiful at night, you've only seen it in the day. 

ELAINE 

All right but quickly. 

SHE RUSHES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. THE SOUND OF POLICE CAR SIRENS CAN BE HEARD. STARTLED SHE SLAMS THE DOOR AND TURNS TO FRASIER 

ELAINE 

Well that was fun. Let's have a change of plan again. Let's just hide out in your room for a while. 

FRASIER 

You mean hang out? 

ELAINE 

What did I just say? Hide out? That was a slip of the tongue. 

FRASIER 

Well if you come to my room you can have another slip of the tongue. We can recreate our first meeting. 

ELAINE 

OK of course. And we'll hang out, not hide. I have nothing to hide. 

FRASIER AND ELAINE EXIT TO FRASIER'S ROOM 

DAPHNE 

(TO NILES) I guess it's all on how you look at things. If you'd have said something like that it would have been adorable, but when your brother says it, it's… 

MARTIN 

Horny and pathetic. 

DAPHNE 

Years ago Steven went out with a woman who was in the jewelry business. She worked in the factory where they made those plastic rings that you get in Christmas crackers. She bought us a free box around that year. Mind you I only remember that Christmas so well because it was the year that Simon got his foot stuck down the toilet. We had to have Christmas dinner in the bathroom so that he didn't feel left out. To this day whenever I smell Toilet Duck I have a craving for turkey. 

NILES 

Anyway, she seemed interesting. 

MARTIN 

If by interesting you mean weird. I agree. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN WAITS TO SPEAK UNTIL SHE IS OUT OF HEARING DISTANCE 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

And I wasn't just talking about Elaine. 

AS MARTIN TURNS THE TELEVISION BACK ON WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Niles, Waitress, Elaine, Roz, Policemen) 

FRASIER IS SEATED IN THE CENTRE OF THE CAFÉ WHEN NILES ENTERS

NILES 

Hi Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Hello Niles. Won't you join me? 

NILES 

Yes, just a second. 

HE PUTS HIS HANDS AROUND HIS BACK AND TRIES TO DO-UP HIS SUSPENDERS 

FRASIER 

What are you doing? 

NILES 

My suspenders came undone. It's a good job I had my jacket on, I could have had an eye out. (TO WAITRESS) Can I have a latte please? 

FRASIER 

I can't talk for too long, I'm meeting Elaine. I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air she is. She has well and truly stolen my heart. 

NILES 

That's very nice Frasier, but aren't you going to ask? 

FRASIER 

Ask what? 

NILES 

Why I'm grinning. 

FRASIER 

I didn't realise you were. 

NILES 

If I grinned anymore my face would crack. Aren't you going to ask why? 

FRASIER 

Oh all right Niles I'll ask. Why are you grinning? 

NILES 

Tonight's the night Frasier. 

FRASIER 

For what? 

NILES 

For Daphne and I to, you know. 

FRASIER 

No I don't. 

NILES 

Oh come on you know. 

FRASIER 

Honestly I don't. 

NILES 

Do I have to spell it out to you? You know. 

FRASIER 

Just tell me, it would be a lot simpler. 

WAITRESS GIVES NILES HIS COFFEE 

WAITRESS 

He means they're going to have sex. 

NILES 

Yes, thankyou very much, now run along. 

FRASIER 

Suddenly I've been put off my biscotti. 

NILES 

I've got everything ready over at my place. Champagne, candles, music. I'm even wearing my quick release suspenders. 

FRASIER 

How wonderful. You can make your trousers fall down at will. A feature that I'm sure Daphne will be charmed by. 

ENTER ELAINE ONCE AGAIN COVERED UP BY LOTS OF CLOTHES 

ELAINE 

Frasier hi. 

NILES GOES TO MOVE 

NILES 

Here take my seat, I'll move. 

ELAINE 

No it's OK. I feel too much on show here. Let's go and sit in that little dark corner over there by the back exit. 

FRASIER 

But it has a funny smell over there. Like something died under the floorboards somewhere near the dawn of time. 

ELAINE 

I think it's sexy. 

NILES 

Then you're going to love the damp in the walls and the stained seat covers that we live in hope are from coffee spillage's. 

ELAINE DRAGS FRASIER OFF TO SIT AT THE BACK AS ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH NILES 

ROZ 

Hi Niles. Why are you grinning like a Cheshire cat? 

NILES 

I don't really think I should discuss it with you. It's of a private nature. 

WAITRESS WALKS PASSED 

WAITRESS 

Why not you discussed it with me. 

NILES 

No you over heard and commented on it. 

WAITRESS 

There's a difference? 

NILES 

And off you go. 

ROZ 

No wait if he won't tell me, will you? 

WAITRESS 

He's going to boink with his girlfriend tonight. 

ROZ 

No way. Tonight? Does Daphne know about this? 

NILES 

I thought I'd surprise with it tomorrow after breakfast. 'By the way Daphne did you recognise what we did last night?' Of course she knows about it. 

ROZ 

And you're certain it's tonight? 

NILES 

Well we haven't signed an agreement, but I'm pretty certain. To tell you the truth I'm a little nervous. 

ROZ 

Nervous about what? You've done it before. 

NILES 

I know but it's our first time together and what if I don't… 

ROZ 

Rise to the occasion? I've got something you can take for that. 

NILES 

No. Although? (THINKS) No. What if I don't live up to my predecessors? 

ROZ 

Trust me, I dated Donny. He'd find a ninety-year-old celibate priest stiff competition. 

NILES 

It's been a while as well. 

ROZ 

That's a good point. You be careful you don't have her eye out. 

NILES 

These comments aren't actually easing my nerves at all. 

ROZ 

Oh come on Niles its not that big a deal. Once you get started you'll remember where everything goes. 

NILES 

What advice did I expect off a woman whose record is knowing a man ten minutes before sleeping with him. 

ROZ 

What's your point? 

NILES 

We've known each other eight years. They spent less time waiting for World War Two to end then I have for this moment. 

ROZ 

Hay I've got an idea. 

ROZ GOES TO SPEAK BUT SEES THE WAITRESS TRYING TO LISTEN AGAIN. SHE THEN LEANS FORWARD AND WHISPERS IN NILES' EAR. HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION QUICKLY TURNS TO ONE OF DISGUST. 

NILES 

Oh my God Roz! 

ROZ 

You'll say bye-bye to your nerves. 

NILES 

But it's illegal in twenty states. 

ROZ 

Not in this one. 

NILES 

Even so Roz, some things are best left for the imagination. 

ROZ 

Oh I didn't imagine that. It actually happened. 

NILES' FACIAL EXPRESSION ONCE AGAIN TURNS TO ONE OF DISGUST AS WE SEE THE BACK OF HIS JACKET JERK AS HIS SUSPENDERS COME UN-DONE AGAIN. AS NILES ATTEMPTS TO FASTEN THEM AGAIN, ENTER TWO POLICEMEN WHO ORDER COFFEE. ELAINE IMMEDIATELY SPOTS THEM AND BEGINS TO PANIC 

ELAINE 

Oh look at the time we must be running. 

FRASIER 

Where to? We just got here. 

SHE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Why are we still here? 

THEY GO TO EXIT AS THE POLICEMEN TURN TO EXIT. ELAINE GRABS FRASIER AND KISSES HIM UNTIL THE POLICE EXIT. THIS ONCE AGAIN LEAVES FRASIER STUNNED AS ELAINE EXITS

ELAINE 

On second thoughts I'd better take a rain check. Call you later. 

AS FRASIER STARES AFTER HER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'I HAVE OFTEN WALKED DOWN THIS STREET BEFORE…' 

FADE IN: 

EXT. STREET CORNER — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Elaine) 

FRASIER WALKS DOWN THE STREET WITH A BAG FROM THE WINE SHOP AND SPOTS ELAINE WHO IS STANDING ON THE CORNER, NEXT TO A PARKED CAR, COVERED UP AS USUAL, CONTINUALLY LOOKING AT HER WATCH AND HOLDING A LARGE DUFFEL BAG 

FRASIER 

Elaine hi. 

ELAINE 

Oh my God Frasier. What are you doing here? 

FRASIER 

I just went to the wine shop, they called and told me that they had a particularly rare bottle… 

ELAINE 

Listen Frasier I'd love to be board by this now, but I'm afraid it will have to be some other time. 

FRASIER 

What's the hurry? 

ELAINE 

Frasier I'm working. 

FRASIER 

What work could you possibly be doing on a street corner? Oh my God, I can't end up on the front of the papers again, they'll pull out that kinky shrink headline again. 

ELAINE 

Frasier I'm not a prostitute. 

FRASIER 

Of course not, what do they call them these days? 

ELAINE 

Lawyers? 

FRASIER 

No escorts. 

ELAINE 

Frasier I told you the truth when I said I was in the jewelry trade. 

FRASIER 

Then what are you doing here? 

ELAINE 

I told you I'm working. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sorry but you don't always see jewelry vendors on street corners, unless of course they are about to take over the hot dog racket. 

ELAINE 

I don't have time for this now. I'm explain in a minute. Wait in the car, I'll be back and I don't mean that to sound at all Terminatory. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELAINE'S CAR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS IN THE CAR AND WAITS. AFTER A MOMENT HE TURNS THE KEY IN THE ENGINE TO PUT THE RADIO ON. THE NEWS IS BEING BROADCAST 

BROADCASTER 

None of the racoons were hurt in the incident and they are all to be returned to the wild when their fur grows back. The Police have finally released a description of the woman wanted in connection with several jewelry store robberies in the Seattle area. She is described as Caucasian in her early thirties, around 5 feet 6 inches tall, with brown hair and brown eyes and is of average build. Police say that she is armed and should be considered dangerous. 

FRASIER BEGINS TO REGISTER THIS INFORMATION AS THE DESCRIPTION MATCHES ELAINE EXACTLY AND SUDDENLY HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AT THE THOUGHT AS HE TURNS THE RADIO OFF 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. No, no, don't be ridiculous. 

SFX: GUN SHOT AS FRASIER CRINGES 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Please let that be a car back firing. 

ENTER ELAINE WHO GETS IN THE DRIVERS SIDE OF THE CAR AND STARTS THE ENGINE 

ELAINE 

Frasier hold this. 

SHE DROPS A LARGE BAG ON HIS LAP AS SHE STARTS TO DRIVE 

SFX: STORE ALARM

ELAINE (CONT'D) 

I'm all done now, do you want to go out for a bite to eat? 

ON FRASIER'S HORRIFIED LOOK AS THEY DRIVE OFF WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: 'NAKED EXCEPT FOR THE OVEN MITS' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Leo, Martin, Mike, Dan, Daphne, Frasier, Elaine, Roz) 

MARTIN, LEO, MIKE AND DAN SIT AROUND THE TABLE PLAYING POKER 

LEO 

If you look at it logically and they had turned out to be football players, I think Frasier would have been the better player. 

MARTIN 

You're only saying that because he's bigger. 

LEO 

That adds to it, but I just think he would have been better. He would have had a football brain. 

MIKE 

But Niles is small. He could run through the legs of the defence. Frasier could never do that. 

DAN 

Imagine having your sons playing on the same professional football team. 

LEO 

Imagine them winning the Superbowl. 

DAN 

Then they dedicate it to you on National Television. 

MIKE 

This is for you, Martin Crane, our Dad. 

MARTIN 

Haven't you guys depressed me enough for one evening? 

LEO 

The more miserable you get, the more casual you get holding your cards. We'll move onto Baseball next. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Hello fella's. Who's winning? 

DAN 

Whichever lucky guys going to be going out tonight with you in that dress. 

DAPHNE 

Do you like it? 

DAN 

Yes Ma'am. 

MARTIN 

It's not your colour Dan, deal. Besides you wouldn't get matching shoes in your size. 

DAPHNE 

Why not? My Uncle does. 

LEO 

So who are going out with? 

DAPHNE 

Niles. 

LEO, DAN AND MIKE ALL LAUGH 

MIKE 

No seriously who? 

MARTIN 

Niles. 

LEO 

You're dating Niles? Martin's son? 

DAPHNE 

That's right. 

MARTIN 

What's the matter with you guys I told you this. 

DAN 

We thought you were drunk. 

MIKE 

Why did you think we took your beer off you? 

ENTER FRASIER DRAGGING ELAINE THROUGH THE DOOR IN ONE HAND AND HOLDING THE BAG IN THE OTHER 

FRASIER 

Quick get in here. 

ELAINE 

Frasier I'm sorry. 

MARTIN 

Hi guys. I didn't know you were seeing each other again today. 

ELAINE 

We just ran into each other. (SOTTO TO FRASIER) Your father's here I have to leave. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

ELAINE 

He's a Policeman with a stick. 

FRASIER 

It's a cane, he needs it to move around. He's as harmless as you are. OK bad example. 

ELAINE 

He can still club me with it. I can't stay here in a room with a Policeman. 

FRASIER 

I've got news for you, you're in a room with four Policemen. 

ELAINE 

I've got to get out of here. 

FRASIER 

Don't you think it's going to look a little suspicious if we just take off? 

LEO 

She's a looker. I'm feeling less sorry for your boys by the second. 

MARTIN 

Really? 

DAN 

We still feel sorry for you though Marty. She's hot. I wouldn't mind interrogating her though. 

ELAINE 

Interrogate me for what? I haven't done anything. What is it with you cops? If you're not trying to strip-search me one minute, you're trying to pin every murder and robbery on me that's ever happened in the Washington State area. 

DAN 

I was making a joke. I just thought you were hot. 

ELAINE 

And once again I was joking. You see I do that. Ask Martin about answering the door naked in front of the pizza deliveryman. 

LEO 

Marty you answer the door naked? 

DAN 

And the pizza deliveryman saw you? 

MARTIN 

No. 

LEO 

That happened to me once. 

DAPHNE 

You answered the door naked? That's not a pretty image. 

LEO 

No, this broad did. I was selling piano's door to door before I became a cop. 

DAN 

My nephews a pizza deliveryman, please tell me it wasn't him who saw you. 

MARTIN 

No one saw me. 

MIKE 

Remind to always call before I come over. 

MARTIN 

No one saw me because it didn't happen. 

FRASIER 

As intelligent as this conversation has been, I really need to talk to Elaine alone. 

FRASIER TRIES TO LEAD ELAINE TO HIS ROOM 

DAPHNE 

I love that hat. 

ELAINE 

Thankyou Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

You're always very well covered up when out doors aren't you? 

FRASIER 

You never can be too careful with that pesky old skin cancer. 

DAPHNE 

But it's night time. 

ELAINE 

You never can be too careful. Somewhere in the world the sun's up. 

FRASIER AGAIN TRIES TO LEAD HER TO HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

And off we go. 

ELAINE 

Frasier don't forget the bag with the cookie's in. 

FRASIER 

Cookie's? Oh yes the cookie's, I'll just get them. 

FRASIER GOES BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PICKS UP THE BAG 

MARTIN 

Can we try one? 

ELAINE 

I don't think you'd like them Martin. 

MARTIN 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

They are a… 

ELAINE 

Beef and Lamb based cookie company. Each one tastes of different meat. 

DAPHNE 

How frightening. 

MARTIN 

How can you say that with some of the things you cook? Can we try one? 

FRASIER 

Well Dad you see… 

ELAINE 

Oh course you can. 

FRASIER 

Elaine what are you doing? 

ELAINE 

Just giving them a cookie. 

SHE TAKES THE BAG OFF FRASIER, HOLDS OPEN THE BAG AND THEN SNEEZES INTO IT 

ELAINE (CONT'D) 

Oh dear I've sneeze on them, and me with that infectious… 

FRASIER 

Ebola virus going round. Best lie down in my room. 

FRASIER AND ELAINE EXIT

MARTIN 

I'm still sticking with weird. 

DAPHNE 

The way she covers herself up it's like Lilith mark two. 

MARTIN 

Now you know why I keep a gun in the house. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN 

It's open. 

ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

Hi guys, sorry I'm late but I had babysitting problems. 

DAN 

What sort of problems? 

ROZ 

She was deported. 

LEO 

Don't lie to us Roz. You've spent all this time spraying yourself with stud repellent haven't you? 

ROZ 

I have Leo and it must have worked. There's not a stud in sight and I'm here with you four. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN WITH A PLATE OF HOTDOGS THAT SHE PUTS ON THE TABLE 

DAPHNE 

Hello Roz. 

ROZ 

Hi Daphne. Wow great dress. 

DAPHNE 

Thankyou. 

EXIT DAPHNE TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

So Roz deal you in. 

ROZ 

Yeah I just need a second. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE IS MESSING IN THE FRIDGE AS ROZ ENTERS

ROZ (CONT'D) 

So Daphne, where are you off to? 

DAPHNE 

I'm going over to Niles' place. 

ROZ 

Really? And tonight's the night huh? 

DAPHNE 

How did you know that? He can't keep his mouth shut for a minute can he? 

ROZ 

Calm down it wasn't Niles who told me it was a waitress at Nervosa. 

DAPHNE 

What? He told her? 

ROZ 

No she just overheard when he was telling Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

I don't believe this. Is there anyone who doesn't know? 

ROZ 

Marty and his friends don't know. 

DAN 

(SHOUTS) We do now. 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTS) You guys have got to learn to talk quieter. 

DAPHNE 

Wonderful! If I wasn't nervous enough before, now I feel as if we'll have an audience. 

ROZ 

Wait what have you got to be nervous about? 

DAPHNE 

There has been so much build up, what if I'm a big let down. I just can't find a way to calm down. 

DAPHNE TAKES A BITE FROM A HOTDOG 

ROZ 

First of all there will be no let down and second of all the way to get rid of nerves is not by stuffing your face. The path to calm seas lies at the bottom of an empty scotch bottle. 

ROZ POURS DAPHNE A SHOT OF SCOTCH 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Now back away from the hotdog and drink this. 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTS) Roz are you playing? 

ROZ 

I'm coming. Now calm down everything will be fine. 

ROZ EXITS AS DAPHNE KNOCKS THE DRINK BACK AND POURS ANOTHER SMALL ONE, WHICH SHE ALSO DRINKS IN ONE. THEN SHE FILLS THE GLASS TO THE TOP AND STARTS TO DRINK 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN 

Is she all right? 

ROZ 

Yeah, she's just having a stiff one. 

MIKE 

Really, I didn't know Niles was here yet. 

THEY ALL LAUGH 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ELAINE IS ON THE PHONE AS FRASIER PACES THE FLOOR 

ELAINE 

(ON PHONE) I'll drop the cookies round to you first thing in the morning. OK, see you then. (TO FRASIER) What is the matter with you? 

FRASIER 

What's the matter with me? 

ELAINE 

That's right. The Ebola virus? You're supposed to be the intelligent one. Ok we're going have to hide out here for a while until they've gone then you can come back to my place. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? Don't you think we need to have a talk first before we do anything? 

ELAINE 

To be honest Frasier I'm not really into all that dirty talk. I'd rather just do it. 

FRASIER 

I meant talk about what happened today. 

ELAINE 

Do we have to? 

FRASIER 

Yes we do. You lied to me. 

ELAINE 

When? 

FRASIER 

You said you were in gem stone acquisition. 

ELAINE 

I am. 

FRASIER 

I thought you meant you acquired them at auction, not at gunpoint. 

ELAINE 

Don't get in a tizzy about it Frasier. 

FRASIER 

I think I have every right to get into a tizzy about this. After all I am an accessory to this crime. 

ELAINE 

No you're not. 

FRASIER 

Yes I am, I was sitting in the getaway car. 

ELAINE 

Exactly, you were sitting in it that doesn't make you involved. 

FRASIER 

I don't think the jury will see it that way. I can't go to prison. Do you have any idea how long a pretty boy like me will last in there? I have such delicate features. 

ELAINE 

(SEDUCTIVELY) I see why you're upset. Was this your first felony? 

SHE KISSES HIM 

FRASIER 

Not at all. I J-walk all the time. 

THEY KISS, BEFORE HE PULLS AWAY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What am I doing? I can't have a relationship with you now. 

ELAINE 

Are you telling me to leave? 

FRASIER 

I'm telling you to take this lot back. 

ELAINE 

Are you joking? Do you have any idea what I'll get for this bag of goodies? 

FRASIER 

Ten to twelve years probably. 

A BEAT 

ELAINE 

Oh that was your point. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Elaine but this relationship has come to an end. 

ELAINE 

But why Frasier. 

FRASIER 

I am a respected radio personality, celebrity and most of all a doctor. I can't associate with a fugitive of the law. 

ELAINE 

It sounds so sexy when you say it like that. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Elaine, but no. 

ELAINE 

It's a pity. 

FRASIER 

Yes it is. I thought we had something. I'll miss you. 

ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE BUT THEN STOPS 

ELAINE 

Well goodbye. Although have you ever heard the phrase once more for old times sake? 

FRASIER 

No I haven't. 

ELAINE 

Shame. 

ELAINE GOES TO LEAVE 

FRASIER 

Although now I have. 

AS THEY KISS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Niles, Daphne) 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN A BUCKET AND TWO GLASSES 

NILES 

Where's my jacket? Upstairs, I'll get it in a minute. 

HE TAKES OUT A FIRE LIGHTER AND LIGHTS CANDLES THAT ARE PLACED ABOUT THE ROOM. HE THEN GOES TO THE FIRE AND TRIES TO LIGHT IT. IT WON'T SET ALIGHT, SO HE KEEPS TURNING UP THE GAS AND TRYING AGAIN. HE TURNS THE GAS UP SO MUCH THAT WHEN THE FIRE DOES LIGHT, IT DOES SO WITH SUCH FEROCITY THAT IT CAUSES NILES TO JUMP BACK WITH FRIGHT AND SPRAWL ACROSS THE FLOOR. 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Please let me have two eyebrows. 

HE FEELS HIS FACE AND THEN LETS OUT A SIGH OF RELIEF 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Ah good. Hair slightly singed, but we can't have everything. What's next? Music. 

HE WALKS OVER TO THE STEREO AND PUTS IN A CD. HE PRESSES PLAY AND WE HEAR THE HUMMING CHORUS FROM MADAME BUTTERFLY 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Perfect. 

HE THEN WALKS OVER TO THE CHAMPAGNE AND AFTER MUCH STRUGGLING MANAGES TO PULL THE CORK OUT, WHICH GOES FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM. HE PUTS THE BOTTLE BACK IN THE BUCKET AND THEN BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP THE CORK. HE THEN GOES TO GO UP THE STAIRS TO RETRIEVE HIS JACKET. BEFORE HE CAN REACH THE FIRST STEP HIS SUSPENDERS FLY UNDONE AGAIN AND THE BACK FLINGS OVER HIS HEAD AND THE METAL CLASP HITS HIM IN THE CROTCH. HE DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN 

SFX: DOORBELL

NILES (CONT'D) 

(HIS VOICE HIGHER THAN NORMAL) Coming. 

HE BATTLES TO DO-UP HIS SUSPENDERS AND THEN SOMEWHAT AWKWARDLY MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR, HOLDING ON TO THE FAINTING COUCH FOR SUPPORT. WHEN HE REACHES THE DOOR, HE COMPOSES HIMSELF AND OPENS IT. ENTER DAPHNE

NILES (CONT'D) 

Hello my love. 

DAPHNE 

Niles! What are you doing here? 

NILES 

I live here. 

DAPHNE 

Am I at the Montana then? 

NILES 

Yes. Are you all right? 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine. 

NILES 

Then in you come, don't stand outside all night. 

DAPHNE STAGGERS IN AND TRIPS OVER HER OWN FEET. NILES IS CLOSE ENOUGH TO CATCH HER 

DAPHNE 

Clumsy me. I think I'd better sit down. 

DAPHNE PLONKS HERSELF DOWN ON THE FAINTING COUCH WITH A THUD 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

That's better. Ooh Champagne. 

NILES 

Let me pour you a glass. 

BEFORE NILES CAN REACH IT DAPHNE PULLS THE BOTTLE OUT OF THE BUCKET AND BEGINS TO DRINK FROM IT AS NILES SITS BESIDE HER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne have you been drinking? 

DAPHNE 

Of course you just saw me do it. 

NILES 

No I meant before you came here. 

DAPHNE 

Just a little one to help steady the nerves. Which by the way I'm not nervous anymore. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

NILES 

Daphne you're drunk. 

DAPHNE 

I am not. Do you think I'd drive here if I was drunk? 

NILES 

You drove here? 

DAPHNE 

Yes I did. 

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN 

NILES 

Where did you leave your car? 

DAPHNE 

In the hedge by the park. 

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

But enough about the car. That's not the reason I'm here. 

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN 

NILES 

Yeah I know Daphne, but you're drunk, and it wouldn't be right. 

DAPHNE 

Why not. 

NILES 

Well for starters it would be nice if both of us could remember it in the morning. 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine. 

NILES 

No Daphne you're not. And I am first and foremost a gentleman and I can't take advantage of you like this. Although God I want to. 

DAPHNE 

Exactly. 

THEY KISS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Nope I can't. How about I get you some coffee? 

DAPHNE 

I told you I'm fine. Niles there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. 

SHE LEANS ACROSS TO KISS HIM AGAIN, BUT BEFORE SHE CAN MAKE CONTACT SHE PASSES OUT. HER HEAD SLIDES DOWN NILES' BODY AND SHE LANDS WITH HER FACE IN HIS LAP 

NILES 

Daphne! Daphne! 

HE POKES HER BUT THERE IS NO MOVEMENT. 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Perfect! 

NILES THEN SIGHS AND GRABS THE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND DRINKS FROM IT AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles) 

MARTIN IS SITTING EATING BREAKFAST AND READING THE PAPER AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

Morning Dad. 

MARTIN 

Hiya Frasier. Where's Elaine? 

FRASIER 

She left after you'd gone to bed last night. We broke up last night. 

MARTIN 

I'm sorry to hear that Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Thanks Dad. 

MARTIN 

Although I was also sorry to hear that she was a wanted criminal in four states. 

FRASIER 

You know about that? 

MARTIN 

I may have retired from the force but my brain didn't retired with it. 

FRASIER 

How did you work it out? 

MARTIN 

I can't take all the credit, she's on the front page of the paper. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear God. 

MARTIN 

A security camera got a snap of her yesterday in the getaway car. They have no idea who the fat chick waiting in the car for her is though. 

FRASIER 

Let me see that. 

MARTIN 

You don't know who it is do you? 

FRASIER 

More to the point do you know who it is? 

MARTIN 

Just a really fat, plug ugly chick. 

FRASIER 

In that case, no I don't. Where's Daphne this morning? 

MARTIN 

She didn't come home. 

FRASIER 

My God have you called the Police. 

MARTIN 

I didn't think I should baring in mind who you had in your room last night. 

FRASIER 

That doesn't matter, I wonder where she could be. 

MARTIN 

She went over to Niles'. Has the penny dropped yet? 

FRASIER 

Oh of course you know, I completely forgot. 

THE SOUND OF A KEY IN THE DOOR CAN BE HEARD 

MARTIN 

Shush she's home. 

ENTER DAPHNE

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Hiya Daphne. 

DAPHNE RUNS STRAIGHT INTO THE TOILET AND SLAMS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS

NILES 

Morning. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter with Daphne? 

NILES 

She has a bad hangover. 

MARTIN 

So how did things go last night? 

NILES 

Wonderful. Daphne apparently was a little nervous before she came over to mine and had a little drink, which led to a big one. She was so drunk by the time she reached my place, she passed out and landed with her head in my lap. 

FRASIER 

It's progress at least. 

NILES 

I had to drive her back because I couldn't reverse her car out of the hedge where she'd parked it. I've had to call the Auto club to remove it. Which has resulted in my need to have my car serviced and possibly reupholstered. 

DAPHNE 

(FROM BATHROOM) Niles! 

NILES 

I'm coming honey. 

DAPHNE 

(F.B) Don't open the door I look a right state. 

NILES 

How am I supposed to help you if I can't open the door? 

DAPHNE 

(F.B) All right come in, but shut your eyes. 

NILES SHUTS HIS EYES AND OPENS THE DOOR AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

(F.B) What's all over the floor? 

DAPHNE 

(F.B) Be careful Niles it's slippy. 

NILES SHUTS THE DOOR, WHICH IS THEN FOLLOWED BY A LOUD THUD FROM THE BATHROOM 

MARTIN 

What are you smiling at? 

FRASIER 

I was just thinking. How much better off I am than Niles. 

MARTIN 

How do you work that out? 

FRASIER 

So what if my girlfriend turned out to be a wanted criminal and we've now broken up because of it. At least I had sex last night. 

AS FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 


	10. Episode Ten

_I don't own any of these characters. The sole rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. _

_Remember feedback is not a crime. _

_Enjoy… _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Ten   
It'll Happen One Night 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/1   
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Erin) 

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES, DAPHNE AND ERIN (FRASIER'S DATE) SIT AT A TABLE IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT. 

MARTIN 

Do you think I'll be able to leave with a doggy bag? 

FRASIER 

Only over my dead body. 

MARTIN 

That can be arranged. 

NILES 

And it nearly was, but unfortunately they lost our reservation at The Timbermill. 

MARTIN 

Lost the reservation my eye. You didn't call them and you know you didn't. 

NILES 

Honestly Dad I did call them. 

DAPHNE 

He did Mr. Crane, I was there when he phoned them. 

ERIN 

Daphne, do you mind if I ask you a question? 

DAPHNE 

Not at all, as long as it's not what my special ingredient is in my Shepherd's Pie. Because my lips are sealed on that matter. 

MARTIN 

That's a coincidence, when I see your Shepherd's Pie, my lips are sealed as well. 

ERIN 

I was just wondering, well you're dating Niles and yet you still don't call Frasier and Martin by their first names. 

DAPHNE 

Is that odd then? 

ERIN 

Well for someone who's only known you guys a few weeks it is. Although while we're on that subject I wouldn't mind knowing what that secret ingredient is. It's not real Shepherd's I hope. 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't put money on it. 

MARTIN 

If it's not real Shepherd's its dog food. 

DAPHNE 

You're just a couple of fussy bleeders. Niles loved it when I made it last week. 

NILES 

I did and the upset stomach that I've just recovered from is a completely unrelated matter. 

FRASIER 

Before our dinner arrives, I'd like to propose a toast. 

THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Raise your glasses to the divorce that was a long time coming, to no more Mel and to Niles and Daphne never looking happier. Cheers. 

THEY ALL CLINK GLASSES AND DRINK 

MARTIN 

And may I add Niles, if you ever elope again I'll kill you in your sleep. 

DAPHNE 

That goes double for me. 

NILES 

OK, Daphne if I ever decide to elope again, you'll be the first person I inform on the way to the registry office. 

DAPHNE 

You're so considerate. 

NILES AND DAPHNE KISS 

MARTIN 

I feel kind of like a loose thumb here. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

MARTIN 

I'm the only person here without a date. 

FRASIER 

But tonight is not a double date it's a celebratory dinner. 

DAPHNE 

But on that topic, we've noticed you two have been spending quite a lot of time together recently. 

ERIN 

Oh we haven't seen each other that much. 

NILES 

Are you kidding? I've got a surgeon on standby to separate you. 

FRASIER 

Well we enjoy each other's company. It's nice to go to the Opera with someone who doesn't blubber all the way through it like a baby. 

NILES 

I told you I had something in my eye. 

ERIN 

I cried on Saturday remember? Mind you that was from boredom. 

DAPHNE 

I know what you mean. I was nearly comatose last week. I was woken up by this old lady flicking the back of my ear. 

FRASIER 

I know but I enjoy wrapping my arms around and comforting you a lot more than I do Niles. 

ERIN 

I'm sure you two have lots in common. 

NILES 

Of course we do, like, like… 

DAPHNE 

Lot's of things like, like… 

NILES 

Like, like… 

DAPHNE 

I love you. 

NILES 

I love you too. 

DAPHNE 

And that's just one thing that we have in common. I don't want to bore you with the rest. 

AS THE DINNER ARRIVES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR LIFE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY ELEVATOR — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin) 

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP. ALL THREE LOOK EXTREMELY TIRED. 

FRASIER 

I just don't understand what happened. 

DAPHNE 

Do we have to talk about it? I'm so embarrassed. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sorry Daphne but when I'm dragged out of bed to come and fetch you two in the middle of the night I think I'm entitled to an explanation. 

NILES 

This is such a long story. 

FRASIER 

I thought you were going to stop at that hotel on the coast for the weekend. 

THE ELEVATOR STOPS AND THE DOORS OPEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

THEY ALL STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND FRASIER GETS HIS KEY OUT TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

We were but when we got to the hotel, they'd lost our reservation, so we had to drive around and find another one. 

FRASIER 

I don't see how you get from there, to a Police cell. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY ALL ENTER THE EMPTY ROOM AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Finding somewhere to stay was harder than we thought and pretty soon the car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere. 

FRASIER 

That's still not an arrestable offence. What on earth were you doing to get arrested, in your car, on an empty highway in the middle of the night? No wait don't answer that. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

DAPHNE 

I'll get it. Hello Mum. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Frasier don't look at me like that, nothing happened. It was going to, but it didn't. 

FRASIER 

In a car Niles? Couldn't you have waited? 

NILES 

I've told you before Frasier that I'm getting desperate. I wouldn't stop to think twice about it if we had five minutes alone on the top of the Space Needle. We wouldn't necessarily have to be alone, at this point, tourists with camera's wouldn't bother me. 

FRASIER 

Well this experience gives a whole new meaning to the term lay-by. You do realise you're turning into Roz? 

NILES 

It's starting to get ridiculous. Something always happens to stop us, I'm beginning to think we're cursed. Daphne and I are doomed to never have sex. 

FRASIER 

You've been trying too hard to get everything perfect. One of these days you're just going to have to do it, without any fore thought, just a spontaneous action. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM KITCHEN 

NILES 

We tried that and I ended up being handcuffed to man who was arrested with a trunk full of dead racoons. 

FRASIER 

That's not an arrestable offence. 

NILES 

What he was doing to them was. You know when the Police turned up I didn't think that this weekend could get any worse. 

ENTER MARTIN CARRYING THE NEWSPAPER 

MARTIN 

Hay Niles, why is there a picture of you with your pants around your ankles on the Society page of the paper? 

NILES 

I was wrong. 

DAPHNE 

I'm going to have to go Mum, bye. You're joking. 

MARTIN 

Nope, there he is. 

NILES 

I don't believe it. I'll never be able to show my face in polite society again. 

MARTIN 

I don't think showing your face is what they'll worry about. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

Hello? Erin. I'm fine just a little tired. It's a long story. Oh you saw the paper? Then there's no need to explain. See you in an hour. OK bye. 

MARTIN 

I'm going to be telling this story for years. 

DAPHNE 

Thank God I'm not on it. 

NILES 

That makes it worse. Do you have any idea what people will think I was doing? 

MARTIN 

Offering the Police a bribe. 

AS MARTIN LAUGHS AND NILES HIDES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Waitress, Ellen, Man) 

ROZ SITS IN THE CORNER AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

Hay Roz. 

ROZ 

Hi Frasier. Here to meet Erin? 

FRASIER 

That's right. 

ROZ 

You've been seeing quite a lot of her lately haven't you? 

FRASIER 

I guess so. 

ROZ 

You don't seem too thrilled about it. 

FRASIER 

No, I am really but I wonder how far it will go. 

ROZ 

What do you mean? 

FRASIER 

Well we have absolutely nothing in common. If I start to talk about the arts, psychiatry, anything that I'm interested in, her eyes start to glaze over. 

ROZ 

That doesn't matter, you get on great together, you enjoy spending time together. What more do you want? 

FRASIER 

An intelligent conversation every now and again. 

ROZ 

That's what you've got Niles for. 

FRASIER 

I'm going to spoil this if I keep thinking this way aren't I? 

ROZ 

Exactly. 

NILES ENTERS, EVERY TABLE THAT HE PASSES, TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM AND STARTS TO SNIGGER 

NILES 

I'm getting tired of this, everyone is laughing at me. 

ROZ 

What are they laughing at you about? 

NILES 

You mean you don't know? 

ROZ 

No. 

NILES 

Oh nothing important. 

ROZ 

Oh come on Niles you can tell me. Although you do have the right to remain silent. And when they say anything you say, maybe taken down, they didn't mean your pants. 

NILES 

Fine go ahead, ridicule me. It just makes me the bigger person. 

ROZ 

Oh I don't doubt it from that photo. 

FRASIER NOTICES ELLEN SITTING IN THE BACK (NOTE: SHE IS IDENTICAL TO ERIN) 

FRASIER 

Is that Erin over there? Yes it is. She obviously hasn't seen me. See you both later. 

FRASIER MOVES OVER TO ELLEN'S TABLE AS WAITRESS BRINGS NILES A COFFEE 

WAITRESS 

Here's your latte. And may I just say Sir that we have a strict dress code in here. 

NILES 

And I'm glad to know that. 

WAITRESS 

So would you mind keeping your pants on in here, no matter how big the urge is to take them off. 

NILES 

Yes thankyou. 

FRASIER SITS DOWN AT ELLEN'S TABLE 

FRASIER 

Hi. I didn't see you sitting over here, I went right over and sat with Roz. So what are you up to today? 

ELLEN 

I'm sorry do I know you? 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

ELLEN 

Who are you? 

FRASIER 

It's me. Frasier. 

ELLEN 

I don't know where you've just been released from or what sort of medication that you're obviously not taking but believe me I've never seen you before in my life. So if you don't mind, could you please harass someone else? 

FRASIER 

Erin, what is the matter with you today? 

ELLEN 

Erin? Oh I see. My name is Ellen Curtis, you've obviously gotten me confused with my sister Erin Curtis. 

FRASIER 

You're Erin's sister? 

ELLEN 

That's right. Has she mentioned me? 

FRASIER 

Not at all. You're Erin's sister? 

ELLEN 

I'm going to keep my answer the same as before and say that's right. I'm her identical twin. 

FRASIER 

But you look just like her. 

ELLEN 

Hence the term identical. I see Erin has found herself the dullest bulb in the box once again to associate with. 

FRASIER 

I'll have you know that I'm actually an extremely successful and respected psychiatrist. 

ELLEN 

In other words you listen to people whine all day. 

FRASIER 

I'll have you know I happen to have my own radio call-in show. 

ELLEN 

Well we all have to start at the bottom. But some of us manage to work our way to the top by the time we're what fifty. 

FRASIER 

I'll have you know I am not fifty. And I'd love to know what you do that makes you high priestess of Seattle. 

ELLEN 

I'm the arts critic for the Seattle Times. 

FRASIER 

Really? 

ELLEN 

Not that I'd expect you to know anything about that. 

FRASIER 

I'll have you know… 

ELLEN 

You'll have me know a lot of things today won't you? What have I done to be so lucky? 

FRASIER 

Now I understand why Erin didn't mention you. 

ELLEN 

Oh please she's so ditzy she can barely remember her own name let alone anybody else's. She probably can't remember you. That is if you're worth remembering. 

FRASIER 

I'll have… 

ELLEN 

Yes, you'll have me know. Unless of course you'd care to prove me wrong and join me for dinner and the opening of Turandot tonight? 

FRASIER 

Well I… 

ELLEN 

While you try to process that information I have things to do. So here's my card with my address. Pick me up at seven. 

ELLEN GIVES FRASIER HER CARD AND THEN EXITS

MAN 

I was glad to see you didn't have little hearts on your underwear. 

NILES STANDS AND ADDRESSES THE WHOLE CAFÉ 

NILES 

For the love of God. Yes all right everyone I was in the paper this morning being arrested with my trousers around my ankles. I bet none of you even read the society page on a regular basis and yet the moment that I… 

ROZ 

Have little Niles blowing in the breeze? 

NILES 

Yes. Wait no! Roz I can do without your help. 

AS NILES CONTINUES TO BE MADE FUN OF WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3   
(Martin, Frasier, Ellen, Daphne) 

MARTIN SITS EATING BREAKFAST AS FRASIER ENTERS

MARTIN 

Morning Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Hi Dad. 

MARTIN 

Did you sleep well? You sure got in late last night. 

FRASIER 

Actually Dad, I did something last night that I rather think I shouldn't have done. 

MARTIN 

What did you do? 

ELLEN ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM 

ELLEN 

Good morning. 

MARTIN 

Oh hi Er… 

FRASIER 

Ellen. May I introduce you to Ellen Curtis. Ellen this is my father Martin Crane. 

ELLEN 

Charmed. Frasier is there any chance you can scare me up a cup of coffee? Is it in your capacity to do that? 

FRASIER 

Certainly. 

ELLEN 

I'll be in your room. Get a move on with it won't you. 

ELLEN EXITS TO FRASIER'S ROOM 

MARTIN 

I'm confused. Since when has she had a split personality? You know you don't have to bring your work home with you. 

FRASIER 

Ellen is Erin's sister. They're identical twins. 

MARTIN 

I kind of figured that out, they do share a striking resemblance to each other. But I was a detective. 

FRASIER 

All right Dad. I'm already in hell here without you adding heaps of sarcasm to it. 

MARTIN 

I don't believe you. Erin's a great girl. How could you sleep with her sister? 

FRASIER 

I didn't mean to. It was an accident. 

MARTIN 

An accident? What did you trip and fall? And what kind of person is she to sleep with her sister's boyfriend anyway? 

FRASIER 

She doesn't actually know that I'm dating Erin. Why has this happened? 

MARTIN 

It beats me. Most men struggle with one woman, let alone two copies of one woman. 

FRASIER 

Believe me they are two completely different people. Erin is spontaneous and full of life but we have absolutely nothing in common. But Ellen, we have so much in common it's like we were separated at birth but… 

MARTIN 

But what? 

ELLEN ENTERS FULLY DRESSED 

ELLEN 

I was beginning to think you'd lapsed into a small coma. Do you not know where the coffee machine is? 

FRASIER 

I was just about to… 

ELLEN 

Forget it. I'm going home. I'm board, fed-up and you're beginning to get on my nerves. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Morning everyone. Oh hello Eri… 

FRASIER 

Ellen! 

ELLEN 

My God what is the matter with you? You don't have to shout my name all the time, only when we're in private. You're beginning to get dependent on me. Maybe you should be in therapy rather than dishing it out. By the way you're taking me out to lunch at twelve. 

ELLEN EXITS

DAPHNE 

It's someone's time of the month I see. 

MARTIN 

Either that or it's a full moon. 

AS THEY EAT BREAKFAST WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3   
(Niles, Man, Frasier, Erin, Ellen, Waiter) 

FRASIER IS SITTING BY THE COUNTER AS NILES ENTERS. AS HE WALKS PASSED A MAN AT THE NEXT TABLE LAUGHS AT HIM. 

NILES 

Will you people stop laughing at me? Haven't you ever done anything embarrassing? 

MAN 

Yes but never of the front of the paper. 

FRASIER 

Hello Niles. 

NILES SITS 

NILES 

Frasier. You'll never guess what's just happened. They refused to serve me at the wine shop. They said that they didn't want their reputation tarnished by letting the likes of me in there. This whole thing is a nightmare. So where are your twins? With Hef over at the playboy mansion? 

FRASIER 

That's very funny. But don't you see what a dilemma I have here? 

NILES 

Oh course I do. Being forced into sleeping with two beautiful twins. It's a wonder you still have the capacity for rational thought. 

FRASIER 

What's your point? 

NILES 

You're turning into the love child of Roz and Bulldog. 

ENTER ERIN 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. She's seen me. 

NILES 

Which one is it? 

FRASIER 

I have no idea. They both look exactly the same. 

NILES 

That's where the identical part comes into play. 

FRASIER 

I don't know until I hear them speak. They may look alike but they are two completely different people. 

ERIN 

Hello. 

FRASIER 

Hello you. 

ERIN KISSES HIM AND THEN MOVES TO THE COUNTER AND ORDERS COFFEE 

NILES 

So who is it? 

FRASIER 

I'm going to go with Erin. 

NILES 

Is that just a guess? 

FRASIER 

An informed guess. I could tell by the way she spoke. 

NILES 

All she said was hello. 

FRASIER 

But if it's Ellen it would have been heaped with sarcasm. 

NILES 

How can you make hello sarcastic? 

FRASIER 

Lilith always managed it. 

NILES 

And on that subject Frasier doesn't Ellen remind you in any way of Lilith? 

FRASIER 

Not at all, no. The very thought of it. Not at all. 

ERIN COMES BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND PUTS HER COFFEE DOWN 

ERIN 

I'm just going to the powder room. 

FRASIER 

OK Erin. 

SHE SMILES AT HIM AND THEN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

See I told you it was Erin. 

NILES 

You'll understand if I refrain from applauding you. 

FRASIER 

I know I have to choose between them but… 

ELLEN ENTERS AS NILES SEES HER AND STARTS TO LAUGH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What are you laughing at? 

NILES 

Either Erin went out the wrong door and got changed faster than Superman or Ellen just walked in. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! 

ELLEN 

I prefer Goddess. I'm not the owner of a pair of testicles. I'm still debating if you are. I'm getting coffee. 

ELLEN MOVES OVER TO THE COUNTER 

FRASIER 

Niles, you have to help me. 

NILES 

I would Frasier but I'm not sure I have enough cash on me to get you a sex change and a one way ticket to Guam. 

FRASIER 

I'll take Ellen somewhere else. You stall Erin and then apologise to her. 

NILES 

And how do you suggest I stall her? 

FRASIER 

Nail the restroom door shut, make a pass at her, hell pretend you're in labour, I don't care. 

NILES 

When's the last time you did anything for me? 

FRASIER 

Have you forgotten I told you how Daphne felt about you? 

NILES 

And off I go. 

NILES EXITS TO THE BATHROOM 

FRASIER 

Ellen, let's go somewhere else. 

ELLEN 

Why? 

FRASIER 

The guy on foamer duty has pink eye. And I thought you might like to come back to my place. 

ELLEN 

Oh what the hell. I'll have ten minutes spare by the time we get there before I have to be back at the paper. 

FRASIER 

Good then. 

ELLEN 

I'll even have time to do myself three, three minutes eggs. 

FRASIER 

You are a kidder. 

ELLEN 

Do I look as if I'm kidding? 

FRASIER 

No ma'am. 

FRASIER AND ELLEN EXIT AS NILES ENTERS BEING DRAGGED OUT BY A WAITER

WAITER 

Out, now. Don't make me call the cops. 

NILES 

I wasn't trying to spy on anyone in the ladies room. I'm not some sort of pervert despite what you may have seen the newspapers recently. 

WAITER 

Then why were you making all of those panting noises? 

NILES 

I was pretending I was in labour. 

WAITER 

Because? 

NILES 

To stall one of the twins my brothers dating. 

ENTER ERIN FROM THE BATHROOM 

ERIN 

Niles what's going on? 

WAITER 

He says he was in labour because his brothers dating twins. 

ERIN 

Twins? 

NILES 

Ignore him he's delusional. Ooh look Erin, the Space Needle. 

AS NILES POINTS OUT OF THE WINDOW WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4   
(Martin, Niles, Daphne, Erin, Frasier) 

MARTIN SITS EATING BREAKFAST THE NEXT DAY AS NILES ENTERS WEARING HIS SQUASH CLOTHES 

MARTIN 

Morning Niles. 

NILES 

Hay Dad. Is Frasier up yet, we were supposed to be playing squash? 

MARTIN 

I don't think so. I heard him come in pretty late last night. 

NILES 

With which one? 

MARTIN 

I'm not sure. But it's a good idea to have your squash racket ready just in case it's the moody one. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Good morning. I thought I heard your voice. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

Good morning my angel. 

MARTIN 

Hay I'm eating breakfast. 

ENTER ERIN FROM FRASIER'S ROOM 

ERIN 

Good morning. 

DAPHNE 

Morning. 

NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL STAND UNCOMFORTABLY, UNSURE OF WHO IT IS 

ERIN 

I'm just going to get some coffee. 

ERIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

OK. 

MARTIN 

Which one's that? 

NILES 

He left Nervosa with Ellen yesterday. 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure? 

NILES 

Pretty sure. 

ENTER FRASIER

FRASIER 

Morning 

THEY ALL GESTURE TO FRASIER AS ASK WHO IT IS 

FRASIER 

It's Erin. You didn't drop me in it did you? 

NILES 

No. But you left with Ellen yesterday. 

FRASIER 

I know but then I bumped into Erin. 

DAPHNE 

How can you tell its Erin? It might be Ellen on Prozac. 

FRASIER 

Trust me I can tell. 

MARTIN 

Then I wish you'd give me your decoder ring so I could work it out. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE 

DAPHNE 

Hello? Just a second. It's Ellen. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God, really? 

DAPHNE 

If that's Erin, then this is Ellen. 

FRASIER 

Ellen? Hi. It's Ellen. 

NILES 

How can you tell? 

FRASIER 

She wanted to know why it took me so long to get to the phone. Yes I'm here. Why that would be… 

ENTER ERIN

ERIN 

Frasier, you know what we could do this morning. Oh you're on the phone. I'm sorry carry on. 

FRASIER COVERS THE MOUTH PIECE AND CRINGES AND THEN TURNS HIS BACK TO ERIN AND TALKS A LOT QUIETER 

FRASIER 

(WHISPERING) I'm sorry can I call you back. Oh I see. 

ERIN 

You know Martin I love this old chair. 

FRASIER COVERS THE MOUTH PIECE ONCE AGIN 

FRASIER 

Ssshhh. 

ERIN 

Why? 

FRASIER 

(WHISPERING) Just because. 

ERIN 

Just because what? 

FRASIER 

(WHISPERING) It's a secret. Why don't you take your coffee into my room, I'll be done in a minute. 

ERIN 

OK. 

EXIT ERIN

DAPHNE 

Well that blows that theory. They're not the same person. 

FRASIER 

Yes Ellen, yes Ellen, yes Ellen, yes Ellen. I'll see you later. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What do you think the chances are of them believing that I thought they were the same person? 

MARTIN 

About the same as you coming out of this situation with either one of them. 

FRASIER 

Thanks for the shot of confidence. 

MARTIN 

Any time. 

AS FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: 'MY HUNK OF BURNING LOVE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Martin, Eddie) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT AT THE TABLE, MARTIN IS IN HIS CHAIR AND NILES AND DAPHNE ARE ON THE COUCH. ROZ IS DRESSED UP FOR A DATE. 

FRASIER 

What is the matter with me? Why can't I choose? 

ROZ 

It beats the hell out of me. Erin's a wonderful woman. Hell even I'd date her in my quest for a meaningful relationship. 

FRASIER 

But we have nothing in common at all. How long can it last before we get board of each other? And then there's Ellen. 

DAPHNE 

Who's mean, bossy, opinionated, and… 

ROZ 

A gigantic pain in the ass. 

NILES 

You have to admit Frasier that you're drawn to Ellen because she is in every way just like Lilith. 

FRASIER 

She is not. 

MARTIN 

Even I can see it Frasier. It's the psychic ability I've been installed with. Whenever I sense any extract of Lilith an alarm goes off in my head and I have trouble stopping my cane from lashing out and hitting people. 

FRASIER 

Ellen and Lilith are two completely different people. 

DAPHNE 

And you call yourself observant. She even wears her hair in a bun. 

FRASIER 

So? 

ROZ 

Forget it Daphne. If he wants to stay with that Hitler in heels than it's his business. Will you help me finish curling my hair? 

DAPHNE AND ROZ GO TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S BEDROOM 

DAPHNE 

Of course, we must have you looking good for that date. 

ROZ 

How hard can it be to chose between two people? 

DAPHNE 

So who are you seeing tonight? 

ROZ 

Greg at six and Tim at nine thirty. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT

NILES 

I don't see why you're having such a hard time with this? 

MARTIN 

Ellen is mean. Stick with Erin. And do it quick before you loose them both. 

FRASIER 

Ellen is not mean, she's, she's… 

NILES 

One step away from being a dominatrix. She humiliates you. 

FRASIER 

But in a good way. I think it's playful. 

NILES 

Frasier… 

FRASIER 

Yes I know I need to make a decision. But I'm not going to make it being lectured by you two. I'm going to take a walk. 

FRASIER EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

How is it so hard to make this decision? 

NILES 

He's attracted to both of them in different ways. Unfortunately I think he's attracted to Ellen because she's like Lilith, which is something that you can't shake out of him. 

MARTIN 

I'm sure we could if we tried. 

NILES 

Do you think so? 

MARTIN 

Well I could. You couldn't with the way you shake. You sprain your wrist shaking up a Martini. I could make this decision, it's easy. 

NILES 

Oh please. You have trouble deciding what pants your going to wear. That's why they all look the same. 

MARTIN 

What's the matter with these pants? 

NILES 

They look as if they were made from potato sacks. 

MARTIN 

Maybe that's what the designer was going for. 

NILES 

I don't doubt it, it's probably what he was wearing in his dumpster when he designed them. 

MARTIN 

I'm tired of this abuse. I'm going down to McGinty's. 

MARTIN GETS HIS COAT 

NILES 

Now Dad I was only joking. 

MARTIN 

It's all right son. 

NILES 

Really? 

MARTIN 

No, I was only joking. 

EXIT MARTIN AS ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER. ROZ'S HAIR IS NOW CURLY, BUT LOOKS QUITE LOP-SIDED AS IF DRAGGED THROUGH A BUSH. 

ROZ 

Where's Frasier? 

NILES 

He's gone to think things over. 

ROZ 

What's the betting he comes home with a triplet? So how do I look? 

DAPHNE 

Gorgeous. 

ROZ 

Are you sure I don't look like Shirley Temple on crack? 

DAPHNE 

I told you, no. You look gorgeous. And I'm sure they'll both think the same. 

NILES 

Hopefully not at the same time. 

ROZ 

Bye guys. 

ROZ EXITS AND NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH 

DAPHNE 

So do you think he'll decide? 

NILES 

I think Roz is right. He'll probably come home with a third. You know I hate to jinx things. 

HE KISSES HER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

But have you noticed we're alone? 

DAPHNE 

I was just about to mention that. 

NILES 

And you're OK with that? Now that I've been exiled from polite society and banned from the cheese shop. 

DAPHNE 

Well I was only dating you for your cheese shop connections. 

THEY KISS 

RESET TO: 

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — MOMENTS LATER

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE. DAPHNE LEADS HIM IN BY HIS TIE AS EDDIE LIES ON HER BED. DAPHNE SHUTS THE DOOR BEFORE PUSHING NILES UP IT AS THEY KISS. AFTER A BEAT THEY BREAK AND NILES GASPS 

DAPHNE 

This time nothing can go wrong. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I've never been alone with a hardened criminal before. 

THEY KISS AGAIN AS EDDIE WATCHES THEM. NILES BREAKS AS HE SEES EDDIE STARING AT THEM 

NILES 

I can't do this with you looking at me. 

DAPHNE 

Would it help if I left? 

NILES 

I was talking to Eddie. 

DAPHNE 

Eddie out! 

NILES MOVES TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AS DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND EDDIE EXITS. SHE CLOSES THE DOOR AND MOVES TO NILES AS THEY KISS AGAIN. DAPHNE PUSHES NILES BACKWARD WITH THE MOMENTUM TOWARDS THE DRESSING TABLE WHERE THE CURLING IRON UNFORTUNATELY HAPPENS TO BE PLACED. THEY BANG INTO THE DRESSING TABLE 

NILES 

Ouch! 

DAPHNE 

What? 

NILES 

I just banged into the dressing table. 

THEY KISS AGAIN AS NILES SITS 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES SHOUTS WITH PAIN FROM OFFSTAGE AS EDDIE HIDES HIS FACE UNDER A CUSHION AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: 'PLAY HIDE AND GO EEEKKKK…!' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/5   
(Martin, Frasier, Erin, Daphne, Niles, Eddie, Ellen, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS EATING HIS BREAKFAST WITH EDDIE STARING AT HIM AS FRASIER ENTERS

MARTIN 

Morning Frasier. Did you notice anything this morning? Niles' coat is on the peg. You know what that means? 

FRASIER 

The eagle has landed. 

MARTIN 

So did you come to some sort of decision last night? 

FRASIER 

Indeed I did. 

ENTER ERIN FROM FRASIER'S ROOM 

ERIN 

Good morning. 

MARTIN 

(WHISPERING) Which one is it? 

FRASIER 

Morning (WITH EMPHASIS) Erin. 

ERIN 

Do you mind if I get myself a cup of coffee? 

FRASIER 

Here let me do it. 

ERIN 

It's OK I can do it myself. Can I get you one Martin? 

MARTIN 

Please. It's in the kitchen. 

ERIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

So I'm glad to see you made the right decision. 

FRASIER 

It's not exactly the decision you think it is. I'm made a decision to stop making decisions. 

MARTIN 

Oh Frasier! 

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

It would serve you right if that was Ellen. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

FRASIER 

Oh hi you two, we thought that… 

DAPHNE 

Can you get out of the way Dr. Crane please? 

DAPHNE HELPS NILES INTO THE APARTMENT VERY SLOWLY AND THEN HELPS HIM LIE DOWN ON HIS FRONT ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

Ouch. 

ENTER ERIN

FRASIER 

My God what happened? Where have you two been? 

NILES 

The emergency room. 

ERIN 

The emergency room? Why? 

DAPHNE 

Oh good morning… 

FRASIER 

Erin. It's Erin. Daphne has trouble remembering people's names. You were saying. 

NILES 

We had a little accident. 

MARTIN 

What sort of accident? 

DAPHNE 

Niles sat on Roz's curling iron. 

MARTIN 

So? 

NILES 

It was on at the time. 

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ERIN ALL START TO LAUGH AS DAPHNE TRIES REALLY HARD NOT TO WITHOUT MUCH SUCCESS 

FRASIER 

I'm so sorry Niles. 

NILES 

And yet you're laughing. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry. Is it bad? 

NILES 

You know surprisingly I can't see from here. 

DAPHNE 

Believe me it's not a pretty sight. 

SUDDENLY EDDIE JUMPS UP ON THE COUCH AND ON TO NILES REAR END 

NILES 

Ouch! Ouch! Dog, claws, sore burn, not good bed fellows! 

DAPHNE 

Eddie get down. 

EDDIE JUMPS OFF AS NILES BITES THE COUCH CUSHION 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I'll go and get you some water for your painkillers. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Well Niles it's nice to see you making an ass of yourself once again. 

ERIN 

I'm sorry Niles. Frasier here's your coffee, I'm going to get dressed. 

ERIN KISSES FRASIER AND EXITS TO HIS ROOM 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ELLEN

FRASIER 

Ellen! 

ELLEN 

And once again you're shouting my name. And why aren't you dressed? I told you we had to leave early. 

FRASIER 

Well I… 

ENTER DAPHNE WITH A GLASS OF WATER 

DAPHNE 

I love that outfit Eri… 

FRASIER 

Ellen. It's Ellen, you remember her. Daphne has trouble remembering people's names. 

ELLEN 

OK. I'm just going to use the powder room. 

FRASIER 

OK, take all the time you need. 

ELLEN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM 

DAPHNE 

Eight years ago, I'd have questioned this situation, but I think I've become immune to it now. Here's your water and a straw. 

NILES 

Thankyou. 

DAPHNE 

I'm so sorry Niles. 

NILES 

It's not your fault. 

FRASIER 

Enough about your little problem what do I do? 

MARTIN 

Just tell them it's a mirror. 

FRASIER 

Any other suggestions? 

ENTER ERIN

ERIN 

Frasier I'm going to have to run. Call me later. Let me just use the powder room before I go. 

FRASIER 

This one's out of order. You'll have to use the one in my room Ellen. 

ERIN 

Ellen? 

FRASIER 

I meant Erin. 

ERIN 

But you just called me Ellen. 

FRASIER 

That's because you have a striking resemblance to Eleanor Roosevelt. 

ERIN 

OK. I'm not really sure what to do with that. You know my sister's name is Ellen. 

FRASIER 

Really? You've never mentioned her before. 

ERIN 

That's because she's a real bitch. Always stealing my boyfriends. 

FRASIER'S TRIES TO LAUGH AS ERIN EXITS AND AS ELLEN TRIES TO OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR BUT CAN'T BECAUSE FRASIER IS HOLDING ON TO THE HANDLE 

ELLEN 

Frasier, you big idiot. Would you mind moving away from the door so I can get out. I'm going to get myself a cup of coffee. 

ELLEN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

So did you reach a decision? 

FRASIER 

Yes I did. 

ROZ 

And which decision did you make? 

ENTER ELLEN

ELLEN 

Oh Roz it's you. Do you want some coffee? 

ROZ 

Please. 

ELLEN 

Then you can get me one while you're at it. 

ROZ 

Your decision. It's complete and utter crap. 

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS ELLEN GOES TO EXIT TO FRASIER'S ROOM 

FRASIER 

Ellen, where are you going? 

ELLEN 

I left my address book in your room the other morning. 

FRASIER 

It's actually in Daphne's room. 

ELLEN 

What's it doing in there? 

FRASIER 

She was using it to try to remember your name. 

DAPHNE 

You can go and get it if you like. 

ELLEN EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AS ERIN ENTERS

ERIN 

Right I'm off. 

ENTER ROZ WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE 

ROZ 

Here's your coffee. 

ERIN 

No thanks Roz, I've just had one. 

ROZ 

(ANNOYED) What? 

MARTIN 

(SOTTO TO ROZ) That's Erin. 

ROZ 

Oh my God, it's too early in the morning for this. 

FRASIER 

OK, bye see you later. 

ERIN KISSES FRASIER AND THEN EXITS

ROZ 

I'm not sure exactly what your decision was. To go insane maybe. 

ENTER ELLEN

ELLEN 

It's not in there. 

FRASIER 

Are you sure? 

ELLEN 

I didn't look too hard. The smell of burning flesh was beginning to turn my stomach. Well just bring it to the museum with you. I'm going to go, because I like to be punctual. Meet me down there and hurry up. 

FRASIER 

OK, I'll be ten minutes behind you. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER ERIN. 

ERIN 

You know Frasier… 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! 

NILES 

You know I think these painkillers have kicked in. How many of that woman do you see? 

ERIN 

What are you doing here? 

FRASIER 

I live here. 

ERIN 

Not you, her. 

ELLEN 

I thought I'd try slumming it. 

FRASIER 

Hay. 

ERIN 

Don't you start acting all hurt, I'm the one who's been cheated on. Every single man Ellen, why? 

ELLEN 

For your information, I didn't know he was dating you. 

ERIN 

Is this true? 

FRASIER 

Well it depends on what angle your looking at it from. 

ERIN 

The truthful angle. 

FRASIER 

The truth is so over rated. 

ERIN 

For once Ellen it wasn't you fault. Goodbye Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Ellen wait. 

ERIN 

I'm Erin. 

ELLEN 

But since you mention it I'm also leaving. I don't really care for my sister's leftovers. 

ERIN SLAPS FRASIER, THEN ELLEN SLAPS HIM ON THE OTHER CHEEK. ERIN AND ELLEN EXIT

NILES 

Oh look at that, instant replay. 

MARTIN 

It serves you right Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Don't lecture me dad. I'm the one who's just been dumped. 

NILES 

Twice. 

FRASIER 

Yes thankyou Niles. I need a drink. 

ROZ 

Do you want this coffee? 

FRASIER 

Unless it's one hundred percent alcohol coffee I'm not interested. 

DAPHNE 

But it's nine in the morning. 

FRASIER 

So? Somewhere in the world it's evening. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Well I guess I was wrong about that. 

ROZ 

Wrong about what? 

MARTIN 

I thought that world would split in two if they saw each other. 

DAPHNE 

I'm going to get some breakfast. Do you want anything Niles? 

NILES 

Just morphine. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

So Niles you're around here pretty early. 

NILES 

Roz it's not what you think. 

ROZ 

Oh isn't it, you sly old dog. 

SHE PLAYFULLY SLAPS HIS BOTTOM CAUSING HIM TO BITE THE CUSHION AGAIN AND LET OUT A MUFFLED SHOUT 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

What is the matter with you? 

MARTIN 

Unfortunately Niles has become the butt of all jokes. 

AS DAPHNE RUSHES IN TO HELP NILES WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 


	11. Episode Eleven

_After leaving the book I wrote this episode in on a plane in Chicago, I have desperately tried to rewrite it. _

_I don't own any of these characters, all rights belong to Grub Street Productions and Paramount Studios. _

_Feedback is always much appreciated. _

_Enjoy… _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Eleven   
A Fool Such As I 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Ed (V.O.)) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE BOOTH NEARING THE END OF THE SHOW 

FRASIER 

I think we have time for one more call. Roz who do we have on the line? 

ROZ 

We have Ed from Kirkland who has a fear of abandonment. 

FRASIER 

Hello Ed, I'm listening. 

WE HEAR THE LINE BEING CUT OFF AND A DISCONNECTED TONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I see. Roz is there any chance that we can get him back? Before he's traumatised to the brink of climbing a clock tower and taking out the town. 

ROZ 

Just a second. 

FRASIER 

While we have a moment may I take this opportunity to inform you once again that having a multiple personality disorder does not entitle you can claim multiple unemployment benefits under each name. Unfortunately Ted found that out the hard way and as we wish Ted our best we also remind him not to drop the soap in the shower. 

ROZ 

Dr. Crane we have Ed back on line one. 

FRASIER 

Hello Ed, I'm listening. 

ED 

Hello Dr. Crane. This all started when I was young and my father walked out on us to become a circus performer. My mother soon after left me when I was eleven, we never knew where she went, I never bought the excuse it took twenty years to buy a carton of milk. So I was placed in my grandmother's care. That didn't last long because having a child clashed with her social life, especially when I accidentally announced in church that the Reverend had attended one of her many key parties. I was then moved around various foster homes as my love for all things Euro trash conflicted with what's considered a normal suburban family lifestyle. I've never really had a proper girlfriend since I caught my high school sweetheart in the basement making out with one of my foster mothers, as I was always frightened of being left again. I've never had many friends, my dog even ran away last week. I don't know where he is. I find myself obsessively checking the road kill closely. It's all resulted in my fear of abandonment. 

FRASIER 

Well Ed… 

ROZ 

I'm sorry Dr. Crane but we're all out of time. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Ed, but we have to cut this short. Call in again on Monday and I promise you'll be our first caller. 

ED 

That's what they all say. 

ED HANGS UP THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

Well this is Dr. Frasier Crane signing off for the day wishing you all a good day and good mental health. 

AS FRASIER GOES OFF THE AIR ROZ ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

So Roz what are you up to this weekend? 

ROZ 

I'm going to have a weekend of uninterrupted peace, quiet and indulgence. Alice is going to stop with Rick and his parents for the week. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes I forgot. They must be really excited to have her all to themselves. 

ROZ 

Not as excited as I am. Don't get me wrong, I would give my life for my daughter, but it's just nice that she's going to be trashing someone else's apartment this week and mommy gets the place all to herself. 

AS FRASIER GOES TO EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'THEY FORGOT TO PULL THE PLUG OUT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz) 

FRASIER AND MARTIN STAND LOOKING AT A LARGE CARDBOARD BOX ON THE TABLE 

FRASIER 

So what is it? 

MARTIN 

I have no idea. I haven't ordered anything. 

FRASIER 

It must be a gift off someone then. 

MARTIN 

That would be the obvious conclusion. 

FRASIER 

Well open it up then. 

MARTIN CUTS THE TOP OF THE BOX AND STARES INTO IT 

MARTIN 

Oh my God. It's fantastic. 

FRASIER 

What is it? Let me see. 

MARTIN PULLS A STUFFED BEAVER OUT OF THE BOX WEARING A COLOURFUL GOLFING OUTFIT AND CARRYING A BAG OF CLUBS. FRASIER OF COURSE IS HORRIFIED AS MARTIN STANDS IN AWE OF IT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh my God. That's hideous. 

MARTIN 

What are you talking about it's great. 

FRASIER 

Who would send you such a thing? 

MARTIN 

I don't know, there's no note in the box. 

FRASIER 

I don't think anyone would want to own up to having purchased that monstrosity, I know I certainly wouldn't. 

MARTIN 

I need to find the perfect place for it. 

FRASIER 

The pet cemetery? 

MARTIN 

It needs to go somewhere where it will catch the light. 

FRASIER 

In the fireplace maybe? 

DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SLAMS IT BEHIND HER AS SHE MAKES HER WAY TO HER ROOM CHUNTERING TO HERSELF AS SHE GOES 

MARTIN 

Hay Daphne what do you think of my beaver? 

DAPHNE 

Stuff it old man. 

MARTIN 

But it's already stuffed. That's why people send dead things through the mail to a taxidermist, otherwise it would just be some sort of sick hate mail. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS

NILES 

Has she gone to her room? 

FRASIER 

Yes, what on earth has happened? 

NILES 

She's just a little mad at me. Just a lovers tiff. 

NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM 

MARTIN 

So where do you think I should put this? 

FRASIER 

That doesn't concern you? Seeing her that upset. 

MARTIN 

Hell no, people fight all the time, it's life. Very rarely do these things end up with a hacked up body in a dumpster. 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

(OFFSTAGE) Sod off! 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) Honey let me in. 

DAPHNE 

(OFFSTAGE) If you want your manhood to stay in one piece I'd back away from the door before I snap it like a twig. 

ENTER NILES

FRASIER 

Niles is everything all right? 

NILES 

Daphne's a little tired. She's going to take a nap. 

FRASIER 

But you were fighting. 

NILES 

You're over analysing Frasier, it's just our way of expressing emotion. 

ENTER DAPHNE WHO WALKS UP BEHIND NILES 

DAPHNE 

Move. 

NILES 

Yes honey. 

NILES MOVES OUT OF HER WAY AS DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

What did you do? 

NILES 

You know what I did. 

FRASIER 

Not this still? 

NILES 

I'm afraid so. 

MARTIN 

All this is still over the 'incident'? 

NILES 

I'm having a difficult time trying to get her to forgive me. 

FRASIER 

Well it strikes me you're not trying very hard. 

NILES 

I'm running out of things to try I've… Dad what is that? 

MARTIN 

It's a beaver playing golf. 

NILES 

Why? 

MARTIN 

Because it was his last dying wish to spend eternity carrying a sand wedge. 

NILES 

He's not carrying a sandwich, it's a golf club. 

MARTIN 

No a sand wedge Niles, it's a golf club. 

NILES 

Anyway so why do you have it? 

FRASIER 

Someone sent it him through the post, anonymously. 

NILES 

Well when you're sending beaver hate mail you do want to keep it anonymous. 

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE IS MAKING A SANDWICH AS NILES ENTERS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne, honey. 

DAPHNE VIOLENTLY CUTS A LETTUCE IN HALF IN ONE SWIFT CHOP 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I'll come back. 

NILES GOES TO LEAVE AND THEN TURNS BACK TO DAPHNE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Listen Daphne. 

NILES GETS ON HIS KNEES IN FRONT OF HER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I am so sorry Daphne, and I promise I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you. 

SFX: DOORBELL 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AS MARTIN PLACES THE BEAVER ON THE CONSOLE BEHIND THE COUCH. ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

Oh my God Frasier, thank God you're home. 

FRASIER 

Roz what's the matter? 

ROZ 

Frasier I've been burgled. They've completely trashed the place. 

FRASIER HUGS HER 

MARTIN 

Have you called the Police? 

ROZ 

Yes as soon as they left I came over here. 

FRASIER 

Did they take much? 

ROZ 

Everything. My TV, my stereo, my jewellery. That African sculpture you bought me for Christmas. 

FRASIER 

You broke it didn't you? 

ROZ 

I think so, when it hit the sidewalk I'm sure I heard it smash. They even tried to take my freezer but they couldn't get it out of the door. But they still took my damn jar of macadamia nuts. Frasier can I stay here tonight, I don't want to be on my own in my apartment. 

FRASIER 

Of course you can honey, you can stay here as long as you like. Did you call a locksmith? 

ROZ 

Yes, the super was waiting for him. 

MARTIN 

Well you're perfectly safe here. 

ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AND TURNS TO SEE THE BEAVER STARING AT HER FROM OFF THE CONSOLE 

ROZ 

Oh my God, what is that? 

MARTIN 

It's my beaver. 

ROZ 

Well get rid of it, it has evil eyes. 

MARTIN 

Don't say that you'll hurt its feelings. 

FRASIER 

I don't know if you've noticed this Dad, but it's deceased. It's had its innards ripped out and replaced with sawdust. Any feelings it had, have been severely numbed at this point. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH NILES FOLLOWING HER STILL ON HIS KNEES. DAPHNE SITS ON THE COUCH AND EATS HER SANDWICH 

DAPHNE 

Oh hi Roz. 

NILES 

Daphne please forgive me. I know I was stupid and it was a ridiculous thing to do but I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Tell me what I can do to make this better. 

DAPHNE GETS UP AND MAKES HER WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR AS NILES FOLLOWS HER STILL ON HIS KNEES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Honey you are my life, without you I am nothing. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND STEPS OUT INTO THE HALL AS NILES FOLLOWS HER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

You know I would deny you nothing. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to lasso the moon for you if that's what you want. 

DAPHNE WALKS BACK INTO THE APARTMENT AS NILES KNEELS IN THE DOORWAY 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne please, I'm begging you. 

DAPHNE SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE AND THEN GOES BACK TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP HER SANDWICH 

MARTIN 

Well there's no dignity lost there. 

DAPHNE WALKS TOWARDS HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

If anyone wants me I'll be in my room. 

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Anyone except him 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR TO NILES WHO IS STILL ON HIS KNEES 

NILES 

I think she's still mad at me. 

FRASIER 

And it's taken you twenty years of observing behaviour patterns to work that out. 

AS NILES WALKS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles) 

ROZ IS SITTING AT THE TABLE AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Morning Roz. How did you sleep? 

ROZ 

Not good. 

DAPHNE 

Me neither, this fight with Niles has really upset me. 

ROZ 

What did he do? 

DAPHNE 

It's an ongoing feud from the 'incident'. Are you feeling any better this morning? 

ROZ 

A little. I'm still a little weirded out at the thought of those people being in my apartment. I mean what if they come back and I'm alone in there with Alice? 

DAPHNE 

That's not going to happen. You're just going to scare yourself. At the end of the day it's just stuff, it can be replaced. We can buy you more nuts. They couldn't have been in there any longer than ten minutes. 

ROZ 

Then why were all my shoes stretched as if they'd had a size eleven foot squeezed into them? And I know for a fact my underwear never used to sag in the crotch like this. I just don't feel comfortable being alone there right now. Do you think Frasier will let me stay here a little longer? 

DAPHNE 

I'm sure he will. 

ENTER FRASIER FROM HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

Good morning Ladies. 

ROZ 

Hey Frasier do you mind if I stay here a little longer? I'm not sure I want to go back to my apartment right now. 

ENTER MARTIN FROM KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Of course you can Roz but you're going to have to go back sometime. 

MARTIN 

You know Roz, if you're worried about being on your own it may not hurt to take one of those self-defence courses, we used to hold them at the station all the time. 

ROZ 

That's a good idea Martin. 

MARTIN 

The best idea! I don't know who thought it up to have all those women jigging around all sweaty for an hour a week but if I did I'd put him in my will. 

FRASIER 

Yes what a wonderful idea. What would be more insane then letting a bunch of middle aged women with raging hormones loose on the city with their newly taught ability to kick a man in the groin and run away? 

ROZ 

Hey. I don't know what I find more offensive the fact that you called me middle aged or the fact that you think I have raging hormones. 

FRASIER 

Roz, for one week every month if they were going to invade Normandy again they would put you in charge. 

ROZ 

You're only saying this because you know that I could whoop your ass now let alone what I could do after being tutored. 

DAPHNE 

I think it's a great idea. If you like Roz I can come with you. It might make Niles think twice before he gets on the wrong side of me. 

ROZ 

That would be great Daphne. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

If I open that door, am I going to start world war three or can the children play nicely today. 

DAPHNE 

Fine let him in, but if I stab him, be it on your head. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES CARRYING AN EXTREMELY LARGE BOX 

NILES 

Morning Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Niles. What on earth is in that box? 

NILES 

It was left with the doorman. It's for Dad. 

MARTIN 

I wonder what it is. 

NILES PLACES THE BOX ON THE TABLE AND THEN RUNS BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR TO RETRIEVE AN EXTREMELY LARGE BUNCH OF ROSES THAT HE LEFT OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Quick someone get some scissors. 

ROZ GETS SOME SCISSORS OUT OF THE DESK DRAWER 

FRASIER 

I don't think having sharp objects and Niles and Daphne in the same room is a good idea. 

NILES 

Daphne, these are for you. A dozen red roses for each month we've been together. I only hope I'll be able to fill Puget Sound full of them by the time this relationship ends. Please give me another chance. 

DAPHNE KISSES HIM 

NILES 

I'll take that as a no then. 

DAPHNE 

Come on let's put these in some water. 

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

I wonder what it could be? 

ROZ 

Maybe it's a stripper-gram. 

FRASIER 

Yes Roz, a stripper in a box that size. 

ROZ 

Have you never heard of a pigmy stripper? 

FRASIER 

As a matter of fact no I haven't. And while we're on this subject may I ask you Roz to never buy me anything ever again if that is what you think people send each other through the mail. 

MARTIN 

Oh my God, Frasier. 

ROZ 

It's all right Martin, he always speaks to me that way. I'll get my revenge someday with a red-hot poker where he's least expecting it. 

MARTIN 

I was talking about this. 

MARTIN PULLS FROM THE BOX ANOTHER BEAVER BUT THIS TIME IT IS WEARING A FOOTBALL SHIRT, HELMET AND SHOULDER PADS 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! What sort of deranged individual keeps sending you these things? 

MARTIN 

I don't know but I've got quite a collection starting. 

FRASIER 

Yes and before long they're be starting a collection clogging the garbage shoot. 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE BEAVER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Who on earth could hate me so much that they would keep sending him these things? 

ROZ 

Believe me Frasier it's not a short list. 

ENTER NILES

FRASIER 

So is everything all patched up. 

NILES 

Yes it is. Daphne's just putting her flowers in some water. So what's this I hear about you two going to self-defence classes? 

ROZ 

I just don't feel safe anymore, Martin thought it would be a good idea. 

FRASIER 

I still say confronting this fear head on will solve it rather than learning to kick really, really high. 

NILES 

Frasier don't be ridiculous, I think it's a wonderful idea. And here's another one, let me teach you self-defence. 

ROZ 

Excuse me? 

NILES 

Oh come on Roz please. I take kick boxing every week. I am after all yellow belt status. 

FRASIER 

You've been yellow belt status for nearly a year. 

NILES 

So my progression is little slow, but everyone else in the class is at least twice my size. 

FRASIER 

Pull the other one Niles, you're in the junior class. You defend yourself against a bunch of ten-year-olds, most of whom still wet the bed. 

NILES 

Well you try kicking you leg that high and not loosing any of your bladder control. So what do you say Roz? 

ROZ 

Why would you of all people want to help me and especially with self-defence? 

NILES 

Because I'm concerned for your well being. 

ROZ 

Cut the crap 

NILES 

Oh all right, to get me back in Daphne's good books. If I'm seen to be helping out her friend I might score some points. You see I'm talking like an authentic jock already. 

FRASIER 

I'll resist the temptation to give you my lunch money. 

ROZ 

All right fine, one chance. 

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

I can't believe you're little tiff has lasted this long. You've had ample opportunities to apologise. 

NILES 

I know but I kept finding another way too put my foot in it. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. You've been starting these fights on purpose haven't you? 

NILES 

No, in fact I laugh at the idea. Ha! 

FRASIER 

Niles! Your nose is bleeding. 

NILES 

Oh all right fine. But I'm so sexually frustrated, and I like it when she yells at me. She's just so… 

FRASIER 

Niles, take my advice, see a therapist. And why are you sexual frustrated? Are you seriously telling me you're still not having sex? 

NILES 

That's right, and after the accident with the civil war ramrod, we decided to cool it for a while before one of us gets seriously injured. 

FRASIER 

Oh please don't remind me of that story. Don't get an image, don't get an image. Oh too late. You're going to have to stop this before you really damage this relationship. 

NILES 

I know and it's stopped. That's it. 

ENTER ROZ

FRASIER 

Then why is your nose still bleeding? 

ROZ 

Oh this is excellent, you get a nosebleed from sitting still, how are you supposed to teach me to defend myself? 

AS NILES TRIES TO STOP THE FLOW OF BLOOD WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'WARNING! STAND AT LEAST TEN FEET BACK FROM THIS DEMONSTRATION' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3   
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Daphne) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND WATCHES NILES TRYING TO DRESS FRASIER IN A PADDED SUIT THAT HE HAS OBVIOUSLY BORROWED FROM HIS KICKBOXING CLASS. THE SUIT IS ABOUT THREE TIMES TOO BIG. 

NILES 

Frasier hold still. I'm having trouble doing it up. 

FRASIER 

It's Velcro Niles. You just put it together and it sticks like magic. I still don't know how you managed to talk me into this. Why can't you wear this stuff? 

NILES 

How can I teach them how to kick if I'm the one being kicked? What am I suppose to practice on? 

FRASIER 

How about one of Dad's beavers? 

MARTIN 

Hay you leave them out of this. 

NILES 

At any rate I have a feeling Roz is going to be able to kick extremely hard and I have a phobia of internal bleeding. 

FRASIER 

I still say this whole exercise is ridiculous, Roz needs to confront her fear and go home. 

NILES 

For the purpose of today's demonstration I think the dummy should be mute. 

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM WEARING SWEATS 

ROZ 

Right, we're ready. 

NILES 

Ok, now Frasier has volunteered to be our attacker today. So what I'm going to show you first is a round-house kick. So Frasier attack me. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

NILES 

Attack me. 

FRASIER 

With what? My bow and arrow wouldn't fit in my pocket. 

NILES 

My God man. You've got to go back to basics. To a time when men lived in caves and used their hands to kill. 

FRASIER 

In other words you want me to use my hands? 

MARTIN 

That would be the general idea. Unless you want to try to batter him to death with a love seat. 

FRASIER 

How do you expect me to attack you? I can bearly move. I look like some sort of inflatable marshmallow man. 

NILES 

Ok fine, just stand still. 

FRASIER 

Wait let me turn around first. 

NILES 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

Do you think we could possibly learn something today, or is this going to be like a soap opera where it takes a week to make a cup of coffee? 

FRASIER 

I don't trust you and the last thing I want is to stroll into work on Monday with a big footprint on my face. 

MARTIN 

Why not, you used to walk into school like it. 

NILES 

Fine turn around. 

FRASIER TURNS AWAY FROM NILES 

FRASIER 

I'll tell you when I'm ready 

NILES 

Ok now a round-house kick looks like this. 

NILES TURNS AROUND, PULLS A FACE OF UTMOST CONCENTRATION AND THEN SPINS AND KICKS FRASIER AT AROUND WAIST HEIGHT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

There do you see. 

FRASIER 

OK I'm ready, Niles. 

NILES 

Ready for what? 

FRASIER 

For you to demonstrate. 

NILES 

I just did it. I just kicked you. 

FRASIER 

When? 

NILES 

Just now. 

FRASIER 

No you didn't. 

NILES 

Yes I did. I kicked you really hard. 

FRASIER 

This padding is more protective than I thought. 

DAPHNE 

This is Niles, we're talking about. He'd struggle to make a dent kicking a mound of flour. 

NILES 

All right Roz, your turn, let's see what we've got. Just do what I did. 

ROZ TURNS AWAY FROM FRASIER AND THEN SPINS AND KICKS FRASIER IN THE SAME AREA THAT NILES DID. THE FORCE OF WHICH CAUSES FRASIER TO FALL FLAT ON HIS FACE AND ROZ ACCIDENTALLY CATCHES NILES WITH HER FOLLOW THROUGH AND CAUSES HIM TO COLLAPSE ON THE COUCH 

FRASIER 

Internal bleeding! 

NILES 

Oh shut up Frasier at least you had padding. 

DAPHNE 

Get up then and let me have a go. 

FRASIER 

I can't. 

FRASIER ROLLS ON THE FLOOR, BUT CAN'T GET UPRIGHT DUE TO THE AMOUNT OF PADDING HE HAS ON 

ROZ 

For God's sake I didn't kick you that hard. 

FRASIER 

It's not that, with all this padding I can't move. 

NILES 

Here let me help you. 

NILES TRIES IN VAIN TO LIFT FRASIER AS HE CONTINUES TO ROLL ON THE FLOOR. THE LEG THAT ROZ KICKED EVENTUALLY GIVES WAY AND NILES FALLS ON TOP OF FRASIER 

FRASIER 

Ouch! Get off me you idiot. 

MARTIN 

It's amazing how quickly pride can suddenly turn to embarrassment. 

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXCHANGE A GLANCE OF RESIGNATION 

RESET TO: 

INT. SPORTS HALL — DAY — DAY/4   
(Roz, Daphne) 

ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN A SPORTS HALL WITH SEVERAL OTHER WOMEN ALL DRESSED IN SPORTS CLOTHES, EACH WEARING A NAME TAG WATCHING TWO INSTRUCTOR'S, PETER AND CARL, DEMONSTRATE SOME SELF DEFENCE MOVES AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. SPORTS HALL — MOMENTS LATER   
(Roz, Daphne, Mary, Sandra, Carl, Peter) 

ROZ AND DAPHNE STAND BY THE REFRESHMENT TABLE DURING A BREAK AS THE OTHER WOMEN MILL AROUND 

ROZ 

I still don't know how he talked me into letting him teach me. 

DAPHNE 

It beats the hell out of me. You've never got along since the moment I met you. 

ROZ 

We just had the wrong teacher. These guys are professional, fit and I bet they look oh so good naked. 

DAPHNE 

Roz, get your mind out of the gutter. 

SANDRA AND MARY APPROACH THE REFRESHMENT TABLE AND GET THEMSELVES A DRINK 

SANDRA 

Will you look at the buns of those two. 

MARY 

I wouldn't kick that Peter out of my cave. In fact I'd nail the door shut. 

SANDRA 

Do you think they're gay? 

MARY 

Well there are all the classic signs. Both gorgeous, intelligent, charming with bodies to die for. 

SANDRA 

Not to mention both wearing matching leopard skin, spandex leotards. 

MARY 

Oh look, the jumper's coming off. Ooh come to Momma. 

SANDRA AND MARY MOVE AWAY FROM THE TABLE 

DAPHNE 

Can you believe those women? 

ROZ 

Yeah I know, we saw them first. Come on let's do a little flirting. 

DAPHNE 

Excuse me? You do remember who I'm dating don't you? Or have you forgotten the small incident involving a wedding and a Winnebago? 

ROZ 

I'm not asking you to elope here. 

DAPHNE 

That's very generous of you. 

ROZ 

Just make some eye contact and make me sound good. 

DAPHNE 

In other words you're asking me for the impossible. 

ROZ 

Oh ha, ha. 

THEY MOVE OVER TO PETER AND CARL

ROZ 

Hi guys. 

READING THEIR NAME TAGS 

CARL 

Hi there Roz and Daphne is it. 

DAPHNE 

That's right. 

PETER 

Oh your English? 

DAPHNE 

That's right, Manchester. 

PETER 

I'm a Bournemouth lad myself. 

ROZ 

How long have you been in Seattle? 

PETER 

Just a couple of months. 

ROZ 

Then you could really use someone to show you all the hotspots. 

PETER 

Maybe. 

ROZ 

I'm the authority on the lay of the land around here. 

PETER 

Would you mind sharing that with me some time? 

CARL 

Peter we really need to restart. 

PETER 

Catch you later Roz. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT ON THE BENCH WITH EVERYONE ELSE 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God they are so gay. 

ROZ 

It's all in your imagination. 

DAPHNE 

They were constantly touching each other. 

PETER 

Ok, now what we want to do is just see how much you've picked up from the first session. So one by one I want you to come down here show us what you've got and we'll try to perfect it. So erm… Daphne why don't you come down here first? 

DAPHNE 

All right. 

DAPHNE WALKS OVER TO PETER 

PETER 

Just show me a simple waist high kick. 

DAPHNE KICKS INTO HIS PADDING 

PETER (CONT'D) 

We really need for you to get a bit more power behind that. Try again. 

DAPHNE KICKS INTO HIS PADDING AGAIN 

PETER (CONT'D) 

I know what may help. We need to get you angry. Now we need you to think of something that is really going to get you mad and the power will come from the emotion. 

DAPHNE 

I can't think of anything I'm not an angry person. 

PETER 

There must be something. 

DAPHNE 

No nothing. 

PETER 

Roz, do you have any ideas? 

ROZ 

Right now I have about a hundred. 

DAPHNE 

Are there any to do with me or are they all about sex? 

ROZ 

I have one for you. 

DAPHNE 

What? 

ROZ 

You know all those little incidents that you've been having with Niles lately and all the fights? 

DAPHNE 

Yes, I'm not sure I like where this is headed. 

ROZ 

He's been deliberately provoking you because he's so sexual frustrated and it turns him on when you yell at him. 

DAPHNE 

How do you know this? 

ROZ 

I overheard Frasier telling him off for it. 

DAPHNE 

That little bastard. 

SHE SUDDENLY TURNS AND KICKS PETER IN THE PADDING SEVERAL TIMES SHOUTING AS SHE DOES IT. THE FINAL BLOW KNOCKS PETER OFF HIS FEET 

PETER 

I said you needed to get mad not psychotic. 

DAPHNE 

I don't believe he's done this. 

ROZ 

The trick is not to get revenge on these pretty boys, you need to get revenge on Niles. And I know just the way. 

AS ROZ TRIES TO CALM DAPHNE DOWN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4   
(Niles, Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Martin) 

FRASIER ANSWERS THE FRONT DOOR AS HE STARES IN HORROR AT HIS LIVING ROOM WHICH IS NOW FULL OF MARTIN'S BEAVERS. ENTER NILES

NILES 

Oh my God, it's like a beaver morgue in here. 

FRASIER 

Who could possibly be sending them to him? He received three yesterday and four this morning. 

NILES 

The beaver of the month club perhaps. 

FRASIER 

I'm just praying that there's a fire, or an earthquake, an act of God, hell the invasion of the beaver snatchers, I don't care. I just don't want them in my apartment anymore. 

NILES 

What if one by one they were to just spontaneously combust? 

FRASIER 

I thought of that, but Dad saw me hovering around them with a fire lighter. Do you think he'd believe that they committed suicide over the terrace? 

NILES 

Frasier, they're already dead. Why would they need to commit suicide? 

FRASIER 

Oh I don't know, I'm just grasping at straws here. I feel like I'm being invaded here, not only by the beavers but by Roz. It's been a week now, Alice comes back from Rick's tonight. 

NILES 

You just want your space back. 

FRASIER 

Well yes, but I just feel that the longer she stays away, the more fear is going to build up in her and the harder it is going to be to go back. 

NILES 

Then tell her that. She'll understand that you're only looking out for her best interests. 

FRASIER 

I hope so. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND DAPHNE STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AS DAPHNE GETS OUT HER KEYS 

ROZ 

Are you OK? 

DAPHNE 

I told you, I'm fine. This is not going to bother me. It might bother him when I castrate him. 

ROZ 

Now Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

I know, I know. Everything is fine, I love Niles. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

AS BEFORE, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER 

FRASIER 

Hello ladies. How did the self-defence class go? 

ROZ 

Great. Really great in fact. 

FRASIER 

Did you hit on your instructor? 

ROZ 

Oh yeah. 

NILES 

Hello my love. 

DAPHNE 

Niles, I wasn't expecting to see you tonight. 

NILES 

I thought I'd surprise you and take you out to dinner. 

DAPHNE 

(INFURIATED) Oh 

ROZ 

Daphne! 

DAPHNE 

(LOVINGLY) Oh. I'll go and get ready then. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM 

FRASIER 

Niles, do you mind if Roz and I have a moment alone? 

NILES 

Of course. 

NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM 

FRASIER 

Roz, I need to talk to you about something. This is hard for me to say. 

ROZ 

What is it? 

FRASIER 

Roz I think its time you go back home. It's been nearly a week now and I don't think it's doing you any good avoiding the fear of going back to your apartment. 

ROZ 

OK Frasier. I'll just grab my things and I'll be off. 

FRASIER 

(SURPRISED) Are you sure? You don't want to talk about it? 

ROZ 

No 

FRASIER 

Well maybe I'm rushing you. You probably should stay here tonight. 

ROZ 

No honestly Frasier I'm fine. 

FRASIER 

I want you to stay here tonight. 

ROZ 

No, I should go back home. 

FRASIER 

Are you sure? I don't want to rush you. I think for the sake of mental health that you should stay here again tonight. 

ROZ 

Honestly Frasier I think I should go home. 

FRASIER 

But I don't want you to. Please Roz. 

ROZ 

I'm going home Frasier. But let me just speak to Daphne first. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE IS LOOKING IN HER WARDROBE AS NILES EXITS AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ (CONT'D) 

So are you all set to operate plan A? 

DAPHNE 

You bet I am. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

So how did it go? 

FRASIER 

Awful! 

NILES 

Is she upset? 

FRASIER 

No, she wants to leave. I don't think she's ready, this is a mistake. I have to talk to her. 

FRASIER EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR 

NILES 

But Frasier… Oh hi Dad. 

MARTIN 

That's it. The beavers are leaving. 

NILES 

Are they migrating? 

MARTIN 

No, I'm throwing them out. 

NILES 

Why? 

MARTIN 

I caught Eddie, humping one of them. 

NILES 

I see. 

MARTIN 

So did I, I got a big eye full. There are just some things you don't want to see. 

NILES 

Or hear about. 

MARTIN 

I wouldn't care if it was the Ballerina or the woman golfer, but no, Eddie has to take a liking to the quarterback. 

NILES 

With the position that he's been left in for eternity are you hardly surprised? If you ask me the whole incident was unavoidable. 

AS NILES GETS HIMSELF A DRINK WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: 'DECISION TIME: CLARK GABLE OR NILES CRANE?' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles) 

FRASIER IS ON THE PHONE AS MARTIN BOXES UP SOME OF HIS BEAVERS 

FRASIER 

She's still not answering her phone. 

MARTIN 

Well maybe she's out Frasier. Or maybe, just maybe because it's eleven o'clock and she knows Alice will be up before daybreak she might have gone to bed. 

FRASIER 

Or curled up in a cupboard with a tin of condensed milk and a pumpkin. 

MARTIN 

What? 

FRASIER 

It happened to a patient of mine once. 

MARTIN 

Oh Frasier will you let it go. You want to throw her out and when you do, she's not upset enough for you. 

FRASIER 

I'm just worried I may have rushed her. 

THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER AND A KEY IN THE DOOR CAN BE HEARD 

MARTIN 

Shhh they're back. Let's go to bed. 

MARTIN AND FRASIER EXIT TO THEIR ROOMS AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

DAPHNE 

You choose a bottle of wine and we can go out on the terrace. 

NILES 

Why don't you choose tonight? 

DAPHNE 

But it's your brothers. He pulls a face like he's chewing a wasp if I use a spoonful of his coffee. 

NILES 

That's a good point, he can only deny me a kidney and bone marrow if I open something I shouldn't. 

NILES EXITS TO THE KICTHEN AS DAPHNE OPENS THE TERRACE DOOR AND WALKS OUT ONTO IT 

RESET TO: 

EXT. TERRACE OF 1901 — CONTINUOUS

NILES ENTERS WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE AND TWO GLASSES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Here you go. 

DAPHNE 

The stars look absolutely beautiful tonight, don't they? 

NILES 

I don't know, I'm too distracted looking at someone else. 

DAPHNE 

Ark at you smooth talker. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

You put me at ease. I'm so glad you let me take you out tonight, it gives me the opportunity to say once again that I'm so sorry. 

DAPHNE 

Shhh forget about it, I have. I've been thinking. You know how we said we should cool it before one of us gets seriously injured. 

NILES 

Quite vividly, I still have the scar. 

DAPHNE 

Well I've been thinking, what if we were to change that statement slightly. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

What to? 

DAPHNE 

As God as my witness we're going to have sex or at least die trying. 

NILES 

That does arouse certain possibilities. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE 

I'm glad. Fancy dicing with death? 

NILES 

I'm warming to the idea. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE 

Good. Would you mind bringing the wine in? 

NILES 

Not at all. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS AS NILES PICKS UP THE BOTTLE OF WINE. WHILE HIS BACK IS TURNED DAPHNE SHUTS THE TERRACE DOOR AND LOCKS IT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne what are you doing? 

DAPHNE 

What do you mean? 

NILES 

This is virtually impossible with us on different sides of a sheet of glass. That's why they arrange weekly conjugal visits in prison. 

DAPHNE 

Before I let you in, I have a question to ask. 

NILES 

Yes? 

DAPHNE 

Have you been deliberately provoking me? 

NILES 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Have you been deliberately starting fights with me? 

NILES 

Daphne I have no idea what you're talking about. 

DAPHNE 

That's OK. While you stay out there and try to conjure up the idea, I'll just stay in here in the warm and watch the television. 

DAPHNE SITS DOWN AND TURNS THE TELEVISION ON 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Ooh look, Gone With The Wind is just starting. I'm just in the mood for a three hour epic. Let me get just comfortable. 

NILES 

All right Daphne, I know I'm in the wrong here. 

DAPHNE TURNS THE TELEVISION OFF 

DAPHNE 

Damn bloody right you're in the wrong. Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me recently? The amount of nights that I've cried myself to sleep because you've been so thoughtless. I've no idea who you are recently. This is not the Niles Crane I fell in love with. 

NILES 

Daphne, I'm sorry. I know my actions have been unforgivable, but look at this from my angle, do you have any idea how sexual frustrated I am at the moment? 

DAPHNE 

And you don't think I am? You don't think I've wanted to turn up at your office in nothing but a smile and a whip cream teddy and show you what that couch is really made for? 

NILES 

But you've never even given me the slightest indication you felt the same recently. 

DAPHNE 

That's because you're the one who said we should cool it. 

NILES 

I had to Daphne, I nearly lost an eye. 

DAPHNE 

And that's my fault? You can barely pick up a stick of celery without spraining your wrist. I told you, you wouldn't be able to carry me. 

NILES 

Well forgive me for trying to make our first time special, remind me not to bother next time. 

DAPHNE 

It amazes me that you expect a next time. 

NILES 

Wait now Daphne let's just calm down, before we say something we'll regret. 

DAPHNE 

I already have, when I said drive. I'm going to bed. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM 

NILES 

Wait Daphne… I'm sorry. 

AS NILES STARES AFTER HER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne) 

FRASIER STANDS IN THE LIVING ROOM HOLDING THE PHONE TO HIS EAR 

FRASIER 

Oh come on Roz, answer the phone. I have to go around there. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND MOVES TO THE PEG TO GET HIS COAT. AS HE DOES HE NOTICES NILES ASLEEP ON THE TERRACE FLOOR. FRASIER EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS ASLEEP WITH EDDIE ON THE END OF HIS BED AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Dad! Dad! 

MARTIN 

What the hell is it? Do you have any idea what time it is? 

FRASIER 

There's a burglar on the balcony. 

MARTIN 

I actually hinting at three-thirty. 

FRASIER 

No honestly Dad, there's a burglar on the balcony. 

MARTIN 

Are you sure? 

FRASIER 

Of course I'm sure. It's virtually impossible to mistake a person for a ficus tree. 

MARTIN 

Well how did he get up here? 

FRASIER 

I don't know, maybe he's Superman, maybe he grew wings and flew, how should I know. What do we do now? 

MARTIN 

Well since you've done the obvious thing and wake up an old man with a cane and a little dog, I guess now we do the most ridiculous thing that pops into our heads and call the Police. 

FRASIER 

I did call the Police, I called you. Oh no I left the phone in the living room. 

MARTIN 

Who were you calling? 

FRASIER 

Roz. 

MARTIN 

Oh Frasier! 

FRASIER 

Spare me the lecture Dad and just help me deal with this. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN AND FRASIER SLOWLY AND QUIETLY CREEP INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Wait where's your gun? 

MARTIN 

I can't remember my gun and my underwear you know. 

FRASIER 

And I'm glad you made the right choice. Ooh I've an idea. Give me your cane I'll have something to bash him with. 

MARTIN 

You can't have that, I'll fall over. 

MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE'S FLUFFY BANANA 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Here, we'll use this, he might think it's a gun in the dark. 

FRASIER 

That's Eddie's toy banana. 

MARTIN 

So? 

FRASIER 

How you remained on the Police force for thirty years still amazes me. 

MARTIN 

He looks asleep, this will make it easier. On the count of three you open the door. 

FRASIER 

Why can't you open the door? 

MARTIN 

Because I'm holding the banana. 

FRASIER 

Then let me hold the banana and you open the door. 

MARTIN 

But I've got more experience holding a weapon. 

FRASIER 

Just because you were a Policeman does not make you the authority on operating a fluffy, squeaky banana. 

ENTER EDDIE WHO SEES MARTIN HOLDING THE BANANA, JUMPS UP AND BITES THE OTHER END RESULTING IN MARTIN AND EDDIE HAVING A TUG OF WAR. 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

This is no time for games. 

MARTIN 

He won't let go. 

FRASIER THEN GRABS EDDIE AND TRIES TO PULL HIM OFF THE BANANA. EDDIE EVENTUALLY LOOSES THE BATTLE, LETTING GO OF THE BANANA AND NEARLY CAUSING BOTH MARTIN AND FRASIER TO TUMBLE TO THE FLOOR. 

FRASIER 

Do you see the trouble you've caused with that thing? Now give me the banana. 

MARTIN 

No, it was my idea. 

FRASIER 

This is my house, now give me the banana. 

MARTIN 

Just open the door, he's waking up. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND MARTIN POINTS THE BANANA AT NILES 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Freeze! Put your hands above your head. 

NILES RAISES HIS HANDS 

NILES 

What the hell are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Niles? 

NILES 

Of course Niles! 

MARTIN 

Well I'm sorry if we were so surprised but we'd forgotten we'd sublet you our balcony. 

FRASIER 

We thought you were a burglar. 

MARTIN 

You're lucky Niles, I could have shot you. 

NILES 

With what a banana? 

FRASIER 

What are you doing out here anyway? 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

What the bloody hell's all this noise? Oh. 

NILES RUSHES TO DAPHNE 

NILES 

Daphne please, just let me explain. 

DAPHNE 

Give me one reason why I should. 

A BEAT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Too late. 

DAPHNE PULLS HIS SUSPENDERS AND THEN LETS THEM SNAP AGAINST HIS CHEST 

EXIT DAPHNE

NILES 

Daphne found out. She's a little upset. 

MARTIN 

Well that's stating the obvious. 

NILES 

I have to make her listen. 

NILES EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM 

MARTIN 

There's a burglar on the balcony! How can you not recognise your own brother? 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sorry but you didn't recognise him either. 

MARTIN 

How could I? Between being woken up with a start in the middle of the night, trying to remember me underwear and trying to stop you from taking my cane and my banana it's a wonder I can speak in complete sentences. 

FRASIER 

Well since I'm up and now more alert than if I'd had an expresso transfusion, I think I might take a walk. 

MARTIN 

You're going to see Roz aren't you? 

FRASIER 

Of course not. 

MARTIN 

OK, I'm going back to bed. 

FRASIER 

See you in the morning. 

MARTIN 

Goodnight son. Say hi to Roz for me. 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

I will do. 

RESET TO: 

INT. OUTSIDE DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES STANDS OUTSIDE DAPHNE'S DOOR 

NILES 

Daphne. Daphne. All right you don't have to speak, just listen to me. 

NILES PLACES HIS HANDKERCHIEF ON THE FLOOR AND SITS ON IT AND LEANS UP HER DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I can't begin to imagine where this puts us now. The greatest thing that's ever happened to me in my life and I spoil it. I know I've been acting like a complete ass around you recently and I apologise for that. The problem is though, and I'm not trying to make excuses here, I've been acting this way around you for the last seven years, you just never noticed. I still remember the first time I saw you as clear as if it happened this evening. I came around to get Frasier to sign an autograph for our maid. And as I turned there you were. The most indescribably beautiful creature I had ever seen. I found it hard to speak more than a few sentences, hell I found it hard to breathe. You had such a manner about you, you were so comfortable with yourself you put me at ease and at the same time for those moments everyday that I spent with you, suddenly I felt alive, like I could do anything as long as you were with me. A sensation that I'd never experienced before. And the more you made me feel like that the more time I wanted to spend around you, and the more time I spent around you, the more I fell in love with you. You've made me happier these last few months than I ever knew it was possible and I thankyou for that. It's funny once again I find myself in the same situation as I did on the balcony at the Wayside Inn. I don't want to stop talking, because if I do, you might tell me it's all over, and if that's what you're going to say I can at least make this moment last a little longer. I have loved you for so long, I can't even remember what it feels like to not love you which means I will never stop loving you and since I feel that way I can see that it's best, that I leave. I don't want to hurt you anymore, the thought of making you cry destroys me. Good bye Daphne. 

NILES WHO AT THIS POINT IS BREAKING DOWN TURNS AND KISSES THE DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I love you. 

THE DOOR OPENS AS DAPHNE ENTERS. THE DOOR OPENS INWARDS AND SO NILES FALLS FLAT ON HIS BACK AND STARES UP AT HER 

DAPHNE 

How can you think I'd say it was over? You're the love of my life. Do you honestly think I'd give that up because you have trouble keeping your hormones in check? 

DAPHNE GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND HUGS NILES AS HE SITS UP 

NILES 

But you said… 

DAPHNE 

Yes I know what I said, I also said I was in love with Donny Osmond once. I was angry. 

NILES 

Daphne I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me? 

DAPHNE 

Under one condition. You never do this again. 

NILES 

You can count on it. Thankyou Daphne. 

NILES KISSES HER 

DAPHNE 

Don't jump the gun, you're still in the doghouse. 

NILES 

You're not going to lock me on the balcony again are you? 

DAPHNE 

No, but blame Roz it was her idea. 

NILES 

It was her idea to lock me on the balcony? 

DAPHNE 

Well actually it was her idea to get you all horny and then lock you on the balcony. 

NILES 

Well mission accomplished. I am so, so sorry and I will spend the rest of my life making sure that you don't regret this decision. Well it's late, I probably should go. 

DAPHNE 

You don't have to. 

NILES 

I know but that couch hurts my back. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sure I could make room for you in my room. 

DAPHNE AND NILES GET UP OFF THE FLOOR AND EXIT TO HER ROOM AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) Erm… Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

(OFFSTAGE) Don't even think about it. I have a mousetrap and I'm not afraid to us it. 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) I was going to say I think I left my handkerchief outside. 

DAPHNE 

(OFFSTAGE) Sorry. 

A BEAT 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) Erm Daphne… 

DAPHNE 

(OFFSTAGE) No. 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) I just thought I'd check. 

AS ALL GOES QUIET WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROZ'S APARTMENT — NIGHT — NIGHT/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Peter) 

FRASIER, DRESSED IN HIS PYJAMAS AND A COAT STANDS OUTSIDE ROZ'S APARTMENT POUNDING ON THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Roz! Roz! Roz, its Frasier, will you open the door. 

THE DOOR OPENS, ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

Frasier will you keep your voice down, you'll wake Alice, not to mention the entire building. What are you doing here? At four in the morning? In your pyjamas? Oh my God, I'm flattered Frasier, but no! 

FRASIER 

Roz I was worried about you. 

ROZ 

There's no need Frasier, honestly. 

FRASIER 

I just think I rushed you. 

ROZ 

Sometimes a person needs to be rushed. Now goodbye. 

SHE QUICKLY SHUTS THE DOOR WHICH HITS HIS KNEE AND PREVENTS IT FROM CLOSING 

FRASIER 

Wait Roz, I've been calling all evening and I got no reply. 

ROZ 

That's because I didn't pick up the phone. 

FRASIER 

You've been too scared to haven't you? 

ROZ 

No Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Than what's been going on? 

ENTER PETER WHO WALKS UP BEHIND ROZ 

PETER 

Is everything OK Roz? 

ROZ 

Everything is fine. Peter this is Frasier, Frasier this is Peter my self-defence class teacher. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see, how do you do? 

PETER EXITS BACK INTO HER APARTMENT AS FRASIER PULLS ROZ OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR 

ROZ 

Don't look at me like that. I just invited him up here to show me his moves. 

FRASIER 

Oh I don't doubt it. Well I see that you're fine, I should be going. Bye Roz. 

ROZ 

Bye Frasier. 

ROZ EXITS INTO HER APARTMENT AND SHUTS THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Is there anyone she won't sleep with? 

ROZ 

(THROUGH THE DOOR) I heard that and I've got a guy in here who could kick your ass. 

AS FRASIER RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 


	12. Episode Twelve

_I don't own any of these characters. The rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. _

_Enjoy… _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twelve   
The St. Valentines Day Massacre 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'DID SHE EVER THINK THAT IT MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY THE WARMER WEATHER?' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles) 

FRASIER, ROZ AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA DRINKING COFFEE 

FRASIER 

And what's caused that smile across your face? Am I to detect that you've finally decided to accept that you're not twenty-one anymore and seek a meaningful relationship? Or have you scratched the two hundredth conquest mark of your bedpost? 

ROZ 

No. I'm celebrating the fact that I have a date this Valentine's day. 

FRASIER 

A date? 

ROZ 

That's right. 

NILES 

A date? As in one date? 

ROZ 

Yes, why are you both so surprised? 

FRASIER 

Oh no reason. 

NILES 

Don't be coy Frasier, the lady asked a question. And I use the term lady here in the loosest possible way. It's because you normally have a date for breakfast, a date for lunch, two for dinner, and one on reserve in case you decide to indulge in a midnight snack. We call it the 'Him fast' diet. 

ROZ 

So you've finally admitted that I could eat you for breakfast little man. And anyway give me time, there's still two days to go. 

FRASIER 

Yes and by that time her dance card will have been punched so often that it will have started to disintegrate in her hand. 

ROZ 

You're just jealous. 

FRASIER 

You know what? I am jealous. Monogamy is so over rated these days. Forever is such a long time. 

NILES 

Ooh what a splendid idea. Mahogany wardrobes. No that wouldn't work. 

FRASIER 

What are you blabbering on about? 

NILES 

I'm trying to come up the perfect Valentine's gift for Daphne because it's our first one together. 

ROZ 

And your first instinct was a wardrobe? Well move over Casanova, Niles Crane is taking over your turf. 

FRASIER 

Just cook her a nice romantic meal and buy her a bunch of flowers. 

NILES 

This coming from a man who is lucky if he can get through appetisers with a woman, without them getting beeped because of a work related pot-pouri emergency. 

FRASIER 

That only happened twice and I'll have you know I happen to have a date this year. 

ROZ 

Wow! Your application for that mail order bride has finally been accepted, congratulations. 

FRASIER 

That's very amusing. It's Charlotte from the station. 

ROZ 

Charlotte? You've been dating Charlotte? 

FRASIER 

Yes, what's wrong with that? I'm meeting her again this afternoon. 

ROZ 

Nothing, nothing at all. 

FRASIER 

Then why are you laughing? 

ROZ 

Oh come on Frasier, she's the office bike. She's slept with more people at the office then I hav… if my memory serves me correct, Bulldog did. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure you're just exaggerating. 

NILES 

I hope she is for your sake. You've never been able to go near a bike without a helmet, knee, elbow pads and stabilisers. Which I'm afraid to say is not a terribly romantic image when it's coming wobbling towards you on an intimate evening. 

ROZ 

And she not exactly the prettiest child in the playground. 

FRASIER 

And what do you mean by that? 

ROZ 

When everyone else was joining the queue for good looks she was someone in the back being beaten around the head with an ugly stick. 

FRASIER 

I think she has a real quality about her. 

ROZ 

Like a she should be locked up in a stable with a barrel of hay quality. 

FRASIER 

Anyway back to you celebrating your first Valentine's Day with Daphne by giving her wood. 

NILES 

You know a nice intimate dinner at home is not a bad idea. Being alone instead of a crowded restaurant may bring us closer to consummating our physical relationship. 

ROZ 

Oh my God Niles! 

NILES 

Well forgive me Roz if I don't take several steps down and speak with your street person vernacular. But saying 'it may bring me closer to barfing my girlfriend' doesn't exactly express my feelings for her. 

ROZ 

I didn't mean that. This stand off between you and Daphne is turning into some kind of medical condition. The wedding was in May, it's now February. 

NILES 

I don't now what we'd do without your knack for stating the obvious Roz. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God, that's ten months. 

ROZ 

You haven't had sex for ten months? My God, no wonder you sweat a lot, if you didn't you'd explode. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHAT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Deliveryman, Daphne, Niles) 

MARTIN STANDS TALKING ON THE PHONE AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

No thanks, I'll just go with the roses. A dozen please. 

FRASIER 

Oh my Dad, a dozen red roses? 

MARTIN 

Sshh. That's right, Ok thanks Mark, I'll see you later. 

FRASIER 

Mark? 

MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR 

MARTIN 

My buddy from McGuinty's. He works at that novelty shop up on 6th. 

FRASIER 

Why would you be ordering roses from a novelty shop? 

MARTIN 

Because he sells the plastic kind. 

FRASIER 

Oh Dad, you really do spare every expense. 

MARTIN 

What makes more sense, spending a hundred dollars on something that only lasts a few days, or three dollars a bunch on something that will last years as long as you don't leave them in direct sun light or next to your boiler. 

FRASIER 

Somewhere in there I'm sure there's a point, waiting to be made. So who is the lucky lady? 

MARTIN 

Mandy Klein from 1304. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God Dad! 

MARTIN 

What? 

FRASIER 

If you scraped the bottom of the barrel anymore you'd make a hole in it. 

MARTIN 

What's the matter with Mandy? 

FRASIER 

To start with she's a sixty-year-old woman with a tattoo. 

MARTIN 

That's a birthmark. 

FRASIER 

It's shaped like Elvis Priestly. 

MARTIN 

That's why she was on 60 Minutes. 

SFX: DOORBELL 

FRASIER 

No Dad, she was on 60 Minutes because she's kept a dead dog in the freezer for two years. 

MARTIN 

She was keeping it frozen until they found a cure. 

FRASIER 

It was run over by a pick up truck! Its head was separated from its body. That's very fatal, there will never be a cure. You can't just glue it back on. 

MARTIN 

Well Mary's optimistic. 

FRASIER 

What that she won't be committed? 

SFX: DOORBELL 

MARTIN 

Are you going to answer the door? 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, ENTER DELIVERYMAN 

DELIVERYMAN 

I have a delivery for Daphne Moon. 

FRASIER 

You've come to the right place. 

DELIVERYMAN 

Sign here please. OK, bring them in. 

FRASIER SIGNS THE CLIPBOARD AS SEVERAL DELIVERYMEN APPEAR FROM AROUND THE CORNER AND FILL THE LIVING ROOM WITH SEVERAL LARGE BOUQUETS AND BASKETS OF FLOWERS 

FRASIER 

Thankyou. 

EXIT DELIVERYMAN AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR 

MARTIN 

I wonder who they're from? 

FRASIER 

Well let's see, who could possibly be sending Daphne flowers? 

MARTIN 

They can't all be from Niles. 

FRASIER 

The cards are all signed by Niles. They kind of put your plastic roses to shame. Saying that a bald budgie in a butter dish would put your plastic roses to shame. (SHOUTS) Daphne! 

MARTIN 

And just what have you bought this Charlotte, other than a Valentine's Night full of misery? 

FRASIER 

Your confidence in my success rate in relationships just staggers me. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Oh good Lord, look at all these flowers. Are they for your date? 

FRASIER 

The delivery was for you. 

DAPHNE 

For me? All of these? Who are they from? 

FRASIER 

My God, what is it with you two? The obvious guess would be Niles unless there's something you're not telling us. 

DAPHNE 

They're all from Niles? 

FRASIER 

I guess so. 

DAPHNE 

I've got to call him. I can't believe he did this. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

This places me in a bit of a predicament. 

MARTIN 

Why? 

FRASIER 

Well Charlotte's coming around in a while. 

MARTIN 

So? She doesn't have a rose phobia does she? 

FRASIER 

The point I'm making is that the bunch of flowers I've bought her are going to seem a bit of a minimalist gesture and a little insignificant compared to the florist shop that Niles has sent over here. 

MARTIN 

Then get her something else. 

FRASIER 

I would Dad, but you know how competitive Niles can get. If he knows I'm trying to improve my gift then he'll think I'm just trying to out-do him and it'll end up with us competing. 

MARTIN 

Then don't tell him. 

FRASIER 

Oh Dad why do you always… (THINKS) have the best ideas. 

DAPHNE ENTERS TALKING ON THE PHONE AND SMELLS THE FLOWERS 

DAPHNE 

Oh Niles they're wonderful, but you shouldn't have. 

SFX: DOORBELL 

DAPHNE WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I only wish you were here so that I could thankyou in person. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE 

NILES 

OK 

DAPHNE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM 

MARTIN 

I'm telling you Frasier, don't let him know, because your brother paid very close attention and learnt from the master, me. And no one was better than me at this. 

AS NILES SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: 'CHEQUE BOOKS AT THE READY' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/3   
(Charlotte, Frasier, Roz, Todd, Niles, Daphne) 

FRASIER AND CHARLOTTE SIT DRINKING COFFEE 

CHARLOTTE 

And then the rabbit says, back away from me you money-grabbing hoe before I call the pumpkin seller. Oh come on Frasier, you have to think that one was funny. 

FRASIER 

Believe me I'm laughing on the inside. 

CHARLOTTE 

My parole officer nearly burst a gut laughing at it. 

FRASIER 

Yes, Charlotte, about that small matter… 

CHARLOTTE 

I've told you Frasier there's no need to worry, I take my medication now. 

ENTER ROZ AND TODD 

ROZ 

Hi guys. 

FRASIER 

Hi Roz. 

ROZ 

Frasier, Charlotte, I want you to meet Todd. 

FRASIER 

Hello Todd, a pleasure to meet you. 

CHARLOTTE 

Hi. 

TODD 

Can I get anyone a coffee? 

ROZ 

Please. 

TODD 

I'll be back in a minute. 

TODD MOVES OVER TO THE COUNTER 

ROZ 

So what do you think? 

FRASIER 

I haven't had long enough yet, I'll write up my full report later and send it to you. 

ROZ 

Couldn't you just bite those cheeks? 

FRASIER 

I'm going to have to say no. And I'd advice you to think the same if this relationship is going to last longer than a tetanus shot. 

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE 

NILES 

Hello everyone. Do you mind if we join you? 

FRASIER 

Not at all, the more the merrier. Charlotte, you remember my brother Niles and his girlfriend Daphne. 

CHARLOTTE 

Of course. I don't think I've ever seen so many flowers. 

NILES 

I'll get us a coffee. 

ROZ 

No need, Todd bring over two latte's please. 

NILES 

You know that man? 

ROZ 

Yes, we've been kind of dating. 

NILES 

Oh. 

ROZ 

Wait what does that mean? 

NILES 

Nothing. 

ROZ 

Oh come on you know something don't you? 

NILES 

Not at all. 

ROZ 

He's one of your patients isn't he? 

NILES 

Pressing your heel on my foot is not going to make me tell you. But pressing that hard will. Yes, all right he is a patient, end of discussion, don't let on you know. 

ROZ 

What's his problem? 

NILES 

Roz I can't tell you that. Apart from violating my ethics it's doctor, patient confidentiality, I'm ashamed I've let on he's a patient. 

ROZ 

If he's some sick, decapitated bunny loving wack job I want to know before you find my body on top of the Space Needle sown inside a dead horse. 

NILES 

You can make anything sound bad. I'm sorry Roz, no. 

ROZ 

Niles! 

NILES 

No 

ROZ 

Niles! 

ROZ'S HAND DISAPPEARS UNDER THE TABLE IN NILES' GENERAL DIRECTION. HE FLINCHES AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN. 

NILES 

Ahhhh. Issue's with his mother. 

ROZ 

Norman Bates kind of issues? 

NILES 

He feels she's been suffocating him. 

ROZ LETS GO AND PLACES HER HAND BACK ON THE TABLE 

ROZ 

Now was that so hard? 

NILES 

My God Roz, have you never heard of a nail file? 

TODD BRINGS THE COFFEE'S OVER 

TODD 

And here's your coffee's. 

TODD NOTICES NILES AND BECOMES QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE 

TODD (CONT'D) 

Ooh Roz, mind if we sit at another table? 

ROZ 

I guess not. 

ROZ AND TODD MOVE TO ANOTHER TABLE 

DAPHNE 

Do your patients normally run away from you that fast? 

NILES 

It's awkward for them. 

CHARLOTTE 

Especially after the money he pays you and then he's just bought you coffee as well. 

DAPHNE 

I do like those earrings Charlotte. 

CHARLOTTE 

Thankyou, Frasier bought them for me. 

DAPHNE 

How wonderful. 

NILES 

Yes wonderful. Frasier can I have a word with you for a moment. 

FRASIER 

Of course. Ladies if you'll excuse us. 

NILES AND FRASIER MOVE OVER TO THE COUNTER 

NILES 

What is the matter with you? 

FRASIER 

There's nothing wrong with me, you're the one who brought us over here. 

NILES 

I mean Charlotte. 

FRASIER 

Oh that wasn't true Niles, it was just a rumour. And anyway two jury's found her not guilty. 

NILES 

I didn't mean that. 

FRASIER 

Well I think she may be some sort of sexual obsessive, but after all I am a skilled therapist. I may be able to encourage it. 

NILES 

I meant the jewellery. 

FRASIER 

I know it is a bit garish but she likes it. 

NILES 

Please understand Frasier before one of us dies. Did you have to flash it in front of Daphne? My flowers seem a bit cliché and unimaginative compared to the stocks you've just bought in Harry Winston's. Especially as we've been together ten months and you've been together, what, two days. 

FRASIER 

Niles, don't worry about it, Daphne probably hasn't even thought of it like that. 

DAPHNE WALKS TO THE COUNTER AND PICKS UP A FRESH JUG OF CREAM 

DAPHNE 

My God, if you buy her that after two days Dr. Crane are we to expect children by Easter? 

DAPHNE GOES BACK TO THE TABLE 

NILES 

Perfect. Now I have to think of something else. 

FRASIER 

Just forget about it Niles. Daphne knows you love her, isn't that enough. 

NILES 

No. 

FRASIER 

Well if you're going to try to think of something better than flowers, trust me it's not easy. 

NILES 

Wait a minute. You told me you were just going to buy Charlotte a bouquet of roses. 

FRASIER 

Did I? Oh well I changed my mind. 

NILES 

Did you? Because I bought my girlfriend the most extravagant gift you had to try to out-do me. 

FRASIER 

You're being ridiculous. 

NILES 

Am I? Then you won't mind if I go out and buy Daphne something else will you? 

FRASIER 

Not at all. 

NILES AND FRASIER MOVE BACK TO THE TABLE 

NILES 

Daphne, I've just thought of something. I have a little surprise for you that I have to pick up. So I'll come around later. 

DAPHNE 

OK, bye love. 

THEY KISS BEFORE NILES EXITS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Ooh I wonder what it could be. 

CHARLOTTE 

How exciting. Do you have any idea what it is? 

DAPHNE 

Not at all. 

CHARLOTTE 

You're so lucky. 

FRASIER 

Charlotte, I've just thought of something. I have a little surprise for you… 

AS FRASIER FINISHES HIS SENTENCE AND EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/3   
(Niles, Martin, Daphne, Frasier) 

MARTIN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER NILES 

NILES 

Hi Dad. 

MARTIN 

Hay Niles. 

NILES 

Ooh what's in there? 

MARTIN 

Some flowers I bought for Mary for Valentine's day. 

NILES 

Then Dad you should be keeping them in water and in the sunlight, not wrapped up in tissue paper in a credenza. 

MARTIN 

It's OK, they're plastic flowers. 

NILES 

Oh, why… why… why? 

MARTIN 

Why what? 

NILES 

Just in general, why? 

MARTIN 

So what's in the bag? 

NILES 

A present I got for Daphne. Feast your eyes on this. 

HE OPENS UP THE SMALL BOX 

MARTIN 

Wow, Niles that must have cost you a fortune. 

NILES 

Well it was either buy Daphne this or spend the money on an extensive breeding programme that would prevent the extinction of seventeen variety's of mammals in the wild. I think I made the right decision. 

MARTIN 

It's not an engagement ring is it? 

NILES 

No not yet, but watch this space. So is Daphne in her room? 

MARTIN 

Yes. You boys are certainly going all out this year. 

NILES GOES TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM BUT THEN STOPS IN HIS TRACKS 

NILES 

What do you mean by that? 

MARTIN 

Frasier was around here with Charlotte earlier showing me this antique watch that he bought her. It used to belong to the royal family. 

NILES 

Really? Did Daphne hear this? 

MARTIN 

Yeah, she was really impressed. 

NILES 

Damn him. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Niles, hello. 

NILES 

Oh hi Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

With that welcome, be still my beating heart. What's the matter? 

NILES 

Oh nothing, I'm sorry. 

DAPHNE 

What's in that box? 

NILES 

Just something I was considering giving you for Valentine's but it doesn't truly express my feeling's for you. 

DAPHNE 

Oh Niles, I'm sure what ever it is, it's fine. 

NILES 

It's not honestly it's hideous. 

DAPHNE 

Plastic flowers are hideous. And anyway you have the most exquisite taste. 

NILES 

I do when it comes to women. 

DAPHNE 

So can I see it then? 

NILES 

I guess so, but I'm taking it back to get you something grander. 

NILES HANDS HER THE BOX 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God Niles, it's magnificent. 

NILES 

You deserve so much more. I'm taking it back. 

DAPHNE 

Could I at least wear it until then? 

NILES 

Why would you want that monstrosity? 

DAPHNE 

Oh Niles, please. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

NILES 

I don't know how I could refuse. 

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY EXIT TO HER ROOM AS FRASIER ENTERS 

FRASIER 

Hi Dad. What's up with those two? 

MARTIN 

You should see the ring he just bought her. You could sell it and fund the Space programme for the next twenty years with the proceeds. 

FRASIER 

And she likes it? 

MARTIN 

What woman wouldn't? 

FRASIER 

Damn him. 

AS FRASIER EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Martin) 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER ROZ 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Roz, what can I do for you? 

ROZ 

Nothing. Is Niles here? 

FRASIER 

I don't think so. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

Daphne do you know where Niles is? 

DAPHNE 

He did have a patient but he said he'd be around later this afternoon. Why? 

ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH 

ROZ 

I just need to talk to him about Todd. 

DAPHNE 

Todd? Why? 

ROZ 

Last night he woke me up screaming some other woman's name in his sleep. 

DAPHNE 

Oh and you want to see if he's said anything to Niles. 

FRASIER 

Oh come on Roz haven't you made him breach his ethics enough over the last couple of days? 

ROZ 

I just want to know if this woman he was screaming about is the competition or with any luck his mother. 

FRASIER 

His mother? Are you seriously telling me that you'd prefer him to shouting out his mother's name in his sleep then him seeing someone else? 

ROZ 

If he was shouting his mother's name during sex then I'd be concerned. But the one thing that I've learnt through relationships is that it's better to be the cheater than the cheatee. 

DAPHNE 

For a couple of reasons. 

ROZ 

And I don't like being cheated on. If anyone has to do the cheating, I want it to be me. 

DAPHNE 

Well I'm sure he'll be here soon. He cancelled all his other patients so that we could spend the afternoon together. 

ROZ 

Ahh that's so sweet. 

FRASIER 

Oh you're impressed by that? You're here just in time to be so impressed, you'll want to crown me as your leader and parade me around the streets on your shoulders. 

FRASIER TURNS ON THE RADIO. WE HEAR THE END OF A SONG PLAYING 

DJ 

And that song goes out to Charlotte this Valentine's day from Frasier Crane. 

FRASIER TURNS OFF THE RADIO 

FRASIER 

So are you impressed? 

ROZ 

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh yeah, wow, you requested a song on the radio, talk about mission impossible. 

FRASIER 

And what does that mean? 

DAPHNE 

You work on the radio. It's not particularly impressive when your average Joe does it let alone when someone who actually works there does it. It would be like me giving a massage as a surprise for Valentine's day. 

ROZ 

Actually Daph that's not a bad idea. 

DAPHNE 

I was just thinking that, if the evening happens to take that turn. 

ROZ 

If you do that, the evening will take that turn. 

FRASIER 

Well let's just see if Charlotte was impressed. 

FRASIER DIALS THE PHONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Hello Charlotte. Where you listening to KACL just? What do you mean no? What were you doing? You didn't need to go into detail. Saying you were in the bathroom was good enough. Well never mind. OK, bye. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE 

ROZ 

And what were you thinking broadcasting to the whole of Seattle that you've been dating her? 

FRASIER 

What's wrong with that? 

ROZ 

Frasier you know all about her reputation. 

FRASIER 

As I've already told Niles, two jury's found her not guilty. 

ROZ 

I meant her being a sexaholic. 

FRASIER 

What's the big deal? I can learn to accept her little peccadillo. 

DAPHNE 

She has a pet peccadillo? One of those things with a snout and a scaly back? 

FRASIER 

Those are armadillos. And what's the big deal about being a sexaholic? I've heard that word used in the same sentence as your name. 

ROZ 

Every other guy on the street is going to be able to stop you and compare notes. 

FRASIER 

Oh like they do with you. 

ROZ 

That was a cheap shot and I am not cheap. 

SFX: DOORBELL 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES 

DAPHNE 

Hello. 

ROZ 

Good Niles, I need to talk to you. 

NILES 

Not now Roz. 

ROZ 

Don't make me hurt you again, remember I have a grip of steel. 

NILES 

Just wait for one moment Roz. Daphne come out on to the balcony with me. 

NILES TAKES DAPHNE'S HAND AND THEY EXIT ONTO THE BALCONY 

FRASIER 

What's he done now, erected a billboard across the road declaring his love. 

ROZ 

Just face it, he's better at this than you. 

FRASIER 

Never. I will never admit it because it's not true. Not true I tell you. 

ENTER DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Roz, Dr. Crane, you've got to come and see this. 

DAPHNE, ROZ AND FRASIER EXIT ON TO THE BALCONY AND STARE UP AT THE SKY. AFTER A MOMENT, FRASIER ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

What's going on? 

FRASIER 

Oh nothing much. Niles just hired a plane to write 'I Love You Daphne' in the sky. 

MARTIN 

Wow, really? I told you, he learnt from the master. 

FRASIER 

I would hardly call a man who buys plastic roses the master of romance. The master of cheapness maybe. 

SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Hello? Oh Charlotte. Yes I did see it. It's a very romantic thing to do isn't it? Ok, I'll see you later. 

FRASIER HANGS UP HIS PHONE, PICKS UP A COUCH CUSHION AND SHOUTS INTO IT. 

MARTIN 

Frasier don't drawl on the couch cushions. You'll set a bad example for Eddie. 

FRASIER 

It's one o'clock. 

MARTIN 

Frasier, you're a psychiatrist, you don't need a part time position as the voice of the speaking clock. If you're running short on money, remember I have a pension. 

FRASIER 

I have to be in work in an hour, what can I possibly find in that time to top this? 

MARTIN 

Oh come on Frasier, this is stupid. 

FRASIER 

To a man who buys plastic roses for a woman on Valentine's day it may be. You should have heard Charlotte. I will not let him beat me. I'll see you later. 

FRASIER EXITS AS ROZ ENTERS 

ROZ 

Where's Frasier gone? 

ENTER NILES 

MARTIN 

To try to find something better than the calligraphy in sky out there. 

ENTER DAPHNE 

NILES 

He did what? 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? 

NILES 

Oh nothing. Daphne I have to go out for just an hour. 

DAPHNE 

But I thought we were going to spend the afternoon together. 

NILES 

And we will, but I just need to pick up something else for dinner, I shouldn't be more than an hour. 

DAPHNE 

Ok then. 

THEY KISS BEFORE NILES MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR FOLLOWED BY ROZ 

ROZ 

Niles before you go, I need to talk to you about Todd. 

NILES 

No, Roz. 

ROZ 

Niles! 

NILES 

No. 

EXIT NILES AND ROZ. AFTER A MOMENT WE HEAR NILES SHOUT. ENTER ROZ 

ROZ 

I don't know why he didn't just give in. Look damn it I broke a nail. 

DAPHNE 

Is it another woman? 

ROZ 

A childhood pet cat. He kept it in a box in his cupboard for seven years after it died when he was a teenager. 

DAPHNE 

And that's not at all disturbing. 

AS DAPHNE GOES TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'IT GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "DOGGIE BAG"' 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT — NIGHT/4   
(Martin, Mary, Todd, Maitre'd, Roz) 

MARTIN AND MARY SIT IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT. TODD AND ROZ STAND IN THE BACKGROUND TALKING TO THE MAITRE'D BY THE ENTRANCE 

MARTIN 

Frasier doesn't seem to think they'll find a cure. It's best that you take it out of your freezer and bury it. 

MARY 

In all honesty I lost track of him a few months ago. 

MARTIN 

How? 

MARY 

I bought a large piece of ham for Christmas when my family came to see me. I forgot to label the bags properly. It'll teach me to prepare a meal without wearing my glasses. Still it cleared out my digestive system like a charm. Martin you look positively horrified. This doesn't improve my chances for getting a second date, does it? 

MARTIN 

Nope, or a goodnight kiss. 

MARY 

Pardon? 

MARTIN 

Look here's dinner. Oh my God! 

MARY 

What's the matter? 

MARTIN 

I just remembered, I had lunch at your apartment over Christmas. 

MARY 

I know, that's why I was hesitant about bringing the subject up. 

MARTIN 

Because I might bring my dinner up? That explains why it was so chewy and covered in gristle and the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. 

TODD 

I don't believe this. How could you loose our reservation? On tonight of all nights? 

MAITRE'D 

I am so sorry Sir. 

ROZ 

Look, there's Martin, maybe we can share his table. 

TODD 

I booked this weeks ago. I think it's a disgrace the way we've been treated. 

MAITRE'D 

I apologise once again Sir, here have a mint. 

TODD 

I don't want a mint I want a table. 

ROZ WALKS TO MARTIN'S TABLE 

ROZ 

Hi Martin. 

MARTIN RISES TO GREET HER 

MARTIN 

Oh hi Roz. 

ROZ 

I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner. 

MARTIN 

Oh no please do. 

ROZ 

They lost our reservation and I was kind of hoping that we could maybe share your table. 

MARY 

I don't really think… 

MARTIN 

Sure Roz, bring him over. 

ROZ WALKS BACK TO TODD TO BRING HIM TO THE TABLE 

MARY 

This is because of the dog isn't it? 

MARTIN 

Partly. 

MARY 

He was a beloved family pet Martin. If I can get over it, why can't you? 

ROZ AND TODD APPROACH THE TABLE 

MARTIN 

Roz, come and sit down. 

ROZ 

Martin this is Todd, Todd this is Martin, and I'd introduce you to this lady but we haven't been introduced yet. 

TODD STARES AT MARY WITH A LOOK OF HORROR 

TODD 

Oh my God. 

MARTIN 

It's OK, it may look like a tattoo of Elvis but it's actually an unusually shaped birthmark. 

ROZ 

And that makes it better? 

MARY 

What are you doing here? 

TODD 

I'm allowed out of my room sometimes you know. I can't be chained to the radiator all my life. 

MARY 

You ungrateful little swine. At least I give you a roof over your head. 

TODD 

And you hardly let me out from under it. 

ROZ 

I take it you two know each other. 

TODD 

I'm her son. 

MARY 

You're no son of mine, the way you've treated me. 

TODD 

I'm sorry but is it so wrong to want to pursue a career in medicine rather than circus performing? You've got your way anyway, I've traded in my stethoscope for a pair of oversized shoes. 

MARY 

You let the whole family down. You've been a disappointment to me the moment you stuck that evil little face out of my womb. 

TODD 

Nothing I do is good enough for you is it? 

MARY 

Don't point all the blame at me. I'm not listening. 

MARY PUTS HER FINGERS IN HER EARS AND STARTS TO SING EXTREMELY LOUDLY 

TODD 

Why can't you let me lead my own life? 

TODD BREAKS DOWN AND STARTS SOBBING INTO THE TABLE CLOTH 

A BEAT AS MARTIN AND ROZ STARE AT THEM 

MARTIN 

How does a drink at McGuinty's sound? 

ROZ 

Better and better every time he sobs. 

AS MARTIN AND ROZ GO TO LEAVE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: 'WHAT WOULD HE HAVE DONE IF IT WAS CLOUDY?' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/4   
(Daphne, Frasier, Niles, Charlotte, Martin) 

DAPHNE LAYS THE TABLE AS FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A SHERRY 

DAPHNE 

Are your sure you don't mind going out tonight Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

Of course not. I hope you two have a wonderful evening. Where is Niles anyway? 

DAPHNE 

He's in the kitchen. He's insisting on cooking for us tonight. So when are you off to pick up Charlotte? 

FRASIER 

In about ten minutes. So while I have some time, I'll show you the (SHOUTS) surprise I have for her. 

ENTER NILES FROM THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Surprise? What surprise? 

FRASIER 

Oh Niles I didn't realise you were here. 

NILES 

What surprise? 

FRASIER 

I'm going to be taking my vacation early this year. 

DAPHNE 

Why's that? 

FRASIER 

Because in two days time I'm flying to Paris with Charlotte for the weekend where we will be spending an utterly romantic time at the Ritz. 

DAPHNE 

That sounds wonderful. Does she know yet? 

FRASIER 

I'm going to surprise her with it over dinner. 

DAPHNE 

How romantic. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

(SMUGLY) What do you think of me know? 

NILES 

Frasier what is your problem? 

FRASIER 

You've been doing it as well. 

NILES 

But I haven't been rubbing it in Charlotte's face. What you've just done is down right mean. 

FRASIER 

Oh I'm sorry Niles, does it make you look bad? 

NILES 

I want you to know that you've forced me into this. I was going to save it for her birthday but you've left me no alternative. 

FRASIER 

Oh now Niles, just admit defeat. Don't turn this into another saga like Dad's birthday horse. 

NILES 

It's too late for that, there's already a horse involved and you're insisting on showering her in gifts. 

FRASIER 

How dare you speak about Charlotte that way? Admittedly yes, if she was going to bleach her hair she should have bleached her moustache to match, but that is no reason to take cheep shots and continue this debacle. 

NILES 

I didn't start this, but I'm not going to give up now. 

FRASIER 

What are you going to do? 

NILES 

Watch and learn and then later when you're alone, weep. 

FRASIER 

I don't care you can't top this. 

NILES 

Daphne. 

FRASIER 

Ha, I win. 

ENTER DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Yes love? 

NILES 

I know you'll tell me that I shouldn't have, but I wanted to. Come over to the window. 

DAPHNE 

What is it? 

NILES LEADS HER TO THE WINDOW AND THEN LOOKS INTO THE TELESCOPE 

NILES 

Just a second my love. 

DAPHNE 

This is so exciting, it's giving me goose bumps. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure Charlotte will have the same reaction as we sip champagne in old Paris. 

NILES 

OK, take a look in there. 

DAPHNE LOOKS THROUGH THE TELESCOPE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Do you see the two stars to the right of the Big Dipper? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

NILES 

Look at the one on the right. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God you haven't? 

NILES 

Do you see it? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

NILES 

Good, because I've had it named after you. 

FRASIER 

He has. The little twerp has. 

DAPHNE 

You're joking? 

NILES 

Nope, for all eternity that star will be known as Daphne Moon. 

DAPHNE 

I can't believe you did this. 

NILES 

Wait, wait, I'm not done. Now look at the one next to it, on the left. I had them name that one Niles Crane. Now we'll be together forever up in the heavens, of course as long as one of them doesn't implode. 

DAPHNE HUGS HIM AS NILES LOOKS SMUGLY OVER HER SHOULDER AT FRASIER 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God. You are just the most wonderful man I have ever met in my life. I just wish it hadn't taken me seven years to realise that. Let's go outside and look at them. 

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT ON TO THE BALCONY 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS 

ENTER FRASIER 

FRASIER 

Ok Frasier, so he's better than you at one thing. It's just one thing. You are far superior at almost everything else. Like cooking. 

FRASIER TASTES THE SAUCE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Although this is actually quite good. Well it was. It would be a shame if the paprika and chilli pepper were to accidentally fly out of the cupboards and into the pot and then place themselves neatly back on the shelf again. It happens all the time, Martha Stewart has a horrific time with it. Why just the other day she said… oh shut up Frasier and just do it. 

FRASIER TAKES TWO CONTAINERS OUT OF THE CUPBOARD AND EMPTIES THE CONTENTS IN THE SAUCEPAN. HE THEN STIRS IT IN AND PLACES THE CONTAINERS BACK IN THE CUPBOARD 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh what a shame. Not quite as perfect as you thought are you Niles? 

SFX: DOORBELL   
RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. ENTER CHARLOTTE 

FRASIER 

Charlotte. What are you doing here? I was just on my around to pick you up. 

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Oh hi Charlotte. You'll never guess what Niles has done. 

CHARLOTTE 

Oh hi Daphne. Look it's Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

He named a star after me. 

CHARLOTTE 

Oh sometimes I just want to pinch you to see if you're real. 

NILES FLINCHES AND BACKS AWAY FROM HER 

NILES 

You don't have to, trust me I am. 

FRASIER 

I actually have a surprise for you Charlotte. 

CHARLOTTE 

Oh Frasier you're here. I didn't see you. 

FRASIER 

Are you drunk? 

CHARLOTTE 

Just a little. Which means I have a surprise for you Frasier and I don't think you're going to like it. 

FRASIER 

You're not going to vomit on me are you? 

CHARLOTTE 

I went drinking with Greg the security guard from the station because he was a little upset because he's girlfriend's just left him. 

FRASIER 

There's no crime in that. Offering him a shoulder to cry on in his hour of need. 

CHARLOTTE 

But we got a little drunk and… and… 

FRASIER 

And what? 

CHARLOTTE 

And a little married. 

FRASIER 

I see. 

CHARLOTTE 

And although I'd like to go out with you tonight Frasier, I think I really should spend my wedding night with my husband. 

FRASIER 

Only if you want to conform to tradition. 

CHARLOTTE 

Goodbye. 

CHARLOTTE EXITS 

NILES 

I'm sorry Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

Me too Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

It's OK, I'm fine. I wasn't really expecting it to go anywhere. She was just a warm available breathing body that said yes. 

NILES 

Yes, I've noticed the more desperate you get the less fussy you get. 

FRASIER 

But don't worry, I'll still get out of your hair. I'll be gone in a minute. 

DAPHNE 

There's no rush. 

NILES 

I'll just check on dinner. 

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Oh but now there is. 

NILES SUDDENLY STARTS COUGHING FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

Niles what's the matter? 

ENTER NILES WHO TRIES TO SPEAK BUT CAN'T. HE THEN PICKS UP THE BOTTLE OF WINE AND DRINKS FROM IT. HE THEN TRIES TO SPEAK AGAIN BUT STILL FAILS SO HE TAKES ANOTHER BIG SWIG AND BEGINS TO GARGLE WITH IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh spit it out! 

NILES VIRTUALLY DOES A SPIT TAKE SPRAYING WHITE WINE EVERYWHERE 

FRASIER 

Not on the carpet! 

NILES COUGH AND THEN TAKES A DEEP BREATH 

NILES 

Someone's put a vat of spice in the sauce. 

DAPHNE 

Who would do something like that? 

NILES 

Frasier? 

FRASIER 

What don't look at me, it could have been Eddie. 

NILES 

He doesn't have opposable thumbs how could he open the containers? 

DAPHNE 

I think you're also missing the obvious… 

NILES 

Like how could he have got up there to do it in the first place? 

DAPHNE 

I actually meant him being a dog. 

FRASIER 

All right it wasn't Eddie, it was me. 

NILES 

We'd established that. I can't believe you did this, just because I beat you. 

DAPHNE 

Beat him at what? 

FRASIER 

But did you have to flaunt it in my face? 

NILES 

Did you have to flaunt everything that you've done over the last couple of days in my face? Why do you insist on turning everything into a contest? 

FRASIER 

I do not. Anyway you started it. 

NILES 

I did not start it, you're the one who made the first upgrade to dress that woman up as some sort of chandelier. 

FRASIER 

Well why don't you just admit that you've just been over compensating, buying all these extravagant gifts and trying to out-do me because of your lack of a sex life. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God is this what it's all about? 

NILES 

Not at all Daphne, I just wanted to find another way to express my emotion for you. 

FRASIER 

Because he didn't want to be out-done by his brother who's been seeing a woman a matter of days, not been in love with a woman for years. 

NILES 

Then why were you constantly competing with me? 

FRASIER 

I didn't want to look bad. I admit it's shallow but I didn't want to be beaten by my little brother. 

DAPHNE 

I don't believe you've spent all this money for this. You know what fine. If it's so important to you that you beat your brother, let's do something that he won't be doing tonight. Niles, let's go and have sex and we're not coming out of my room until we have. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM 

NILES 

Do you see how much trouble you've got me into now, this competing has got to stop. You've got to learn Frasier that you can't be best at everything. 

FRASIER 

Niles, did you not hear what she just said? 

NILES 

Good, you heard that too. 

NILES RUNS TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM BUT STOPS BY THE PIANO AND RUNS BACK TO FRASIER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Since you and Charlotte have technically broken up now… 

FRASIER 

Here you go, give my regards to Paris. 

FRASIER GIVES HIM THE TICKETS 

NILES 

Thankyou. 

NILES RUNS AND EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS HOLDING HIS STOMACH 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Dad, you're back kind of early, I was just going out to give them some privacy. So how was dinner? 

MARTIN 

I ate a dead dog. 

FRASIER 

I didn't think you were eating at that Cantonese restaurant. 

MARTIN 

I think I'm going to be sick. 

FRASIER 

And a happy Valentine's day to you too Dad. 

AS MARTIN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN AND FRASIER SIT EATING BREAKFAST AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM HER ROOM. DAPHNE SMILES AT THEM AND THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. NILES SITS AT THE TABLE AND SMILES SMUGLY AS DAPHNE RE-ENTERS WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE. FRASIER THEN HOLDS HIS HAND IN FRONT OF MARTIN. MARTIN THEN SIGHS AND GIVES FRASIER A TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL. NILES' MOUTH DROPS OPEN THAT THE THOUGHT OF THEM BETTING ON HIS SEX LIFE AS DAPHNE NUDGES HIM AND PUTS HER HAND IN FRONT OF HIM. NILES TAKES A TWENTY OUT OF HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO DAPHNE AS FRASIER AND MARTIN BOTH LOOK ON DISMAYED AT THE THOUGHT OF THEM BETTING ON THE PROBABILITY OF THEMSELVES BETTING. 


	13. Episode Thirteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. _

_A big congratulations to Elaine for finishing her exams. _

_Feedback is appreciated but also at the same time may cause me to have a small stroke from the surprise of receiving any. _

_Enjoy… _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Thirteen   
Crane Fear 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Kurt (V.O), Roz) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDE OF THE BOOTH. FRASIER IS ON THE AIR WITH A CALLER. 

FRASIER 

What? 

KURT 

I'm sorry is that wrong Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

Of course it's wrong Kurt, for God's sake, do you even need to ask? Now stop it! 

KURT 

Its not like I went out and intentionally ran them over. They're dumb animals it's not like I run over groups of nun's and children playing jump rope. 

FRASIER 

That doesn't matter. 

FRASIER HANGS UP ON KURT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

My God, can you believe that? This man without any consideration for nature and local wildlife has been spray painting racoon and rabbit road kill and selling them as part of his artwork. Well people of Seattle I would look very closely at anything that you've purchased off Kurt as you may find the innocent eyes of a real racoon staring back at you, not one purchased from the toy store. Although most of you deserve it if you think of a bright blue rabbit impaled by a pogo stick as art. Well that's all for today Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all a good day and good mental health. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AS ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

I should start to be more careful who you bad mouth on the air. You don't want another half eaten squirrel in your exhaust again. 

FRASIER 

And did you know they still haven't prosecuted him for that yet. The man practically confessed to it on the air before he did it. 

ROZ 

Oh quit complaining. Did you have to fish it out with a pair of chopsticks and a panty liner? I don't think so. 

FRASIER 

I sent you some flowers didn't I? 

ROZ 

Anyway this should cheer you up. 

FRASIER 

I'm flattered with the offer Roz, but no. Besides I wouldn't want to spoil it for you with other men. 

ROZ 

That's not what I was talking about. And oh, by the way, in your dreams. One of your callers sent you these tickets over as a thankyou. 

ROZ GIVES HIM A LETTER 

FRASIER 

Which caller? 

ROZ 

Claire who was on the show on Monday. 

FRASIER 

Claire who had trouble arousing her husband, Claire? 

ROZ 

That's right. 

FRASIER 

Oh my advice must have worked then. 

ROZ 

I just got off the phone with her and with the way she was panting and out of breath I'd say your advice was working right now. 

FRASIER 

That's a little more than I wanted to know. 

ROZ 

Believe me it was a little more than what I wanted to hear. He was squealing like a pig and yelling 'ride me big Momma'. 

FRASIER 

A friend of yours then was he Roz? Taking that into consideration I'm almost afraid to see what these are for. Oh look Roz, it's five tickets to attend a Murder Mystery Weekend out in the country. 

ROZ 

Well that sounds kind of dull. It must match the response she's been getting. 

FRASIER 

Oh no really Roz, I've been to one before, they're a lot of fun. Hay why don't you come with me. I can invite Dad and Niles and Daphne along too. Come on it'll be fun. 

ROZ 

Erm…Ok sure, why not? Rick's been bugging me to have Alice again so she can stay with his parents. 

FRASIER 

Are you sure she's perfectly safe with them? 

ROZ 

Of course, why do you say that? I'm not sure I'd trust him on his own, but his parents are with him. 

FRASIER 

I was just concerned that between Rick's hockey stick and his parent's noses, they might have her eye out. 

AS FRASIER EXITS HIS BOOTH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'BREATHING APPARATUS AT THE READY' 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL RECEPTION — DAY — DAY/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Manager) 

THE RECEPTION OF THE HOTEL HAS THE ENTRANCE TO THE RIGHT AND THE DESK TO THE LEFT WITH A CORRIDOR LEADING TO THE ELEVATORS AND THE REST OF THE HOTEL ON THE BACK CENTRE WALL. THE DÉCOR IS THAT OF 1930'S HOLLYWOOD MIXED WITH SOME SORT OF WILDERNESS LODGE WITH SEVERAL TROPHY ANIMALS ON DISPLAY. TO ADD AGE TO THE HOTEL THERE IS A LOT OF DUST AND ARTIFICIAL COBWEBS COVERING ALMOST EVERYTHING. IN OTHER WORDS THE IDEAL PLACE FOR A MURDER. 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) I still don't believe you've dragged me along to this thing. I can be trusted to be left at home on my own you know. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Oh come on Dad, it's going to be fun. We get to piece together the clues and try to uncover the murderer before the murderer tries to dispose of us. 

ENTER MARTIN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A SMALL BAG 

MARTIN 

I did that for thirty years. You forget I was a cop. It'd be like driving a taxi for thirty years and wanting to retire to drive a Winnebago around the country. 

ENTER FRASIER ALSO CARRYING A BAG. HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE RECEPTION AND FREEZES WITH HORROR 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

ENTER DAPHNE AND NILES WHO IS CARRYING A SUITCASE 

NILES 

Oh what sweet hell is this? 

DAPHNE 

Oh it's not so bad, it just has a few dust bunnies. 

ENTER ROZ CARRYING A BAG 

FRASIER 

Bunnies? I think the appropriate term is a herd of dust wildebeest. 

ROZ 

Oh quit complaining, it adds character. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes what a novel idea, encouraging people to pay to spend the weekend in squalor. I'm surprised they haven't decided to hold this thing down town under a bridge with the hobo's and the rats. 

DAPHNE 

It makes it look as if a murder could really have been committed here. 

NILES 

Along with several hundred-health violations. 

NILES TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF AND COVERS HIS MOUTH AND NOSE 

DAPHNE 

What are you doing? 

NILES 

The air is full of dust and I don't have my air purifier. 

DAPHNE 

Bloody good job too with the racket it makes. I thought we were having an earthquake the other night when I woke up and the bed was vibrating. I was half way across the room, dragging you with me, and under the doorframe when I noticed it was leaning up the corner of the bed. 

FRASIER 

Oh that's what that noise was. 

DAPHNE 

Why what did you think it was? 

FRASIER 

Oh nothing I was just giving Niles undue praise. 

MARTIN 

Can you psychiatrist's talk about anything that doesn't start with the crotch? 

FRASIER 

Like a retirement home for example. They don't seem overly anxious to check us in. Hello? Where is everyone? 

NILES 

Well it's a safe bet to guess that they're not cleaning. 

MARTIN 

Sometimes I don't know why you two don't just live in a big disinfected glass bubble. 

THE MANAGER ENTERS FROM BEHIND THE DESK 

MANAGER 

Hello, may I help you? 

FRASIER 

Yes, we have a reservation under Crane. 

MANAGER 

May I see your tickets please Sir? 

FRASIER 

Of course. 

FRASIER PRODUCES THE TICKETS FROM HIS POCKET WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — DAY — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Martin) 

NILES LEANS FORWARD WITH ONE HAND PRESSED UP THE WALL FOR SUPPORT AND GASPING FOR BREATH AS DAPHNE AND FRASIER LOOK ON 

DAPHNE 

Niles, just breath. There was nothing wrong with the bloody lift. 

NILES 

You didn't feel at all claustrophobic? 

DAPHNE 

Only when you started to cling to me. 

FRASIER 

I only booked four rooms as I presumed you two would be sharing. 

DAPHNE 

Not if he keeps this up we won't be. 

FRASIER GIVES NILES THE KEY, SMILES AND LAUGHS AT DAPHNE AND THEN EXITS TO THE ROOM TO THE LEFT OF NILES AND DAPHNE'S 

NILES 

All right I've stopped. 

NILES PUTS THE KEY IN THE LOCK AND TURNS IT BUT THEN NOTICING THE DUST ON THE DOOR KNOB HESITATES ABOUT TOUCHING IT WITH HIS BARE HAND 

DAPHNE 

Are you going to open the door then? 

NILES 

Yes my love. Ooh look at that lovely painting. 

NILES POINTS DOWN THE CORRIDOR. DAPHNE TURNS TO LOOK AS NILES QUICKLY TAKES HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT OF HIS POCKET AND USES IT TO OPEN THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S HOTEL ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER LOOKS AROUND HIS ROOM. THE DÉCOR MATCHES THE RECEPTION DOWN TO THE COBWEBS AND THE STUFFED ANIMALS. TO THE RIGHT IS THE CONNECTING DOOR TO NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM, TO THE LEFT IS THE CONNECTING DOOR TO ROZ'S ROOM AND ON THE BACK WALL NEXT TO THE BED IS A DOOR WHICH LEADS TO THE BATHROOM. ABOVE THE BED MOUNTED ON THE WALL IS A LARGE MOOSE HEAD. ENTER ROZ THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR 

ROZ 

Frasier will you switch rooms with me? 

FRASIER 

Why? 

ROZ 

I've got a dead bear staring at me in my room. 

FRASIER 

So, I've got a moose in mine. 

ROZ 

But no one was ever mauled to death by a moose. 

FRASIER 

No one was ever mauled to death by a dead bear either. 

ROZ 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

Oh very well if you insist. 

FRASIER GOES TO EXIT THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR BUT IS STOPPED BY MARTIN WHO ENTERS THROUGH IT 

MARTIN 

Wow, have you got any animals in your room? It's like being in a nature reserve. 

FRASIER 

Yes Dad, scarcely does a day go by out in the woods when you don't see a moose's head welded to a wooden board walking by with that vacant expression on it's face. 

ROZ EXITS TO THE BATHROOM 

MARTIN 

There's hundred's of little eyes staring at me. 

FRASIER 

It's like a room full of dead Eddie's. Something that before now I've only dreamed of. 

ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

Oh my God, this is taking things a little too far. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

ROZ 

They have Norman Bates on the shower curtains and pools of blood painted on the floor. 

FRASIER 

That's a bit distasteful. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE BATHROOM 

ROZ 

Not as distasteful as the noose hanging from the doorframe. 

MARTIN 

This place is great. 

ENTER FRASIER

FRASIER 

This place is appalling. Remind me never to stop in a hotel again without taking a bottle bleach for the toilet. 

MARTIN 

Frasier, its character. 

FRASIER 

Will you stop saying that. 

DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR FROM HER ROOM WITH HER HANDS CLASPED TOGETHER 

DAPHNE 

Can I use your bathroom? 

ROZ 

Sure. What's wrong with yours? 

DAPHNE 

Niles locked himself in there until I caught a spider. Now he won't let me in there to flush it away. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE BATHROOM AS NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR 

NILES 

Has it gone? 

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE 

Yes it's gone. God help me if we were ever in real danger. 

NILES 

Oh honey you know I would defend you against anything… 

NILES JUMPS UP ONTO THE BED 

NILES (CONT'D) 

…except bugs. I've just seen another one run under the dresser. 

DAPHNE 

Loving you is a bit like being in a lesbian relationship sometimes, you're such a big girl. 

NILES 

I only have a problem with small creatures. I would gladly wrestle a bear for you. 

NILES TURNS TO SEE THE MOOSE HEAD, LITERALLY NOSE TO NOSE WITH HIM, STARING DIRECTLY AT HIM FROM ABOVE THE BED. HE SHOUTS AND FALLS FLAT ON THE BED FROM THE SURPRISE 

DAPHNE 

Can I share with one of you three? 

FRASIER PICKS UP A BOOKLET FROM OFF THE DRESSER 

FRASIER 

Right what's the first event scheduled? Dinner this evening, where the murder will take place and we're introduced to the suspects. 

NILES 

I wouldn't rule out, probable cause of death, dust inhalation. 

MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR 

DAPHNE 

For God's sake. If you're so worried about breathing in the dust here let me help. 

DAPHNE PULLS HIM DOWN OFF THE BED AND KISSES HIM WHILE DRAGGING HIM BY THE HAND BACK TO THEIR ROOM THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR. NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT

ROZ 

I've changed my mind Frasier, can I switch rooms again? 

FRASIER 

Why? 

ROZ 

I don't want to sleep next to those two. Hearing their sex life will remind me of the lack of mine. 

FRASIER 

You forget Daphne lives with me. I know how often that circus comes to town and most of the neighbours know how noisy it can be. So I'm going to have to say no, but thanks for asking. 

AS FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. DINNING ROOM AND BAR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Roz, Waitress, Policeman, Organist, Lissy, Dinner Guests, Mayor, Senator) 

FRASIER, NILES AND MARTIN STAND AT THE BAR AS THE OTHER DINNER GUESTS MILL AROUND. THE MAYOR AND THE SENATOR (BOTH RATHER LARGE MEN) STAND AT THE OTHER END OF THE ROOM AS THE POLICEMAN, THE ORGANIST AND LISSY ALL TAKE THEIR PLACES TO BEGIN 

FRASIER 

I've had a word with management and explained who I was in an attempt to have our rooms spruced up a bit. 

NILES 

And? 

FRASIER 

He had no idea who I was. 

MARTIN 

What a shocker. 

NILES 

So in other words I'm going to have to do it in the dirt? 

FRASIER 

Oh quit complaining at least you've got someone to do it with. I gave him a twenty and he said he'd see what he could do. 

MARTIN 

What? He's going to fix you up with a woman? Son that's illegal. 

FRASIER 

No! Clean our rooms. 

NILES 

And I actually meant sleep, but now you mention it. 

ENTER DAPHNE AND ROZ

DAPHNE 

Have you seen who that is over there? 

FRASIER 

Good God it's the Mayor. 

ROZ 

And Senator Pierce. 

MARTIN 

Oh great, these guys are so soft on crime this mystery will never be solved. 

FRASIER 

We must go and introduce ourselves 

NILES AND FRASIER HEAD TOWARDS THE MAYOR AND THE SENATOR. 

ROZ 

This place is kind of freaky and I'm still on edge after being burgled. 

MARTIN 

Then I don't think coming to a murder mystery weekend was the wisest decision. 

DAPHNE 

Now, no cheating this weekend. Just because you were a Policeman means that you have the advantage. 

MARTIN 

But I thought you were psychic. Doesn't that give you an unfair advantage in establishing who the murder was? 

DAPHNE 

Oh I could never use it for such a personal gain. It wouldn't be right. 

FRASIER AND NILES WALK BACK OVER 

ROZ 

So did you say hi? 

FRASIER 

I did. I introduced myself and… 

NILES 

He had no idea who he was. 

FRASIER 

Yes, thankyou Niles. This place can't be so bad. After all both the Mayor and the Senator are here. 

NILES 

I agree what a splendid idea this was. 

MARTIN 

I don't believe you two. You've done nothing but complain since you got here. 

FRASIER 

Just what exactly are you saying? 

MARTIN 

You'd vote McGinty's international cuisine of the year if it was given a French name and some of your snooty friends started to eat there. 

FRASIER 

We would not. 

NILES 

And you can hardly call the menu there international. Unless the pigeons, used in that chicken platter, have been migrating. 

DAPHNE 

Hay Roz. 

ROZ 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Have you noticed the Mayor and the Senator keep staring at you? 

ROZ 

Have I noticed? They've nearly burnt two holes in my blouse. If they stare any more they are going to have to owe me a new bra. 

NILES 

Classy to the end aren't you Roz? 

MARTIN 

I thought they were married. 

NILES 

Since when has that stopped her? 

ROZ 

Shut up you weenie. 

DAPHNE 

Not married to each other I hope. Saying that though if they are its good news for me Uncle Jacky and Aunt David. 

WAITRESS 

Could everyone please take your seats at the dinning table, so that we may begin. 

EVERYONE SITS AT THE LARGE DINNING TABLE. FROM THIS POINT ON THE ACTING OF THE PLAYERS IN THE MURDER MYSTERY IS SO OVER THE TOP IT PUTS ONE IN MIND OF SIR DEREK JACOBI (JACKSON HEADLY) IN 'THE SHOW MUST GO OFF'. THE POLICEMAN STANDS UP. 

POLICEMAN 

Before your drink orders are taken I have an announcement. There has been a murder in this hotel and you are all suspects. 

AN ORGANIST IN THE FAR CORNER PLAYS A FEW BARS TO ADD DRAMATIC EFFECT 

LISSY 

Oh goodness! A murder? 

POLICEMAN 

That is right, young lady whom I have never seen before. A murder in this very hotel and it is my job to suspect everybody. 

MARTIN 

You see this is where I made my mistake. I only suspected the man who was weeping up the back alley covered in blood and holding a chainsaw and part of an ear when that hooker was scattered around that warehouse. It never occurred to me to suspect the little girls playing jump rope three blocks away. 

DAPHNE 

Now we know how you got shot. 

FRASIER 

What by the little girls? 

LISSY 

What is going to happen now? 

POLICEMAN 

Firstly no one is to leave the hotel. Secondly I will diverge the identity of the victim. Thirdly I want you all to introduce yourselves. 

MARTIN 

What a bozo. You never tell them who the victim was. This guy wouldn't last five minutes in a real precinct. 

FRASIER 

Dad, he's an actor. This isn't real. You understand that right? Because I never checked to see if you'd packed your gun. 

POLICEMAN 

The victim was Mr. Ronald Dean. 

LISSY 

Oh no, it's my husband. 

LISSY THEN BEGINS TO WAIL UNCONTROLLABLY AND EXTREMELY LOUDLY. AS THE ORGANIST TRIES IN VAIN TO PLAY MORE DRAMATIC TUNES ABOVE THE SOBS, FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN LOOK AT EACH OTHER VERY UNIMPRESSED AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: 'THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. DINNING ROOM AND BAR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Manager, Roz, Daphne, Waitress, Couple, Man) 

EVERYONE SITS AS BEFORE EXCEPT FOR MARTIN WHO IS ASLEEP. LISSY STILL WAILS UNCONTROLLABLY, STOPPING EVERY NOW AND AGAIN FOR A DRINK OF WATER BUT THEN STARTS AGAIN AS EVERYONE WATCHES HER WITH EXPRESSIONS OF MIND NUMBING BOREDOM. 

FRASIER 

Dad, Dad, wake up. 

MARTIN 

What? 

FRASIER 

You nodded off again. 

MARTIN 

I had noticed that. I also noticed that you woke me up again. Is she still crying? How much more moisture does that woman have in there? 

NILES 

Ten more minutes of this and I'll be crying. 

MARTIN 

See now you wish I'd brought my gun. 

MANAGER 

Ladies and Gentlemen, that is it for this evening, but keep your eyes open, you never know what might go bump in the night. 

ROZ 

As long as it's not that moose falling on my head I don't care. Although it may make this more entertaining. 

FRASIER 

At this point I think an enema might be more entertaining. 

DAPHNE 

Thank God that's over. 

ROZ 

I'm going to find the restroom. 

ROZ EXITS AS NILES YAWNS 

NILES 

I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. 

DAPHNE 

Really? 

SHE WHISPERS SOMETHING INTO HIS EAR WHICH SUDDENLY MAKES HIM PERK UP 

NILES 

Does anyone else feel like a double espresso? 

WAITRESS WALKS TO THE TABLE 

WAITRESS 

Can I get anyone another drink? 

FRASIER 

Oh yes please. 

NILES 

I'll have a… 

DAPHNE WHISPERS AGAIN IN HIS EAR UNTIL A SMILE BEAMS ACROSS HIS FACE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

You know what, I'm fine, I'll just finish this, then I'm off to bed. No wait, do you happen to have any of those energy sports drinks? 

FRASIER 

(TO THE COUPLE SITTING NEXT TO HIM WHO HAVE BEEN WATCHING NILES AND DAPHNE) It's even more unbearable to watch them when you're single. 

MARTIN 

Tell me about it. 

FRASIER 

What are you complaining about? You share your bed with a dog. 

MARTIN 

I know it's been a while Frasier but surely even you can see the difference between being woken up by a dog licking your face and a woman kissing your cheek. 

FRASIER 

You forget I was married to Lilith. I have trouble distinguishing the two. 

RESET TO: 

INT. JUNK ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ WALKS INTO A DARKENED ROOM OUT OF CURIOSITY. IT IS FULL OF OLD PAINTINGS AND SCULPTURES THAT ARE COVERED UP WITH SHEETS. SHE HAS A QUICK LOOK AROUND AND THEN NOTICES A VASE ON A TABLE AND PICKS IT UP TO LOOK AT IT. ENTER MAN WHO SNEAKS UP BEHIND ROZ WITHOUT HER NOTICING. HE THEN LIGHTLY TOUCHES HER SHOULDER. THE SURPRISE OF WHICH CAUSES HER TO SCREAM, JUMP AND SMASH THE VASE ON THE MAN'S HEAD, WHICH IN TURN KNOCKS HIM OUT AND SENDS HIM SPRAWLING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. DINNING ROOM AND BAR — CONTINUOUS

AS BEFORE 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Oh my God. 

MARTIN 

Was that Roz? 

ENTER ROZ RUNNING 

FRASIER 

Roz what's the matter? 

ROZ 

Frasier come here quick. 

ROZ AND FRASIER EXIT INTO THE HALL 

RESET TO: 

INT. HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND FRASIER WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY TOWARDS THE JUNK ROOM 

FRASIER 

What ever is the matter? 

ROZ 

I think I just killed a guy. 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) What? 

ROZ 

Shhh. Come and look, I can't tell if he has a pulse. 

FRASIER 

What happened? 

ROZ 

I was looking at this vase and he just came up behind me. I was scared and I hit him with it. 

FRASIER 

It's just unfortunate that you weren't looking at a large comfortable cushion. 

ROZ 

He's in there. 

RESET TO: 

INT. JUNK ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER CHECKS THE MAN FOR A PULSE 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Is he dead? 

FRASIER 

No Roz he's not dead 

ROZ 

Oh thank God. 

FRASIER 

Yes, what does it matter if you have yet another assault charge on your Police record? It's a story you can use as an icebreaker at parties. 

ROZ 

Well who is it? 

FRASIER 

I don't know. Turn the light on. 

ROZ TURNS ON THE LIGHT TO REVEAL THE MAYOR ON THE FLOOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh my God Roz. It's the Mayor. You've knocked the Mayor unconscious. 

ROZ 

Well he started it. He grabbed me. 

FRASIER 

And I'm sure that argument will stand up fine in court. 

AS ROZ BEGINS TO PANIC WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE LIGHT AT THE END OF HIS BUTTOCKS' 

FADE IN: 

INT. JUNK ROOM — CONTINUOUS   
(Roz, Frasier, Mayor, Niles, Daphne) 

FRASIER LEANS OVER THE MAYOR AS ROZ PACES THE FLOOR 

ROZ 

Well what do we do? 

FRASIER 

I don't know let me think. We'll move him. The man's a legendary drunk. We'll hide him until he wakes up and tell him he passed out. 

ROZ 

Is that going to work? 

FRASIER 

What alternative do we have? You battered the Mayor on the head with a vase. The only thing left is to plead insanity. Help me move him. 

ROZ 

Are you kidding? Look at the size of him, I'll never be able to move him. 

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE WALKING PASSED THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Niles come here. 

NILES 

(HINTING) Frasier I was just on my way up to bed. 

FRASIER 

I don't care get over here. 

NILES 

Oh my God, Mr. Mayor. What did you do to him? 

FRASIER 

Roz hit him on the head with a vase. 

DAPHNE 

Oh Roz, the murderer was one of the people in costume not just anyone. 

ROZ 

I know that. He touched me. 

NILES 

Roz you're not normally fussy. 

FRASIER 

Enough of this banter. Niles help me take him upstairs to hide him. 

NILES 

Frasier it's me Niles. You know I don't lift. 

DAPHNE LOOKS AT HIM VERY UNIMPRESSED WHICH HE NOTICES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

But in this instance I'll make the exception. 

FRASIER 

Ok on the count of three. One, two, three. 

THEY BOTH STRAIN AND ATTEMPT TO LIFT HIM. BOTH OF THEIR FACES TURN RED FROM THE STRAIN. THEY DON'T APPEAR TO LIFT HIM AT ALL 

DAPHNE 

Well go on then lift him. 

FRASIER 

I thought we were lifting him. 

ROZ 

No wait they are, I think I can see daylight underneath him. 

FRASIER 

All right put him down. 

THEY BOTH LET GO AND GASP FOR AIR 

NILES 

This is ridiculous. If I strain any harder to lift him I will literally drop a lung. 

DAPHNE 

Drag him along the floor then. 

ROZ 

They can't do that. How would we explain the splinters in the back of his head? 

DAPHNE 

Don't get touchy with me you're the one who clubbed him. 

FRASIER 

Ladies, ladies can we save this for a mud bath at a more appropriate time. When we don't have the Mayor drawling on the floor. 

NILES 

No actually that might work. We can roll him onto one of these sheets and drag him on that. 

FRASIER 

All right that might work. 

ROZ 

Well what do we do? 

FRASIER 

You go and distract the Senator. 

ROZ 

What? 

FRASIER 

Well it's only going to be a matter of time before he starts to wonder where he is. And after all he has had his eye on you all evening. 

DAPHNE 

Quite literally. I thought I was going to be sick when he took out his glass eye and accidentally dropped it in your lap. 

ROZ 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

Just remember who we are doing this for. It's not as if I'm asking you to sleep with him. (THINKS) Well only as a last resort. Now off you go. 

EXIT ROZ AND DAPHNE AS NILES TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND PUTS IT TO HIS MOUTH AS HE PICKS UP A SHEET AND STARTS TO SHAKE THE DUST OFF IT. HE THEN LAYS IT ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE MAYOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

OK on three. One, two, three. 

THEY ROLL HIM ONTO THE SHEET AND WRAP IT AROUND HIM SO THAT HE IS COMPLETELY COVERED. THEY THEN START TO DRAG HIM OUT INTO THE HALL 

RESET TO: 

INT. HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

THEY DRAG HIM TO THE ELEVATOR WHICH IS LOCATED NEXT TO THE STAIRWELL DOOR. FRASIER PRESSES FOR THE ELEVATOR 

NILES 

What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Performing a ballet, I'm pressing for the elevator. 

NILES 

Well I can't go in there. 

FRASIER 

Of course you can, you just put one foot in front of the other. 

NILES 

I was having cold sweats at the dinning table at the thought of just Daphne and I being in. Do you have any idea what being stuck in there with you and a great fat man Mayor will do to me? 

FRASIER 

So what's your suggestion? 

NILES 

We take the stairs. 

FRASIER 

No chance, its four floors. We can barely lift his buttocks four inches off the ground let alone four flights of stairs. 

NILES 

OK goodnight Frasier, I hope you have some cash on you to bail her out. 

NILES STARTS TO WALK AWAY 

FRASIER 

Oh all right fine. 

AS THEY DRAG HIM TOWARDS THE STAIRWELL DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: 'HAIR RAISING STUFF' 

FADE IN: 

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Mayor, Martin, Maid) 

FRASIER STANDS HOLDING THE STAIRWELL DOOR OPEN BREATHING VERY HEAVILY AND SWEATING. IN THE DOORWAY WE CAN JUST SEE THE MAYOR'S HEAD 

FRASIER 

Niles will you just come out here! 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) No. 

FRASIER 

For heavens sake Niles I killed the damn spider. 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) But it's leg's still twitching. 

FRASIER 

What do you want me to do about it? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Make it stop. 

FRASIER 

I can't kill him again, he's already dead. 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Well move him. 

FRASIER SIGHS AND EXITS BACK INTO THE STAIRWELL, AS HE LETS GO OF THE DOOR IT SWINGS SHUT BUT THE MAYOR'S HEAD ACTS AS A NICE CUSHION SO THAT IT DOESN'T SLAM SHUT. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) You're going to have to see someone about this bug phobia. 

ENTER FRASIER AND NILES DRAGGING THE MAYOR 

NILES 

Yes and while I'm there I can also talk about my new phobia. My dragging fat men up the stairs phobia. 

FRASIER 

You're the one who wouldn't take the elevator. 

NILES 

You know I am aware of that. 

THE MAYOR'S TOUPEE THEN FALLS OFF AND FRASIER CATCHES IT WITH HIS FOOT WHICH SENDS IT RACING ACROSS THE FLOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God, it's a rat, it's a rat. 

FRASIER 

That is not a rat. 

NILES 

Well what is it? 

FRASIER 

I don't know. 

NILES 

Pick it up. 

FRASIER 

I most certainly will not. It looks like a toupee. 

NILES 

How can you tell? 

FRASIER 

Because it looks as if it was pulled out of a shower drain. Rats traditionally don't share that resemblance. 

NILES 

Is it the Mayor's? 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure did he have more hair than this before? 

NILES 

How should I know I've been carrying his feet. 

FRASIER 

That's fine Niles if we find a shoe then you can be the one to identify it. 

FRASIER PICKS UP THE TOUPEE BY A STRAND OF HAIR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

It's the Mayor's. 

NILES 

How can you tell? 

FRASIER 

It's got his name sown into it. 

NILES 

There's no need to be sarcastic. 

FRASIER 

I'm being serious, look. 

NILES 

Oh my God why? Huh look whom I'm asking. 

FRASIER 

And what does that mean? 

NILES 

Frasier, you're my brother and I love you but sometimes your head is go shiny it causes a glare like the sun hitting a freshly polished television set. 

FRASIER 

If we are going to start… 

NILES 

Frasier before this descends into juvenile making fun of each other's hair and name calling may I remind you that we currently have an unconscious Mayor lying at our feet. 

FRASIER 

That's a very good point. We'll put him in my room and try and wake him up. 

FRASIER DROPS THE TOUPEE ON THE MAYOR. NILES STOPS AS HE NOTICES THE CARD HUNG ON THE DOOR KNOB INDICATING THAT THE MAID IS CURRENTLY CLEANING IN THERE 

NILES 

No Frasier wait. The maid's in there. 

FRASIER 

Quick into your room. 

THEY MOVE DOWN TOWARDS NILES' ROOM WHO OPENS THE DOOR AND THEY DRAG HIM INSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES & DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE LAYOUT IS THE SAME AS FRASIER'S, NOW ROZ'S ROOM TO THE LEFT EXCEPT IT DOES NOT HAVE A CONNECTING ROOM TO THE RIGHT. THEY DRAG HIM IN AND LEAVE HIM AT THE FOOT OF THE BED 

NILES 

What now? 

FRASIER 

Let's get him on the bed. 

NILES 

Frasier I know that you're currently extremely desperate for a date but this is no time for experimentation. 

FRASIER 

Just help me. 

NILES 

I'm not going to be able to lift him that high. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter with you, you are a crane aren't you? 

NILES 

That wasn't amusing when coach Pallett used to shout it, it's even less amusing now. 

FRASIER 

Go around the front. 

NILES PICKS HIM UP FROM THE FRONT AND FRASIER FROM BEHIND, HOOKING UNDER HIS ARMS UNTIL THEY HAVE HIM ON HIS FEET. THE MAYOR'S TOUPEE FALLS OFF AGAIN AND LANDS ON NILES' SHOULDER 

NILES 

Get this thing off me. 

FRASIER 

For God's sake Niles it won't bite. 

NILES 

But they carry disease. 

FRASIER FLICKS THE TOUPEE OFF NILES AND ONTO THE FLOOR. 

NILES (CONT'D) 

OK now let me move out of the way and you can just drop him. 

NILES LETS GO OF HIM AND TRIES TO SQUEEZE OUT FROM BETWEEN THE MAYOR AND THE END OF THE BED 

FRASIER 

Wait Niles I can't hold him he's too heavy. 

BEFORE NILES CAN MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, FRASIER LOOSES THE BATTLE TO HOLD THE MAYOR UPRIGHT. THE MAYOR FALLS FORWARD ONTO THE BED CRUSHING NILES UNDERNEATH HIM, AND PULLING FRASIER DOWN WITH HIM AS HE STILL HAS HIS ARMS WRAPPED AROUND HIM 

NILES 

Oh my God, get off me, both of you. 

ENTER MARTIN WHO HAS HEARD THE SHOUTS FROM OUTSIDE AND TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE SCENE AND ROLLS HIS EYES 

MARTIN 

Never mind I don't want to know. 

MARTIN GOES TO EXIT 

FRASIER 

No Dad wait. 

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE MAYOR WHO REMAINS UNCONSCIOUS SQUASHING NILES ON THE BED 

MARTIN 

You're my son's and I love you. I don't care how you lead your lives just don't ask me to participate. 

FRASIER 

No, no, no. The Mayor scared Roz and she accidentally hit him over the head. 

MARTIN 

Well what was he doing in here in the first place? 

FRASIER 

No we brought him up here. 

MARTIN 

Why? 

FRASIER 

So that Roz doesn't get into trouble. We wanted to move him until he woke up, so we could convince him that he had too much to drink and passed out. 

MARTIN 

Why didn't you just leave him and run. 

NILES 

Because that would have been too obvious. Now if you're finished recapping the last thirty minutes can you get him off me before I pass out from having all the air literally crushed from my body. Quickly he's starting to drawl down my neck and there's definitely something digging into my hip. 

MARTIN 

I didn't want to hear that. 

NILES 

Believe me I don't want to feel it. 

MARTIN AND FRASIER TRY TO LIFT THE MAYOR ENOUGH AS NILES ROLLS OUT FROM UNDERNEATH HIM AND THEN ROLLS OFF THE BED AND LANDS WITH A THUD ON THE FLOOR 

NILES 

I feel violated. 

MARTIN 

Niles are you OK? 

NILES 

I'm fine although I have a feeling my ribs are now embedded into my spine but that's nothing that an aspirin won't cure. 

FRASIER 

Now help me wake him. 

MARTIN HELPS NILES UP FROM OFF THE FLOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE MAID GOES AROUND THE ROOM WITH A FEATHER DUSTER GETTING DOWN ALL THE COBWEBS. SHE THEN WALKS TO THE CONNECTING DOOR, WHICH LEADS TO NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM AND DUSTS ALL THE WAY AROUND THE EDGE OF THE DOORFRAME. AS SHE GOES TO MOVE AWAY, SHE CATCHES THE DOOR HANDLE ON THE STRAP OF HER APRON. AS SHE MOVES AWAY FROM THE DOOR IT CAUSES THE DOOR HANDLE TO MOVE AND THE DOOR TO OPEN SLIGHTLY. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES & DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND MARTIN SIT NEXT TO THE MAYOR LIGHTLY SLAPPING HIS FACE TRYING TO WAKE HIM UP AS NILES CHECKS TO SEE IF ALL OF HIS RIBS ARE IN ONE PIECE. FRASIER THEN NOTICES THE DOOR IS OPEN AND SEES THE MAID COMING TOWARDS THEM. 

FRASIER 

Quick Niles, the door. 

NILES RUSHES TO SLAM THE DOOR SHUT AGAIN 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE MAID WALKS TO THE CONNECTING DOOR TO SHUT IT AS NILES SLAMS IT IN HER FACE. THE MAID GIVES A DISGUSTED LOOK AT THE RUDENESS AND TRIES TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOOR BUT FOR SOME REASON SHE CAN'T. SHE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THAT HER DRESS IS CAUGHT IN THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES & DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES STILL STANDS UP THE DOOR PREVENTING IT FROM BEING OPENED BY THE MAID 

MARTIN 

Do you think she saw anything? 

FRASIER 

I don't think so. 

THE MAID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Then again maybe not. 

NILES 

What do we do? 

FRASIER 

Why are you always looking to me for answers? 

NILES 

Because it was your idea to bring him up here. 

FRASIER 

All right fine, it was a bad idea. Why don't you enlighten us as to what your suggestion was. 

NILES 

To leave you to sort it out and bring Daphne up here. 

FRASIER 

Can we keep your raging hormones out of this for a moment? 

THE MAID KNOCKS THE DOOR AGAIN 

MAID 

(OFFSTAGE) Excuse me sir? 

NILES 

Just a moment. 

MARTIN 

Just quit your squabbling and let's move him before she comes in here. 

FRASIER 

Where do we move him to? 

NILES 

Under the bed. 

FRASIER 

What? 

NILES 

Well he won't fit in a dresser draw and we don't have the key to the safe. 

MARTIN 

What are you talking about? Just put him in the bathroom. 

NILES 

That was going to be my very next suggestion. 

MARTIN 

Oh course it was college. 

MARTIN TAKES OVER FROM NILES LEANING UP THE DOOR AND NILES AND FRASIER ONCE AGAIN TRY TO LIFT THE MAYOR. THEY ONCE AGAIN HAVE A HUGE AMOUNT OF TROUBLE AND ROLL HIM OFF THE BED, RESULTING IN A LOUD THUD. 

MAID 

(OFFSTAGE) Sir are you all right? 

NILES 

I just fell out of bed, I'm fine. 

MAID 

(OFFSTAGE) But Sir I have… 

NILES 

I'll just be a moment. Dad if she tries to get in club her with your cane. 

FRASIER 

And who made you leader of this operation? 

MARTIN 

Just get on with it. 

NILES AND FRASIER PICK UP THE MAYOR AND CARRY HIM INTO THE BATHROOM. THEY SHUT THE DOOR AND MARTIN MOVES AWAY FROM THE CONNECTING DOOR SO THAT NILES CAN OPEN IT AND SPEAK TO THE MAID. NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND THE MAID IS FINALLY FREE. 

MAID 

Oh I'm sorry Sir I had my dress caught in the door. 

NILES 

Oh I see. Then I'm sorry I took so long, but you see I have company. 

MAID 

Would you like me to come back in ten minutes? 

NILES 

I'd really appreciate it. 

MAID 

I understand Sir. 

MARTIN APPROACHES FROM BEHIND NILES AND INTO FULL VIEW OF THE MAID 

MARTIN 

Niles honey, are you coming? 

MAID 

Oh I understand perfectly Sir. 

NILES 

No, no, no, it's not… 

THE MAID SHUTS THE DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Thankyou very much 

FRASIER AND MARTIN BOTH START LAUGHING AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. DINNING ROOM AND BAR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Senator, Roz) 

THE BAR IS NEARLY EMPTY EXCEPT FOR ROZ AND THE SENATOR WHO SIT ON BAR STOOLS 

SENATOR 

So Roz, are you currently attached? 

ROZ 

No, I'm not, I'm free as a bird. 

SENATOR 

Well maybe I could change that. I'd clip your wings anytime. 

ROZ 

Too be honest Senator and I don't mean to be rude at all, but there isn't enough liquor in the world. 

SENATOR 

This is because of the eye isn't it? It was just purely coincidental that it fell out at that precise moment that I happened to walk passed you. It's not like I tried to drop it down your blouse so that I could retrieve it. Now that would have been wrong. 

ROZ 

I thought you were married. 

SENATOR 

I am but my wife doesn't understand me. That's why I have to seek attention from elsewhere. 

ROZ 

She doesn't understand you? Where have I heard that before? 

SENATOR 

But in my case it's true. She's Guatemalan and doesn't speak a word of English. I asked her the other day to fix me some dinner for when I arrived home. On my arrival I discovered she'd misunderstood and ran the cat through the dishwasher. 

ROZ 

Oh my God, how terrible. 

SENATOR 

Oh it was OK, the maid was there, she made me a sandwich. 

ROZ 

I meant for the cat. 

SENATOR 

So Roz, what are my chances of seeing a little action? 

ROZ 

Unless there's a war, about one in a million. 

SENATOR 

Then there's still a glimmer of hope. I wonder where the Mayor has got to? I'm going to go and look for him while you decide if you're feeling frisky or not. 

ROZ 

OK fine, plan B. 

ROZ GRABS THE SENATOR AND KISSES HIM 

SENATOR 

Now that's more like it. 

THE SENATOR GRABS ROZ AND KISSES HER LONG AND HARD ALMOST PULLING HER OFF HER BAR STOOL AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

TITLE CARD: 'IN & OUT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Frasier, Mayor, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Maid, Roz, Senator) 

FRASIER, NILES AND MARTIN ALL LOOK ON TO THE MAYOR WHO IS NOW AWAKE AND IS WANDERING AROUND THE ROOM TRYING TO COMPOSE HIMSELF 

FRASIER 

Are you sure you're all right Mr. Mayor? 

MAYOR 

I'm still feeling just a little bit disorientated. Do I have your word that you won't tell anyone that you found me in such a state? 

NILES 

Of course Sir, our lips are sealed. 

MAYOR 

Good because if word of this was ever to get out to the press, my term in office will be over. 

FRASIER 

We understand perfectly Sir. 

MAYOR 

It's the oddest thing, I keep having an image of a woman hitting me 

NILES 

Maybe it's a suppressed image from a former life. 

MAYOR 

And tell me again how I got the tile marks on my face. 

AS THEY ALL STRUGGLE FOR AN ANSWER THE MAYOR LEANS FORWARD AND STANDS WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS KNEES NEXT TO THE CONNECTING DOOR 

MARTIN 

Are you sure you're all right? 

MAYOR 

I'm fine, I just need a moment for the room to stop spinning. 

SUDDENLY THE CONNECTING DOOR FLIES OPEN AND BASHES THE MAYOR ON THE HEAD CAUSING HIM TO BE KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS ONCE AGAIN AND SEND HIM SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR. ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE 

Everything's fine, Roz has got the Senator distracted. That maid has just given me the oddest look for coming in here. What's the matter with you lot? 

FRASIER 

You've knocked him out again. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God, did I do that? 

MARTIN 

No the pixies did it. 

DAPHNE 

Well how was I to know he was behind there? And you said you were taking him to your room so that's where I went. 

FRASIER 

But I switched rooms, that's now Roz's room. 

DAPHNE 

Well no one told me. 

SFX: KNOCK AT THE DOOR

MAID 

(OFF STAGE) Cleaning service. Are you finished yet Sirs? 

DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO THE DOOR AND LEANS UP AGAINST IT PREVENTING IT FROM OPENING 

FRASIER 

Just a second. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

THE MAID LEANS UP HER CART WITH A LOOK OF HORROR AND DISMAY ON HER FACE. 

MAID 

A third man and a woman? I don't get paid enough to witness this trailer trash. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES & DAPHNE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARTIN 

Take him out that door. 

MARTIN HOLDS THE CONNECTING DOOR OPEN THAT LEADS TO ROZ'S ROOM WHILE FRASIER AND NILES ONCE AGAIN TRY TO LIFT THE MAYOR. AFTER TWO UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS THEY GRAB A LEG EACH AND JUST DRAG HIM OUT THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY DRAG HIM INSIDE AND MARTIN CLOSES THE CONNECTING DOOR 

NILES 

Wait I've got an idea. Has he got a room key on him? 

MARTIN FEELS IN THE MAYOR'S POCKETS AND PULLS OUT A KEY AND HANDS IT TO NILES WHO PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET 

MARTIN 

Yeah, 11C. 

NILES 

Let's go and put him in his room. It'll look like he passed out on his bed. 

FRASIER 

But his doesn't smell at all like his been drinking. 

NILES 

Quick grab something from the mini bar. 

FRASIER 

No thanks I'm not thirsty. 

NILES 

I meant for the Mayor. 

MARTIN GETS TWO SMALL BOTTLES FROM THE MINI BAR AND EMPTIES THE CONTENTS ONTO THE MAYOR'S SHIRT 

MARTIN 

There now he looks like he has a drinking problem. 

FRASIER 

Quite a serious problem. A problem like he can't find where his mouth is. Why didn't you make him drink it so his breath smells, he looks as if swam in it. 

MARTIN 

Well I'm sorry but how exactly do we make an unconscious man swallow? 

NILES 

Stop squabbling and let's just move him. If the maid sees us now this has all been for nothing. 

MARTIN OPENS THE DOOR LEADING TO THE CORRIDOR AS NILES AND FRASIER DRAG THE MAYOR THROUGH BY HIS FEET 

RESET TO: 

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

THEY EXIT OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR DRAGGING THE MAYOR BY HIS FEET AT THE SAME TIME AS THE MAID EXITS FROM NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM SHOUTING AND BEATING THE MAYOR'S TOUPEE, WHICH HAS OBVIOUSLY FALLEN OFF AGAIN, WITH A BROOM. PANICKED NILES AND FRASIER QUICKLY JUMP OVER THE MAYOR, GRAB HIS ARMS AND DRAG HIM BACK INTO ROZ'S ROOM AS THE MAID SUMMONS UP THE BRAVERY TO PICK TO THE TOUPEE AND TOSS IT ON HER CART. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ALL THREE STAND FOR A MOMENT AND TRY TO CATCH THEIR BREATH 

FRASIER 

Dad, check if the coast is clear. 

MARTIN OPENS THE DOOR AS ROZ AND THE SENATOR TRY TO ENTER. ROZ SCREAMS WITH SHOCK AS SHE PULLS THE DOOR SHUT 

RESET TO: 

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

ROZ LEANS UP THE DOOR AND FACES THE SENATOR 

ROZ 

Oh my God I left clothes all over the place, just give me a moment to tidy. 

SENATOR 

OK but don't be too long. I've got a special treat for you. 

ROZ 

Oh joy! 

ROZ OPENS THE DOOR A TINY AMOUNT AND SQUEEZES THROUGH SO THAT THE SENATOR DOESN'T SEE ANYTHING 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ SHUTS THE DOOR AS NILES COLLAPSE ON THE BED FROM EXHAUSTION 

ROZ 

What are you still doing with him? 

FRASIER 

Daphne knocked him back out again. And what are you still doing with him? I said sleep with him as a last resort in jest. I didn't actually expect you to do it to avoid another assault charge on your Police record. 

ROZ 

I'm sorry the bar closed, I had to take him somewhere. He was starting to wonder about the Mayor. I suggested the garden but he has a grass phobia. 

THE DOOR CONNECTING TO NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM OPENS BUT NILES RUSHES AND SLAMS IT SHUT BEFORE ANYONE CAN ENTER 

NILES 

Will this maid ever go away? 

ROZ 

You're going to have to move him, I can't leave the Senator out there. 

FRASIER 

OK, we'll move him into my room. Keep the Senator in here while we take the Mayor to his room, don't let him in the corridor. 

ROZ 

OK, fine. 

FRASIER AND NILES ONCE AGAIN LIFT THE MAYOR AND CARRY HIM INTO FRASIER'S ROOM THROUGH THE CONNECTING DOOR WHILE MARTIN HOLDS IT OPEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY MOVE QUICKLY TO THE DOOR LEADING TO THE CORRIDOR. THEY OPEN IT TO REVEAL DAPHNE TRYING TO GET IN. THEY ALL SHOUT WITH THE SURPRISE ONCE AGAIN AND NILES AND FRASIER DROP THE MAYOR 

FRASIER 

What are you doing? 

DAPHNE 

I tried to get in through the adjoining door but someone slammed it on me. And given the circumstances I didn't think I should go into Roz's room through the front door with the Senator waiting outside on a promise. 

NILES 

Has the Senator gone from the corridor? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

MARTIN 

How about the Maid? 

DAPHNE 

She's in our room mumbling something about a rat and taking a valium. 

FRASIER 

I think we'll all need one of those in a moment. Right, let's go. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 13TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

THEY CARRY HIM OUT INTO THE HALL AND HEAD TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR. AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO PASS THE DOOR TO ROZ'S ROOM THE SENATOR ENTERS THROUGH IT AND WALKS TO THE MAID TROLLEY. FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL FREEZE. WHILE THE SENATOR FUMBLES AROUND ON THE TROLLEY, MARTIN OPENS A DOOR BETWEEN FRASIER AND ROZ'S ROOMS, WHICH IS THE LINEN CLOSET. HE THEN INDICATES TO THE REST TO PUT THE MAYOR IN THERE. THEY ALL PUSH AND FORCE THE MAYOR IN THERE AND SLAM THE DOOR RATHER LOUDLY AS THE SENATOR TURNS WITH ARMS FULL OF MINI BAR BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL. ALL FOUR THEN LEAN UP THE LINEN CLOSET DOOR 

SENATOR 

Hello. Frasier Crane isn't it? 

FRASIER 

That's right. 

SENATOR 

So have you got any indication yet on who the murderer might be? 

FRASIER 

No, not yet. 

SENATOR 

You're a psychiatrist aren't you Crane? 

FRASIER 

That's right Sir, so is my brother. 

SENATOR 

I wouldn't mind hearing a psychological view of the crime committed and getting inside the head of the murderer. 

A BEAT 

FRASIER 

What now? 

SENATOR 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

But Sir aren't you a little busy? 

SENATOR 

Oh the alcohol? Damn mini bar was empty. Oh yes that's right I've got a fine young one in there who's simply dying for it. 

THE MAID ENTERS FROM NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM AND TRIES TO GET INTO THE LINEN CLOSET 

MAID 

Excuse me. 

NILES 

What for? 

MAID 

I need to get fresh sheets out of the linen closet. 

DAPHNE 

Now? Can't it wait? 

MAID 

Apparently not. You were the one's that were complaining about the state of the rooms. And I should be complaining about the state of conduct that goes on in the rooms! 

FRASIER 

Well we've changed our minds. 

SENATOR 

You might as well have it done now she's started. 

MARTIN 

No, it's fine really. 

MAID 

Will you move away from the closet? 

NILES 

No. 

SFX: KNOCK FROM THE CLOSET

SENATOR 

What was that? 

NILES 

The pipes. 

FRASIER 

Remember this hotel is quite old. 

MAID 

But it came from the closet. 

DAPHNE 

Did it? 

MARTIN 

There must be pipes in the closet then. 

MAID 

Let me in there. 

MAYOR 

(FROM CLOSET) Help! 

MAID 

There's someone in there. I just heard them yell help. 

FRASIER 

(PATRONISINGLY) It's OK, you're hearing voices, I'm a psychiatrist, I can help you. 

MAYOR 

(FROM CLOSET) Is there someone out there? 

SENATOR 

There is someone in there. Quick move out the way. 

FRASIER 

Oh very well. 

THEY MOVE OUT OF THE WAY AS THE MAID OPENS THE DOOR AND THE MAYOR FALLS OUT. THEY ALL TRY TO LOOK VERY SURPRISED AND SHOCKED 

MAID 

Mr. Mayor what on earth are you doing in there? 

SENATOR 

Oh Henry not again. 

MAYOR 

Where am I? 

SENATOR 

You've been hiding in the linen closet again. How many times do you have to be locked in there until you learn your lesson? Come on let me get you to your room. 

THE SENATOR OPENS ROZ'S DOOR AND SHOUTS IN 

SENATOR (CONT'D) 

I'll be back in a moment love. 

THE MAID AND THE SENATOR HELP THE MAYOR DOWN THE CORRIDOR. AS THEY WALK PAST THE CART THE MAYOR SPOTS HIS TOUPEE. 

MAYOR 

I was just trying it out for size, I don't really need one of these. 

AS THE SENATOR AND THE MAID HELP THE MAYOR EXIT INTO THE ELEVATOR, NILES SUDDENLY HAS A REALISATION AND PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET AND PRODUCES A KEY 

NILES 

I've still got his room key. 

FRASIER SNATCHES THE KEY THROWS IT INTO THE LINEN CLOSET AND SLAMS THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Quick everyone pack. 

AS THEY ALL QUICKLY EXIT TO THEIR ROOMS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL HIDE AROUND THE CORNER IN THE RECEPTION AND WAIT FOR THE MANAGER TO EXIT THROUGH THE DOOR BEHIND THE DESK. WHEN HE IS OUT OF SIGHT THEY RUN OUT OF THE HOTEL AT FULL SPEED. 


	14. Episode Fourteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. I also don't own the rights to 'Did You Ever See A Dream.' _

_After nearly dying of the shock of receiving feedback, my heart was in a decent enough condition to post this one. So to encourage me into indulging some of the wondrous culinary delights of the hospital kitchen while I recover once again from the surprise, send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy… _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Fourteen   
Outbreak 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'POP GOES THE PIGEON?' 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO STATION HALLWAY — DAY — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Gill, Roz, Steve (V.O), Hank (V.O)) 

FRASIER PACES UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE HIS BOOTH, CHECKING HIS WATCH AS GILL ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER 

FRASIER 

Gill have you seen Roz? 

GILL 

Yes, she's your producer. I've met her on many occasions. In fact there was a time when she produced my show. 

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? Have you been to another wine tasting without me? 

GILL 

No. Have you been self-medicating again? 

FRASIER 

No! My show starts in three minutes and Roz still isn't here, I just wanted to know if you'd seen her. 

GILL 

Oh well why didn't you say so? 

FRASIER 

I thought I did. 

A BEAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

So? 

GILL 

So what? 

FRASIER 

Oh God Gill, have you seen Roz, yes or no? 

GILL 

No. 

FRASIER 

Now was that so hard? I was only looking for a yes or no answer not for you to give me a brain haemorrhage from the aggravation. 

GILL 

In that case I won't bother to tell you she just walked into the booth. I'm so sorry to aggravate you. 

EXIT GILL DOWN THE HALLWAY AS FRASIER RUSHES INTO HIS BOOTH 

RESET TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER RUSHES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS ROZ PUTS ON HER HEADPHONES. SHE LOOKS VERY UNWELL AND EXTREMELY PALE. 

FRASIER 

Roz, where have you been? Oh my God. 

ROZ 

What's the matter? 

FRASIER HOLDS HER HANDS AND LOOKS AT HER 

FRASIER 

You look so pale Roz, like you've had your head in a bag of flour. I sure hope this hangover is worth it. 

ROZ 

It's not a hangover, I've caught some sort of flu off Alice. 

FRASIER LET'S GO OF HER HANDS AND BACKS AWAY FROM HER 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Thanks so much for your concern Frasier. Are you sure you don't want to go and disinfect yourself in a bucket of bleach? 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Roz. Are you sure you're up to doing the show? 

ROZ 

I'm fine Frasier, now get in there, you're on in five. 

FRASIER GOES INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH, PUTS ON HIS HEAD PHONES AND BEGINS HIS SHOW 

FRASIER 

Good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours so without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz, who do we have on line one? 

ROZ BLOWS HER NOSE EXTREMELY LOUDLY CAUSING THE SOUND TO RATTLE ACROSS THE AIRWAVES 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Either that was Roz blowing her nose or the Titanic has finally docked in the parking lot. In which case I hope they don't mistake my car for an iceberg. 

ROZ 

I'm sorry Dr. Crane we have (COUGHS), on line (COUGHS), on line one (COUGHS), we have (COUGHS)… 

FRASIER 

Oh spit it out. 

ROZ 

Steve. 

FRASIER 

Hello Steve I'm listening. 

STEVE 

Hi, Dr. Crane. My situation is not really a problem, but more of a habit that I'm having trouble getting out of. 

FRASIER 

Force of habit can be a very controlling thing Steve, whether it's smoking, to washing your hands repeatedly, to something as simple as just going shopping everyday, they can all control your life. Now what exactly is your habit? 

STEVE 

I blow up pigeons. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

STEVE 

I blow up pigeons. I learnt as a kid that if you give a pigeon some baking powder they explode. I've been going to the park everyday with a pot of baking powder since I was twelve. I'm now thirty-five, but I'm starting to think that it's maybe something that I shouldn't be doing, but I'm struggling to control the habit. (A BEAT) Dr. Crane? (A BEAT) Dr. Crane are you there? 

FRASIER 

Yes, I'm here Steve, I'm just struggling to come to terms with what you've just told me. How could you do this? 

ROZ POURS HERSELF OUT A LITTLE PLASTIC CUP FULL OF RED COUGH MIXTURE 

STEVE 

Oh come on Dr. Crane they are vermin. 

FRASIER 

That's no excuse to actually blow them up from the inside. 

ROZ GOES TO DRINK THE COUGH MIXTURE AT THE SAME TIME AS SHE UNFORTUNATELY SNEEZES. THE COUGH MIXTURE COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH AND SPLATS ON THE GLASS PARTITION BETWEEN HER AND FRASIER. THE SUDDEN SPLAT OF THE COUGH MIXTURE PUTS FRASIER OFF HIS CALL. 

A BEAT 

STEVE 

Dr. Crane are you still there? 

FRASIER 

(RUSHING TO FINISH) Yes, I'm here Steve. My advice to you is to stop going to places with pigeons or just leave your baking powder at home. I'll be back after this. 

FRASIER CUTS TO A COMMERCIAL, TAKES OFF HIS HEAD PHONES AND RUSHES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

I'm sorry Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Sorry? I'm discussing exploding pigeons and suddenly the booth is covered in some sort of red substance. It looks as if your head exploded. 

ROZ 

Yes, because that happens so much in the greater Seattle area. Only spontaneous combustion and being disembowelled by chicken's kills more people each year. It's cough mixture. I'll clean it up. 

ROZ CLIMBS ONTO THE CONSOLE AND STARTS TO RUB THE COUGH MIXTURE OFF THE GLASS WITH HER SLEEVE 

FRASIER 

Oh Roz don't use your sleeve. 

ROZ 

Well I'm not licking it off. I've seen Noel rub himself up the glass with his pants around his ankles. 

FRASIER 

Roz, just sit down. Now you are not all right. You obviously have a fever and possibly some troll blindness from you incident with Noel and I now have a horrifying mental image to contend with. I seriously think you should go home. 

ROZ 

Frasier, I understand your concern but I'm fine. 

ROZ COUGHS A REALLY CHESTY COUGH AND THEN SNIFFS UNTIL HER NOSE UNBLOCKS. FRASIER JUST STARES AT HER 

FRASIER 

I'm glad to see you're still taking those etiquette lessons Miss Doolittle. Remember cover your mouth when you cough Roz. 

FRASIER GOES BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND CONTINUES WITH HIS SHOW 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

And we're back. Roz who do we have next? 

ROZ 

We have… 

ROZ PAUSES AND SWALLOWS 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

We have… 

SHE SWALLOWS AGAIN AND PUTS HER HAND TO HER MOUTH 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

We have… oh my God, I think I'm going to hurl. 

ROZ RUNS AND EXITS FROM HER BOOTH 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

(OFFSTAGE) Get out of my way. 

HANK 

Actually my names Hank not Earl. Hello? Can anyone hear me? 

GILL 

(OFFSTAGE) Oh you have to be kidding, I just bought these shoes. 

ON FRASIER'S HORRIFIED LOOK AS HE STARES OUT THE DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Eddie) 

FRASIER SITS AT THE TABLE WITH HIS HEAD COVERED WITH A TEA TOWEL OVER A BOWL OF HOT WATER AS MARTIN AND EDDIE TRY IN VAIN TO PUSH HIS CHAIR AWAY FROM FRASIER 

FRASIER 

I'm warning you Dad, if you scratch that floor, you might find that Eddie has a few scratches on him from his adventures with the inside of the garbage disposal and his bungy jump off the roof. Only this will be a bungy jump without the bungy. It'll just be a jump or in this case a throw. 

MARTIN 

Well I'm sorry but I don't want to catch it. 

FRASIER 

Thanks for the sympathy Dad. 

MARTIN SITS ON THE COUCH AS FAR AWAY FROM FRASIER AS POSSIBLE 

MARTIN 

Like the sympathy I got off you when I was shot? 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry but how could I pass up Opera tickets like that? It was a once in a lifetime event. If it makes you feel any better you got your own back when you switched rooms and never told me. I'd already picked out the suit you were going to wear when I found you in that side room making the man in the coma cry. 

MARTIN 

Can't you do that in your room? 

FRASIER 

Oh I see out of sight, out of mind. 

MARTIN 

And out of audio range, it's much easier to ignore you when you're in your room. 

FRASIER 

Well I apologise Dad, remind me to die more quietly from now on, I can see just how distressing this is for you to see me like this. 

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Good lord Dr. Crane what are you doing? 

FRASIER 

What does it look like I'm doing? 

NILES 

Like you've found the cheapest way possible to drown. Now some people would choose to jump in Puget Sound with a bucket of cement strapped it their feet. Not many would choose to drown via a saucer of boiling water. 

MARTIN 

A saucer of bottled boiling water. 

FRASIER 

I've caught something off Roz. 

NILES 

You're not the first and you won't be the last. Do you want me to prescribe you something to save you the embarrassment of going to the doctors? 

FRASIER 

I've caught the flu Niles. 

NILES 

Oh yes of course. 

FRASIER 

I have not slept with Roz if that's what you are implying. 

DAPHNE 

Of course you haven't, she'd eat you alive and pick her teeth with a rib if you ever entered into so much as a clinch with Roz. 

FRASIER 

And once again the sympathy I get off you people just astounds me. 

DAPHNE 

Well what do you want us to do? Call a Priest and hold a prayer vigil? Or announce it to the press and have a Frasier flu remembrance Sunday? 

NILES 

I could play a medley of Opera death scenes on the piano if you like, while Dad and Daphne scatter rose petals around you. 

FRASIER 

How about some tea and a little less sarcasm? 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Hey Niles, come here. 

FRASIER 

Do not even attempt to help him move that chair. After I've squeezed Eddie in the garbage disposal, I won't hesitate in letting you two follow him. 

MARTIN 

I wasn't going to ask him that. 

FRASIER 

Then I apologise. 

NILES 

And anyway Dad's cane would brake the blades. 

FRASIER 

Not if I use it to stuff you in there. 

MARTIN 

I was going to ask him to help me hold your head under the water, actually. 

ENTER DAPHNE

FRASIER 

I am not sitting in my room. 

MARTIN 

Then will you stop breathing? 

FRASIER 

Yes, Dad, anything you say. And for my second trick I'll walk across water while balancing an elephant on my nose. 

NILES 

What is the matter with you? 

MARTIN 

I don't want to catch. 

DAPHNE 

Me neither. 

NILES 

That makes three of us. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sorry, shall I just lock myself down in the storage space until the plague has left my system? 

NILES 

I'm sorry Frasier. 

MARTIN 

I'm not, I don't want to catch it. 

AS MARTIN COVERS HIS MOUTH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: 'SWIMMING POOLS OF THE SMALL AND HAIRY' 

FADE IN: 

INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — DAY — DAY/3   
(Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Niles, Eddie) 

MARTIN LIES IN BED LOOKING VERY UNWELL WITH EDDIE BY HIS FEET 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTS) Daphne! 

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE 

What now? 

MARTIN 

Nothing I'm just lonely in here all by myself. 

DAPHNE 

You've got Eddie. 

MARTIN 

He's not exactly much of a conversationalist. The only noise he's made all morning is that grunting sound when he was licks himself. 

DAPHNE 

Well that's an activity you can do together. And anyway how is this different from what you normally do during the day and you're not lonely then. You've just swapped your chair for your bed. I know why don't you go and sit with your son? 

MARTIN 

No, it's his fault I'm like this in the first place. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! 

MARTIN 

Daphne can you bring me a sandwich? I'm wasting away here. 

DAPHNE EXITS MARTIN'S ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER LIES IN BED LOOKING AS BAD AS MARTIN DOES. ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE 

And what can I do for you? 

FRASIER 

Can you get me a glass of water please? 

DAPHNE 

You're not more than ten feet away from a tap. 

FRASIER 

I'm not drinking tap water. What do you think I buy bottled water for, because the bottles look pretty? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE ENTERS CHUNTERING TO HERSELF 

DAPHNE 

They won't look so pretty after I've stuffed one up your… 

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, ENTER NILES

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Niles, honey. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

You're not ready. 

DAPHNE 

Ready for what? 

NILES 

We were going out for lunch. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I'm sorry but I've been looking after the flem creatures all morning, I haven't given it a thought. 

NILES PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH AS IF TRYING TO PREVENT HIMSELF FROM BEING SICK 

NILES 

And suddenly I'm no longer hungry. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN LIES IN BED 

MARTIN 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) I thought you weren't speaking to me. 

MARTIN 

I wasn't but I've made my point. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) What point? That you're a child? 

MARTIN 

Will you come and open my window? It's so stuffy in here. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

I feel just as bad as you do, so there is little to no chance of me getting out of bed to do it. 

MARTIN 

But you're younger than I am. 

FRASIER 

Exactly I've got to pace myself for all the years I have ahead. Ask Daphne she's younger than both of us. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN 

Daphne! Daphne! Daphne! I don't think she can hear me. Daphne! 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! Daphne! 

MARTIN 

Daphne! 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! 

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE 

What? 

MARTIN 

Will you open my window? 

DAPHNE 

You lazy old sod. 

MARTIN 

Oh come on Daph I'm sick and all this bed rest has made my hip so stiff. And I was saving my last ounce of strength for that long trek to the bathroom but if you want me to use it for this… 

DAPHNE 

Oh for God's sake, no you just stay there. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE WINDOW AND EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

And what do you want? 

FRASIER 

Oh nothing I was just calling you for Dad. 

DAPHNE 

Why because he wasn't shouting loud enough? 

FRASIER 

Did you get me my water? 

DAPHNE HANDS FRASIER THE WATER. HE DOESN'T TAKE IT BUT INSTEAD JUST STARES AT IT 

DAPHNE 

Here. What's the matter? 

FRASIER 

It has ice cubes in it. 

DAPHNE 

That's very well spotted Dr. Crane. There's nothing wrong with your eyesight. 

FRASIER 

I didn't want ice cubes. 

DAPHNE 

I'll tell you where you'll have bloody ice cubes next. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE LOOKING EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED AS NILES WALKS TO HER 

NILES 

Daphne, I really feel that you should unclench. 

DAPHNE 

And I will, I just need to get your brother some water. 

SFX: PHONE RINGING

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

AS DAPHNE TALKS ON THE PHONE SHE QUICKLY MAKES A SANDWICH 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Hello? Oh hi Roz. How are you feeling? 

DAPHNE PULLS THE PHONE AWAY FROM HER EAR AS WE HEAR ROZ COUGHING VERY LOUDLY THROUGH IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

That good? It's worse now, Mr. Crane's caught it. Believe me you're not half as sorry as I am. Yes, just a second. 

DAPHNE TAKES OUT THE ICE CUBES FROM FRASIER'S WATER AND THROWS THEM IN THE SINK 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

ENTER DAPHNE CARRYING THE PHONE, THE WATER AND THE SANDWICH. SHE HANDS FRASIER THE GLASS AND THE PHONE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Here's your water and here's Roz. 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Roz. 

DAPHNE EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES MARTIN HIS SANDWICH 

DAPHNE 

One sandwich. 

MARTIN DOESN'T TAKE THE SANDWICH BUT JUST STARES AT IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

What's the matter? 

MARTIN 

You cut the crusts off. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! 

DAPHNE BEGINNING TO GET FRUSTRATED SNATCHES THE SANDWICH OFF MARTIN AND EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO STANDS BY THE DOOR WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS 

DAPHNE 

What now? 

FRASIER 

This water's still too cold from the ice cubes. 

DAPHNE 

Just give me a moment and I'll bung it in the microwave for you. 

DAPHNE TAKES THE WATER AND EXITS

MARTIN 

(OFFSTAGE) Frasier it's coming your way. 

ENTER EDDIE RUNNING FROM MARTIN'S ROOM WITH A PAD IN HIS MOUTH. FRASIER TAKES THE PAD OFF EDDIE 

FRASIER 

OK bye Roz. Dad, I can't see where you put your cross, Eddie's drawl has smeared the ink again. 

MARTIN 

(OFFSTAGE) Trust me I was one move away from certain victory. 

FRASIER 

It's naught's and crosses, you're always one move away from certain victory. I'm not playing anymore. 

MARTIN 

(OFFSTAGE) Well it's impossible to play charades and I'm not playing eye spy again. You kept cheating. 

FRASIER 

Is it my fault that I can see different things from here than what you can? 

MARTIN 

(OFFSTAGE) You can not see a forest troll from your room. 

FRASIER 

Well in a dim light with my eyes squinted it looked like a troll. It's not as ludicrous as it sounds. 

MARTIN 

It was an angora sweater. How could you possibly get the two confused? You don't often see people in department store dressing rooms wrapping a tiny forest troll around their shoulders and buying them as gifts for Christmas for people who live in a cool climate. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sorry it looked like a troll. 

MARTIN 

(OFFSTAGE) And anyway even if it was a troll. What would he be doing in there in the first place? And how would he have got up here? 

FRASIER 

I don't know, maybe he mistook my cupboard for his part of the forest, it could happen. Oh hell I don't know I'm drowsy, I have a fever. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN 

If you were any kind of son you'd come in here and keep me company. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Well I'm sorry Dad, but I want to lie down and I'm not sharing a bed with you. I want to save something for when we are both old, senile, incontinent and living in Florida. 

MARTIN 

Now that's something to look forward to, sleeping on a plastic sheet with my son. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Just keep praying that you won't have to share it with Niles as well. Dad, will you close that window, it's blowing in here and it's cold. 

MARTIN 

No, I'm hot. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) That's because you have a fever. 

MARTIN 

I knew I sent you to medical school for some reason. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

If you won't do it, I'll get Daphne to. Daphne! Daphne! 

MARTIN 

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne don't you listen to him! Daphne, stay away! 

ENTER NILES

NILES 

What is the matter with you two? Daphne has done nothing but run around after you for days, do you not think it's time you give her a rest, so she can spend some time with me. 

FRASIER 

I'm so sorry Niles, is us being sick interfering with your sex life? Because if you're getting desperate there's some soft fruit in the kitchen. Squeeze away. 

NILES 

Now what is the matter? 

FRASIER 

Dad won't shut his window. 

MARTIN 

Well I'm hot. 

NILES 

Then why don't you both shut your doors? 

FRASIER & MARTIN 

Because it's too far to walk. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES MARTIN ANOTHER SANDWICH 

DAPHNE 

One sandwich with crusts. 

MARTIN 

Did you put butter on this? 

DAPHNE TAKES THE SANDWICH OFF MARTIN AGAIN AND EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS 

ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES FRASIER'S HIS WATER 

DAPHNE 

Here you go, one water. 

FRASIER 

It's still too cold. 

DAPHNE 

For God's sake, normally if it's not cold enough to stick your tongue to you won't touch it. 

FRASIER 

But I'm cold, I want it at room temperature, you know like your cooking. 

DAPHNE 

Oh room temperature, why didn't you say so? 

EXIT DAPHNE

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE ENTERS AND PUSHES EDDIE AWAY FROM HIS WATER BOWL AND POURS THE CONTENTS INTO FRASIER'S GLASS. SHE THEN DIPS HER FINGER INTO IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

That's better perfect room temperature. Oh don't look at me like that Eddie. The toilet seat lids up, knock yourself out. 

SHE THEN TAKES OFF THE TWO PIECES OF BREAD FROM THE SANDWICH AND REPLACES THEM WITH FRESH PIECES 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY AND EDDIE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

You've run around after them enough for one day. Now come and sit down. 

DAPHNE 

I'll just take Dr. Crane his water and Mr. Crane's sandwich first. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

AS DAPHNE WALKS PAST SHE THROWS MARTIN HIS SANDWICH 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Here catch, one crusty, butterless sandwich. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER DAPHNE WHO GIVES FRASIER HIS WATER YET AGAIN 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

There you go, if that's not room temperature I don't know what is. 

FRASIER 

That's perfect. Actually that tastes rather nice. Is it a different brand? 

DAPHNE 

Yes, from drawl creek I believe. 

FRASIER 

I quite like that. 

DAPHNE 

I'm glad. I know a place where we can get an unlimited supply. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM

ENTER DAPHNE WHO JOINS NILES ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

Now come and sit down and rest your feet. 

HE BEGINS TO RUB HER FEET 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry I forgot about lunch. 

NILES 

That's OK, we can go out tonight. 

EDDIE STARTS TO BARK FRANTICALLY FROM THE BATHROOM 

DAPHNE 

What on earth's the matter with him? 

NILES 

You sit, I'll look. 

NILES LOOKS INTO THE BATHROOM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

What is it? 

NILES CARRIES EDDIE OUT OF THE BATHROOM AT ARMS LENGTH, DRIPPING WET 

NILES 

I think he fell in the toilet. 

DAPHNE 

He's dripping. Hold him still while I get a towel. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM 

NILES 

Can you hurry Daphne, I don't like touching dogs at the best of times, let alone when they have been swimming in toilet water. I hope to God, no one forgot to flush it after it's last use. 

EDDIE TRIES TO SHAKE HIMSELF BUT CAN'T AS NILES KEEPS A TIGHT GRIP 

NILES (CONT'D) 

No Eddie, keep still. No Eddie, good boy. No Eddie. 

EDDIE BEGINS TO WRIGGLE AS HE TRIES IN VAIN TO SHAKE HIMSELF 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne quick he's trying to shake himself. 

JUST AS DAPHNE ENTERS EDDIE MANAGES TO SHAKE HIMSELF, SPRAYING TOILET WATER ALL OVER THE APARTMENT, NOT TO MENTION COVERING NILES FROM HEAD TO FOOT IN IT. NILES PLACES EDDIE ON THE FLOOR AND TRIES TO SPIT SOME OF THE WATER OUT OF HIS MOUTH 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What were the odds that I'd have my mouth open at that very moment? 

DAPHNE 

Here's a towel. 

NILES 

I'll have that, Eddie appears to be dry now. 

EDDIE JUMPS ON THE COUCH AND STARTS TO ROLL AROUND 

DAPHNE 

Get off there you little rat. 

EDDIE EXITS DOWN THE HALLWAY 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Come back here. 

NILES 

Daphne, leave him and come and sit down. 

NILES BEGINS TO RUB HIS HEAD WITH THE TOWEL 

DAPHNE 

Hold still a second. 

DAPHNE WIPES SOMETHING OFF HIS HEAD 

NILES 

(PANIC STRICKEN) What? What is it? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing, nothing. 

NILES 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

It was a bit of dog hair. This has been a nightmare day. 

NILES 

I know what'll make it better. I'll take you out tonight, you can stop at the Montana and forget all about this. 

DAPHNE 

That'll be nice. 

NILES GOES TO KISS HER BUT PULLS AWAY BEFORE HE CAN AND SNEEZES 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

What was that? 

NILES 

What was what? 

DAPHNE 

You just sneezed. 

NILES 

No I didn't. 

DAPHNE 

Yes you did. 

NILES 

No, I just had too much air in my nose. 

DAPHNE 

You're a doctor you'd think you could come up with a better excuse than that. 

NILES 

Forget about it. 

NILES ONCE AGAIN GOES TO KISS HER BUT HAS TO STOP BECAUSE HE SNEEZES 

DAPHNE 

Oh not you as well. 

NILES 

Daphne I'm fine. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Daphne! Eddie's all wet and he's rolling on my bed. 

MARTIN 

(OFFSTAGE) No one is to go near him with a hair dryer do you hear me? 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Oh he won't melt Dad, he's not plastic. 

DAPHNE HOLDS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS AS NILES SNEEZES AGAIN AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/3   
(Daphne, Niles) 

SFX: DOORBELL

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM DRESSED FOR AN EVENING OUT 

DAPHNE 

I'm off now, you boys be good. 

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER NILES, WHO IS LEANING UP THE DOOR FRAME WITH HIS TIE UNDONE AROUND HIS NECK 

NILES 

I'm sick. 

DAPHNE 

Come on in. 

DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIM AND HELPS HIM INTO THE APARTMENT AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: 'SHE FORGOT TO MENTION HE WAS ALSO A TAXIDERMIST' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — DAY — DAY/4   
(Roz, Daphne) 

DAPHNE LIES ASLEEP WITH HER HEAD ON THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS

ROZ 

Oh hi Daphne. Daphne! 

DAPHNE WAKES UP WITH A START, A LITTLE CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE SHE IS 

DAPHNE 

I'll just get it. 

ROZ 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Oh hi Roz. 

ROZ 

Are you all right, you were fast asleep? 

DAPHNE 

I am absolutely exhausted. 

DAPHNE SNEEZES 

ROZ 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

Niles has caught the flu as well now. So I've now got three children to run around after. 

ROZ 

I am so sorry. 

DAPHNE 

Oh it's not your fault. 

ROZ 

So Niles is stopping with you at the moment? 

DAPHNE 

That's right. And the nasal spray he's using seems to be having some sort of strange effect that's not mentioned on the advert. It's making him as horny as a stoat? It's like liquid Viagra. 

ROZ 

Really? Well no wonder you're tired. 

DAPHNE 

Are you kidding? It's not exactly the biggest turn on in the world when some one is showing you their 'come to bed' eyes while they've got a bottle of nasal spray stuck up their nose and then before you answer turn away and cough their guts up. 

ROZ 

Wait a second. Niles has 'come to bed' eyes? 

DAPHNE 

It's the face he pulls when he looks as if he's eaten a bad clam. It took me a while to work that one out. 

ROZ 

Well nothing puts you in the mood for sex like a look of wanting a stomach pump. 

DAPHNE 

At first I didn't know if he was going to kiss me or throw up on me. Saying that the way he's feeling at the moment I still don't. 

DAPHNE COUGHS 

ROZ 

It's probably not a good idea fooling around until he feels better anyway. 

DAPHNE 

Why's that? 

ROZ 

Well if he can't breathe properly at the moment, it's probably not a good idea to get him a little over excited. You don't want him passing out on you. And this is Niles we're talking about, he can barely turn on the blender without hyperventilating. 

DAPHNE 

At the minute we're not getting that far. He hasn't got the strength to turn on the blender let alone anything else. And for me the smell of vapour rub coming towards me doesn't exactly get me excited even if it is Niles. So how are things with you? 

ROZ 

Well apart from owing Gill five hundred dollars for a new pair of shoes, not bad. I had a date last night. 

DAPHNE 

How did it go? 

ROZ 

Not good, he had to leave at eight o'clock so that he could go home and wash his father. 

DAPHNE 

That's not so bad. It shows he's caring, if he'd look after him like that. 

ROZ 

His father's dead. 

DAPHNE 

I see. 

ROZ 

He's insane. He's refusing to let the body go. He spends his night's hand cuffed to him in case his family tries to take him away and bury him in the night. 

DAPHNE 

Where do you meet these people? 

ROZ 

He called into the show. 

DAPHNE 

That should have been your first tip that all was not right in his head. 

ROZ 

And if that didn't the fact that he picked me up in a hearse should have. Since my afternoon is free, do you want me to come and help with the patients? 

DAPHNE 

Only if you really want to. I wouldn't want you to catch it again, I've already had to hang a white pillow case outside the apartment so people walk well clear of the door since the neighbours came down with it. 

ROZ 

Is it really that bad? 

DAPHNE 

All we need now is someone standing out in the hall pushing a cart, ringing a bell and yelling 'bring out your dead'. 

DAPHNE SNEEZES 

ROZ 

Even I wasn't that sick. 

DAPHNE 

But Dr and Mr Crane have a way of making everything seem ten times worse than it is. And it's difficult to get them to do anything when I'm battling with Niles who's all over me like a rash. 

AS THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER ROZ'S COFFEE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/4   
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Eddie) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT ON THE COUCH, MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR. ALL THREE ARE WEARING THEIR DRESSING GOWNS. THEY ALL LOOK A LOT BETTER. IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION IS A BIN WHICH ALL THREE ATTEMPT TO THROW OLD HANDKERCHIEFS IN TO 

MARTIN 

Come on now boys, it's all in the wrist. 

FRASIER 

Dad are you sure we should be doing this? 

MARTIN 

Sure, why not? 

NILES 

Well it's not really very hygienic. 

FRASIER 

And add that to the fact that Niles can't throw and I now have two germ ridden handkerchiefs stuck to the television screen, one in the kitchen, three on the wall, about half a dozen behind me and three welded to Eddie. 

NILES 

How come I get no credit for hitting a moving target. 

FRASIER 

Eddie was two feet away staring at me. I hardly call that a moving target. 

MARTIN 

Try Frasier's mouth, that's a constantly moving target. 

FRASIER 

And what does that mean? 

NILES 

In many ways Dad's point represents the chaos theory. If you could keep your mouth still for at least a small proportion of the day, it would stop the continued threat of tidal waves on the opposite side of the world. 

FRASIER 

The opposite side of the world is mainly desert. There is no water let alone tidal waves. 

MARTIN 

That's why it's so amazing. 

FRASIER 

Dad, now get that one out of that vase. 

MARTIN 

All right then fine, but I'm having my programme on. 

FRASIER 

Oh Dad do you have to? How many times can you enjoy watching a man get handcuffed? 

MARTIN 

As many times as I like now I've started taping them. 

NILES 

You know I had a patient who was obsessed with this show. He was desperate to appear on it until one day he did. 

FRASIER 

Oh is this the fellow who strangled all the squirrels on his block and then made his getaway on a bicycle down the freeway with a hamster in the basket? 

NILES 

That's him. 

MARTIN 

I thought you weren't allowed to talk about these things. Something to do with doctor, patient confidentiality. 

NILES 

Normally I wouldn't, but in this case it's fine to talk about it since he wants to include me in the writing on his book. 

FRASIER 

Niles! 

NILES 

I get to write two chapters myself about our sessions. 

FRASIER 

How can you call my call-in show a disgrace to the profession when you are going to contribute to this lunatics literally garbage? 

NILES 

It's a five-figure deal Frasier. 

FRASIER 

I'll see you at the book launch. Hey I've an idea. Niles come and play the piano with me. 

FRASIER WALKS TO THE PIANO AND SITS DOWN AS NILES LIES ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

Oh Frasier, I haven't the strength to move all the way over there. 

FRASIER 

Well I can't bring the piano to you. 

NILES 

Why not, it's got wheels? 

FRASIER 

Yes and there's also furniture and a step in the way, so think again. And what do you mean you don't have the strength? You had enough strength to run in the kitchen while I was in the bathroom and eat my chocolate eclair. 

NILES 

Actually that was Dad. 

MARTIN 

Actually that was Eddie, I dropped it. 

FRASIER 

Oh Niles come on. 

NILES 

Frasier I'm too tired to chew my food let alone go over there and play the piano. 

ENTER DAPHNE AND ROZ THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Hello boys 

NILES IMMEDIATELY JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT WITH A SPRING IN HIS STEP AND WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE 

NILES 

Hello Daphne. 

ROZ 

Oh my God, who's been throwing tissues at Eddie? 

FRASIER 

That would be Niles. Roz and why are we blessed with this surprise visit? 

ROZ 

I just wanted to see how the patients are doing. After all I am feeling partly responsible for this quarantine. 

DAPHNE SNEEZES 

MARTIN 

Bless you. Partly? 

FRASIER 

Yes Dad, Roz has always had a problem with fractions. She means partly in the same sense, as the rats were partly to blame for the spread of the bubonic plague. 

ROZ 

How am I to blame? I didn't give it to Martin or Niles. 

NILES 

It seems like you and I are the only men left in Seattle Dad that she hasn't give it to in one way or another. 

ROZ 

Shut up. 

MARTIN 

I told you to sit in your room but would you listen? 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sorry but I could have died in there and no one would have been any the wiser. 

DAPHNE 

Oh we'd have found out eventually, when Eddie stopped eating his dinner and we kept hearing a gnawing noise coming from your room. And I'm not making that up, it actually happened. I do still feel a little guilty, but how was I to know he wasn't actually stretching? I didn't know how flexible he was. 

NILES 

You can't say the same about me. 

DAPHNE 

Oh not again. I'm going to sue the makers of that bloody nasal spray. 

NILES 

What's the problem? At least I can breath through my nose now. 

NILES CLOSES HIS MOUTH AND HAS A HORRIFIC TIME TRYING TO BREATHE 

FRASIER 

Niles you're turning blue. 

NILES 

(GASPING FOR AIR) So are you impressed? It proves I'm feeling better and you know what that mean? 

DAPHNE 

Not in the slightest. Anyone can turn that colour if you lock yourself in the freezer for a couple of days. 

MARTIN 

That reminds me of a game we used to play at the station. 

ROZ 

You used to lock each other in the freezer? 

MARTIN 

No, although we did use to get a guy real drunk and then leave him on a slate in the morgue. We used to put some money in a pot and the person who could hold their breath the longest without passing out won the jackpot. Al always used to win. 

ROZ 

Couldn't that lead to brain damage? 

MARTIN 

That would explain why he used to spray paint his horse yellow and ride him into Puget Sound. 

FRASIER 

And the city sleeps safe tonight in the knowledge that we are well protected by our Police service. 

FRASIER BEGINS TO PLAY THE PIANO AS DAPHNE GOES AROUND THE ROOM, PUTTING THERMOMETER'S INTO FRASIER, MARTIN AND NILES' MOUTHS, SHE THEN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STARTS TO CLEAN UP THE FOOD OFF THE COUNTER AS NILES ENTERS, STILL WITH THE THERMOMETER IN HIS MOUTH, AND SNEAKS UP BEHIND HER, SHE DOESN'T TURN BUT KNOWS HE IS THERE 

DAPHNE 

And what can I do for you? 

DAPHNE TURNS AS NILES PULLS A FACE THAT MAKES HIM LOOK QUITE SICK, WHILE PLAYING WITH THE THERMOMETER WITH HIS TONGUE MAKING IT POINT TO THE CEILING. DAPHNE LOOKS AT HIM PUZZLED 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Niles are you feeling all right? 

NILES SIGHS AND PULLS THE FACE AGAIN BUT WITH MORE EMPHASIS AS ROZ ENTERS AND JOINS DAPHNE IN LOOKING PUZZLED AT HIM 

ROZ 

Niles are you all right, you look as if you ate a bad clam. 

DAPHNE FINALLY REALISES 

DAPHNE 

Oh! He's fine Roz. 

ROZ REALISES 

ROZ 

Oh! 

EXIT ROZ AS NILES TAKES THE THERMOMETER OUT OF HIS MOUTH 

NILES 

What does that mean? Oh? 

DAPHNE 

Let's have that back in your mouth please. I'm sorry I was just telling Roz that your 'come to bed' eyes could easily be confused with your 'come to the emergency room' eyes. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN AND FRASIER BEGIN TO ARGUE, BUT WITH THE THERMOMETERS STILL IN THEIR MOUTHS, WHICH MAKES WHAT THEY SAY BARELY AUDIBLE LET ALONE UNDERSTANDABLE 

MARTIN 

Will you stop playing that? How am I supposed to hear my show? 

FRASIER 

Dad, they're reading him his rights. You know how it goes. 

ENTER DAPHNE WITH NILES FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND 

DAPHNE 

Will you boys stop fighting? Now let me look at these. 

SHE TAKES THE THERMOMETERS OUT OF FRASIER AND MARTIN'S MOUTHS AND CHECKS THEM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Normal and normal. Right that means you're going to work tomorrow and you're getting dressed tomorrow. 

MARTIN 

How can you say that Daphne? I'm still so sick. 

FRASIER 

So am I. 

DAPHNE 

There's nothing wrong with either of you. 

MARTIN 

But we're sick. 

DAPHNE 

You are not sick. 

SHE TAKES THE THERMOMETER OUT OF NILES' MOUTH AND CHECKS IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

But you're still a little hot. 

NILES 

I'm glad you noticed 

FRASIER 

Oh fine it's favouritism now. We're not the ones who show you our 'we may kiss you or vomit on you, I haven't decided yet' eyes. 

NILES 

For God's sake what do I look like? 

NILES WALKS TO THE BATHROOM AND STANDS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR PULLING FACES 

DAPHNE 

I'm not making you go back to work today am I? 

SHE TAKES FRASIER'S HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE COUCH LIKE A LITTLE BOY WHO HAS JUST BEEN TOLD HE HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

It'll be fun, you'll be able to see all your friends again. 

FRASIER 

I don't want to see them, I want to stay here. 

ROZ 

But it's so boring staying around here. 

FRASIER 

It is not. 

DAPHNE COUGHS AND THEN SNEEZES 

DAPHNE 

Do you know how much trouble I'll be in if I keep you off school any longer, they'll lock me up, oh what am I saying? Dr. Crane you've milked this as long as possible, you're going back to work tomorrow. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

But I'm still so sick. 

MARTIN 

I have an idea 

MARTIN TAKES THE THERMOMETERS AND PUTS THEM ON A LIGHT BULB. BEFORE DAPHNE COMES BACK THEY PUT THEM IN THEIR MOUTHS. NATURALLY THEY ARE BOTH EXTREMELY HOT AND THEY HAVE TROUBLE HOLDING THEM IN THEIR MOUTHS 

ENTER DAPHNE WHO PICKS UP THE TISSUES 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Look Daphne, look how high they really are. 

DAPHNE 

Do you think I was born yesterday? 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY ROZ WITH THE BIN 

MARTIN 

Well it was worth a try. 

FRASIER 

Worth a try? I've nearly burnt a hole in my tongue. It feels as if I've had it pierced. 

MARTIN 

It's all your fault, if you hadn't made so much noise on that piano. 

FRASIER 

How is this my fault? You're the one who got out of bed first and starting flinging tissues around the room. Niles back me up here. Niles! Niles! What the hell are you doing? 

NILES COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

Surely someone must be able to tell the difference. These are my 'come to bed' eyes and these are my 'I'm feeling ill' eyes. 

FRASIER 

Niles there is absolutely no difference. 

MARTIN 

If you ask me they both look like 'help I'm having an embolism' eyes. 

ENTER ROZ

FRASIER 

For God's sake Niles these are come to bed eyes. 

FRASIER PULLS A FACE SIMILAR TO THE ONE THAT NILES DID 

ROZ 

You guys spend way too much time together. And what were they Frasier? No wonder you only see a little action every other leap year. Your eyebrow twitches like an electrocuted frog leg. 

NILES 

They look more like 'I haven't had a date in a while and I'm getting horny and desperate' eyes. 

ROZ 

These are come to bed eyes. 

ROZ GRABS NILES' FACE AND STARES AT HIM SEDUCTIVELY 

NILES 

Oh like they would work. 

FRASIER 

But they look more like a command than an invitation. I'd be too scared about what you'd do to me. Now these are more friendly and much more likely to get a result. 

FRASIER PULLS HIS FACE AGAIN AS EDDIE COMES RUNNING UP TO FRASIER AND SITS IN FRONT OF HIM. HE STARES AT HIM AND THEN BARKS 

ROZ 

You're right Frasier, those eyes have a real rare animal magnetism to them. At least my eyes get the right result. 

NILES 

With all due respect Roz, they look more like 'put the money on the dresser before you leave' eyes. 

ROZ 

Hey these eyes have worked wonders for me on more than a few occasions. 

NILES 

Oh I don't doubt it, we can tell by the way you walk. 

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Well enough of this fun, but I need Daphne to run down the store for me if I am to return to work tomorrow looking my best. 

MARTIN 

No chance, it's two o'clock, it's time for my exercises. 

FRASIER 

Well surely that can wait. 

MARTIN 

I've been in bed for nearly a week, my hip is so stiff it may snap at any moment. We've been saying we're going to do it all day. 

NILES 

I'm sure both of those things can wait. 

FRASIER 

Oh Niles get your hormones in check. 

NILES 

Why should I go straight to the back of the list? 

FRASIER 

Because my needs are more important on this occasion. 

MARTIN 

More important than mine? 

FRASIER 

Yes. 

NILES 

And what are they? 

FRASIER 

I need dental floss. 

MARTIN 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

Well I am a celebrity and public figure. 

NILES 

You're on the radio, who will see you. 

FRASIER 

How about the groupies by the door. 

MARTIN 

You can hardly call a man who tries to get you to tattoo your signature on his stomach and a fifteen year old girl who wants to take a photo of Gill's taste buds groupies. 

ENTER DAPHNE AND ROZ

NILES 

That's it I win, she's mine. 

MARTIN 

Why do you win? 

NILES 

Because she's my girlfriend. 

FRASIER 

She's my employee. 

MARTIN 

Exactly and you hired her for me. 

NILES 

It was my suggestion in the first place. 

DAPHNE 

What is the matter with you three? 

FRASIER 

I just need you to run down the store for me. 

MARTIN 

But we have to do my exercises. 

NILES JUST SHOWS HER HIS COME TO BED EYES 

FRASIER 

Remember who pays your wages. 

MARTIN 

You wouldn't have to if it wasn't for me. 

NILES 

Daphne, I've got vapour rub. 

DAPHNE 

Will you all stop it! (SHE COUGHS) Do you have any kind of consideration for me? I've done nothing but run around after you three for the last week. I've done everything that you've asked and only grumbled under my breath and have you given one thought for me? Have you stopped complaining to thank me once? (SHE SNEEZES) Have you given it a thought that maybe I might feel bad as well, before you send me off on an errand, or started with your none stop sexual pestering? Have you given it a thought that maybe I need to go to bed? 

NILES 

I have. 

DAPHNE 

Oh will you get a hold of yourself you horny idiot. (SHE COUGHS) That's it. There is nothing wrong with any of you any more. I've had enough, I'm going to bed until I feel better. (SHE COUGHS) 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM 

ROZ 

May I suggest that you get dressed, tidy this place up and more importantly apologise? 

FRASIER 

Never a more truer word spoken. 

FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS NILES GOES TO EXIT TO DAPHNE'S ROOM 

ROZ 

Niles, don't even think about it. 

NILES 

I wasn't. 

ROZ 

But you were pulling that face. 

NILES 

This is my feeling guilty expression. My God can I only pull one face? 

AS NILES EXITS AND ROZ BEGINS TO PICK THE TISSUES OFF EDDIE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: 'SOUNDS, AND SWEET AIRS, THAT GIVE DELIGHT AND HURT NOT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — DAY — DAY/5   
(Niles, Daphne) 

NILES, WITHOUT HIS JACKET BUT STILL WEARING A SHIRT, TIE AND SUSPENDERS LIES ON TOP OF THE COVERS ON DAPHNE'S BED. DAPHNE LIES NEXT TO HIM UNDER THE COVERS IN HER DRESSING GOWN. SHE HAS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER AS HE HOLDS HER. THE ROOM IS FULL OF FLOWERS AND A GET WELL BANNER 

NILES 

(SINGING) Did you ever see a dream walking? Well I do. Did you ever hear a dream talking? Well I do. Did you ever have a dream thrill you, with will you be mine? Oh it's so grand and it's too, too divine. Did you ever see a dream dancing? Well I do. Did you ever see a dream romancing? Well I do. Did you ever find heaven right here in your arms saying I love you, I do? Well the dream that was walking and the dream that was talking and I have in my arms, was you. 

DAPHNE COUGHS AND THEN BLOWS HER NOSE BEFORE LYING BACK DOWN WHERE SHE WAS 

DAPHNE 

Sing it again. 

NILES 

Again? 

DAPHNE 

Please, I like it. 

NILES 

(SINGING) Did you ever see a dream walking? Well I do. 

AS NILES CONTINUES WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM CARRYING A TRAY WITH SOME DINNER ON AND A LARGE BUNCH OF FLOWERS. DAPHNE GOES TO THANK THEM BUT COUGHS VERY LONG AND HARD BEFORE SHE CAN. FRASIER AND MARTIN QUICKLY COVER THEIR MOUTHS AND BACK AWAY FROM HER. AS THEY SLOWLY EDGE TOWARDS THE DOOR, SHE NOTICES WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND THROWS A PILLOW AT THEM. 


	15. Episode Fifteen

_I do not own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Studios and Grub Street Productions. _

_To Elaine, he was more beautiful and more brilliant then I ever imagined or could ever describe to you. _

_Feedback would be appreciated, kelly_simba@hotmail.com _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Fifteen   
A Gourmet Food Fight 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'THINGS THAT GO AHHHH IN THE NIGHT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/1   
(Niles, Daphne) 

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. SUDDENLY NILES WAKES WITH A START, SHOUTS AND PUTS HIS ARM ACROSS TO SEE IF DAPHNE IS STILL LYING NEXT TO HIM. WHEN HE FEELS SHE IS HE LET'S OUT A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF 

DAPHNE DOESN'T LIFT HER HEAD OR OPEN HER EYES WHEN SHE SPEAKS 

DAPHNE 

Yes I'm still here. No I didn't marry Donny. Yes I am dating you. Yes it was sweet the first time you did but I swear to God Niles, that if you do it once more tonight you'll be sleeping on the bloody couch. 

NILES 

OK, I'm sorry. 

DAPHNE 

It's all right, just don't do it again. 

HE LEANS OVER KISSES HER AND THEN LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN 

CUT TO: 

(B) 

CUT TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Daphne, Gil, Eddie, Mrs. Richmond, Connor (VO) Reporter (VO)) 

NILES IS LYING ON THE COUCH IN HIS DRESSING GOWN WITH A BLANKET OVER HIM AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM ALSO IN HIS DRESSING GOWN 

FRASIER 

Good morning Niles. 

NILES 

Morning Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Am I to detect from your sleeping arrangements that you once again pounced on Daphne in the night like a hawk on a very tired, annoyed titmouse? 

NILES 

Seven times. 

FRASIER 

Seven? That's a new record. I suspected as much last night. I heard you shouting but I was too busy searching in vain for my ear plugs and treasuring my sense of sight too much to see if anything was seriously wrong. Can I get you a coffee? 

NILES 

Please. 

FRASIER EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

Oh hey Niles. Did it again huh? 

NILES NODS AND COLLAPSES IN A HEAP ON THE COUCH 

SFX: DOORBELL 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. AS HE OPENS THE DOOR HIS DRESSING GOWN COMES UNDONE AND OPENS UP REVEALING MORE THAN HE WOULD LIKE. ENTER ROZ 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Roz, what are you doing here? 

ROZ 

I'm going out with Daphne this morning. 

FRASIER 

Where? 

ROZ 

Oh just to the mall. And Frasier you've already said hello so can you get _little_ Frasier to stop waving at me before he has my eye out? 

FRASIER REALISES AND FASTENS HIS DRESSING GOWN UP AGAIN 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

ROZ 

There is a lady present after all. 

NILES 

Where? 

ROZ 

Sitting on the couch in a far too feminine dressing gown for a man. And I use the term man in the loosest possible way. 

NILES 

I'll let that one go, but only because I'm too tired to have some sort of bare knuckle street fight with you, especially as that would give you the home advantage. Well look at that I'm not as tired as I first thought. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Morning everyone. Oh hi Roz, just let me grab something to eat and then we'll be off. 

ROZ 

OK great. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY NILES 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS 

DAPHNE PUTS SOME BREAD IN THE TOASTER AS NILES APPROACHES BEHIND HER 

NILES 

Daphne I want to apologise once again for last night. 

DAPHNE 

Oh come here, I'm not mad at you. 

SHE HUGS HIM 

NILES 

You can understand how I got that impression when you started to beat me about the head with a pillow and threw me out of your room amidst a shower of four letter words and coat hangers. 

DAPHNE 

I was tired and grouchy and it was three in the morning. 

ENTER ROZ UNNOTICED BY DAPHNE AND NILES 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

And it's not that I mind, at first I actually quite liked it, but last night went to far. No sooner had I calmed down and my heart had stopped fibrillating, you did it again. 

NILES 

I know and I'm sorry. 

DAPHNE 

Once was expected, twice was sweet, three times was understandable, but by the forth I was starting to get a little bit tired. 

NILES 

Seven times in one night is a bit much. 

DAPHNE 

A bit much? Niles, honey I'm exhausted. 

ROZ 

Wow, people in the room. 

NILES 

OK, I'm going to get dressed. 

NILES KISSES HER AND EXITS AS ROZ IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO DAPHNE LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME 

ROZ 

So, seven times in one night? 

DAPHNE 

That's right, I'm absolutely bloody knackered. And I know for a fact it would have happened at least another three of four times if I hadn't kicked him out of my room when I did. 

ROZ 

My God, you wouldn't guess it to look at him. He must have been storing it up for years. Gestating it in a box under his bed. 

DAPHNE 

I guess everyone has one of those little idiosyncrasies or annoying habits. It's just something that I'll have to get used to. 

ROZ 

I wouldn't complain Daphne, it won't last forever. And it's not everyday you find an Energizer Bunny on speed in a stuffed shirt like Niles. 

DAPHNE 

I hope not, I don't think the neighbours are going to appreciate all the screaming for much longer. 

ROZ 

Really? 

DAPHNE 

And no matter how much I try, I can't help but scream the place down. I'm the first to admit I didn't think it would be like this. But last night he drove me barmy. You could guarantee that the moment I was about to drift back off to sleep, he'd shoot upright and grab me. 

ROZ 

Now I think we're sharing too much. 

SFX: DOORBELL 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS 

FRASIER GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR, ONCE AGAIN WITH HIS DRESSING GOWN WIDE OPEN, BUT UNKNOWN TO HIM. ENTER GIL 

FRASIER 

Gil? This is an unexpected surprise. What are you doing here? 

GIL 

Frasier thank God you're home, I'm having a bit of a crisis here. 

GIL NOTICES THAT FRASIER'S DRESSING GOWN IS OPEN AND HE IS BARING ALL AS EDDIE ENTERS FROM MARTIN'S ROOM AND SITS ON THE COUCH 

GIL (CONT'D) 

Frasier it's increasing hard to speak to you when your _little_ friend is staring at me. 

FRASIER A LITTLE PUZZLED TURNS AND SEES EDDIE STARING AT THEM 

FRASIER 

Oh that's just Eddie. 

GIL 

Eddie? A man with your vast intellect and you've named it Eddie? At least you stopped short of Mr. Happy in more ways than one. 

FRASIER 

Well my father did. It's technically my father's, I just take him out whenever I have to, you know for the exercise. Just ignore him he'll go away. He's a bit of an attention seeker. 

MRS. RICHMOND WALKS PAST AND AFTER HAVING SEEN THAT FRASIER'S ROBE IS UNDONE AND HE IS SHOWING ALL TO THE WORLD, SHE SHRIEKS AND RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

For God's sake Mrs. Richmond, I won't let him near you. I really don't know what your problem is he won't bite. He's actually very soft to the touch. 

MARTIN 

I can't let this go on any longer. Frasier do up your robe before you catch a cold. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. (SHOUTS) Sorry Mrs. Richmond. 

FRASIER DOES UP HIS DRESSING GOWN ONCE AGAIN AND SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

And what exactly is your crisis? 

GIL 

Apart from now having to spend the next few years in therapy repressing certain images, this. 

GIL WALKS OVER TO THE TELEVISION AND SWITCHES IT ON 

CONNOR 

(VOICE OVER) I'm not coming down. 

REPORTER 

(VOICE OVER) A desperate cry from a desperate man. 

GIL MUTES THE TELEVISION AS ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

What's going on? 

GIL 

That's Connor O'Beirne, the former chef at Chez Henry. 

FRASIER 

Former chef? I thought they just hired him last week. 

GIL 

They had until my review of his culinary skills resulted in them having a change of heart and a change of chef. He's been on that ledge for three hours threatening to jump off. 

FRASIER 

My God what did you say to turn him suicidal? 

GIL 

Nothing terrible. 

DAPHNE 

Wait a minute, I remember this. You said something about having being served a real baby. 

GIL 

I did nothing of the sort. I just simply stated that although the man is Irish there was no need for him to take Jonathan Swifts comments so literally when he suggested that the Irish peasants feed their babies to the rich. How was I to know it would push him over the edge? 

FRASIER 

If only there had been some sign. 

GIL 

What was Henry thinking hiring an Irish chef in the first place? It would be like hiring a French man to promote good personal hygiene and manners. 

FRASIER 

What exactly do you want me to do about it? 

GIL 

I want you to help talk him down. Oh please Frasier I have enough to contend with at the moment with Deb being so depressed about losing the World's Strongest Woman title. 

MARTIN 

Hey, I saw that. Did you see that woman who picked up a boat with one hand but then dropped it on one of the judges? 

GIL 

That was Deb. Needless to say that incident didn't go in her favour. The moment the doctors mentioned the possibility of fitting him with a metal plate the contest was pretty much over. To make matters worse she couldn't even flirt her way into the top three after that surgery to remove that mole off her face went badly. She's been so upset recently she's taken to collecting porcelain crying clowns. I can't cope with that and a mad, suicidal, bloated, Irish chef as well. 

FRASIER 

Oh very well, I'll get dressed, why don't you help yourself to a quick cup of coffee. 

FRASIER EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM AS GIL EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

That was Gil's wife on the World's Strongest Women? 

ROZ 

What did she look like, after all these years I've never actually seen her? 

MARTIN 

Let's just put it like this. I know why you've never seen her. 

DAPHNE 

Why's that? 

MARTIN 

Because she's been too busy stopping at home braiding her back hair. 

AS GIL ENTERS WITH HIS CUP OF COFFEE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' MERCEDES – DAY – DAY/2 

NILES DRIVES WITH FRASIER IN THE PASSENGER SEAT AND WITH GIL IN THE BACK SEAT. 

NILES 

I still don't know why I had to come. 

FRASIER 

Because my car is in the shop. 

GIL 

And Deb was using mine this morning for her exercises. 

FRASIER 

How can a car help her exercise? Isn't that defeating the object? 

GIL 

She dismantles it and reassembles it in the basement in a race against the clock. 

NILES 

How is that exercise? 

GIL 

Well you try carrying a car door up and down two flights of stairs without breaking out into a sweat. 

FRASIER 

Ok this is it slow down. 

NILES STOPS THE CAR AND PARKS 

NILES 

How can you tell? 

FRASIER 

The Police cars, the crowd of on lookers and the reporters should tip you off. Not to mention the man screaming and shouting from off a window ledge. 

NILES 

I only asked a simple question. 

FRASIER 

And you got a simple answer. OK let's go. 

GIL 

If you don't mind I'll just stay here. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

GIL 

I'm the one who put him in this state. It's probably not a good idea for him to see me right now, it might push him over the edge. 

FRASIER 

That's a good point, he might jump and take you with him. 

NILES 

Which reminds me. 

NILES BACKS THE CAR UP A FEW FEET 

FRASIER 

What are you doing? 

NILES 

Just moving my car. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

NILES 

Do you have any idea how much it would cost to have the imprint of an overweight suicidal chef pounded out of my hood? 

FRASIER 

Your confidence in our ability to talk him down just astounds me. 

NILES 

Oh I don't doubt we'll talk him down. But there's nothing wrong with taking precautions, we all know how your Mctherapy sessions can suddenly back fire. 

FRASIER 

Just get going. 

AS NILES AND FRASIER GET OUT OF THE CAR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE BIRDS' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CONNOR'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/2   
(Frasier, Carl, Niles, Connor) 

SEVERAL POLICE MEN, INCLUDING CARL, STAND BY THE OPEN WINDOW TO THE RIGHT OF CONNOR'S LIVING ROOM TRYING TO TALK CONNOR INSIDE, WHO CAN BE SEEN STANDING OUTSIDE ON THE LEDGE. FRASIER AND NILES ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. 

FRASIER 

Morning fellas. 

CARL 

Hey look it's Dr. Crane from the radio. You gave up your Saturday morning to come down here and help us out? 

FRASIER 

I see helping the mentally disturbed as a calling rather than an obligation. There is a person here who needs me. Who am I to deny him my gift? 

NILES 

Yes watch later as he turns water into wine while walking across Puget Sound. 

CARL 

Can I get your autograph? 

FRASIER 

But of course. 

CARL 

Hey Pete come here it's Dr. Crane from the radio. 

AS ALL THE OTHER POLICEMEN ABANDON CONNOR ON THE WINDOW LEDGE AND MOVE TOWARDS FRASIER TO GET HIS AUTOGRAPH, NILES MOVES TOWARDS THE OPEN WINDOW 

NILES 

It's nice to see you've got your priorities in order. I can see you're busy here, so I'll go and stop the man from killing himself. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. CONNOR'S WINDOW LEDGE – CONTINUOUS 

CONNOR, A RATHER LARGE MAN, STANDS ON THE LEDGE BUT CLINGING TO THE WALL RATHER THAN REALLY THREATENING TO JUMP. NILES PUTS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW TO SPEAK TO HIM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Hello Mr. O'Beirne? 

CONNOR MOVES FURTHER ALONG THE WALL BEFORE SPEAKING IN A VERY THICK IRISH ACCENT. 

CONNOR 

Stay away from me. I'll jump if you come any closer. I mean it I'm not afraid. 

NILES 

Well what ever you decide but would you mind avoiding that black Mercedes parked to the right? 

CONNOR 

Is that your car? 

NILES 

Yes it is. 

CONNOR 

That's nice. Is it all leather interior? 

NILES 

Yes. 

CONNOR 

Air conditioning? 

NILES 

Of course. 

CONNOR 

What kind of mileage do you get from that? 

NILES 

I think that's besides the point. I think we should focus on the fact that you are trying to kill yourself. Why don't you come back inside? 

CONNOR 

Wait a minute, are you a shrink? 

NILES 

I'm a psychiatrist yes. 

CONNOR 

I don't want to talk to a shrink, back away from me. I'll jump and I'm not afraid to take you with me. 

NILES 

May I ask why? 

CONNOR 

I know all about you people, you'll turn me gay. I don't want to be gay, I like the way I swing. You'll turn me into a Queen with a bad attitude. 

NILES 

Honestly Mr. O'Beirne there is no chance of that. 

CONNOR 

How do I know you're telling the truth? 

NILES 

Because it states in the Hippocratic oath that we're not allowed to put the moves on our patients until at least the third session. 

CONNOR MOVES FURTHER UP THE WALL 

CONNOR 

I knew it, get away from me, I know your tactic. Nail them while they're vulnerable, well you're not getting me. 

NILES TAKES OUT HIS WALLET AND SHOWS CONNOR A PICTURE 

NILES 

Mr. O'Beirne that was a joke. Look, here's a picture of my girlfriend. I have no intention of altering your sexuality I just want you to come inside. 

CONNOR 

Oh OK. Is it true you shrinks do a lot of drugs? 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

CONNOR 

That Freud fella, he did enough of that devil's dandruff to kill a small horse. Don't you try to emulate him? 

NILES 

Personally I don't, I can't speak for the entire profession when it comes to 'devil's dandruff' but seriously Mr... 

CONNOR 

I can't talk to you like this. 

NILES 

So you're coming in? 

CONNOR 

No I want you to come out here. 

NILES 

But it's fourteen floors and there are pigeons. 

CONNOR 

They're not going to bite your ankles. Peck maybe. 

NILES 

Even so I think I'll just stay here. 

CONNOR PUTS HIS FOOT OVER THE EDGE TO FORCE NILES TO GO OUT THERE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

OK what's the worse that could happen? 

NILES CLIMBS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND STANDS ON THE WINDOW LEDGE 

CONNOR 

You could slip on some pigeon poop and end up embedded on the hood of your car. 

NILES LOOKS DOWN AND THEN COVERS HIS MOUTH AS IF ABOUT TO BE SICK 

NILES 

OK, suddenly feeling dizzy. 

NILES SUDDENLY GOES EXTREMELY PALE AND BEGINS TO CLING TO THE WALL 

CONNOR 

Doc, are you all right? 

NILES 

I'm just discovering my fear for heights. 

CONNOR 

It's a bit of an unfortunate time. I bet you're also remembering you have a colon. 

A PIGEON MOVES ALONG THE LEDGE TOWARDS NILES 

NILES 

Get away from me. Shoo. Back off. 

CONNOR 

Just kick it away. 

NILES 

I would but I appear to be frozen to the spot. 

THE PIGEON THEN FLIES UP AND LANDS ON NILES' HEAD AND JUST STANDS THERE. HE ATTEMPTS TO GET IT OFF BY WAVING AT IT, BUT HIS GESTURES ARE SO TINY DUE TO HIS FEAR OF MOVING IN CASE HE FALLS, THAT THE PIGEON DOESN'T MOVE. NILES SLOWLY SLIDES DOWN THE WALL UNTIL HE IS ALMOST LYING ON THE LEDGE STILL CLINGING TO IT FOR DEAR LIFE 

CONNOR 

And you're supposed to be helping me? Don't you earn more money if I live? Or is it that you get some sort of commission from the local funeral homes? 

NILES 

I just need to sit down. 

CONNOR TRIES TO HELP HIM SIT UP BUT NILES JUST PUSHES HIM AWAY 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Don't touch me you'll knock me over the edge. 

NILES CURLS UP INTO A BALL AND STARTS TO BREATHE VERY RAPIDLY AS THE PIGEON REMAINS ON HIS HEAD 

CONNOR 

Doc, you seem to be hyperventilating there. Hey can we get some help out here? 

FRASIER STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES NILES 

FRASIER 

Oh my God Niles. 

AS FRASIER ATTEMPTS TO GET NILES TO CRAWL OVER TO HIM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. SHOPPING MALL – DAY – DAY/2   
(Roz, Daphne, Reporter, Niles) 

ROZ AND DAPHNE WALK PAST A DEPARTMENT STORE WINDOW WHERE A SERIES OF TELEVISIONS BROADCAST THE SCENE FROM THE WINDOW LEDGE 

ROZ 

Hey is that Niles on the television. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God it is. He must be helping Dr. Crane talk that chef down. I'm so proud of him. 

REPORTER 

(ON THE TELEVISION) And the name of the second jumper has just been confirmed. His name is Niles Crane, brother to radio psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane. 

DAPHNE 

What? 

ROZ 

They've just made a mistake. 

NILES 

(ON THE TELEVISION) Get away from me! 

ROZ 

Then again maybe not. 

DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO GET HER CAR SO THAT SHE CAN DRIVE TO THE SCENE AS ROZ FOLLOWS HER AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. CONNOR'S WINDOW LEDGE – DAY – DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Connor, Daphne, Carl) 

NILES REMAINS IN THE SAME POSITION AS BEFORE AS FRASIER AND CONNOR DESPERATELY TRY TO GET HIM TO GO BACK INSIDE. THE PIGEON REMAINS ON TOP OF HIS HEAD 

FRASIER 

Niles, just crawl over here and come back in the window. 

NILES 

I can't, if I move I'll fall. 

FRASIER 

Don't be ridiculous. We're supposed to be helping this man not trying to steal his headline. 

CONNOR 

Here take my hand. 

NILES BATS HIS HAND AWAY 

NILES 

Get away from me. And will you get your feathers out of my eyes! Don't you dare loose control of your bowel. 

FRASIER 

Niles stop hyperventilating you'll pass out and I don't particularly want to identify a pile of goo at the morgue. 

NILES 

It always has to be about you doesn't it? 

CONNOR 

Get him a paper bag. 

FRASIER 

Can we get a paper bag out here? 

CARL APPROACHES THE WINDOW AND GIVES FRASIER A PAPER BAG 

CARL 

Here you go Dr. Crane. 

CONNOR 

Dr. Crane from the radio? 

FRASIER 

That's right. 

CONNOR 

Wow, can I get your autograph? 

FRASIER TAKES OUT A PEN AND GOES TO SIGN THE PAPER BAG 

FRASIER 

Of course you can. Who should I make it out to? Connor? Mr O'Beirne? 

NILES 

Can I have that bag sometime today or do you want me to pass out and fall over the edge first? 

FRASIER GIVES NILES THE PAPER BAG AND HE BEGINS TO BREATHE INTO IT. AFTER A FEW BREATHS HE BEGINS TO COUGH AND ALMOST LOOSES HIS BALANCE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God that's disgusting. 

FRASIER 

It's just a little pigeon excrement. You can flick it out and then have a nice bath when you get in. 

NILES 

I didn't mean that. There's a mouldy half eaten doughnut in this bag. I mean what! What's he done on my head? 

NILES TAKES THE DOUGHNUT OUT OF THE BAG AND PLACES IT BESIDE HIM AS HE BREATHES INTO THE BAG 

CONNOR 

Nothing that a bit of spit and a hanky won't clean. And then if that doesn't work maybe a hair cut or a new hat. I hear Bowlers are all the rage again. 

NILES 

Oh my God. Get this thing off me. 

FRASIER 

Connor I think there should be a limit to how much you help. 

NILES BEGINS TO BANG HIS HEAD ON THE WALL IN AN ATTEMPT TO SCARE THE PIGEON AWAY. INSTEAD IT JUST FLY'S DOWN, PICKS UP THE PIECE OF DOUGHNUT AND THEN FLY'S BACK ON TOP OF HIS HEAD AGAIN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Now Niles you have to come back inside. 

CONNOR 

Look let me show you how easy it is. 

CONNOR WALKS ALONG THE EDGE AND CLIMBS BACK IN THE WINDOW 

CONNOR (CONT'D) 

See there's nothing to it. Nothing bad happen to me. 

THE GROUP OF POLICEMEN THEN ALL JUMP ON CONNOR TO PREVENT HIM FROM TRYING TO DO IT AGAIN. 

FRASIER 

Well done Niles, this has worked like a charm. I only wished you'd have told me about your idea for reversed role play before hand. 

SEVERAL MORE PIGEONS MOVE OVER TO NILES AND TRY TO LAND ON HIS HEAD AND SHOULDERS ALL AFTER THE DOUGHNUT 

NILES 

Someone help I'm having a Hitchcock flashback. 

RESET TO: 

INT. CONNOR'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 

FRASIER 

Oh Niles will you just get back in here you drama Queen! 

CONNOR 

Queen? I knew you were gay. 

CARL 

How many more times? I'm married, but the dry cleaner shrank my trousers, that's why they are so tight. 

FRASIER 

He wasn't talking about you, he was talking about him. 

CARL 

Oh you mean you two are gay? Is that why he's trying to kill himself? Have you had a row? 

FRASIER 

No, no, no, he's my brother. 

CARL 

An incestuous, homosexual celebrity suicide attempt? Man, I'm going to be on Jerry Springer. 

FRASIER 

Oh will you stop it! 

CONNOR 

Don't get all upset with us because you're in the garden shed. 

FRASIER 

In the shed? You mean in the closet. 

CARL 

As long as you except yourselves for who you are, why should you care what the rest of the world thinks? 

FRASIER 

We've both been married twice. 

CONNOR 

To each other? Isn't that illegal? 

FRASIER 

Why am I even continuing this conversation? Niles will you get in here. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. CONNOR'S WINDOW LEDGE – CONTINUOUS 

NILES IS NOW ALMOST COMPLETELY COVERED WITH PIGEONS, ALL TRYING TO GET THE PIECE OF DOUGHNUT 

DAPHNE ARRIVES IN THE CROWD BELOW 

DAPHNE 

Niles! 

NILES 

Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

Niles honey don't jump. I love you. I'm sorry I yelled. I was inconsiderate, you can do it twelve times a night if you want, if it'll make you happy. 

NILES 

I love you! 

CARL 

Twelve times? What is this guy some sort of suicidal sexual athlete? 

CONNOR 

Sorry Doc, it looks like he's cheating on you with a woman. 

FRASIER 

Actually she's my father's physical therapist. 

CARL 

I'll make a fortune from this story. 

FRASIER 

Niles will you crawl over here? 

NILES 

I can't Frasier, if I move I'll fall. 

CARL TAKES OUT HIS GUN AND FIRES OUT THE WINDOW TO SCARE THE PIGEONS OFF AS THE CROWD SCREAMS FROM BELOW 

SFX: GUNSHOT 

CARL THEN REACHES OUT OF THE WINDOW AND GRABS HIS ANKLES AND DRAGS HIM SLOWLY ALONG THE WINDOW LEDGE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Help! Armani suit being dragged along pigeon business and my dry cleaner is out of town! 

CARL 

I'd recommend mine but as I said he's shrank these trousers so much they really bind in the crotch. 

AS NILES IS PULLED BACK INTO THE WINDOW WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Martin, Connor, Niles, Daphne, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR STARING AT THE KITCHEN WHERE CONNOR CAN BE SEEN PREPARING DINNER AS FRASIER ENTERS 

FRASIER 

Dad are you feeling all right? 

MARTIN 

I'm fine. 

FRASIER 

Then what's with the face? 

MARTIN 

Has it escaped your notice that we happen to have an unstable suicidal madman in the kitchen who at this very moment is inches away from a block of wood full of very large, very sharp knifes and not to mention Eddie? 

FRASIER 

Connor's fine. He's of danger to himself. 

MARTIN 

It's us I'm concerned about. 

FRASIER 

Oh nonsense, we've been making some real breakthroughs. 

CONNOR SUDDENLY STARTS SCREAMING AND SHOUTING FROM THE KITCHEN AND CAN BE SEEN BANGING HIS HEAD ON THE ISLAND 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Connor are you OK? 

CONNOR 

My soufflé hasn't risen. 

CONNOR FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND LOOKS UP TO THE HEAVENS 

CONNOR (CONT'D) 

Why lord why? 

MARTIN 

Oh yeah he's fine. Best take out the toaster before he sticks his fork into it. 

FRASIER 

Oh he would never do that. 

MARTIN 

Moved it into your room? 

FRASIER 

This morning along with the blades from the garbage disposal and Daphne's left over steak and kidney pie. 

MARTIN 

Even he's not crazy enough to eat that. 

FRASIER 

I know but while it was just sitting there, there was always the chance that he might club himself to death with it. 

MARTIN 

I still don't know why you had to get him to move in here. 

FRASIER 

Because Gil asked me to help this man and help him I shall. 

MARTIN 

And what is he doing for you in exchange? 

FRASIER 

Really Dad I'm shocked. You think that I would only help out another human being in distress if I served to gain from it? 

MARTIN 

I know you. 

FRASIER 

I am appalled. Oh all right, he can get me into the private room at La Cigare Volant. 

MARTIN 

If you ask me this guy should be in a private room with padding all around him. 

FRASIER 

Be quiet he'll hear you. Now he's cooking dinner for us, and I want you to make all the yummy noises that you can with your mouth full. 

MARTIN 

Oh joy now not only do I have to lie to Daphne about her cooking I have to do it to this guy as well? 

FRASIER 

Is it so hard for you to say 'oh well done, that's great'? 

MARTIN 

I managed it at your first and only little league game didn't I? 

FRASIER 

But it would have helped if you weren't sobbing uncontrollably at the time. 

MARTIN 

Well have you ever had all of your dreams disappear with one swing of a bat? 

FRASIER 

No, in my case it was one bullet in a hip. 

SFX: DOORBELL 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Good evening Niles. 

NILES 

Hey Frasier. Hi Dad. Frasier smell. 

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD UNDER FRASIER'S NOSE 

FRASIER 

For the last time Niles no I can't smell pigeon on your head. Like I couldn't smell it this morning, or yesterday or the day before. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Niles! I thought I heard the doorbell go. How are you feeling today? 

NILES 

Daphne I'm fine. 

SHE TAKES HIS HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE COUCH. AS SHE TALKS TO HIM SHE SLOWLY STROKES HIS HEAD AS IF TALKING TO AN UNSTABLE CHILD 

DAPHNE 

Of course you are and don't you let anyone tell you otherwise. You're a special, wonderful man and I love you no matter what. 

NILES 

How many more times? Daphne I wasn't trying to kill myself. 

DAPHNE 

I know, I know. It just got me so worried about you. But if you were to do it, remember that I'll still love you. 

NILES 

Oh Daphne, now seriously I wasn't trying to kill myself because you yelled at me and can you smell pigeon? 

DAPHNE SMELLS THE TOP OF HIS HEAD 

DAPHNE 

I just smell a strong, confident, colossus of a man. 

NILES JUST SIGHS AND RESIGNS HIMSELF TO THE FACT THAT HE IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO COMPLETELY CONVINCE DAPHNE IN THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE 

SFX: DOORBELL 

FRASIER 

That must be Roz. Our special guest is not arriving until later. 

MARTIN 

What special guest? 

FRASIER 

I've invited Gil. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS 

MARTIN 

What did you do that for? 

NILES 

Are you insane? 

ROZ 

Fine of you don't want me here, I'll just leave. 

FRASIER 

That wasn't aimed at you. 

ROZ 

Then what's the problem? 

FRASIER 

I've invited Gil. 

ROZ 

What are you nuts? 

FRASIER 

What's the big deal? 

NILES 

He turned the man suicidal. It's probably not the best idea for him to see him. 

FRASIER 

Nonsense. Connor has made some real progress. 

MARTIN 

Resigning yourself to the fact that you're not going to be able to plunge yourself over the side of the balcony because it's been locked is not progress. 

FRASIER 

It'll be fine. You underestimate my skills as a therapist. 

DAPHNE 

Fine, but I'm not going to be mopping Gil up off the carpet when the inevitable happens. 

MARTIN 

That would never happen Daphne. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou, so you do have confidence in me after all. 

MARTIN 

We have a special until down at the station that cleans up all the blood after the crime scene has been closed. You wouldn't have to clean it. 

ROZ 

When's he going arrive? 

FRASIER 

Not until after dinner when we've got his confidence up. 

NILES 

You're putting way too much stock into these yummy noises. 

FRASIER 

Everything will be fine. Trust me. 

DAPHNE 

I'll see if he needs any help. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

Hey Frasier do me a favour, look at my butt. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

ROZ 

Go on take a look. 

FRASIER 

I'll pass if you don't mind. 

MARTIN 

I'll take a look. 

FRASIER 

Dad! 

MARTIN 

Well she asked me to. What is it I'm looking for? 

ROZ STANDS IN FRONT OF MARTIN AS HE PUTS ON HIS GLASSES 

ROZ 

Can you see my underwear? 

MARTIN 

Well maybe if you stand nearer to the light and bend over slightly. 

FRASIER 

Dad! 

NILES 

Roz don't you think this is taking the vanity a little too far? 

ROZ 

This has nothing to do with vanity. Niles can you see my underwear? 

ROZ STANDS IN FRONT OF NILES AND BENDS OVER SLIGHTLY 

NILES 

Not at the moment I'm suddenly blinded by this eclipse. 

ROZ TURNS AND SLAPS HIM BEFORE TAKING UP HER POSITION IN FRONT OF HIM AGAIN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What's the big deal about seeing your underwear? Or is this a new crass party game you've invented? Because in which case we're all out of whipped cream and Frasier doesn't own a water bed. 

ROZ 

I bought a thong the other day at the mall. 

FRASIER 

Already I'm enchanted by this story. 

ROZ 

I put it on today and it felt like I had a piece of cheese wire strapped between my cheeks. 

NILES 

Classy. In a dim light you could almost pass for royalty. 

ROZ 

That's funny, in a dim light you could almost pass as a man. 

NILES 

Ditto. 

FRASIER 

Children, can we get back to the thong? 

ROZ 

Well it was painful, so I glued some cotton wool to it so that it wouldn't hurt so much. 

MARTIN 

Oh my God. 

ROZ 

It's not such a crazy idea. I no longer feel as if I'm going to be cut in half. It's comfortable. I just want to know if you can see it. 

NILES AND FRASIER GET VERY CLOSE AND INSPECT ROZ'S BEHIND AS DAPHNE ENTERS AND STUMBLES UPON THE SCENE 

DAPHNE 

What are you doing? 

NILES 

Trying to see Roz's underwear. She's wearing a thong. 

DAPHNE 

OK, have fun. When you're done can you set the table? 

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

I'll do it now Daphne. No I can't see it. 

ROZ 

Not such a dumb idea after all. 

NILES 

You should try to sell the idea. I'm sure it would be a best seller, right up there with woolly milk and solar panels on torches. 

FRASIER 

We could do with a bit of atmosphere in here. Niles would you mind getting me the candle from off the balcony? 

NILES EXITS OUT ONTO THE BALCONY AND PICKS UP THE CANDLE OFF THE TABLE. SOMETHING DISTRACTS HIM OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE. HE THEN WALKS TO THE EDGE OF THE BALCONY AND LOOKS OVER 

NILES 

What are you doing by my car? Get away from it. 

MARTIN 

A group of kids? 

NILES 

No a dog looking for a place to relieve himself. Get away. 

NILES LEANS OVER THE RAILING AND STARTS TO WAVE DOWN TO THE DOORMAN AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SEES HIM. THINKING THAT HE IS ONCE AGAIN TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF SHE SCREAMS 

DAPHNE 

Niles! 

NILES SHOCKED BY THE SUDDEN SCREAM, JUMPS AND TOSSES THE CANDLE INTO THE AIR. FOR A BRIEF MOMENT HE JUGGLES WITH THE CANDLE WHILE TRYING TO CATCH IT. EVENTUALLY HE IS UNSUCCESSFUL AND KNOCKS IT OVER THE BALCONY AND THEN STARES AFTER IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Niles don't jump. Why weren't you watching him? 

NILES 

Daphne I was getting a candle not trying to kill myself. If I were to kill myself I'd chose something quicker than waxing myself to death. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry, I over reacted. 

NILES 

Well I no longer have to worry about the dog. 

ROZ 

Why? 

NILES 

Because he's currently more concerned about the candle embedded in his forehead. 

AS NILES COMES BACK INSIDE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: 'HE SAID YUMMY NOISES NOT YACKING NOISES' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/3   
(Frasier, Connor, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Eddie, Gill) 

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL SIT AT THE DINNING TABLE EATING THE MEAL THAT CONNOR HAS PREPARED. EDDIE LIES AT NILES' FEET AS CONNOR HOVERS AROUND THEM LISTENING TO THEIR REACTIONS 

FRASIER 

That's really delicious. 

CONNOR 

You're not just saying that? 

NILES 

No it's cooked to perfection. 

CONNOR EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER, NILES, ROZ, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL TRY TO HIDE THEIR FOOD AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. NILES TRIES IN VAIN TO GET EDDIE TO EAT IT BUT HE WON'T TOUCH IT. OTHER BITS OF FOOD DISAPPEAR BEHIND PICTURES AND INTO PLANT POTS AND VASES 

MARTIN 

Even the soup is crunchy. 

FRASIER 

Shhhhh. 

NILES 

Would anyone else care to join me for an after dinner stomach pump? 

ROZ 

I never thought I'd say this but you're on. 

CONNOR ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AS THEY ALL START TO PRETEND TO EAT AND ENJOY THEIR DINNER 

CONNOR 

I must thank you Dr. Crane for the way you've helped me. You have no idea how much I appreciate your generosity. I've realised that killing myself is not the solution. 

FRASIER 

I'm glad to hear that. 

CONNOR 

Especially by jumping off a building. What a ridiculous idea. I mean I'm a chef for Lord's sake aren't I? There are thousands of ways to poison myself in a kitchen if you know what you're doing. 

NILES 

Really? 

CONNOR 

Oh yes. I mean just in your kitchen here, there are at least thirty different things that I could use to poison your food. 

EVERYONE SUDDENLY BECOMES VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WHILE CHEWING THEIR FOOD, EXCEPT CONNOR WHO DOESN'T EAT A THING. FRASIER SLOWLY TRIES TO TAKE A PIECE OF MEAT OUT OF HIS MOUTH AS MARTIN PUSHES HIS PLATE AWAY. NILES SLOWLY AND QUIETLY BEGINS TO GARGLE WITH A MOUTH FULL OF WINE 

DAPHNE 

I didn't know that. 

CONNOR 

Most of them you wouldn't even know were in your food until you were dead, then you'd know. What am I saying, you wouldn't know then either because you'd be dead. 

CONNOR EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS NILES SPITS OUT HIS MOUTHFUL OF WINE IN A VASE AND MARTIN STARTS TO CLEAN HIS TONGUE WITH HIS NAPKIN 

DAPHNE 

Suddenly that stomach pump idea doesn't seem such a drastic action. 

SFX: DOORBELL 

FRASIER WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND HIDES MOST OF HIS DINNER IN THE UMBRELLA STAND NEXT TO HIM 

FRASIER 

That'll be Gill. Is everyone ready? 

MARTIN 

No, but you'll answer the door anyway. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND GIL ENTERS AS CONNOR ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. CONNOR TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM AND SHOUTS 

CUT TO: 

(I) 

CUT TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/3   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Gill, Connor) 

GILL IS TIED TO ONE OF THE DINNING CHAIRS WITH CONNOR'S APRON. CONNOR STANDS THROWING ANYTHING THAT HE CAN LAY HIS HANDS ON FROM THE KITCHEN AT FRASIER, WHO HIDES BEHIND THE COUCH WITH NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN 

FRASIER 

Why are you so angry with me for? He's the one who trashed you with his review. I've been trying to help you. 

CONNOR THROWS A FORK THAT STICKS INTO THE SIDE OF THE COUCH. FRASIER LIFTS HIS HEAD TO SEE WHAT THE DAMAGE IS. 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Now just you be careful, this is a replica of the one… 

CONNOR THROWS A DINNER KNIFE OFF THE TABLE AT FRASIER WHICH CAUSES HIM ONCE AGAIN TO HIDE BEHIND THE COUCH WITH EVERYONE ELSE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I'll be quiet now. 

ROZ 

Remind me to come around here for dinner more often, because I don't end up in nearly enough hostage situations. 

FRASIER 

Right we need a plan. 

NILES 

We'll sneak up around the sides of him and grab him. 

MARTIN 

You've really thought long and hard about this haven't you? 

NILES 

All right then former Policeman who had to retire because he got shot, what do you suggest? 

MARTIN 

Always use birth control to avoid smart ass kids. We wear him down. We keep him talking and eventually he'll crack. 

ROZ 

We can't do that. 

DAPHNE 

Why not? 

ROZ 

Because I really need to use the bathroom. 

NILES 

It's all me, me, me with you isn't it Roz? 

GIL TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING BUT CAN ONLY MUMBLE DUE TO THE GAG 

FRASIER 

What did he just say? 

GIL TRIES TO REPEAT IT, BUT IT IS STILL NOT UNDERSTANDABLE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What are you trying to say Gill? 

CONNOR PULLS THE GAG OUT OF GILLS MOUTH SO THAT HE CAN SPEAK 

GIL 

He can hear you, you know. 

NILES 

How do you know? 

GIL 

Because I can hear you and he's standing two feet away from me. 

ROZ 

Hey Connor, if I were to go to the bathroom, would you try to impale me with a ladle? 

CONNOR 

Of course not Roz, you've done nothing to offend me. And besides I don't think that I could throw a ladle that hard that it would actually impale someone. A spoon maybe. 

ROZ 

Great. 

ROZ GETS UP AND RUSHES INTO THE BATHROOM AND EXITS 

FRASIER 

Right let's do this. 

MARTIN 

Connor, you know what I can't work out. 

CONNOR 

What's that Mr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

Niles you go right and I'll go left. 

MARTIN 

Why you care what these pretentious snobs think about you anyway. In the great scheme of things they don't matter. 

NILES 

Why do I have to go right? 

MARTIN 

You'll reach a point in your life when you'll realise that none of this stuff matters. That these people don't matter, they're completely insignificant. 

FRASIER 

Because I'm going left. 

NILES 

Well let me go left. 

MARTIN 

They matter to me because two of them happen to be my sons. Some people seem to take pride in riding others down. And the best way to combat that is to show them that they don't matter. 

FRASIER 

Why can't you go right? 

NILES 

Because there is absolutely no cover. 

FRASIER 

What do you mean? 

NILES 

You have the book case to hide behind. The only thing that is preventing me from coming out of this situation with a fork stuck in my forehead is the false hope that Connor is a bad aim. 

DAPHNE 

In case you don't get out of this alive. I love you. 

DAPHNE GRABS NILES AND KISSES HIM 

MARTIN 

The only thing that matter is how you feel about yourself. So what if this one set of doors down your corridor are closed. There's an another corridor of open doors just waiting for you. 

CONNOR BEGINS TO REALISE THAT WHAT MARTIN IS SAYING ACTUALLY MAKES A LOT OF SENSE AND STOPS THROWING THINGS AROUND THE ROOM 

FRASIER 

Niles are you ready? Niles! Niles! 

FRASIER SEES THAT NILES IS STILL LIP TO LIP WITH DAPHNE AND BEGINS TO TAP NILES' HEAD TO GET HIS ATTENTION 

MARTIN 

You can still have a life after a door closes in your face. I should know. A bullet closed my door. 

FRASIER GIVES UP AS NILES IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO HELP HIM AND FOCUSES ON WHAT TO DO NEXT 

FRASIER 

Fine I'll just do this on my own. And just for the record when this is over Niles I'm taking you to get fixed. 

EDDIE BARKS AND GROWLS AT FRASIER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Not you, Niles. I don't think they have the time to sow yours back on and then remove them again. 

MARTIN 

It didn't end my life. Just altered my corridor and I'm a better person for it. It's the knocks we take in life that make us who we are. How we handle them shapes our future. 

FRASIER 

Left or right? 

MARTIN 

Your corridor has changed, can you change with it? 

CONNOR AT THIS UNTIES GIL AND WALKS AROUND TO THE BACK OF THE COUCH. AT FIRST HE GOES UNNOTICED BY MARTIN AND FRASIER, WHEN THEY EVENTUALLY SEE HIM THEY BOTH JUMP WITH SURPRISE. 

CONNOR 

Someone help me. 

CONNOR BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS AND HELPS MARTIN UP OFF THE FLOOR. MARTIN THEN GESTURES FOR HIM TO SIT ON THE COUCH AND KEEPS A VERY WATCHFUL EYE ON HIM AS FRASIER STARES AFTER MARTIN IN AMAZEMENT AS MARTIN PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 911 

MARTIN 

Hello, who's this? Oh hi Marge, Marty Crane. Can I speak to Carl please? Thanks. 

FRASIER 

Dad, where did you learn to talk like that? 

MARTIN 

Well over the last couple of years... 

FRASIER 

You've picked it up off me? Dad I'm so flattered. 

MARTIN 

No I've been storing it up. I did this hundreds of times on the force. 

FRASIER 

What? 

MARTIN 

Just because I've retired doesn't mean my brain retired with it. 

ROZ EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM LOOKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND EXTREMELY FLUSTERED 

ROZ 

Oh my God. Is it over? 

MARTIN 

Yes, it's all over. 

ROZ 

Good because I'm having a small crisis. 

MARTIN 

What's the matter? 

ROZ 

You know I glued the cotton wool to the thong? 

FRASIER 

Yes. 

ROZ 

Well I also glued the thong to my ass. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

GIL 

Well quick use some nail varnish remover. Maybe we can get it off. 

ROZ 

We? Wait a minute there is no way you are getting near my thong. 

GIL 

Believe me no one is more relieved than I. 

FRASIER 

Daphne will have some you can use. Daphne. Daphne. Daphne! For God's sake you two. 

EVERYONE NOTICES THAT NILES AND DAPHNE ARE STILL KISSING BEHIND THE COUCH AND ARE COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED. THEY BREAK AND LOOK A LITTLE CONFUSED AT THE FACES STARING BACK AT THEM 

NILES 

What? 

FRASIER 

You should write a book, how to defuse a violent situation with sex. 

ROZ 

Hey that's always worked for me. 

CONNOR 

I'll never work again. 

DAPHNE 

That's not true. Before you know it you'll have nothing else to do but work in a kitchen cooking for hundreds of hungry souls. You'll be so popular they'll want to lock you up in there. 

CONNOR 

How do you know? 

DAPHNE 

I'm psychic. 

ROZ 

You know this is all very nice, but can I just remind everyone. Glue, thong, ass! 

ROZ GRABS DAPHNE'S HAND AND DRAGS HER TO HER ROOM AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(J) 

FADE IN: 

INT. KITCHEN – DAY – DAY/4   
(Frasier, Connor) 

FRASIER AND CONNOR STAND IN A VERY LARGE KITCHEN WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE BUZZING AROUND PREPARING A MEAL FOR WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN EXTREMELY LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE 

FRASIER 

How are you settling in? 

CONNOR 

Oh just fine Dr. Crane. Although I don't have free range I get to choose most items on the menu. Things are looking up. 

FRASIER 

I'm glad to hear that. 

CONNOR 

Thankyou for all your help Dr. Crane. 

THEY SHAKE HANDS 

FRASIER 

You're most very welcome. Bye. 

FRASIER GOES TO LEAVE 

CONNOR 

Bye Dr. Crane. Oh before you go. It looks as if Miss. Moon was right. Everything she said that would happen has happened. 

FRASIER 

Oh I think we could all see this coming. 

FRASIER EXITS FROM THE KITCHEN AND AS THE DOOR SHUTS BEHIND HIM THE SIGN ON THE DOOR READS 'SANATORIUM KITCHEN' AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES IS IN THE KITCHEN AT THE MONTANA MAKING A PIECE OF TOAST. THE HANDLE POPS UP BUT THE TOAST DOESN'T COME OUT BECAUSE IT'S STUCK. HE SWITCHES THE TOASTER OFF AT THE WALL AND THEN GETS A WOODEN SPOON AND TRIES TO FISH THE PIECE OF TOAST OUT. DAPHNE THEN ENTERS AND SEES HIM WITH SOMETHING STUCK IN THE TOASTER. SHE ONCE AGAIN SHOUTS AS SHE THINKS HE IS TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF AND MAKES HIM JUMP. NILES TURNS AND SHOWS HER THAT IT'S A WOODEN SPOON. SHE BREATHES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF, APOLOGISES AND EXITS. 


	16. Episode Sixteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Feedback? What on earth is that? If you know, please tell me about it at kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Once again I'm being too damn subtle! _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Sixteen   
Putting on the Ritz 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'AN EXACT REPLICA MINUS THE SLOT MACHINES' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1   
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Eddie) 

EDDIE STANDS ON THE DINNING TABLE WITH AN ICE CREAM TUB STUCK ON HIS HEAD AS MARTIN TRIES TO HOLD HIM STILL 

MARTIN 

Daph, will you hurry up, he can barely breathe in this thing. 

ENTER DAPHNE WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

It'll teach him not to do it again if he suffocates. 

MARTIN 

Once again you're missing the point, if he suffocates he won't be able to do it again. 

DAPHNE 

My point exactly. 

MARTIN 

What? Just punch a couple of air holes in there won't you. 

DAPHNE GOES TO PUNCH A HOLE NEAR THE TOP OF THE TUB 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Not there, be careful of his eyes. 

DAPHNE TRIES TO PUNCH A HOLE TOWARDS THE END OF THE TUB 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Or there that's his nose. 

SHE THEN TRIES TO MAKE A HOLE UNDERNEATH THE TUB 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Well fine go ahead if you want to puncture his throat, I'm sure that would make him breathe a hell of a lot easier. 

DAPHNE 

How about I puncture your back with them? 

MARTIN 

How would that help? 

DAPHNE 

It would sure make me breathe easier. 

DAPHNE STABS THE TUB AT THE BOTTOM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

There are you happy now? You grab the tub, I'll get hold of his legs and let's pull. 

THEY BOTH PULL IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS BUT THE ICE CREAM TUB DOESN'T MOVE AN INCH, INSTEAD IT JUST MAKES EDDIE START TO WHINE 

MARTIN 

This isn't working. I still say we should cover his neck in butter. 

DAPHNE 

No chance. 

MARTIN 

I'll take the full wrath of Frasier if it goes everywhere. 

DAPHNE 

Then we've got a deal. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AND RE-ENTERS WITH A PACK OF BUTTER THAT THEY BOTH START TO SPREAD AROUND EDDIE'S NECK AND THE ICE CREAM TUB. ENTER NILES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

I was going to suggest that we go out for a celebratory dinner but now I've seen a buttered up, ice cream covered dog, who needs five star cuisine? 

NILES HANGS UP HIS COAT AND THEN KISSES DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Will you give us a hand, we can't get it off. 

NILES 

Sure, just a second. 

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Where's Frasier? 

NILES 

(FROM KITCHEN) Oh he's down stairs complaining to the doorman. Another one of those boys selling candy bars managed to talk his way into the building again. 

MARTIN 

The little boy who was raising money for his kidney transplant? 

NILES 

(FROM KITCHEN) Well I'm sure Frasier gave him a dollar before having him thrown out of the building. 

NILES ENTERS WEARING A PAIR OF MARIGOLDS AND AN APRON 

MARTIN 

For God's sake Niles it's just a dog covered in a bit of butter! 

NILES 

Yes and this is just a thousand dollar Armani suit. 

NILES AND DAPHNE THEN GET HOLD OF EDDIE'S BODY AND MARTIN GRABS HOLD OF THE ICE-CREAM TUB AGAIN AS THEY ONCE AGAIN TRY TO PULL IT OFF AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

Oh don't fight over the little rat. Here let me cut him in to thirds and then you can all have a piece. 

THE TUB EVENTUALLY COMES OFF AND EDDIE IS FREE BUT STILL COVERED IN BUTTER. HE JUMPS OFF THE TABLE AND ONTO THE COUCH WHERE HE STARTS TO ROLL AROUND TO GET HIMSELF CLEAN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What have you been doing with the butter? 

MARTIN 

We put it on Eddie. 

FRASIER 

The Eddie who is now rolling on my couch? 

MARTIN 

That's the one. 

FRASIER 

Well get him off there. Quick Daphne run him through the dishwasher. 

MARTIN GLARES AT FRASIER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What? I said dishwasher, I could have said garbage disposal. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AND THEN RE-ENTERS WITH A CLOTH 

MARTIN 

Leave him alone he's just a dog. 

FRASIER 

Really? I always thought he was the rather hairy, ugly baby sister I always wanted. My God Dad, what's wrong with you? Couldn't you have covered him in honey? 

DAPHNE HANDS MARTIN THE CLOTH AND HE STARTS TO WIPE THE BUTTER OFF EDDIE 

DAPHNE 

I love it when we play happy families. It's days like this when I remember why I took this job. 

NILES 

So you could seduce the boss's brother? 

DAPHNE 

Not at first, although if I'd have seen you in a pair of marigolds a few years ago things may have been different. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

FRASIER 

Don't you two have a room you could use? 

NILES TAKES OFF THE APRON AND THE RUBBER GLOVES AS FRASIER POURS THEM BOTH A SHERRY 

DAPHNE 

Anyway what's all this about a celebratory dinner? 

NILES 

We have good news. We bought it. 

MARTIN 

Bought what? 

FRASIER 

The hotel, we bought it. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God. 

NILES 

What's the matter? 

DAPHNE 

Have you ever considered seeing a therapist? 

NILES 

Just a physical therapist. 

MARTIN 

You'll never learn will you? 

FRASIER 

And just what does that mean? 

DAPHNE 

You can't even organise a booze up in the wine club without an argument, name calling, hair pulling and a four alarm fire. 

FRASIER 

Are you saying we are incompetent and incapable of doing this? 

DAPHNE 

Alone you'd both be fine, it would be a great success, but together. 

MARTIN 

We might as well call the fire service and the morgue now, get them on standby. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou both so much for your support. Am I to take it that neither of you will be there for the opening? Since we are both so incapable of doing this. 

DAPHNE 

Of course we will. 

MARTIN 

Just so we can be there to say we told you so. 

DAPHNE 

Which one did you buy in the end? 

NILES 

Bellagio's. 

MARTIN 

Oh like the one in Vegas. 

FRASIER 

No Dad, not like the one in Vegas. 

DAPHNE 

Hasn't that place got a rat problem? 

NILES 

Had, had a rat problem. Past tense. 

MARTIN 

Well that makes it a whole lot better. What are the chances that they'd come back and breed? 

MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AND EXITS TO HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

Niles I've just had an idea. 

NILES 

Stuff Dad down the garbage shoot? 

FRASIER 

No, we could have our grand re-opening to coincide with the Seattle Psychiatric Convention. 

NILES 

What a fabulous idea, we could talk to the head of the board, Dr. Mackinnion, and try to host it in one of our ballrooms. 

FRASIER 

Excellent. To Bellagio's. 

FRASIER AND NILES CLINK THEIR GLASSES AS DAPHNE SHAKES HER HEAD AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'IT WAS PROBABLY A SNIPER IN THE BUSHES' 

FADE IN: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S LOBBY — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Alan, Daphne, Arthur, Roz, Pete, Dr. Frost, Mrs. Frost, Mr. Lindsay, Lilith, Martin, Dr. Mackinnion) 

THE LOBBY HAS A SET OF DOUBLE DOORS TO THE LEFT ON THE BACK WALL. ON THE LEFT IS THE COAT CHECK AND THE STAIRS LEADING UP WITH A CUPBOARD SANDWICH IN BETWEEN. ON THE RIGHT IS A DOORWAY THAT LEADS TO THE REST OF THE HOTEL. IN THE FRONT CENTRE IS THE RECEPTION DESK AND TO THE LEFT OF THAT IS A DOORWAY THAT LEADS TO THE BASEMENT. FRASIER, NILES AND ALAN, THE CONCIERGE, STAND BEHIND THE DESK. ALL THREE ARE WEARING TUXEDOS. 

SFX: CONTINUAL HISSING NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND

NILES 

What is that noise? 

FRASIER 

I don't know, it must be someone using the bathroom above us. Is there anyone else left to come? 

ALAN LOOKS AT HIS LIST 

ALAN 

We are awaiting about a dozen people who aren't registered here, but only one that is staying here over night. 

NILES 

And who is that? 

ALAN 

A Dr. Charles Mackinnion Sir. 

FRASIER 

Ooh Dr. Mackinnion, head of the board. I read his new book not so long ago on the effects of being a sexual obsessive in a small place. 

NILES 

What was his conclusion? That it was limiting? It's almost like a hissing noise. Do you know what that is? 

ALAN 

I don't hear anything Sir, now would you both mind moving around to the front of the desk, as I have some work to attend to. 

FRASIER AND NILES MOVE TOWARDS THE FRONT ENTRANCE 

FRASIER 

But of course. (WHISPERING) Who does he think he is? 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) Anyone would think that he owned this place. 

FRASIER 

(WHISPERING) Well to be fair he did until he was declared legally bankrupt. 

ALAN 

That was after I tried to burn it to the ground. 

NILES 

(WHISPERING) How is it that he can hear that but not that hissing noise? 

ALAN 

Selective hearing. 

FRASIER 

Alan, what's all this white powder scattered about the floor? 

ALAN 

Rat poison Sir. 

NILES 

What? I thought the rat problem had been eradicated. 

ALAN 

It has Sir. 

FRASIER 

Then why is there still rat poison on the floor? 

ALAN 

That is due to a second rate cleaning service. As you'll notice there are still quite a few kinks to be ironed out before this place is running smoothly. 

DAPHNE ENTERS WEARING A BALL GOWN 

NILES 

Daphne darling. 

HE KISSES HER 

DAPHNE 

I think I'm going to be sick. 

NILES 

That's not exactly the response I was hoping for. 

DAPHNE 

There's a dead dog on the steps. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

DAPHNE 

A dead dog on the steps. 

NILES 

Well what's it doing there? 

DAPHNE 

Not a lot it's dead. 

FRASIER 

How did it get there? 

DAPHNE 

I don't know, I've just seen the body not the reconstruction on America's Most Wanted. 

FRASIER 

Well we've got to move it, we can't host a psychiatric convention with a dead dog on display in the lobby. People will think it's some sort of grizzly Mafia calling card. 

NILES 

If that were true I suspect it would be Eddie on the steps not some stray. 

FRASIER 

One can only dream. Alan, can you move it? Alan. Alan! 

ALAN IGNORES HIM 

NILES 

(TO DAPHNE) Selective hearing. 

ALAN 

And it's a lifesaver. 

DAPHNE 

Why can't you two move it? 

FRASIER 

Frasier Crane, don't believe we've met. 

DAPHNE 

You've got two options, you either move it or let everyone see it. 

NILES 

Do you think people will mistake it for a rug? 

FRASIER 

Only if we've got something to flatten it out. I don't think a rolling pin would do it some how and I left my keys to the steamroller in my other pants. 

NILES AND FRASIER EXIT OUT ONTO THE STEPS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(OFFSTAGE) On the count of three lift it. 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) Wait, I don't want this end. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Why? 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) Because it's the sharp end with the teeth. 

DAPHNE 

It's dead. 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) It might just be toying with me. 

DAPHNE 

I'll toy with you in a moment. 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) Is that a coy euphemism for something else? 

DAPHNE 

Yes, to get a move on. 

DR. BERRY ENTERS FROM THE STAIRS AND TRIES TO EXIT OUT THE FRONT DOOR BEFORE DAPHNE STOPS HIM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I'm sorry you can't go out this way. 

DR. BERRY 

Why not young lady? 

DAPHNE 

Dead dog. 

DR. BERRY 

Oh, we saw a lot of those in Korea you know. 

DAPHNE 

Really? How disturbing. 

DR. BERRY 

Shot was he? 

DAPHNE 

No he just died. 

DR. BERRY 

Probably caught him off guard. 

DR. BERRY EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR TO THE RIGHT OF THE LOBBY 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Oh God, its tongue is lolling out of its mouth. 

NILES 

(OFFSTAGE) It's licking my kneecap! 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) I see car headlights. Quick Niles throw it into the bushes. 

WE HEAR A THUD FOLLOWED BY A WOMAN SCREAMING AS NILES AND FRASIER RUN BACK INTO THE LOBBY. ENTER ROZ LOOKING RATHER UNTIDY 

ROZ 

Oh my God, someone just threw a dog at me. 

FRASIER 

That was us. 

ROZ 

It hit me on the head. 

NILES 

But we threw it into the bushes. 

ROZ 

So? 

NILES 

What were you doing in the bushes? 

ENTER PETE (ROZ'S DINNER COMPANION) COVERED IN GRASS STAINS 

PETE 

It's all right Roz I parked the car. 

FRASIER 

You didn't have to Pete we have valet. 

PETE 

Oh really I didn't know that. 

DAPHNE 

But you've got the valet ticket in your hand. 

NILES 

I should have phrased that who you were doing, rather than what. 

ROZ 

That's very amusing. This meal had better be on the house tonight after you threw a dead dog at me and forced me to come to this thing. There is only so much a woman can take. 

NILES 

Yes, but you haven't found your limit yet have you Roz? 

ROZ LUNGES TOWARDS NILES 

ROZ 

Come here. 

FRASIER 

The coat check is over here. 

ROZ AND PETE CHECK THEIR COATS AND THEN EXIT THROUGH THE DOOR ON THE RIGHT 

DAPHNE 

I'm surprised you've dared to touch upon food service again after what happened with the 'Happy Brothers'. 

FRASIER 

It's not a problem, we just don't go in there. We don't want to repeat the incident. 

ALAN 

Which is why the kitchen has been nicknamed 'the sanctuary' by all the staff. 

DAPHNE 

What is that noise? 

NILES 

I think it must be the plumbing. 

DAPHNE 

It's coming from in here. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE BASEMENT DOOR AND EXITS FOLLOWED BY NILES AND FRASIER

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S BASEMENT — CONTINUOUS

THE BASEMENT IS COMPLETELY FLOODED AS THE WATER RISES BY THE MINUTE. A BURST PIPE STRETCHES OUT FROM THE LEFT HAND WALL AND INTO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM, OUT OF REACH. NILES, FRASIER AND DAPHNE STAND AT THE TOP OF THE STEPS LOOKING DOWN ON THE SCENE IN HORROR 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

That's a novel idea, putting a swimming pool in the basement. What else are you going to do? Put the toilets behind people's headboards? Install the coffee machines in the shower? 

FRASIER 

Enough of your sarcasm. What do we do? 

DAPHNE 

Well the obvious choice would be to call a plumber, so I'll say let's try and turn the water into wine. 

ENTER ALAN

NILES 

Alan see if you can find the valve to turn it off. 

AS ALAN EXITS DAPHNE GIVES NILES A DISAPPOINTED LOOK 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What? I don't even know what it looks like let alone where to find it. 

ENTER ALAN

ALAN 

Excuse me Sir, but some more of your guests have arrived. 

NILES 

Quick shut the door. 

FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR, LEAVING THEM ALL IN THE DARKNESS OF THE BASEMENT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Let's go outside first, then shut it. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND THEY ALL EXIT

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

DR. FROST, MRS. FROST AND DR. LINDSAY WAIT IN THE LOBBY AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND ALAN ENTER FROM THE BASEMENT. ALAN IMMEDIATELY EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR IN SEARCH OF THE VALVE. 

FRASIER 

Hello there I am Dr. Frasier Crane, this is my brother Dr. Niles Crane and his girlfriend Daphne Moon. 

DR. FROST 

Dr. Robert Frost, and this is my wife Jane. This is Dr. Michael Lindsay and where's she gone? 

DR. FROST LOOKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

How do you do? 

DR. FROST 

Ah here she is, Dr. Lilith Sternin. 

ENTER LILITH

DAPHNE 

Oh you have got to be kidding. 

LILITH 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

Lilith! 

LILITH 

Niles. 

NILES 

Oh my God Lilith. 

LILITH 

Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Lilith. 

DR. FROST 

Do you four know each other? 

DAPHNE 

Some of us a little better than we should. 

FRASIER 

Dr. Sternin is my ex-wife. 

LILITH 

Oh come now Frasier, we have a teenage son and we're divorced now, surely you can finally call me Lilith. 

DR. FROST 

Well this could certainly be an awkward situation, fortunately if it is I have my video recorder to document it all. 

FRASIER 

So Lilith how have you been? 

LILITH 

Ah sharing pleasantries, the text book way to dissolve an awkward moment. A clear indication of the study of a DJ's A to Z of the psychiatric practice. 

FRASIER 

Where's Freddie? 

DR. FROST 

Husband? 

LILITH 

Son. He's at home, I didn't want to take him out of school in the middle of a sermesta. 

FRASIER 

So what are you doing here? 

LILITH 

The Seattle Psychiatric Convention. Does your presence indicate that there is also some sort of disc jockey convention in the next room? 

FRASIER 

No, I'm also here for the psychiatric convention. 

NILES 

We happen to own the hotel. 

LILITH 

Oh Niles, you've finally given up legitimate practice and moved towards your true calling, a desk clerk. 

NILES 

At least… 

DAPHNE GRABS NILES AND KISSES HIM TO PREVENT HIM FROM SAYING ANYTHING THAT HE'LL LATER REGRET 

FRASIER 

Oh yes did you know that Niles and Daphne are finally dating? 

LILITH 

Yes, Fredrick had made me aware that you two were fornicating. 

DAPHNE 

Listen here… 

NILES RETURNS THE FAVOUR AND KISSES DAPHNE TO PREVENT HER FROM SAYING SOMETHING THAT SHE'LL LATER REGRET 

A BEAT 

FRASIER 

Well this is nice. 

ENTER MARTIN, WHO TAKES ONE LOOK AT LILITH AND SHOUTS 

MARTIN 

Ahhhhh. 

FRASIER HAS TO PRACTICALLY DRAG MARTIN INSIDE 

FRASIER 

Dad, Dad come in. Look Lilith is here. Isn't it wonderful? 

DAPHNE 

(SOTTO TO NILES) We should have known something was up when we found that dead dog. God can't give you a clearer warning that all is not right with the world. 

LILITH 

Martin, when did you develop Tourette's syndrome? 

MARTIN 

Right after the wedding vows. 

FRASIER 

(TO THE DOCTORS WHO ARE THOROUGHLY ENJOYING THE AWKWARDNESS ON DISPLAY) This is my father Martin Crane. Now Dad say hello to Lilith. 

MARTIN 

Hello Lilith I don't think I've ever seen you so tanned. 

LILITH 

Martin, I don't think I've ever seen you look so scared. Not even when you were shot. 

FRASIER 

Now isn't this nice? 

DR. FROST 

Well as much as I really want to watch this, I think I'd like a drink. 

NILES 

The bar is just to the right in the ballroom. 

LILITH 

I think I'll join you. I'll see you later boys. 

DR. FROST, MRS. FROST, DR. LINDSAY AND LILITH ALL EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR 

MARTIN 

Why did you make me come if you knew she was coming? 

FRASIER 

I didn't know. And I don't know why you are so concerned. 

DAPHNE 

He has every right to be, he is after all the only Crane boy left that she hasn't slept with. She's probably got her sights set on her latest conquest. 

MARTIN 

What does that mean? Why am I the only one? 

FRASIER 

Oh that's right we never told you. 

NILES 

And we're not going to now. 

MARTIN 

Tell me what? 

DAPHNE 

Oh Niles slept with Lilith. 

MARTIN 

You did what? Why? 

DAPHNE 

My guess would be because he was horny and lonely. 

MARTIN 

Oh my God Niles! 

NILES 

I was extremely liquored up. I was one Tequila shot away from shaving my head and gluing the hair to my rear end. 

MARTIN 

Even so, Niles! 

FRASIER 

Will you take that tone out of your voice, she was my wife after all. 

MARTIN 

And it still sends shivers down my spine. I need a beer. 

MARTIN EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR AS ALAN ENTERS

NILES 

Did you turn it off? 

ALAN 

Couldn't manage it. 

FRASIER 

Well where's the valve? 

ALAN 

In my hand. 

ALAN HANDS FRASIER THE BROKEN VALVE 

FRASIER 

Then quick call a plumber. 

AS ALAN PICKS UP THE PHONE, FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE BASEMENT 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S BASEMENT — CONTINUOUS

THE WATER HAS RISEN QUITE SIGNIFICANTLY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh no, it's rising. Can't we start to empty it with some pots and pans? 

NILES 

Are you sure you wouldn't rather use teaspoons? 

FRASIER 

Well what else do you suggest? Basements these days don't often come equipped with a plug hole in the bottom in case of emergencies. 

DAPHNE 

Isn't there someway we could block the pipe? 

FRASIER 

But how would we get over there? The next Gondola won't be by for another twenty minutes. 

DAPHNE 

You can swim can't you? 

FRASIER 

You expect me to swim across a basement filled with dirty water in my tuxedo before going into a ballroom filled with a hundred liquored up psychiatrists all expecting to come here for a weekend of serious, intellectual, mind provoking, stimulating lectures? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

NILES 

What are you waiting for? 

FRASIER 

Hell to freeze over maybe. 

NILES 

Well we've got to do something. 

A RAT RUNS ALONG ONE OF THE STEPS YET TO BE COVERED IN WATER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God that's a rat. 

NILES HIDES BEHIND DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Oh my hero. 

FRASIER 

I thought Alan said we didn't have a rat problem. 

NILES 

He's also the man who tried to burn this place to the ground and then told the Police it was the result of spontaneous combustion. I don't think honesty is his forte. 

DAPHNE 

Oh bloody hell, it's one rat, not an infestation. Just pick it up and take it outside. 

FRASIER 

I hear all of these ideas coming from you but I never see you putting any of them into action. 

ENTER ALAN

ALAN 

Dr. Crane, Dr. Mackinnion has just arrived. 

EXIT ALAN

FRASIER 

Oh my God, Dr. Mackinnion. Niles, you deal with the rat and the leak and I'll deal with Dr. Mackinnion. 

NILES 

Why can't I deal with Dr. Mackinnion? 

FRASIER 

Because I said it first. 

FRASIER EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

DR. MACKINNION (WHO IS A RATHER ELDERLY GENTLEMAN), STANDS IN THE LOBBY WITH SEVERAL BAGS AS ALAN POTTERS AROUND BEHIND THE DESK. ENTER FRASIER

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Dr. Mackinnion, it's a real pleasure once again. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Crane, how are you? My God, look at this place, it's even worse than last year. Wasn't there a bridge that they could hold it under? 

FRASIER 

I happen to own this hotel. 

DR. MACKINNION 

I'm familiar with your show so it comes as a complete lack of surprise. 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S BASEMENT — CONTINUOUS

NILES LIES ACROSS ONE OF THE STEPS TRYING TO REACH THE PIPE. DAPHNE HOLDS HIS FEET AS HE STRETCHES OUT ACROSS THE WATER 

NILES 

Hold my feet and I'll clog it with my handkerchief. 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure a piece of tissue paper or a cotton wool bud wouldn't be more absorbent? 

NILES 

Point taken. I'll use this cloth. Just hold my feet. I've almost got it. Just a little further. 

THE RAT REAPPEARS ON THE SAME STEP NILES IS LYING ACROSS 

DAPHNE 

Niles don't move the rats back. 

NILES 

What? Ahhhh. 

NILES JUMPS AS THE RAT COMES CLOSER, WHICH MAKES HIM LOOSE HIS BALANCE AND SENDS HIM HEAD FIRST INTO THE WATER 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

DR. MACKINNION 

What was that splash? 

FRASIER 

Just someone diving into the swimming pool. 

ALAN 

We don't have a swimming pool. 

FRASIER 

Yes thankyou Alan. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Can you take my things to my room? I'm sharing with Dr. Arthur Berry. 

FRASIER 

Of course, I'll get someone to take care of it. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Oh Crane, take this as well. 

DR. MACKINNION HANDS FRASIER HIS COAT BUT BEFORE HE TAKES IT HE NOTICES A RAT OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE HEADING BEHIND THE DESK. HE STAMPS HIS FEET AND DIVES TOWARDS IT 

DR. MACKINNION (CONT'D) 

What in God's name are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Just a touch of cramp. Alan would you please check the Doctor's coat? Everyone else is conjugated in the ballroom at the bar, just to your right. 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S BASEMENT — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS AS DAPHNE TRIES TO HELP NILES OUT OF THE WATER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What the hell was that splash? Oh Niles this is no time to go swimming. 

NILES 

I am aware of that. This water is so warm I can practically feel the bacteria multiplying around me. I'm going to come out of this experience with three types of malaria. 

FRASIER 

Because you find a lot of that in the Seattle sewer network. Well while you're in there, clog that pipe. 

NILES 

With what? 

FRASIER 

I don't know. Use your fist, use a rat, just do it, I have to go to the dinner. 

NILES 

What about me? 

FRASIER 

We can't both not go and since you're hardly dressed for the occasion, I think it means I get to go to the ball and you're left to clean the mansion. A sort of Cinderella experience. 

DAPHNE 

But that had mice not rats. 

FRASIER 

I think we can really do without your input at this juncture. 

ENTER ROZ

ROZ 

Frasier, I don't want to worry you, Niles what are you doing? 

NILES 

Having a picnic in the middle of Mardi Gras. 

ROZ 

Anyway I think I just saw a big mouse in the ballroom. 

FRASIER 

How big? 

ROZ 

The size of a very small dog, or a very large rat. 

FRASIER 

So in other words it could have been a rat? 

ROZ 

That's what the smart money's on. 

DAPHNE 

The temptation to say I told you is so overwhelming. But I'll save it for later. 

AS FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S BASEMENT — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Niles, Daphne) 

NILES STANDS IN THE WATER, WHICH IS NOW ALMOST UP TO HIS SHOULDERS AS DAPHNE REACHES UP ON TO A SHELF NEXT TO THE STAIRS 

NILES 

Pass me that roll of paper. Thankyou. 

NILES STARTS TO STUFF THE PIPE WITH PAPER, WHICH TURNS THE FLOW INTO A TRICKLE COMING OUT OF IT 

DAPHNE 

You're going to have to stuff more than that in. Use this as well. 

NILES STANDS BACK AND ADMIRES HIS WORK AS THE LEAK STOPS 

NILES 

And I think we've cracked it. 

THE FLOW OF THE WATER THEN PUSHES ALL OF THE PAPER AND CLOTH OUT OF THE PIPE AND HITS NILES STRAIGHT IN THE FACE, AS THE LEAK CONTINUES 

DAPHNE 

Then again maybe not. 

AS NILE STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S MAIN BALLROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Frasier, Pete, Martin, Roz, Lilith, Mrs. Frost, Dr. Frost) 

THE BALLROOM HAS A BAR TO THE LEFT WITH A DOOR LEADING BACK TO THE LOBBY. TO THE RIGHT IS A DOOR TO THE KITCHEN AND A SWING BAND, PLAYING QUIETLY THROUGHOUT DINNER. A LARGE DINNING TABLE STRETCHES ACROSS MOST OF THE ROOM. ALL THE DOCTORS MINGLE AROUND, AS FRASIER, ROZ, MARTIN AND PETE LOOK AROUND NERVOUSLY. 

FRASIER 

OK keep your eyes open, but don't let anyone else catch on especially Lilith. She'd just love to rub my nose in this. 

PETE 

Which one is Lilith? 

MARTIN 

You see that woman who looks as if she needs a blood transfusion? 

PETE 

Yes. 

MARTIN 

That's her. 

FRASIER 

OK spread out, but stick together. 

ROZ 

That shouldn't be too hard. 

ROZ, PETE AND MARTIN SPREAD OUT ABOUT THE ROOM AS FRASIER MOVES TOWARDS LILITH 

FRASIER 

Lilith, may I say that outfit is extremely flattering on you. 

LILITH 

Frasier what's wrong? 

FRASIER 

Nothing. 

LILITH 

Frasier, you compliment me for no reason whatsoever, that either means you want a favour or you want to sleep with me. 

ROZ STAMPS HER FOOT AND THEN JUMPS ON THE FLOOR BEHIND THE BAR 

FRASIER 

She's training to be on the softball team. 

LILITH 

Frasier please tell me what's wrong, maybe I can help. 

FRASIER 

What makes you think something is wrong? 

THE KITCHEN DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND THE MAJORITY OF THE KITCHEN STAFF CAN BE SEEN RUNNING AROUND WITH BROOMS TRYING TO GET THE RATS AS OTHERS STAND ON TOP OF THE COUNTERS IN FEAR. FRASIER SEEING THIS, IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO THE DOOR AND LEANS UP IT TO PREVENT ANYONE FROM GOING INSIDE 

LILITH 

Have you called an exterminator? 

FRASIER 

Why would I do a thing like that? 

LILITH 

Because I've just seen a rat run into Dr. Frost's wife's purse. 

FRASIER 

What? Guard the door. 

LILITH PEAKS INSIDE THE DOOR TO SEE WHAT SHE IS HIDING AND THEN SMILES TO HERSELF AS FRASIER WALKS OVER TO MARTIN 

LILITH 

I'm going to have some fun with this later. 

FRASIER 

Dad, come here. There's one in Mrs. Frost's purse. Show her your badge and ask to search it. 

MARTIN 

I don't have my badge. 

FRASIER 

Show them your video store membership, they won't know the difference. 

MARTIN 

The things I do for my sons. Excuse me Ma'am, Seattle PD. Can I take a quick look in your purse? It's just a precaution. We're searching people randomly. 

MRS. FROST 

Of course. 

MARTIN TAKES THE BAG AND DISAPPEARS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH FRASIER. SEVERAL LOUD BANGS CAN BE HEARD 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) There it is, get it. There, there. 

SEVERAL MORE LOUD BANGS ARE THEN HEARD BEFORE FRASIER AND MARTIN RE-ENTER LOOKING VERY FLUSTERED, SWEATING LIKE SOME SORT OF FARM ANIMALS AND HAND HER BACK HER BAG 

MARTIN 

Thankyou Ma'am. 

ROZ 

Frasier bad news. 

FRASIER 

Oh what now? 

ROZ 

That dead dog. 

FRASIER 

What about it? 

ROZ 

It belongs to that Dr. Mackinnion guy, I just over heard him talking. 

FRASIER 

How is that possible? The dog was here before he was. 

ROZ 

He's a friend of Dr. Berry. Dr. Berry brought him here on an earlier flight, because Dr. Mackinnion had been out of town for a few days and he didn't want to leave him on his own. 

LILITH 

He absolutely adores that dog. He even wrote a psychological analysis of it. He knew the psychological reasons for every tick, lick and twitch. 

FRASIER 

We've got to go and see if it's still alive. 

ROZ 

If it wasn't dead before, it was after you threw it several feet into a bush after bouncing it off a wall. 

FRASIER 

I've still got to check. Stay here and hold the fort, Pete come with me. 

AS FRASIER AND PETE EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S 2ND FLOOR CORRIDOR — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Niles, Daphne) 

DAPHNE AND NILES, STILL SOAKING WET, WALK ALONG THE CORRIDOR WITH GUESTS ROOMS EITHER SIDE OF THE THEM 

NILES 

I hope to God that paper holds. 

DAPHNE 

It stopped the flow and that's the most important thing right now, until the plumber gets here. 

NILES 

Daphne what are we doing up here? 

DAPHNE 

You can't stay in those wet clothes and no cab driver is going to let you near them looking like that. 

NILES 

So? 

DAPHNE 

Give me your key. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

DAPHNE 

Your card key opens all the doors doesn't it? 

DAPHNE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND TAKES OUT THE KEY AND UNLOCKS ONE OF THE DOORS 

NILES 

Yes but… Daphne that's breaking and entering. 

DAPHNE 

No it's not, you have a key to the door. 

NILES 

I don't think the judge will see it that way. 

DAPHNE 

Oh if we get caught I'll tell them I forced you into it. 

NILES 

Daphne I forbid you to go in that room. 

DAPHNE ENTERS THE ROOM FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY NILES

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S ROOM 216 — CONTINUOUS

ON THE BACK WALL IS A BED, OPPOSITE WHICH IS A DRESSING TABLE. ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A DOOR WHICH LEADS TO THE BATHROOM AND THE WARDROBE WHICH DAPHNE IS LOOKING THROUGH 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I'm forbidding you. I forbid you to go through that wardrobe. Daphne we could get arrested for this. 

DAPHNE 

Oh stop being such a big girl. Here put this on. 

DAPHNE PRODUCES A PINK, LACEY, FRILLY DRESSING GOWN FROM THE WARDROBE 

NILES 

I most certainly will not. 

DAPHNE 

Give me one good reason why not? 

NILES 

What apart from it being pink and frilly? 

DAPHNE 

It's either this, a leopard skin spandex leotard or we break into another room. 

NILES 

Give it. 

NILES EXITS TO THE BATHROOM WITH THE DRESSING GOWN 

DAPHNE 

We can go home and get you a proper change of clothes then and the only thing you'll have to worry about is the cab driver thinking that you're some sort of transvestite prostitute. 

NILES 

I'm not being seen out on the streets in this. 

DAPHNE 

Fussy bleeder. 

NILES 

What do I put my clothes in? 

DAPHNE 

Use a laundry bag. These are quite nice rooms actually. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF PERFUME AND UNSCREWS THE TOP TO SMELL IT. SHE THEN SNEEZES AND ACCIDENTALLY POURS THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OVER THE BED AND THE PILLOWS 

NILES 

Just be careful you don't touch anything. I don't want any sign left that we've been in here. 

DAPHNE TURNS THE PILLOW AND THE BEDSPREAD OVER BEFORE OPENING AND CLOSING THE DOOR TO WAFT THE SMELL OUT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

It's going to be bad enough when they discover I've taken this. 

DAPHNE RUNS TO THE MINI BAR AND EMPTIES A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH INTO THE PERFUME BOTTLE. WHEN IT'S DONE SHE HIDES THE MINI BAR BOTTLE BEHIND THE HEADBOARD AND STANDS INNOCENTLY AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM DRESSED IN NOTHING BUT THE FRILLY DRESSING GOWN 

NILES 

So what do you think? 

DAPHNE 

Honestly? I've never wanted you more. 

NILES 

To my own admission I didn't think pink was particularly my colour but… 

DAPHNE GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S LOBBY — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Frasier, Pete, Dr. Mackinnion, Chef, Lilith, Roz, Martin, Waitress) 

FRASIER AND PETE CARRY IN THE DEAD DOG THROUGH THE FRONT DOORS AND PLACE IT ON THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

Be careful. Don't drop it. 

PETE 

It's definitely dead Frasier. 

FRASIER 

It might not be, quick give it mouth to mouth. 

PETE 

You give it mouth to mouth, if it's so important to you. 

FRASIER 

Wait what's this powder around its mouth. 

PETE 

Oh my God it's rabid. And you wanted me to make out with it? 

FRASIER 

It is not rabid, if it were it would be foaming at the mouth not powdering. Oh no, it's the rat poison. It ate the rat poison. I've poisoned the chairman of the psychiatric board's dog. That's the end of my career. Ok we have to buy a new one. Pete go down the dog pound and try to find one that looks similar. 

PETE 

It's eight-thirty, nowhere will be open. 

FRASIER 

Then steal one from a yard, take one off a kid, just go. 

PETE 

What do we do with this one? 

FRASIER 

In the coat check. Now off you go. 

THEY MOVE THE DOG INTO THE COAT CHECK BEHIND THE LINE OF COATS. PETE EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR AS FRASIER WALKS BACK TO THE BALLROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S BALLROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ, MARTIN AND LILITH CONTINUE TO KEEP A SHARP EYE OPEN AS THE REST OF THE GUESTS WAIT IMPATIENTLY FOR THEIR DINNER. ENTER FRASIER

DR. MACKINNION 

Is the meal coming out any time soon Crane? Or do we have to cook our own. 

FRASIER 

It will be out shortly, we're just experiencing some slight technical difficulties. 

DR. MACKINNION 

How do you have technical difficulties with food? 

FRASIER 

Ask the chef. 

DR. MACKINNION MAKES HIS WAY TO THE KITCHEN DOOR BEFORE FRASIER JUMPS IN FRONT OF HIM AND STOPS HIM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

No, not really, he's far too busy now. 

ENTER CHEF FROM KITCHEN 

CHEF 

Dr. Crane I'm sorry I can not work like this. 

FRASIER 

Yes you can, now off you go. 

FRASIER PUSHES THE CHEF AND HE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

LILITH 

Frasier I don't know how much longer we can keep up this charade. I already have four caught in the refrigerator behind the bar. We have to move them, any longer and we'll have four rat Popsicle's in there. 

ROZ 

Oh quit complaining, don't you do this for a living? 

LILITH 

Yes, but you'll understand the difference between observing a rat run around a maze in search of food, and running around a ballroom chasing them. 

MARTIN 

Well how do you think I feel with my hip? 

ROZ 

You've got a ready made club in your hand what's your problem? 

LILITH 

Oh all right fine, since I have more experience in this field than anyone else, I suppose the lions share remains up to me. But you owe me for this Frasier, you owe me big. 

FRASIER 

I'm not sleeping with you. 

LILITH 

One word. Egomaniac. 

ENTER WAITRESS FROM KITCHEN 

WAITRESS 

Dr. Crane, dinner is ready. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou. If everyone would please take your seats and dinner shall be served. 

EVERYONE TAKES THEIR SEATS WITH FRASIER, ROZ, MARTIN AND LILITH DOWN THE RIGHT END OF THE TABLE NEXT TO THE FROSTS AND DR. MACKINNION AND DR. BERRY DOWN THE OTHER END 

ROZ 

What do we do now? 

FRASIER 

Just politely excuse yourself from the table. 

LILITH 

And say what exactly? 

FRASIER 

You have to use the bathroom. 

ROZ 

In other words pretend like we have unusually poor bladder control. Where's Pete? 

FRASIER 

He's gone to get a replacement dog. 

ROZ 

Why do I get the feeling I'm trapped in some strange 'I Love Lucy' land? 

MARTIN 

What about Niles and Daphne? 

FRASIER 

I don't know they must still be tackling the leak. 

CUT TO: 

(G) 

CUT TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S ROOM 216 — CONTINUOUS   
(Niles, Daphne, Mrs. Taylor, Man) 

DAPHNE HAS NILES PINNED UP THE WARDROBE KISSING HIM, HE SHOWS NO SIGN OF COMPLAINING, WELL ONLY ABOUT THE DRESSING GOWN HE IS FORCED TO WEAR 

NILES 

Do you smell perfume? 

DAPHNE 

No. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

Daphne as much as I want to stay here, we really need to go and clog that pipe again. It's only going to be a matter of time before the water starts to spurt out through the sponges and the rocks. 

DAPHNE 

I told you to stick the plunger to the end. 

NILES 

Oh you meant to the pipe. 

DAPHNE 

Yes, why what do you think I meant? 

NILES 

Oh nothing. 

DAPHNE 

I bet the plumbers already down there and Dr. Crane was dealing with everything else. So what's your problem? 

NILES 

I'm too fussy and way too scared to try new things. 

DAPHNE 

This is not new. 

NILES 

It is when I've committed a crime before hand. 

THEY GO TO KISS BUT STOP AS THEY HEAR THE KEY BEING PUT IN THE DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God she's back. 

DAPHNE 

Quick get in the wardrobe. 

NILES 

Daphne, now is really not the time. 

DAPHNE 

To hide! 

THEY BOTH GET IN THE WARDROBE AND SHUT THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. INSIDE ROOM 216'S WARDROBE - CONTINUOUS

NILES 

What do we do? 

DAPHNE 

Shhhh she might leave in a minute. 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S ROOM 216 — CONTINUOUS

MRS. TAYLOR ENTERS THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN ON THE BED. SHE THEN PUTS HER HAND ON HER HEAD AND SIGHS, OBVIOUSLY JUST BY LOOKING AT HER YOU CAN TELL THAT SHE ISN'T FEELING VERY WELL. SHE THEN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM AND THEN RE-ENTERS WITH A DAMP CLOTH. SHE OPENS THE BEDROOM DOOR AND HANGS THE 'DO NOT DISTURB' SIGN OUTSIDE, CLOSES IT, LIES DOWN ON THE BED WITH THE CLOTH ON HER HEAD BEFORE TURNING OUT THE LAMP NEXT TO HER LEAVING HER IN DARKNESS APART FROM THE GLOW OF THE BATHROOM LIGHT 

RESET TO: 

INT. INSIDE ROOM 216'S WARDROBE — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Was that the door? 

DAPHNE 

I think she's gone. Alone again. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

NILES 

Now Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Now Daphne what? 

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN 

NILES 

(GIVING IN) Oh right now Daphne. 

THEY KISS AND SLOWLY BACK OUT OF THE WARDROBE 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S ROOM 216 — CONTINUOUS

THEY BOTH STAND FOR A MOMENT BEFORE COLLAPSING ON TO THE BED AND UNFORTUNATELY ON TOP OF MRS. TAYLOR. MRS. TAYLOR SCREAMS AS NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH JUMP UP AND RUN TOWARDS THE DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

So sorry. 

DAPHNE 

Just shut up and move. Don't stop keep moving. 

NILES 

But my clothes. 

DAPHNE 

Get them later. 

NILES AND DAPHNE RUN OUT OF THE ROOM WITH MRS. TAYLOR GIVING CHASE 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S 2ND FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE RUN DOWN THE CORRIDOR 

MRS. TAYLOR 

Come back here you filthy perverts. 

AS THEY TURN THE CORNER THEY STOP RUNNING BUT BUMP INTO A MAN COMING OUT OF HIS ROOM WHO STARES IN SHOCK AT NILES 

DAPHNE 

Good evening. 

NILES AND DAPHNE WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR WITH THE MAN STARING AFTER THEM AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: 'IT'S A SHAME THEY WEREN'T SERVING RATATOUILLE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S BALLROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Frasier, Dr. Mackinnion, Lilith, Martin, Dr. Frost, Roz, Dr. Berry, Mrs. Frost, Alan, Pete, Mrs. Taylor, Niles, Daphne, Plumber) 

EVERYTHING LOOKS REASONABLY CALM AS THE WHOLE GROUP ENJOYING THEIR ENTREES. FRASIER, ROZ, MARTIN AND LILITH REMAIN A LITTLE TENSE 

FRASIER 

Dr. Mackinnion, may I just take this opportunity to tell you how much I enjoyed your last book. I found it both informative and insightful. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Relate to it could you Crane? 

FRASIER 

Not exactly, no. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Oh I see, starved in that area are you Crane? That explains why you're such a tight ass. 

FRASIER 

Now, you see, I'm a tight ass. I've been trying for years and I still can't make this man like me. I just don't know where I'm going wrong. 

LILITH 

To be fair Frasier you only find it easy to associate with no brain bimbo's, to whom the biggest challenge of the day is trying to remember where they parked their car after yet another meaningless one night stand. Anyone with even the slightest academic ability and you automatically take the inferior position and submissive role. 

MARTIN 

A bit like your marriage. 

LILITH 

Exactly, in our marriage you never once tried to assert yourself as the dominant party. 

FRASIER 

Well you were doing such a good job I didn't want to squash your enthusiasm. 

LILITH 

I'm not going to apologise for our relationship Frasier, someone had to wear the trousers before we became something to akin of a lesbian couple. 

FRASIER 

Get real for a moment Lilith, we were one more Adam's apple from being two gay men. I said that a little too loudly. 

DR. FROST 

(TAKING NOTES) See I told you it was a good idea to sit at this end of the table. 

MARTIN 

Roz, behind you, I see a small 'problem'. 

ROZ 

Then off you go and get it. 

FRASIER 

You get it Roz. 

ROZ 

Why can't you do it? 

FRASIER 

Because I'm entertaining. 

LILITH 

Not anyone at this table. 

MARTIN 

Oh go on Roz please, just scare it away. I would but my hip's just aching and throbbing. And you're so much younger, vibrant and more in the prime of your life than I am. 

ROZ 

Flattery will get you everywhere. 

LILITH 

As more than a fleet of men will testify to. 

ROZ 

Why you… 

FRASIER 

Roz don't you have a problem to deal with? 

ROZ 

Yes but you won't let me touch her. 

MARTIN 

Roz, it's gone under the table. 

ROZ 

How do you suggest I get it? 

LILITH 

Just climb under the table. 

ROZ 

If you'll excuse me a moment I have to use the powder room. 

ROZ DISAPPEARS UNDER THE TABLE. SECONDS LATER FRASIER JERKS AND FLINCHES 

FRASIER 

Let me give you a hint Roz, that's not it. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Of course one of the most obvious signs that someone is a sexual obsessive is their ability to turn anything sexual. For example an innocent touch, a simple passing glance, even a simple sentence can be turned on it's head and given sexual meaning if that's what you're searching for. The other point that I made… 

ROZ 

(UNDER TABLE) Oh, so sorry. 

DR. MACKINNION 

That's quite all right young lady. (PAUSE) I've forgotten what point I was making. 

DR. BERRY 

You were just touching on sexual obsessive behaviour. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Yes I think I was just touched by a… I mean yes I was. (PAUSE) Is it hot in here? 

ROZ CLIMBS OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN 

MARTIN 

Any luck? 

ROZ 

I can't see it. 

FRASIER 

Why can't you see it? 

ROZ 

You try crawling around amongst people's feet looking for it. Oh and by the way I don't think Dr. Mackinnion bathes. If he does, he shares the water with his dog. 

FRASIER 

Speaking of which, I wonder what's keeping Pete. 

ROZ 

Oh relax, he'll be back. And I meant that in a non Terminatorish way. 

FRASIER 

What? 

LILITH 

I beg your pardon? 

MARTIN 

Classic film. 

FRASIER 

(TO LILITH) I'm guessing sports. Actually after a rather shaky start I think this weekend is going to turn out to be a complete success. Niles seems to have handled the other situation fine. 

LILITH 

Speaking of which where is Niles? 

FRASIER 

I think he's getting changed, he had a little accident. And we've handled this situation beautifully. 

ROZ 

What do you mean, we? 

FRASIER 

The four of us. 

MARTIN 

When did you do anything? Other than kiss ass. 

FRASIER 

If I had started to run around like a lunatic it would only have raised suspicions. 

LILITH 

Frasier are you by any chance playing footsy with me? 

MARTIN 

Oh dear God I hope not, I'm trying to eat here. 

FRASIER 

No I'm not. 

LILITH 

Just as I thought, our friend is back. Excuse me one moment.\ 

LILITH DISAPPEARS UNDER THE TABLE 

LILITH (CONT'D) 

(UNDER THE TABLE) Excuse me Martin. 

MARTIN 

You just back off. I know I'm the other Crane left, but I'm telling you now, you're not making me your next conquest. 

LILITH 

No one is more thrilled than I. 

MARTIN 

Just in case, remember I have a cane, I'm not afraid to use it if I feel violated in anyway. 

LILITH 

Frasier I've got it, now what do I do? 

FRASIER 

Here, wrap it in my jacket and take it outside with the rest. 

FRASIER TAKES OFF HIS JACKET AND PASSES IT TO LILITH 

MARTIN 

May I ask why you're letting them go outside? They're just coming straight back in. 

LILITH CLIMBS OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE WITH A BUNDLE 

DR. MACKINNION 

See sexual obsessive behaviour right there, Dr. Sternin under the table. 

LILITH 

I was merely tying my shoe lace. 

DR. BERRY 

You're wearing slip ons. 

LILITH 

Imagine my embarrassment. 

AS LILITH GOES TO EXIT WITH THE JACKET CONTAINING THE RAT BUNDLED UP IN HER ARMS, SHE TRIPS AND DROPS THE JACKET WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN HER BALANCE. THE RAT THEN MAKES A RUN FOR IT AND EXITS WITH THE JACKET STILL ON TOP OF HIM. NO ONE NOTICES THE JACKET RUN ALONG THE FLOOR OUT OF THE ROOM 

FRASIER 

That was quick, where's my jacket? 

LILITH 

It ran away. 

DR. MACKINNION 

There's a hair in this pate. 

FRASIER 

Don't shout too loud everyone will want one. I'll see to it. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Don't bother Crane, I'll speak to the chef. 

DR. MACKINNION, GETS UP, PLATE IN HAND AND HEADS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN. FRASIER JUMPS UP AND BLOCKS THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

You can't go in there. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

Why not? That's a very interesting question that needs to be examined from all angles. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Move Crane, you may own this fleapit but you don't own me. 

FRASIER 

I'd rather you didn't because I really need your help. You see, your book made a lot of sense to me, as I think I may be… 

DR. MACKINNION 

Oh stop wasting my time. 

ROZ 

Send a man to do a woman's job. 

ROZ WALKS UP TO DR. MACKINNION AND KISSES HIM TO DISTRACT HIM 

DR. MACKINNION 

You know I thought we had a certain chemistry. 

ROZ LEADS HIM BACK TO HIS SEAT AS SEVERAL WAITERS COME OUT OF THE KITCHEN WITH LARGE COVERED SERVING PLATES CONTAINING THE MAIN COURSE. THEY ARE OPENED TO REVEAL DUCK EXCEPT THE CENTRAL ONE THAT HAS A DUCK WITH A RAT SITTING ON TOP OF IT. FRASIER IMMEDIATELY SLAMS THE LID DOWN AGAIN 

MRS. FROST 

A rat! 

FRASIER 

No there's no rats here. 

FRASIER'S JACKET THEN RUNS BACK INTO THE ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Except maybe that one. 

MRS. FROST THEN LIFTS UP THE LID AS THE RAT ESCAPES FROM UNDERNEATH IT AND RUNS ALONG THE TABLE CAUSING EVERYONE TO SHRIEK AND JUMP OUT OF THE WAY. DR. MACKINNION FINALLY SHAKES ROZ OFF AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE KITCHEN TO GIVE THE CHEF A PIECE OF HIS MIND. AS HE OPENS THE DOOR, ANOTHER RAT RUNS OUT AND OVER HIS FEET 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Please everyone just calm down. 

MARTIN 

It's only a tiny infestation. 

FRASIER 

You're not helping. 

MRS. FROST THEN JUMPS UP ONTO THE TABLE TO AVOID THE RAT THAT HAS ENTERED FROM THE KITCHEN AS DR. BERRY STARTS TO STAMP ON FRASIER'S JACKET TO KILL THE OTHER ONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Dr. Berry don't do that it's Armani. 

DR. BERRY 

I don't care if it's an Armani rat, it still has to die. 

DR. MACKINNION 

That's it I'm leaving. 

ENTER ALAN

ALAN 

Still having a slight problem with the plumbing Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Dually noted. 

ENTER PETE

PETE 

Frasier I've got the dog. 

FRASIER AND PETE EXIT INTO THE LOBBY 

RESET TO: 

INT. BELLAGIO'S LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

THERE IS A LARGE WOODEN BOX ON THE FLOOR THAT PETE LEADS FRASIER TO AS ALAN ENTERS AND WATCHES IN AMUSEMENT 

FRASIER 

What's it doing in that box? 

PETE 

It's a little aggressive. 

FRASIER 

How aggressive? 

PETE LIFTS UP HIS ARM WHICH IS HEAVILY BANDAGED AND COVERED IN BLOOD. HIS SHIRTSLEEVE IS TORN TO SHREDS. THE BOX BEGINS TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

We can't replace it with that. 

PETE 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

Because in stead of licking the good doctors face to greet him, this thing might go straight for the jugular. Mind you taking everything into consideration that might not be a bad thing. 

ROZ, MARTIN AND LILITH ENTER FOLLOWED BY THE MAJORITY OF THE BALLROOM ALL WANTING TO LEAVE 

ROZ 

We tried talking to them but they're still leaving. 

FRASIER 

And where are Niles and Daphne? Why does he leave me to handle everything? Please, please don't leave, I know we've had a few incidents tonight, but it can only get better. 

DR. MACKINNION 

And it can get better by leaving. Where is your coat check girl? 

ENTER MRS. TAYLOR FROM THE STAIRWELL 

MRS. TAYLOR 

Who is in charge around here? 

LILITH 

That would be the rather flustered, sweating gentleman. 

MRS. TAYLOR 

I have a bone to pick with you about security. I was lying on my bed, in my room, minding my own business when out of the wardrobe appears a couple who would have played a quick game of hide the salami right on top of me had I not screamed. 

DR. FROST 

Good God what kind of place are you running here Crane? 

LILITH 

A brothel immediately springs to mind. 

FRASIER 

Yes, thankyou Lilith. I'm sure you're just mistaken, are you sure you weren't hallucinating? 

MRS. TAYLOR 

Are you insinuating that I am some sort of drug addict. I'll have you know I'm the minister's wife. 

ROZ 

Then what are you doing staying here alone? 

MRS. TAYLOR 

Who says I'm alone? What? A woman does have certain natural urges you know. 

DR. MACKINNION 

Please someone check my coat before anything else happens. 

MRS. FROST 

Where's all this water coming from? 

FRASIER 

Alan mop this up please. 

MRS. TAYLOR 

What are you going to do about this or shall I just call the Police right now? 

FRASIER 

There's really no need. 

ALAN OPENS THE CUPBOARD NEXT TO THE COAT CHECK TO GET A MOP AND NILES AND DAPHNE FALL OUT IN A CLINCH AND HIT THE FLOOR, NILES STILL WEARING MRS. TAYLOR'S DRESSING GOWN. FRASIER AND MARTIN LOOK ON IN HORROR AS ROZ AND LILITH STRUGGLE TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER 

MRS. TAYLOR 

Look here they are. Is that my dressing gown? 

NILES 

I said I was sorry. 

MRS. TAYLOR 

Please tell me you're not naked under there. 

NILES 

I would but I'd be lying. 

NILES AND DAPHNE GET UP OFF THE FLOOR 

DR. MACKINNION 

That's it I'm leaving. I'll get my own coat. 

DR. MACKINNION WALKS INTO THE COAT CHECK 

PETE 

No, don't go in there. 

DR. MACKINNION COMES OUT WITH HIS COAT 

DR. MACKINNION 

Crane there's a dead dog in your coat check. 

FRASIER 

I know and I'm sorry, he must have eaten the rat poison. I am so sorry Dr. Mackinnion. Although I can't replace the sentiment and the emotional attachment, I will replace the dog. 

DR. MACKINNION 

What are you blabbering on about? 

FRASIER 

Your dog. 

DR. MACKINNION 

That's not my dog. 

PETE 

It's not? 

DAPHNE 

(REFERRING TO HIS ARM) What happened to you? 

ROZ 

We could ask you the same. 

DR. BERRY 

Good lord no, that's not Charles' dog, I boarded that in the spa down the street. 

DR. MACKINNION 

It's not even the same breed. My dog is a long-haired Jack Russell terrier. 

MARTIN 

Oh really, that's what I've got. 

DR. MACKINNION 

They're great dogs aren't they? 

FRASIER 

Anyway. So who's dog is this? 

DR. MACKINNION 

Who cares? Let's get the luggage Arthur. 

DR. MACKINNION AND DR. BERRY EXIT UPSTAIRS AS EVERYONE ELSE MAKES FOR THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Really there's no reason for anyone else to leave. 

LILITH 

Other than the underline threat of the plague. 

ENTER PLUMBER

PLUMBER 

Anyone call for a plumber? 

NILES 

Yes, right in there. 

THE PLUMBERS STARES AT WHAT NILES IS WEARING 

PLUMBER 

Have you guys been having a party? Hey what are you doing with my dog? 

PETE 

That's not your dog. 

PLUMBER 

Yes it is. Come here Max. 

THE DOG BARKS AS THE PLUMBER LETS HIM OUT OF THE BOX AND JUMPS UP HIM. THE PLUMBER THEN TURNS TO PETE 

PLUMBER (CONT'D) 

You thieving bastard. 

THE PLUMBER PUNCHES PETE AND IMMEDIATELY ROZ JUMPS ON HIS BACK AND STARTS TO HIT HIM AS THE PLUMBER STAGGERS OUTSIDE WITH ROZ STILL ON HIS BACK 

PLUMBER (CONT'D) 

Get off me you crazy woman. 

ROZ AND THE PLUMBER EXIT WITH PETE CHASING AFTER THEM 

LILITH 

She's quite feisty in a street corner kind of way. 

THE BASEMENT DOOR THEN GIVES WAY SENDING A BLAST OF WATER OUT OF THE DOOR AT ABOUT WAIST HEIGHT THROUGH THE LOBBY AS SEVERAL RATS RUN THROUGH THE LOBBY AND INTO THE BALLROOM. THE REMAINING GUESTS THEN LEAVE APART FROM DR. FROST 

DR. FROST 

Thanks Crane, you've given us enough material for next year's convention and then some. 

DR. FROST EXITS

A BEAT AS EVERYONE TAKES IN THE DAMAGE 

NILES 

So, what did we miss? 

AS THE PLUMBER CAN BE SEEN RUNNING PAST THE DOOR WITH ROZ STILL ON HIS BACK, FRASIER SIGHS AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: MRS. TAYLOR'S DRESSING GOWN IS ON THE RECEPTION COUNTER. WHILE NO ONE IS LOOKING, ALAN PICKS IT UP AND TRIES IT ON.   
  
  



	17. Episode Seventeen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_To win a three-week trip around the Caribbean on a cruise ship with David Hyde Pierce please send feedback to this address kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Terms and conditions apply like it possibly not actually being real. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Seventeen   
Heaven Can Wait 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Eddie) 

DAPHNE CLEARS THE BREAKFAST THINGS OFF THE TABLE AS NILES HELPS AND MARTIN WATCHES FROM HIS CHAIR WITH EDDIE ON HIS LAP. ENTER FRASIER FROM HIS ROOM FUSSING WITH HIS TIE 

NILES 

Honestly Daphne I have never done that before in my life. 

DAPHNE 

You've been doing it for years. Sometimes you suck so hard, that I often think if you came with attachments we could throw out the vacuum cleaner. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

What's all this about? Wiping his cutlery with his utensil shammey again? 

MARTIN 

That was my first thought but now I'm not so sure. Now I'm thinking probably sorting his socks alphabetically by colour. Either way it's not something you want to discuss in public. 

FRASIER 

It still boggles me how we are related. 

MARTIN 

Oh please, I've been wondering how the three of us are related for years. Ever since I gave you your first and only baseball bat and you used it to conduct the New York Philharmonic Orchestra on the radio. Until of course you lost control of it and smacked Niles around the head. Five hours we spent in that emergency room trying to convince Niles that he was actually a five year old boy not Plato reincarnated. I swear he's never been the same since. Right there and then I knew you'd never be a war hero. 

FRASIER 

Yes curse that damn peace treaty. 

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE

NILES 

Ok give me one example. 

DAPHNE 

Yesterday in Nervosa. 

NILES 

Nonsense I merely smelled the air to see what the special blend of the day was. Oh all right fine, every now and then I may have smelled your hair, in years gone by. 

DAPHNE 

Pull the other one, it's like having a narcotics sniffer dog welded to my head. I keep waiting for you to bark and a strange man to pull a condom full of cocaine from behind my ear before being stripped searched and locked up with a large loafer-wearing woman called Al, who in exchange for me shaving her legs protects me in the shower. 

NILES 

It's not that bad! 

DAPHNE 

Sweetie, you do it all the time. I'm worried you're going to suck that much hair up your nose that it'll give you an embolism. I don't particularly want to see that on your death certificate, 'death by choking on girlfriend's hair.' Do you have any idea how that would make me feel? Knowing I was the cause. 

NILES 

Do you have any idea how I feel to realise you actually think about that stuff? 

DAPHNE 

It's not as if I've planned the service, although I do know what suit you'll wear. Anyway it's inevitable to think about death when you work with the elderly. They can pop their clogs at any minute, you have to brace yourself, you never know where you'll find them. I've often had fears that I'll find your father dead after his morning constitutional. And that's not a pretty image. Especially first thing in the morning. 

MARTIN 

Hey! 

DAPHNE WALKS PAST NILES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AS HE ONCE AGAIN SMELLS HER HAIR AS SHE GOES PAST 

DAPHNE 

There you just did it again. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY NILES

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

I didn't I just happened to take a rather deep breath while you were walking past. 

DAPHNE 

Ooh how flattering, be still my beating heart. Why don't you just admit it? 

NILES 

Because instead of the colossus of a man you've become accustomed to, it will make me sound all needy and pathetic. 

DAPHNE 

As opposed to what you sound like now? 

NILES 

And just what does that mean? 

DAPHNE 

Oh calm down I'm only teasing. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I actually quite like it, it's when you stop doing it that I'll begin to worry. 

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Right old man exercises. 

MARTIN 

Oh not now Daph. 

DAPHNE 

We do this at the same time everyday, it can hardly come as a surprise to you. I've had the exercise mat out for over an hour. Oh don't pull that face I'm not going to bring out the thigh master. 

NILES 

Thank God, he nearly had my eye out with it the other day when he squeezed too hard. 

FRASIER 

Yes but luckily he missed and embedded it into my Chihuly. 

MARTIN 

But I was just about to take Eddie out. 

DAPHNE 

You can take him after. 

MARTIN 

But he needs to go now. Can't you see how his eyes have crossed? Not to mention his legs? 

DAPHNE 

Then ask one of your sons to take him. 

MARTIN 

Niles? 

NILES 

Sorry I have to leave for work in a moment. 

MARTIN 

Frasier? 

FRASIER 

I'd rather be disembowelled by a chicken. 

MARTIN 

Oh come on Frasier please. He's just a little dog with a very full bladder. Look at that sweet little face don't you just want to smother him with… 

FRASIER 

A pillow? 

MARTIN 

I was going to say kisses. 

FRASIER 

Of course you where, what else would I expect a retired, mocho Policeman to say in reference to his dog. 

NILES 

You're feminine side seems to be seeping through into your everyday life Dad. And she's asking 'why are you doing this?' and 'those heels really don't go with that Police uniform, try a Fireman's.' 

DAPHNE 

It won't be long before you're knitting him a pair of booty's to wear on special occasions. 

MARTIN 

I would never do that, Eddie doesn't like anything on his feet. 

DAPHNE 

I was referring to Dr. Crane. 

MARTIN 

Oh please Frasier. 

FRASIER 

No! 

MARTIN 

I'm only thinking about your carpets. But if you want a trail stained across the room in time for your next Opera party it's up to you. It would lead your guests from the front door to the buffet table like some strange urological treasure map. 

FRASIER 

Oh fine, where is his lead? 

EDDIE RUNS UP TO FRASIER AND DROPS THE LEAD AT HIS FEET. FRASIER PUTS IT ON AND HE AND EDDIE EXIT

DAPHNE 

Right you on your back. 

NILES LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR ON HIS BACK BEFORE MARTIN HAS CHANCE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh not you, you silly sod. 

SHE SMACKS HIS ARM AS NILES GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR 

NILES 

Fine, now I've been rejected and utterly humiliated by the woman I love, who would rather fondle my father's rear end than mine, I'll leave to be with my patient, someone who actually wants me. 

DAPHNE 

Trust me she's not after your body. 

NILES 

It's a he. 

DAPHNE 

On second thoughts he very well might be. 

NILES 

Not everyone undresses me with their eyes like you do. 

DAPHNE 

Call by later and I won't use my eyes. 

NILES 

As long as you promise you won't bite. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I won't bite...hard. 

MARTIN 

Hello! Have you two forgotten I'm even here? 

NILES 

I had. 

DAPHNE 

Me too. 

AS NILES EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'HE'LL BE OK, WHEELY HE WILL' 

FADE IN: 

INT. VET'S WAITING ROOM — DAY — DAY/1   
(Niles, Frasier, Vet, Eddie) 

FRASIER SITS IN A BUSY WAITING ROOM AS NILES ENTERS

NILES 

My God this whole place smells of wet dog. Frasier I got your message, what on earth are you doing here? 

FRASIER 

I'm at the vet's, why do you think I'm here? To be wormed and get a free tick bath? Or maybe to have myself sterilised due to my lack of a love life? 

NILES 

Oh no, they've cancelled your health plan at the station. Just bare in mind, after reading that article last week, you of all people should know the problems resulting from back alley operations. 

FRASIER 

Yes dim witted brothers. Eddie's had an accident. 

NILES 

Eddie? 

FRASIER 

Yes Eddie. 

NILES 

Eddie? Oh yes Eddie. You mean Dad's dog Eddie. 

FRASIER 

That's correct, Bob tell him what he's won! I hardly mean the wine clerk Eddie. Normally you wouldn't bring a man to the vet's who had been flattened by a shelf full of Dom Perignon. Normally you'd send him straight to a gynaecologist. What is the matter with you this afternoon? Have you been drinking? 

NILES 

I'm just a little distracted, I've had a rough day. So what happened? 

FRASIER 

He was run over. 

NILES 

You're kidding! How? 

FRASIER 

Well the wheel just ran over him obviously. A group of monkeys didn't jump out of the bushes and attack him with a rolling pins. The Police seem to be keeping the amount of those incidents down to a minimum. 

NILES 

I meant how did he get run over? 

FRASIER 

I may have accidentally tripped over him and kicked him in front of a bus. It happens everyday! 

NILES 

Are you sure? 

FRASIER 

Of course I'm sure. I think I can tell the difference between a bus and a juvenile on a skateboard. Windshield wipers and thirty passengers to begin with. 

NILES 

No I mean are you sure it was an accident? 

FRASIER 

No I deliberately hurled the one thing that our father loves most in the world in front of a bus and then stood there on the sidewalk doing my best evil laugh and twirling my moustache. What a question to ask. 

NILES 

I can see how that may have seemed harsh, but after all you and Eddie have never seen… 

NILES BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY 

FRASIER 

What are you laughing at? 

NILES 

I was just about to say you and Eddie have never seen eye to eye. 

FRASIER 

I'm glad to know you find this so amusing. What is wrong with you? How many more times? Self-medicating isn't healthy. Before long you'll be on top of the Space Needle trying to build a nest again. 

NILES 

I'm sorry but you would not believe the afternoon that I've had, I need a little light relief. I've heard the odd unflattering rumour going around our social circle for sometime about Daphne and I but I've chosen to ignore it. I just thought if Mel still needs to blow off steam I'll let her. Until I heard the latest one. The rumour involving us, a tent, a car battery and a pint of Hagen Das is running through polite society like a bush fire. So I decided to call Mel and confront her, but as it turns out it's not Mel, although she could point me in the right direction to find the culprit. 

FRASIER 

Who is it? 

NILES 

Maris. Furious I went to confront her, but she's denying everything of course. But I could tell she was lying, her eye started to twitch like a frog leg in a science experiment. And I don't mean that in a good way at all. 

FRASIER 

If I were you I'd keep this quiet from Daphne. 

NILES 

Of, course I don't want her to hear what's been said about her. No matter how untrue it is it's still unflattering. 

FRASIER 

I didn't mean that. I don't think she's going to be particularly pleased that you've seen both your ex-wives in the space of a few hours. 

NILES 

That's a good point Frasier, and I'm sure our little chitchat today has ended the torrent of abuse being branded around about us so I won't have to see her again. 

FRASIER 

So how is Maris? Still the spokes person for IHOP? Does she still have her own weather system? 

NILES 

As you know it's been almost a year since I've seen her and she has lost so much weight in that time. Dad's theory that she'd actually been eaten by that fat woman posing as Maris have been put to rest. She looked stunning. From what I could tell anyway, she was eating Chinese food and kept hiding behind her chopstick another clear indication of her guilt. 

ENTER THE VET FROM A SIDE ROOM 

VET 

Excuse me Dr. Crane? We're all done now and satisfied enough to let Eddie go home. If you'll just give me a moment and I'll bring him out to you. 

EXIT VET

FRASIER 

Thankyou. Oh God what am I going to tell Dad? 

NILES 

You mean he doesn't know? 

FRASIER 

I was hoping he'd never find out. He'll never speak to me again when he finds out what I've let happen. 

NILES 

Have you been here all day? 

FRASIER 

Yes, I didn't want to leave him in case anything happened. 

NILES 

Yes because if anyone knows how to resuscitate a small dog in an emergency, it's a psychiatrist disk jockey. What did you do about your show? 

FRASIER 

I phoned Roz and she put the best of Crane on. 

NILES 

What did she do for the other two hours fifty-eight minutes? 

FRASIER 

This is not the time to try to heal with humour I need help, what am I going to tell Dad? 

NILES 

Well maybe it's not that bad. He might not notice. 

THE VET ENTERS CARRYING EDDIE. EDDIE IS BROUGHT OUT WITH A LARGE CONE ON HIS HEAD AND HIS BACK LEGS ATTACHED TO A SMALL CART WITH WHEELS, TO HELP HIM WALK UNTIL THEY ARE PROPERLY HEALED 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Then again maybe not. Unless you poke Dad's eyes out first, but I wouldn't recommend it, he has a cane and he knows how to use it. 

VET 

Here is his pain relief, with the dosage stated on the bottle and we need to see him again on Wednesday. Now don't be alarmed by the cart, it's just to help him get around until his legs have had a reasonable amount of time to heal. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou. 

EXIT VET

NILES 

Did they give you a choice of what inanimate object they turned him into or did you just give them free range? Because if you wanted a new serving trolley, I know of an easier way to get one and I can guarantee it wouldn't be infested with fleas. 

AS FRASIER STARES IN DISBELIEF AT EDDIE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — NIGHT — NIGHT/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Eddie, Daphne, Martin, Roz) 

FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP WITH EDDIE SITTING AT THEIR FEET 

FRASIER 

What am I going to say to Dad? 

NILES 

Here's your membership to the Auto Club in case he gets a flat tire? 

FRASIER 

Stop it. What am I going to do? 

NILES 

One thing for certain don't let him go out in the rain. Those wheels will rust up so fast, he won't be able to move and if he looks up, that cone will fill up so fast he'll have drowned before he realises it's even raining. 

FRASIER 

This is all just so amusing to you isn't it? 

NILES 

You know it is. Just tell Dad that he was like it when you went out. You never know he might believe it. 

FRASIER 

Only if he's gone insane in the time that I've been gone. 

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND FRASIER AND NILES EXIT. EDDIE REMAINS IN THERE AS HE HASN'T MASTERED HIS WHEELS YET AND IS HAVING TROUBLE MOVING. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AS NILES LOOKS BACK TO SEE EDDIE STILL IN THE ELEVATOR 

NILES 

Aren't you forgetting someone? 

FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE AND THEY ALL EXIT INTO THE APARTMENT 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, NILES AND EDDIE ENTER AS DAPHNE APPEARS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

What the bloody hell happened to him? 

FRASIER 

To whom? 

DAPHNE 

The little furbinator there. 

FRASIER PLACES EDDIE ON THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

Nothing. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I see, he just happened to mutate into this current state while at the dog park. It must be all that radioactive waste dumped there recently. Not a day goes by down there when you don't see a squirrel mutated into a tiny electric wheelchair, going by. 

NILES 

He was ran over. 

DAPHNE 

What by a herd of elephants? 

ENTER MARTIN FROM HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

Daphne you're not helping. What am I going to tell Dad? Dad! 

MARTIN 

Hey, what's going on? 

FRASIER 

Nothing, nothing at all. 

MARTIN 

You've been gone a hell of a long time, I was starting to worry. Did you take Eddie into the station with you? 

FRASIER 

Not exactly. 

MARTIN 

Where is he? 

FRASIER 

Over here. 

MARTIN 

Oh my God, what did you do to him? 

MARTIN IMMEDIATELY RUSHES TO EDDIE 

FRASIER 

Nothing he was like that when I went out. 

NILES GIVES FRASIER THE THUMBS UP 

MARTIN 

I think I'd have noticed a traffic cone on his head when I put his collar on. Do you honestly think I came down in the last shower? 

NILES 

Well he was hoping. 

FRASIER 

Shut up. 

MARTIN 

What did you do to him? Put him in a trash compactor? 

FRASIER 

He was run over. 

MARTIN 

You threw my dog in front of a car? 

NILES 

Actually it was a bus. 

FRASIER 

Shut up. 

DAPHNE 

How about you help me in the kitchen. 

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

How could you do this Frasier? 

FRASIER 

I didn't mean to, it was an accident. 

MARTIN 

I trusted him with you. 

FRASIER 

It's not so bad it's hardly noticeable. 

MARTIN 

Hardly noticeable? You've turned my dog into a shopping cart. Whenever we go out there are going to be old ladies trying to stuff hair nets and cat food down his throat. 

FRASIER 

That should be good news. Think of it as a way to meet women. 

MARTIN EXITS WITH EDDIE TO HIS ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Wait Dad, I've got his medication. 

FRASIER FOLLOWS THEM AND EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Maybe I should go and see if they're both all right? 

DAPHNE 

You just want to earwig their conversation. 

NILES 

How could you think that? I'm concerned for the well being of my family. 

DAPHNE 

Stay put, you gossipy fishwife. 

NILES MOVES IN AND PUSHES DAPHNE UP THE ISLAND AND KISSES HER NECK 

NILES 

You think you can stop me, you're not the boss of me. Mel maybe, Maris definitely, but not you. 

DAPHNE 

Since when? 

SHE KISSES HIM 

NILES 

I rule the roost, I am Tarzan hear me roar. Oh and you should see me in a loincloth. 

DAPHNE 

I can imagine boss man. 

NILES 

That's right I am the boss man. 

DAPHNE 

Oh shut up, off you go. 

SHE SLAPS HIS ARM. NILES EXITS

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS TRYING TO FIND THE RINGING PHONE. SHE TRACKS IT DOWN TO NILES' COAT. SHE TAKES OUT THE PHONE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

(SHOUTS) Niles! Never mind. 

SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Hello? Yes it is. Oh yes hello Mel. No he can't get to the phone at the moment. I'll pass that message on. OK, bye. 

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS NILES ENTERS

NILES 

I got the impression they didn't want to talk to me when the door hit my face. Was that my cell phone? 

DAPHNE 

Have you got something you want to tell me? 

HE WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER 

NILES 

Yes, I drank all those protein shakes you gave me and now I'm as frisky as a Tomcat in heat. I just need a scratching post. 

DAPHNE 

I meant why your ex-wife is phoning you on your cell phone. 

DAPHNE PUSHES HIM AWAY 

NILES 

Ah well, listen Daphne before you get upset, I can explain everything about Maris. 

DAPHNE 

Maris? That was Mel. How many more old flames have you bunked up with today? 

NILES 

Just those two, but I can explain about Mel too. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I bet you can. 

NILES 

Daphne please listen to me. 

DAPHNE 

I'd rather not hear all the sordid details if it's all the same with you. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY NILES AS MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING EDDIE WITH FRASIER CLOSE BEHIND 

FRASIER 

Don't you run away from me. How many more times do I have to say I'm sorry? If I could glue the little dog back together again I would. 

MARTIN 

If only it were that simple, you tried to murder my dog. What's next? Are you going to start lacing my beer cans with arsenic? Make a bonfire with my chair? 

FRASIER 

Oh don't tempt me. 

ENTER DAPHNE WITH NILES STILL FOLLOWING 

DAPHNE 

Am I over reacting? I didn't realise it wasn't appropriate to get a little upset when your boyfriend starts knocking it around with both his ex-wives in one day. What is the proper etiquette? To get a slight migraine when the first baby is born? 

MARTIN 

You did what? What is it with you boys, betraying the people who love you the most? 

NILES 

Dad stay out of this, and focus on your own problem, I'm not the one who tried to kill your dog, Frasier did, I wasn't even there. 

FRASIER 

Will you stop making it worse you little weasel! 

DAPHNE 

And the only reason you weren't with him was because you were with the ice princesses seeing if they were so cold you could make your tongue stick to them. 

SFX: TELEPHONE

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

What? What? Sod off you bloody pervert. 

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE 

MARTIN 

You've taken pop shots at my chair since I got here, I should have known it was only a matter of time before you started on Eddie. I've had nightmares about finding him in the blender with the setting stuck on puree. 

FRASIER 

It's not as if he's dead, he's just severely disabled. 

NILES ATTEMPTS TO HOLD DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Get away from me. 

NILES 

Daphne if you'll let me explain you'll see that I've actually done nothing wrong. 

DAPHNE 

You've done nothing wrong? 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) All right enough, we have company. 

EVERYONE QUIETENS DOWN AS FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ WEARING A RATHER LARGE HAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh it's just Roz. 

DAPHNE 

If you didn't do anything wrong, why didn't you tell me? 

MARTIN 

These boys have a way of trying to cover things up. 

FRASIER 

I told you the truth, it's not as if I killed him and then bought a cat, cut off it's tail and painted it to look like Eddie just to deceive you. 

NILES 

I was going to tell you. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I bet you were, when you got caught. 

ROZ 

(SHOUTS) Quiet! Daphne a word. What kind of psychopathic, devil possessed, freak of a hairdresser did you send me to? 

DAPHNE 

What do you mean? What's wrong with Gloria? 

ROZ 

Gloria wasn't available so I had to have Sue. Come into the kitchen. 

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

A BEAT 

DAPHNE SCREAMS AND THEN RE-ENTERS WITH ROZ

DAPHNE 

I am so sorry. 

ROZ 

This is all your fault. 

DAPHNE 

How is it my fault? You should have thought twice about using her when you saw she had a lazy eye, a wooden leg that's a foot shorter than it should be and three fingers missing. She can hardly hold the scissors. 

ROZ LIFTS UP HER HAND TO DISPLAY A PLASTER 

ROZ 

I've noticed. I'll spare you the details of where else she stabbed, but just say I won't be dating for a while. 

FRASIER 

What happened? 

ROZ 

It's blue. I asked for a wash, trim and blow dry and instead now I looked like a character off God damn Sesame Street. All I need is to raid a candy store, not shave my legs for a week and I might as well be the Cookie Monster. 

DAPHNE 

Look on the bright side, at least you'll be able to tell us then if Burt and Ernie are really gay. 

ROZ 

Burt and Ernie are not gay, they're just good friends. What is that noise? Oh my God what happened to Eddie? Why would you buy a dog a scooter? 

MARTIN 

Frasier threw him in front of a bus. 

FRASIER 

I did not throw him it was an accident. If I had thrown him the cleaning service at the bus depot would have to have prised him off the grid with the jaws of life not pick him up off the floor. How many times do I have to apologise? What is it you want me to do? Take care of him twenty-four hours a day? Because if that's what it takes for you to forgive me, I'll do it. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED ONCE AGAIN BY NILES

MARTIN 

It's a start. 

ROZ 

I have bright blue hair let's focus on that, not on robo-dog. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Listen Daphne please. 

FRASIER 

(OFFSTAGE) Ahhhhhhh 

MARTIN STARTS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY FROM OFFSTAGE 

DAPHNE 

What's happened? 

ROZ 

(OFFSTAGE) I took my hat off. It's not funny. 

NILES 

Daphne I never told you because I was trying to protect you. There have been some incredibly degrading rumours going around the Seattle elite about me, and especially you. I didn't want you to find out because I knew it would just upset you. I phoned Mel to confront her about it but she said it wasn't her, and then she tipped me off that it was Maris, so I went to see her. I've only done this for you. Do you honestly think that I would want to see either of them again especially with the knowledge that my doing so would jeopardise our relationship? 

DAPHNE 

I guess not. I'm so sorry, I over reacted. You're so sweet to try to protect me like that. What's she been saying? 

NILES 

Let's just say it'll be best if you stay away from the docks and anywhere where they sell balloons and silly putty. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ENTER NILES AND DAPHNE

ROZ 

Will you stop laughing at me! Alice took one look at me and screamed. I had to coax her out from under the bed with a bag of M&M's and a promise to buy her a kitten. 

MARTIN 

It's not so bad, you just look like you're going through a mid-life crisis. 

ROZ 

I'm not old enough to go through a mid-life crisis. 

FRASIER 

Since when? 

ROZ 

Oh be quiet I'm not the one whose pushing fifty. 

SFX: TELEPHONE

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE PHONE 

DAPHNE 

Hello? What? Just you see here. What does it matter what I'm wearing? Let's just leave the oral sex out of this thankyou very much. 

NILES 

Who is it? 

DAPHNE 

I have no idea. 

DAPHNE GIVES NILES THE PHONE 

NILES 

May I help you? No I don't do a French accent. Who is this? 

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

What's wrong? 

NILES 

It sounds like some pervert has got your telephone number from somewhere. 

SFX: TELEPHONE

DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN ANSWERS 

DAPHNE 

Hello? Where did you get this number? Look any bondage is between me and me boyfriend. 

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE 

ROZ 

That's more than I wanted to hear. 

MARTIN 

What the hell is going on? 

ROZ 

(SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh my God, I know about this. 

NILES 

We'll all try to contain our amazement. Are you entering into a new business venture Roz? 

ROZ 

No, I was using the phone outside Nervosa and I saw one of those 'Sex Chat' call cards on the wall. I thought it was this number, but I just dismissed it because I only glanced at it. 

FRASIER 

I saw one of those this morning in the park 'Madam Daphne'. 

DAPHNE 

What? 

NILES 

Oh my God Maris. Could she really have stooped that low? 

ROZ 

I don't know but according to those cards Daphne sure can. 

AS THE TELEPHONE RINGS ONCE AGAIN WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — DAY —DAY/2   
(Roz, Frasier, Eddie, Kenny, Tim (VO)) 

ROZ STANDS WRITING ON HER CLIP BOARD IN FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH (STILL WEARING THAT STRANGE HAT) AS FRASIER WALKS IN CARRYING EDDIE

ROZ 

Frasier you've bought Eddie to work with you. 

FRASIER 

Observant to the end aren't you Roz. 

ROZ 

You couldn't have received the memo, but bring your dog to work day was cancelled this year due to lack of interest. 

ENTER KENNY

KENNY 

Hi Frasier. Wow what is that? One of those chi pets for your son? 

FRASIER 

It's my father's dog. 

ROZ 

He's looking after him to eliminate the guilt he's feeling after he threw him in front of a car. 

FRASIER 

I did not throw him in front of a car, I tripped over him and in the course of trying to maintain my balance I accidentally kicked him in front of a moving bus. 

KENNY 

You did this to your own father? How could you Doc? 

FRASIER 

I didn't throw my father in front of the bus. I threw his dog in front of a bus. I hope you can tell the difference between my father and a dog, because if you can't my God I suggest therapy. 

KENNY 

Is he going to be all right in here during your show? 

FRASIER 

Kenny he can hardly move, the problems that he'll cause are minimal at best. 

KENNY 

Have you considered attaching a remote controlled car to the back of his cart? That way you don't have to push him around, you can just use the control and bring him to you at a flip of a switch. 

FRASIER 

Yes and that's exactly what I want, a remote controlled dog whizzing around my apartment. It's bad enough that I have to help him with his bowel movements without making him vomit with the g-force at the same time. Why don't I just buy him a hat with earflaps and goggles and call him Biggles. 

KENNY 

It was just a suggestion. Hey Roz, nice hat. 

ROZ 

Oh thanks Kenny. 

ROZ GOES TO TAKE IT OFF 

FRASIER 

No, no, keep it on. 

KENNY 

Why? 

FRASIER 

Roz has hallucinogenic hair. 

ROZ 

Oh it's not that bad. 

FRASIER 

It's bright blue. If you stare at it too long, it will send you blind. It comes with the same health warning as a solar eclipse. Speaking of which Roz haven't you at least tried to wash it out once? 

ROZ 

No I thought I'd keep it like this, it makes me much more attractive to men. It won't come out. It would be easier to piece together the shark at the end of 'Jaws' then to get my hair back to it's normal colour. 

ROZ EXITS TO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

KENNY 

Why did she dye it in the first place? Mid-life crisis? 

FRASIER 

Well actually...that's right mid-life crisis. And a little late if you ask me. 

ROZ 

I heard that. You're on in three. 

KENNY EXITS AS FRASIER STARTS HIS SHOW 

FRASIER 

Good afternoon Seattle this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours. Before we quickly switch over to Chopper Dave for a traffic report I'd like to make a personal appeal. A certain vindictive, flag pole of the Seattle social elite has taken it upon themselves to cause a great deal of distress to my family by advertising a sex chat line with my telephone number. So I ask everyone now to please stop calling Madam Daphne, as on the other end of the line you will only find an extremely annoyed psychiatrist not someone who can make all your dreams come true but rather all your nightmares. I'll be back after this. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR 

ROZ 

Nice one Frasier. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

ROZ 

You've basically just called all your listeners a bunch of perverts who have nothing better to do than phone sex lines. Which in most cases is actually true, but they're still going to find it offensive. 

EDDIE BEGINS TO WHINE 

FRASIER 

I did not. Oh what is it Eddie? Oh very well fine. 

FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE AND STARTS TO RUB HIS STOMACH 

ROZ 

What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Massaging his abdomen. Dad's convinced it's essential in order for him to digest his food probably since he can't move. 

ROZ 

And you believe this? 

FRASIER 

Hell I'm feeling guilty. 

ROZ 

Is this chat line really that bad? 

FRASIER 

Roz it's a telethon. Only they're not pledging money. Except that one man who was going to pay Dad twenty dollars to spell 'buttock' out over the phone. I won't tell you what he wanted him to spell for a thousand, but it made him blush. But then again I'm sure you know him and most of the men calling Roz. 

ROZ 

Bite me. OK on again in three. 

FRASIER JUST MANAGES TO REACH THE BUTTON PAST EDDIE TO GO BACK ON AIR 

FRASIER 

Hello Seattle we're back. And now let's get straight to the phone lines. Roz who do we have on line one? 

ROZ 

We have Tim from Kirkland who has been experiencing some child abuse flashbacks of late. 

FRASIER TRIES TO PRESS A BUTTON BUT CAN'T REACH AS HE HOLDS EDDIE 

FRASIER 

Roz I can't reach the button will you pass it through please? 

ROZ 

Of course Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Hello Tim I'm listening. 

EDDIE BEGINS TO LICK FRASIER'S FACE 

TIM 

It all started a few weeks ago after I had a car accident. The trauma of it sent all of these memories to the front of my mind that I'd managed to repress over the years. I find them coming to me all the time, in my sleep, during the day, all the times when I would say to my father… 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Oh will you please stop licking me. 

TIM 

How could you know that? Oh my God, oh the memories, oh the horror. 

TIM HANGS UP 

FRASIER 

We'll be right back after this. 

AS FRASIER GOES BACK OFF AIR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: 'ONE MAN AND HIS PAMPERED LITTLE POOCH' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — NIGHT/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Eddie, Niles, Daphne, Roz) 

EDDIE LIES ON THE COUCH ON HIS BACK SURROUNDED BY PILLOWS AS FRASIER FUSSES AROUND HIM AND MARTIN WATCHES FROM HIS CHAIR 

MARTIN 

He needs another pillow. 

FRASIER 

Another one? Anymore and he's going to disappear beneath them and suffocate. He'll have to send up a flare so we can find him. Fine another pillow. Would Indian cotton suit him better or would he prefer that pig pillow that Daphne keeps on her bed? I feel it would be more comforting on the back of his head. 

MARTIN 

Just for that abuse you can bring me a beer. 

FRASIER 

Oh do I have to fetch a beer? Can't you paddle me instead? Surely I wasn't bad enough to be punished this severely. 

MARTIN 

And Eddie needs more water, bottled. 

FRASIER 

For God sake Dad, normally he just drinks from the toilet, now you want me to give him bottled water? I suppose you also want me to substitute the Toilet Duck for ice cubs. 

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN 

Are you arguing with me? Are you forgetting you almost killed him a few days ago? 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

How could I forget? 

ENTER NILES

NILES 

Hi Frasier I have good news… I see you're still playing Dr. Doolittle. I have a cat welded to the hood of my car. He's meowing but I can't understand a word. Will you go and ask if it's in pain. I think it may need you at apply an ice pack and a Band-Aid. 

FRASIER 

Ha! Now what do you want? 

NILES 

Just a quick question. Do you have to take his temperature? 

FRASIER 

I'll take yours in a minute. Now what's the good news? 

NILES 

I've resolved this phone business, normal service is to resume immediately. 

FRASIER 

Have you changed my number? 

NILES 

Yes I did and to prevent it from ever happening again I went to see Maris. I'll rephrase that, I tried to see Maris, but she was dabbing at her watercolours and I kept loosing track of her behind her paintbrush. 

FRASIER 

It's amazing how her weight has changed again. Not six months ago, you'd struggle to loose her behind an elephant. It's from one extreme to the other. 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM HER ROOM WITH HER HAIR WRAPPED IN A TOWEL 

NILES 

I know she looks absolutely fantastic in a minimalist kind of way. 

DAPHNE 

Who's this? 

NILES 

Maris, I went to see her again this afternoon and I've resolved the situation. 

DAPHNE 

You went to see her again? 

NILES 

Of course, I had to sort this out. Anyway it should no longer be an issue because I have her exactly where I want her. 

FRASIER 

What did you say to her? 

NILES 

One mention of the words urinal cakes and she folded like a ratty old deck chair. 

FRASIER 

When have you ever folded a deck chair? 

DAPHNE 

What time did you see her? 

NILES 

Lunch time, and then she had to run, appointment at the hairdressers I think she said. 

DAPHNE 

Oh right, I best get back to Roz, we're still trying to get that dye out of her hair. 

THEY KISS BEFORE DAPHNE RATHER HURRIEDLY EXITS AND MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN 

Have you got Eddie his water yet? Hey Niles. 

NILES 

Hi Dad. 

FRASIER 

No not yet I'll do it now before he dehydrates and wastes away to practically nothing. 

MARTIN 

You're the one… 

FRASIER 

Yes I know I'm the one who did it. 

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND POURS IT INTO EDDIE'S BOWL 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Keep it up much longer and I'll try the same thing with you, only it won't be a bus, it'll be a train. 

NILES 

Feeling stressed? 

FRASIER 

I can't take much more of this. What with the porn telethon going on under my roof, Roz blinding me with her head and having to run around after that dog all day long, I am literally at breaking point. 

NILES 

Oh come on Frasier it can't be that bad. 

FRASIER 

He can't go for a walk let alone the Dog Park. 

NILES 

So? 

FRASIER 

I have to hold him over the toilet. Now you may have a different interpretation but spreading a dogs legs above a toilet bowl is not my idea of fun. Especially when he's aim is poor at best. I had to throw out a four hundred-dollar pair of suede shoes this morning. 

NILES 

Then stop doing it. 

FRASIER 

I would but I just feel so guilty, and Dad just makes me feel ten times worse. Sometimes I swear he could almost be Jewish. 

NILES 

Then talk to him about it. 

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

NILES (CONT'D) 

Excuse me. (ON PHONE) Hello? Maris? Now Maris calm down. What happened? Oh my God. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT ON THE BED, BOTH WITH THEIR HAIR WRAPPED UP IN TOWELS. ROZ READS THE DIRECTIONS OFF A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO 

DAPHNE 

It's been driving me up the bleeding wall. Oh Maris looks so good, oh you should she her. Never mind how she treated him all those years, or the fact she's spreading rumours around that I'm a part time prostitute and can open a beer bottle with my bum cheeks. No she just looks stunning. But of course she would look stunning compared to a common forest troll from the slums like me. 

ROZ 

Oh Daphne, you're worrying too much about this. Firstly, Niles is just amazed at her weight loss that's all, I mean the woman practically had her own gravitational pull. Secondly, you know he loves you and remember he was in love with you while he was with her. And thirdly, there is absolutely nothing troll like about you. Not in this light at least. 

DAPHNE 

I know, if anyone's troll like it's you with this hair. You look like one of those little ones that school children put on their pencils. 

ROZ 

That's very funny. 

ENTER NILES

NILES 

Daphne what did you do to Maris? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing. 

NILES 

Fine I'll rephrase, what did you get your lunatic hairdresser to do to Maris? Roz I think you should leave. 

ROZ 

But I want to hear. 

NILES 

Roz! 

ROZ 

Fine I'm going, (SOTTO TO DAPHNE) fill me in later. 

EXIT ROZ

NILES 

How could you do this? 

DAPHNE 

I didn't do anything. I just told Sue what had been going on, I didn't expect her to do anything. What did she do? 

NILES 

She's bald Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Sue's been bald for years, she's waxes her head almost religiously. 

NILES 

No Maris is bald. Completely bald. Not a hair in sight. It's not funny. I've only just sorted this mess out with her, it's only going to make her retaliate. 

DAPHNE 

Oh fine go ahead take her side why don't you. 

NILES 

I'm not taking sides, I'm just amazed that you would do something so childish after I said I would take care of this. 

DAPHNE 

It was only to get my own back. After all with no hair I'm sure she's still looking 'absolutely fantastic.' 

NILES 

Oh my God you're jealous. 

DAPHNE 

No I'm not. 

NILES 

Yes you are. You're jealous of Maris. 

DAPHNE 

Can you blame me? All I've heard for the last week is 'Maris looks so good', 'she's stunning', how do you think that made me feel to hear you say that after she started advertising me as a prostitute, and especially as she's your ex-wife after all. 

NILES 

Daphne this is crazy. I only said those things because I was pleased that the woman I spent fifteen years of my life with wasn't likely to have a stroke from walking up the stairs. I do still care what happens to her even after what she did to me, after fifteen years how can you expect me to feel any different. But I love you. I was in love with you throughout the last six years of my marriage. I only went to see her in the first place to protect you. I love you. 

DAPHNE 

I'm so sorry. I've been acting like a complete berk haven't I? 

NILES 

I should have been more sensitive. Come here. 

THEY HUG 

DAPHNE 

Is she really bald? 

NILES 

Oh don't worry about it, the woman has a wig volt. If need be she'll shave one of the dogs and use that fur. 

DAPHNE 

She should draw rabbits on her head. 

NILES 

Why would she do a thing like that? 

DAPHNE 

Because from a distance they'll look like hares. 

NILES 

That is by far and away the worst joke I have ever heard. And remember I attend a wine club, the personality people of the world. They've told some real corkers in the past. Are you sure you're OK with this? 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine and I'm sorry for what I did. The whole situation just sent me a bit barmy. 

NILES 

Really? Well then I recommend you see a therapist. And I know just the one too. He's very thorough. 

DAPHNE 

I bet you do. 

THEY KISS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE NILES BREAKS AWAY LOOKING AT DAPHNE'S HAIR STICKING OUT FROM BENEATH THE TOWEL 

NILES 

Daphne, what did you do to your hair? 

DAPHNE 

Oh I got some shampoo off Sue that would get rid of that colour from Roz's hair. But she wouldn't use it unless I did. 

NILES 

Daphne I think you'd better take a look in the mirror. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER SITS ON THE COUCH HOLDING EDDIE AS MARTIN WATCHES CLOSELY. ROZ SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH 

DAPHNE 

(OFFSTAGE) Oh my God. 

ROZ 

What is he doing to her? 

FRASIER 

It's best not to think about it. It'll only conjure up images that you'll spend valuable time repressing later. 

MARTIN 

Don't hold him like that you'll hurt him. 

ROZ 

Right thirty minutes. It should be done. 

ROZ TAKES THE TOWEL OFF HER HEAD. INSTEAD OF HER HAIR BEING BLUE IT'S NOW A DARK SHADE OF GREEN 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

How does it look? 

MARTIN 

Definitely different. 

FRASIER 

Maybe you should take a look in the mirror. 

ROZ LOOKS IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR 

ROZ 

Oh my God. I'm going to kill that woman, she said it would get it out not make me look like Kermit the Frog in drag. 

FRASIER 

And this is the same woman who accidentally dyed it that colour in the first place? 

ROZ 

Alice is going to freak out even more when she sees this. She already cried twice this week when I went to pick her up from Mrs. Melvile's. Do you have any idea what's it's like to have you child want to spend time with a woman who uses her false leg as an umbrella stand than with you because you happen to have frightening hair? 

FRASIER 

Well no, I can't say I… 

ROZ 

Well look who I'm talking to, you don't even have hair. What am I going to do? 

FRASIER 

It's not so bad. Admittedly yes, it does have a certain Dr. Seuss, Grinch kind of quality but it still looks good none the less. I think it actually makes you look ten years younger. And you can accessorise with it, it'll work trust me. 

ROZ 

Oh yes it would be perfect if I was on a float for the St. Patrick's day parade, but I'm not, I'm a single mother trying to get a date. 

FRASIER 

It may have some real pulling power in a prison yard. 

ROZ 

The ideal place to find nice single men. Why don't I just try it out down the docks after dark? 

MARTIN 

Frasier will you be careful with him. 

FRASIER 

Dad he's fine. 

MARTIN 

Give him to me. 

FRASIER 

Roz will you give us a moment please? 

ROZ 

Is there any room in this apartment where I can go? 

FRASIER 

Yes Leprechaun's are permitted to hide their lucky charms in my room. Try washing it again. 

ROZ EXITS TO FRASIER'S ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Now Dad I have apologised obsessively in the last week, I have tendered to yours and Eddie's every need and it's still not good enough. I don't understand what else I'm supposed to do here. 

MARTIN 

That's right you don't understand how could you. 

FRASIER 

Dad will you talk to me please. 

MARTIN 

I just see this little guy getting hurt and ill and it just reminds me, he's getting old now, just like me, he's not going to be around much longer. 

FRASIER 

He wasn't hurt that badly, it looks a lot worse that it is. 

MARTIN 

I know, I know. It just scared me that's all. What am I going to do when he's gone? He's my buddy, he's my pal, who am I going to have to talk to? 

FRASIER 

You'll have me, I'm still here. And besides I don't break off a conversation mid-sentence to lick myself. Eddie's fine, he's still got years left in him. And shouldn't you be out enjoying yourself with the time he does have left not wrapping him in cotton wool so he doesn't hurt himself? 

MARTIN 

I guess. The whole thing just reminds me about how much time I've got left. 

FRASIER 

Oh now Dad, you're fine. You're not an old man, although you do act it from time to time. The truth is no one really knows how much time they have left. 

MARTIN 

I know. It's just something that I'm going to have to work through. 

FRASIER 

I mean Roz is likely to go before all of us with the amount of toxins she's had on her head in the past few days. Listen if you ever need to talk about this Dad, you know I'm here for you. And not just me, you have Niles and Daphne too. 

MARTIN 

I know. And don't feel too bad about Eddie. I did the same thing a few years ago. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

MARTIN 

Before you moved to Seattle I was having trouble with his lead wrapped around my cane, you know how it happens. 

FRASIER 

You've been putting me through hell this last week with the guilt and you've done it yourself? In that case I have a confession, it wasn't a bus. It was heavy goods truck. 

MARTIN 

Frasier! How could you do that he's just a little dog! Come one Eddie. 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM, EDDIE TRIES TO FOLLOW BUT HIS WHEEL GETS STUCK AND HE IS UNABLE TO MOVE 

FRASIER 

I probably shouldn't tell him that I dropped you down that manhole on the way to the vet's. We'll keep that just between us. 

AS FRASIER LOOSENS EDDIES WHEEL AND HE EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: ROZ, AT HOME, ONCE AGAIN WASHES HER HAIR WITH YET ANOTHER MAKE OF SHAMPOO TO TRY TO REMOVE THE COLOUR. WHEN SHE TAKES THE TOWEL OFF HER HEAD, IT'S NO LONGER GREEN, BUT NOW A SHADE OF YELLOW.   
  
  



	18. Episode Eighteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_To win an unlimited supply of Daphne's world famous, teeth shattering peanut brittle send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Eighteen   
Big Trouble In Little Nervosa 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'HOLD ON TO YOUR UNDERWEAR' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Kevin, Nick) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT NEAR THE COUNTER DRINKING THEIR COFFEE DURING WHICH NILES KEEPS STRETCHING OUT HIS ARM AND RUBBING HIS ELBOW 

FRASIER 

What's wrong with your elbow? Bursitis? Or have you been conducting your stereo rather violently again? Remember last time you were only inches away from setting fire to your fainting couch with that air borne candle. Not to mention and more importantly one would think, setting fire to Daphne. 

NILES 

To this day the smell of burning hair puts me in a romantic mood. Anyway no, I fell out of bed last night and landed on it. 

FRASIER 

You fell out of bed? Please don't tell me that you're that desperate to recapture your youth that you've actually purchased a bunk bed. This can only end in disaster. You're the only man I know who can loose control of his hand and eye co-ordination while climbing a ladder. 

NILES 

I fell out of Daphne's bed. 

FRASIER 

You're forty-two years old for goodness sake, what were you doing to fall out of bed? 

NILES 

Trust me you'll sleep easier with Daphne and I in the next room if you don't know. 

FRASIER 

Fair enough. 

ENTER ROZ WHO JOINS THEM AT THEIR TABLE 

ROZ 

Hi guys. So, Niles how's the elbow, you wildcat? 

NILES 

How do you know about that? 

ROZ 

Who do you think gave her the idea in the first place? I'll give you a clue it wasn't Eddie or her mother. 

NILES 

In that case this coffee's on me. Is there anything else you'd like? Six months rent paid, a BMW, a big screen TV? 

FRASIER ROLLS HIS EYES 

FRASIER 

As well as the enema he's currently giving you. Spare me, I don't want to know. 

ROZ 

Hey Frasier how are things going with Kim? 

FRASIER 

God only knows. 

ROZ 

That bad huh? 

FRASIER 

I mean that quite literally. God only knows. You see Kim has discovered her religious side. 

NILES 

That's not a bad thing. You should begin to worry when she discovers her schizophrenic, knife welding side. 

FRASIER 

Had another break though with one of your patients? 

NILES 

Yes and now she's been committed, is on the waiting list for a lobotomy and undergoes electro-shock therapy six nights a week. A job well done. Now on to your date. 

FRASIER 

Niles after one night with me, Kim decided to take a vow of chastity and become a Nun. Sorry make that sister Kimberly. I repel more women than that man up on fifth who displays his kidney in a mayonnaise jar. What is wrong with me? 

ROZ 

I'd love to answer that question in detail Frasier but I have to pick Alice up in about four hours. 

FRASIER 

Why don't I just admit it, I'll never have sex again. I should just have let Lilith cut it off and pickle it during the divorce for all the use I get from it. I might as well shave my head and join a monastery. 

ROZ 

Oh come on Frasier it won't come to that. 

FRASIER 

Do you really think so? 

NILES 

Of course, there'll be no need to shave your head, nature seems to have taken care of that for you. 

ROZ 

Anyway you can't tell me that Monk's don't get any. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

ROZ 

I just don't buy into this whole celibacy thing. 

FRASIER 

We've noticed Roz. You've gone out of your way to make sure that the one thing people can't call you is celibate. 

NILES 

Are you telling us that you've, you know, with a, you know? 

FRASIER 

Hopefully you'll be able to crack that cryptic code. 

ROZ 

No I haven't. In my opinion brown potato sacks and bowl haircuts aren't the biggest turn on. I'm more of your g-string wearing fireman kind of girl. 

NILES 

Shucks Frasier, we're both out of luck. 

FRASIER 

We don't need the image. Then what are you talking about? 

ROZ 

Are you telling me that they don't organise little booty call field trips? 

FRASIER 

No! Of course not. 

ROZ 

Why else are Monk's sworn to a vow of silence if they weren't trying to cover something up? 

NILES 

Because they're men of the cloth! 

ROZ 

You're living in a dream world. 

NILES 

You're living in a porn world. 

KEVIN AND NICK ENTER AND ORDER A COFFEE. BOTH ARE RATHER LARGE MEN AND EXTREMELY WELL DRESSED. THERE IS NO WHERE TO SIT SO THEY STAND AT THE COUNTER 

ROZ 

It's a natural urge. Why else do you see so many Nuns with chipped teeth? 

NILES 

Well maybe they drill. 

ROZ 

Oh they drill all right. Bye boys. 

ROZ EXITS WITH HER COFFEE 

FRASIER 

I've forgotten what we were even talking about. 

NILES 

Your pathetic love life. 

FRASIER 

Thanks for the reminder, the depression had almost left my system for a moment there, but now its back with vengeance and brought with it a overwhelming sense of foreboding. 

NILES 

You're my brother, you're always welcome. 

KEVIN AND NICK APPROACH THEIR TABLE 

NICK 

Have you guys finished with your table? 

FRASIER 

No not yet. 

KEVIN 

But you've drunk your coffee. 

FRASIER 

But we were just about to order another. 

NICK 

That's right, you were, now you're not. So off you go. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

KEVIN 

You heard him point dexter, beat it. And take your girlfriend here with you. 

NILES 

Are you referring to me? 

KEVIN 

Hey you've got something on your shirt there. 

NILES 

Where? 

THE MOMENT NILES LOOKS DOWN TO SEE WHAT'S ON HIS SHIRT, KEVIN FLICKS THE END OF HIS NOSE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Did you just flick me? 

KEVIN 

Yes, do you want me to do it again? 

NILES FLINCHES AWAY FROM HIM 

NILES 

No. 

FRASIER 

This is ridiculous. We are sitting here end of story. Find yourself another table. 

NICK 

Maybe you didn't hear us. Beat it. 

CLEARLY INTIMIDATED, FRASIER AND NILES GET OUT OF THEIR SEATS AND MOVE INTO THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA AS KEVIN AND NICK SIT DOWN 

NILES 

Frasier this is crazy, I'm not about to be bullied by these ruffians. I'm a grown man for heavens sake. 

FRASIER 

Well what are we going to do, flick them back? 

NILES 

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to walk back over there, stand tall, proud, ask for my briefcase back and then run like hell out of that door. 

FRASIER 

Oh and that will resolve the situation, by them seeing you run like some sort of demented chicken in heat. 

NILES 

You're the one who encouraged me to jump out of the window. 

FRASIER 

You were getting on my nerves, I just wanted to see you proved wrong. 

NILES 

And my getting a nearly full body cast would achieve that? 

NICK 

Are you two still here? 

KEVIN 

Are you just sticking around waiting for us to give you both a wedgey? Because if that's the case I don't mind indulging you. 

NILES WALKS BACK TO THE TABLE AND BENDS DOWN TO GET HIS BRIEFCASE 

NILES 

I just want to get my briefcase. 

KEVIN MAKES A SUDDEN GESTURE TOWARDS NILES CAUSING HIM TO JUMP OUT OF THE WAY, HOLDING ON TIGHT TO HIS TROUSERS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

You stay away from my underwear. 

THE WAITRESS BRINGS OVER NILES' CHANGE AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE 

WAITRESS 

Here's your change Sir. 

KEVIN TAKES THE CHANGE AND PUT IT IN HIS POCKET 

NILES 

Actually that's mine. Never mind. 

NICK PRETENDS TO LUNGE AT THEM WHICH CAUSES THEM BOTH TO RUN OUT THE DOOR AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Roz, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Niles, Eddie) 

DAPHNE RUSHES TO PUT HER KEY IN THE DOOR AS ROZ IMPATIENTLY JUMPS AROUND BESIDE HER 

ROZ 

Quick Daphne get that door open. 

DAPHNE 

OK quick go. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ RUSHES IN AS MARTIN AND EDDIE APPEAR FROM AROUND THE CORNER 

MARTIN 

Hi, what's wrong with Roz? She need the bathroom? 

DAPHNE, MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT INTO THE APARTMENT 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ SITS LOOKING THROUGH THE TELESCOPE AS MARTIN TAKES OFF EDDIE'S LEAD 

DAPHNE 

No, just the telescope. 

ROZ 

Just in time, he's on the treadmill. 

MARTIN 

Who's this? 

ROZ 

A body builder across the street with a pair of buns you could crack a walnut on. 

MARTIN 

You're spying on a body builder? 

ROZ 

I am not spying. If he's stupid enough to leave the blinds open when he's taking a shower it's his problem and my entertainment. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Oh dear God Roz not again. 

ROZ 

Oh what harm does it do? 

FRASIER 

Eventually it'll send you blind. 

ROZ 

Well you must look more than I do, because I didn't think he was big enough to reach all the way over here. But then again you did need a hobby. 

MARTIN 

What are you doing home so early anyway? 

FRASIER 

There was a little incident in Nervosa. 

ROZ 

What incident? 

NILES, WHO HAS BEEN LYING UNDER THE PIANO THE ENTIRE TIME, SHUFFLES FORWARD SO THAT HE IS IN VIEW FOR THE FIRST TIME, WHILE REMAINING IN THE SAFE ENVIRONMENT UNDER THE PIANO 

NILES 

We were bullied. 

MARTIN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM TRYING TO WORK OUT WHERE THE VOICE CAME FROM 

MARTIN 

Where did that come from? 

DAPHNE SEES HIM AND KNEELS DOWN BESIDE THE PIANO 

DAPHNE 

Oh Niles what are you doing under there? 

NILES 

It's safe under here. 

ROZ 

Oh my God, could you be anymore pathetic? 

MARTIN 

What happened? 

FRASIER 

A couple of guys, took our table and made us leave. 

MARTIN 

For God's sake your men not mice, why didn't you stand up for yourselves? 

NILES 

I tried to but he flicked my nose. 

DAPHNE 

Come on honey, out you come. 

NILES 

No, you come under here. I'll protect you from the dust bunnies. Except for that one, it seems to have some sort of wasp inside of it. 

MARTIN 

So they flicked and intimidated you and you just took it? 

FRASIER 

They took Niles' change from the coffee as well. 

ROZ 

So? 

NILES 

That was my lunch money. 

DAPHNE 

Oh honey come here. 

DAPHNE CRAWLS UNDER THE PIANO AND HUGS HIM 

MARTIN 

So you just ran out of there with your tails between your legs. 

NILES 

Well Frasier ran first. 

FRASIER 

I was only trying to get out of your way before you knocked me to the ground and trampled my head into the floorboards. 

NILES 

You're just in shock, you can still see the fear in your eyes. 

FRASIER 

That's because my brother is lying under a piano. 

ROZ 

Ooh he's got a friend. 

DAPHNE GETS OUT FROM UNDER THE PIANO AND RUSHES TO LOOK THROUGH THE TELESCOPE 

DAPHNE 

Let me look. My God he's as fit if not fitter than the other one. What do they put in the water over there? 

ROZ 

I don't know but you can be pretty sure they don't put the same thing in the water over here. 

NILES 

Should I be concerned that you've just abandoned me in my time of crisis to gawk at some body builder over the road? 

DAPHNE 

If you like. 

ROZ 

I think I've died and gone to hunk heaven. 

DAPHNE 

Oh dear Roz, I don't want to burst your bubble but… 

ROZ 

But what? 

DAPHNE 

I'm pretty sure they're not just good friends. 

DAPHNE MOVES AWAY FROM THE TELESCOPE AND SITS ON THE COUCH SO THAT ROZ CAN LOOK 

ROZ 

Let me look. Oh God, just when it looks as if I've got a promising relationship on the horizon, something just has to screw it up, like him being gay. 

MARTIN 

Are you sure he is? 

ROZ 

If he's not, that guy owes him a big apology. 

FRASIER 

And how was this a promising relationship, you spying on him through a telescope? 

ROZ 

We all have to start somewhere. And I like to start with seeing the other person naked first. 

NILES 

Have you ever considered seeking professional help? 

ROZ 

I'm not the grown man who's just been bullied and is now hiding under a piano. 

NILES CRAWLS OUT FROM UNDER THE PIANO 

NILES 

Fine, out I come. Are you happy now? 

FRASIER 

Well it looks as if we'll have to find ourselves a new place to meet in the afternoon. 

NILES 

It's not that easy just to move on. 

ROZ 

Crisis averted, I was just looking in the wrong window. My God how many muscle men live over there? I bet they have to include their chest measurements on their application forms. 

MARTIN 

Are you boys telling me that you're not going to go back to Nervosa because of these two? 

FRASIER 

I was thinking about it. 

MARTIN 

For God's sake grow a backbone, don't be intimidated by them. I thought we'd got past this after your run in with Derek Man. 

FRASIER 

And I have. Niles we are not going to be intimidated anymore. 

NILES 

We're not? 

FRASIER 

No we're not. We are not teenagers anymore, although at the moment you're acting like one. We are doctors and we will not be bullied. 

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH SUDDENLY PUFF THEIR CHESTS OUT AND STRUT AROUND THE ROOM 

NILES 

Suddenly I'm feeling a surge of testosterone. I have the uncontrollable urge to grab my crotch and spit on the carpet. 

ROZ 

I think I saw this scene in 'Grease'. 

DAPHNE 

I think you mean 'La Cage Aux Folles.' 

FRASIER 

I say we go back to Nervosa and we mark our territory. 

NILES 

Are you talking about urinating out doors? We may be men but we are not on a day release from prison. 

FRASIER 

I mean we make it known that, that place is our hangout and if they've got a problem with that, they know what they can do. 

NILES 

What's that? 

FRASIER 

Stick it in their pipe and smoke it. Because we're not afraid of anything. 

NILES 

Except insects. 

FRASIER GLARES AT NILES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

No we're not afraid of anything. And to prove it I might even get a tattoo on my chest, something really butch to let people know that I'm not to be messed with. 

ROZ 

Like 'mother' maybe? 

NILES 

Something like 'If you can read this I'm about to kick your butt. 

FRASIER 

That's right because we're really tough. Killing a grizzly bear with our bare hands kind of tough. 

NILES 

Crushing beer cans on your forehead kind of tough. 

MARTIN 

You struggle to open one without breaking a nail. 

FRASIER 

Right are you ready to go back to Nervosa? 

NILES 

No, they might still be down there. 

NILES CURLS UP IN A BALL ON THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS HEAD ON DAPHNE'S LAP 

FRASIER 

That's a good point. They might hurt us. 

MARTIN 

I give up with you two. I've seen bank robbing old ladies in electric wheelchairs put up a bigger fight then you two. Unless you stand up for yourselves this is going to continue to happen for the rest of your lives. And when you're in a retirement home and being tripped up with your own cane's by the bullies in the next room who have just stolen your teeth, I won't be there to reassure and comfort you. 

FRASIER 

When have you reassured or comforted us once today? 

MARTIN 

I asked you what happened didn't I? 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE STARTS TO STROKE NILES' HAIR 

DAPHNE 

Right now babe, let's try to cheer you up. Would you like some dinner? 

NILES SHAKES HIS HEAD NO 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Would you like a sherry? 

NILES AGAIN SHAKES HIS HEAD NO 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Some ice-cream? 

NILES LIFTS HIS HEAD 

NILES 

With chocolate sprinkles? 

DAPHNE 

I think I even have some cherries. 

NILES 

They're not the waxy sprinkles are they, because I don't like them? 

DAPHNE 

It's a pity really, you should have held out longer, me next suggestion was going to be an afternoon of heart-pounding, neighbours calling the Police, illegal in a hundred different countries and punishable by execution kind of sex, but ice-cream is a much better suggestion. 

NILES 

And you have a problem with doing both? 

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

If she mothered him anymore that relationship could almost pass as incest. 

ROZ LOOKS BACK INTO THE TELESCOPE 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh my God he dropped his towel! 

SHE JUMPS AS SHE SAYS THIS AND KNOCKS THE TELESCOPE WHICH JOLTS AND HITS HER IN THE EYE 

FRASIER 

Now that serves you right. I told you it would send you blind. And I now have a lovely cornea on the end of my telescope. 

FRASIER LOOKS THROUGH THE TELESCOPE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

But at least now I'll be able to view the world through Roz's eyes. Is everyone normally naked? 

AS ROZ SLAPS HIM AROUND THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MARIO'S WINE CELLAR — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Nick, Kevin, Clerk) 

FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN A WINE CELLAR SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF BOTTLES OF WINE, LOOKING TO PURCHASE THE PERFECT BOTTLE TO ACCOMPANY THEIR DINNER 

NILES 

This is a nice little Beaujolais Neuvo. 

FRASIER 

Maybe for dinner tonight. 

SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE

FRASIER ANSWERS HIS PHONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(ON PHONE) Hello? Oh Hi Dad. You're out of beer? Well what about that emergency can that you keep in the toilet cistern? The vegetable crisper? The storage space? The terrace? My God man how do you still have a working liver? I'm not going to the liquor store. We're buying wine. We can't buy beer here. I don't think they even sell beer here. 

NILES 

I think they have a few cans in the gag basket. 

FRASIER 

I'm not putting my hand in there. 

NILES 

There isn't a crocodile in there waiting to snap it off. 

FRASIER 

But someone might see me. 

NILES 

It's in the back of the store. 

FRASIER 

Haven't you ever heard of security cameras or a real person serving you at the cashier desk instead of an android? 

NILES 

My God Frasier it's not a crime. 

FRASIER 

Then you buy him a six pack. 

NILES 

I most certainly will not. I have a reputation in this town. 

FRASIER 

(ON PHONE) I'm not getting you any from here Dad. Oh all right, Dad, I'll stop by the liquor store. 

FRASIER HANGS UP HIS PHONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Now back to the wine. I saw a lovely little… 

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh for heavens sake. 

NILES TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND ANSWERS IT 

NILES 

(OH PHONE) Hello? Daphne my love, what can I do for you? I'm out selecting a wine with Frasier. You're at the Montana? I thought we were dinning with Dad and Frasier tonight. Oh really? 

A HUGE GRIN SUDDENLY CREEPS ACROSS NILES' FACE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(ON PHONE) Suddenly I'm no longer hungry. What do you want cookie dough for? Well that does sound… 

NILES MOUTH SUDDENLY DROPS OPEN AT THE SAME TIME AS HE LOOSES HIS GRIP ON THE WINE BOTTLE HE WAS HOLDING CAUSING IT TO SMASH AROUND HIS FEET 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(ON PHONE) That does...arouse...certain possibilities. 

FRASIER 

Niles, we're supposed to be purchasing some wine, not having phone sex. Give it to me. 

FRASIER TAKES THE PHONE AND IS SILENT FOR A MOMENT AS HE LISTENS 

FRASIER 

(ON PHONE) Daphne, its Dr. Crane. 

DAPHNE 

(OVER THE PHONE SHE SHOUTS) Oh my God. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND HANDS IT BACK TO NILES 

FRASIER 

She's a little embarrassed but she says she'll see you later. Now finally to the wine. 

NICK AND KEVIN ENTER

NILES 

Oh my God Frasier, quick hide, it's the bullies. 

FRASIER 

I'm not going to hide. Have you forgotten our discussion yesterday? We are going to stand up for ourselves. 

NILES 

Yes but that's when I was pumped with testosterone and adrenaline. I'm currently pumped with something that could almost be described as cowardly, cowardly custard. 

FRASIER 

What happened to the Niles who was going to grab hold of his crotch and spit on the floor? 

NILES 

He was arrested for indecent exposure and left me in his place. And I say let's run, run far, run fast. 

FRASIER 

Niles don't be ridiculous. We are not going to run like children. They're coming, quick hide. 

NICK 

Well lookie who we have here. 

KEVIN 

Where did you ladies run off to yesterday? 

NILES 

We had an appointment. 

NICK 

Where? 

KEVIN 

At the gynaecologists? 

NICK 

What have you got there? 

KEVIN TAKES THE BOTTLE OFF NILES 

KEVIN 

Beaujolais Neuvo? Wow, I think I'll enjoy that tonight. 

NILES 

But I was just about to buy that. 

KEVIN 

Not a problem, get another one. 

NILES 

That's the last one. 

KEVIN 

Then you're having a bit of hard luck aren't you? 

FRASIER 

Now just you see here, we are not about to be intimidated by you two. Now give back the bottle, leave us alone and we will forget this whole matter. 

NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO BREATHE VERY DEEPLY 

NICK 

Wow! Let me think...No. 

FRASIER 

You're acting like children and I will not participate in such juvenile activities. 

NILES 

Stand back Frasier, I have an idea. That's it, you've woken a raging ball of fire. 

NILES STRIKES A POSE FROM HIS KICK BOXING LESSONS 

KEVIN 

What the hell is this? 

NILES 

Prepare to meet my feet of fury. 

KEVIN AND NICK BOTH START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY 

FRASIER 

Niles what are you doing? 

NILES 

I'm frightening them. 

FRASIER 

You're frightening me. 

NILES 

I'm frightening myself. 

KEVIN 

See you later ladies. 

NICK AND KEVIN START TO WALK AWAY 

NILES 

Don't you dare walk away from me. 

FRASIER 

Niles just leave it. 

NILES 

I have been bullied my whole life, but this is it. No more, stand back. 

NILES DOES A ROUND-HOUSE KICK BUT COMPLETELY MISSES KEVIN AND NICK AND INSTEAD KICKS A STAND FULL OF BOTTLES OF WINE. THEY ALL COME CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND SMASH 

FRASIER 

What's your big plan now? 

NILES 

Quick run! 

NILES AND FRASIER RUN AND EXIT FROM THE STORE 

CLERK 

Come back here! I'm calling the Police. 

AS THE CLERK CHASES AFTER THEM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'SMALL TIME CROOKS' 

FADE IN: 

INT. PRISON CELL — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Officer, Martin, Daphne) 

FRASIER AND NILES ARE LOCKED IN A CELL AT THE VERY END OF A CORRIDOR. APART FROM THE GRAFFITI ON THE WALL, ALL THAT THE CELL CONTAINS IS A TOILET AND A VERY GRUBBY LOOKING BED. THEIR TIES AND BELTS HAVE BEEN TAKEN OFF THEM, AS WELL AS NILES' SUSPENDERS, RESULTING IN HIM HAVING A BATTLE TO HOLD HIS TROUSERS UP. THEY ARE HANDCUFFED TOGETHER, NILES' RIGHT ARM TO FRASIER'S LEFT. NILES STANDS ON THE BED CLINGING TO THE BARS AS FRASIER STRETCHES ACROSS THE ROOM 

FRASIER 

I can't reach it. 

NILES 

Of course you can. Stretch your leg out further. 

FRASIER 

If I stretch out any further I'll be one slip away from being a woman resulting in never being able to have any more children. And who am I to deny the world, future generations with my superior genes? 

NILES 

Oh like you're going to end up in a situation where that's even a remote possibility. You can't find a woman to have a drink with let alone procreate with. 

FRASIER 

Do you want me to kill the spider or not? I won't hesitate in picking it up and putting it down your neck. 

NILES 

You wouldn't dare. Now please squish it. 

FRASIER 

Then get down off the bed and stop acting like a little girl. 

NILES GETS DOWN OFF THE BED AND THEY MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE CELL WHERE FRASIER STAMPS HIS FOOT DOWN 

NILES 

You missed, it's coming this way. 

NILES JUMPS BACK UP ON TO THE BED AND CLINGS TO THE BARS PULLING FRASIER ALONG WITH HIM 

FRASIER 

Will you stop doing that! Have you forgotten everywhere that you go I have to go as well? 

NILES 

Like I could forget, it's like having a piece of dead wood attached to my arm. 

FRASIER 

Don't get snippy with me, this is all your fault. 

NILES 

Will you stop saying that! I've lost out the most from this. After all this is preventing me from having sex tonight not you. 

FRASIER 

Oh what's your problem, you have sex every night. To miss it once won't kill you. 

NILES 

You know it sounds even better when someone else says it. And why did they have to take my suspenders off me? If I bend down to pick up my trousers once more I'm going to pull a muscle. 

FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE BED, NILES DECIDES TO DO THE SAME UNTIL HE NOTICES A SERIES OF BROWN STAINS ON THE BED. HE THEN TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND PLACES IT ON THE BED 

FRASIER 

And where is Dad anyway? I thought he'd have been here by now to bail us out. Niles what are you doing? 

NILES 

This is Armani, I'm not going to sit down without something between my suit and these lovely brown stains. 

FRASIER 

You're obsessed you know that? 

NILES 

Well I'm sorry, but how do we know what that is. We're in prison not the Ritz it could be anything, and I can tell you one thing it's not sherry. 

AN OFFICER WALKS PAST THE CELL 

FRASIER 

It's just a brown stain. 

NILES APPROACHES THE OFFICER RESULTING IN BOTH THEIR ARMS BEING STRETCHED TO THE MAXIMUM 

NILES 

I don't care. Oh excuse me officer 

AS THE OFFICER STOPS NILES LOOSES HIS GRIP ON HIS TROUSERS AND THEY FALL TO HIS ANKLES 

OFFICER 

Is this some sort of bribe? 

NILES PICKS HIS TROUSERS BACK UP AGAIN 

NILES 

No, don't you have any cleaner cells for selected social elite guests? 

OFFICER 

Yeah sure, we have the royal suite. Just let me remove the tarnish off all the silver and we'll move you right in there. 

NILES 

Are you being sarcastic? 

OFFICER 

Maybe. 

THE OFFICER EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND NILES BEGINS TO PACE UP AND DOWN THE CELL, CAUSING FRASIER ARM TO WAVE BACK AND FORTH AS HE TAKES IT WITH HIM 

FRASIER 

Niles will you shut up. If they bring anyone else in here, the moment they hear you talking like this, they'll have you for breakfast. 

NILES 

I don't intend to be in here that long. 

FRASIER 

You may have a swimmers build but there is little to no chance that you'll fit through those bars, especially when I'm attached to you at the wrist. 

NILES 

We could use a spoon to dig our way out. 

FRASIER 

You won't even dig a houseplant. 

NILES 

That's because my freedom was never in doubt with a houseplant. 

FRASIER 

Stop over reacting, Dad will be here soon. And will you sit down! My arms swaying so much I feel like I'm conducting an orchestra. 

NILES STANDS STILL 

NILES 

Uh-oh. 

FRASIER 

Uh-oh what? 

NILES 

Frasier I need to use the bathroom. 

FRASIER 

Oh all right. No, wait. 

FRASIER STANDS AND THEN SITS BACK DOWN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

You're right handed aren't you? 

NILES 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

No chance. 

NILES 

What does that mean 'no chance'? 

FRASIER 

You're right handed, try to figure it out. 

NILES 

So? 

FRASIER 

Your right hand is handcuffed to my left hand and that's far too close for comfort. 

NILES 

Oh come on Frasier. 

FRASIER 

No! We may be in prison but once you start down that path, there is no turning back. 

NILES 

Well what do you expect me to do? 

FRASIER 

Hold it. 

NILES 

Oh and that's not going to draw attention from the other inmates. Why don't I just lather myself up with baby oil and squeeze into a leopard skin thong? 

FRASIER 

Oh dear God, I'm going to be having nightmares tonight. 

ENTER MARTIN NOT LOOKING AT ALL PLEASED ABOUT THIS SITUATION 

MARTIN 

Well I don't think I've ever been prouder. My two boys handcuffed together, locked in the same cell in my old precinct. God, why didn't you just hit me with a thunder bolt? 

FRASIER 

Thankyou so much for your support. 

ENTER DAPHNE WHO RUSHES TO THE BARS 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God, Niles. 

NILES 

Daphne! 

NILES TRIES TO RUN TO DAPHNE BUT AS FRASIER IS STILL SITTING AND NOT INTERESTED IN MOVING, NILES IS PULLED BACK AND SENT SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

If you wanted to go over there, why didn't you just ask instead of trying to pull my arm out of it's socket? 

NILES 

Frasier I want to go over there. 

FRASIER 

Say please. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

You're the one that got us arrested! 

NILES 

Pretty please Frasier. 

MARTIN 

Dear God I hope none of the boys are watching this. 

FRASIER GETS UP AND THEY BOTH WALK TO THE BARS. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY PUTS HER ARMS THROUGH THE BARS AND GRABS NILES BEFORE KISSING HIM 

DAPHNE 

What happened? Are you all right? 

NILES 

I'm fine. We were arrested. 

MARTIN 

Really? Well that's coming as a huge surprise because I'd never have guessed. I thought you were here to get ballet lessons. 

FRASIER 

Are you going to bail us out or are we to take permanent residence here? 

MARTIN 

They know we're here, but there's a bit of a backlog. That's why they've let us down here while we wait. Now what the hell happened? 

FRASIER 

We'd rather not discuss it if it's all the same with you. 

MARTIN 

Well I'm sorry for being rude, but when I'm called down here to bail you two out I think I'm entitled to an explanation. 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure you're all right? You look all hot and dirty. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

I am and the handcuffs are starting to chafe my wrists a little. And they tried to strip search me. I've never felt so violated in my life. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE 

Oh my poor baby, I'll make you feel all better later. 

THEY KISS 

FRASIER 

Will you two spare me the foreplay? 

MARTIN 

Now what happened? 

NILES JUMPS AND TRIES TO GET BACK ON THE BED 

NILES 

Oh my God the spiders back. Get it, get it. Never mind it's just a piece of lint. 

MARTIN 

(TO DAPHNE) He was dropped on his head as a child. 

DAPHNE 

Can we get to the point sometime soon? 

FRASIER 

I was just about to, before Little Miss Muffet here started shrieking. We were in Mario's buying some wine, when the bullies showed up again. They took the last bottle that we wanted, so I decided to confront them like a rational adult and get them to see reason and give it back. 

MARTIN 

That's not an arrestable offence. 

FRASIER 

Just as I could see hope on the horizon and my words were breaking through, Hong Kong Phooey here, suddenly decides now is the time to become a man and give them a good kicking. 

DAPHNE 

You're in here for GBH? 

NILES 

No, I missed. 

FRASIER 

That's right, he missed the men and instead attacked a rack full of Dom Perignon at five hundred dollars a bottle no less. 

NILES 

So we ran. 

FRASIER 

Until a group of little old ladies heard the store clerk yelling and tackled us to the ground. 

MARTIN 

And I'm already so proud of this story. 

ENTER OFFICER

OFFICER 

Hey Marty, we're ready. 

MARTIN 

I'll be right there. Come on Daphne. 

EXIT OFFICER AS DAPHNE KISSES NILES 

NILES 

Thanks Dad. 

EXIT MARTIN AND DAPHNE

FRASIER 

Of course you know we still haven't resolved this situation. It's just going to get worse after this latest incident. It won't be long before we'll be running out of Nervosa with the fire extinguisher down our trousers. 

NILES 

Then what exactly to we do? I've used my only option, and my feet of fury failed me at the last moment. 

FRASIER 

Did you notice how that one guy shares an uncanny resemblance to Nick Owen, from prep school? 

NILES 

I can't say I noticed. My vision was distorted by my burning rage. 

FRASIER 

Daphne can't hear you now, so you can stop trying to impress. If that was Nick from school, I think I have a plan. 

AS FRASIER STARTS TO TELL NILES HIS IDEA WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Jack, Hank, George, Nick, Kevin) 

FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE MARTIN AND ROZ SIT TOGETHER AT THE TABLE NEAREST THE WINDOW. ROZ IS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY 

FRASIER 

It's not funny. 

ROZ 

Are you kidding! I can't imagine you two doilies in prison. 

NILES 

Will you keep your voice down, we're hoping no one will find out about this. 

MARTIN 

You're not the only one. 

DAPHNE 

In that case then I probably shouldn't have told me mother. But on the upside all of me brothers are suddenly very proud of you. 

JACK ENTERS, A YOUNG MAN WITH AN INCREDIBLE BODY 

ROZ 

Oh my God he's here. 

MARTIN 

Who? 

ROZ 

That body builder from across the street, Jack. I happened to bump into him while I was hanging around on his apartment floor. 

FRASIER 

Something tells me that, it won't be the only time that you'll bump into him. 

NILES 

Some people may call that stalking. 

ROZ 

Some people may call you a man. So anyway I invited him down here to have coffee. 

ROZ WALKS OVER TO JACK AND THEY SIT BY THE COUNTER 

DAPHNE 

He is pretty I'll give her that. 

NILES LOOKS OVER AT JACK, JEALOUSY IN HIS EYES 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh don't pull that face, it was only a comment, I'm not going to sling shot me knickers at him. 

NILES 

Yes, you can just leave that to Roz. 

MARTIN 

What was that prison movie when they dug a tunnel? 

DAPHNE 

The Great Escape. 

MARTIN 

Yeah, but that was a concentration camp not a prison. 

DAPHNE 

What's the difference? 

MARTIN 

Several hundred Nazi's to begin with. 

DAPHNE 

Not if you're in Germany. 

MARTIN 

The ideal vacation spot. 

FRASIER 

Escape from Alcatraz had a tunnel. 

DAPHNE 

I think they drug that with a spoon. 

NILES 

See I told you it wasn't such a stupid idea. 

MARTIN 

You won't even dig a houseplant let alone a tunnel. 

NILES 

I'm beginning to realise that, yes. 

FRASIER LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW 

FRASIER 

Niles don't look now the bullies are here. 

THEY ALL TURN TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I said don't look. 

MARTIN 

But only to Niles. 

DAPHNE 

Where? 

MARTIN 

You mean those little girls playing jump rope? 

NILES 

No the big men who have just kicked that pigeon. 

MARTIN 

Well don't get in a tizzy about it. 

FRASIER 

That's right there's no need. We have Roz's body building friend over there if anything happens. 

DAPHNE 

Who are those Gents with them? 

MARTIN 

Hey I know those guys, I drink down at McGinty's with them. Hank and George I think. I wonder what they're doing with your bully friends. 

FRASIER 

This is where we see if our plan has worked. 

MARTIN 

What plan? 

NILES 

Wait and see. 

ENTER HANK, GEORGE, NICK AND KEVIN

HANK 

Now where are they? 

KEVIN 

Over here. 

FROM THIS MOMENT NICK AND KEVIN STARE AT THEIR SHOES LIKE A COUPLE OF NAUGHTY SCHOOL CHILDREN 

GEORGE 

Oh yes now I remember. Hey Martin right? From McGinty's? 

MARTIN 

That's right. Hi, how you doing. 

MARTIN SUDDENLY REALISES THAT FRASIER AND NILES TOLD THEIR DAD'S AND GOES RED FROM THE EMBARRASSMENT 

HANK 

Now these are the boys? 

NICK 

Yes. 

HANK 

Haven't you got something that you want to say? 

THERE IS A LONG BEAT, BROKEN BY HANK SMACKING KEVIN AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD 

KEVIN 

I'm sorry, I picked on you. I was mean and it'll never happen again. 

HANK 

Anything else? 

THERE IS ANOTHER LONG BEAT, BROKEN BY HANK GRABBING HOLD OF KEVIN'S EAR AND TWISTING IT 

KEVIN 

Ow! Dad stop it. Here's your change from your coffees. 

KEVIN GIVES NILES BACK HIS CHANGE 

HANK 

That's a good boy. 

GEORGE 

And you haven't you got anything to say? 

NICK 

Sorry. 

FRASIER 

Apologises excepted. 

HANK 

Now we don't want anymore trouble out of you two. You leave these boys alone from now on, do you here me? 

KEVIN 

Yes Sir. 

NICK 

Yes Sir. 

GEORGE 

Sorry about this Martin. Kids huh! 

MARTIN 

Tell me about it. Some times they do something so embarrassing, you just want to string them up in a potato sack and beat them with a stick. 

HANK 

Bye. 

HANK AND GEORGE EXIT

NICK 

I can't believe you told our Dad's on us! 

KEVIN 

If he weren't going to take my Sea Hawks tickets off me I'd beat you into the ground. 

VERY COCKILY NILES AND FRASIER GET UP FROM THE TABLE AND STAND IN FRONT OF NICK AND KEVIN, OCCASIONALLY KNOCKING THEIR TIES 

FRASIER 

But you can't touch us! 

NILES 

Yes what are you going to do now, big bully boys? 

NICK 

We can't touch you, but it doesn't mean someone else can't. 

FRASIER 

Ooh now I'm really scared. 

KEVIN 

Jack come here. 

JACK 

Excuse me Roz, I have to go and deal with a bit of business. 

JACK, WHO TOWERS OVER FRASIER AND NILES, GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND STANDS WITH NICK AND KEVIN 

JACK (CONT'D) 

Are these the guys who told on you? 

NICK 

That would be them. 

FRASIER 

Ah yes indeed we did tell on them, but in the nicest possible way. 

JACK 

How about we step outside. 

DAPHNE 

Should we do something? 

MARTIN 

I'm an old man with a cane, what do you want from me? 

DAPHNE 

Have you got your cell phone so I can call a couple of ambulances? 

MARTIN 

That's not a bad idea, I may die from embarrassment. 

NILES 

My God Grandma what lovely big muscles you have. That was a joke. We're actually friends of Roz's over there. My brother works with her. But I can tell you're not actually interested. Which leaves me no other alternative. 

FRASIER 

Oh please Niles, not the feet of fury. 

NILES 

No, look your shoes untied. 

JACK LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SHOES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Quick run. 

FRASIER AND NILES RUN FROM NERVOSA FOLLOWED BY JACK, NICK AND KEVIN

MARTIN 

Now I can add McGinty's to my list of places I can no longer go, like my old precinct and this place. 

ROZ WALKS BACK OVER TO THEIR TABLE 

ROZ 

What the hell happened there? 

DAPHNE 

Don't ask. 

ROZ 

OK, anyone want another coffee? 

AS ROZ GETS ANOTHER COFFEE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'FIGHT CLUB' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Niles, Frasier) 

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER BOTH OUT OF BREATH AND SWEATING 

NILES 

Lord knows how we managed to outrun him. 

FRASIER 

That little old lady that you pushed over and knocked into his path may have had something to do with it. 

NILES 

Oh she was fine. 

FRASIER 

Yes, other than needing a hip replacement. 

NILES 

She was smiling. 

FRASIER 

Rather her teeth were, but unfortunately they were on the sidewalk not in her mouth. Do you ever wonder why we always run from these situations? 

NILES 

Because I had visions of him sitting on top of me and banging my head repeatedly on the concrete. And I don't particularly want one side of my head flatter than the other thankyou very much. 

FRASIER 

I mean, this wouldn't have happened if we had stood up for ourselves at the very beginning. 

NILES 

That's the beauty of hindsight. 

FRASIER 

I still put it down to a fear of being punched. We're afraid to be hurt, so we run away from any situation that makes it a possibility. 

NILES 

That's an interesting theory. 

FRASIER 

I don't think we've ever actually been punched before. 

NILES 

Are you forgetting I attend kick boxing classes? 

FRASIER 

A seven thousand-dollar bill from that rack of wine you attacked, springs to mind, so I'll have to say no I haven't forgotten. But they never actually touch you in those classes. 

NILES 

Yes they do. 

FRASIER 

Niles, Daphne's told me about them, if you're not backing away up a wall, you're rolling up into a ball on the floor. 

NILES 

What's your point? 

FRASIER 

I think we need to get hit once, so we're not afraid anymore. 

FRASIER TAKES OFF HIS JACKET AND ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVES 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

Come on hit me. 

NILES 

I most certainly will not. I am a psychiatrist. 

FRASIER 

What does that have to do with anything? Now come on hit me. 

NILES 

No! 

FRASIER MAKES A FIST AND WALKS TOWARDS NILES WHO IMMEDIATELY BACKS AWAY 

FRASIER 

Then I'll hit you first, then you'll have to hit me back. 

NILES RUNS BEHIND THE COUCH 

NILES 

You stay away from me. Frasier I mean it. Don't make me unleash my feet of fury. 

FRASIER 

You can't even unleash Eddie. Now come here, let me hit you. Just on the side of the head, where no one will see it. 

NILES 

No, I have delicate features, my head will crack like a porcelain doll hitting the sidewalk. 

FRASIER 

It'll be beneficial. 

NILES 

Of course it will, I don't use my health plan nearly enough. And look at how long your nails are. They'll scratch my face to pieces. 

FRASIER 

Won't it make Daphne proud of her man to see him with a scar? 

NILES 

You had me right up until scar. 

FRASIER 

Niles, just come here. 

NILES 

I'm warning you, I'll sue. 

FRASIER 

I'm not going to batter you to death, just punch you once in the head. 

NILES 

And that's supposed to convince me to let you do it? 

FRASIER 

Just come here. 

NILES RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY FRASIER STILL MAKING A FIST 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) No! Frasier, back away. Frasier! 

ALL GOES QUIET AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND NILES BOTH SIT AT THE TABLE WITH BAGS OF FROZEN VEGETABLES COVERING ONE OF THEIR EYES. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND LIFTS UP BOTH BAGS TO HAVE A LOOK, TO REVEAL THAT THEY BOTH HAVE BLACK EYES. 


	19. Episode Nineteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Big thanks to Mindy for my Spanish lessons and to everyone else who offered to help. _

_To stand a chance of winning a full massage given by the character of your choice, send feedback to this address kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Nineteen   
That Sinking Feeling 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – EVENING – DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Eddie) 

NILES AND FRASIER SIT AT THE DINNING TABLE WITH SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER SCATTERED ABOUT ON THE TABLE, INCLUDING A VERY LARGE PLAN. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS DOWN WITH THEM. EDDIE LIES UNDER THE TABLE 

NILES 

I have it shortened down to either the salmon or the crab. 

DAPHNE 

Oh are you serving food? 

NILES 

I think it's the best idea, after all that wine, we tend to have a few casualties' falling overboard. Judge Rhineholt spent an hour holding onto that rope hanging off the back of the boat last year before anyone realised that he was missing. But by that time the vast majority of people had stopped sipping and spitting, had started to drink the wine from beer mugs and were lying on their backs with the wine bottles stuck on their toes singing selected Tom Jones classics, so it took even longer to find him. 

FRASIER 

In my humble opinion I'd have to say the salmon it... 

NILES 

(CUTTING HIM OFF) Excuse me, what are you doing? Who is the cork master? 

FRASIER 

That would be you. 

NILES 

Who wears the sash? 

FRASIER 

Sorry I forgot that you were ruler over every alcohol induced grape product on the planet. I'm surprised you haven't written a wine bible with the ten wine commandments. Thou shalt not dribble thy wine. Thou shalt not spit wine into thy brother's eye when he is only trying to help thou. 

NILES 

So who is organising the spring tasting? 

FRASIER 

I have to tell you how pointless this game is. Fine if you don't want any help, I won't interfere. 

NILES 

Daphne what do you think salmon or crab? 

DAPHNE 

Ooh the salmon definitely. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN WITH AN EMPTY COFFEE CUP 

FRASIER 

I don't believe this, Daphne's not even a member of the wine club, give me one reason why she can help and I can't? 

NILES 

I would but it'll only make you blush and very, very envious. And green's just not your colour. Oh fine, you can help me. 

ENTER MARTIN FROM HIS ROOM AND JOINS THEM AT THE TABLE 

MARTIN 

What are you guys doing? 

ENTER DAPHNE WITH A FRESH CUP OF COFFEE 

NILES 

Organising our annual spring tasting for the wine club. 

EDDIE BEGINS TO RUB HIMSELF UP FRASIER'S LEG AND FINALLY STARTS TO MOUNT IT 

FRASIER 

Dad will you do something with Eddie? 

MARTIN 

What's your problem? 

FRASIER 

He's trying to hump my leg again. 

NILES 

Well don't fight it. Or try to kick him off that just encourages him and gets his blood up. 

DAPHNE 

(TO NILES) I've noticed the same thing with you. 

FRASIER 

He doesn't know a thing about foreplay he just attacks me. 

NILES 

He's obviously been spying on you and your dates. 

MARTIN 

What do you want me to do about it? 

FRASIER 

Get him to stop it. I'm living in constant fear of touching anything in this apartment, in case it's one of his latest and freshest conquests. 

DAPHNE 

And I'll never be able to wear that angora sweater again. Not without boiling it first anyway. 

MARTIN 

It's just a phase he'll grow out of it. 

FRASIER 

That's what we said with Niles but he hasn't. 

DAPHNE 

And fortunately I'm reeking the benefits. 

FRASIER 

There must be something we can do. 

DAPHNE 

We can't very well take him to the vet's again. They're not going to want to sow them on just to cut them back off again. I can't imagine they'd see a lot of point in that. 

FRASIER 

Well you never know. 

MARTIN 

I don't keep them in a Mason jar under the sink with my can of spray cheese you know. I was always worried you might mistake them for a couple of meatballs and eat them when I wasn't looking. 

FRASIER 

Well that's one thing I'll never eat again. But I thought that removing certain elements would stop this from ever happening. That's why we did it in the first place. 

MARTIN 

Well Maris removed Niles' during the divorce and he still does all right. 

NILES 

Hey! 

DAPHNE 

I'll vouch for that. 

MARTIN 

Eddie come here. Are you happy now? 

MARTIN MOVES TO HIS CHAIR AS EDDIE LEAVES FRASIER ALONE AND JUMPS ON TO MARTINS LAP 

FRASIER 

Oh yes, now suddenly I don't feel at all violated. 

NILES 

Can we get back to the spring tasting? 

MARTIN 

Well you know if you want somewhere to hold it, McGinty's just had the extension refurbished in the style of a jungle safari. After dinner you get attacked by a group of Pigmy's blowing rubber darts. And they really sting if they catch you right. They even have the chairs made out of stuffed animals. Depending on where you sit, you can have the entire meal with a rhino horn stuck between your legs. It's great. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure Freud would have a lovely time interpreting that one. But unless one of the animals happens to be Eddie, I think we'll pass. 

NILES 

Anyway Dad, we already have a venue. We always hold it on a ferry in the middle of Puget Sound. 

MARTIN 

Not a problem, McGinty's had his upstairs kited out like a pirate ship. There's even a plank you can walk into a big barrel of beer. They even have ocean noises playing behind the bar. 

DAPHNE 

What a dilemma, choosing between actually being on the water or just merely pretending to. At least it'll avoid seasickness. 

FRASIER 

Yes the only thing that will induce vomiting is the menu. 

MARTIN 

Half of those guys won't know the difference anyway when they've got a bottle of wine down them. 

NILES 

You don't actually drink the wine. Well you're not supposed to anyway, but there are a few rebel members who take the opportunity to increase their chances of needing a new liver by the time they reach the dock. 

FRASIER 

You just taste it and spit it out. 

MARTIN 

It's just an overpaid persons spitting contest. Fortunately I've been practising my aim so I won't embarrass you. I can get my beer back in the can without dribbling it down my chin. 

NILES 

(SURPRISED) Oh you want to come? 

MARTIN 

I am your father, I thought I'd be an automatic choice. 

FRASIER 

But you're not a member of the wine club. 

MARTIN 

Oh fair enough, I wouldn't want you to break a law. God forbid you'd be locked up in a tower and beheaded in front of a crowd spitting wine at you. I'm sure these laws are set in stone for all eternity. 

NILES 

Dad are you upset. 

MARTIN 

(SULKING HE BURIES HIS HEAD BEHIND HIS PAPER) No. 

DAPHNE 

I was thinking I might wear that purple dress you bought me for Christmas. What do you think? 

FRASIER 

Oh are you two going out somewhere special tonight? 

DAPHNE 

No I meant to the spring tasting. 

MARTIN 

Wait a minute, how come Daphne can go but I can't. 

NILES 

Once again I'd tell you but it would make you blush and very, very envious. Oh all right Dad, you can go. 

MARTIN 

(CHILDISHLY) I don't want to go. 

FRASIER 

Dad, stop being a baby, if you want to go, go. 

MARTIN 

(EXCITED) Right now all I have to do is dig out my old shark skin suit. 

DAPHNE 

(SOTTO) Why the sudden interest in the spring tasting. 

MARTIN 

(SOTTO) Free alcohol, why else? 

NILES 

Which reminds me actually Daphne. We'll have to make sure that we've got your Green Card with us on the boat. 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

NILES 

The head of the immigration board will probably be in attendance this year again and the man is insane and incredibly anal retentive when it comes to his job. 

FRASIER 

Do you remember last year he tried to get Senator Rafter deported? The man had lived in America since he was three years old for God's sake. 

FRASIER STARTS TO WRITE ON THE PLAN 

NILES 

He's a bit of a control freak. It just shows you what happens when a person gets too much power and it goes to their heads. (SHOUTS) Just hold on right there. I am the cork master. I choose the table arrangements. 

NILES TAKES THE PEN OFF FRASIER AS EDDIE STARTS TO RUB HIMSELF UP THE OTTOMAN 

MARTIN 

It won't be long before he's trying to take over the world. 

FRASIER 

Dad, get Eddie off the ottoman. 

DAPHNE 

Remind me never to sit there ever again. 

AS MARTIN CALLS EDDIE AWAY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'SALMON-CHANTED EVENING' 

FADE IN: 

EXT. COVERED END OF DECK OF FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Archie, Man) 

THE OUTSIDE DECK IS COVERED IN FAIRY LIGHTS MAKING IT GLOW. THERE ARE TABLES ALL THE WAY AROUND THE EDGE FILLED WITH WINE. IN THE FAR RIGHT IS A BAND THAT PLAYS QUIETLY THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT. TO THE LEFT BEFORE THE ENTRANCE INSIDE IS A COVERED AREA. AT EITHER END ARE TABLES WITH PLATTERS OF FOOD BEING KEPT COLD BY ICE SCULPTURES. SEVERAL WAITERS PREPARE THE WINE, AS MANY PEOPLE FROM THE WINE CLUB MILL AROUND THE FERRY. FRASIER IS TO THE RIGHT TALKING TO THE CAPTAIN. NILES SITS UNDER THE COVERED AREA WITH DAPHNE MASSAGING HIS SHOULDERS. 

DAPHNE 

Niles honey, if you don't un-tense soon you're going to break my fingers. And then I'll have to nut you. 

NILES 

I'm going to take that as having no sexual meaning. I'm sorry, I just can't believe how this evening is turning out already and the boat hasn't even left the dock yet. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sure those sailors didn't mean to flash you. It was just a mistake, they actually meant to flash me. 

NILES 

And that's supposed to make me feel better? We're going to have a major wine crisis on our hands by the end of the evening. 

DAPHNE 

So, they've delivered a few bottles of the wrong wine. What's the big deal? 

NILES 

They've sent me two crates of white Zinfandel. 

DAPHNE 

So? 

NILES 

Who in their right mind drinks white Zinfandel? Why didn't they just bring me two crates of Mountain Dew and chocolate soda? 

FRASIER APPROACHES

DAPHNE 

Niles calm down. Oh am I glad to see you. Dr. Crane will you help calm him down before he becomes certifiable. 

FRASIER PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF WINE AND INSPECTS THE LABEL 

FRASIER 

I think we missed that boat a few years ago. Now Niles what's the problem? Huh, Oh my God, white Zinfandel, what were you thinking? 

NILES PICKS UP A BOTTLE TO CHECK THE LABEL 

NILES 

That's not what I ordered. On no, look at this. The Chateau Certair, it was supposed to be the seventy-five not the seventy-seven. I'll be black listed, they'll never let me in the wine club again. They'll strip me of my cuspidor and insert it somewhere about my person very uncomfortable. I'll spend the rest of my life sitting on an inflatable cushion. 

DAPHNE 

Oh stop over-reacting. Just get them plastered on everything else first and they won't be able to tell the difference between the wine you wanted and sucking a damp sock. 

FRASIER 

In other words actually drinking a white Zinfandel. 

NILES 

I guess you're right. 

FRASIER NOTICES SOMEONE DOWN THE OTHER END OF THE BOAT 

FRASIER 

Niles is that Nancy Myers? 

NILES 

I think it is. 

DAPHNE 

Goodness look at the size of that woman's teeth. 

FRASIER 

That's who we are talking about. 

DAPHNE 

She looks like some sort of antique can opener. 

FRASIER 

At least it takes the focus off her toupee. 

NILES 

Well it would if it didn't lean to one side. 

FRASIER 

She has to do that to cover her lazy eye. 

DAPHNE 

Talk about an escapee from a freak show, all she needs is a beard and we could pitch a tent and have had the entertainment right there. 

NILES 

She had to shave it off after it got caught in the pasta machine while hosting a dinner party. As cork master I suppose I must welcome her. Why Nancy you lovely thing. 

NILES MOVES TO THE OPEN END OF THE BOAT AS MARTIN APPROACHES WITH EDDIE

MARTIN 

Hi guys. 

DAPHNE 

Hello Mr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Hi Dad, Eddie. (IN DISBELIEF) Eddie? Dad why have you brought Eddie? 

MARTIN 

He likes the water. 

FRASIER 

But this is a wine tasting not a swimming party at a water hole. How are people supposed to stand a chance in the blind taste off with the smell of a dog wafting up their noses? 

MARTIN 

Oh come on. He won't cause any problems. 

FRASIER 

Especially when I throw him overboard. 

DAPHNE 

I'll be back in a flash, I think I'd better sedate Niles before he sees our furry friend here. 

DAPHNE MOVES TOWARDS NILES 

FRASIER 

Well you'd better keep that horny hound from hell under control. 

MARTIN 

What do you think he's going to do? Get drunk, take control of the boat and crash it into the lighthouse on Mercer Island? 

ENTER ROZ AND ARCHIE (ARCHIE IS A RATHER ELDERLY GENTLEMAN) ON TO THE DECK 

FRASIER 

Exactly. 

MARTIN 

Did you invite Roz? 

FRASIER 

No I didn't, this event isn't exactly her milieu. 

MARTIN 

Well she's standing right over there. 

FRASIER 

She's what? Roz? What are you doing here? 

ROZ APPROACHES 

RESET TO: 

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE HAS FINALLY GOT NILES ALONE AND WHISPERS IN HIS EAR 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Oh my God! 

RESET TO: 

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ALL TURN TO LOOK AT NILES BEFORE CONTINUING THEIR CONVERSATION 

ROZ 

My date brought me. 

FRASIER 

Who on earth are you possibly dating from the wine club? 

ARCHIE APPROACHES AND WRAPS HIS ARM AROUND ROZ 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Archie why hello, it's nice to see you. 

ARCHIE 

Hello Crane. 

FRASIER 

Well what are you two kids doing together? 

ARCHIE 

Having sex mostly Crane. 

MARTIN 

OK more than I want to hear. 

MARTIN MOVES DOWN THE OPEN END OF THE FERRY

FRASIER 

So how long have you two been dating? 

ROZ 

Just a couple of weeks. 

ARCHIE 

If you'll excuse me, I must go and choke the old snake. 

ARCHIE EXITS INSIDE 

FRASIER 

Charming, with such clarity and concision that was almost pure poetry. I can see why you're drawn to him. The man is a terrible old leach, what are you doing with him? 

ROZ 

I'll admit he's a little older than the guys that I normally go for, but one look at... 

FRASIER 

His bank balance and his medical history? 

ROZ 

No that never entered into it. One look at how wonderful he is with Alice and I knew I just wanted to spend time with him. Alice loves him. 

FRASIER 

I'm not surprised, she probably feels superior to him. After all she's been able to eat her food without gumming it for some time now. One unfortunately timed surprise and he's going to be flat on his back. 

ROZ 

No actually that's me. 

FRASIER 

Are you telling me that the thought hasn't passed through your mind, that once his will has been changed to your name, you could hide behind a mirror, jump out at the right moment and his fortune would be yours? 

ROZ 

Frasier what kind of person do you think I am? 

FRASIER 

Roz? 

ROZ 

Oh all right, it had crossed my mind, but I wasn't going to do it. The last thing I want is a stiff one on my hands. 

FRASIER 

Since when? 

RESET TO: 

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

NILES HANGS ONTO THE RAILING ON THE BACK OF THE FERRY FOR DEAR LIFE AS HE BREATHES VERY HEAVILY AS DAPHNE JUST WATCHES HIM 

NILES 

What has he brought Eddie for? How could he mistake wine tasting with dog grooming? I knew something like this would happen. 

DAPHNE 

Niles if you don't stop hyperventilating, I'm going to have to mace you. 

A SEAGULL LANDS ON THE TABLE OF FOOD AND STARTS TO PECK AT ONE OF THE WHOLE SALMON'S THAT ARE THERE JUST FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES. 

NILES 

Oh my God! Shoo, go on get away. 

THE SEAGULL FLIES AWAY 

DAPHNE 

Bloody seagulls. Oh no, the salmon. Well maybe no one will notice. It doesn't look too bad. 

NILES 

Only if the servers poke everyone in the eye with a sharp stick before feeding them. 

DAPHNE 

Maybe we can patch it back up again. 

NILES 

With what? I left my emergency salmon sowing kit at home, I didn't think I'd need it. Anyway we can't keep it here. Lord knows what sort of diseases that thing had. 

DAPHNE 

Will you stop being such a bloody clean freak. I'll scrub you down with disinfectant and a loofer when we get back. 

NILES 

Is that a threat or a promise? 

DAPHNE 

Honey, now is neither the time nor the place. We have to dispose of it somehow. It's not particularly appetising to see a half-eaten dead fish, with an eye hanging on a thread, next to the hors d'oeuvre. 

NILES 

You're right. 

DAPHNE 

Why have you got whole dead salmon on there for anyway? Were we supposed to bring a pocket-knife and a Bunsen burner if we wanted any of that one, rather than the ones on the crackers? 

NILES 

Since I'm serving salmon I thought it might make a nice table decoration. 

DAPHNE 

A dead fish is a nice table decoration? Did you get that idea off Martha Stewart? Well thank God you didn't decide to serve roast beef. I can just imagine a dead cow with its tongue lolling out lying across the table. 

NILES 

I have an idea. Make sure no one is watching. I return you to the sea, in almost original condition. 

DAPHNE 

He'll just be so happy to be home that he won't care he's skinless not to mention boneless and eyeless and dead. 

NILES THROWS THE SALMON OVERBOARD OFF THE BACK OF THE FERRY 

NILES 

Problem taken care of. 

DAPHNE 

May I recommend you don't handle the wine problem the same way? The last thing we need is a bunch of fish floating in our wake that have been clubbed to death. 

MAN 

(OFFSTAGE ON THE DOCK) Why don't you watch what you're doing you jerk! 

NILES 

I am so sorry, I didn't see you. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) He didn't mean to do it. It'll serve you right for relieving yourself up a boat in the first place you dirty bleeder. Have you never heard of using a bog? 

NILES 

Daphne can you not make him angrier. He's twice my size. 

DAPHNE 

Most school children are twice your size. (SHOUTS) Just because you look like a complete and utter pratt doesn't mean you have to act like one as well. 

NILES 

(NERVOUSLY) Daphne, please be quiet before you get me killed. 

DAPHNE 

Oh look the sailors are back. 

NILES COVERS HIS EYES AS DAPHNE'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN 

NILES 

I didn't need to see that. 

DAPHNE 

OK that time they were flashing you. 

AS NILES TURNS DAPHNE AROUND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Captain, Rhineholt, Waiters, Eddie) 

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND UNDER THE COVER DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE. A GROUP OF SEAGULLS ARE PERCHED ON THE COVER WATCHING THE FOOD 

NILES 

I don't like the way those seagulls are perched up there. Shouldn't they have flown off by now? That one's giving me the evil eye. 

DAPHNE 

Oh will you relax. I promise I won't let them peck you to death. 

FRASIER CROSSES TO THEM LOOKING RATHER CONCERNED 

FRASIER 

Niles, how well do you know the captain of this ferry? 

NILES 

I don't, it may come as a surprise but we don't attend the same social functions. I'm illegible to enter all peg-leg competitions, as you know my bird died a few years ago and I've had bad experiences with eye patches. 

FRASIER 

Don't remind me. The man is hitting on me. He's all over me like a rash. 

NILES 

You must be mistaken. 

FRASIER 

It's hard to mistake the meaning when he's trying to put his tongue down my ear. He was practically trying to tie a knot in my ear canal. Short of getting down on one knee and declaring his undying devotion I don't think his message could be any clearer. 

DAPHNE 

Good lord, really? 

FRASIER 

Do you think I would make this up? Oh no he's looking this way, hide me. 

FRASIER HIDES BEHIND THEM 

DAPHNE 

What's your problem he's quite nice looking? 

FRASIER 

I may not have been out with many woman lately but my ultimate goal is still the same. I haven't switched sides. 

NILES JUMPS UP AND TAPS THE COVER TO SCARE THE BIRDS 

NILES 

Get off there. 

DAPHNE 

Niles, you are fixated on these birds. 

NILES 

Well they're looking at me. 

DAPHNE 

Begin to worry when they've pecked your eye out. 

FRASIER 

Hello? What about me? 

NILES 

Frasier just tell him that you're not interested and that's the end of it. 

FRASIER 

It's not that simple, the man finds me irresistible. 

NILES 

The man's obviously delusional then. We should have him committed immediately for his own safety. 

FRASIER 

He was feeling my rear end. Do you have any idea how hard it is to spit straight when your buttocks are being squeezed like he's checking the ripeness of a melon in a supermarket? 

NILES 

Just relax will you. 

FRASIER 

Well you've certainly changed your tune, you were near hysteria earlier. Why the sudden turn around? 

DAPHNE 

A bottle of wine. 

FRASIER 

Ah. Well despite the shaky start things seem to have turned out quite well. 

DAPHNE 

Yes everyone is getting completely plastered and all singing the cork masters praises. I have to say though I didn't expect it to be quite so casual. 

FRASIER 

It's the best way to host a spring tasting. It was quickly discovered that when alcohol is involved, all organisation goes out of the window. No one is interested in rules when a bottle of wine is at stake, they just want to drink it. And it can get pretty violent, especially with this crowd. They're not afraid to throw things. 

NILES 

Everyone is here. I don't remember a turn out like this since Sir William agreed to pay for everyone to be given a full massage if they came. 

DAPHNE 

And that worked? 

NILES 

You bet it did, although Sir William eventually ended up with a broken hip for his trouble. 

FRASIER 

The whole incident was unavoidable in my humble opinion. How could he expect our aim to be one hundred percent when lying on a table with a woman walking up and down your back in stiletto heels? You have to expect people to miss and spit on the floor under those circumstances. 

NILES 

And yet it taught us a valuable lesson. 

FRASIER 

Never attend a wine tasting without traction decal on the soles of your shoes. I see Judge Rhineholt's back this year and already wearing his life preserver. No need to guess what his intentions are this evening. 

NILES 

That's right, he's with the head of the immigration board, Michael Chapman. He introduced us earlier. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM INSIDE 

MARTIN 

Hi guys. 

FRASIER 

Hi Dad. 

NILES 

Dad where's Eddie? 

MARTIN 

He's inside. So, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. 

FRASIER 

Oh God, he's heading this way. 

FRASIER RUNS TO THE OTHER END OF THE DECK 

MARTIN 

What's his problem? 

NILES 

The Captain's hitting on him. 

MARTIN 

Oh OK. 

NILES 

Notice how he doesn't even question that statement. 

ROZ APPROACHES FROM THE OTHER END OF THE DECK 

MARTIN 

Hi Roz. Where's your date? 

ROZ 

He went home almost as soon as we got here, not that I'm complaining, the man's turning into real dead wood. 

DAPHNE 

I hope you don't mean that literally. 

ROZ 

I made one crack about after this trip maybe he'd consider being buried at sea and he flipped out. 

DAPHNE 

I don't know why. 

ROZ 

He started shouting at me and called me a tramp. So I kicked him in the crotch and poured his wine over his head. Still it's probably a good thing that the relationship ended now. 

MARTIN 

Why? 

ROZ 

Because I'm a wildcat in bed and he keeps clutching his chest. The end result would not be a pretty picture for the paramedics. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER'S FEET STICK OUT FROM UNDERNEATH A TABLECLOTH THAT COVERS ONE OF THE WINE TABLES. THE CAPTAIN SEES THIS AND LIFTS IT UP 

CAPTAIN 

Hello, there Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Oh hi. I was just looking for my contact lens. 

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR 

CAPTAIN 

Oh, you have the most beautiful eyes. 

FRASIER 

What can I say I'm cursed. Listen Billy, I have something to tell you. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND DAPHNE CHAT AS NILES INSPECTS A BOTTLE LABEL AND MARTIN KNOCKS BACK A GLASS OF WINE IN ONE 

NILES 

Dad, you're not supposed to just knock it back like that. Sip and spit, sip and spit. Do you get it? 

MARTIN 

Believe it or not they taught us this before we were allowed anywhere near a gun in the army. Being able to spit accurately was a better weapon than a hand grenade. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE BOAT – CONTINUOUS

THE CAPTAIN LOOKS UPSET AS FRASIER LOOKS HOPEFUL 

CAPTAIN 

(SHOUTS) I don't believe this. How could you lead me on in this way? My heart is not a toy for you to play with. I may never love again. Goodbye Dr. Crane. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE BOAT – CONTINUOUS

NILES, MARTIN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL STARE IN FRASIER'S DIRECTION AS HE APPROACHES LOOKING VERY SHEEPISH 

NILES 

So did he take it well? 

FRASIER 

If anyone over heard that, I don't think I came off very well. 

DAPHNE 

Where have all the servers gone? 

NILES 

Will you birds stop looking at me! 

EDDIE RUNS ACROSS THE DECK 

FRASIER 

Dad, what's Eddie doing? 

NILES 

Eddie? You told me he was locked inside. 

MARTIN 

Oh locked inside, running out on deck, what's the difference? 

ROZ 

Well I'm now dateless so I feel like getting drunk. 

MARTIN 

I'm right with you, I smuggled some beer on board. 

MARTIN AND ROZ WALK TO THE OTHER END OF THE DECK 

NILES 

I can't believe he brought Eddie. I half expect to turn around and see that he's brought his chair and a pair of flannel pants to change into as well. 

FRASIER 

Oh Eddie hasn't really caused any problems. Who does it really harm? 

EDDIE JUMPS UP ON THE FOOD TABLE CLOSET TO THEM, AND RUNS ACROSS IT BEFORE RUBBING HIMSELF UP AND MOUNTING THE SALMON ON DISPLAY 

DAPHNE 

Well that salmon to start with. Or will that make it a rare delicacy. Oh bloody hell. Get away from there you randy little hound. 

EDDIE RUNS AND EXITS BACK INSIDE 

NILES 

Oh my God it's all ruined. I can't serve it with little paw prints and dog hair embedded into it. Not to mention what he was doing to that one. We have practically nothing to feed them. 

FRASIER 

Can't you get some more? 

NILES 

From where? I tore my trawling net catching this lot. 

DAPHNE 

I think we could salvage most of it, as long as you remember not to eat any of it yourself. 

NILES 

I can't do that. Oh what the hell no one here really likes me. Frasier keep watch. 

FRASIER TRIES TO BLOCK THEM FROM VIEW OF THE REST OF THE FERRY 

DAPHNE 

I think we should definitely dispose of this one. Even though it was very pretty to look at. 

NILES 

I quite agree. 

NILES PICKS UP THE FISH AND GOES TO THROW IT OVERBOARD BUT NOTICES JUDGE RHINEHOLT COMING TOWARDS HIM. NILES QUICKLY TURNS AROUND AND PUTS THE FISH UNDER HIS JACKET AND BACKS AWAY FROM THE EDGE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh Judge Rhineholt, and how are you this evening? 

RHINEHOLT 

Just fine Crane, although you seem to have lost most of your staff. 

NILES 

Yes I had noticed that. 

RHINEHOLT 

Gone overboard have they? 

NILES 

No, just looking for a corkscrew I believe. 

JUDGE RHINEHOLT WALKS TO THE OTHER END OF THE DECK AS NILES PULLS THE FISH OUT FROM HIS JACKET 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Now don't I just smell divine? Where do I put this fish? 

FRASIER 

Quick in here. 

FRASIER OPENS A CUPBOARD DOOR AND NILES THROWS THE FISH IN, IT HITS HOWEVER A GROUP OF WAITERS THAT ARE USING IT AS A PLACE TO HIDE 

NILES 

What are you doing in there? 

WAITER 

Senor, no hablamos ingles. 

NILES 

What? 

FRASIER 

He says they don't speak any English. 

NILES 

And that explains why they are in the broom closet. Ask him what they are doing in there. 

FRASIER 

Que tu haces aqui? 

WAITER 

Escondome. 

FRASIER 

Hiding. 

NILES 

I can see that! Why are they hiding? 

FRASIER 

Porque te esta escondedo? 

WAITER 

El gerente de la immigracion esta alli fuera y estamos aqui ilegalmente, si nos oyen, no podemos demostrar una trajeta verde, y el nos tendra deportardos. 

FRASIER 

They're here illegally. The head of immigration is out there, you try to work it out. 

NILES 

Ok just about to hyperventilate. Most of the food is ruined due to the local wildlife being unable to control themselves, not to mention the salmon I had on display which is now bobbing up and down in our wake. I have a boat full of the Seattle elite all expecting to get tight this evening and people who are supposed to be getting them that way are all hiding in a cupboard in case they get deported. And the Captain of the boat is hitting on my brother, is this about accurate so far? 

FRASIER 

I think so 

AS NILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'IT'S AS EASY AS A, B, C' 

FADE IN: 

INT. TOP MAIN CABIN OF FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2   
(Frasier, Waiters, Niles, Martin, Roz, Daphne, William, Rhineholt, Eddie) 

THE WAITERS ARE ALL LINED UP AND FRASIER TRIES IN VAIN TO TEACH THEM ENGLISH. NILES LOOKS ON AS MARTIN TRIES TO PREVENT ANYONE FROM COMING INSIDE 

FRASIER 

Good evening Sir. 

WAITERS 

(ALL TOGETHER) Good evening Sir. 

NILES 

Is this going to work? Shouldn't they at least have an American accent? They sound like one of the Marx Brothers. Obviously not the silent one. 

FRASIER 

What other choice is there? 

NILES 

Wouldn't it be better if they just didn't say anything? 

FRASIER 

What if they get spoken to? They have to be able to respond with something or he'll know something is up straight away. You know how seriously he takes his job. For God sake the man even stopped me as I got on board. 

MARTIN 

But most of these guys are toasted anyway. They're not going to know if they answer them or not. Most of them are already hearing voices. There's a guy out there singing to the ice sculptures. 

FRASIER 

But what about the people who aren't drunk. We can't take that risk. Do you have any idea what the consequences are going to be if this gets out? 

MARTIN 

They'll get sent back home with a slap on the wrist. 

FRASIER 

I meant to our reputations. This is not something I want on my social record. 

MARTIN 

It's not that big a deal. 

NILES 

No a permanent police record is not a big deal, this would be huge. Do you have any idea what those people out there would think? 

MARTIN 

What does it matter, you don't like them anyway. 

FRASIER 

Once again Dad you're completely missing the point. 

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER

ROZ 

Frasier, where did the Captain go, after you completely shattered his heart and made him incapable of ever loving another person in his life? 

FRASIER 

Make me feel guilty why don't you? I don't know, why? 

ROZ 

Because the crew have been looking for him and he's no where in sight. We just thought it might concern you. 

DAPHNE 

Especially after we found this. 

DAPHNE PRODUCES THE CAPTAINS HAT WITH TWO EMPTY WINE BOTTLE IN IT FROM BEHIND HER BACK 

NILES 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

Look on the bright side. At least someone was drinking the white Zinfandel. 

MARTIN 

Do you think he's gone overboard? 

NILES BEGINS TO SLAP FRASIER'S ARM 

NILES 

I don't believe this. It's all your fault. 

FRASIER 

How is this my fault? 

NILES 

All you had to do was be nice to him. 

FRASIER 

But he was flirting with me. 

NILES 

Was it too much to expect for you to flirt back? I wasn't asking a lot, I didn't expect children and twin burial plots to come from this situation. 

FRASIER 

That's very generous of you. He tried to kiss me. 

NILES 

All you had to do was try something new. 

FRASIER 

But I didn't want to because I know I wouldn't like it. 

NILES 

How can you tell if you've never had a go? 

FRASIER 

I've never been eaten alive by lions either but I know for a fact that I wouldn't like that. 

MARTIN 

Now this isn't going to solve anything. 

NILES 

You're right, we must salvage this tasting. After all I am the cork master I must take control. 

ROZ 

And the cork signal is being displayed. We need you cork man, the fate of the universe rests in your hands. 

NILES 

How I wish I had a cork right now. 

FRASIER 

OK Dad, you and Roz go out and open up the wine and keep topping up the glasses. And remember they are not intentionally spitting at you, so please don't club anyone with your cane. Niles, you and Daphne go and look for the Captain. I'll stay here and continue the English lesson. 

ROZ, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL EXIT

RESET TO: 

EXT. COVERED END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND MARTIN START TO OPEN THE WINE AS NILES GRABS A GLASS OF WINE OFF A TABLE AND DAPHNE STARES AT THE FACES IN THE CROWD LOOKING FOR THE CAPTAIN. EDDIE CAN BE SEEN RUBBING HIMSELF UP SIR WILLIAM'S LEG 

NILES 

Why won't these birds go away? I need a drink first. Oh my God, Eddie, get off him. No wait that's his wooden leg, he won't have noticed. 

NILES CRAWLS OVER TO SIR WILLIAM AND PULLS EDDIE AWAY. NILES THEN STARTS TO BRUSH THE DOG HAIR OFF SIR WILLIAM'S LEG AS HE NOTICES THAT SOMETHING IS GOING ON 

WILLIAM 

Crane what are you doing? 

NILES 

Just admiring your suit. I love the material. It's very soft. Daphne feel how soft this is. 

BOTH NILES AND DAPHNE START TO RUB THEIR FACES UP HIS LEG WHILE REMOVING THE DOG HAIR 

DAPHNE 

Oh yes, I could just rub myself all over it. 

WILLIAM 

Well when you've both quite finished sent marking my leg, do you think you could get someone out here to open this wine, one of your first priorities I would think being cork master. 

NILES 

Of course. 

NILES PICKS EDDIE UP AND STARES HIM IN THE FACE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

You'll be lucky if I don't show you first hand how the propeller works. I won't hesitate in making mincemeat out of you dog. 

DAPHNE 

Niles that vain on your forehead is beginning to turn red. 

NILES 

That's because I'm a little bit agitated. 

NILES STARTS TO KNOCK A GLASS OF WINE BACK IN ONE 

DAPHNE 

So would now be a good time to tell you I'm not wearing any underwear. 

NILES DOES A SPIT TAKE SPEWING WINE ALL OVER JUDGE RHINEHOLT AS HE WALKS PAST 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Maybe not. 

RHINEHOLT 

No, in the cuspidor Crane. What do you think they're there for? You don't just spray it around like a fountain. 

AS DAPHNE HIDES HER FACE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. TOP MAIN CABIN OF FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2   
(Frasier, Waiter) 

FRASIER IS TUTORING ONE WAITER AS THE REST TAKE A BREAK. THE WAITER HAS 'A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO ENGLISH' IN HIS HAND 

FRASIER 

Ahora cuando yo digo 'hello' usted diria que? 

WAITER 

I am an American. Please don't deport me. 

FRASIER 

No you idiot, when I say hello, you say hello. No, tu tambien responderia con 'hello'. Ahora dilo 'hello'. 

WAITER 

Hello 

FRASIER 

Hello 

WAITER 

Hello 

FRASIER 

Hello 

WAITER 

Hello 

FRASIER 

Oh will you stop saying that! 

WAITER 

I have never seen Ellis Island. I like apple pie. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear God. 

WAITER 

Oh dear God. 

FRASIER 

Stop repeating me. 

WAITER 

Pardon? 

FRASIER 

Doesn't this book help you at all? 

WAITER 

I sleep in a bassinet. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

WAITER 

That artichoke is very ripe. Let me hit a home run. 

FRASIER 

Oh this is much better, now you'll just be committed. 

WAITER 

Pardon? 

FRASIER 

Just forget it. Maybe they'll think you're all mute. No digas nada, si alguien pregunta, yo les dire que son todos mudos. Hopefully by now everyone is too drunk to notice. 

AS THE OTHER WAITER START TO JOIN IN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'IT MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE SEA AIR' 

FADE IN: 

EXT. PORT SIDE WALKWAY OF THE FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles) 

NILES AND DAPHNE WALK ALONG THE FERRY LOOKING FOR THE CAPTAIN. HANGING OVER THE EDGE OF THE FERRY ARE SEVERAL LIFEBOATS 

DAPHNE 

This is ridiculous, we'll never find him. You stand more chance of finding the Holy Grail in a wicker basket then the Captain on this ferry. 

NILES 

I wouldn't rule that out. He has to be here somewhere. 

DAPHNE 

But where? We established all the drawers in his desk were full so he hadn't squeezed himself into one of those. And he wouldn't fit in the vegetable crisper in the kitchen. 

NILES 

He knows the boat better than we do. He's probably just sleeping it off somewhere. 

DAPHNE 

As long as he's not sleeping with the fishes. 

NILES 

When did you get your English to Mafia converter? 

DAPHNE 

Well I must confess I'm secretly sleeping with the mob frontrunner in exchange for an unlimited supply of fur coats. 

NILES 

Ah now that explains the horse head in my bed. And I thought it was a gift off a patient. I haven't heard off that woman who used to send me dead ferrets through the mail for months. She must have had her lobotomy. 

DAPHNE 

Take away all the chaos down the other end of the boat, and it's actually quite a nice evening. The stars are all out. 

NILES 

(LOOKING AT DAPHNE) That they are. And the Moon looks simply exquisite, as always. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

DAPHNE 

Are you beginning to relax a little more now? 

NILES 

Yeah, I'm fine, everything is under control. The Captain has to be around here somewhere. Frasier doesn't actually have a suicidal effect on people that I am sure of. 

DAPHNE 

Except on his dates and the callers on his show. 

NILES 

I'd forgot them. I'm sorry I was a bit snappy earlier. 

DAPHNE 

It's OK, I understand. Lord knows after all you've seen me at my worst moments. 

NILES 

I'll say. 

DAPHNE 

What does that mean? 

NILES 

But you at your worst is absolutely wonderful. 

HE KISSES HER 

DAPHNE 

Shouldn't you beep when you back up that fast? Hey, I think I know something that will get you even more relaxed. 

NILES 

What's that? 

DAPHNE CLIMBS INTO ONE OF THE LIFEBOATS 

DAPHNE 

Take a guess. You know it was true what I said about my underwear. I have me birthday suit on under this dress, would you like to take a look? 

NILES 

But Daphne we're supposed to be looking for the Captain. And I'm pretty sure I won't find him there. At least I hope not. We don't have time. 

DAPHNE 

What I've got planned will only take two, three minutes tops. 

NILES 

Two to three minutes? You're certainly asking a lot of my stamina. Do you think I'm some sort of mountain lion? 

DAPHNE 

I was thinking more along the lines of mountain gopher, but either way it's still an animal. The Captain will still be asleep whether we find him now or in ten minutes. 

NILES 

But we're outside. 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? Have you never done it outside before? 

NILES 

Before we got together I'd never done it outside the bedroom. Oh all right I'll be honest anywhere but in bed. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my poor little sex starved baby. I guess that means I'm a bit of a bad influence. 

NILES 

You're a real bad girl. 

DAPHNE 

Shut up and get in here. 

NILES CHECKS TO SEE IF ANYONE IS LOOKING AND THEN CLIMBS INTO THE LIFEBOAT 

NILES 

I'm just a piece of meat to you aren't I? 

DAPHNE 

That's right and I'm feeling awfully peckish. If anyone sees you can just tell them you're dealing with one of your sexual obsessives. 

NILES 

Since we got together, I've been saying that a lot. 

AS NILES AND DAPHNE DISAPPEAR FROM VIEW WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2   
(Roz, Rhineholt, Martin, Man, Waiter, Frasier, Captain, Niles, Daphne, Eddie) 

AS MARTIN FILLS UP THE GLASSES WITH WINE, ROZ WALKS AROUND THE DECK WITH A TRAY OF THE HORS D'OEUVRE. SHE APPROACHES JUDGE RHINEHOLT

ROZ 

Can I interest you in a bite to eat? 

RHINEHOLT 

Not really young lady, I've had a bit too much wine, if I see any food I may just vomit on it. Wait a second don't I know you? 

ROZ 

I don't think so. 

RHINEHOLT 

John Rhineholt. 

ROZ 

That name sounds familiar. Where do you work? 

RHINEHOLT 

I'm a judge down at the... 

ROZ 

OK, got you, bye. 

ROZ HURRIES OVER TO MARTIN AND HE TAKES A CRACKER OFF THE TRAY 

MARTIN 

Can I have some of that Roz? It tastes kind of funky. That's disgusting. What an after taste! 

ROZ 

That's vile! Niles, will freak out if he tastes this. Can I be the one to tell him? 

MARTIN 

Who was that you were talking to? 

ROZ 

Judge Rhineholt. I was up in front of him a few years ago over some speeding tickets. Thank God he doesn't remember me. 

MARTIN 

Oh it's just some speeding tickets, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. 

ROZ 

But the fact that I flirted shamelessly with him to avoid a fine or community service was. 

MARTIN 

Why what did you do? 

ROZ 

Have you ever seen Basic Instinct? 

MARTIN 

You boiled his bunny rabbit? 

ROZ 

That was Fatal Attraction. Basic Instinct was the one with Sharon Stone and the white suit. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez Roz. 

ROZ 

Hey it got me off. 

MARTIN 

I wouldn't be surprised if that's all it got you. 

ROZ 

Oh come on you can't tell me that it never happened to you during all those years on the force. 

MARTIN 

No it didn't. Except that one time I was caught naked with that woman in the back of a squad car, but that's completely different. 

ROZ 

Yeah, you already had a pair of handcuffs, I had to buy them. 

A MAN GOES TO SPIT HIS WINE INTO THE CUSPIDOR BUT MISSES SLIGHTLY AND ALMOST GETS MARTIN 

MARTIN 

Hey watch it buddy, do you have any idea how much these shoes cost me? Twenty-nine, ninety-nine on sale. 

MAN 

And they were worth every penny. 

MARTIN 

I don't think we've done too bad. Everyone seems to be sipping and spitting. Except for the guy whose passed out. 

ROZ 

Is there anything else I can do? 

MARTIN 

If you don't mind my asking, why the sudden interest in helping Niles? You guys have never actually got along well. 

ROZ 

That's true, but we have an arrangement that works. 

MARTIN 

All you do is insult each other. 

ROZ 

Exactly, it works. 

MARTIN 

Well why don't you see if Frasier needs any help, I think I can handle things here. 

ROZ 

OK 

THE MAN ONCE AGAIN SPITS AND ONCE AGAIN ALMOST GETS MARTIN AS ROZ WALKS THE LENGTH OF THE DECK AND EXITS INSIDE 

MARTIN 

Oh stop spitting at me, I'm an ex-cop I could make your life hell. 

RESET TO: 

INT. TOP MAIN CABIN OF FERRY – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER WORKS WITH ANOTHER WAITER ON HIS OWN AS ROZ ENTERS

WAITER 

Good evening Sir 

FRASIER 

Good. I think we may just pull this off. 

ROZ 

Hi, Frasier need any help? 

FRASIER 

What about the wine? 

ROZ 

Martin's got that under control. 

FRASIER 

Listen to this guys English. 

ROZ 

Frasier can I just say, there's not a lot of point in doing this, if they are going to go out there with 'a beginners guide to English' in his hand. You might as well send them out there singing 'Speedy Gonzalo's' and wearing a Sombrero. 

FRASIER 

Point taken. But they have just a smattering of English now, which should get them trough the last few hours. 

THE WAITER READS FROM HIS BOOK AND DIRECTS IT AT ROZ 

WAITER 

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 

ROZ 

Was he talking to you or me? 

WAITER 

I am a wildcat. 

ROZ TAKES THE BOOK FROM HIM 

ROZ 

Please tell me that this book is misprinted. Well what do you know it's not. Frasier how do you say 'no chance in hell' in Spanish? Or do I just kick him in the crotch and see if he can understand that interpretation? 

FRASIER 

I think we should leave some things to the imagination. 

SFX: LOUD THUD

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What was that thud? 

ROZ 

It came from outside. 

FRASIER 

(TO THE WAITERS) Go, serve. Ahora ve y sirve. 

FRASIER, ROZ AND THE WAITERS ALL EXIT OUTSIDE ONTO THE DECK 

RESET TO: 

EXT. PORTSIDE WALKWAY OF THE FERRY – CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND ROZ ROUND THE CORNER AFTER COMING OUTSIDE TO WHERE THE THUD CAME FROM. THE CAPTAIN LIES PASSED OUT FLAT ON HIS BACK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh dear God. 

FRASIER HIDES IN A GROVE ALONG THE SIDE OF THE FERRY 

ROZ 

What are you hiding for? He's passed out? 

FRASIER 

That still doesn't mean that his reach has shortened. I'm in no mood to be pinched. Especially by him. 

ROZ 

Look, I'm here, I won't let him fondle you that much. Help me drag him to the front of the boat, they can take care of him. 

FRASIER 

What if he wakes up? 

ROZ 

Then you two will make a very attractive couple and you'll be very happy together. 

FRASIER 

Roz! 

ROZ 

What do you think he's going to do? When he does wake up he'll have a head ache and be looking for a place to throw-up rather than trying it on with you. 

FRASIER 

You under estimate my rare animal magnitude. 

ROZ 

Yes of the chipmunk variety. Now grab his feet. 

FRASIER 

No, to some people there is nothing more sensuous then someone touching your feet. 

ROZ 

Now is not the time for a Pulp Fiction moment. 

FRASIER 

I have to make sure that everything is OK with the tasting. You can drag him on your own, you can be quite feisty when you want to be. I bet you could pick up a car if you put your mind to it. 

ROZ 

You are not going to abandon me. 

FRASIER 

That's strange because I thought I was. 

ROZ 

Frasier. 

FRASIER 

And when you've done that, see if you can see Niles, they'll want him to make his speech soon. 

ROZ 

If I had half a mind... 

FRASIER 

You wouldn't have been here with an old man in the first place. Now off you go. 

ROZ 

Help me or I walk. 

FRASIER 

Where? Off the side of the boat? Good luck. 

ROZ 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

Oh fine, but if I feel at all violated, I will seek vengeance on you head. 

ROZ 

Fine, now pull him. 

FRASIER 

I've already pulled him once tonight. 

THEY BOTH GRAB A FOOT AND START TO DRAG HIM TO THE FRONT OF THE FERRY. THEY REACH HALF WAY WHEN JUDGE RHINEHOLT LEAVES THE DECK AND STAGGERS TOWARDS THEM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Judge Rhineholt is coming, quick hide him. 

ROZ 

Where? He won't fit in the leg of my stockings? Not that I'd even want him there. Maybe I'll just throw him overboard. He can only slightly drown and die. 

FRASIER 

Just copy me. 

FRASIER LIES ACROSS THE CAPTAIN AND ROZ COPIES. YOU CAN STILL SEE THE CAPTAIN BUT A DRUNK MAN MAY NOT NOTICE 

NILES 

(FROM INSIDE THE LIFEBOAT) What's that noise. 

NILES LIFTS HIS HEAD FROM THE LIFEBOAT AND SEES ROZ AND FRASIER LYING ON THE FLOOR WITH THE CAPTAIN RIGHT NEXT TO THE LIFEBOAT. NILES HAS HIS TIE AROUND HIS FOREHEAD IN SOMEWHAT RAMBO FASHION 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Ahhhh. 

ROZ 

What are you doing in there? 

DAPHNE LIFTS HER HEAD OUT OF THE BOAT AND INTO VIEW 

DAPHNE 

What's going on? 

FRASIER 

Daphne! 

NILES STANDS UP REVEALING HIS TROUSERS ARE AROUND HIS ANKLES 

ROZ 

Oh no don't stand up. I've gone blind. 

NILES QUICKLY PULLS THEM UP AS DAPHNE COVERS HER FACE WITH EMBARRASSMENT 

FRASIER 

Niles what are you doing? 

NILES 

Erm... looking for the Captain. 

FRASIER 

Well it seems you're looking very hard. 

ROZ 

Oh it is so easy to misinterpret that sentence. 

DAPHNE 

Oh you've found the Captain. Where was he? 

FRASIER 

In a mayonnaise jar below decks now let's all celebrate. 

NILES 

Why are you sitting on him? I thought you weren't interested. 

FRASIER 

I'm looking for a cheep thrill why do you think? 

JUDGE RHINEHOLT FINALLY REACHES THEM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Hello there Judge Rhineholt. 

RHINEHOLT 

Now I remember you young lady. 

ROZ 

Oh dear God, no. 

RHINEHOLT 

You used to work for me. We had a bit of sex in the cleaning cupboard on the floor polisher. For three weeks my wife could see her reflection on my behind. 

ROZ 

I can assure you, that wasn't me. Although the idea does have a certain amount of class. 

RHINEHOLT 

Pity, I fancied a quick bunk-up. 

FRASIER 

It seems you're not the only one. 

RHINEHOLT 

What are you two doing in that lifeboat? 

NILES 

Erm... 

RHINEHOLT 

(SHOUTS) Are we sinking? Oh no, abandon ship, abandon ship. We're going down. Everyone in a lifeboat. 

FRASIER 

Keep your voice down. We are not sinking. Go and have some wine that's what you are here for after all. 

JUDGE RHINEHOLT MAKES HIS WAY BACK TO THE MAIN DECK AS FRASIER AND ROZ GET OFF THE CAPTAIN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I am very mad at you two. 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

NILES 

It's not what it looks like. 

FRASIER 

So it doesn't look like you crept off to have sex in a lifeboat while we tried to salvage this tasting and more importantly your reputation. 

NILES 

Ok so it is what it looks like. But how do you know I wasn't doing something else, like fishing? 

FRASIER 

Well it would certainly be some bait on offer. You'd have a hard time explaining that in the emergency room. 

ROZ 

And I doubt very much that you could reach the water from all the way up here. Although I'd be very impressed if you could. 

NILES 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Oh all right fine. How could I resist? Daphne's not wearing any underwear. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO NILES) Neither would it seem are you. Can't you keep little Niles caged for at least a small proportion of the day? 

NILES 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Well you'd think. How could I say no? 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO NILES) It's very simple just say 'no'. 

NILES 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) After my sex-starved existence can you blame me? I wouldn't hesitate if it were suggested at the top of the Space Needle. Tourists with video cameras wouldn't stop me. 

ROZ 

You are never again to make fun of my sex life, do you hear me? 

NILES 

Understood. 

DAPHNE CLIMBS OUT OF THE LIFEBOAT 

FRASIER 

Now help us move him to the front of the boat. 

DAPHNE 

Why are we moving him there? 

ROZ 

So that Ginger and Gilligan can take care of him. 

NILES 

Who? 

ROZ 

Gilligan's Island. Don't you ever watch Nick At Night? 

NILES 

You know not as much as I'd like. 

NILES TRIES TO GET OUT OF THE BOAT BUT HIS SASH IS CAUGHT ON SOMETHING 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Hold on my sash is caught on an ore. I've got it. 

NILES STARTS TO PULL BACKWARDS TO GET IT FREE. ALL OF A SUDDEN IT COMES LOOSE, BUT THE FORCE OF HOW HARD NILES WAS PULLING SENDS HIM SPINNING BACK IN THE LIFEBOAT AND ALMOST OVERBOARD INTO THE WATER. FRASIER QUICKLY PUTS OUT AN ARM AND GRABS HIM 

FRASIER 

Oh yes, you drowning would truly cap off the evening. 

AS NILES CLIMBS OUT OF THE BOAT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. OPEN END OF THE DECK OF THE FERRY – EVENING – DAY/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Captain, Coast Guard, Chapman, Waiters) 

THE WAITERS ARE ALL BACK SERVING TO THE FEW PEOPLE WHO REMAIN TASTING THE WINE, EVERYONE ELSE IS NOW DANCING TO THE BAND. MARTIN STANDS AT THE BACK OF THE BOAT AS FRASIER, NILES, ROZ AND DAPHNE APPROACH HIM 

MARTIN 

Am I glad you guys are back. That woman who looks like she escaped from Easter Island keeps winking at me. 

FRASIER 

Who? Nancy Myers? 

NILES 

She has a twitch in her eye, she winks at everyone. 

FRASIER 

How are the waiters doing? 

MARTIN 

They've been walking up and down the boat singing 'The Star Spangled Banner' apart from the one who was thanked and then began to weep uncontrollably. 

NILES 

Those seagulls are still there. 

DAPHNE 

Niles will you let it go. 

FRASIER 

Well as everything is back under control, would you like to dance Miss. Doyle? 

ROZ 

I don't mind if I do. 

FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE TO THE GROUP OF PEOPLE DANCING 

NILES 

That's a good idea, would you like to dance? 

MARTIN 

Not now, my hips a bit stiff. 

NILES 

Not you. 

DAPHNE 

I'd love to. 

NILES AND DAPHNE JOIN EVERYONE ELSE AND START TO DANCE 

NILES 

I'm beginning to think this whole cork master thing is a lot more trouble than it's worth. No one really cares about the wine like Frasier and I do. 

DAPHNE 

If you feel that way, just stop doing it. It doesn't stop the two of you getting together and enjoying wine. Although I have to say, despite all of the problems, it's actually been a really wonderful evening. 

NILES 

I couldn't agree more. 

THEY KISS AND THE CAPTAIN COMES RUNNING FROM INSIDE 

CAPTAIN 

(SHOUTS) Dr. Crane you have hurt me more than you could possibly imagine, in fact... 

BEFORE HE CAN FINISH HE IS SICK ON THE TABLE WITH THE REMAINING FOOD 

NILES 

Not on the salmon 

DAPHNE 

Now we definitely can't serve the rest of it. 

COAST GUARD 

(FROM THE WATER THROUGH A LOAD SPEAKER) This is the US Coast Guard. 

SUDDENLY CHAPMAN JUMPS UP ON THE RAISED PLATFORM WHERE THE BAND HAS BEEN PLAYING 

CHAPMAN 

Everyone freeze, we have reason to believe that there are several illegal aliens on board. 

THE WAITERS, UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS GOING ON, START TO RUN ABOUT THE FERRY IN A PANIC. SEVERAL JUMP OFF THE SIDE INTO THE WATER. THE ONE WAITER CARRYING A TRAY FULL OF FOOD ALSO STARTS TO RUN ABOUT IN A PANIC. THE SEAGULLS SEE THE TRAY OF FOOD RUNNING ABOUT THE DECK AND SWOOP DOWN TO FINALLY ATTACK IT, KNOCKING THE WAITER TO THE FLOOR. THE CAPTAIN FINALLY PASSES OUT ON THE FLOOR AGAIN AND EVERYONE ELSE STARTS TO SCREAM AND PANIC. FRASIER, ROZ, NILES AND DAPHNE MAKE THEIR WAY BACK OVER TO MARTIN AND START DRINKING FROM THE WINE BOTTLES. AS THE COAST GUARD BOARD THE FERRY WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: THE FERRY IS EMPTY APART FROM FRASIER, MARTIN, ROZ AND DAPHNE WHO SIT AND LOOK ABOUT THEM IN DISBELIEF. NILES TALKS AND PROTESTS HIS INNOCENCE TO A POLICEMAN WHO HAS THE MAN THAT NILES THREW THE SALMON AT STANDING WITH HIM. THE MAN POINTS AT NILES AND PRODUCES THE SALMON AS EVIDENCE. 


	20. Episode Twenty

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Kate beat me to it in terms of bringing back a certain character. It'll teach me not to wait so long before I post these things. _

_Please help me! Please send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com so the cannibals won't eat me. I don't want to be digested. It doesn't sound particularly nice. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty   
Quiz Show 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Jane (VO)) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS IN THE RADIO BOOTH. FRASIER IS ON THE AIR WITH A CALLER, JANE

FRASIER 

Now I fully understand that you are upset about this Jane but don't you think that your reaction has been a little extreme to say the least? 

JANE (VO) 

I knew you'd take his side. All men must stick together. You're all the same you're all pigs. In fact I might get a more unbiased opinion off a pig than off you. 

FRASIER 

Just hear me out Jane. All Gary did was open the new bottle of 'Toilet Duck' before the old one was empty. This is not a criminal offence. It was an honest mistake. It's not as if he opened the new box of cereal before the old one was empty just to get the prize. And by the way Dad if you're listening, if you do that once more I will kill you, ex-ray glasses or no ex-ray glasses. And back to the point it's still no reason to make Gary spend the last month sleeping in a bassinet with a can of condensed milk, a pair of shoe trees and a piece of three week old road kill that you may or may not be able to make rheumatism oil from in the near future. 

JANE (VO) 

This is just men ganging up together. I knew this would happen. Roz you've got to agree with me on this. 

ROZ 

To be honest Jane I think you're a bit gar-gar and you've skipped several dosages of your medication. But please don't take that the wrong way. 

JANE (VO) 

Well listen here you little tramp... 

ROZ 

Don't you talk to me like that you freak of nature! 

FRASIER 

Ladies, ladies before this gets out of hand and we have to bring in a mud bath and a no hair pulling rule let's try to resolve this situation. Jane may I suggest that you and Gary take some time to look into couple's therapy. If not for your sake then for Gary's before he catches mange or worse the plague off that road kill. Well that's all for today Seattle, but before I go, let me take this opportunity to remind all my listeners about the upcoming quiz show being broadcast right here on KACL. I am to take part as well as many of your other favourite KACL hosts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying have a great day Seattle and good mental health. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Now Roz what have we discussed time and time again about hurling abuse and sharp pointed objects at our callers? 

ROZ 

But Frasier... 

FRASIER 

Now Roz? Do I have to write it on the back of your hand with a magic marker again? Or shall I simply have it tattooed on your forehead? 

ROZ 

Only when the mike's off. 

FRASIER 

That's right. And on that subject I still have not forgotten or forgiven you for telling me I was off air when I clearly wasn't and I called that guy an anal retentive, closet homosexual drag queen. 

ROZ 

Oh what's the big deal? It was the truth. 

FRASIER 

He'd just been elected Senator. We outed Senator Paxton on the air. And from what I hear his wife and children weren't too happy to hear about it either. Although it did explain why her shoes were all stretched out to accommodate a size thirteen-foot. He's still sending me those live scorpions through the mail. Luckily I bribed Daphne into opening all my mail a few years ago. 

ROZ 

Anyway I've heard you yell at callers on the air. 

FRASIER 

When? In what parallel universe did this freak occurrence transpire? 

ROZ 

Last week, that guy who was so paranoid about getting burgled he stopped at home twenty-four hours a day with a shotgun, an assault rifle and a blowtorch. 

FRASIER 

That was a commercial. A rescue dog, a secure alarm, some strong sedatives and a Big Mac solved his problems. I think it's left up to your own imagination to guess what they were actually advertising. Don't you ever listen to my show? 

ROZ 

Not if I can help it. It interferes with my naptime. If I'm to keep up my stamina for my nightlife I have to sleep during the day. 

FRASIER 

It's so nice to know that my career is in such safe hands. Why don't I just let a cross-eyed, narcoleptic juggler perform with my most valuable, treasured, antique breakable possessions as well? 

ROZ 

Anyway about this quiz show. I've been doing a little reading for it. 

FRASIER 

I didn't realise you were taking part. I didn't assume it was something you'd be interested in. I'd always thought Blind Date was more up your seedy back alley. 

ROZ 

Of course I'm interested. 

FRASIER 

In the seedy back alley or the quiz? You do realise it's a general knowledge quiz? Not one of those that you find in the back of Cosmopolitan. I doubt there will be a question on finding your g-spot. 

ROZ 

Oh course I know that. If you're going to be my partner, shouldn't we get together to do a little studying, so we don't humiliate ourselves on air? I mean you do that everyday on your show, you probably should take a break for this quiz. 

FRASIER 

Oh you think we are going to be team mates. 

ROZ 

Yeah, why aren't we? 

FRASIER 

Well the rules state that as long as one member of the team works at the station it doesn't matter about the other. 

ROZ 

So what does that mean? 

FRASIER 

I was going to ask Niles. 

ROZ 

Oh I see, because he's smarter than I am. You don't want to be embarrassed by your brain dead producer is that what you're trying to say? 

FRASIER 

No that's what I've been trying really hard not to say. 

ROZ 

Oh fine. I don't need you, I'll do fine on my own. 

FRASIER 

Roz, honey, are you upset. 

ROZ 

Why because you dumped me? Oh course I'm not Frasier. 

ROZ PRESSES HER PEN SO HARD ON HER CLIPBOARD THAT IT SNAPS IN TWO 

FRASIER 

Well it's nice to know you're not mad at me. 

FRASIER GRABS HIS BRIEFCASE AND RUNS FROM THE BOOTH AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE WHEEL OF TORTURE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz) 

FRASIER SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS HEAD BURIED IN SEVERAL TEXTBOOKS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS. NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AT THE PIANO WHILE NILES PLAYS GERSHWIN QUIETLY 

NILES 

I was thinking about what we could do this summer, you know about where we can go on vacation. 

DAPHNE 

And? Have you come up with anything? 

NILES 

I came up with one thing, but it's where in the world you want to do it is the real question. 

DAPHNE 

You have a one-track mind. That would be a terrible thing to waste. Me Mom's been pestering me again, she wants us to spend a couple of weeks in Manchester with the family. 

NILES 

Well we can do that if you want to. Really I don't mind. After all I can only go insane once. And I'm sure the bleeding from my ears will stop eventually. 

DAPHNE 

Hell no. If we go away this summer, I want to be alone with you, not with you and a group of still angry relatives, hell bent on prodding and poking you with a red-hot poker and setting your suits on fire. 

NILES 

That's not so bad, it would be an improvement on our current relationship of four letter words and death threats. 

DAPHNE 

You do realise that you'll still be wearing the suit when they set fire to it? They call it a pair of hot pants. The only improvement you'll get is having a couple of hot crossed buns and since it's not Easter I don't think it's that appropriate. And it won't be much of a holiday for me to continually smother your body with lotion to ease the burns, although... 

NILES 

Well get your thinking cap on, I offer you the world. Except all places where the insects are bigger than my fist. 

DAPHNE 

How about a tour of Arizona in the Winnebago? 

NILES 

(MORTIFIED) Oh...well...that sounds lovely. 

DAPHNE 

Your lips say yes, but the beads of sweat and throbbing vein in your neck speak volumes. 

NILES 

That's because I'm excited at the prospect of being shacked up together in a Winnebago in the middle of the desert with nothing but a flea-ridden coyote and a drunk Navajo Indian to disturb and traumatise us. 

DAPHNE 

Oh say it again, it sounds so romantic. You really know how to get a girl all excited. Oh I'm only teasing. 

NILES 

What a shame. My hopes had been raised to new heights. How will I ever recover from this anti-climax? 

DAPHNE 

Well we could still... 

NILES 

Too late, motion carried, may we never speak of it again. 

DAPHNE 

You didn't complain last time that we were in the Winnebago. If I recall right you actually enjoyed it. 

NILES 

Well that was different. When you're experiencing a life changing moment you don't care where you are, but fortunately I was in the perfect place and the perfect place was in your arms. 

HE KISSES HER 

FRASIER 

Niles will you get over here so we can study? Preferably before I become nauseous. 

NILES 

Oh do we have to. 

FRASIER 

Yes, now get over here. Daphne stop distracting him. 

NILES STROLLS OVER TO FRASIER AND STANDS LOOKING AT THE BOOKS 

NILES 

This is actually like school all over again. The two of us studying together for a big test like old times. Except now I'm having sex as well. 

FRASIER 

Not now you're not so sit down. 

NILES SITS DOWN AND FRASIER PLACES A LARGE GENERAL KNOWLEDGE TEXT BOOK ON HIS LAP AS MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR DRAGGING A LARGE BOX 

MARTIN 

Will one of you boys give me a hand with this? 

FRASIER 

Sorry my backs been a bit tender lately. If I lift so much as a sesame seed I won't be able to move for weeks. 

MARTIN 

Gee wouldn't that be a tragedy. 

NILES 

I would but I have weak calves. 

MARTIN GLARES AT THEM BOTH 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Don't give me that look, I inherited them off you. If you want to blame someone blame yourself. 

DAPHNE WALKS OVER AND PICKS UP THE BOX 

DAPHNE 

Never mind, let the woman do it. I wouldn't want either of you to break a nail or ruin your make-up. What the bloody hell have you got in here anyway? 

DAPHNE PLACES IT ON THE TABLE. MARTIN OPENS THE LID AND PULLS FROM IT ANOTHER STUFFED BEAVER LAST SEEN IN 'A FOOL SUCH AS I'. IT IS WEARING MAKE-UP, A DRESS AND A WIG. FRASIER AND NILES LOOK ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED 

FRASIER 

Oh no not again. I thought the invasion had stopped. I knew I should have invested in some beaver repellent. 

MARTIN 

Yep, my secret admirer is back. 

NILES 

And by the looks of it their taste hasn't improved. If it had I suppose they'd be sending you sporting ferrets instead of sporting beavers by now. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes because a dead ferret would be so much classier then a dead beaver. The Royal family has dozens on them scattered around Buckingham Palace. Quick Daphne turn on the garbage disposal before it has a change to settle. 

MARTIN 

Hey you can't do that. 

DAPHNE 

Of course I can, I turn the tap on and flick a switch. It just shows how much you use it. 

MARTIN 

I didn't mean that. 

FRASIER 

I'm pretty sure Dad it wouldn't feel a thing, but to make you feel a little better, shall I give it a bottle of sedatives and a shot of whiskey before hand? 

NILES WALKS OVER AND EXAMINES THE BEAVER 

NILES 

What is it supposed to be playing anyway? I may not be much of a sports man but I'm pretty sure they don't wear flowing dresses and make-up to play baseball. They'd get a run in their pantyhose while sliding in the dirt. Is it a participant in a drag race maybe? 

MARTIN 

This isn't from the sporting collection. It's the early Hollywood collection. This one is Bette Davis in 'All About Eve'. 

DAPHNE 

Of course it is, I don't know why I didn't guess that earlier. So am I to understand this is what Bette Davis would have looked like if she was a beaver and was beaten about the head and neck with a shovel? 

NILES 

It's just a shame it's not a classic television collection. I'm sure the 'Leave It To Beaver' one is a real collector's item in taxidermist circles. 

MARTIN 

It can't stay here. 

FRASIER 

You took the words right out of mouth. 

NILES 

Can't she afford the rent? That's the problem these days there are just no good roles for beavers in the motion picture industry. Possums on the other hand make absolute fortunes. Except of course they have a nasty habit of soiling the red carpet at premieres. I guess it's just through excitement. 

MARTIN 

I can't keep it. Especially considering the way Eddie attacked the last one and with the way his hormones are racing at the moment, I'd rather not give him a target to aim at. That's just asking for trouble. It's already dead the least I can do is prevent it the indignity of being violated by a dog as well. 

DAPHNE 

This is just dressed up road kill. You can still see the tire mark running down its back. Oh and look at this, it looks as if it had a piece of gum stuck in the tread when it hit it. 

FRASIER 

That's a vital clue Daphne to find the murderer. Now all we have to do is comb the entire country looking for a car with a piece of gum in its tread and the case of the 'Flattened Beaver' can be put to rest. 

NILES 

Well with any luck it was mowed down in the prime of its life by a BMW or a Mercedes rather than something as awful as a hatchback. When that happens you can rest happily in heaven at peace with the world. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sure that's what its first concern was. 'Never mind that my organs are splattered about the road, I'm about to die and all my children are going to become orphans and starve to death, wasn't that a fabulous looking car. I wonder if it has all leather interiors and electric windows.' 

FRASIER 

Niles, can we get back to our studies? 

NILES 

I am studying. 

FRASIER 

I hardly think there will be a question on road kill. 

NILES SITS BACK DOWN 

NILES 

What are we going to do if there's a question on sports? 

FRASIER 

Panic and fake a migraine. 

SFX: DOORBELL

NILES 

And the memories of the school spelling bee come flooding back. It was just ironic that what you were claiming was wrong with you was also the same word that you couldn't spell. 

MARTIN 

I was just grateful that the word was migraine and not menopause. I'd never have lived that down at the station. 

DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR, ROZ ENTERS CARRYING SOME QUIZ BOOKS 

DAPHNE 

Hello Roz. 

ROZ 

Hi Daphne. 

FRASIER 

Hello Roz what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be turning back the clock to your college days? Studying I mean not sleeping with your professors. Although I actually expect you did very little sleeping. 

ROZ 

I've told you, I needed the extra credit. But since you asked I've come to spy on what you're reading. I wasn't sure which book was more appropriate to read, Dr. Seuss or the instruction manual for my freezer. (SHE SEES THE BEAVER) Oh not again. 

MARTIN 

Yeah again. 

ROZ 

Do you know whose sending them to you? 

MARTIN 

Just my secret admirer, who ever that is. 

FRASIER 

Trust me they don't admirer you that much to keep sending you dead things in dresses through the mail. 

ROZ 

And you of all people should know a thing or two about that. Anyway Daphne here are those books to glance over. 

FRASIER 

Books? 

ROZ 

That's right, Daphne is my partner in the quiz show. 

FRASIER 

Since when? 

ROZ 

Since you told me I was too stupid to be your partner. 

FRASIER 

I didn't say that. I implied it but I didn't say it. 

NILES WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE 

NILES 

So you've got to start hitting the books as well. Do you fancy a study session with me later? I'll bring freshly sharpened pencils and a hole punch. 

DAPHNE 

How can I resist such a tempting offer? Although it depends on what subject we're studying. 

NILES 

The human anatomy. 

FRASIER 

Niles sit back down and read. 

NILES OBEDIENTLY DOES AS FRASIER ASKS 

MARTIN 

This will only end in tears. 

FRASIER 

Yes Roz's when we completely crush and humiliate her. 

ROZ 

In your dreams, I'm going to have you eating your words. 

FRASIER 

Oh come on Roz, I am by far and away the smartest person at that radio station, I'm expected to win. Surely you can see that with you as my partner well that would only... 

ROZ 

Impede your chances? 

FRASIER 

Yes... I mean no. I wouldn't want you to feel overshadowed by my staggering intellect. 

MARTIN 

Oh boy, open up a window. 

ROZ 

So actually you're doing me a favour? 

FRASIER 

Exactly. 

MARTIN 

One word. Egomaniac. 

ROZ 

Well thanks for the favour Frasier and in return I'm going to do something for you. 

FRASIER 

Which is? 

ROZ 

Burst your bubble. Because Daphne and I are going to completely wipe the floor with you two. Right Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

You leave me out of this. I said I'd be your partner not help you invade Poland. 

ROZ 

By the time we're through you're going to be begging for mercy rather then sex for a change. 

FRASIER 

Only if there happens to be round of questions on the social life down on the docks or psychic vibrations received through blenders. 

ROZ 

This is war Crane, prepare to be annihilated. 

FRASIER 

I should say the same to you, Doyle. 

ROZ EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER 

MARTIN 

It's nice to see that this friendly competition isn't getting out of control. 

FRASIER 

Right Niles let's continue with our study. 

DAPHNE 

Now all the hair pulling, eye gauging and fish hooking has stopped, I think I'm going to have an early night. 

FRASIER 

Goodnight Daphne. 

MARTIN 

Night Daph. 

DAPHNE MAKES HER WAY TO HER ROOM WITH NILES FOLLOWING 

FRASIER 

Wait a second where do you think you are going? 

NILES 

Do I need to tell you? Can't you just follow my eye line and interpret my devilish looks? (FRASIER LOOKS BLANKLY AT NILES) When I have one eyebrow raised it only means one thing. 

FRASIER 

No fraternising with the enemy thankyou very much. You get back here and study. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

You heard me. If you are going to be my partner for this, there is to be no socialising with the other competitors. And that means not seeing Daphne. We need every spare moment to study. 

NILES 

But... 

FRASIER 

No buts, especially Daphne's. She is the enemy and will be treated as such. Roz may get her to weasel information out of you. You can use the extra time to study. 

DAPHNE 

What a dilemma. So what's it to be Niles? 

NILES STARES AT BOTH FRASIER AND DAPHNE WITH A DESPERATE AND CONFUSED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE, UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO 

NILES 

Don't make me choose please. I'll flip a coin. 

DAPHNE 

Now don't I just feel so special? Are you sure you wouldn't rather us play rock, paper scissors? 

FRASIER 

Come here Niles. 

DAPHNE 

Come on Niles. 

NILES BEGINS TO BREAK OUT IN A SWEAT 

FRASIER 

If you abandon me now I shall remember it when it's time to pass out my kidneys and bone marrow. 

DAPHNE 

You look awfully tense. I'll give you a nice massage. 

NILES' HEAD GOES BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM SO OFTEN IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS WATCHING A TENNIS MATCH 

MARTIN 

They do the same thing in court when trying to determine the ownership of a dog. But I think that's a little more dignified. 

NILES IS PRACTICALLY DYING NOT KNOWING WHICH WAY TO GO. FINALLY HE LOOKS AT FRASIER AND SIGHS 

NILES 

Frasier are you trying to kill me? When's this quiz show over? 

DAPHNE 

(SURPRISED) OK then Niles, you enjoy your studies and I'll see you when the quiz is over. (STICKING THE KNIFE IN) Blimey it's a bit hot tonight. I won't be getting a wink of sleep, I'll have to find something to occupy me all night long. I think I'll sleep naked that might make me feel better, but I'll still probably be soaked with sweat with the sheets clinging to me in the morning. Well goodnight sweetie. 

DAPHNE KISSES HIM LONG AND HARD, MAKING HIM GO WEAK AT THE KNEES AND EXITS TO HER ROOM. NILES STARTS TO FOLLOW HER ALMOST ON HIS KNEES 

FRASIER 

Niles sit! 

NILES 

This had better be worth it. I'm going to get some ice. 

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

But you're drinking sherry. 

MARTIN 

He doesn't mean for his drink. 

AS FRASIER LOOKS AT ANOTHER GENERAL KNOWLEDGE BOOK WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Kenny, Frasier, Gill, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Mark) 

FRASIER, NILES, GILL AND MARK ALL SIT WITH THEIR HEADPHONES ON IN THE BOOTH. KENNY SITS IN BETWEEN THEM ACTING AS QUIZ MASTER. ROZ AND DAPHNE ARE VISIBLE THROUGH THE GLASS WATCHING 

KENNY 

That is an incorrect answer Gill. I'll pass it across to Frasier. 

FRASIER 

The answer is road kill. 

FRASIER AND NILES GIVE EACH OTHER AN AMAZED EXPRESSION THAT, THAT PARTICULAR QUESTION HAS COME UP 

GILL 

Not something you'd normally find on my menu unless of course my beastly in-laws are visiting. Oops I probably shouldn't have said that on the radio. 

NILES' VISION DRIFTS AND HE STARES AT DAPHNE THROUGH THE GLASS 

KENNY 

That's correct. Niles all you have to do is answer this question correctly and you and Frasier are through to the next round. Are you ready Niles? Niles? Niles? 

FRASIER 

(NUDGING HIM) Niles! 

NILES 

Sorry I drifted off a little there. It was a soft and comforting place with a welcome mat at the entrance with my name on it in big letters. 

FRASIER 

At this moment in time you've been evicted and your clothes are on fire scattering on the lawn. Will you concentrate! Stop looking out that window. 

KENNY 

OK Niles just answer this correctly to go through to the next round. In which Shakespearean play does the line "that when I waked I cried to dream again" come from? 

RESET TO: 

INT. KACL HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

Oh great why don't you just ask him his shoe size or his name for God's sake. 

DAPHNE 

What's your problem? 

ROZ 

I wanted them to loose. 

DAPHNE 

But you said we were going to wipe the floor with them. What happened to total annihilation? 

ROZ 

We aren't going to stand a chance against them, our only hope was if they got knocked out first. And what exactly did you expect me to say after he practically said I was a descendant of Forest Gump? 

RESET TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

That quote is taken from 'The Tempest'. 

KENNY 

That is correct. Game four goes to Frasier and Niles making them winners by three games to one. I'll see you both tomorrow for the next round. Thankyou for listening Seattle and tune in tomorrow for the next round of the KACL Host Quiz Show. 

THEY GO OFF AIR AS THEY ALL STAND AND SHAKE HANDS 

FRASIER 

Good game Gill, good game. 

GILL 

Congratulations. Fortunately I am a very gracious looser. And at home I have a crate of Napa Valley Merlot with my name on it to make sure of that fact. 

NILES AND FRASIER EXIT INTO THE CORRIDOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. KACL HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY GO TOGETHER LIKE A COUPLE OF MAGNETS 

DAPHNE 

Congratulations. 

NILES 

Thankyou very much. God it's good to see you. 

FRASIER 

Well, well, well Roz. What are you doing here? Here to see what a landslide performance looks like? Or here to throw in the towel? 

ROZ SEES NILES AND DAPHNE HUGGING 

ROZ 

No just to see who we are playing in the next round. (TO NILES) Excuse me, get your paws off her. No sex with the enemy. 

DAPHNE 

We're in a radio station corridor it's hardly likely that we're going to be having sex, although not out of the question. There's a significant difference between a KACL quiz show and the Howard Stern show you know. 

ROZ 

I mean it. Frasier may get him to try to weasel information out of you. 

FRASIER 

I doubt they'll be a question on Teen USA so why would I bother? 

DAPHNE 

Fine, we won't see each other until after it's finished. 

KENNY ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

So Kenny who do we play in the next round? 

KENNY 

Roz and Daphne. 

ROZ 

Excuse me? 

KENNY 

Hey that should be interesting. You four competing. Wow, call a referee with a stun gun. 

ROZ 

(COVERING) Really? Well good. It's time to wipe that smug, condescending grin off your face. Preferably with the sole of my shoe. If you're lucky I may clean it first. 

KENNY 

May the best man win. 

FRASIER 

(OOZING CONFIDENCE) I'm sure he will. 

NILES GUIDES DAPHNE DOWN THE CORRIDOR SO HE CAN TALK TO HER 

NILES 

Then I'll see you tomorrow my love 

THEY GO TO KISS BUT FRASIER GABS THE BACK OF NILES' COLLAR AND DRAGS HIM AWAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR BEFORE THEY HAVE CHANCE TO MAKE CONTACT. AS THEY BOTH EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE PRICE IS RIGHT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Niles, Martin) 

FRASIER AND NILES ONCE AGAIN HAVE THEIR HEADS STUCK IN GENERAL KNOWLEDGE BOOKS AS MARTIN READS THE PAPER. NILES KEEPS GLANCING TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

FRASIER 

Will you stop staring at her door and look at this? I don't want two holes burnt into my woodwork thankyou very much. 

NILES 

This is ridiculous. It's taking this competitive streak of yours way too far. And I don't want to be dragged into it. 

FRASIER 

I don't care I have to beat Roz. 

MARTIN 

What's the big deal? I thought the whole reason you didn't want Roz as your partner was because you thought she was 'getting your foot stuck down the toilet' kind of stupid. 

FRASIER 

Well she is. Although it wasn't her foot it was her head while she was in college. Although why she couldn't retrieve her earring with her hand instead of her teeth I'll never know. 

NILES 

My guess would be tequila shooters and some magic brownies. 

NILES SNEAKS HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND STARTS TO TYPE A MESSAGE 

MARTIN 

If that's the case why are you swotting up more than you did against anyone else? 

FRASIER 

I just want to make sure, that if by some sort of freak of nature, hell freezes over, pig's start to fly, and she stands a chance of beating me that I'll be able to crush her. I won't rule out even the remote possibility of the pair of them beating us. Oh by the way a letter came for you this morning Dad, I forgot to give it to you. Here you are. 

FRASIER HANDS HIM THE LETTER AND MARTIN OPENS IT 

MARTIN 

Thanks. 

FRASIER 

(TO NILES) What are you doing? 

NILES 

Nothing. 

NILES TRIES TO HIDE HIS PHONE BUT FRASIER SNATCHES IT OFF HIM 

FRASIER 

Yes you are, what are you doing? Are you sending Daphne text messages in her room? 

NILES 

Maybe. 

FRASIER 

For God's sake Niles. 

NILES 

Well this is ridiculous. Because of you and Roz at battle stations I'm not allowed to even see her. Today in Nervosa as I walked past Daphne, I admittedly kissed the back of her head and Roz poured a latte down my pants. And to be honest I don't know how you think that denying me sex over the next few days so I can study is going to improve our chances in the first place. I'm currently so horny I can barely see straight. 

MARTIN 

It's probably not a good idea for you to drive home then. 

NILES 

I can't concentrate. 

FRASIER 

Oh get a grip. Dad and I aren't having sex either, do you hear us complaining? 

NILES 

Constantly. And by the way if you ever say that in public, you might want to add that you and Dad aren't having sex 'with any women' or it may raise some eyebrows. 

MARTIN 

Think yourself lucky. Boxers spend months before a big fight celibate. If those guys can do it you can. 

NILES 

There's a slight difference. I'm not a beefy sports man. 

FRASIER 

He's just barely a man. 

NILES 

And I'm not celibate for a sporting event, it's for a radio quiz show. Has the world gone mad! 

MARTIN 

Well I'm sure your intellectuals do the same thing. Albert Einstein for example. 

NILES 

Oh yes I'm sure that Einstein not getting any helped form his theory of relativity. 

MARTIN 

You never know. 

FRASIER 

It's only for one more night. You'll cope, now let's take your mind of it by studying. The erection of Eiffel Tower was completed... 

NILES 

This particular line of study isn't helping. 

NILES BEGINS TO SWEAT AND FIDGET, THE MORE FRASIER SPEAKS 

FRASIER 

OK, the male reproductive system of a goat? Not a good idea either. The Hump Back Whale? No. The making of traditional Toby Jugs? No. Freud's theory on penis envy, I think we can just skip over that. The inventor of jello? Maybe we should skip the study and watch a little TV documentary. 

BY THIS POINT NILES IS BEGINNING TO BREATHE EXTREMELY RAPIDLY AS FRASIER PUTS DOWN THE BOOK AND TURNS ON THE TV 

NARRATOR 

(ON TV) The much larger male then mounts the lesser female. 

NILES BURIES HIS HEAD BEHIND A CUSHION AS FRASIER TURNS OFF THE TV 

NILES 

I can't take any more, I'm kicking down that door. 

FRASIER 

Ok what if I made this abstained period worth your while. Stay out here and study with me tonight and I'll give you something. 

NILES 

Continue. 

MARTIN BEGINS TO READ HIS LETTER AND BECOMES VISUALLY UPSET THE MORE HE READS 

FRASIER 

I don't know, what do you want? 

NILES 

We all know what I want but you and Roz won't let me. How about you pay for Daphne and I to go on vacation? 

FRASIER 

OK fine, but only in the Winnebago. 

NILES 

No deal. 

FRASIER 

OK fine, but not too far. 

SFX: NILES' PHONE BEEPS

NILES 

Oh a message. I wonder what Daphne has to say? 

FRASIER 

Oh all right, anywhere in the world. 

NILES 

First class. 

FRASIER 

Coach 

NILES 

No I said first class not no class. 

FRASIER 

Fine, but we'd better win. 

NILES 

Then we have a deal. I'll speak to you tomorrow sweetheart. I can cope, all I have to do is not think about sex. 

NILES THEN GLANCES AT THE MESSAGE THAT DAPHNE HAS SENT HIM AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN. FRASIER SEES THIS AND TAKES THE PHONE OFF HIM. 

FRASIER 

What is it? 

FRASIER READS THE MESSAGE AND HIS EYES BECOME WIDE. HE THEN SWITCHES OFF THE PHONE AND LEAVES IT ON THE ISLAND. 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Not under my roof you don't! It's illegal in forty states to begin with. Right now on to our study. Ah here's something interesting, the official name for the uniform worn by French chambermaids. Perhaps we'd better come back to that one as well. Dad are you all right? 

MARTIN 

I'm fine. 

NILES 

Dad what's wrong? 

MARTIN 

Nothing. 

FRASIER 

Dad? 

MARTIN 

I said I'm fine, now drop it. 

AS MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE LETTER WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MCGINTY'S BAR — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Bartender, Martin, Sherry) 

MARTIN SITS AT THE BAR AS THE BARTENDER APPROACHES 

BARTENDER 

Here to watch the game Marty? 

ENTER SHERRY

MARTIN 

No, just meeting someone. Here she is. Hi Sherry. 

SHERRY 

Hello Marty. You look great. 

MARTIN 

Thankyou, so do you. 

SHERRY 

Thanks. 

A BEAT 

MARTIN 

Shall we sit down? 

SHERRY 

Yeah. 

THEY SIT AT A TABLE. A LONG BEAT 

SHERRY (CONT'D) 

So what's it been? Three years? 

MARTIN 

Something like that yeah. 

A BEAT 

SHERRY 

So what's new? 

MARTIN 

Not a lot. I'm still living with Frasier, still hanging out here. I've still got that boil. Niles and Daphne finally got together. 

SHERRY 

Really? That's great. 

MARTIN 

Listen Sherry I don't want to appear rude, but can we come back to the small talk and the chit chat and get to the point. Why did you want to meet me? 

SHERRY 

I just wanted to see you. 

MARTIN 

And the beavers? 

SHERRY 

I just thought you'd like them. The Cary Grant one from 'North By Northwest' really reminded me of you. 

MARTIN 

Just for the record, I don't have a dislocated leg and a tire mark across me abdomen. At the end of the day Sherry, what's changed? 

SHERRY 

What do you mean? 

MARTIN 

Where do you see this going? Marriage? 

SHERRY 

Yes I do. 

MARTIN 

Honestly? Or are you just feeling a little lonely and looking for some companionship? I know I sure as heck am. 

SHERRY 

I've missed you. 

MARTIN 

That still doesn't mean, that you want to marry me. I want to get married again. I would get back together with you in an instant Sherry. And not just to tick Frasier and Niles off either. I still have feelings for you. But you have to ask yourself, a year down the line, will we be having this conversation all over again? 

SHERRY 

I guess we will. 

MARTIN 

Then I'm sorry. 

SHERRY 

I understand. I should leave. 

MARTIN 

Wait, what's wrong with a couple of old friends having a drink? 

SHERRY 

Nothing. 

MARTIN 

Then what can I get you? 

AS THEY ORDER A DRINK WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE WEAKEST SHRINK' 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Kenny) 

FRASIER, ROZ, DAPHNE, NILES AND KENNY ARE ALL SITTING IN THE BOOTH GETTING READY AND PUTTING THEIR HEADPHONES ON 

FRASIER 

So Roz are you ready? 

ROZ 

Absolutely. Let the battle commence. 

DAPHNE 

(TO NILES) Hello. Why didn't you answer any of my messages? It was the only form of communication we had left since we ruled out telepathy and it was too dark to hire a sky writer. 

NILES 

He wouldn't let me. He put my phone in his pants pocket and there was no way that I was going in there to retrieve it. Anyway I can't talk now you're on the other team. 

DAPHNE 

Oh here we go again. Why do you Crane boys have to turn into such competitive freaks? God help our children. Good luck. 

NILES 

Thankyou. 

DAPHNE 

You'll need it because we rule. 

NILES 

Now who's the competitive freak? 

DAPHNE 

Yes but you love it! 

KENNY 

I want a fair fight. No hair pulling, understand? 

FRASIER 

I don't think even Roz would stoop to that. 

KENNY 

I meant you Doc. You have no hair to pull. (GOING ON AIR) Hello Seattle and welcome to round four of our KACL hosts quiz show. I'm Kenny Daily, station manager and I'll be your quiz master. Today we have an interesting competition to say the least. Dr. Frasier Crane and his brother Dr. Niles Crane against the producer of the Dr. Frasier Crane show, Roz Doyle and Niles' girlfriend Daphne Moon. Expect the fur to fly. This is a real battle of the boys against the girls. And on to the first round. 

AS KENNY SPEAKS WE: 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4

AS DAPHNE TRIES TO THINK OF AN ANSWER, ROZ AND KENNY GIVE HER ENCOURAGEMENT AS FRASIER AND NILES SMIRK AT HER AND PULL FACES 

KENNY 

Daphne I'm going to have to rush you. 

DAPHNE 

Sorry I can't think of it. And it doesn't help with the two girls over there sticking their tongues out at us. Stick it out once more and I shall slam it in the door. If I did it to that Policeman on that day trip to Blackpool I won't be afraid to do it here. 

ROZ 

You're such a pair of children. 

FRASIER 

Oh big words, just because you're loosing. 

NILES 

We'll let you forfeit now if you want. Or are you hoping your psychic powers will give you an advantage? 

NILES SUDDENLY REALISES WHAT HE'S SAID, COVERS HIS MOUTH AND LOOKS VERY GUILTY AND SORRY 

DAPHNE 

I'll remember that. 

KENNY 

Frasier I'll pass it across. 

FRASIER 

The answer Kenny is Martin Luther King. 

KENNY 

That is correct. 

FRASIER AND NILES JUMP UP AND GIVE EACH OTHER THE HIGH-FIVE 

NILES 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Oh we're bad! Bring it on girls. 

FRASIER AND NILES THEN DO A VICTORY DANCE BEFORE SITTING BACK DOWN 

DAPHNE 

Have you got something we can hose them down with? Preferably something flammable? 

KENNY 

OK Niles back to you with the next question. How many earth years does it take... 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4

FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND KENNY ALL SIT AS BEFORE 

KENNY 

Niles name the silent Russian film made in 1925 featuring the famous sequence 'Odessea Steps'. 

NILES 

That would be 'The Battle Ship Potempkim' 

KENNY 

That is correct. 

NILES JUMPS UP IN CELEBRATION 

NILES 

Yes I score again. 

DAPHNE 

Well savour it because it'll be the last time you say that for quite a while. 

NILES 

Really? 

DAPHNE 

Yes, and remember I'm psychic. I can see further into the future than your average Joe. But then you don't believe in that do you? 

ROZ 

How the hell did you know that? 

NILES 

I read. 

ROZ 

So do I. 

NILES 

I'm referring to books not some perverts personal ad on a public restroom wall. 

KENNY 

As we head into the break the boys have a lead of two games to one, needing the next one to clinch a place in the next round. 

THEY GO OFF AIR AND NILES ETCHES TOWARDS DAPHNE 

NILES 

Hi Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Hadn't you better get back over there with your brother? 

NILES 

Oh he won't mind. 

DAPHNE 

I meant before I stick my nails somewhere very painful. 

AS NILES MOVES AWAY WE: 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4

THEY ARE OFF AIR AND AS KENNY TALKS TO ROZ AND DAPHNE, FRASIER QUESTIONS NILES, WHO HAS A GLAZED LOOK ON HIS FACE 

FRASIER 

What is wrong with you? 

NILES 

Nothing. 

FRASIER 

They've pulled back level. Anyone would think you'd developed narcolepsy. 

NILES 

I'm sorry I can't help it if I make some honest mistakes. 

FRASIER 

Forgetting Salman Rushdie's name and calling him Robin Hood instead is not an honest mistake. It's stupidity brought on by your hormones. 

NILES 

This is all your fault. I told you I couldn't concentrate. 

ROZ 

What's the matter Niles? Has the hamster fallen off its wheel inside your brain? 

DAPHNE 

Fallen off? I think it's had a stroke. 

FRASIER 

He's just been trying to get your hopes up. 

DAPHNE 

Good because he won't be getting anything else up in the foreseeable future. 

NILES 

I have three magic words for you. I love you. 

DAPHNE 

I have two magic words for you and one of them is 'off'. 

NILES TURNS TO FRASIER AND STARTS TO SLAP HIS ARM AS THEY GO ON AIR 

KENNY 

As we come back from that commercial break with the score at two games all we head into the tiebreak. The tiebreak consists on five questions, buzz in if you know the answer. If you answer incorrectly the question goes to the other side. OK. How many members are there in the Backstreet Boys? 

SFX: ROZ'S BUZZER

ROZ 

Five. 

KENNY 

Correct. 

NILES 

(TO FRASIER) Who? 

FRASIER 

I'm guessing some back alley illegal surgical team. Maybe you should get them to find some life between your ears. 

KENNY 

One, nothing to the girls. Who wrote the play 'Hay Fever'? 

SFX: FRASIER'S BUZZER

FRASIER 

Noel Coward. 

KENNY 

Correct one all. What is the Capital of North Dakota? 

SFX: FRASIER'S BUZZER

FRASIER 

Bismarck. 

KENNY 

Correct, two, one. Which brothers played for England in the 1966 World Cup Finals? 

SFX: DAPHNE'S BUZZER

FRASIER 

That's not fair. 

DAPHNE 

Oh and the question on Freud was? 

FRASIER 

Well maybe if you listened to my show once in a while... 

DAPHNE 

You'd come home from work to find my head resting in a puddle of drool and Eddie gnawing at my ankle. The answer is Jack and Bobby Charlton. 

KENNY 

Correct, two all. Who ever answers this one correctly goes through to the next round. What Lake stretching from Arizona to Utah has a coastline bigger then that of the United States? 

SFX: NILES' BUZZER

NILES STARES AT BOTH THE DESPERATE FACES OF ROZ AND DAPHNE 

NILES 

Erm... Lake Mead? 

KENNY 

That is incorrect I'll pass it across. 

DAPHNE 

Lake Powell. 

KENNY 

Correct the girls win on the tiebreak. Congratulations and you're through to the next round. Thankyou for listening Seattle, we'll be back tomorrow... 

FRASIER 

Thankyou for not gloating. 

BOTH ROZ AND DAPHNE STAND AND START TO DANCE 

ROZ 

(SINGING) You're not singing any more. 

DAPHNE 

(SINGING) You're not singing any more! 

FRASIER 

Well thankyou for not gloating on air. 

KENNY 

...At the same time, and now to Chopper Dave with a traffic report. Sorry Doc you cut me off there. 

DAPHNE 

I knew all those years standing on the terraces at the football chanting with all the yobs would eventually pay off. (SINGING) You're not singing anymore! 

AS ROZ AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO SING AND DANCE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Man) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT BY THE DOOR, BOTH LOOKING GLUM 

FRASIER 

I will kill you for this. I am literally going to nail your eyelids to this table. 

NILES 

Like you know where to buy a hammer let alone a nail. And boo-hoo anyway, so we lost, I'll be lucky if Daphne speaks to me again, let alone does anything else to me the way I behaved in there. My competitive nature got the better of me again. 

FRASIER 

Roz isn't going to be able to resist rubbing my nose in it. 

NILES 

Even I don't think she's petty enough to actually gloat. 

ENTER ROZ AND DAPHNE STILL CELEBRATING. THEY SIT NEAR THE COUNTER 

ROZ 

Crack open the coffee because a round of victory latte's are on us. Only for the women of course. We are the winners, the women through to the final, so guys if you want us to autograph your buns form a line by the restroom. 

NILES 

Than again I may be wrong. 

FRASIER 

Something that seems to be happening frequently today. 

NILES 

Oh let it go. 

ROZ 

(TO THE WAITRESS) Can you send two over there to the loser's table. They need a little cheering up. Send that along with some humble pie. 

FRASIER 

I heard that. 

ROZ 

You were supposed to. Why else would I raise my voice? Oh yet another question you can't answer. 

FRASIER 

Still I'll give her, her moment in the sun. I guess deep down I'm a little proud of her. Still if it weren't for your suddenly mental meltdowns we would have won. 

NILES 

Oh we lost fair and square. They just knew more general knowledge then we did. Just look how happy it's made them. 

FRASIER 

I guess you're right, I just don't want to admit it. They've both actually surprised me a great deal. 

NILES 

Frasier I've just made a momentous decision. 

FRASIER 

Oh you've decided to order some biscotti? 

NILES 

No. And may I say your life must be such a constant nightmare when the biggest most momentous decision is whether or not to order biscotti. 

FRASIER 

When did you make this decision? 

NILES 

While you were talking, I had to think of something to occupy me to pass the time. 

FRASIER 

And what would this decision be? 

NILES 

I'm going to ask Daphne to marry me. 

FRASIER 

Really? What's brought this on? 

NILES 

This separation over the past few days has made me realise I can't live without her. 

FRASIER 

Niles it's been three days. She was in the next room while we studied for a quiz not trekking the Amazon and fighting off Pigmy attacks. 

NILES 

Even so. Well I've been thinking about it for a while. 

FRASIER 

For how long? 

NILES 

Since the moment I laid eyes on her. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure that's what you'll tell her to score some extra points, but honestly how long? 

NILES 

A couple of months. 

FRASIER 

Are you going to do it now? 

NILES 

God no. I want to get her a ring and I think it would be appropriate to be on speaking terms with her before I do. And I don't want to kneel down on this floor taking into account how sticky it is of late. It's like walking over a layer of tar. 

FRASIER 

This is wonderful. The proposal not the tar obviously. 

DAPHNE 

Right well as much as I'd like to stay here and celebrate, I must be getting home. 

ROZ 

So soon why? 

DAPHNE 

Because he's my boss and he's already got a face like a smacked arse because we beat him, I don't want to face the wrath of him having no clean shirts and no dinner as well. 

ROZ 

A woman's work is never done. 

DAPHNE 

Well that and I'm betting that when I walk out that door, they'll be someone not far behind me crawling and wanting to apologise for the way they spoke to me in that radio booth. Add to that fact that the apartment is empty and the result is we've got a lot of apologising to catch up on. 

ROZ 

OK now I understand. Bye Daph I'll see you tomorrow. 

DAPHNE WALKS TO THE DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Bye Roz. Goodbye Dr. Crane, (TO NILES) Dr. Crane. 

DAPHNE EXITS

NILES 

This is wonderful. One quiz with you and we're no longer on a first name basis. Well never mind maybe in another seven years I'll have reached this point again, ruined a wedding and have another ex-wife to add to the collection. 

FRASIER 

Oh quit complaining. I'm paying for you to go on vacation aren't I? 

NILES 

Oh believe me you're going to pay. Now I must go and apologise to the woman I love. I would advise you to do the same. 

NILES EXITS AS FRASIER MOVES TO ROZ'S TABLE 

FRASIER 

Roz can I talk to you? 

ROZ 

OK but remember to talk slow and don't use any big words, you don't want to confuse me. When that happens I have the tendency to run about the room screaming and repeatedly bang my head on the wall. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry all right. I was rude, patronising, and disrespectful and I'm sorry I hurt you. 

ROZ 

Then what was your problem? 

FRASIER 

We come from very different walks of life Roz. I've just always thought of myself as superior to you because of our educational backgrounds. I of all people should know not to judge a book by its cover. 

ROZ 

Except when they have naked women all over them. Then your first instincts are usually right. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm a doctor. I've been to medical school. 

ROZ 

I'm glad to hear that. The penalty for impersonating a doctor is pretty steep and you'd be as defenceless as a little girl in prison. You'd be sold in the space of five minutes for a carton of cigarettes. 

FRASIER 

My callers look up to and respect me. How were they going to do that when my producer knows than I do? 

ROZ 

You do have to have a brain to do my job Frasier, if you didn't they'd have monkey's doing it. Although I'm not saying they don't, have you seen Gill's new producer? 

FRASIER 

I heard he was turned down for the 'Plant of the Apes' movie for being too hairy. 

ROZ 

You seem to think that you're far superior to everyone and you're hell bent on proving that. You don't have to win everything Frasier. We all know how intelligent you are. Your callers respect you, if they didn't they wouldn't call. No one cares about a quiz. 

A MAN WALKS PAST AND OVERHEARS 

FRASIER 

I know. I'm sorry Roz. I just have to face the fact that I'm some sort of competitive freak. I was a pompous, snob and I promise to never treat you that way again. I'm glad it's you that beat me, I'm proud to have had a pair of ladies like you and Daphne beat me. 

MAN 

What are you a dominatrix? Can I get your phone number? What are you looking at me like that for? Oh it's not what you think. It's for my kid's birthday party. The hooker I had booked cancelled on me. 

ROZ 

Don't touch me. 

MAN 

(TO FRASIER) How about you? Do you do that kind of thing? Sometimes beggars can't be choosers. I'm not fussy. 

FRASIER 

Well I am, now be gone. 

AS THE MAN WALKS AWAY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Daphne, Niles) 

DAPHNE STANDS BY THE ISLAND IN THE LIVING ROOM DOING THE IRONING 

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) It's open. 

ENTER NILES

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh hello. What can I do for you? (UNDER HER BREATH) Like I can't already guess. 

NILES 

Daphne I am so sorry about today. 

DAPHNE 

Just today? You're not sorry you chose your brother and a bunch of dusty books over me and a can of whipped cream? 

NILES 

Oh you have no idea how sorry I am about that. But it was only for a few days. And I'm sorry for the way I behaved today. My competitive nature got the better of me again. I think it's hereditary. 

DAPHNE 

Like your weak calves. 

NILES 

Exactly. So am I forgiven? 

DAPHNE 

Of course you are. You know I can't stay mad at you. And I must also apologise for the way I spoke to you today. 

NILES WALKS UP BEHIND HER AND STARTS TO KISS HER NECK 

NILES 

Forget about it. Anyway I have some good news. In exchange for becoming celibate for a few days Frasier will pay for our vacation. And in what better way to punish him for keeping us apart then by shattering his bank balance on a tropical beach? Just you, me lying in the sun, drinking from a coconut. 

DAPHNE 

Really? 

NILES 

Really. Does this mean that I'm forgiven for choosing him over you as well? 

DAPHNE 

Call it on probation. Is it getting hot in here? 

NILES 

I wish I could take all the credit, but you're still holding on to the iron. 

THEY HUG FOR A BEAT 

DAPHNE 

I have to ask you something. Did you throw the quiz today? I know you knew the answer to that last question. 

NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH WHILE DAPHNE REMAINS BY THE ISLAND 

NILES 

I've never thrown anything in my life. Except the odd tantrum, which I learnt from Maris. Maybe, I may have accidentally on purpose given the wrong answer. 

DAPHNE 

Maybe, accidentally on purpose? Well there's nothing incriminating about that. Why did you? 

NILES 

After the way we behaved you deserved it more. And the glint in Roz's eye indicated that if I answered correctly she'd ram my buzzer down my throat. God I've missed you. Anyway I think this all be it brief period of abstinence has done me some good. 

DAPHNE 

I was thinking the same. It's good for the soul. I don't see why we can't continue with it for a while since we jumped the first hurdle so well. 

NILES 

Absolutely right. And it gives us so much more time for other things. Like long walks and deep meaningful conversations. Far more enjoyable then sex. 

DAPHNE 

And it'll last a lot longer too. It gives you a deeper respect for each other. 

NILES 

It shows that our relationship is not just built on sex. 

DAPHNE 

Not to mention it being a lot more sanitary. 

NILES 

Of course. 

A LONG BEAT 

DAPHNE 

Feeling horny as hell? 

NILES 

Like I've been in prison for the last thirty years, they cancelled conjugal visits and showed nothing but pornography on the television. 

DAPHNE 

Me too. 

NILES RUNS TO DAPHNE AND THEY GRAB EACH AND FALL TO THE FLOOR KNOCKING OVER AN AFRICAN LOVE GOD ON THE ISLAND ALONG THE WAY 

NILES 

Daphne 

DAPHNE 

Oh Niles. 

THE AFRICAN LOVE GOD EVENTUALLY FALLS OFF THE ISLAND AND HITS NILES 

NILES 

Ow! African love god. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry, oh African love god. 

NILES SHOWS IT TO HER 

NILES 

No I mean an actual African love god. 

THEY LAUGH UNTIL DAPHNE NOTICES SMOKE COMING FROM THE IRON THAT SHE HAS LEFT FACED DOWN ON ONE OF FRASIER'S SHIRTS 

DAPHNE 

The iron. 

NILES 

Well it's a little unusual, but you know more than I do. Just make sure it's cooled down first. 

DAPHNE 

No, the iron! 

THEY STAND UP, PULL THE PLUG OUT AND EXAMINE THE SHIRT. IT HAS A SILHOUETTE OF THE IRON BURNT ONTO IT 

NILES 

What the hell I'll buy him a new one. 

HE TOSSES THE SHIRT IN THE AIR AS THEY ONCE AGAIN GRAB EACH OTHER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(L) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4   
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Niles) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AS FRASIER POURS NILES AND HIMSELF A SHERRY. ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

So how did the quiz go? Did it end in the emergency room? I didn't hear them on the radio appealing for donors. 

FRASIER 

You mean you didn't listen? 

MARTIN 

Sorry, I was down at McGinty's. So what happened? 

FRASIER 

Well it matters not who won and lost... 

ENTER DAPHNE FROM THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

They beat you didn't they? 

DAPHNE 

Absolutely tattered them. 

ROZ 

Had them begging for mercy. 

DAPHNE 

Along with certain other things. 

NILES 

I notice that, that comment was only aimed at me. 

DAPHNE 

That's because everyone else in the room can keep their hormones in check, with the exception of Eddie. There's more animal in you then you think. 

ROZ 

Of the prairie dog variety. 

FRASIER 

You won by one question don't push your luck. So what were you doing down at McGinty's? 

DAPHNE 

Now the obvious answer would be drinking, so I'll guess doing an amateur production of Lord of the Dance. How did you manage to maintain your balance without your cane? 

FRASIER 

Are you forgetting who pays your wages? 

NILES 

I do along with your contribution. Which reminds me I should start to put for physical therapy rather than services rendered on my accounts, people may get the wrong idea. 

MARTIN 

I met Sherry down there. 

FRASIER AND NILES STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS 

NILES 

(DISTRAUGHT) Oh dear God... I mean really? 

MARTIN 

Oh unclench I'm not dating her again. 

FRASIER 

Are you just teasing us? Is she going to jump out from the bathroom wearing a psychedelic blouse playing her banjo or can we really celebrate? 

DAPHNE 

You two are awful. So can we celebrate? 

MARTIN 

She's the one who's been sending me the beavers. 

FRASIER 

Note the complete lack of gasps that the two are connected. I see her taste hasn't improved. 

MARTIN 

Obviously not, she wanted to get back together. 

ROZ 

How do you feel about that Martin? 

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL STARE AT ROZ 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

What? You three are being such children about this, one of us has to become the grown up psychiatrist of the situation and support him. 

MARTIN 

Nothing's changed. I still want to get re-married, she doesn't. There was nothing else to discuss so we just had a drink. 

NILES 

Are you sure you're OK? Or are you just drunk? How many fingers am I holding up? 

MARTIN 

I'm fine. I'm happy without her. 

FRASIER 

That makes two of us. In fact happy is not the word. Euphoric is more of an appropriate term. 

ROZ 

Well I'd better hit the road. Before the quiz tomorrow is the station softball tournament, I'm Captain and I need my rest. 

FRASIER 

What time am I meeting you down there? 

ROZ 

What for? Oh you want to play? 

FRASIER 

Oh course, why don't you want me to? I thought I'd be one of the first names on your team sheet. 

DAPHNE 

One of the first names crossed off the team sheet more like. 

ROZ 

Frasier how to I out this politely? 

MARTIN 

A one legged chicken would be able to bat with more accuracy. 

ROZ 

Exactly. And they'd be able to hold the bat better too. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see, I'm too athletically challenged to play on your team, is that what you're trying to say? 

ROZ 

No, that's what I'm trying really hard not to say. Why are you even interested? It's sports, you know running, jumping, sweating? 

FRASIER 

Just because a person has book smarts doesn't mean they can't be a sporting figure as well. 

NILES 

Here we go again. 

FRASIER 

Fine then I'll get my own team. 

DAPHNE 

Niles, stand still, maybe to won't be able to see you. 

FRASIER 

Isn't this right Niles? 

NILES 

Hi my name's Niles we haven't met before. The last thing I want to do is spend the morning having small balls hurtling towards my head and rolling in the dirt, I'm not Eddie. 

ROZ 

Daphne you'll be on my team won't you? 

DAPHNE 

On your bleedin' bike I will. There's no chance that I'll get mixed up with you two again. 

ROZ 

Fine, see you tomorrow slugger, when I pound you again. 

FRASIER 

Fine, be prepared to eat my dust. 

ROZ EXITS AS FRASIER PICKS UP HIS SHIRTS OFF THE TABLE 

MARTIN 

Are you telling me you are prepared to go sliding around in the dirt should you accidentally make contact with the ball? You can't hit a ball if you swung a mattress at it. 

NILES 

You wouldn't slide in the dirt if your trousers were on fire. 

FRASIER 

I can get down and dirty with the best of them. I don't always have to be prim and proper you know. What happened to my shirt? 

DAPHNE 

Quick run. 

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT TO HER ROOM 

MARTIN 

This will only end in tears. 

FRASIER 

Yes Roz's when I crush her. 

MARTIN 

I was thinking mine actually when you swing to hit the ball and probably knock yourself out with your follow through. 

AS FRASIER EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND MARTIN START TO REPACK THE BEAVERS BACK INTO THE CARDBOARD BOXES AND SEAL THEM UP. WHILE MARTIN ISN'T LOOKING FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE AND PUTS HIM IN ONE OF THE BOXES AND STARTS TO SEAL IT UP. MARTIN HEARS EDDIE WHINING THOUGH AND OPENS THE BOX. HE THEN TAKES EDDIE OUT, SLAPS FRASIER ACROSS THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND EXITS TO HIS ROOM 


	21. Episode TwentyOne

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Please give generously and send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. For every piece of feedback received £1 goes towards the help boost Kelly's confidence appeal. Please help us make her big headed and arrogant. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-One   
You Oughta Be In Pictures 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. JEWELLERY STORE — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Niles, Frasier, Store Clerk, Manager, Punk) 

NILES AND FRASIER STAND IN A LARGE JEWELLERY STORE LOOKING AT RINGS IN VARIOUS CASES. THE STORE CLERK STANDS BEHIND THE COUNTER WHILE THE MANAGER DEALS WITH ANOTHER CUSTOMER ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE. 

NILES 

What do you think of this one? 

FRASIER 

I like it Niles. I've liked the last two hundred and thirty—two rings in two states in four days that we've looked at. If you don't pick one soon you'll be too old to consummate anything on your honeymoon and will spend the time picking corn out from each other's dentures and playing back gammon. 

NILES 

You can make anything sound sexy when you put your mind to it. You're awfully snippy again today. Did you wake up on the wrong side of no one again this morning? 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't exactly put it that way. The first image that registered this morning was the sight of Eddie licking himself in a place that only dogs can reach. The next thing I knew that same little tongue was rubbing itself all over my face and other parts of my anatomy that I'd care not to mention. Needless to say remind me never again to go to sleep without shorts. 

NILES 

I thought your skin looked less oily this morning. On your face obviously, I don't want to know about the other places, I can do without that added trauma. What about this one? 

POINTING AT ANOTHER RING 

FRASIER 

Why do you assume I'm the authority on engagement rings? I'm a psychiatrist not some high society cat burglar. 

NILES 

Well because you've bought three of them. Only Elizabeth Taylor knows more on this subject than you. 

FRASIER 

Oh I've only been married twice and may I remind you that this will be three times lucky for you? 

STORE CLERK 

(UTTERLY AMAZED) You've been married twice? 

FRASIER 

Yes. And what's with the tone? Is that so hard to believe? 

STORE CLERK 

Yeah it is. Were they blind mail order brides? 

FRASIER 

As a matter of fact, no they weren't. You earn commission don't you? 

STORE CLERK 

Yes I do. 

FRASIER 

In that case we'll be purchasing off that man not you. 

THEY MOVE ACROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORE 

NILES 

I want something sizeable but not too garish. Ooh what about that one? 

FRASIER 

Niles that's a crystal ashtray. If you try slipping that on her finger you may very well break it. And I don't think that will improve your chances of getting a 'yes'. It'll just improve your chances of getting a kick in the groin. In other words my current idea of a successful date. 

NILES 

What is wrong with you? If I didn't know any better I'd say you'd forgot to put on your happy pants this morning. 

FRASIER 

If I didn't know any better I'd say you spend too much time with Daphne. I'm sorry I'm just in a rotten mood and I suspect it won't improve taking into consideration that I've got to go to work and fight past the silicone people at the station. 

NILES 

Is that the name for your new fan club? I think insane, schizophrenic people with chronic bad taste would be more appropriate. 

FRASIER 

No, and don't make fun of my fans. They're very nice people, when kept a fair distance. We're having photos taken around the station for the next year's calendar. Except Kenny doesn't want to use the real work force of the station this year. Oh no. He has to bring in a bunch of artificial models to do the job. 

NILES 

This is eating you up isn't it? 

FRASIER 

Like a cannibal coming to the end of a sponsored famine. I work at that station it should be my face on the calendar. I mean what's the matter aren't I handsome enough? 

NILES 

In my opinion, no Frasier, you're not. But I'm not in this relationship for your looks, but for who you are, honey-bun. 

FRASIER 

Keep your voice down, this is how rumours get started and I have enough trouble attracting women without adding the repellent of them believing I'm gay to the mixture as well. 

NILES 

Maybe they just don't think a calendar with you wearing a bikini, smothered in baby oil spread across the console on the front cover will be a best seller. They want people to mark special occasions on them, not bring up their breakfast on them. And anyway Frasier you have your face on buses is that not enough? 

FRASIER 

No. 

NILES 

Hey I just thought of something, you're the only person I can say, "you look like the back end of a bus" to and you can't get offended. 

FRASIER 

Can't I? Try me. Do you want me to help you or not? 

NILES 

Of course I do. 

MANAGER 

Is this ring for an engagement? Or is it something for you to wear? 

NILES 

Well it's a diamond ring from the engagement section, so the obvious guess would be I need something dressy to go with my new diamond earrings and black purse I was given for Christmas to attend the opera in. It's for my girlfriend. (TO FRASIER) Now look at this one. What do you think? 

FRASIER 

It's very nice, in a wrist and bank breaking kind of way. If the sun catches it right she'll be able to blind everyone in a four-block radius. That is if she'll be able to lift her arm. 

NILES 

Now what would you think if you were Daphne? 

FRASIER 

What the hell am I doing sleeping with you and massaging Dad's ass on the money I pay her. Oh that reminds me of the craziest thing my Grammy Moon used to say. 

NILES 

Would you mind not mocking the woman I love. 

FRASIER 

I would mind actually, it's become somewhat of a hobby of late. So when are you going to propose? Are you going to surprise her? 

NILES 

No I don't want to surprise her, I thought I'd tell her about it and then propose to her. Given the fact that she has no clue I'm going to do this, she shouldn't be surprised in the least. 

FRASIER 

I'll let that one go, but only for the fact that finally one of is marrying someone that the other one can stand the sight of. 

A PUNK DRESSED ALL IN LEATHER WITH MORE BODY PIERCING'S THEN YOU CAN COUNT WITHOUT LOOSING TRACK ENTERS

NILES 

And even if you couldn't I'd rather poke your eyes out with a sharp stick so you wouldn't have to stand the sight of her than leave her. That's it, this is the ring. 

PUNK 

Oh are you going to buy that one? 

NILES 

(BACKING AWAY) Yes, why? 

PUNK 

I was just going to buy it for my fiancée that's all. It's such a beautiful ring, don't you think? 

NILES 

Well you should know, you have such wonderful taste. (SMOOTHING OUT HIS LEATHER WAIST COAT) I'm sure it'll match her nose ring and the tattoo on her forehead. In fact here you go, I don't like it that much. 

NILES, WIPING HIS HANDS ON HIS HANDKERCHIEF, AND FRASIER MOVE TOWARDS THE EXIT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(HORRIFIED) What kind of store is this? 

FRASIER 

Thankfully for some, not one that you have to pass through a metal detector prior to entering. 

NILES 

Let's go back to the store where they gave us that Brie. 

FRASIER 

I am not driving back to Portland. And you didn't even like anything there, you just kept muttering 'tacky, tacky, tacky' to yourself. 

NILES 

I know but I'm beginning to feel a bit queasy, I want to know what the expiration date on that Brie was. 

NILES EXITS HOLDING HIS STOMACH 

FRASIER 

You'd better not vomit in my car, I've just had it serviced. 

NILES 

(FROM OUTSIDE) It's all me, me, me with you isn't it? 

AS FRASIER EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'SHE ACTUALLY USES A BRANDING IRON TO MARK HER MEN' 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Roz, Frasier, Kenny, Brock, Lucy, Gill) 

THE SHOW HAS FINISHED AND AS FRASIER CLOSES UP HIS BRIEFCASE, ROZ PRESSES HERSELF UP THE WINDOW LOOKING OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR STARING AT ALL THE MODELS 

ROZ 

(FANNING HERSELF) Oh my God. Oh my God. 

FRASIER 

Roz control yourself, it's just a bunch of models not the actual Lord and saviour standing out there. 

ROZ 

I know but they are just so pretty. I just want to spread them on a cracker and spend a couple of hours licking it off. 

FRASIER 

It's nice to know your hormones are well under control. 

ROZ 

Under control? They caught the sent and I unleashed them to sent mark and defend everything with tight buns in tight leather trousers in the building. 

FRASIER 

Spare me. 

ROZ 

Don't worry I will. The only thing tight about you is your ass. I'm sorry Frasier that one even surprised me. Oh my God, so pretty. 

FRASIER 

How can you tell under all that make-up? For all you know he could look just like... 

ROZ 

(BLUNTLY) You 

FRASIER 

I was going to say like Frankenstein after failed plastic surgery in which he was turned into a half monster-half wilder beast, but the tone that you said "you" in was far more insulting to me. 

ROZ 

Then I'll just have to rub myself all over him, until I get it all off, and I don't mean the make-up. Oh come to momma. 

ROZ EXITS AS KENNY ENTERS

KENNY 

Hi Doc, how are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Kenny I still can't believe you did this. Not only did you not let the stars on the station pose for this calendar but you had to bring all of these people down here and cause this distraction. 

KENNY 

Oh they haven't cause that much of a distraction. 

FRASIER 

Oh really? There was a four-car pile up outside the building when they pulled up, but fortunately Chopper Dave was already here to cover it since he didn't want to fly today because he'd miss all the pretty people and to top it all off when I asked Roz who was on the line, the response I got was 'pretty, pretty, pretty'. Something that Brenda, who had a self-esteem problem because in her words she looks like something that escaped from Easter Island, didn't appreciate. 

KENNY 

Ok so maybe it was a bad idea. What do you want me to do about it? 

FRASIER 

Hose Roz down for starters. Either that or fit her with a bib to mop up some of the drool. She nearly short-circuited all the phone lines when Mr. August walked past the window. 

ROZ ENTERS WITH BROCK

ROZ 

Frasier I want you to meet Brock Valentine or Mr. December. 

BROCK 

That's the month I'm on, not my secret identity by the way. People usually call me Mr. Valentine not Mr. December. 

FRASIER 

(JOKING) Of the Tacoma Valentines I take it? 

BROCK 

That's right. How do you do Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

Just fine thankyou Brock. 

ROZ 

Brock's a campaigner for animal rights. 

FRASIER 

(JOKING) Really? What like, the right to vote? Or the right for them to attend church on Sunday's? 

BROCK 

Yes that's right, it's just not fair to ignore their voice and deny them the chance to worship the Lord just because they walk on three legs and lick themselves. 

FRASIER 

You mean four legs? 

BROCK 

Not my dog I don't. I ran him over backing out my car. 

FRASIER 

I see. 

BROCK 

I didn't, he ran right out behind me. It took me a while to realise what it was. I felt for sure that I didn't have a speed bump on my driveway. But who knows what work has been done in the night. And anyway if you saw it happen why didn't you warn me? Surely you could have shot up a flare or something. 

ROZ 

He didn't mean it like that. Brock's going to take me down to this cute little bar he knows after he's finished with the photo shoot. 

BROCK 

It's great, there's a new pinball machine down there, which you just have to try out. You have to head butt it! 

KENNY 

Why do you do that? To get a free game? 

BROCK 

No, it gives you the most amazing head rush. You see stars for ages once the headache and the nausea eventually go away. Anyway I'll catch you later Roz. 

BROCK EXITS WITH KENNY AS ROZ STARES AFTER HIM 

ROZ 

(FANNING HERSELF) Oh my God, could he be anymore... 

FRASIER 

Blatantly and dangerously stupid? 

ROZ 

No gorgeous. Come on you have to admit that even you want to run up to him and plant a big wet one on those pretty cheeks. 

FRASIER 

I hope you're referring to the cheeks on his face. 

ROZ 

Interpret it anyway that'll make you feel better. 

FRASIER 

I do not want to kiss any part of his anatomy thankyou very much. And how do you know about my 'wet one's' anyway? 

ROZ 

I spoke to Rita in accounting after you got drunk and made out with her at the Christmas party. Trust me the comparison with you and her ninety-year-old Grandmother sucking an egg with no teeth in wasn't flattering. I'd have a word with her if I were you before she tells anyone else. I'd have done it myself but I was too busy rolling around laughing. 

FRASIER 

Moving swiftly along, why are you going out with him anyway? 

ROZ 

Do I really need to tell you, or shall I just leave it up to your imagination. I don't what to make smoke come out of your ears. But I'll draw a diagram if you want me to. 

FRASIER 

You have absolutely nothing in common, apart from the desire for a certain amount of friction between your bodies. 

ROZ 

So? 

FRASIER 

There is obviously no chance of a future with this man, unless you intend to keep him as a pet. 

ROZ 

Well you never know one day... 

FRASIER 

Science may move along far enough for a brain transplant? I wouldn't hold my breath. 

ROZ 

What's wrong with just having a little fun? 

FRASIER 

This relationship is just based on a sexual attraction. 

ROZ 

Is there a better place to start? 

FRASIER 

I just don't approve OK. It's not right to date someone, solely based on looks just for a quick roll in the hay when you know very well that it has no future. 

ROZ 

Oh believe me it won't be quick roll. I intend to find us a very steep hill and I'm not stopping until I hit the bottom and the Police arrive to arrest us unless we get dressed in the next two seconds. By the way that actually happened. Didn't you just love college? 

FRASIER 

I'll try to contain my amazement. 

ROZ EXITS THROUGH HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER GATHERS HIS BRIEFCASE AND EXITS CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM 

RESET TO: 

INT. KACL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GOES TO TURN THE CORNER AS KENNY AND LUCY APPROACH HIM. SHE IS WEARING AN OUTFIT THAT LOOKS AS IF IT'S MADE PURELY FROM LEOPARD SKIN 

KENNY 

Hey Doc, I have someone I want to introduce you to. This is Lucy Day or Miss. September, as she's also known. She's a really big fan of your show. 

FRASIER IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO TRIP OVER HIS OWN TONGUE 

LUCY 

It's true I am. I've been turning you on for years. 

FRASIER 

Well what can I say, I'm an awfully big fan of yours as well. 

LUCY 

Oh you buy a lot of teenage girl magazines? I wouldn't repeat that in front of any Police officers. 

FRASIER 

Oh no, only when there's a free gift, like a lipstick or a make-up case. It looks as if I'm wearing a little blush right now. 

LUCY 

But in a very adorable way. 

FRASIER 

So Lucy what do you do? 

GILL OPENS THE BOOTH DOOR AND ENTERS LEAVING IT OPEN. THIS IS UNSEEN BY FRASIER 

LUCY 

(CONFUSED) I'm a model. I'm here for the photo shoot. 

FRASIER 

Oh of course yes. Sorry a slight sudden case of temporally amnesia. It's stress probably. I'm fine now. I'm a psychiatrist. 

LUCY 

I know. As I said I'm a fan of your show. Although to be honest and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I think psychiatry is a lot of hooey. 

FRASIER 

Maybe you're right. After all Freud wanted to sleep with his mother, and was obsessed with his penis that's hardly a person to preach from. Lock up and poke with pointed sticks more like. This is a very striking outfit. 

LUCY 

I just adore cats. I love the feel of their fur. If I could I'd spend all day naked, with just my kittens running about all over my bare flesh. 

FRASIER 

(MESMERISED) Really? 

FRASIER GOES TO PUT HIS HAND ON THE BOOTH DOOR TO LEAN ON IT AND STEADY HIMSELF. AS IT'S NOW OPEN THERE IS NOTHING TO STOP HIM FROM FALLING AND HE LANDS FLAT ON THE FLOOR 

LUCY 

(CONCERNED) Are you OK? 

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN 

FRASIER 

I'm fine. I was just inspecting the tiles there. They seem fine apart from the one I just cracked with my elbow. 

LUCY 

(EMBARRASSED) Well it was nice meeting you. 

FRASIER 

Likewise. 

LUCY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER AS FRASIER PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh my God could I have made a bigger idiot of myself? 

KENNY 

Only if you'd have passed out and peed down your leg. By the way I've done that, and I didn't get any. She's obviously hot for you, why don't you ask her out? 

FRASIER 

I can't do that. Not after all the fuss I made to Roz about doing exactly the same thing. That would make me sound like such a hypocrite. It would make me seem a superficial as she is. I doubt we have anything in common and the whole relationship would be based purely on a sexual attraction. 

KENNY 

Just don't tell Roz. 

FRASIER 

Kenny why do you have to over simplify absolutely everything? (THEN) Kenny you're a genius. 

LUCY ENTERS FOLLOWING A CAMERAMAN AS KENNY EXITS INTO THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Excuse me, Lucy. I was just wondering if you would like to... 

ROZ ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Quick get in here. 

FRASIER PUSHES LUCY INTO THE MEN'S ROOM AND THEY EXIT

RESET TO: 

INT. KACL MEN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER PUSHES LUCY INTO THE EMPTY MEN'S ROOM AND THEN CLOSES THE DOOR 

LUCY 

As much as I like the inside of men's rooms, what with that funky smell and the strange fungus growing on the ceiling, I don't really want to watch you pee if it's all the same with you. 

FRASIER 

(BEGINNING TO RAMBLE) I was just hiding from my producer Roz. Because you see she has a big crush on me and I didn't want to upset her because I wanted to ask you if you'd go out with me sometime? 

LUCY 

I would love to. I noticed a real attraction between us but I didn't want to act on it in case I scared you off. Now I guess I don't have to worry. 

LUCY THEN POUNCES ON FRASIER AND KISSES HIM. THEY FALL BACK THROUGH THE DOOR INTO ONE OF THE CUBICLES AS KENNY ENTERS

KENNY 

Doc, you have a lot to learn about first dates. Like it's not a good idea to do that with a toilet brush. 

AS KENNY EXITS AGAIN TO LEAVE THEM ALONE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Eddie) 

FRASIER IS TALKING ON THE PHONE IN THE DARKENED APARTMENT APART FROM THE FLICKER OF THE FIRE AND SEVERAL CANDLES. HE HAS A BOTTLE OF WINE AND TWO GLASSES ON THE TABLE. EDDIE SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR AND WATCHES HIM 

FRASIER 

(ON THE PHONE) Niles just calm down. Now the possibility that she'll say no is so remote I wouldn't even concern yourself with it. I wasn't suggesting that she would say no. Of course she'll say yes. Niles stop hyperventilating. Niles you'll pass out if you're not careful. And seeing you unconscious on the floor without pants and drooling may give Daphne the wrong impression of the evening ahead. Niles...? What an idiot. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM WITH HIS COAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Dad are you leaving now? 

MARTIN 

Don't worry I'm on my way. I don't know where to yet, but I'm going. I'll probably just end up walking the streets all night that's if I don't get attacked. But even if I do, don't feel obligated to come down to the morgue straight away to identify my body, you finish your date first, I won't be going anywhere after all. 

FRASIER 

(IGNORING HIM) OK, bye Dad. 

MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS FRASIER OPENS THE WINE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

You could learn a lot from me young Edward. About that old thing could love. Amore. You'll learn that you don't just pounce on your date like a leopard on a zebra carcass. Or should I say you don't just pounce on my towel warmer, especially when I turn up the temperature. And if I catch you doing it again, I very well may do that. I'm not afraid to grill that little Vienna sausage of yours. Now a little romantic music, enough to cement the deal. 

SFX: TELEPHONE

FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE AS HE TURNS THE STEREO ON 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(ON THE PHONE) Oh what now. Niles you passed out you idiot, just put your pants back on. Oh sorry, hi Roz. Oh you know just having a quiet evening in. No, that's OK you enjoy your date even though it's wrong. You have nothing in common with the man. You'll only in it for his looks and the certainty of having sex. I am not jealous. It's just not the right thing to do. I'm not trying to make you feel a bit guilty. I'm trying to make you feel so guilty that the thought of touching any part of his anatomy will cause you to feel nauseous and vomit on his pretty shoes. Don't you dare hang up on me. Don't you dare. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SEES EDDIE STARING AT HIM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh now don't you look at me like that. I'm not a hypocrite. I know that it's wrong, where as she doesn't, so therefore that makes it OK for me but not for her. My point is valid and correct. Did I ask for your opinion? 

EDDIE HIDES HIS FACE DOWN THE SIDE OF MARTIN'S CHAIR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I didn't ask you to agree with me. 

AS FRASIER POURS THE WINE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'HAVING A STANDARD, GOD GIVEN, COUGH REFLEX WOULD HAVE MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' FIRST FLOOR LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Martin, Daphne, Niles) 

NILES IN HIS BEST SUIT SITS ON THE COUCH ON HIS FIRST FLOOR, WITH DAPHNE SITTING CLOSE NEXT TO HIM ON HIS RIGHT AND MARTIN ASLEEP ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH ON HIS LEFT. THE ROOM IS DARK APART FROM THE FLICKER THAT COMES FROM THE TELEVISION SET. AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO SNORE AND DAPHNE IS TRANSFIXED ON THE TELEVISION SCREEN, NILES SNUGGLES IN CLOSER TO HER. HE TURNS AND GOES TO KISS HER NECK WHEN THE FILM CAUSES HER TO JUMP AND SCREAM. THIS IN TURN FRIGHTENS NILES AND CAUSES HIM TO SHOUT AND WAKE UP MARTIN 

MARTIN 

(SLEEPILY) What is going on? 

DAPHNE 

Sorry the movie frightened me. Decapitation scenes always do that to me. Especially when a bunny is involved. 

MARTIN 

And why were you squealing? 

NILES 

Daphne frightened me. 

DAPHNE 

That's finished. I'm going to be having nightmares all night tonight, you see if I don't. 

DAPHNE SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION AS NILES TURNS ON A LAMP 

MARTIN 

That makes two of us. 

NILES 

Oh you slept through most of it, what nightmares could you possibly be having? 

MARTIN 

Nightmares of the fact you made me stand out on the balcony in the rain to eat my pizza and then hoovered me in case I had any crumbs on me. I could have brought Eddie to do that. 

NILES 

Oh and that's just what I want as well, dog hairs. This is a very expensive couch. (HORRIFIED) That you've been drooling on for the last hour! Dear God Dad is there no off switch on your saliva? You're going to drown yourself one of these days unless we build you some sort of arc to wear around your neck. 

MARTIN 

Oh quit your moaning. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

NILES STARTS TO CLEAR THE DINNING TABLE AS DAPHNE HELPS MARTIN DOWN THE STAIRS 

MARTIN 

Thanks a lot guys for letting me clear out here. But when Frasier said he had a date I was so surprised that I didn't know where to clear out to. Are you sure I wasn't interrupting anything special? 

NILES BLOWS OUT TWO CANDLES THAT HAVE BURNT RIGHT DOWN ON THE TABLE 

NILES 

Oh course not Dad, why would you possibly think that? (UNDER HIS BREATH) The fact that I'm going to club you with the candelabra is a completely unrelated matter. 

MARTIN 

Well it should be safe to go home now. 

DAPHNE 

This is one of Dr. Crane's dates remember. It's pretty much safe to go home ten minutes after his date arrives. By that time they've normally burst into tears and are trying to throw themselves off the balcony. Either that or rendering a knife and threatening to use it on him if he says one more word. 

MARTIN 

I guess your right. Well I'm off to hit the sack. 

NILES 

You can't possibly have any more sleep left in you. Have you ever considered the fact that you may have narcolepsy? Or sleeping sickness? Or be one step away from lapsing into a small coma? 

MARTIN 

Nope but I've often considered the fact that I have smart-assed kids. Daphne are you coming? 

DAPHNE 

No, I'm going to stop here tonight. Are you sure you're going to be all right getting home on your own? 

MARTIN 

I think so, I just need to remember don't take rides or candy off strangers and if I get lost to find a Policeman. But can you write the directions on the back of my hand again please? 

DAPHNE 

Fine, off you go, you miserable old sod. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PLATES OFF THE TABLE AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

I'll see you tomorrow Dad. 

MARTIN 

Yeah bye son, have a nice evening. 

MARTIN EXITS AND NILES SHUTS THE DOOR BEFORE TAKING OUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING FROM HIS POCKET. HE PUTS IT BACK IN HIS POCKET AND THEN PRACTICES BY BENDING DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND PULLING OUT THE RING. HE DOES THIS SEVERAL TIMES WHILE PSYCHING HIMSELF UP. HE THEN STANDS, TAKES A DEEP BREATHE, DRINKS A GLASS OF WINE FROM THE TABLE AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE HAS HER BACK TO THE DOOR WASHING SOME PLATES UP AS NILES ENTERS. SHE DOESN'T HEAR HIM AND CONTINUES TO WASH UP. NILES OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK BUT THEN CHANGES HIS MIND. INSTEAD HE SNEAKS UP BEHIND HER AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER WAIST. THE MOMENT HE TOUCHES HER, SHE JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN, SCREAMS, GRABS HIS FINGER AND BENDS IT BACK REDUCING HIM TO ON HIS KNEES 

NILES 

Oh my God Daphne what are you doing? 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry you scared me. I didn't know who it was. 

NILES 

You're in my apartment. Who did you think it was? Winston Churchill offering you a cigar and a cup of tea? 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry but that movie frightened me. How was I to know you weren't going to make a set of bagpipes from my liver? 

NILES 

Because I'm Niles. Remember we've met before? It was right before you left your fiancé and slept with me. 

DAPHNE 

Are you all right? Did I hurt you? 

NILES 

No my finger has always bent back that far. It's a party trick. (VERY APOLOGETICALLY) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 

DAPHNE 

Sit down and I'll get you some ice for it. 

NILES SITS AT THE TABLE AS DAPHNE GETS SOME ICE FROM THE FREEZER 

NILES 

It's not that bad actually. It doesn't hurt anymore. 

DAPHNE SITS DOWN AND LOOKS AT HIS FINGER 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure? Let me see. Does it hurt when I do this? 

SHE STARTS TO BEND HIS FINGER BACK 

NILES 

No 

DAPHNE 

How about this? 

NILES 

No 

DAPHNE 

What about this? 

SFX: A SNAPPING NOISE

NILES 

Ok now it's excruciating. Pain flying up my arm and into my ear. And leg's going numb! 

DAPHNE 

I think I've broken it. 

NILES 

OK I'm possibly about to faint. Yes I was right. 

THE MOMENT NILES FINISHES SPEAKING, HIS EYES CLOSE AND HE PASSES OUT, LANDING WITH HIS HEAD BANGING ON THE TABLE 

DAPHNE 

(POKING HIM) Niles! Niles! I'll have to take you to the emergency room. 

DAPHNE WALKS UP BEHIND NILES AND HOOKS HER ARMS UNDER HIS AND LIFTS HIM OUT OF THE CHAIR AND LIES HIM DOWN ON THE FLOOR. SHE THEN GRABS HIS FEET AND STARTS TO DRAG HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN, WHILE STRETCHING TO KEEP THE DOOR FROM SLAMMING ON HIM. EVENTUALLY SHE LOOSES CONTROL OF THE DOOR, IT SWINGS SHUT AND HITS NILES ON THE HEAD, WHICH IS STILL IN THE DOORWAY. SHE THEN PULLS HIM OUT OF THE DOOR AND GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES TO EXAMINE HIS HEAD 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh what the hell I'll tell him he did it when he passed out. 

AS DAPHNE DRAGS NILES THROUGH THE DOOR AND THEY EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Lucy) 

LUCY SITS ON THE FLOOR IN THE LOTUS POSITION BY THE BAR AS FRASIER WATCHES FROM OFF THE COUCH AND MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN 

Hi Frasier, is the coast clear? 

FRASIER 

What do you mean? 

MARTIN 

Have you seen any German's trying to invade? Hitler's back and he's more determined then ever. What do you think I mean? Has your date gone yet? 

FRASIER 

Not exactly Dad. 

MARTIN 

Oh well don't worry, I'll go to my room. 

FRASIER 

There's no need really. 

MARTIN 

Yeah but I don't want to see that. It's bad enough I walked in on Niles and Daphne that one time. I'm traumatised for life as it is without seeing you as well. Where is she? 

FRASIER 

She's over there meditating. She hasn't spoken or moved in the last hour and a half. If it goes on much longer I may have to call the paramedics. I'm not one hundred percent sure she isn't dead. 

MARTIN 

Well an evening's conversation with you can have that effect on a perfectly healthy person. 

FRASIER 

It must happen a lot, you get yourself so relaxed that your heart just stops. 

MARTIN 

It happens all the time, that's why hot tubs are such death traps. Those air jets work so well that they relax you right into a casket six feet under. That's why they all come with health warnings these days. Why did I even bother to send you to medical school? 

FRASIER 

Dad can you help me here? 

MARTIN 

Fine, you breathe for her, I'll pound her chest with my cane. If her breastplate breaks we'll say a ceiling tile fell on her. 

FRASIER 

I didn't mean that. Dad, I'm in real trouble. I'm dating a model, one of the most beautiful women in the world and she wants to sleep with me desperately. 

MARTIN 

Dear God you are in trouble. How will you ever over come this trauma? You stay here I'll call the sanatorium and see if they can come by with some sedatives and a straight jacket. 

FRASIER 

That's very amusing. She is by far one of the most intelligent and articulate people I've met for a long time. She's well read she even speaks a couple of languages. 

MARTIN 

Then what's the big deal? 

FRASIER 

Apart from being able to send soup back in three different languages we have absolutely nothing in common. She thinks psychiatry is a whole lot of hooey and she's a cat person. 

MARTIN 

So you've dated cat people before. 

FRASIER 

Not one that likes to strip naked and roll around with their kittens. Hell she even started to rub Eddie up her legs at one point this evening until the static got too much and we could stick him to the wall. 

MARTIN 

That's a little strange but I still don't see what you're problem is. 

FRASIER 

She started to sent mark your chair. This relationship is based solely on a psychical attraction. If it weren't for her looks I wouldn't have even asked her out. 

MARTIN 

Once again I don't see what your problem is. We all know you're shallow, we've known for years. 

FRASIER 

Thanks Dad. I am such a hypocrite. I got on my high horse and took a bite out of Roz for doing exactly the same thing. And now here I am doing it as well. 

MARTIN 

Life doesn't have to be this hard Frasier. What's wrong with having a little fun? 

FRASIER 

But I know this isn't going to go anywhere, so I should end it. This is just something I shouldn't be doing. 

MARTIN 

You've been through this before with Caitlin. This time you're looking for someone to tell you that it's all right since you mouthed off at Roz. This is what it's about. You want to be told that it's all right for you to do this but not for her. 

FRASIER 

Well go on then. 

MARTIN 

Frasier for once in your safe button down life have a little fun. Don't think about the consequences. I mean who knows when the next time that a beautiful model... well anything female that moves will want to sleep with you. Enjoy it. 

FRASIER 

You know sometimes Dad you're quite the motivational speaker. And by the way that wasn't at all insulting or a knock to my confidence. 

MARTIN 

Just make sure Roz doesn't catch you. 

SUDDENLY LUCY OPENS HER EYES AND STANDS UP 

FRASIER 

Agreed. Oh Lucy are you feeling all right? 

LUCY 

Do you have an angora sweater or something? I feel the need to rub myself up something comforting. 

MARTIN 

Well I'd offer but I'm tired. 

AS MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM CUBICLE — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Dr. Kramer, Niles, Daphne) 

NILES, WITH AN ICE PACK WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGERS, AND DAPHNE STAND WAITING IN A SIDE CUBICLE IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM. DR. KRAMER ENTERS AND CLOSES THE CURTAIN 

DR. KRAMER 

Well hello there sonny. Have you got a boo-boo? 

NILES 

Excuse me? I've hurt my finger, I haven't gone insane, they must have mis-marked my chart. 

DR. KRAMER 

I'm sorry, I normally work with children. Sometimes I just forget and slip right into my old routine. Now if you just jump up here on to Mr. Bed I'll be with you in two shakes of Larry the Lambs tail. 

NILES CLIMBS UP ONTO THE BED AND LIES DOWN AS DR. KRAMER EXITS

DAPHNE 

Let me take that ice pack off. 

DAPHNE SLOWLY UNWRAPS THE ICEPACK FROM AROUND HIS FINGER 

NILES 

Ouch 

DAPHNE 

Ouch 

NILES 

Ouch 

DAPHNE 

Oh ouch 

NILES 

This is my finger, let me do the ouches. Ouch! Tell me again what happened to my head? 

DAPHNE 

You hit the edge of the table when you passed out. 

NILES 

Then why does it hurt on both sides? 

DAPHNE 

It was one of those freak occurrences honey. Your head bounced like a Ping-Pong ball off the table and kept turning around, like a pig on a spit roast. 

NILES 

I'm sorry I yelled at you. 

HE KISSES HER 

DAPHNE 

Niles I practically snapped your finger in two you have every right to yell. 

NILES 

Well can I suggest that we never watch another horror movie as long as we live? I'm afraid of what you'll snap next. 

DAPHNE 

I agree. We'll stick to Disney and all things rated G. 

NILES 

I know this isn't exactly the most appropriate place, but I want you to hold onto it until we get home. I have something to give you. 

NILES PUTS HIS GOOD HAND IN HIS POCKET AND FISHES AROUND ONLY TO FIND THAT IT IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR A PIECE OF LINT 

DAPHNE 

What is it? 

NILES 

It's err... this piece of lint. 

HE GIVES HER THE PIECE OF LINT AND SHE PRETENDS TO LIKE IT 

DAPHNE 

Oh wouldn't you know, just what I always wanted. 

NILES 

I thought as much. It matches your eyes. 

DAPHNE 

It's red. 

NILES 

Well obviously when they're bloodshot. 

NILES LOOKS AWAY DISAPPOINTED, AS DAPHNE IS COMPLETELY BEWILDERED AND DR. KRAMER ENTERS WITH A DOCTOR PUPPET ON HIS HAND AND WEARING A PAIR OF VERY THICK GLASSES 

DR. KRAMER 

And I'm back and so is Dr. Spoggles. Say hello to Dr. Spoggles. Oh he likes you. Don't worry these aren't my real glasses, they're just the ones I operate in. I'm only joking. They don't let me operate anymore. I'm prone to violent spasms in my arm, which isn't a good thing when you're trying to sow up an artery inside someone's open chest wound. I often miss and sow it to their forehead. And besides I was getting fed up with all the law suits, it gets a little boring when people keep pointing fingers and calling you incompetent for the thirtieth or fortieth time. I mean buddy think of something new to say. Now let's take a look at this finger. All we can do is strap it together with you other fingers. Now this may be a little sore. 

DR. KRAMER BEGINS TO STRAP HIS FINGERS TOGETHER AS NILES SQUIRMS AROUND DUE TO THE PAIN 

NILES 

Ouch, ouch 

DR. KRAMER 

OK now just breathe, breathe. Take in deep breaths. Maybe you can coach him with his breathing. 

DAPHNE HOLDS NILES' GOOD HAND AND KEEPS HIM CLOSE. FROM THIS MOMENT ON NILES' BREATHING AND THE WAY HE IS BEING COACHED LOOKS LIKE HE IS ACTUALLY GIVING BIRTH 

DAPHNE 

Come on honey, you're doing so well. Just breathe through it. 

DR. KRAMER 

Almost done. 

NILES 

Ouch, ouch. Haven't you got any drugs? 

DR. KRAMER 

Well my brother used to deal...oh you mean hospital drugs? 

NILES 

No, worming powder for cats. Oh course hospital drugs. 

DR. KRAMER 

I'm sorry it's too late for that. 

DAPHNE 

Just keep breathing honey. Here let me rub your back. 

DAPHNE PUSHES HIM FORWARD AND STARTS TO RUB HIS BACK 

NILES 

Oh my God!!!! (TO DAPHNE) You did this to me. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just keep breathing. 

NILES 

That's it, if you ever touch me again, I'll drop you with a deer rifle. Ouch, ouch. 

DR. KRAMER 

(TO DAPHNE) It's OK they all say that. 

DAPHNE 

You're so brave, you're so brave. I'm so proud of you. 

DR. KRAMER 

I need you to try to bend your fingers forward. OK now push. 

DAPHNE 

Come on honey push. 

DR. KRAMER 

And we're almost done. Push once more for me. 

NILES 

I can't it hurts too much. 

DAPHNE 

Just once more. I'm here for you. 

DR. KRAMER 

Just keep breathing, you're almost done. And here we go. You're all done. I'll just leave you two alone for a moment. 

DR. KRAMER PLACES NILES' BANDAGED HAND ON HIS LAP AND NILES AND DAPHNE STARE DOWN LOVINGLY AT IT LIKE A NEWBORN BABY 

DAPHNE 

I'm so proud of you. 

SHE KISSES THE TOP OF HIS HEAD 

DR. KRAMER 

Before I go, here have a lollypop sonny. 

DR. KRAMER GIVES HIM THE LOLLYPOP, TUSSLES HIS HAIR AND THEN SHAKES HIS BAD HAND. THE PAIN ONCE AGAIN CAUSES NILES TO PASS OUT AND THEN FALL OFF THE BED ONTO THE FLOOR 

DAPHNE 

OK he can't blame me for this one. 

AS DR. KRAMER EXITS DAPHNE ATTENDS TO NILES AND WE:

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE BENEFITS OF HAVING A BACK DOOR' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3   
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Lucy, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS EATING HIS BREAKFAST AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

Morning Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Morning Dad. 

MARTIN 

How did the rest of your date go last night? I see her coat is still hanging up. 

FRASIER 

Nothing happened. She ripped open one of my pillows, pulled out all the feathers, placed them on the floor under the bed and that's where she slept all night occasionally meowing and purring so loud it sounded as if she was drilling a hole through the floorboards. 

MARTIN 

You sure can pick them. Never play a game of Russian Roulette. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER, NILES WITH HIS HAND STILL BANDAGED 

DAPHNE 

Good morning boys. 

MARTIN 

Morning. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH HIS EMPTY BOWL AS FRASIER, WITH A BEAMING SMILE ACROSS HIS FACE, GOES TO EMBRACE DAPHNE 

FRASIER 

Good morning Daphne, Niles. And may I be the first one to congratulate you on... 

NILES WAVES FRANTICALLY FROM BEHIND DAPHNE'S BACK TO FRASIER TO STOP HIM FROM SAYING ANYTHING 

DAPHNE 

On what? 

FRASIER 

(COVERING) On wearing a coat outside. Some people mistake the sight of sunshine for warm weather, but you could still catch a cold out there. 

DAPHNE 

OK, have you been drinking this morning? 

FRASIER 

No. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM 

NILES 

Nice save. I'm not referring to your sanity. 

FRASIER 

What's going on? I thought you were all set to pop the question last night. What happened? 

NILES HOLDS UP HIS BANDAGED HAND 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I see, so she just broke your finger. Well I'd interpret that as a 'no' if I were you. It'll save you the embarrassment of booking a church and her not showing up. 

NILES 

And you'd know all about that. I didn't get that far. Dad showed up with a video, which scared her to death. Then when he left, I went to do it, but I spooked her and my no longer being able to dial my phone is the result. And although it wasn't the most romantic place, I tried to do it in the emergency room, but my ring was gone. I guess it must have fallen out of my pocket while Daphne was dragging me across the floor. 

FRASIER 

Why was she dragging you across the floor? 

NILES 

I passed out. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear. Well next time try doing it in a room full of bubble wrap to avoid any unnecessary injuries. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND NOTICES NILES' HAND 

MARTIN 

Hey Niles what happened to your finger? 

NILES 

Daphne broke it. 

MARTIN 

I know she's your girlfriend and you love her and all but you have to remember, no means no. 

NILES 

That stupid movie frightened her. And then she just attacked me. I'm just thankful that she was washing the plates and not the cutlery at the time. She could have cut it off altogether. 

MARTIN 

In that case just be thankful that it was your finger and nothing else. That would have made your eyes water. 

NILES 

Thanks for the sympathy Dad. 

MARTIN 

You're my son, you're welcome. 

LUCY ENTERS WEARING ONE OF FRASIER'S SHIRTS. NILES' JAW DROPS OPEN THE MOMENT HE SEES HER 

LUCY 

Good morning everyone. 

FRASIER 

Good morning. Lucy let me introduce you to my brother, Niles. Niles this is Lucy. 

NILES 

It's a pleasure to meet you. 

LUCY 

Likewise. 

FRASIER 

There's some coffee in the kitchen if you'd like a cup. 

LUCY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Niles stop pulling that face. You look like a dead fish. Nothing happened last night. 

NILES 

That's your date? My God did you drug her or just cast a spell to get her to go out with you? No wait it's a bribe isn't it? 

FRASIER 

No. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

NILES 

Wow! What a babe-er-rama! 

DAPHNE 

Are my ears burning? 

LUCY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A CUP OF COFFEE 

LUCY 

Good morning. 

DAPHNE 

Of course they're not how silly of me to think it. 

LUCY EXITS TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM 

NILES 

(GRINNING UNCONTROLLABLY) She's a model. She's Frasier's. 

DAPHNE 

Well you can't borrow her so don't even think about asking. (TO FRASIER) I don't believe you. 

FRASIER 

What? I'm a man. I'm allowed to be superficial. It's expected. 

DAPHNE 

After all that fuss you made to Roz about that bloke and you do the same thing. 

FRASIER 

I have not done the same thing. To start with she's not a 'bloke', second of all (BEGINNING TO WHINE) I'm a bad, bad man aren't I? I'll never hear the end of it if Roz finds out. 

DAPHNE 

Then you know what you have to do, to make sure she doesn't find out. 

FRASIER 

I am not bribing you. 

DAPHNE 

That's not what I was thinking. 

MARTIN 

I was 

NILES 

Me too. 

DAPHNE 

No, you get rid of her and then she won't find out. And I don't mean clubbing her on the head and hiding her in the septic tank, like me brother Nigel did. But then that was a completely different situation, it was the Vicar's wife which was odd really because it was rumoured she was a lesbian and had a foot fetish. 

NILES 

You know Daphne I am a therapist. 

MARTIN 

At this point I don't think one will do it. 

FRASIER 

Anyway. You're right. But I should be fine, what are the chances Roz will be around here this early? 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ 

Hi guys 

MARTIN AND NILES START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

What's so funny? 

NILES TRIES TO ANSWER HER PUT CAN'T DUE TO HIS LAUGHTER 

FRASIER 

I'll interpret he actually means nothing. Roz what are you doing here? 

ROZ 

I just wanted to come around and tell you that you were right about Brock. I was only interesting in him because of his looks, and by the time he'd bashed his head on that pinball machine twenty to thirty times he wasn't even good looking any more. So you were right, I should be looking for someone that I have something in common with. Someone with substance, if not just for me then for Alice as well. It was very superficial of me. 

MARTIN MANAGES TO CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER BUT NILES CAN'T HELP HIMSELF. FRASIER WALKS PAST HIM TO RETRIEVE HIS CUP OF COFFEE AND ALONG THE WAY SQUEEZES HIS BROKEN FINGER 

FRASIER 

Niles you seem to be out of breath are you feeling all right? And it was very nice for you to pop by Roz and I'll see you later. 

FRASIER STARTS TO USHER ROZ TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR 

ROZ 

Are you trying to get rid of me? 

FRASIER 

Of course not, now off you go. 

HE OPENS UP THE FRONT DOOR 

ROZ 

What's going on here? 

FRASIER 

Nothing, why would anything be going on? 

LUCY GOES TO ENTER THE ROOM FROM FRASIER'S BUT NILES SPOTS HER FIRST AND TRIES TO PUSH HER BACK TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM BEFORE ROZ SEES HER. LUCY AND NILES EXIT

ROZ 

What was that all about? 

DAPHNE 

He has a tiny bladder. It's the size of a walnut on his good days. Other times he can't drink more than an eyedropper full of Sherry at a time without bursting. 

ROZ 

Then why didn't he use this one? 

DAPHNE 

He's very embarrassed about it. It's not something that should be common knowledge. 

ROZ 

OK then. My lips are sealed. Well I'll be off then. 

MARTIN 

Oh do you have to Roz? Stay and have some breakfast. 

FRASIER AND DAPHNE SHOOT MARTIN A LOOK THAT COULD KILL AS HE JUST SMILES AND LAUGHS TO HIMSELF 

ROZ 

Yeah OK, thanks Martin. 

FRASIER 

I'll just go and see if Niles needs any help. 

ROZ 

You two are becoming way too close. You only help him with that sort of thing if you're in prison when it acts as a substitute. 

MARTIN PUSHES FRASIER BACK INTO HIS SEAT AS HE STANDS 

MARTIN 

No, it's all right Frasier I'll go and help him, he is my son after all. You stay out here so Roz can thank you some more for making her see the light. 

DAPHNE PUSHES MARTIN BACK INTO HIS SEAT AND MOVES HIS CANE AWAY FROM HIM AS SHE STANDS 

DAPHNE 

No, if anyone should be helping him with this problem it's me. And he must be struggling anyway with that broken finger. I caught him this morning trying to open a door handle with his foot. With the bang on the head plus the painkillers it didn't occur to him to use his other hand. 

ROZ 

I'm just going to use the bathroom. But I don't need any help, so there's no need for any of you to offer. I've mastered a simple pulling up and down motion of an elastic waistband. 

ROZ EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Niles! Niles! 

NILES ENTERS WITH HIS HAIR EXTREMELY MESSY AND STICKING UP 

NILES 

What is it? 

FRASIER 

The coast is clear. We have to get her out of here. 

NILES 

She's lying under your bed trying to get me to rub my head up and down her legs. 

FRASIER 

Oh not again. 

DAPHNE 

My God women will go to all sorts of extremes to not have to sleep with you. When will you take a hint? Wait a second. Why is your hair standing on end? 

NILES 

Well I am a gentleman. That and she grabbed my ears. 

ROZ ENTERS UNSEEN BY EVERYONE 

FRASIER 

There's plenty of time to explain that later, but what are we going to do? 

ROZ 

About what? 

FRASIER 

About Niles' bladder problems. 

NILES 

(CONFUSED) My what? 

FRASIER ONCE AGAIN SQUEEZES NILES' FINGER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh yes my bladder problems. 

ROZ 

They must be bad, you're eyes are watering. 

LUCY ENTERS WHICH MAKES FRASIER CRINGE 

LUCY 

Hey Frasier... oh hello there. 

ROZ 

Hi, I'm Roz Doyle. 

LUCY 

Hi, Lucy Day. Haven't we met somewhere before? Oh I know you. 

FRASIER 

No you don't. 

LUCY 

Yes I do. 

FRASIER 

No you don't. 

MARTIN 

The pantomime season seems to start earlier and earlier each year. This one must be 'Dick Witless'. 

FRASIER 

You mean 'Dick Witthington'. 

DAPHNE 

No he doesn't 

NILES 

I think things would be a lot better if Lucy's character was a mime and Frasier was just committed. 

ROZ 

You're one of the model's used at KACL for the calendar shoot. 

LUCY 

That's right. 

ROZ 

Oh how wonderful. 

LUCY 

I'm going to get some more coffee if you'll excuse me. 

LUCY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

(VERY ANGRY) You have a lot of explaining to do before I kick your ass. 

FRASIER 

(INNOCENTLY) It's not what you think. 

ROZ 

(UNBELIEVING) It isn't? 

FRASIER 

No it isn't. She's not here for me. She's... Dad's date. 

ROZ 

What? Wow way to go Martin. 

MARTIN 

Sometimes I just don't know what I've done to be so lucky. 

SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE

ROZ 

Excuse me 

ROZ ANSWERS HER PHONE AND MOVES TOWARDS THE PIANO 

MARTIN 

What do you think you're doing? 

NILES 

Going slowly insane would be my suggestion. 

DAPHNE 

Don't you think you'd better let Lucy know what's going on? 

FRASIER 

Oh yes, I've lied to my friend and told her that you're dating my father because I'm a hypocrite because I was only interested in you for a quick roll in the hay due to your stunning looks. If you weren't so gorgeous I wouldn't have bothered because I find you as interesting as a blade of grass. So play along won't you sweetheart? 

NILES 

Yes something like that. 

LUCY ENTERS

FRASIER 

No wait I've got a better idea. (QUIETLY TO LUCY) Lucy can I have a word with you. Do you remember what I told you about Roz being in love with me? Well I'd rather not let her know that we are dating, I don't want to upset her. So I told her that you were... 

ROZ 

(TO LUCY) So you're dating Martin? 

LUCY 

Yes that's correct. He's just such a little stud muffin, I just couldn't keep my hands off him. 

LUCY THEN GRABS NILES AND KISSES HIM, MISTAKING HIM FOR MARTIN. EVERYBODY ELSE STANDS AROUND LOOKING GOB SMACKED 

LUCY (CONT'D) 

Already this early in the relationship we have a very healthy, sexual relationship. 

DAPHNE THEN GRABS NILES' FINGER AND SQUEEZES THEM 

NILES 

What? She kissed me! Did I ask her to ram her tongue down my throat? 

LUCY TRIES TO KISS HIM AGAIN, THINKING THE LAST PART OF HIS STATEMENT WAS AN INVITATION. HE BATTLES TO KEEP HER AWAY. ONCE LUCY STOPS TRYING DAPHNE SLAPS NILES AROUND THE BACK OF HIS HEAD 

FRASIER 

No, no, no, Martin not Niles! 

LUCY 

How was I supposed to know? Haven't you ever considered all wearing nametags to the breakfast table? 

NILES 

Surprisingly not. But thanks for the idea. 

ROZ 

OK what's going on? And stop treating me like an idiot. 

LUCY 

Oh don't blame Frasier. We were only trying to protect you. We all know about your feelings for Frasier but sometimes, life doesn't imitate cartoons and true love isn't all that matters. And if you hit a kitty with a frying pan it will kill them. It doesn't just make their head flatter and then he keeps running around trying to kill the mouse. 

ROZ 

Frasier she's insane. 

NILES 

And she almost chocked me with her tongue. 

LUCY 

I probably should go. So you two can work things out. Don't worry Roz you will love again. 

LUCY GOES TO KISS NILES AGAIN BEFORE SHE LEAVES BUT HE HIDES BEHIND DAPHNE NOT GIVING HER A CHANCE 

NILES 

My teeth are clean enough thankyou very much. 

LUCY EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

ROZ 

You are such a hypocrite. You give me that lecture and then you do it yourself and then lie to me about it? 

FRASIER 

It could be interpreted that way, but only if you choose to look at it from that angle. I was wrong all right, are you happy? I'll break up with her later. 

ROZ 

Yes as a matter of fact I am happy, especially as I lied and I'm still dating Brock. Oh get off you high horse. 

FRASIER 

Yes I won't be riding that again in the foreseeable future. 

MARTIN 

If you're breaking up with Lucy you won't be riding anything at all in the foreseeable future. 

AS ROZ SLAPS FRASIER'S ARM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM NILES IS SITTING ON THE BED WITH BOTH HIS HAND AND NOW HIS HEAD BANDAGED FROM WHERE HE FELL OFF THE BED. DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO HIM HOLDING HIS GOOD HAND AS DR. KRAMER ENTERS WITH HIS HAND PUPPET. HE PICKS UP A THERMOMETER WITH THE PUPPET AND TRIES TO PUT IT IN NILES' MOUTH. NILES DOES NOT LOOK IMPRESSED AS DR. KRAMER CONTINUES TO PLAY WITH THE PUPPET RIGHT IN FRONT OF NILES' FACE. EVENTUALLY NILES SNAPS GRABS THE PUPPET AROUND THE THROAT AND STARTS TO STRANGLE IT. 


	22. Episode TwentyTwo

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_In loving memory of Mike. Your encouragement and your inspiration has made me the person that I am today. You always said that if you could do it I could do it and I'm more determined now then ever to prove that. I have never know a more loving or caring person and you will stay in my heart, thoughts and prays for the rest of my life. _

_Well I've moved to university in Wales and I'm so board that writing another season may not be out of the question, but I guess at the end of the day that is up to you to decide. The only source of entertainment that I have is watching a woman give children donkey rides on a stretch of beach that is about four foot squared. Needless to say the donkey gets very dizzy very fast, vomits, falls over and passes out. It seems the only way that I'm going to get any sort of entertainment is if I become a bloated alcoholic and go on a pub crawl, and since this place is just one big hill with my flat at the top and everything else at the bottom, I don't think it's such a good idea. Oh wait...things have become a little more exciting, I can see a sheep from my window. Although I'm pretty sure that man shouldn't be doing that to it. That's disgusting. Oh never mind it's just one of my lecturers. So please send me some feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com or IM me so I can get over the trauma of seeing a sheep being violated. _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-Two   
The Lost Weekend 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'THEY DO NOTHING BUT FIGHT OVER THE SOAP' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER, FRASIER DOES THE SAME ON THE COUCH AS NILES WAITS BY THE ISLAND JIGGING UP AND DOWN RATHER IMPATIENTLY. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

NILES 

Are you all ready? 

DAPHNE 

Nearly. I just want to knock us up a couple of sandwiches to eat on the way. I didn't think you'd fancy eating what ever we happen to hit with the car on the way up there or beef jerky from a road side stand if we got a bit peckish along the way. 

NILES 

That's a good idea. 

DAPHNE 

Anyway I can't imagine that racoon is very appetising when it's cooked with a cigarette lighter. A Bunsen burner on the other hand makes all the difference. They should start to install them in the dashboards of cars. Along with a cappuccino machine and a deep fat fryer. You'd never drive naked that's for sure in case the fat spat at you. Plus I know you, if you can't eat you seem to suddenly get all frisky like a whippet in heat and want to do something else and trust me you're not that good a driver. Your hands are supposed to stay on the wheel not be on my... 

FRASIER 

Can you please finish that in the car? 

DAPHNE 

With great pleasure. I may even finish the sentence as well. 

MARTIN 

So where are you two off to? It's too late to go ice fishing this time of year you know. 

NILES 

Damn all the bad luck. And there was me getting all excited at the prospect of being able to make my tongue stick to my fishing pole. We're going up to my lake front cottage Dad. 

DAPHNE 

And don't think you're getting away with not doing your exercises and intend on sitting around watching the television in your underwear either all weekend, I've talked your son into doing them with you. 

NILES 

You're going to watch television with him in your underwear? You know there's father and son bonding and then there's just plain wrong. 

FRASIER 

I'm going to help him with his exercises Niles. 

NILES 

Oh now that makes more sense. And will be more hygienic. 

MARTIN 

And about that, gee thanks Daphne. That's all I want is Frasier standing over me watching as I thrust my hips into the air. What if someone walks in on us, they might get the wrong idea. 

DAPHNE 

And who's likely to do a thing like that? 

MARTIN 

Eddie. 

NILES 

You bathe with him Dad. He can't possibly be traumatised anymore after enduring that everyday. In fact if he sees you with Frasier he may actually be relieved and hopeful that now you'll leave him alone. Dogs can feel violated as well you know. 

FRASIER 

What are you complaining about? It isn't exactly going to be that much fun for me either. I don't want to see that. You might have my eye out. 

MARTIN 

Strangely enough I don't hold my cane when I do my exercises, but knowing you're the one bending my leg back and forth I may start to. If my hip cracks once I'll crack your head with my cane. 

DAPHNE 

Well I've got an idea. Why don't the two of you come to the cottage with us? 

NILES 

(COVERING HIS HORROR) Oh yes what a fabulous idea. 

MARTIN 

Are you sure you want us tagging along? 

DAPHNE 

Of course, we're not going to be doing anything special are we? 

NILES 

No! Of course not. Why would you think that? 

MARTIN 

I'll have to call Duke, we were supposed to be watching the game this weekend. He's already bought the cold cuts. 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS TO HIS ROOM WITH THE PHONE AS DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

(CHEERILY SHOUTS AFTER MARTIN) Wonderful! You go and talk to him and don't take no for an answer you hear me. You're coming even if we have to bring him with us to watch the game there. (VICIOUSLY TO FRASIER) Don't you dare come up there! Remember I have a case full of guns and I won't be afraid to use them. As soon as I work out which end the bullets go in. 

FRASIER 

One would think they go in the spinny thing. 

NILES 

Shotguns don't have spinny things. 

FRASIER 

Well imagine my embarrassment. How will I ever show my face in polite society again? What's the big deal? 

NILES 

I'm going to try to propose again and the last thing I need is for the two of you to be there watching us. 

FRASIER 

I suppose you won't want us there when you propose either. 

NILES 

That's very amusing. I mean it stay away. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH SOME SANDWICHES 

DAPHNE 

So are you going to come? 

FRASIER 

I don't think so Daph. 

DAPHNE 

Oh that's a shame. 

NILES 

(VERY OTT) Isn't it? I'm just absolutely devastated. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO NILES) That's too much. 

NILES 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Noted. 

DAPHNE 

I'll just grab me bag. 

DAPHNE EXITS INTO HER ROOM 

FRASIER 

So how are you going to do it? 

NILES 

I'm going to urinate it in big letters outside the kitchen window. Hopefully the sent will attract all the local wildlife and I'll be able to talk them into posing on one knee with pleading looks on their faces. How do you think I'm going to do it? On one knee, the traditional way. I didn't want to sling shot the ring across the room to her in case I caught her in the eye. 

FRASIER 

Simply saying the traditional way would have sufficed. 

NILES 

I'm sorry, I'm just nervous after my last failed attempt. And this time I've taken the precaution and removed all elements that may startle or frighten her to avoid another emergency room incident. 

FRASIER 

In that case then I'd think twice about that jumper. 

NILES 

What's wrong with it? 

FRASIER 

It is a tad on the garish side. 

NILES 

Daphne made it for me. 

FRASIER 

Need we say anymore? 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM WITH A BAG 

DAPHNE 

Well come on then. Let's hit the road. 

AS NILES AND DAPHNE BID THEIR FAREWELLS AND EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'JUST GRIN AND BEAR IT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Roz, Frasier, Eddie, Alice) 

THE COTTAGE IS THE ONE USED IN 'DECOYS' AND EVERYTHING REMAINS THE SAME AS THE LAST TIME WE SAW IT. ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THE COUCH IS A BOTTLE OF OPENED WINE WITH TWO GLASSES. DAPHNE STANDS WITH HER BLOUSE PULLED UP TO COVER HER NOSE AND MOUTH BY THE STAIRS AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A HANDKERCHIEF COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH 

NILES 

Dear God what is that smell? 

DAPHNE 

It is a bit on the strong side. 

DAPHNE BEGINS TO SMELL THE AIR TO FIND THE ORIGIN. SHE STANDS ON A CHAIR AND LOOKS IN THE HEATING DUCT. 

NILES 

A bit? It's sending me blind. It smells almost like... 

DAPHNE 

A dead squirrel in the heating duct. 

NILES 

No it's more of a... 

DAPHNE 

No there's actually a dead squirrel in the heating duct. Pass me a knife so I can get this grid off please. 

NILES GETS HER A PEN KNIFE FROM THE DESK DRAWER AND DAPHNE STARTS TO UNDO THE SCREWS 

NILES 

I bet he coughed himself to death on this smell. 

DAPHNE 

Or alternatively the smell could be coming from the squirrel. 

NILES PULLS UP ANOTHER CHAIR TO LOOK IN THE DUCT 

NILES 

That's even more plausible. What's it doing? 

DAPHNE 

Baking a cake. Niles honey it's dead. The only thing it's doing is rotting. What's the matter with you again today? You're off in another world. You've got that glazed look in your eye again. 

NILES 

It's nothing I'm fine. It's just the smell. How do we get it out? (WHISTLES AND PATS HIS LEG) Come here little fellow. 

DAPHNE 

That's only going to work if you have some strong smelling salts and a Ouija board. Just put your hand in there and pull it out, I'm referring to the squirrel before you take that the wrong way. 

NILES 

I'm not touching that thing it's decomposing. It'll fall apart in my hand. And the last thing I want to do this evening is reassemble a three-dimensional squirrel jigsaw puzzle. It's not exactly very romantic. 

DAPHNE 

Put a rubber glove on then. 

NILES 

Well that would make it a little more romantic but more on the seedy side then anything else. 

DAPHNE 

I meant to remove the squirrel. 

NILES 

Of course you did. I knew that. I've got an idea. 

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(FROM THE KITCHEN) I wonder how it got in there in the first place. 

DAPHNE 

Maybe there's a squirrel concentration camp upstairs and this is the Steve McQueen squirrel escaping through the vents. I bet we'll find a James Garner squirrel in the toilet tank. 

NILES 

(FROM THE KITCHEN) If that's the case remind me to check for Nazi squirrels before we go to bed. I'd hate to wake up with a little tank being pointed at my head in the morning. 

NILES ENTERS WEARING A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES, AN APRON AND CARRYING A PAIR ON TONGS AND AN OVEN TRAY 

DAPHNE 

What do you want those for? I thought we'd take it outside and bury it not bung it on the barbecue for dinner. There isn't exactly a lot of meat on those drumsticks. 

NILES GETS BACK ON THE CHAIR AND TRIES TO PICK UP THE SQUIRREL WITH THE TONGS 

NILES 

I told you I'm not touching it. 

HE TURNS IT OVER WITH THE TONGS BEFORE PICKING IT UP 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh it looks like a girl. 

DAPHNE 

So do you. 

NILES 

I think I've got it. Ahhh. 

NILES DROPS THE SQUIRREL ON THE FLOOR AND RUNS AWAY FROM IT 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? 

NILES 

It waved at me. 

DAPHNE 

It's dead. 

NILES 

It must be possessed by some sort of demon then. 

AS DAPHNE SITS BACK ON THE COUCH NILES PICKS THE SQUIRREL BACK UP AGAIN AND PUTS IT ON THE OVEN TRAY 

DAPHNE 

This weekend is starting out fine. I mean who doesn't have a problem with dead, smelling, possessed squirrels in the heating ducts. 

DAPHNE STARTS TO SHAKE A CAN OF AIR FRESHENER 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I don't know what we'll do when this air freshener runs out. 

NILES 

Vomit immediately springs to mind. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE AIR FRESHENER AND STARTS TO SPRAY EVERY CORNER OF THE ROOM AS NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH THE SQUIRREL. DAPHNE STOPS AT THE FRONT DOOR AS SHE READS A NOTICE ON THE BACK OF IT 

DAPHNE 

Niles come here. Have you read this on the back of the door? 

NILES ENTERS, MINUS THE APRON AND THE GLOVES, AND READS THE NOTICE 

NILES 

What is it? 'Bear Warning'? Nonsense there aren't any bears up here. (THINKS) That I'm aware of anyway. But just to be on the safe side let's shut the windows. We don't want it catching the sent of that squirrel for its dinner and having us for desert. 

THEY BOTH SIT BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH AS THEY PICK UP THEIR WINE AND START TO RELAX 

DAPHNE 

Good thinking. Finally we can get back to the wine. 

THEY GO TO CLINK GLASSES BUT DAPHNE STOPS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Wait a second. 

DAPHNE SPRAYS SOME MORE AIR FRESHENER AROUND WHERE THEY ARE SITTING FORMING SOME SORT OF CLOUD AROUND THEM AS IT RAINS TO THE FLOOR 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

That's better. 

NILES 

(COUGHING) Yes what wine isn't improved by a vanilla air freshener? (TAKING HER HAND) Listen Daphne, I brought you up here for a very special reason. There's something I want to ask you. I've wanted to do it for the longest time now but... 

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR HOLDING A BAG FULL OF BEER AND EDDIE ON HIS LEASH 

MARTIN 

Hi guys. 

NILES 

(MORTIFIED) Dad! 

DAPHNE 

Mr. Crane I thought you couldn't join us. 

MARTIN 

Oh Duke and I can watch the Sea Hawks any old time. Opportunities like this don't come around very often. 

NILES 

Tell me about it. 

MARTIN 

What is that smell? 

DAPHNE 

A dead squirrel. 

MARTIN 

You know Niles you're supposed to use these guns to shoot ducks not squirrels. Although I'm really proud that your aim is that good to shoot something so little. 

NILES 

It was in the heating duct. 

MARTIN 

Well that's a little like shooting fish in a barrel but we all have to start somewhere. 

NILES 

No Dad, it just died in there, something that I may do very soon unless you understand what I'm telling you. 

ENTER ROZ CARRYING ALICE

ROZ 

Hi you two. 

NILES 

(SLOWLY BEGINNING TO HYPERVENTILATE) Roz! Alice! Why this just gets better and better. 

FRASIER ENTERS CARRYING ALL THE BAGS 

FRASIER 

Hello all. Did we miss anything? 

NILES 

Nothing at all. 

NILES PUSHES FRASIER INTO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Frasier can I have a word with you? (QUIETLY BUT MENACINGLY) I thought I told you to stay away. Did you not take my death threat seriously? 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry but he was already packed and ready to go the moment you left and since you didn't want me to tell him what you were planning to do, I had no choice. 

ROZ EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

So you decided to bring Roz along for added extra fun? 

FRASIER 

Well since the weekend was pretty much ruined anyway, I didn't think it would matter. Anyway you still owe her for helping at the spring tasting. You can still propose. Just take her off into the woods and do it. 

NILES 

Oh how romantic. 

ROZ SCREAMS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? 

ROZ ENTERS CARRYING THE OVEN TRAY WITH THE SQUIRREL ON 

ROZ 

Why do you have a dead squirrel on an oven tray? 

MARTIN 

You'll eat anything if it's served in one of your fancy pants restaurants. 

NILES 

I'll just dispose of it. 

NILES TAKES THE TRAY OFF ROZ 

MARTIN 

Flush it down the toilet. 

FRASIER 

Dad it's a squirrel not a fish. The last thing we need is it blocking the toilet taking into consideration the amount of beer that you have brought with you. And I don't think Niles would particularly want you sent marking the outside of his cottage. 

MARTIN 

Oh you can flush most animals down the toilet. 

NILES 

Yes not a day goes by when I don't walk past a public toilet and see a dead cow sticking out of it. You can hardly get into a cubicle at Nervosa for all the elephants blocking the bowls. 

MARTIN 

I didn't mean something that big. Just throw it in there and we can force it around the pipe with a long stick. 

NILES 

If it's all the same with you I'll just bury it. 

EDDIE STARTS TO JUMP UP NILES TRYING TO GET THE SQUIRREL 

FRASIER 

But when Eddie does finally descend to that flea infested kennel in the sky I may take you up on that offer of the toilet burial. I'd personally prod him around the bend with a stick myself. It would be a great honour. 

NILES 

And on that subject can you get Eddie? Don't make me bury him alongside this thing. 

MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AS NILES EXITS THROUGH THE KITCHEN AND DAPHNE STARTS TO SPRAY THE ROOM WITH MORE AIR FRESHENER. 

FRASIER 

Don't you have any other kind of air freshener? It smells like a vanilla bomb went off in here. 

DAPHNE 

Surprisingly that's not the first thing that sprung to mind when me boyfriend ask me to his cottage for the weekend. You're lucky I brought underwear. So it's either squirrel or vanilla. Do we need to take a vote? 

MARTIN 

I'm going to put my beer in the fridge. 

MARTIN PUTS EDDIE ON THE FLOOR THEY EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

Frasier can I use your cell phone? 

ROZ PUTS HER HAND DEEP INTO FRASIER'S PANT POCKET AND STARTS TO FISH AROUND LOOKING FOR THE PHONE. FRASIER FLINCHES AND HOLDS HIS HANDS UP IN THE AIR AS IF BEING SEARCHED BY A POLICE OFFICER. EVENTUALLY ROZ PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND DIALS 

SFX: ROZ' CELL PHONE

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh look it works. What a surprise. I have a full battery and I've got a perfectly good signal. (SHOUTS AND GRABS HOLD OF FRASIER'S JUMPER AND SHAKES HIM) So why hasn't he called? Why? Tell me why? 

FRASIER 

Because you're a tad on the psychotic side? 

DAPHNE 

What's this about? 

FRASIER 

Oh Daphne please don't poke the bear. I had to listen to it all the way up here and my ears are beginning to bleed. 

ROZ 

Alan still hasn't called me. It's been three days. Why hasn't he called me? 

DAPHNE 

Did you two, you know? 

ROZ 

Daphne it was our first date. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I'm sorry to be so presumptuous. I didn't mean to be rude. 

ROZ 

No I mean it was our first date, of course we did. 

FRASIER 

Yes Roz likes to move around all the bases at the speed of light. That's how she's able to date three men on the same evening. 

ROZ 

Shut up. And it wasn't as bad as it sounded. They were all at the same restaurant. I just had to keep saying I was going to the bathroom and once I was full stuff the food in my purse when they weren't looking. 

DAPHNE 

Did you really click with this Alan then? 

ROZ 

He was nice enough, he came around to clean my drains. 

FRASIER 

And by the sounds of it he certainly did that. 

ROZ 

He was a bit limited in the bedroom though. 

DAPHNE 

The earth didn't move I take it? 

ROZ 

I don't think the headboard moved. 

FRASIER 

Then why are you so desperate for him to call you? 

ROZ 

It's just common courtesy. The man slept with me, in the very least he owes me a phone call. 

FRASIER 

A move that would revolutionise the prostitution business. 

ENTER NILES AND MARTIN THROUGH THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Well that's all taken care of. Services will take place later this evening before the wake followed by the reading of the will. 

MARTIN 

As long as I get his nuts I don't care about everything else. 

FRASIER 

If it's all the same with you I'll just pass. I don't think squirrels own much antique furniture. 

MARTIN 

So which bedroom is mine? 

NILES 

Well Dad we only actually have three bedrooms, so I guess someone's sleeping on the couch. 

ROZ 

Are you going to fit on there Frasier? 

FRASIER 

Why do I have to sleep on the couch? I'm not married to Lilith anymore. My couch days were over when that divorce came through. 

MARTIN 

Along with your sexually active days. 

FRASIER 

You're the one who sleeps with a dog. 

DAPHNE 

It's only fair for you to sleep down here. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

Because Roz has got a child, Mr. Crane's got a gammy leg and well Niles and I...you just wouldn't want to be the first person up that's all if we stop down here. 

FRASIER 

This isn't fair. Let's pull straws. 

NILES 

(SOTTO) I've already pulled the shortest straw imaginable today. 

ROZ 

Let's spin a bottle. 

FRASIER 

What a splendid idea. And after this situation has turned into a drunken orgy none of us will care where we sleep. Some of us happened to study through college. 

NILES 

Oh come on Frasier. 

FRASIER 

I am not sleeping on that couch. 

ROZ TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS 

DAPHNE 

Fine, toss and turn on it all night instead. 

NILES 

(FRUSTRATED) Oh all right Frasier, you take the other room, we'll sleep down here. 

ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE 

ROZ 

(SHOUTS) Oh my God! A woman answered the phone. 

DAPHNE 

Who were you calling? 

ROZ 

Alan. 

FRASIER 

Maybe it's his sister, his mother, his Albania foster child, who knows. Don't jump to the automatic conclusion. 

ROZ STARTS TO PACE ACROSS THE ROOM 

ROZ 

What's that? That I put out so now he doesn't want me and now he's moved on to get another notch on his bedpost. 

MARTIN 

Maybe you dialled the wrong number. 

ROZ 

Do you really think so? I just don't know what... (NOTICING THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE DOOR) Have you seen this bear warning? You never told me there were bears here I wouldn't have brought Alice. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN JOIN HER LOOKING AT THE SIGN 

FRASIER 

Oh don't be ludicrous. Oh what do you know it is a bear warning. 

DAPHNE 

Don't panic. Should one kick the door down Niles and I will provoke it and keep it occupied as we're sleeping on the couch. Then as we're being digested and he's picking his teeth with my index finger you lot can make your getaway through one of the upstairs windows. 

FRASIER 

(SINCERELY) Thanks a lot you two. 

EDDIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH THE SQUIRREL IN HIS MOUTH 

MARTIN 

That smells back again. 

DAPHNE 

I'll get the air freshener. 

MARTIN STARTS TO STARE AT AND SMELL NILES 

NILES 

What's that look for? It's not me, I may have buried it but I didn't roll around in the dirt with it first. I thought it might object under the circumstances. 

ROZ 

What's Eddie got in his mouth? 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) The squirrel! 

THEY ALL LUNGE TOWARDS EDDIE WHO RUNS UP THE STAIRS 

MARTIN 

Get back here Eddie. 

EDDIE STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD WITH THE SQUIRREL IN HIS MOUTH 

NILES 

No, don't shake your head. 

THE DIRT FLIES EVERYWHERE OFF EDDIE AND THE SQUIRREL AS EVERYONE ELSE SHIELDS THEIR FACES AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Alice, Eddie) 

THE ROOM IS MUCH DARKER AS THE SUN CAN BE SEEN SETTING THROUGH THE WINDOWS. ROZ SITS ON THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH WITH ALICE ON HER LAP, FRASIER SITS ON HER RIGHT AND MARTIN IS ON HER LEFT. NILES SITS ON THE CHAIR TO THE LEFT WITH HIS FEET RESTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND DAPHNE SITTING ON HIS LAP WITH HER LEGS RESTING OVER THE SIDE OF THE CHAIR. THE TELEVISION PLAYS AND BOTH ALICE AND MARTIN ARE MESMERISED BY IT 

FRASIER 

What is this programme? 

ROZ 

Barney The Dinosaur. 

NILES 

Is there any particular reason why he's hallucinogenic? 

ROZ 

To make it more amusing when you roll in on a Sunday morning, drunk and it's the only thing on the television. 

MARTIN 

This show is great. 

FRASIER 

Well if you're a very good boy I may buy you the video for your birthday. 

DAPHNE 

Look at that sunset. It reminds me of the last time we were up here. 

NILES SLIPS OUT FROM UNDER DAPHNE AND STANDS UP 

NILES 

Swiftly moving on. Let's go for a walk so you can see it better. 

DAPHNE 

It's all right I can see it from here. 

NILES PULLS HER UP FROM THE CHAIR 

NILES 

But there's something I need to ask you. Come on. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS FRASIER GETS UP AND TURNS ON A LAMP 

ROZ 

And you miss, off to bed with you. 

ROZ SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION AND BOTH MARTIN AND FRASIER KISS ALICE AND ADLIB GOODNIGHT. ROZ TURNS ON THE LANDING LIGHT AS THEY GO UPSTAIRS AND EXIT INTO ONE OF THE BEDROOMS. FRASIER NOTICES SOMETHING BY WHERE NILES WAS SITTING 

FRASIER 

What is this? (PICKS IT UP TO REVEAL THE ENGAGEMENT RING BOX) Oh no. I'll be back in a moment Dad. 

FRASIER EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR 

RESET TO: 

EXT. WOODLAND BY THE EDGE OF THE LAKE — MOMENTS LATER

AS THE LIGHT IS GREATLY REDUCED NILES AND DAPHNE STOP IN A CLEARING. THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY TREES 

DAPHNE 

What on earth have you dragged me all the way out here for? I'm no longer fond of the woods since 'The Blair Witch Project' or of having a camcorder shoved in my face. 

NILES 

(RAMBLING) Daphne I want to ask you something and although this isn't exactly the perfect place, I want to do it, especially before I loose my nerve and I've done that a lot with you over the last eight years. 

DAPHNE 

Niles you're beginning to ramble. 

NILES 

Daphne will you... 

SFX. TWIG SNAPPING BEHIND THEM

NILES (CONT'D) 

Did you hear something? 

DAPHNE 

What? 

SFX: TWIG SNAPPING IN THE SAME AREA

NILES 

That. 

DAPHNE 

Oh dear God it's bear. 

NILES 

It can't be. 

DAPHNE 

You read that warning. They don't just put up bear warnings for people's amusement. If it was there for entertainment purposes it would have said 'dancing bear with X-rated balloon trick' instead. 

NILES 

Well what do we do? 

DAPHNE 

I don't know about you but I'm going to run like hell. 

DAPHNE RUNS BACK TOWARDS THE COTTAGE 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Wait for me. 

NILES RUNS AND FOLLOWS DAPHNE AS FRASIER APPEARS FROM THE TREES IN THE DIRECTION THAT THE SOUND WAS COMING FROM AND STARES AFTER THEM LOOKING A LITTLE CONFUSED 

RESET TO: 

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

IT IS NOW VIRTUALLY PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE AS NILES AND DAPHNE BURST THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SLAM IT BEHIND THEM. MARTIN AND ROZ BOTH JUMP AT THE NOISE 

DAPHNE 

Quick get in. Shut the door. 

MARTIN 

What's going on? 

NILES 

We heard a bear. 

ROZ 

You heard what? 

SFX: POUNDING ON THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN 

Quick everyone lean up the door. 

ALL FOUR LEAN UP THE DOOR TO PREVENT IT FROM BEING OPENED 

NILES 

Where's Frasier? 

MARTIN 

He went looking for you two. 

NILES 

He did what? 

DAPHNE 

Oh no he's still out there. 

NILES 

We have to warn him. Quick Roz phone him on your cell phone. 

ROZ 

But what if Alan calls while I'm on the line? 

NILES 

What if Frasier gets eaten by a bear? Which is more important to you? 

A LONG BEAT 

MARTIN 

Do you even need to think about it? 

ROZ 

Isn't there another way we can contact him? 

NILES 

No, all my carrier pigeons are on strike, if we used smoke signals we'd burn down the forest and I've got a headache so telepathy is out. 

ROZ 

Oh all right fine. 

SFX: POUNDING ON THE DOOR

MARTIN 

Quick Niles get a gun from the case. 

NILES 

Who do I look like Elma Fud? 

DAPHNE 

Fine I'll do it. You're likely to blow your toes off. 

FRASIER 

(FROM OUTSIDE) Will you open the door you bunch of jackasses! 

MARTIN 

That's Frasier. 

NILES 

It might not be. It might be the bear. 

ROZ 

A talking bear that can also mimic people? 

NILES 

Yes, certain types of circus bears. 

FRASIER 

(FROM OUTSIDE) Just open the Goddamn door. 

NILES OPENS THE DOOR AS FRASIER ENTERS AND EVERYONE ELSE SITS BACK DOWN 

NILES 

Sorry we thought you were a bear. 

FRASIER 

I noticed. You frightened the life out of me when you just took off yelling bear. Until I realised that it was aimed at me. But for future reference bears don't wear loafers. 

NILES 

What were you doing? 

FRASIER 

(WHISPERS) You forgot the ring. 

ROZ WALKS TO THE DESK BY THE STAIRS WITH A LAMP ON IT 

ROZ 

It's getting too dark in here. Niles how do you turn this lamp on? 

NILES 

Just clap. 

ROZ 

It's a little bit tacky for your taste isn't it? 

NILES 

Call it intuition that I knew you were coming. 

ROZ THEN CLAPS HER HANDS REALLY LOUDLY MAKING THE LAMP TURN ON. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE COTTAGE GO OUT LEAVING IT IN TOTAL DARKNESS. WE CANNOT SEE A THING. 

ROZ 

Did I do that? 

FRASIER 

Meanwhile Roz claps her hands in Seattle and there's a tidal wave in China. 

DAPHNE 

The caretaker said that there was a problem with the power lines recently. I thought he was joking though when he said the birds landing on them somehow kept electrocuting themselves and knocking the power out. 

NILES 

It's all those toe rings they wear. 

MARTIN 

Have you got any candles? I don't want to drink all that beer if I can't see the toilet. I might get confused and go in the cupboard. 

NILES 

Thanks for the reminder to lock all doors this evening before curling up on the couch. There's some in the kitchen. 

DAPHNE 

I'll help. 

NILES AND DAPHNE CAN BE HEARD EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Why did you bring so much beer anyway? Anyone would think we were going to get stranded up here. 

MARTIN 

I'm stuck in the woods with my family. That situation calls for a lot of beer. 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) And some sort of cattle prod. 

MARTIN 

I heard that. 

SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE

ROZ 

Oh my God. That's my cell phone. 

FRASIER 

Well answer it quick, it might be Alan. 

ROZ 

I can't I put it down to clap the lamp on. 

MARTIN 

Just go back over there and pick it up. 

ROZ 

I would but I don't know where I am now let alone where the lamp is. I don't leave a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere I go. 

FRASIER 

Just follow the noise. 

ROZ 

I need a candle. 

FRASIER 

And some extra strength Valium. 

MARTIN 

I'll go and hurry them up. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

I think I've found the couch. What is that? 

FRASIER 

You're fondling my rear end Roz, and trust me you won't be able to talk to Alan with that. 

ROZ 

Oh my God now I've got to wash my hand. I've got it. (ON PHONE) Hello? No this is not 'Pizza, Pizza, Pizza'. Bye. 

FRASIER 

I take it your groping me wasn't worth it. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER WITH SOME CANDLES AND A FLASHLIGHT SENDING LIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM. 

NILES 

(CALLING BACK TO MARTIN) I'm sorry, but I had to empty the cupboard to find a spade to bury the squirrel. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

MARTIN ENTERS WITH A BUCKET STUCK ON HIS FOOT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh I see. 

MARTIN 

Why did you have to get a spade? 

NILES 

I didn't want to use a spoon taking into consideration that we'd all probably like to eat with them later. 

MARTIN SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS FOOT ON THE TABLE 

FRASIER 

Let's just pull it off. 

FRASIER TRIES TO PULL IT OFF BUT IT DOESN'T MOVE 

MARTIN 

Ow! Watch it. 

DAPHNE 

Fill it full of water, maybe it'll slide out. 

MARTIN 

I've still got my shoe on it'll ruin it. 

NILES 

Well maybe if you had taken your shoes off in someone else's home this wouldn't be a problem. 

MARTIN 

I'm so sorry, but when you've got a dead squirrel on the kitchen counter I didn't think you'd care about a bit of mud on the carpet. Ooh the germs. Cover your mouths. 

NILES 

Here let me pull it. 

FRASIER 

Niles you can't pull a cracker. 

NILES 

I'm dating Daphne aren't I? 

FRASIER 

That's not what I meant. 

ROZ 

Maybe we could cover it with some butter, that'll get it off. 

MARTIN 

But what about my shoe? 

ROZ 

We can do the other one to match. It'll be a new fashion statement. 

MARTIN 

Stay away from my feet. 

FRASIER 

For God sake Dad I'll give you the fifteen dollars to replace them. Crushed velvet linings and all. 

DAPHNE 

When you suggested that we come up here for the weekend, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. 

NILES 

Ditto. 

AS FRASIER TRIES TO PULL THE BUCKET OFF AGAIN WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Roz, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin) 

THE POWER IS STILL OFF SO THE ROOM REMAINS LIT BY THE CANDLES. ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE LOOKS THROUGH A WINDOW BY THE FRONT DOOR 

ROZ 

Well we don't have anything to worry about. Sending two big doilies and a man with a limp out to forage in the wood in the dark. I think we would have had more success if we had sent Alice and Eddie. 

DAPHNE 

We've got no gas or electric so the only way to cook anything is with a fire. Although I can't imagine lobster comfit is going to taste very nice when the lobster's been wedged on a stick and shoved in a large flame. I don't know what we'd have done if Mr. Crane hadn't brought those sausages. 

ROZ 

And I have marshmallows to toast. But remind me to always take a blowtorch with me in future on all Crane family outings. If not to cook with then to chase Frasier and Niles with when they start to get on my nerves. 

DAPHNE JOINS ROZ ON THE COUCH 

DAPHNE 

It's not that bad. They're only looking for wood. And they're in the middle of the forest so the chances of success should be pretty high if you ask me. It's not as if they've gone searching for food, we'd have starved to death before they caught anything even remotely edible. 

ROZ 

And you honestly think Niles is going to touch a dirty log with his bare hands? 

DAPHNE 

Didn't you see? He took the marigolds out of the kitchen with him. I keep telling him yellow isn't his colour. 

ROZ 

The trademark of all good lumberjacks. 

DAPHNE 

Oh yes I can just see Niles wearing women's underwear? 

ROZ 

Excuse me? 

DAPHNE 

Sorry it's an English, Monty Python thing. I don't exactly know how Dr. Crane expects to cut a tree branch with a pie slicer either. 

ROZ 

He probably took that to defend himself against a bear attack. So anyway changing the subject, how are things going with you and Niles? What's it's been? Nearly a year now? 

DAPHNE 

A year all but a few weeks. Its perfect life is perfect. Sometimes I feel as if I should pinch myself and then I see him wiping his cutlery that I'd just stood and polished and then I want to pinch him. 

ROZ 

It's strange I thought he'd have proposed by now. It has been eight years for him. I don't think I've even known a man eight years, except Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

I don't think it's strange. To be perfectly honest Roz I can't see us ever getting married. 

ROZ 

Why? Don't you want to? 

DAPHNE 

I'd marry him at the drop of a hat. But I just don't think he will. Not after everything that's happened with Maris and Mel. He's never even mentioned it and like I said, I don't think he'll ever want to. 

ROZ 

So what, are you going to stay at Frasier's forever? 

DAPHNE 

Oh I don't doubt we'll move in together, maybe even have a couple of kids over the next few years before it's too late. I just can't see him wanting to take those vows again. Whenever he does the relationship just ends. I can see that playing on his mind. 

ROZ 

Well how do you feel about that? 

DAPHNE 

Devastated of course. And I won't look forward to the comments made by my family either but it's something I'll have to accept if I want to be with him. 

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS HAIR EXTREMELY MESSY AND OVERHEARS THE FINAL PART OF THE CONVERSATION 

NILES 

What is? 

DAPHNE 

Never being able to be a member of a Barbershop quartet. 

NILES 

Really? You never said anything before. Don't let me stop you from following your dreams. 

DAPHNE 

Oh it's just a dream I had as a child, but the chances of it happening vanished along with my baby teeth. 

ROZ 

What happened to your hair? You look as though you were dragged through a bush backwards. 

NILES 

Ah your idea of a romantic date I take it. A bat attacked me. It flew in my hair. 

ENTER FRASIER

FRASIER 

It was not a bat it was a tiny, tiny moth. The thing was so minuscule, it's easier to see the atom then the moth. 

NILES 

It was a bat and you know it. Frasier tried to hit me around the head with an extremely large and may I add dirty log. 

FRASIER 

Well you asked me to kill it. 

NILES 

Exactly kill it, not me. There's a subtle but extremely important difference. I didn't want to go through the rest of my life with an imprint of a log on the side of my head. I don't think people would mistake it for an unusual birthmark and not many people have logs tattooed on their heads. 

FRASIER 

It was still no reason for you to go running off screaming into the never-ending darkness of the wood. 

NILES 

Considering my brother was wielding a log and running in my direction threateningly, I think my reaction was rather restrained. 

FRASIER 

It wouldn't have been chasing you if you had put the flashlight down like I told you to. 

NILES 

I wasn't going to do that, not in the woods. Who knows what I could have trod in. Animals aren't fussy where they go you know. 

ROZ 

(TO DAPHNE) You're right, we should have gone looking for the wood. 

MARTIN 

(FROM OUTSIDE) Excuse me. I hate to interrupt, but there's an old man with a cane out here, and not to mention a bucket still stuck on his foot, who's just dragged a dozen logs through the woods on his own because his big girlie sons didn't want to break a nail. So would someone mind giving me a hand and giving me a beer? 

FRASIER 

Could he be anymore demanding? 

NILES 

Not without being one of our ex-wives. 

NILES AND FRASIER EXIT OUTSIDE AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. COTTAGE DRIVEWAY — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz, Ranger, Eddie) 

THEY ALL SIT ON CHAIRS FROM THE PORCH AROUND A SMALL CAMP FIRE THAT THEY HAVE STARTED ON THE DRIVEWAY. EDDIE STARTS TO DIG A HOLE WHERE THE SQUIRREL IS BURIED TO THE RIGHT AS EVERYONE ELSE TOASTS MARSHMALLOWS AND SAUSAGES IN THE FIRE 

NILES 

Dad will you get Eddie away from the squirrel burial site. I've already disposed of it twice today I don't want to have to do it again. Each time I seem to loose one of it's limbs. I'm worried about where I'll find them. 

DAPHNE 

Oh stop panicking. His arm is hardly likely to drag itself across the room and strangle you in the night. It's too small to start with. 

FRASIER 

Not to mention that the arm is no longer attached to the squirrel. 

MARTIN 

Well Eddie's an animal what do you expect? 

FRASIER 

That he'd have learnt by now not to drink from the toilet. 

DAPHNE 

He's stopped doing that since the lid slammed on his head. 

MARTIN 

Yes when it mysteriously slammed on his head and almost killed him. 

FRASIER 

I told you, it wasn't me. 

MARTIN 

And I've told you, I can see your nose growing every time you say that. 

ROZ 

How far down did you bury it because that holes getting bigger? I say hole but it's more of a crater. 

NILES 

I buried it far enough. 

ROZ 

How far? 

NILES 

I didn't see the earth's core if that's what you want to know. I thought I might singe my eyebrows. 

DAPHNE 

I'll get him. Dear God he smells awful. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP EDDIE AND BRINGS HIM TO WHERE SHE WAS SITTING 

FRASIER 

That makes a change. 

MARTIN 

It's from when he was rolling around the stairs with the squirrel in his mouth. 

DAPHNE 

I'll spray him with the air freshener. It seems to have worked inside I don't see why it won't work on a dog. 

FRASIER 

With all due respect Daphne, I think the last thing we should do is spray a dog with a highly flammable aerosol spray when there's a roaring fire a few feet away. 

ROZ 

I wouldn't exactly call it a roaring fire. 

NILES 

I wouldn't call it a fire but I don't know what the technical term is for smouldering twigs. 

FRASIER 

If you want a fire, let Daphne spray Eddie and give me a match. It'll probably cook these marshmallows quicker. 

MARTIN BEGINS TO RUB HIS FOOT THAT IS STILL IN THE BUCKET 

MARTIN 

This bucket is really beginning to hurt. The blood supply is being cut off from my foot. 

FRASIER 

Well tell us when it goes completely numb and we'll be able to amputate without anaesthetic. 

NILES 

Isn't there some way we could cut it off? 

ROZ 

With what? Most of the knifes in that kitchen you could ride on all the way to Guam on and still not cut your butt. 

NILES 

That was almost pure poetry. 

FRASIER 

Put it in the fire and melt the damn thing off. 

MARTIN 

Frasier you are no longer to help with this matter. 

FRASIER 

Well if you'd just let me pull it... 

MARTIN 

You'd rip my leg off from the hip. 

ROZ 

That's a bit of an overstatement. Don't you mean he'd pull, loose his grip, fall backwards and knock himself out? 

MARTIN 

Yeah I did, but I didn't want to say it in front of company. 

DAPHNE 

I've been thinking. Why don't you just take your foot out of your shoe? 

MARTIN UNTIES HIS SHOE LACE AND SLIPS HIS FOOT OUT FREEING HIM 

MARTIN 

Would you look at that! 

DAPHNE 

Now just pull the shoe out. 

MARTIN TRIES BUT CAN'T PULL IT OUT 

MARTIN 

I can't grip the thing. 

FRASIER 

Give it here Dad. 

MARTIN PASSES IT TO HIM BUT HE IS ALSO UNABLE TO PULL IT OUT. HE TRIES SO HARD THAT HIS FACE BEGINS TO TURN RED 

NILES 

Oh let me try. 

NILES PULLS AT THE SHOE BUT ONCE AGAIN IT DOESN'T BUDGE. EVENTUALLY HE PULLS SO HARD, HE LOOSES HIS GRIP AND HIS HAND FLIES BACK AND HITS HIM ON THE HEAD 

DAPHNE 

Pass it here. 

DAPHNE TAKES THE BUCKET AND PULLS THE SHOE OUT WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE AND HANDS IT BACK TO MARTIN 

FRASIER 

It never occurred to me to get you to do that. 

DAPHNE 

Well I may not have a PhD but I do have a brain that works once in a while. Maybe you two should invest in one between you. You could have it every other day of the week. 

SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE

ROZ 

Oh my God, oh my God it's ringing. What do I do? 

NILES 

The obvious answer would be to answer it, but hey I'm just wild and crazy. 

ROZ 

(ON THE PHONE) Hello? Oh hi Alan. I'm fine. How about you? Oh that's OK, I didn't expect you to call me straight away. Well that sounds very nice but I'm going to have to pass. It's not you it's me. I just didn't hear that click. Well yes I heard the one when you dislocated your hip. I asked if you wanted to go to the hospital. Well what can I say I'm the best. I'm sorry. Bye. 

FRASIER 

I don't believe it after all the fuss you've made and you dump him when he does call. 

ROZ 

I never said I wanted to continue the relationship. 

MARTIN 

Then what was the big deal? 

ROZ 

As I said, he slept with me. He at least owed me a phone call, it's just common courtesy. 

FRASIER 

Oh and believe me it is extremely common. 

NILES 

It's courtesy, like a courtesy car. You've had your quick ride and now you've sent it back to the store in favour of searching for a newer model. I can see that threatening look in your eye again, I'll go and get some more marshmallows. 

ROZ 

Good because do you know where I'm going to put this hot one? 

NILES 

I can guess. 

NILES EXITS INTO THE COTTAGE WITH FRASIER FOLLOWING 

RESET TO: 

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND FRASIER ENTER, WALK OVER TO THE TABLE AND START TO OPEN SOME MORE PACKETS OF MARSHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM IN A BOWL. 

FRASIER 

Niles what are you waiting for? 

NILES 

For Roz and more importantly that marshmallow to cool down. 

FRASIER 

I mean with Daphne. 

NILES 

You've lost me. 

FRASIER 

Why haven't you proposed yet? 

NILES 

I tried but the four of you burst through the front door as wanted as a contagious skin rash. 

FRASIER 

What's stopping you from doing it now? 

NILES 

The fact that you'll all be staring at me when I do it. And sitting alfresco toasting marshmallows isn't exactly the romantic picture I had in mind. 

FRASIER 

Then why did you try to do it out in the woods and at the emergency room the other day? 

NILES 

All right I don't want an audience because... 

FRASIER 

Because what? 

NILES 

Because... well, you know. 

FRASIER 

Dear God can't you wait until we've gone to bed for that? 

NILES 

That's not what I meant. What if she says no? I'll hardly need Roz's sarcastic remarks when my heart has just been ripped from my chest and thrown to Eddie as one of his chew toys. 

FRASIER 

Oh that's not going to happen. 

NILES 

Do you think so? 

FRASIER 

Yes Eddie only likes the chew toys that have a squeaker. I doubt your heart will make that sort of noise. 

NILES 

I don't want you three pitying me when I start to weep uncontrollably. 

FRASIER 

We won't pity you if she says no, we'll be supportive. 

NILES 

I didn't mean that, I meant when I weep. 

FRASIER 

Oh well we'll pity you for that. You're a grown man for heavens sake. 

NILES 

I saw you cry last week. 

FRASIER 

Well that was different I trod on a plug it hurt. 

NILES 

Thanks for the support. 

FRASIER 

I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Of course she'll say yes. Daphne is so smitten with you, I don't know how you could even doubt it. 

NILES 

You remember Maris don't you? 

FRASIER 

That was a long time ago and Daphne is not Maris. There's not even a slight comparison. Now take a deep breath and do it, before you miss your chance and you've done that far too much with her. Partly my fault I know, but this is yet another way that I'll try to make amends. 

NILES 

OK 

RESET TO: 

EXT. COTTAGE DRIVEWAY — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL SIT AS BEFORE TOASTING THE MARSHMALLOWS AND COOKING THE SAUSAGES 

MARTIN 

I'm just glad I decided to go with the small ones instead of those foot long wieners. I'm not sure how we'd have cooked them on a stick. 

DAPHNE 

Sausages and marshmallows. Aren't we acting like grownups? 

ROZ 

All we need now is a ghost story and we'll be back at summer camp. 

DAPHNE 

My parents could never afford something like that, so they made me and me brother's camp in Grammy Moon's garden for the whole summer. It wasn't much fun to spend all summer in a tent with eight boys who's idea of fun was getting a hand full of worms and mashing them up in the grinder part of that 'Mouse Trap' board game. Of course the real trouble started when they tricked Grammy Moon into putting them on a sandwich. I kept telling her it wasn't tuna paste, but she was so colour-blind she couldn't tell the difference, or when she went to dye her hair and it came out a sort of orange colour. But my brothers laughed and laughed when the doctor was called in, they kept yelling from the garden 'she's got worms, she got worms.' But she hadn't just an upset stomach, but Simon had worms in the end coincidentally but what did he expect when he used to crawl around the rubbish tip and fire rats around in his slingshot. 

ROZ 

I said ghost story not gross story. 

NILES AND FRASIER ENTER WITH THE MARSHMALLOWS 

NILES 

Here we go, more marshmallows. 

MARTIN 

I wonder what a sausage and marshmallow sandwich will taste like? 

FRASIER 

Hell, immediately springs to mind. 

MARTIN 

If it were advertised in your gourmet newsletter you wouldn't think twice about eating it. 

FRASIER 

No I wouldn't think twice about cancelling my subscription. 

NILES 

Daphne can I speak with you for a moment? Ignore those six little eyes staring at us. I need to ask you something. I've been wanting to do it for a while, but something always seems to stop me. 

SFX: RUSTLING NOISE FROM THE TREES

ROZ 

Oh my God. 

NILES 

Yes that's right Roz, Daphne... 

ROZ 

No I mean oh my God, did you hear that? 

FRASIER 

Hear what? 

ROZ 

That noise. It sounds like someone is watching us over there in behind the trees. 

SFX: RUSTLING NOISE

ROZ (CONT'D) 

There it is again. 

MARTIN 

I heard it that time. 

FRASIER 

I wonder what it is. 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Something with yet again impeccable timing. 

DAPHNE 

I bet it's a bear. 

MARTIN 

Don't talk crazy. 

DAPHNE 

You saw the sign. And here we are with a big burning spotlight in front of us cooking sausages. Why don't we just run through the woods covered in sheep's blood? 

FRASIER 

It can't be a bear. 

SFX: RUSTLING NOISE

ROZ 

There it is again. 

NILES 

Do you really want to stay around and find out? 

FRASIER 

Not particularly no. 

THEY ALL RUSH INSIDE AND SHUT AND SLAM THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE ROOM IS STILL ONLY LIT BY CANDLES AS THEY ALL STAY CLOSE TO THE DOOR LOOKING OUT THE WINDOWS 

MARTIN 

Can you see anything? 

SFX: RUSTLING NOISE

ROZ 

There it is again. I've got an idea. One of us needs to be a human sacrifice to save the rest. 

FRASIER 

Was that you volunteering? 

ROZ 

No 

NILES 

Frasier you should do it. 

FRASIER 

Why is this suddenly pick on Frasier day? 

DAPHNE 

Well think about it logically. 

FRASIER 

I am and all logic seems to point to the fact that the four of you seem to have a grudge against me. Why can't Roz go? 

MARTIN 

Roz has a child. 

FRASIER 

So do I. 

MARTIN 

But not here. 

DAPHNE 

Mr. Crane has a cane and a bad leg. 

FRASIER 

Exactly he's dead wood. What's he got to live for? He should go out there and stop being so selfish. 

MARTIN 

Oh that's nice. Why don't you just smoother me in the night with a pillow and put me out of my misery? 

FRASIER 

I would be Eddie is too alert. The moment I crack your door open he growls at me. Oh I've had an idea, let's send Eddie out there. 

MARTIN 

Over my dead body. 

FRASIER 

Oh are you volunteering now? 

NILES 

Oh come on Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Why can't one of you two do it? 

DAPHNE 

Because we're a couple and you're single. We have so much more to live for. 

FRASIER 

I see what's going on. If I don't go out there of my own free will I'll be so depressed I'll turn suicidal and go out there. 

ROZ 

Just spin a bottle for it. 

FRASIER 

Once again this is not the time for a drunken orgy. 

ROZ 

According to you there's never a good time for that. Why exactly did you go to college? 

FRASIER 

To learn. 

ROZ 

To learn what? How not to have a good time? 

NILES 

I think it's stopped. Maybe it just took the sausages and the marshmallows and went away again. 

FRASIER 

Oh and like that would fill a bear. Why didn't we just make him some cupcakes and peanut brittle? 

NILES 

When did you become a zookeeper and an authority on bears? 

MARTIN 

Let's get one of these guns out. 

NILES 

To shoot the bear? 

MARTIN 

No to shoot one of you two if you don't shut up. 

FRASIER 

At least we're tying to come up with a solution. 

MARTIN 

So am I. When I've shot you both I'll sling you out on the porch. I won't be lying to the police when I say a bear ate you both. 

DAPHNE 

It's gone awfully quiet. He's probably pulled up a chair to listen to our conversation. There's so much shouting, it could almost be the Jerry Springer show. 

FRASIER 

The what? 

DAPHNE 

Oh that's right I forgot you don't live in the real world. 

ROZ 

You're right it's stopped. 

MARTIN 

Listen. 

THEY ALL LEAN UP THE DOOR AND LISTEN VERY HARD AS THE RANGER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

RANGER 

Hello there. 

THEY ALL SCREAM AND SPIN AROUND TO THE DIRECTION THE VOICE CAME FROM 

NILES 

Shoot the bear, shoot the bear. 

DAPHNE 

Who the bleedin' hell are you? 

RANGER 

I'm Rodger one of the local Rangers, I just wanted to make sure you were coping OK without any power. 

NILES 

We were coping just fine until you made us soil ourselves. 

FRASIER 

We thought you were a bear. 

RANGER 

Oh there aren't any bears up here. 

NILES 

Then why do you have that sign on the door? 

RANGER 

To make it more exciting for the tourists. 

MARTIN 

Oh yes because thinking you're about to be mauled to death at any moment is really entertaining. 

NILES 

But this is a private residence, we don't have any tourists stay here. 

RANGER 

Then I should have a word with your caretaker. This cabin is always full. 

NILES 

I'll kill him. 

FRASIER 

You know next time you invite me anywhere Niles I'm just going to say no. I don't think I can cope with the constant supply of embolisms. 

DAPHNE 

What were you doing out there in the bushes? 

RANGER 

I wasn't. 

ROZ 

Then where were you? 

RANGER 

Out the back taking a leak. 

NILES 

That means there's still something out the front. 

THE RANGER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Don't do that it'll kill us all. 

THE OPEN DOOR REVEALS A RACOON SITTING BY THE FIRE EATING THE MARSHMALLOWS. AS THEY ALL LOOK EXTREMELY SHEEPISH, EMBARRASSED BUT AT THE SAME TIME RELIEVED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'RIGHT ANSWER, WRONG QUESTION' 

FADE IN: 

INT. COTTAGE LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne) 

THE ELECTRICITY IS STILL OUT SO EVERYONE CARRIES A CANDLE. ROZ MAKES HER WAY UP THE STAIRS AS NILES AND DAPHNE UNFOLD SOME BLANKETS AND PLACE THEM ON THE COUCH. FRASIER LOCKS THE FRONT DOOR WHILE MARTIN MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS THE STAIRS 

ROZ 

Well goodnight everybody. 

THEY ADLIB GOODNIGHT AND ROZ EXITS INTO HER ROOM 

FRASIER 

Dad why are you taking all that beer to bed with you? 

MARTIN 

It's getting warm. 

FRASIER 

And it's cooler in your room? 

MARTIN 

No, I'm going to drink it before it's ruined. 

NILES 

So you'll be wanting a new liver in the morning I take it. 

MARTIN 

Hey I can hold my alcohol. 

DAPHNE 

Well it's easy when you've spent half of your life holding onto a beer can. Your hands moulded itself to that shape now. If you ever tried to unroll your fingers I imagine they'd snap. 

MARTIN 

I'm off to bed before I snap. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH NILES LYING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO IT 

FRASIER 

Are you two sure you're all right down here? 

NILES 

Of course what person isn't fully refreshed in the morning after spending all night sleeping on a hard, cold floor? 

FRASIER 

As long as you're both all right. Goodnight. 

DAPHNE 

Goodnight Dr. Crane. 

NILES 

Goodnight Frasier. 

FRASIER EXITS UP THE STAIRS AND INTO HIS ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure you're all right down there? I'm sure we'd both fit on here if we tried. 

NILES 

But in the long run, after the plastic surgery to repair my broken nose caused by when rather then if I fall off and land flat on the floor, it's not worth it. I'm fine. 

DAPHNE 

I can't see any spiders under the couch anyway so you should be all right. Well Goodnight. 

NILES 

Nite Daphne. 

THEY KISS BEFORE BOTH LYING DOWN AND TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE

A LONG BEAT 

DAPHNE 

Oh you've been trying to ask me something all day. What is it? 

NILES 

It was just...do you still want to go on vacation to Manchester? 

DAPHNE 

Not really, but to avoid more moaning I think we should. 

NILES 

Then we'll go, under one condition. 

DAPHNE 

I've told you Simon won't come near you. 

NILES 

That's not what I meant. I'll go under the condition that we go away to the Cayman Islands or somewhere afterwards. 

DAPHNE 

Are you serious? 

NILES 

When am I not? 

DAPHNE 

That'll be wonderful. 

NILES 

So do you want to? 

DAPHNE 

I do. 

NILES 

That's just what I wanted to hear. 

NILES LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN AS DAPHNE PLACES A HAND OVER THE SIDE OF THE COUCH AND ONTO HIS AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BOTH SOUND ASLEEP. SUDDENLY THE ELECTRICITY COMES BACK ON ALONG WITH ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE SINCE THEY FORGOT TO TURN THEM OFF AGAIN WHEN THE POWER WENT OFF. THIS IMMEDIATELY WAKES BOTH OF THEM UP. RATHER GROGGILY THEY GET UP AND TURN AND CLAP OFF THE LIGHTS BEFORE COLLAPSING BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH AND ON THE FLOOR RESPECTIVELY. 


	23. Episode TwentyThree

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Firstly a big thank you to everyone who sent me feedback about the last one. Secondly I would like to say damn all you jammy buggers that have seen the first three episodes of season nine. But I will not read what happens. I won't. Maybe if I keep telling myself that I might begin to believe it. _

_Please send all feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com and in return I'll send you a lovely unviolated Welsh sheep for you do what you please with. _

_Marissa, I thought I'd throw a curve ball just for you. You may decide to rethink that whale, broken leg storyline. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-Three   
It's Now Or Never 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Daphne, Niles, Roz, Frasier, Waitress) 

ROZ SITS BY THE COUNTER FACING THE DOOR FOCUSING ALL HER ATTENTION ONTO HER LAPTOP AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER. NILES LOOKS RATHER AGITATED AS DAPHNE TRIES TO CALM HIM DOWN. 

DAPHNE 

Oh for God's sake will you calm down. If you frown anymore you'll give yourself a stroke. And I haven't got time to look after both you and your father. Especially on the money that I make, you'd have to give me a significant rise first. 

NILES SUDDENLY HAS AN EXTREMELY GOOFY GRIN CREEP ACROSS HIS FACE AS HE CHOOSES TO MISINTERPRET DAPHNE'S LAST STATEMENT. HE THEN BEGINS TO LAUGH TO HIMSELF AS DAPHNE SLAPS HIS BACKSIDE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

That's not what I meant and you know it. 

NILES ONCE AGAIN BECOMES MORE AGITATED AND LOOKS OUT THE DOOR 

NILES 

But that horny little letch was checking you out. 

DAPHNE 

Oh he was not. 

NILES 

I think I know when someone is checking you out. I've spent the last eight years doing it myself. I know what it looks like. 

DAPHNE 

So do I, in your case it makes you look like an epileptic Bulldog chewing on an extremely angry wasp. It's just a pity that you don't know when you're being checked out. 

NILES 

What does that mean? Who was checking me out? 

DAPHNE 

Come in boat number three. He was staring at you, not me. 

NILES 

Don't be ridiculous. 

DAPHNE 

Niles he was one step away from picturing your pants caught on the ceiling fan, rolling over and having a cigarette. And I saw myself pulling that face in a mirror way too many times before we got together so I know what that look looks like as well. Hello Roz. 

ROZ 

Hi guys. 

DAPHNE 

Do you mind if we join you? 

ROZ 

Sure go ahead. (RE NILES) What's his problem? Has Martin's spray cheese gone on one of your driving moccasins again? I'm sure I could get it off with a bit of spit and some toilet roll. 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN 

DAPHNE 

Earl with the wondering eye was just checking him out. 

ROZ 

Earl? The guy with the fresh fish fetish who holds his breath until he passes out to get people to give him mouth to mouth? 

DAPHNE 

No that's Harry. Earl's the guy who begs on the street corner. He keeps a hamster in a jewellery box and his false teeth glued to a pogo stick as part of his sideshow. He wear's a wig that makes him look like Cher on crack. 

NILES 

And once again I'm reminded of what a wonderful city we live in. We have more circus freaks then the Cirque du Soleil. 

ROZ 

Oh I know Earl. He really checked him out? 

DAPHNE 

Yeah. You could see the image of Niles covered in baby oil and riding a mechanical bull playing through his eyes as we walked past. (LAUGHING) I don't mind sharing you with him if you're interested honey. 

ROZ 

That's not a pretty picture. 

NILES 

Thanks but no thanks. (CHANGING THE SUBJECT) And moving swiftly along. So Roz what are you doing? Breaking into the FBI computer to change your permanent Police record? 

ROZ 

(SARCASTICALLY) Not today that was last week. I'm writing my memoirs. 

NILES 

And how's that sentence coming along? If you're lucky you might have enough material to fill an entire pamphlet as long as you have lots of illustrations. But then it is your memoirs. I bet it'll have more illustrations then the Karma Sutra. I bet they're a lot more explicit as well. 

DAPHNE 

Can you children play nicely just once? Don't make me send you to bed without any ice cream again. 

ROZ 

Sure we can play nicely when we want to. 

NILES 

We just don't want to. (THEN) Oh I've thought of something nice to say to you. It's nice to see you using a laptop rather than sitting on some strange man's thrusting laptop. 

ROZ 

Hey if you don't mind, my friend happens to be a table dancer, she's a wonderful person extremely well educated, attends the opera and goes to all you precious, fancy pants restaurants. So watch who you talk down to. Don't judge a book by its cover. 

NILES 

How on earth can she afford to do all that? 

DAPHNE 

You can earn quite a lot of money doing it. My friend Annie used to do it for some extra cash. If the men like you they put a big tip in your g-string. 

NILES 

I don't doubt it. 

ROZ 

If you must know I'm surfing the Internet. 

NILES 

I see you're looking for pornography to satisfy your seedy cravings. 

ROZ 

Why would I do a thing like that? 

NILES 

Oh yes I forgot you live by the docks don't you? I suppose you have your fill of alcohol lubricated, horny sailors during the night without looking for them during the day as well. 

ROZ 

Since Earl found you so attractive maybe you should join me tonight. There are a couple of guys down there who would just love to turn you into a man. Anyway how do you know about porn on the Internet Mr. Prim and Proper? Have you suddenly discovered your inner pimp? 

THE WAITRESS APPROACHES WITH THEIR COFFEES 

NILES 

You can't go on there without accidentally clicking the wrong link and being face to face with someone else's giant... 

WAITRESS 

Biscotti? 

NILES 

Yes thankyou. 

ROZ 

Oh I see penis envy. It's the only thing that Frasier babbles about that interests me in the slightest. 

NILES 

No that's not it. Daphne can you help me out in this particular area? 

DAPHNE 

You've dug yourself in this hole, I'm happy to sit on the edge with a bag of popcorn watching and laughing. 

NILES 

It's a minefield on there. I was typing in the search engine for dentistry and I won't tell you what I got. Needless to say you wouldn't want to clean your teeth with it. What am I saying? You probably would. And what they were suggesting as a mouthwash, it made me blush like a schoolgirl. 

DAPHNE 

Well what did you expect when you type 'oral' into a search engine? Pictures of kittens and fairies? Or maybe a mongoose on a trampoline? The Police have probably got you on a list of perverts after that incident. 

NILES 

Oh it was perfectly innocent. 

ROZ 

Oh yes and I'm sure the judge will believe that you were just looking for a dentist. I don't think that'll hold up in court not without several bottles of Viagra anyway. 

NILES 

(CONCERNED) Really? 

DAPHNE 

Oh we're only teasing. 

ROZ 

I'm not. If you must know I'm talking to someone. 

DAPHNE 

Who? 

ROZ 

His names Rick. I met him in a singles chat room. 

NILES 

Good God could you be anymore desperate? 

FRASIER ENTERS AND OVERHEARS THE NEXT COMMENT 

ROZ 

Not without being Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Do what without being me? 

ROZ 

Nothing. 

NILES 

(TEASING) Oh look what we have here, it's a secret she doesn't want Frasier to know about, advantage Niles. Roz is talking to strange men on the Internet. 

FRASIER 

Oh for God's sake Roz. 

ROZ'S HAND DISAPPEARS UNDER THE TABLE IN NILES' GENERAL DIRECTION CAUSING HIM TO FLINCH SOMEWHAT WILDLY AND BLINK RAPIDLY 

NILES 

Edward Scissorhands can you please remove your hand? I may want to use that again in the foreseeable future. And it'll be a lot easier if the blood circulation is not completely cut off. 

ROZ LETS GO AND NILES SIGHS 

ROZ 

Quit complaining you can always have it kissed better. 

NILES GRINS AT DAPHNE AS SHE PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDER 

DAPHNE 

Not now we're in the middle of Nervosa. And I don't particularly want another ball cock wedged up my back in that toilet cubicle. I still have that bruise and the lingering odour of disinfectant in my hair. 

FRASIER 

You know there wasn't one part of that sentence that I wanted to hear. 

ROZ 

That makes two of us. 

FRASIER 

And changing the subject. Are you that desperate to meet a man? 

ROZ 

I'm not the one who was so desperate for a date they hit on that guy who was a transvestite at Meg's leaving party at the station last week. Now let me try and remember who that was. Oh yes that's right, it was you. 

FRASIER 

How was I to know she was a man? 

NILES 

The fact that she had an Adam's apple the size of a genetically engineered watermelon should have tipped you off. 

DAPHNE 

Not to mention the shoulders of a marine. 

NILES 

And a thick moustache. 

FRASIER 

So that doesn't mean anything. Nanna on Dad's side had a moustache like Clark Gable. 

NILES 

Yes and she was also ninety years old and on steroids. So I think you've lost that argument. 

ROZ 

It should have got you thinking twice when she picked up a crate of beer with one hand. 

FRASIER 

What can I say? I just don't notice the subtle things about human behaviour like everyone else does. 

DAPHNE 

Remind me again what you do for a living. 

FRASIER 

So I was off the mark with Connie. At least I'm not asking out people I've never laid eyes on before. 

ROZ 

I'll have you know this guy is actually quite nice. 

FRASIER 

For all you know he could be a two foot poison dwarf with a bad case of halitosis and haemorrhoids wanting to grind you up to make rheumatism oil. 

NILES 

Or he could be some young boy wanting to find himself a dried-up desperate older woman to have a quick bunk up with so he can boast to all his chums on the bus on his way to school. 

DAPHNE 

(OPTIMISTICALLY) Or he could be Prince Charming. 

ROZ 

Thankyou Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

(MENACINGLY) Until he suddenly goes berserk, picks up a hatchet and starts to skin a dozen pigeons for you to sow together and wear as your wedding gown. And I'm not making that up either it actually happened. I thought she looked quite fetching even though it was covered in the odd feather and patch of blood. She had the beaks all around the edge of the veil like corks on those hats Australians wear. 

ROZ AND FRASIER JUST STARE IN DISBELIEF AT DAPHNE WHILE NILES SMILES AT HER. FRASIER SUDDENLY BREAKS THE SILENCE 

FRASIER 

Come on Roz. Surely you wouldn't even consider meeting one of these men. They could be lying threw their back teeth to you. Sure they say that they're a brain surgeon with three Labrador dogs and a mother that he calls everyday, but in reality they could be the whipping boy at the local state penitentiary and dragged around the shower room by his hair on a daily basis. 

ROZ 

Or he could be telling the truth. Where is your sense of love and romance? 

FRASIER 

In Florence where Diane ripped my heart out, added handles and a strap to use it as her new purse. It's just so impersonal, how could you even consider meeting someone without knowing what his personal hygiene is like first? 

ROZ 

Are you quite finished making fun of me? 

FRASIER 

(LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) Not yet give me another ten minutes. 

AS ROZ CONTINUES TO BE THE BUTT OF ALL JOKES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'MY GUESS WOULD BE THE DECEASED IS THE GUY WHO HAD A RAT POISON ADDITION' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Kevin (VO), Keith (VO)) 

NILES SITS ON THE COUCH AS FRASIER POURS THEM BOTH A SHERRY. NILES ONCE AGAIN LOOKS VERY GLUM AND KEEPS RUBBING HIS NECK. 

FRASIER 

All right what happened this time? You look more miserable then you've done for a long time and there's still no ring on Daphne's finger. What dead animal got in your way this time? 

NILES 

I was about to propose but I got my tie caught in the garbage disposal. It was caught too far down to just slip out of without choking to death so I was stuck there until we could get the building handyman up there to take it apart and rescue me. The fact that he was drunk at the time and singing an Elvis medley in German extremely badly didn't make the experience any better. And German is hardly the most romantic language in the world so once again that pretty much ruined the mood. I say ruined, it was more like killed, a stake rammed through the heart. 

FRASIER 

Do you ever think that maybe you're bringing on all of these accidents and interruptions on yourself? 

NILES 

Oh yes I asked Daphne to break my finger, I tried to commit suicide by strangling myself on the garbage disposal and I asked for you to invade our weekend at the cottage. I plotted it all, it's all part of my master plan to buy her a ring and never give it to her. 

FRASIER 

Well once you were free from the garbage disposal, why didn't you do it then? You were alone, you had the use of your neck back again, and there were no Nazi Elvis impersonators so why didn't you do it? 

NILES 

It just didn't seem right somehow. I was still mourning the loss of a Hugo Boss tie. And nursing my stomach from Daphne's Shepard's pie. I can't believe she picked that meat up from the market. It tasted more like some sort of organ donation from the hospital. But I mean that in the best possible way. 

FRASIER 

Or maybe everything was right and you lost your nerve. You've had ample opportunities and yet you never seem to take them. She's in her room getting ready right now, why don't you go and do it? Then you can really make a night of it. Or is there a chance that you'll accidentally knock yourself out on the piano on the way? 

NILES 

I'm just not sure that's appropriate right now. 

FRASIER 

I think it's time you face what you're really afraid of. Besides small insects and people who have attended a community college and don't know how to use a napkin. 

NILES 

What's that? Spreading my legs and letting a drunken handyman crawl through them rendering an extremely large wrench that went a little too close for comfort? I tell you he made my eyes water. I'm expecting nightmares and several years of therapy over that one. 

FRASIER 

Well it's certainly frightened me. I'm talking about being rejected by Daphne. 

NILES 

(SOMEWHAT SHOCKED) You think she'll say no? Should I have brought a bottle of sedatives with me? 

FRASIER 

That's not what I'm saying. Of course she'll say yes, but with everything that you've been through with Maris, all of those experiences, it must have left a tiny doubt in your mind. And while that doubts there you're always going to be looking for a way to back out so you don't have to face the potential of more upset. 

NILES SERIOUSLY STARTS TO CONSIDER THIS AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

Do you guys mind if I have my show on? 

FRASIER 

Just think about it all right Niles. No Dad go right ahead. 

MARTIN TURNS ON THE RADIO AND THEN SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR 

KEVIN (VO) 

Hello there and welcome to another round of 'Spell Your Disease'. I'm Kevin Mousetrap and we have another fun filled show for you today. But before we begin I'd like to hold my hands up and admit that I'm a recovering necrophilliac. 

SFX: A ROUND OF APPLAUSE IS HEARD THROUGH THE RADIO

NILES 

Dad what is this? It sounds a bit of a bizarre concept. 

MARTIN 

It's called 'Spell Your Disease'. They get people off the street with some sort of disease and see if they can spell it on the air. Then you have to try to guess what it is before they finish spelling it. 

FRASIER 

Once again I feel there's no need to worry about the ratings on my show when I have to compete with this and "Mary's Dog Tick Hour" on KPYW. 

MARTIN 

Well believe me your ratings would go through the roof if you had a guy on there trying to spell gonorrhoea. The fun part is trying to get them to admit on air what's wrong with them. Especially when it's something really embarrassing. 

NILES 

I suppose you couldn't have a narcoleptic on there. They'd have fallen asleep before they'd finished spelling it. 

MARTIN 

The one guy they had on waited so long for his turn that by the time it came around he was already dead. But fortunately one of the paramedic's that turned up had a case of syphilis so all was not lost. It made it even funnier the fact that he had a lisp. 

MARTIN LAUGHS AS FRASIER AND NILES STARE AT HIM IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT BEFORE NILES BREAKS THE SILENCE 

NILES 

Well 'dead' is relatively easy word to spell. 

FRASIER 

Except when you are actually dead Niles. I'd imagine then that it's rather tricky to get your tongue around that one syllable. 

KEVIN (VO) 

OK Keith go ahead. 

KEITH (VO) 

My disease is spelt h..y..s..l..d..n..a..s..u..m. 

FRASIER 

What the hell is that supposed to be? 

NILES 

It's obviously so rare it doesn't make it into the everyday medical dictionary. I bet he caught it backpacking through the jungle. Food can turn very easily in that kind of intense heat. 

MARTIN 

Tell me about it, I'll never forget about that potato salad your Mom left in the trunk of the car that one summer. 

NILES 

And thanks to your colourful storytelling and rhyming limericks every Thanksgiving we'll never forget about it either. 

MARTIN 

Admittedly yes it did have several tufts of hair growth but it smelt all right. How was I to know it had gone bad? 

NILES 

If only God had sent you some sort of a sign. 

FRASIER 

I know he's been stranded at sea for years, with an infestation of rats. We all know how non-deadly their diseases can be. The fact that I still encourage Lilith to work with them is a completely unrelated matter. 

MARTIN 

Fifty bucks says he's dyslexic. 

KEITH (VO) 

I'm dyslexic. 

MARTIN 

Learn from the master boys. 

NILES 

That's a nice offer Dad but I think I'll pass. Frasier, I have to ask what's with the grin plastered on your face recently. 

NILES SHEPHERDS FRASIER TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AND OUT OF EAR SHOT OF MARTIN 

FRASIER 

What grin? I just have wind that's all. 

NILES 

You constantly look like your smirking at someone who's wearing white after Labour Day. You've been like it for weeks. Am I to detect that you've actually been lucky recently? I thought I saw a flying pig this morning but I thought I was hallucinating again. 

FRASIER 

Not exactly but I have been... 

NILES 

This isn't going to have anything to do with your extremely expensive cable bill this month is it? Because you know you'll go blind. 

FRASIER 

No it's not, now would you mind vacating the gutter? 

NILES 

Not at all. The gutter is now vacated. So what's going on? 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) All right I have met a woman. The most perfect woman to ever grace the planet. She's absolutely breathtaking. I haven't felt this way for... I've never felt this way. To be perfectly honest I am hopelessly and completely besotted with her. 

NILES 

Why you little sneak I didn't even know you were dating anyone. This is fantastic, obviously once I've gotten over my initial horror that hell has actually frozen over. So what's her name? 

FRASIER 

Sunshine. 

NILES 

Sunshine? Obviously a child of the sixties flower power movement. What's her brother called? Storm cloud? So what does she look like? 

FRASIER 

I have absolutely no idea. 

NILES 

(SLIGHTLY CONFUSED) You know when you go out on blind dates you don't actually have to make yourself blind. It's not the golden rule. You are allowed to see who you're talking to. Plus if you came to sleep with her things may get a little awkward, especially as it's been so long for you. I'd be surprised if you could remember what to do with a woman with the added bonus of vision. Without you're just asking for trouble and an injury. 

FRASIER 

I don't know what she looks like because I met her over the Internet, in one of those chat rooms Roz was talking about. I wandered in there a couple of weeks ago and I've spoken to her every night since. 

NILES 

You've what? Have you been mixing medications with a bottle of bleach again? I've told you, that'll send you blind as well. 

FRASIER 

No I haven't. 

MARTIN 

What are you two whispering about? 

FRASIER 

Nothing. 

FRASIER GESTURES TO NILES IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET HIM NOT TO SAY ANYTHING 

NILES 

Frasier's having cyber-sex with a strange woman. 

FRASIER 

Thankyou Niles. I'll remember this when you want a kidney. I am merely talking to a woman not having sex with her. 

MARTIN 

So how's this different from what you normally do? 

NILES 

After all the fun you made of Roz, you do the same thing? Don't you think you're being a bit of a hypocrite? And even worse seeping down to her street urchin level? 

FRASIER 

I'll admit I was wrong about it. It's actually a lot of fun and this woman is so lovely. And since I have very little joy with face-to-face dates, this is a real boost to my confidence. 

MARTIN 

Isn't it a bit weird though? 

FRASIER 

It's no weirder then answering a personal ad or going on a blind date. And no one batters an eye at that. 

MARTIN STARES AT FRASIER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What it's just talking. It's not as if any lubricants are involved. 

NILES 

My God you sound like a giggly schoolboy. I can't wait to tell Roz about this. She'll drag you out into the town centre and give you a good flogging. 

FRASIER 

If you tell Roz, it'll be the last thing you ever do. Probably because I'll remove your tongue and keep it in a mason jar on the credenza. If you're lucky I may even pickle it first. What I said to her will be nothing compared to what she'll throw back at me. She'll make fun of me for the rest of my life and I can do without that. No telling Daphne either, she might tell Roz. 

SFX: LOTS OF SCREAMING AND SHOUTING CAN BE HEARD FROM THE RADIO

NILES 

OK fine. But only because I've become rather attached to my tongue. 

MARTIN 

Hey can you two help me with this one? He hasn't spelt anything yet, he just keeps screaming and yelling obscenities. 

FRASIER 

That'll be Tourette's syndrome. 

SFX: THUD FROM THE RADIO

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What on earth was that? 

NILES 

The obvious answer would be a lumberjack cutting down a tree. The sign of all top quality radio shows. 

MARTIN 

There's a doctor on standby to mace and sedate people who get a little out of control. They had to stop using the cattle prod because people kept complaining that it was inhumane. If you ask me it's taken a lot of the entertainment value away. They just pass out now, with not even the smallest of twitches. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

NILES 

And there she is. Are you all ready because you look absolutely stunning? 

DAPHNE 

I certainly am. What have you been up to out here? More beefy male bonding? Discussing Monster Truck Rally's? Or comparing all the wild animals that you've strangled with your bare hands? 

NILES 

Frasier's having cyber-sex with a strange woman. 

FRASIER GLARES AT NILES WITH A LOOK THAT COULD KILL 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What? Well she was practically interrogating me. I cracked under the pressure. I can't take it when she yells. And you're forgetting that she is psychic, she would have guessed anyway. 

AS NILES AND DAPHNE RUN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR BEFORE FRASIER CAN THROW ANY THING AT HIM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Eddie) 

FRASIER ENTERS HIS ROOM CARRYING A MUFFIN ON A PLATE WITH EDDIE FOLLOWING, HIS EYES NOT LEAVING THE MUFFIN. FRASIER CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AND SITS DOWN AT HIS COMPUTER. EDDIE SITS NEXT TO HIM STILL STARING AT THE MUFFIN 

FRASIER 

Eddie go away. You're not having any. You stand more chance of having more children then you do of getting any of this muffin. And since you are now technically female I wouldn't keep my hopes up. (THEN) Do I try to steal your dog food? It's not my fault you're not picky and actually enjoy eating animal by products. Oh all right fine. Get ready to chase it. Are you ready? (PAUSE) Why am I waiting for an answer? (PAUSE) Why am I waiting for an answer from that? (SIGHS) It's been a long day. You know what I'm just going to throw it. 

FRASIER GOES TO THROW THE MUFFIN BUT DOESN'T LET GO. EDDIE RUNS IN THE DIRECTION THAT IT SHOULD HAVE LANDED AND SNIFFS AROUND FOR IT. FRASIER MEANWHILE TURNS HIS CHAIR AROUND TAKES A BITE FROM THE MUFFIN AND TURNS HIS COMPUTER ON. ONCE EDDIE FINALLY REALISES THAT THE MUFFIN IS NOT ON THE FLOOR, HE TROTS BACK OVER TO FRASIER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

That took less time then I thought. If you do that with Dad and a beer can he's normally gone for half an hour. At least you can't club me with a cane. 

EDDIE BARKS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(SHOUTS) It's not my fault God didn't bestow on you a pair of opposable thumbs. Oh all right, I'll throw it this time. (SOTTO TO HIMSELF) In your dreams. I know let's do this out in the hall where you've got further to run. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE HALL WITH THE MUFFIN WITH EDDIE FOLLOWING 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS IN THE HALL AND EDDIE SITS AT HIS FEET. HE THEN LIFTS THE MUFFIN AND PRETENDS TO THROW IT A FEW TIMES, WHICH DOESN'T FOOL EDDIE. HE THEN BRINGS THE MUFFIN BACK TO ARMS LENGTH TO ONCE AGAIN PRETEND TO THROW IT. AS HE THROWS HIS ARM FORWARD EDDIE RUNS DOWN THE HALL READY TO CATCH IT. UNFORTUNATELY FOR FRASIER HE LOOSES GRIP OF THE MUFFIN AND REALLY DOES THROW IT. HE THEN CHASES DOWN THE HALL AFTER IT, BUT EDDIE GRABS IT FIRST AND RUNS OFF AROUND THE CORNER WITH IT IN HIS MOUTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Damn you, you little rat. Drop that you little fur covered colon before I drop you with a deer rifle. 

MARTIN CALLS FROM INSIDE HIS BEDROOM 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) It'll serve you right for teasing him. 

FRASIER 

Shouldn't you be asleep? 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) I'm sorry I didn't know I had to drift off immediately after I'd slopped out and the warden had shut the lights out instead of looking at my girlie books. You aren't going to put me in the hole are you? 

FRASIER 

How about a retirement home? 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) I heard that. 

FRASIER 

It's funny how you can hear that but you can't hear me when I stand two feet away from you and ask you to put a coaster under your beer. 

A BEAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh how strange it's all gone quiet again. 

FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS ROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN AT HIS COMPUTER AND GOES ON LINE 

FRASIER 

Are you about again tonight Sunshine? I could do with a nice talk with you, either that or a bottle of Prozac. Ah there you are. 

(TYPES) _Good evening. And how are you today? Good I hope._

THE SCREEN SPLITS INTO TWO WITH: INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS — ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE AND INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS — ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE 

ROZ SITS AS FRASIER DOES IN FRONT OF HER COMPUTER SCREEN 

ROZ 

Oh good you're on line. 

(TYPES) _I'm feeling just fine thankyou Stephano_. _How are you?_

Have you been up to anything today? What did you think of Bush's speech? Do you watch 'The West Wing'? Will you have my children, let me die in your arms? That was maybe just a little too much. 

FRASIER 

Where to begin? 

(TYPES) _Other then another battle with my father I'm fine_. 

Should I add that I don't have to bathe him? The mental image may put her off me. 

ROZ 

Oh no, he has to wash him. I don't want those hands running over me after he's just washed his fathers... 

(TYPES) _Do you live with your father?_

Please tell me you don't wash him. 

FRASIER 

(TYPES) _I do. I took him in a few years ago_. 

That shows I'm caring, you don't need to know I was guilted into it and had no choice. If I get onto the subject of Niles I'll be here all night. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _You know my friend lives with his father. They drive each other mad_. 

See I can relate to that. 

FRASIER 

(TYPES) _Well I can empathize_. 

Oh boy can I. 

(TYPES) _I know what I've been meaning to ask you. Where do you live?_

ROZ 

Uh-oh. 

(TYPES) _Do you mean the address?_

Oh my God please say no. 

FRASIER 

I'm not going to stalk you. 

(TYPES) _I meant which city_. 

I'm not Roz. I'm not going to sit outside your apartment with a pair of binoculars and a cheese sandwich. 

ROZ 

Thank God. 

(TYPES) _Seattle_. _The Emerald City_. 

FRASIER 

Really? 

(TYPES) _That's where I live_. 

I may actually be able to meet this angel. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _You're kidding_. 

Oh my God! 

FRASIER 

(TYPES) _No, I was born and raised here_. 

I'm home right now. That's obvious I'm on my computer. Thank God I didn't type that. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _I bet we've already walked past each other in the street_. 

FRASIER 

(TYPES) _Maybe. Maybe we could do it again?_

Oh no did I just type that? Make a small mental note always think before you engage your fingers. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _Maybe_. 

Oh dear God he wants to meet me. Why didn't I say I was from Salt Lake City? No one pretends to be from Salt Lake City. Except maybe people from Wichita. 

FRASIER 

Now I've frightened her. 

(TYPES) _I mean we don't have to_. 

Could I sound anymore insecure? Why don't I just tell her I haven't had sex for so long I've forgotten how? Then she'll think I want her to cure me. It'll be like Tony Curtis in 'Some Like It Hot'. I sound like Bulldog. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _OK sure_. 

What am I doing? I'll end up packed into a lunchbox. Or I could marry him. I'd hate to be an extremist. 

FRASIER 

(TYPES) _Where?_

Is this really happening? I knew I shouldn't have had that extra sherry. The whole muffin incident has fried my mind. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _How about the top of the Space Needle? That'll be romantic_. 

You wouldn't dare kill me in front of so many witnesses. Unless you intend to take out everyone else as well up there. How quickly a person can change from potential husband to decapitated bunny loving freak. 

FRASIER 

(TYPES) _That's sounds fine. It'll be like 'An Affair to Remember'_. 

Maybe that was too much. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _As long as I don't get hit by a car on the way. How will I recognise you?_

You'll be the only person in straightjacket escorted by a warden. 

FRASIER 

(TYPES) _I'll be looking helpless with a copy of the Seattle times in my hand._

ROZ 

As long as there isn't a dead squirrel in the other that's fine. 

(TYPES) _OK. How about Saturday at six o'clock?_

FRASIER 

(TYPES) _Fine_. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _Well I'm sorry but I've got to go now_. 

Does this sound too blunt? Since you just asked me to meet you and now I'm running away. 

FRASIER 

And I've asked her to meet me and now she's running away. Could I have scared her anymore? Not without suggesting bringing some sort of lubricant. 

(TYPES) _OK bye_. 

I have to call Niles. 

ROZ 

(TYPES) _Bye_. 

THE SCREEN SPLIT ENDS 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ FUMBLES AROUND HER ROOM LOOKING FOR THE PHONE. WHEN SHE EVENTUALLY FINDS IT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BED SHE DIALS 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh my God. I need someone to go with me. (ON PHONE) Hello Frasier. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS BY THE ISLAND TALKING ON THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Roz. It's awfully late isn't it? Has another one of your dates locked you in his apartment again? Just give me the address and tell me where the handcuff keys are I'll be right around. 

ROZ 

(THROUGH THE PHONE) No, I'm at home actually. Alone except for Alice of course. I didn't wake you did I? 

FRASIER 

Erm...actually yes. (FAKE YAWNS) Some people like to sleep at this hour. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

And some people like to be at strip clubs, but what the hell you're boring. I'm sorry. I just wanted to ask you something. I've just done something really stupid and I need your help even though you'll wag your finger disapprovingly at me. What are you doing Saturday evening? 

FRASIER 

(THROUGH THE PHONE) I'm going out with...(SHOUTS) Niles. A boy's night out. 

ROZ 

Oh OK. I just... never mind I'll ask Daphne. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Where to? 

ROZ 

(THROUGH THE PHONE) Just to the movies. 

FRASIER 

It's nearly two in the morning and you phoned me to see if I wanted to help you with a stupid thing, which is going to the movies at the weekend? Have you been drinking? 

ROZ 

(THROUGH THE PHONE) No. I forgot Alice has more of a social life then you do and she spends half her life with her finger up her nose. I'm sorry. You need as much beauty sleep as you can get. Goodnight Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Goodnight Roz. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND CARRIES IT TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE (SORRY HAD TO DO IT)' 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz) 

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE ASLEEP IN BED. THE ROOM IS ONLY LIT BY THE MOON SHINNING THROUGH THE WINDOW 

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

THE NOISE STARTLES NILES WHO IMMEDIATELY SITS UP BUT DAPHNE DOESN'T MOVE A MUSCLE 

NILES 

What the hell is that? Quick call the Police. 

DAPHNE 

It's your cell phone you silly sod, not some alien ship trying to beam you up. I doubt William Shatner would have either the time or energy to do it. 

NILES 

I didn't order a wake up call did I? 

DAPHNE 

Since we're at your place, I'm going to have to say no. 

NILES 

What time is it? 

DAPHNE 

Time for you to answer you phone so I can get some sleep. 

NILES CRAWLS TO THE END OF THE BED AND LOOKS OVER THE EDGE 

NILES 

I'd do that but where exactly did you throw my trousers? 

DAPHNE 

Strangely enough thinking about where they were going to land wasn't in the forefront of my mind when I was pulling them off you. 

NILES 

And for that I'm extremely grateful. 

DAPHNE 

Just follow the noise. You don't have to be a narcotics sniffer dog to do this you know. 

NILES GRABS A DARK SHAPE AT THE FOOT OF THE BED 

NILES 

I've got it. 

DAPHNE 

That's my foot. The key to telling the difference is that phones don't have toes. It'll be on the floor not on the end of the bed. 

NILES CONTINUES TO CRAWL UNTIL HE RUNS OUT OF MATTRESS AND FALLS OFF THE END OF THE BED AND ENDS UP IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

You're a danger to yourself when you've just woken up. I should start to wrap you in cotton wool before you go to sleep. 

NILES 

OK now I've got it. 

DAPHNE LIFTS HER HEAD TO SEE 

DAPHNE 

Niles that's my shoe before you put the heel in your ear. Here let me look. 

DAPHNE CRAWLS TO THE END OF THE BED TO CONTINUE THE HUNT 

NILES 

What is this? 

DAPHNE 

That's my bra. Unless you've turned into J Edgar Hoover and not told me. 

NILES 

Not to my knowledge I haven't. Although I briefly wore a bra during my fraternity days. I passed at the slip though. 

DAPHNE 

I've got it. 

NILES 

How do you know that's not another shoe? 

DAPHNE 

Because this one is ringing, vibrating and flashing at me. 

DAPHNE PASSES NILES THE PHONE AND THEY BOTH CRAWL BACK INTO BED 

NILES 

You should be a detective. Hello? 

RESET TO: 

SPLIT SCREEN WITH: INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS ON THE RIGHT AND 

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS ON THE LEFT 

FRASIER SITS ON HIS BED TALKING ON THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

Oh good Niles you're awake. 

NILES 

Yes I'm normally awake and alert at two-thirty in the morning. It's the best part of the day. All the good infomercials are on. I don't have enough spoons that will cut through a solid steel block like a hot knife going through butter. Why are you ringing my cell phone? 

FRASIER 

I thought the house phone might wake Daphne up. 

SFX: DAPHNE'S CELL PHONE

NILES 

It's a little too late for that. Hold on a second Frasier. (COVERING UP THE MOUTHPIECE) What's that? My room doesn't normally have a delayed echo. 

DAPHNE 

It's my phone you dope. You should come with a health warning, 'not to operate heavy machinery after only a few hours sleep'. 

NILES 

I wouldn't call a phone heavy machinery. 

DAPHNE SWITCHES ON THE BED SIDE LAMP AND TAKES HER PHONE OUT OF HER PURSE WHICH IS BY THE SIDE OF THE BED AND SITS UP 

DAPHNE 

When you're this drowsy it is. (ON PHONE) Hello? 

RESET TO: 

SPLIT SCREEN WITH: INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS ON THE RIGHT, INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS IN THE CENTRE AND INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS ON THE LEFT 

EVERYONE REMAINS AS BEFORE WITH THE ADDITION OF ROZ SITTING ON HER BED WITH HER HEAD RESTING ON THE PHONE 

ROZ 

Oh good Daphne you're awake. 

DAPHNE 

My phone ringing in the middle of the night usually has that effect. 

ROZ 

I didn't wake up Niles did I? 

DAPHNE 

No he's already awake, he was just... 

ROZ 

I don't need to know anymore. You two have warped my mind enough thank you very much. 

NILES 

What is it I can do for you Frasier? 

DAPHNE 

Roz what did you call me for? 

ROZ/FRASIER 

That guy/woman I've been talking to on the Internet, well he/she wants to meet me. 

NILES 

How did that happen? 

DAPHNE 

It was his suggestion? 

ROZ/FRASIER 

We pretty much said it at the same time. 

NILES 

Where? 

DAPHNE 

Where are you going to meet him? 

ROZ/FRASIER 

At the top of the Space Needle. 

DAPHNE/NILES 

(SHOCKED) At the top of the Space Needle? 

DAPHNE AND NILES THEN TURN TO EACH OTHER AS THEIR MOUTHS DROP OPEN AND THEY REALISE WHAT IS GOING ON. THEY THEN REALLY TRY TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER AND SWITCH PHONES FOR A MOMENT AND LISTEN IN 

ROZ 

Yes I'll feel more comfortable because there will be a lot of people there in case he's some sort of loon. 

FRASIER 

She wanted to meet there because it would be romantic. Deep down I think it's because she's scared I'll kill her. 

THEY SWITCH PHONES AGAIN BOTH STILL GOB SMACKED 

DAPHNE 

(TO NILES) Oh my God! 

NILES 

(WHISPERS TO DAPHNE) We've woken up into some sort of Twilight Zone. Dad will walk in, in a moment with an extra eye on his forehead and Eddie will look like an inflatable cow. 

ROZ 

I know it's only been a few weeks but we really clicked. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? 

FRASIER 

This situation is no stranger then answering a personal ad. In fact this is better because we've been speaking for so long. I take it I don't have your approval. 

DAPHNE 

That's not up for me to say. 

NILES 

I'll support you what ever you decide to do you know that. 

DAPHNE 

Just know Roz that I'm here for you. 

ROZ 

Good so you'll come with me? 

FRASIER 

Will you come with me to meet her? 

DAPHNE 

What? 

NILES 

Why? 

ROZ 

I don't want to go alone what if he skins me alive? 

FRASIER 

Well she could be some sort of obsessed stalker. I don't want to go alone. 

DAPHNE 

Oh all right fine, why should one of us get skinned alived when we can both suffer that painful fate. 

NILES 

Sure Frasier, I don't get stalked nearly enough. 

ROZ 

Thankyou so much Daphne. 

FRASIER 

Wonderful. Oh one more thing. 

ROZ 

Before you go. 

DAPHNE/NILES 

What? 

ROZ/FRASIER 

Don't tell Niles/Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Fine I won't tell Niles. 

NILES 

Daphne will never know. 

NILES AND DAPHNE TURN TO EACH OTHER AND SMILE 

FRASIER 

OK thanks goodnight. 

ROZ 

Goodnight Daphne. 

NILES 

Goodnight. 

DAPHNE 

Night Roz. 

THEY ALL HANG UP THEIR PHONES AS THE SCREEN SPLIT ENDS 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh my God. Do you think we should tell them? 

NILES 

No. 

DAPHNE 

Why not? 

NILES 

Because it'll be so much more fun this way. Do you have any idea what their faces are going to look like when they realise? And lucky us, we have front row seats. I'll bring the popcorn, you bring the camera. 

DAPHNE 

You're evil. 

NILES RAISES ONE EYEBROW AND TRIES TO LOOK MYSTERIOUS 

NILES 

I told you I have a dark side. 

DAPHNE 

Yes I know Darth, but only you see it when you hyperventilate and pass out. You see the dark side seconds before your head hits the floor. 

DAPHNE TURNS OFF THE LAMP AND LIES BACK DOWN AS NILES REMAINS SITTING 

NILES 

Suddenly I'm feeling quite alert you know. 

DAPHNE 

Are you now? That's nice. 

NILES 

What to do, to occupy me? 

DAPHNE 

I have an idea... 

NILES LEANS IN TO KISS HER 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

...go and finish the washing up. 

NILES SITS BACK UP 

NILES 

I'm not that alert. Where were we before the phone rang? 

DAPHNE 

Sleeping. You always have the best ideas. 

NILES 

(HOPEFUL) I hit my elbow as I fell out of bed. 

DAPHNE SITS BACK UP AND LOOKS AT HIM 

DAPHNE 

My God non-stop sexual pestering. Don't you ever want to sit at home with a box of Milk Duds and pick your feet? 

NILES 

Surprising no. 

DAPHNE 

And for that I'm grateful. 

SHE GOES TO KISS HIM BUT STOPS SUDDENLY 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I'm sorry I have to do this. 

DAPHNE THEN FLATTENS HIS HAIR DOWN AS IT WAS STICKING UP WILDLY 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

That's better. 

AS SHE KISSES HIM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Niles, Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS DAPHNE ANSWERS THE DOOR. NILES ENTERS WITH HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK 

NILES 

Guess what I've got in my hand. 

MARTIN 

Isn't this a game you should play in private? I heard about that ball cock incident. I'll never sit on a toilet in the same way again. 

DAPHNE 

That makes two of us. I don't know, a French candlesnuffer? 

MARTIN 

This is a conversation for private. 

NILES 

Plane tickets. 

HE PRODUCES THE TICKETS FROM BEHIND HIS BACK 

DAPHNE 

They came? 

NILES 

They did. I picked them up this morning. 

THEY HUG AS A BIG SMILES CREEPS ACROSS MARTIN'S FACE 

MARTIN 

This is great. 

NILES 

Thanks Dad we're pretty excited too. 

MARTIN 

I meant Nurse Ratched isn't going to be here to torture me. 

DAPHNE 

Which means I'll have to get it all out of my system before we go, to keep me going through the weeks of abstinence. And when I get back I'll have to work out all my built up frustration on your hip. 

MARTIN 

Are you sure you never used to work for Hitler? 

DAPHNE 

Damn, my secret is out. 

MARTIN 

So where are you going? 

NILES 

To Manchester for a week. 

DAPHNE 

And then to the Seychelles for two so we can recover from the week in Manchester. 

MARTIN 

Well good luck Niles because you're sure as hell going to need it. I wouldn't be surprised if Daphne's parents have voodoo dolls made of you. 

DAPHNE 

Not any more they don't. I made them throw them out. 

NILES 

At least that explains those sudden arm spasm's I kept having. (LOOKING AROUND) Is she here yet? 

DAPHNE 

No, not yet. He's been walking around with such a ridiculous grin on his face all day. It's going to be such a shock when he finds out. Should we steal a defibrillator to take with us? I really want to tell him. 

NILES 

You can't do that, we agreed. 

DAPHNE 

No you agreed and then bribed me with sex. 

NILES 

So you get me on a technicality. I didn't hear you complaining. 

DAPHNE 

I didn't say I minded, I was just making a point. 

MARTIN 

What are you two talking about? 

NILES 

I can't really say Dad. 

MARTIN 

Oh come on, I won't tell anyone. If I can keep it secret about where all the drug money is hidden I can keep this a secret as well. 

DAPHNE 

All right old man but keep your lips sealed. You know how Dr. Crane has been going on for weeks about this woman he speaks to on the Internet? 

MARTIN 

The one he's got a thing for? 

NILES 

That's the one. 

DAPHNE 

Well the woman, it's Roz. 

MARTIN 

You're kidding? Do they know? 

NILES 

No neither of them know. They've agreed to meet each other tonight at the top of the Space Needle and they've each asked us along as their backup. 

MARTIN 

Oh my God Frasier and Roz? 

DAPHNE 

It's not such a ridiculous idea. 

MARTIN 

I guess you're right. It's not so ridiculous when you consider that you two are dating. 

NILES 

What does that mean? 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM DRESSED EXTREMELY SMARTLY 

FRASIER 

Oh good Niles you're here. Are you ready for our... (THINKS) boy's night out? 

NILES 

I am. 

MARTIN 

So where are you two going? 

FRASIER 

Erm...just to a restaurant to meet a few people. 

MARTIN 

Oh anyone we might know? 

NILES AND DAPHNE BITE THEIR LIPS TO STOP THEMSELVES FROM LAUGHING 

FRASIER 

I don't think so. 

MARTIN 

You don't sound very sure. 

FRASIER 

Well we might run into someone unexpected. It is a busy place. You never know who you might meet there. 

ALL THREE NOW STRUGGLE TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER AS DAPHNE STRAIGHTENS NILES' TIE 

DAPHNE 

You got that right. Well both of you have a nice time and don't do anything I'm not going to do. 

THEY ALL TRY TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER YET AGAIN AS FRASIER LOOKS ODDLY AT ALL THREE OF THEM BEFORE BECKONING NILES INTO THE KITCHEN. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AS FRASIER BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN 

FRASIER 

So I take it you didn't propose last night. 

NILES 

No, she got locked in the bathroom. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

NILES 

The door handle came off. I had to pass her dinner to her through the keyhole. In the end I put it all in a blender with a bit of water and shoved a straw through there. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear. I imagine it's very hard to consummate a relationship that way as well. And you'd struggle to explain it in the emergency room. 

NILES 

Now I did not bring this one on myself. I did call the German Elvis but I had to, to free her. To be honest though I was a little relieved though when that door wouldn't open because even though I hate to admit it I am petrified that she'll say no. 

FRASIER 

At least you know what the problem is. Now you just have to work through it. But tonight is not about you it's about me. We'll start your therapy tomorrow. How do I look? Handsome? 

NILES 

Why yes you do Frasier. I have the uncontrollable urge to wrap my arms around your neck and hug you. 

FRASIER 

Get off me. I'm already nervous I don't need you adding to it. The realisation is beginning to hit that this woman could be absolutely anyone. It could be the strange woman who gives me extra grocery bags at the checkout. 

NILES 

Yes you might have seen her everyday of your life for all you know Frasier. 

FRASIER 

What after all this build up, we don't get along face to face? 

NILES 

Oh I wouldn't worry about that. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

How do you know that? 

NILES 

You'll get on like a house on fire. Trust me, I'm a bit psychic. 

FRASIER 

You spend too much time with Daphne. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN REMAINS AS BEFORE WITH DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN ANSWERING THE DOOR. ROZ ENTERS ALSO EXTREMELY WELL DRESSED 

ROZ 

Hi everyone. Daphne are you ready? 

DAPHNE 

As I'll ever be. 

MARTIN 

You're all dolled up nice tonight Roz. Meeting anyone special? 

ROZ 

(DEFENSIVELY) No. 

DAPHNE 

(SOTTO) You got that right. 

ROZ 

Pardon. 

DAPHNE 

I said it'll be a lovely night. 

ROZ 

Why would you think that Martin? 

MARTIN 

(LAUGHING) No reason. 

ENTER FRASIER AND NILES. FRASIER AND ROZ FROM NOW ON BOTH SPEAK EXTREMELY DEFENSIVELY AND CAUTIOUSLY, WORRIED THAT EACH OTHER KNOW THEY ARE ABOUT TO MEET A TOTAL STRANGER 

FRASIER 

Oh hello Roz, what are you doing here? 

ROZ 

I'm going to the movies with Daphne. What are you doing here? 

FRASIER 

I live here. 

ROZ 

I thought you two were going on a boy's night out. 

FRASIER 

And we are aren't we Niles? 

NILES 

That's right. Just us boys. No one else. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO NILES) Don't let her find out what I'm doing. 

ROZ 

(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Don't let it slip at this late stage. 

FRASIER 

What movie are you going to see? 

ROZ 

One that's playing. 

FRASIER 

Which one? 

ROZ 

I don't recall the name. Which restaurant are you two going to? 

FRASIER 

A local one. 

ROZ 

Which one? 

FRASIER 

Not one you'd have heard of. 

DAPHNE 

(SOTTO TO ROZ) What are you interrogating him for? 

ROZ 

(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) I want to make sure he doesn't see where we're going. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO NILES) There are no movie theatres by the Space Needle are there? 

NILES 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) I don't believe so Frasier. 

MARTIN 

Since all four of you are going out, why don't you all take the same car? Think of the environment. 

FRASIER 

Oh I don't know about that. 

ROZ 

We're going to different places. 

MARTIN 

Are you really? 

NILES AND DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN TRY TO CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER 

ROZ 

That's right, Frasier didn't want to go, he had plans. 

MARTIN 

Why don't you all meet up later then? 

ROZ AND FRASIER BOTH SHOOT MARTIN DEATH STARES 

DAPHNE 

I suppose we could do that. 

NILES 

I don't see why not. 

FRASIER 

(TO ROZ AND DAPHNE) Yes well we'll see you later then. 

FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL EXIT

MARTIN 

Sooner then you think. 

AS MARTIN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT?' 

FADE IN: 

EXT. OBSERVATION DECK OF THE SPACE NEEDLE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Niles, Man, Tourists) 

ROZ AND DAPHNE STAND TO THE RIGHT OF THE OBSERVATION DECK NEXT TO A MAN WHO SITS ON A BENCH, TO THE LEFT FRASIER AND NILES STAND LOOKING AT THE SEA OF FACES UP THERE OF ALL THE TOURISTS. NONE OF THE IMMEDIATELY SEE EACH OTHER 

DAPHNE 

I hope you don't have any expectations of meeting Cary Grant up here. I have a feeling you may be a little disappointed. 

ROZ 

He's such a nice guy. I don't really care what he looks like. And Cary Grant's been dead for years. If I see him up here someone's been slipping hallucinogenic's into my drinks again. Saying that though I still wouldn't kick him out of my cave. 

DAPHNE 

That makes two of us. Unless Niles insisted. 

ROZ 

But honestly I really don't care what he looks like, with the exception of having a thing on his face. I do have certain standards. 

DAPHNE 

That's good to hear. 

NILES SPOTS ROZ AND DAPHNE DOWN THE OTHER END AND BEGINS TO LAUGH 

FRASIER 

What are you laughing at? Anyone would think you were sitting on a feather. 

NILES 

This is such a fairy tale. And I thought how Daphne and I got together was the most romantic story ever told. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes and it was so romantic the way you completely destroyed two marriages. 

NILES 

(ANNOYED) I'm just so happy for you I can barely contain my bowel movements. 

FRASIER 

And thank you for killing the romantic mood. 

ROZ AND FRASIER SUDDENLY SPOT ONE ANOTHER 

ROZ 

Oh my God. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

THEY BOTH TURN AROUND SO THEY CAN'T SEE EACH OTHER 

DAPHNE 

What is it? 

NILES 

What now? 

ROZ 

Frasier and Niles are standing over there. 

FRASIER 

It's Roz and Daphne. 

FRASIER PULLS HIS COAT UP AND OVER HIS HEAD SO THAT JUST HIS EYES ARE SHOWING. AT THE SAME TIME ROZ GETS DOWN ONTO HER KNEES CRAWLS BEHIND THE MAN SITTING ON THE BENCH, PULLS UP THE BACK OF HIS COAT AND HIDES UNDERNEATH IT. THE MAN IS COMPLETELY GOB SMACKED AND FRIGHTENED BY WHAT IS GOING ON. 

ROZ 

Hide me. Oh like you haven't dreamt of something like this happening buddy. But I am not going to cup any part of your anatomy so don't even think about asking. Just stay still and hide me and I won't be forced to hurt you. I have a pair of tweezers in my bag and I'm not afraid to use them. What is he doing here? He was supposed to be at a restaurant with Niles. 

NILES 

That is by far and away the most convincing disguise I have ever seen Frasier. Still if a pair of glasses concealed Clark Kent's secret identity for all those years, I can't see why an overcoat over your head won't work for you. Just try to keep your underwear on the inside for the sake of the children up here. 

FRASIER 

She's going to mock me to death when she finds out why I'm here. 

DAPHNE 

Roz I have something to tell you. 

NILES 

Frasier I have something highly amusing to tell you. I've nearly burst keeping it secret. 

ROZ 

What is it? Can he still see my ass from there? He says he doesn't look at it when I bend down at the office but he's a guy I know he's lying. He might be able to recognise it. 

FRASIER 

Well come on. Out with it. What do you have to tell me? 

NILES/DAPHNE 

Roz/Dr. Crane is the person you're here to meet. 

ROZ 

That's not funny! 

FRASIER 

You have got to be kidding me. That is by far the cruellest joke you have ever played on me. 

ROZ 

I have to get out of here before he sees me. Hey buddy on the count of three, we're going to get up and leave. 

DAPHNE 

Oh yes and Dr. Crane won't be at all suspicious of the pantomime horseman trying to get into the elevator. 

FRASIER 

How do you know? It might just be a coincidence. 

NILES 

You're both here to meet someone. You both phoned Daphne and I at the same time to ask us to come with you. Face facts Frasier you've been having cyber-sex with Roz. I just hope she hasn't spread any viruses onto your hard drive. 

FRASIER 

Stop it. What am I going to do its Roz? 

NILES 

Yes it's Roz the same woman that you've been telling me repeatedly over the last few weeks how smitten you are with. 

ROZ 

Do you know what this means? 

DAPHNE 

Yes you're dating your boss. 

FRASIER TAKES HIS COAT OFF HIS HEAD AND WALKS OVER TO ROZ AND DAPHNE WITH NILES FOLLOWING 

FRASIER 

Roz I know you're there. Come out and talk to me. 

ROZ 

(WHISPERING) He might be talking to someone else. 

FRASIER 

Roz Doyle. 

ROZ 

(WHISPERING) There may be more then one in the whole of Seattle. 

FRASIER 

The Roz Doyle who is hiding under this rather frightened looking man's raincoat. 

ROZ 

Oh crap. 

ROZ JUMPS OUT FROM THE MAN'S COAT AND WAVES 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Why Frasier, hello, what a surprise, what are you doing here? 

NILES 

Obviously not to spit over the side. 

FRASIER 

I may very well throw you over the side if you don't shut up. 

DAPHNE 

How about we go home? 

NILES 

But I'd rather stay here. It looks as if it'll be more fun. 

DAPHNE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR AND HE BEGINS TO GIGGLE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Why are we still standing here? Where are we going to get a pogo stick from at this time of day? 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT WITH THE FRIGHTENED MAN FOLLOWING 

FRASIER 

Sometimes I think it would benefit the world if we got those two fixed. 

ROZ 

And if we send them in together, we may get a volume discount. 

FRASIER 

What the hell I'll send Dad in as well for the bigger discount. It's just a shame Eddie's already been done. 

A BEAT AS THEY BOTH LOOK OUT OVER THE CITY RATHER THEN AT EACH OTHER 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Are you really Stephano? 

FRASIER 

I am, from the Tempest. Are you really Sunshine? 

ROZ 

Yeah. 

A BEAT 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

This is actually kind of funny. 

FRASIER 

That it is. (PRETENDING) Ha! 

ROZ 

It's a lovely evening isn't it? 

FRASIER 

Yes it is, although not for that gentleman, you seem to have traumatised him for life. Still Niles will be happy, I know he's looking to take on more patients. 

ROZ 

He's not the first he won't be the last. I should carry some of Niles' business cards around with me. 

A BEAT 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Did you know before? 

FRASIER 

No. I take it you didn't either. 

ROZ 

Not at all. You were the last person I thought of. So where do we go from here? 

FRASIER 

We seem to have got ourselves into a real predicament. 

ROZ 

Yes we have. What are the rules for this kind of thing? 

FRASIER 

I have no idea. 

ROZ 

I have one, if you're open to suggestions. 

THEY MOVE IT CLOSE, EXTREMELY AWKWARDLY AND ATTEMPT TO KISS. THEY NERVOUSLY KEEP MOVING POSITIONS BEFORE ANY CONTACT IS ACTUALLY MADE. JUST AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO KISS THEY BOTH SUDDENLY JERK BACK AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Hey you lied to me. 

FRASIER 

When? 

ROZ 

You told me you weighed one hundred and fifty pounds. Not in this century you don't. Did you have one foot on the floor and the other on the scales? 

FRASIER 

I may have told a little lie or two, but in the light of my bathroom that's what the scales said. They may be a little inaccurate. 

ROZ 

It may have been a little more accurate if you weren't standing on them and eating a donut at the same time. That's like running on a treadmill while eating a big piece of chocolate cake. 

FRASIER 

This may come as a surprise but I'm not a Policeman. Anyway you lied to me as well. 

ROZ 

I did not. 

FRASIER 

Yes you did. You told me that you were thirty-five. Did you forget to tell me in what year that was? Or did you intend to glue your breasts up under your chin? 

ROZ 

Oh that's nice. And by the way I did. 

A BEAT 

FRASIER 

Still it's a shame. 

ROZ 

Yeah it is. 

A BEAT 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Well it's getting late. 

FRASIER 

Yes it is and we do have that extra show to do tomorrow. 

ROZ 

And I have to pick up Alice. So I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Bye Roz. 

FRASIER LEANS IN AND KISSES ROZ ON THE CHEEK BEFORE SHE TURNS AND EXITS. AS FRASIER LOOKS OUT OVER THE CITY HE SIGHS AND PONDERS WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES AND DAPHNE ARE ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN HIS CELL PHONE STARTS TO RING AGAIN. THEY BOTH AGAIN WAKE WITH A START. DAPHNE ROLLS OVER AND PUSHES NILES OUT OF BED TO FIND IT AND STOP IT FROM RINGING. HE EVENTUALLY ROLLS OUT OF BED VERY RELUCTANTLY AND PICKS UP HIS TROUSERS AND FISHES OUT HIS CELL PHONE. HE THEN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND DROPS HIS CELL PHONE DOWN THE TOILET BEFORE FLUSHING IT. ON HIS WAY BACK TO BED DAPHNE LIFTS UP HER HAND AND GIVES HIM THE HIGH FIVE BEFORE HE CRAWLS BACK INTO BED. 


	24. Episode TwentyFour

_And finally I reach the season finale! Brace yourselves it's a long one. _

_I want to start by thanking everyone who has given me their support over the course of the season. I'm not very good at responding to e-mail's so I'll take this opportunity. Special thanks to everyone who sent me feedback: My one and only bad boy Crofty, Charlotte Etchells, Elaine Gretchell, Daniela Grech, Marissa (the number one pest in the world), Beryl Marsh, Tim Shaw, Chep, Danielle, Sarah, Sally, Theresa Muir, Joyce Hackney, Susie Tobin, Laura Brown, Erin Christine, Silva, Eve, Becky, Mumbles125, Mindy Negron, La Chanse, Kate (Niles the pot plant), Lydia Gardner, CJ, Meredith, BarretM82A1, Marita Linde, Joy, Heather Davidson, Woolf, Diana Earle, Laura A, Dulcey, Buffy3335, Stargirl, Debs, Kelly, Mystical1735, Gillian Earthy, Daphne441, Olli Ritvanen, Casey, Megan Taxler, Norah Molina, Dan, Violet, Elizabeth, Misti Badgett. _

_I've wanted to write this one since March when I first came up with the idea. As always I will be extremely grateful for all feedback received so send it to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com and gain free entry into a competition to have the entire cast of Frasier come to your house and perform an episode of your choice (Note. Prize may not actually be real). _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Eight Episode Twenty-Four   
Every Girl Should Be Married 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEES WHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION 

FRASIER 

So anyway after they eventually managed to put out the fire, I could detect that she wasn't particularly interested in a second date. The fact that she flinched and backed away every time I came near her tipped me off. That and she was still smouldering and I don't think that was from the fire. 

NILES 

Are you surprised? You set fire to her hair. She'd be terrified about what you were going to do next if that was an indication of a growing love for her. What would you do if you didn't like her? Mace her and remove her kidney's with an ice-cream scoop? 

FRASIER 

It wasn't technically her hair. It was a wig after all. Mind you as soon as I discovered that it was a wig I wasn't particularly interested in that seconded date either. Fair enough, a bad comb over is just about acceptable when it's your own hair but when it's a wig and on a woman, there's a kisser you don't want to touch with a ten-foot pole. 

NILES 

Did that effectively get you banned from Chez Henry? 

FRASIER 

I hope not. I may begin to have severe withdrawals and develop the shakes if I don't get a regular intake of his Lobster Comfit. It's more additive then an illegal drug. And it wasn't my fault anyway. If she hadn't sprayed that much aerosol spray on it in the first place, none of this would have happened. That head was ready to combust at the drop of a hat. But at the same time that spray made her head so hard she could break one of those blocks with it that they use when giving a karate demonstration. She nearly knocked me out when we banged heads as we awkwardly kissed each other hello. I'm surprised I don't have concussion or some internal bleeding. 

NILES 

You're never one to over react. I guess that means that you'll be in tonight? 

FRASIER 

No I won't, I told you I'd make myself scarce and I will be true to my word. 

NILES 

I have to apologise once again for driving you from your home like this, but after that tiny explosion in my kitchen I don't have any alternative. 

FRASIER 

Tiny explosion? It was a four-alarm fire. They not only had to evacuate everyone from your building, but everyone on the block. For heavens sake they were broadcasting hourly updates from the scene on CNN for two days. 

NILES 

That's a slight exaggeration. It was one day and the Larry King special and you know it. 

FRASIER 

What did you do to it anyway? 

NILES 

It wasn't me it was Daphne. She went at the oven with a hammer because... 

FRASIER 

Wait what are you doing with a hammer in your apartment? What's next a pair of jeans and a hat made from beer cans? It won't be long before you've got your hand down your trousers while belching the alphabet to entertain Dad and his buddy's during a Monster Truck Rally. 

NILES 

That's hardly likely. Daphne carries one around in her purse. 

FRASIER 

For any particular reason? Or is it another thing about her that we choose to find charming rather then alarming and you choose to find a turn on? 

NILES 

She has it in case we ever get attacked on the street. You know how dangerous it's getting out there what with gang violence and mopeds coming at you from all angles. She wanted something to protect us since Dad advised against getting a gun and I... 

FRASIER 

Have all the fighting ability of a narcoleptic fruit fly? 

NILES 

No I was going to say and I have these damn week calves. 

FRASIER 

I see. Well anyway back to your story. 

NILES 

As I was saying she went at it with a hammer because she thought the temperature gage was off as it keeps sending everything she cooks in there to the depths of hell. 

FRASIER 

Niles is all fairness, not even the Pope himself could prevent Daphne's cooking from suffering that fate. You'd have to boil it in Holy Water and get every exorcist in the Washington State area to work their magic on it. Either way I wouldn't get my hopes up. 

NILES 

I appreciate your clearing out anyway Frasier because I've decided that tonight is the night. 

FRASIER 

(CONFUSED) For what? 

NILES 

(SARCASTICALLY) To creosote the fence, what do you think I mean? 

FRASIER 

Firstly I'd like to know how you know anything about creosoting fences. 

NILES 

Dad was watching a DIY show the other day on cable. I'm going to... well you know. 

FRASIER 

No I don't. 

NILES 

(TRYING TO POINT HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION) What I've been trying to do for the last few weeks. 

FRASIER 

Find pants to compliment those new wing tips? Good luck. I'd recommend giving them to a church bizarre but I wouldn't want you to inflict them on anyone else. 

NILES LOOKS AROUND HIM BEFORE HE SPEAKS 

NILES 

(QUIETLY) No, good God man, I'm going to propose to Daphne. 

FRASIER 

Oh well why didn't you just say so? 

NILES 

Someone may have been listening. 

FRASIER 

Who? This is not Russia. The walls don't have ears. There's no KGB lurking in the corner. 

NILES 

I've kept this quiet so long I don't want her to find out about it now, before I have the chance to pop the question. 

FRASIER 

Yes and if all goes right it won't be the only thing you'll be popping tonight. 

NILES 

You spend way too much time with Roz. 

FRASIER 

Well congratulations anyway Niles. 

NILES 

Thankyou. I think I've finally overcome my fear of rejection. I'm still petrified that she'll say no to point of soiling myself but the night sweats, vomiting and black outs are only happening every other day now. So I think that's a good sign that I'm ready to face my fear and ask her. 

FRASIER 

(RATHER TAKEN ABACK) Well...that sounds fine. What man doesn't black out while driving their car on the freeway before they propose? What other sign do you need to prove that you are ready? To actually see her face appear in a tortilla? 

NILES 

Now that you mention it, my bran muffin did share an uncanny resemblance... 

FRASIER 

Stop that sentence right there before I'm forced to have you committed. Anyway its certainly good news to hear, everything will be fine, trust me. 

NILES 

I just want to try to make this evening as special as humanly possible, as after all it was one year ago today. 

FRASIER 

What? That you got married? 

NILES 

I meant that Daphne and I got together but you just had to bring it up didn't you? 

FRASIER 

I'm your brother it's my job to torture you and to point out shocking impulse wingtip purchases. I'm serious burn those shoes. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER, DRINK THEIR COFFEE AND STARE AT NILES' SHOES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND?' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz) 

THE ROOM IS PREPARED FOR A ROMANTIC INTIMATE EVENING, WITH THE TABLE BEAUTIFULLY SET, A ROARING FIRE, CANDLES SCATTERED ABOUT EVERYWHERE AND SI, MI CHIAMANO MIMI PLAYING SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND. NILES FUSSES ABOUT STRAIGHTENING THINGS THAT HE'S ALREADY DONE SEVERAL TIMES AS FRASIER STANDS BY THE KITCHEN AND WATCHES HIM TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN. 

NILES 

Frasier, quick while Daphne's in her bedroom. 

NILES GETS OUT THE RING BOX FROM HIS POCKET, OPENS IT AND GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE IN FRONT OF FRASIER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

How does it look from this angle? 

FRASIER 

Very nice Niles. Although I'm still going to have to say no. Firstly because it's incest, secondly because if medical science did move leaps and bounds think what our children would turn out like and thirdly because I just don't find you attractive. 

NILES GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN 

NILES 

You're just making me more nervous and I don't particularly want to vomit on your shoes. 

FRASIER 

That makes two of us. 

NILES 

Now seriously how does it look? 

FRASIER 

Niles you could give it to her in the belly of a dead fish and she would still say yes although I'd seriously advise against it. 

NILES 

I know but I want to make this as special as possible. I did after all witness her last proposal if you'll remember. This has to be perfect. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM WEARING HIS COAT 

MARTIN 

Right I'm going. Have a good night boys. 

NILES 

Thanks Dad, goodnight. 

MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Have you told Dad? 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM UNNOTICED BY NILES UNTIL THE LAST MOMENT 

NILES 

No. I didn't want to risk it considering how close they are. I thought that there was always a chance that he might let it slip at this late stage to... (SHOUTS) Daphne darling! 

NILES QUICKLY HIDES THE RING BOX BEHIND HIS BACK AND PASSES IT ALONG TO FRASIER WHO SLIPS IT IN HIS POCKET 

DAPHNE 

That was a frightening hello. I was only in my bedroom not setting up a base camp at the South Pole and wrestling Polar Bears with my bare hands. How's dinner coming along? 

NILES 

Perfect. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP A PAIR OF EARRINGS OFF THE ISLAND AND STARTS TO PUT THEM ON 

DAPHNE 

Are you off out now Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

I will be shortly, to leave you two to celebrate in peace. 

DAPHNE 

Well don't rush yourself. This is your place after all. 

FRASIER 

I won't. 

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO HER ROOM AS FRASIER GIVES NILES THE RING BACK 

NILES 

(PUSHING HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR) Ok now get out. 

FRASIER 

Niles I think you need a stiff drink. I'll get the sherry. 

NILES 

What if she says no? 

FRASIER STARTS TO POUR THEM BOTH A DRINK 

FRASIER 

I'd better make that a brandy. She's not going to say no. You're just trying to think up an excuse to back out again. And as much as I love Daphne I don't want her still living here when she's eighty with you popping around once a week for a conjugal visit. You're letting this fear of rejection rule your life. 

NILES 

I am not. It doesn't rule it just dominates and almost smothers. Anyway I happen think a bear and a broken finger are good excuses to chicken out at the last minute due to an overwhelming fear of rejection. 

FRASIER 

But there was no bear. 

NILES 

There could have been a bear, but no the glass is always half empty for you isn't it Mr. Negativity. 

FRASIER HANDS HIM HIS DRINK 

FRASIER 

Here drink this before you hyperventilate. 

NILES KNOCKS THE DRINK BACK IN ONE AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO SPEAK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

It's actually a nice little brandy to sit and savour when you feel a little... (NOTICING NILES' EMPTY GLASS) never mind. I take it your new liver is already on order. 

NILES 

Can I have another? 

NILES PUTS THE GLASS ON THE TABLE AND RATHER HURRIEDLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH FRASIER FOLLOWING 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

IN THE KITCHEN THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS COOKING ON THE STOVE AND IN THE OVEN. NILES ENTERS AND GOES STRAIGHT TO THE FRIDGE AND PULLS OUT TWO DESSERTS AS FRASIER ENTERS. NILES PLACES THE DESSERTS ON THE COUNTER, PULLS OUT THE RING FROM THE BOX AND PLACES IT AROUND THE CHERRY ON ONE OF THE DESSERTS. 

FRASIER 

What are you doing now? 

NILES 

Going ahead with plan B. 

FRASIER 

And that would be what? 

NILES 

I'm going to propose over dessert. If I do it any sooner this dinner will go to waste and with any luck be smeared all over our backsides. 

FRASIER 

I don't need the image. I have to eat off that table. 

NILES 

Point taken. So anyway when I bring it out, the moment she looks down she'll be face to face with the ring. 

FRASIER 

What a novel idea in a sort of idiotic, desperate way. 

NILES 

I think so. 

SFX: DOORBELL

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR TO OPEN IT. ENTER ROZ

FRASIER 

Hi Roz, come on in. 

ROZ 

Hi Frasier. You ready to go? 

FRASIER 

Just a minute. I have to sedate Niles first. 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Hi Roz. Are you two going out together? 

ROZ 

Yeah, Alice is with her Grandmother for the weekend, and Frasier's free since his arson attempt on that woman's head so we're going to the movies. But I'm fully on guard. I've got a fire extinguisher in my purse and 911 on speed dial on my phone. 

FRASIER 

I didn't do it on purpose. I just happened to be making a very good point about Brechtian theatre, and gestured a little too forcefully. That candle should have been nailed to the table in my opinion. If you ask me it was just an accident waiting to happen. So are you going to be all right if I leave you now? You're not going to crawl up into a ball under the piano are you? I haven't cleaned under there for a while. You may get attacked by a few dust bunnies. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM ONCE AGAIN UNSEEN BY NILES 

NILES 

I'll be fine I have done this before you know. 

DAPHNE 

Done what before? Hi Roz. 

NILES 

Got my finger caught in the lemon zester. 

DAPHNE 

Oh are you all right? 

NILES HELPS DAPHNE WITH A NECKLACE THAT SHE HAS BROUGHT OUT WITH HER 

NILES 

I'll be fine. I still have nine working fingers. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM AS NILES AND FRASIER EXIT HURRIEDLY INTO THE KITCHEN. ROZ SEEING THE SPEED IN WHICH THEY MOVE ALSO EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AFTER THEM TO SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES, FRASIER AND ROZ ENTER. NILES OPENS UP THE OVEN DOOR AND BOTH HE AND FRASIER PEER IN AS ROZ NOTICES THE DESSERTS ON THE COUNTER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Do you think this is almost done? 

UNSEEN BY FRASIER AND NILES, ROZ PICKS UP A SPOON AND SCOOPS OFF THE CREAM AND THE CHERRY FROM OFF ONE OF THE DESSERTS AND EATS IT 

FRASIER 

I'd give it another five minutes. 

NILES CLOSES THE OVEN AND THEN SUDDENLY NOTICES WHAT ROZ HAS DONE 

NILES 

Roz what are you doing? 

ROZ 

I'm sorry, here let me replace it. 

ROZ GOES TO GET SOME MORE CREAM FROM THE FRIDGE 

NILES 

Where's the ring? 

ROZ 

Where's what ring? 

NILES 

Daphne's engagement ring, it was on top of the cream. 

ROZ 

(THRILLED) You're getting engaged? Oh congratulations. 

NILES 

Yes isn't it great, now if you'll kindly regurgitate the ring all will be right with the universe. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. Quick check her mouth. 

FRASIER TAKES HOLD OF ROZ'S ARMS AND HOLDS HER STILL AS NILES USES HIS FINGERS TO PRISE OPEN HER MOUTH AND PEERS INSIDE 

FRASIER 

Be careful Niles. 

NILES 

It's OK it was only a few weeks ago that I had a tetanus shot. And I don't think she has rabies. 

ROZ 

Get off me. 

NILES 

No, it might have got stuck on a tooth. Dear God when's the last time you flossed? 

FRASIER 

Niles, focus. 

NILES 

I can't see. I need some sort of flare. Oh you won't feel a thing, don't worry. All you'll see is a bright light, just walk towards it and don't look back. 

FRASIER PASSES HIM A FIRE LIGHTER 

FRASIER 

Here use this. 

ROZ TRIES TO SHAKE HER HEAD AT THE SIGHT OF THE FIRE LIGHTER 

NILES 

Oh calm down you won't combust. Unless of course you've been gargling with lighter fluid again. 

NILES FINALLY GIVES UP AND BOTH HE AND FRASIER LET ROZ GO 

ROZ 

(HOLDING HER THROAT) I ate a ring? 

NILES 

No, not just a ring. You've just eaten a twenty-five thousand dollar diamond engagement ring. 

FRASIER 

(GOB SMACKED) You spent twenty-five thousand dollars on it? 

NILES 

I told you it was expensive. 

FRASIER 

But you didn't tell me you could have either bought that ring or stopped third world hunger. We need to have a discussion about your priorities. 

ROZ 

(BEGINNING TO PANIC) Oh my God 

NILES 

Yes suddenly for the first time in your life you don't feel so cheep do you Roz. 

ROZ 

Don't take this out on me. 

NILES 

What else do you expect me to do? You ate it. 

ROZ 

Well how was I to know, what on earth possessed you to put an engagement ring on food? 

NILES 

I was trying to be romantic. 

ROZ 

Oh yes very romantic, not many people would think of giving their fiancée an engagement tracheotomy. 

FRASIER 

There is no use fighting, Niles you can still propose, you'll just have to explain the situation. 

NILES 

Good idea but I think when I try to wrap Roz around her finger it may break it. Here, let me see if I can hear it. 

NILES GETS ON HIS KNEES AND PRESSES HIS EAR UP AGAINST ROZ'S STOMACH AS DAPHNE ENTERS AND STUMBLES ACROSS THE SCENE. EVERYONE FREEZES WHEN SHE WALKS IN UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY 

DAPHNE 

What are you doing? 

NILES 

Have you ever noticed how cuddly Roz is? 

FRASIER 

Oh yes you're right. 

FRASIER COMES UP BEHIND ROZ AND HUGS HER AS THEY ALL START TO SWAY BACK AND FORTH IN A BIZARRE LOOKING GROUP HUG 

DAPHNE 

You two have been at the sherry again haven't you? 

DAPHNE PUTS SOME BREAD ROLLS IN THE OVEN BEFORE SHE EXITS AS THE OTHER THREE CONTINUE TO HUG. THE MOMENT DAPHNE IS OUT OF THE ROOM THEY BREAK. 

NILES 

Right that's it I want that ring back. 

NILES GETS A LADLE FROM OFF THE ISLAND AND LUNGES AT ROZ'S STOMACH, BUT SHE IS PROTECTED BY FRASIER WHO STANDS BETWEEN THEM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Get out of the way Frasier. I'm not frightening to ladle you as well. Your pancreas will be flying across the room before you can even say the word 'pademelon'. 

ROZ 

Why would he even say that in this current situation? 

NILES 

Well how am I supposed to know how his brain works? I don't often give cat scans as Christmas presents since I divorced Maris. 

FRASIER 

I'll let you in on a secret my brain works significantly better then the brain of the village idiot who would normally say 'pademelon' in this situation. The trick to telling the difference is that village idiots don't wear Armani and instead spend their time chewing straw and falling backwards off fences. 

NILES 

Oh fine then before you can say the word 'ring'. The point is if you don't get out of the way your pancreas will be flying across the room before you have a chance to say anything. Whether the word makes sense in this current situation or not. 

FRASIER 

Will you calm down! This isn't going to solve anything. 

NILES 

This was supposed to be the most wonderful evening of my life, and now it's ruined because you can't keep your hands to yourself. 

NILES LUNGES TOWARDS ROZ AGAIN BUT AGAIN SHE IS PROTECTED BY FRASIER STANDING BETWEEN THEM 

ROZ 

Here use this ring pull instead. She might not notice the difference if you keep the lights down low. 

NILES LOOSES ALL CONTROL AND MAKES ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO LADLE ROZ WITH FRASIER STILL PROTECTING HER 

FRASIER 

Niles put the ladle on the floor now. OK, that's right. Now just kick it over here to me. 

NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY PUTS THE LADLE ON THE FLOOR AND KICKS IT OVER TO FRASIER 

NILES 

Fine take the ladle, I'll see what success I have with a whisk. 

NILES GRABS A WHISK FROM OFF THE COUNTER AND ONCE AGAIN LUNGES TOWARDS ROZ'S STOMACH BEFORE FRASIER TAKES IT OFF HIM 

FRASIER 

Niles stop it. Now this is just a delay. I'll take Roz to the emergency room, they'll give her a stomach pump, you'll have your ring back tonight, crisis averted. 

ROZ 

There's no way that I'm ever having something that big rammed down my throat. 

FRASIER 

Since when? 

NILES 

OK but I'm going too. 

FRASIER 

There's no need. 

NILES 

She has twenty-five thousand dollars inside her. Do you honestly think I'm not going to go? 

FRASIER 

Oh all right fine, let's go. 

FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ ALL EXIT FROM THE KITCHEN WITH NILES DRAGGING ROZ BY HER ELBOW 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

AS NILES AND FRASIER GET THEIR COATS AND ROZ PICKS UP HER PURSE FROM THE TABLE BY THE DOOR DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Niles where are you going? 

NILES 

I just have to nip out for a while with Roz and Frasier. I shouldn't be more than a couple of hours. Love you. 

FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ START TO EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

But what about... 

THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS SHUT AS DAPHNE IS LEFT ALONE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

...dinner? 

AS DAPHNE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND STARES AT THE EMPTY APARTMENT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM CUBICLE — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Niles, Roz, Frasier, Doctor) 

ROZ SITS ON THE BED IN THE CUBICLE WEARING ONE OF THE HOSPITAL GOWNS AS FRASIER SITS IN THE CORNER AND NILES PACES ABOUT THE ROOM FRANTICALLY 

NILES 

This is ridiculous. What is taking that doctor so long? All we wanted to know is where it is and what they can do about it, not a full appraisal of the ring. You haven't eaten any other jewellery today, that he'll get it confused with have you? 

ROZ 

Surprisingly no I haven't, I didn't want to chip a tooth. 

NILES 

We could start to hire you out as some sort of security box for the extremely paranoid. 

FRASIER 

Niles will you calm down. I know we're in the emergency room, but you don't have to hyperventilate, pass out and crack your head open to celebrate that fact. 

NILES 

This was supposed to be the most magical night of my life. I'd have done it by now. I should be engaged. I should be having sex right now. 

ROZ 

No one's stopping you. There's a cup and a rubber glove outside on the nurse's station if you're that desperate. I promise I won't look. 

NILES 

But no, instead of having the heavenly scent of cherry bark and almond intoxicating me and sending me to heaven I have the smell of a former patients unfortunately timed bowel movement wafting up my nose and making me feel nauseous. 

ROZ 

Oh big deal, so you have to spend the next what? Three minutes here instead, and I'm being very generous there. It won't kill you. And anyway I'm the one forced to sit on the stain, it's an even stronger smell from here. 

FRASIER 

It's starting to make my eye's water. 

NILES 

This is a nightmare. 

ROZ 

Get a grip. I'm the one who ate a ring. I'm the one who could die at any moment. 

NILES 

Some how I don't think I'm that lucky. 

FRASIER 

Oh you are not going to die. Taking into consideration how much that ring cost I doubt very much that the gold paint will wear off and release a procession of toxins into your blood stream. But just to be on the safe side, are all your affairs in order? 

NILES 

I'm sure they are. Her affairs are all in order according to how long it lasted, whether she sustained any carpet burn during the act and if they bought her dinner. 

ROZ 

Hey. Every one of them has bought me dinner I'll have you know. 

FRASIER 

I meant her financial affairs Niles. 

ROZ 

Oh great between the pair of you, you make me sound like a hooker. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry I'm only trying to help. 

ROZ 

By telling me that I might die because of this? 

THE DOCTOR ENTERS CARRYING AN EX-RAY 

DOCTOR 

And I'm back. 

NILES 

You'll forgive us if we don't applaud. 

DOCTOR 

And how are we all doing? 

ROZ 

Just fine. I love these gowns, I don't have my ass hanging out and blowing in the breeze in public nearly enough as I should do. 

FRASIER 

As you'll notice we're experiencing a Prozac shortage. 

NILES 

And that she's never had an etiquette lesson. 

THE DOCTOR PINS UP THE EX-RAY FOR ALL TO SEE AND THE RING CAN QUITE CLEARLY BE SEEN 

DOCTOR 

Well I have your x-ray back and everything seems to be fine. 

ROZ 

Except I'll have a parade of people squinting like Popeye holding a shot glass trying to appraise my stomach. 

DOCTOR 

The ring does not appear to be lodged anywhere so we see no need to surgically remove it. 

NILES 

So what, you're just going to ram your arm down her throat and pull it out? I don't want a piece of trachea snagged on that diamond. 

DOCTOR 

And you went to medical school you say? I've consulted with another doctor on call tonight and we see no need to offer any assistance to the ring on its journey. 

NILES 

On its journey? It's somewhere in her digestive system not making its annual pilgrimage to the Holy Land. 

DOCTOR 

We suggest that you just wait for it come out naturally. 

NILES 

Then there'll be no need for me to wrap it up in pretty paper it'll already be handsomely presented when I get it back. 

DOCTOR 

May I suggest that you boil it before giving it to your fiancée? 

FRASIER 

Thanks for the tip. 

NILES 

Boil it? I'll run it through the dry cleaners and the dishwasher. 

DOCTOR 

Well good luck. 

THE DOCTOR GOES TO LEAVE 

ROZ 

Wait that's it? 

DOCTOR 

Unless you've swallowed anything else while I was out of the room, yes. Just be patient and let nature take its course. 

NILES 

Can't you give her anything? 

DOCTOR 

I'm sorry no, now if you'll excuse me, I have to deal with Mrs. Alderwick in the next cubicle who accidentally used super glue instead of denture adhesive on her false teeth. I'm not even going to ask why she stuck them to her breast; all I know is that it's got something to do with a pogo stick, space boots and a wombat. 

THE DOCTOR EXITS

NILES 

I told you we should have taken her to one of those back alley surgeons. We'd have had it back within three minutes and they'd have stitched her back up for free. 

FRASIER 

I know but there was always a chance that they'd remove one of her vital organs to sell as well while she was unconscious. And they don't use a general anaesthetic. They just bash you around the head with a breezeblock from a construction site. You then have to go to the hospital to stop the internal cranial bleed. So in the end what's the point? 

ROZ 

Would you boys mind stepping outside so I can get dressed? 

FRASIER 

Not at all. You've flashed us enough for one day. Now we can both join the 'I've seen Roz's behind club'. I hope they have room for us at that sports stadium they normally meet at. 

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT FROM THE CUBICLE AS ROZ THROWS HER SHOE AT THEM 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND PULL THE CURTAIN SHUT BEHIND THEM 

NILES 

What do we do? I want that ring, I can't wait much longer or I'll back out again. 

FRASIER 

What do you suggest? 

NILES 

Can't we help it on the way? 

FRASIER 

And how do you suggest we do that? Poke it through her lower intestine with a very long flexible stick? Or how about an extremely powerful enema with a vacuum cleaner hose? Either way neither of us are strong enough to hold her down to do it. 

NILES 

We'll just give her a bottle of laxatives. 

FRASIER 

She'll never do that. But if she doesn't know it might work. We could get some of that laxative chocolate. What's it called? Ex-Lax, that's it. She'll ram that down her neck and beg for more. And if we give her enough you'll have it back in a few hours. 

NILES 

Frasier you are a genius. 

FRASIER 

I know but I don't like to make a big deal about it. 

NILES 

Since when? 

ROZ ENTERS FROM THE CUBICLE FULLY DRESSED 

ROZ 

OK I'm going home. 

NILES 

That's right home with me. 

ROZ 

Why? 

NILES 

I am not going to let you out of my sight while you have twenty-five thousand dollars inside you. I'm going to go everywhere with you until I get that ring back. You'll need constant supervision. When it does finally enter the world again I don't want it disappearing down the toilet and ending up as a toe ring for a rat. From now on everywhere that you go, I go. 

NILES EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR AS ROZ AND FRASIER STARE AFTER HIM 

ROZ 

Oh joy, what fun. Kill me kill me now. 

AS ROZ TRIES TO ESCAPE DOWN THE OPPOSITE END OF THE CORRIDOR TO NILES, FRASIER PUSHES HER IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'WILLY WONKA AND THE LAXATIVE CHOCOLATE FACTORY' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Eddie) 

FRASIER ANSWERS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES AND ROZ ENTER BOTH LOOKING EXTREMELY TIRED AND GROUCHY 

FRASIER 

Good morning children. And how was your sleep over? Did you toast marshmallows, tell each other ghost stories and have a pillow fight? Or did you just paint your toenails and confess which boy from class you'd most like to kiss behind the bike shed? 

ROZ 

It was a nightmare. In fact nightmares aspire to this night. 

NILES 

At least you got some sleep. You see Roz has a tendency to talk in her sleep. Actually talk is an understatement. Letting out uncontrollable blood curdling screams would be more appropriate. Between that and the neighbours pounding on the wall yelling 'what the hell are you doing to her Crane you pervert?' I didn't get much sleep. 

ROZ 

That was still no reason to sit and watch me all night. You really gave me the creeps hovering over me like a vulture waiting to peck my eyes out. I wasn't going to pass the ring in the night, sneak out, sell it and live the high life in Rio you know. 

NILES 

I knew you were plotting something. 

FRASIER 

I'll get you both a coffee. Niles come and help me. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Roz sit and don't move. 

ROZ 

The lack of trust on your part just startles me. 

NILES 

Good then maybe it'll startle the ring out of you. 

ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AS NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS A SMALL PLATE OF CHOCOLATE OUT OF THE FRIDGE AS NILES ENTERS

FRASIER 

I got it, now all we have to do is get her to eat it. 

NILES TAKES THE PLATE OFF FRASIER AND EXAMINES THE CHOCOLATE 

NILES 

That's actually a laxative? It looks so nice. 

FRASIER 

Well don't try any because the end result won't be. 

NILES 

I still can't believe this is happening. Why does God have such a grudge against me? (LOOKING UP AT THE HEAVENS) It was my parent's fault not mine that I didn't attend Sunday school. I'd have driven myself if I were tall enough to have reached the pedals and been able to see above the steering wheel. 

FRASIER 

Niles calm down it's just a couple of day's delay. 

NILES 

It's making me all the more nervous. I'd finally got to the stage where I would be able to ask her and not cringe as I think she'll say no. But I'm more terrified now then ever. Last night because I couldn't sleep I just stuffed myself with junk food. 

FRASIER BEGINS TO LAUGH TO HIMSELF 

NILES (CONT'D) 

It's not funny. 

FRASIER 

Sorry I just remember Daphne telling me the same thing before you got married to Mel. 

NILES 

And you manage to bring it up again. 

NILES ONCE AGAIN WANTING TO HELP HIS NERVES WITH JUNK FOOD PICKS A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE OFF THE PLATE THAT HE'S STILL HOLDING AND TAKES A BITE FROM IT 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Niles don't eat that! 

FRASIER, ALONG WITH THE REALISATION OF WHAT HE IS EATING, STARTLES NILES AND CAUSES HIM TO JUMP AND DROP THE PLATE AND THE CHOCOLATE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. NILES THEN RUSHES TO THE SINK AND SPITS THE CHOCOLATE INTO IT. HE THEN PULLS OPEN THE FRIDGE DOOR AND TAKES OUT A BOTTLE OF WATER. QUICKLY HE UNSCREWS THE CAP AND TAKES A BIG MOUTHFUL OF THE WATER AND BEGINS TO GARGLE WITH IT. AFTER A MOMENT HE SPITS OUT THE WATER IN THE SINK AND BEGINS TO BREATHE EXTREMELY RAPIDLY. THEY BOTH STARE AT THE CHOCOLATE ON THE FLOOR FOR A MOMENT. 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh what the hell she'll pass it straight back out again anyway, what's a bit of dirt going to do? 

THEY BOTH GET ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES AND PICK UP THE CHOCOLATE 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ STILL REMAINS WHERE THEY LEFT HER ON THE COUCH 

ROZ 

Don't eat what? 

FRASIER ENTERS HOLDING THE PLATE OF CHOCOLATE WITH NILES CLOSE BEHIND 

FRASIER 

Eddie's dog food. Niles is a little tired and misread the label on the can. Somehow I don't think he'd like to feast on cow entrails, I don't think it will settle in his temperamental stomach. Although I'm not positive Daphne doesn't use that in some of her stews. 

FRASIER AND NILES OFFER ROZ THE CHOCOLATE IN AN ALMOST IDENTICAL FASHION TO HOW THE WITCH OFFERS SNOW WHITE THE APPLE IN SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz would you like some chocolate? 

ROZ 

No thanks. 

FRASIER 

(PRACTICALLY HOLDING THE PLATE UNDER HER NOSE) Are you sure, I bought it especially for you? 

ROZ 

No I'm fine, I'm trying to watch my figure. 

FRASIER 

We can watch your figure while you eat the chocolate. 

ROZ 

No thankyou Frasier. 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Eat the damn chocolate! 

ROZ 

Will you stop dictating what I can and cannot eat? 

NILES 

I'd have thought you would be grateful for the advice after your mistaken belief that diamond rings are actually a form of expensive upper class party mix. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM, SHE IS A LITTLE FROSTY TOWARDS THEM ALL IN HER TONE OF VOICE 

DAPHNE 

Oh hello I thought I heard some voices. 

NILES 

Good morning my love. 

FRASIER PUTS THE CHOCOLATE ON THE DINNING TABLE AS NILES KISSES DAPHNE'S CHEEK 

DAPHNE 

Don't you think you owe me an apology? 

NILES 

(COMPLETELY BEWILDERED) Of course as soon as I can think of what to apologise for. I told you I'm working on the wiping down my chair thing. 

DAPHNE 

How about abandoning me last night on our anniversary for starters? 

NILES 

Ahh well I can explain that. 

DAPHNE 

I should hope so. 

NILES 

Well you see... 

DAPHNE PICKS UP A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE OFF THE TABLE AND GOES TO EAT IT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(SHOUTS) Daphne don't eat that! 

DAPHNE 

Why not? 

NILES TAKES THE CHOCOLATE OFF HER AND PUTS IT BACK ON THE PLATE BEFORE TURNING HIS BACK ON DAPHNE AND OFFERING THE CHOCOLATE ONCE AGAIN TO ROZ 

NILES 

Because that's all for Roz. Now come on Roz eat your chocolate. 

ROZ 

I don't want any, how many more times do I have to tell you. 

ROZ PUSHES THE PLATE AWAY AND THEN STANDS UP 

NILES 

Where are you going? 

ROZ 

To the bathroom. 

NILES 

Excuse me one moment Daphne. 

NILES PUTS THE CHOCOLATE BACK DOWN ON THE TABLE AND USHERS ROZ AND FRASIER TO THE TOILET DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(QUIETLY) Frasier you go in there with her. 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) Learn a little trust Niles. 

NILES 

(QUIETLY) You might need some help. 

ROZ 

(QUIETLY) Not for this I don't. There's very little he can do. 

NILES 

(QUIETLY) Go in there anyway. 

ROZ 

(QUIETLY) He is not coming into the bathroom with me. 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) I don't want to see that. 

NILES 

(QUIETLY) Fine use Frasier's bathroom he can wait outside the door. 

ROZ 

I'm beginning to wish they had cut me open and pulled it out. 

FRASIER 

That makes two of us. 

ROZ AND FRASIER EXIT TOWARDS HIS ROOM AS NILES MOVES BACK OVER TO DAPHNE WHO DOESN'T LOOK IMPRESSED 

DAPHNE 

Do you mind telling me what's going on? Do you have any idea how I felt last night when you just ran out? You didn't even have the decency to call me and tell me what was happening. 

NILES 

I know and I'm sorry. 

MARTIN AND EDDIE ENTER FROM HIS ROOM AND START TO LISTEN 

DAPHNE 

That's it? You're sorry. Where did you go? 

NILES 

Erm... To the museum. 

DAPHNE 

At eight o'clock on a Saturday night? 

MARTIN NOTICES THE CHOCOLATE, MOVES TOWARDS IT AND STARTS TO EAT IT WHILE STILL LISTENING TO THEIR CONVERSATION 

NILES 

No I don't mean the museum. What's that word that sounds like museum? Bar. Off to a bar. Just out for a drink. 

DAPHNE 

And it didn't occur to you to ask me? Niles it was our anniversary. We should have been celebrating together. 

NILES 

Well you see... (SHOUTS) Dad!! 

MARTIN 

What? 

NILES 

Where has all the chocolate gone? 

MARTIN 

Oh don't pitch a fit, I'll buy you some more. 

BEFORE MARTIN PUTS THE FINAL PIECE IN HIS MOUTH HE BREAKS IT IN HALF AND GIVES THE REST TO EDDIE 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Frasier! Frasier get in here! 

FRASIER ENTERS RUNNING WITH ROZ STROLLING BEHIND HIM 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? What has been spilled and on what carpeted area? Do you have any idea how much sherry stains? 

NILES 

Dad and Eddie have just eaten all of Roz's chocolate. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! 

MARTIN 

What's the big deal, I'll replace it. And with something that doesn't leave that chalky after taste. You'd think your Gourmet shops would have something a little better then that with the price they charge. 

FRASIER 

But it was for Roz. (SOTTO TO NILES) OK I need to buy him some incontinent underwear. Is there such a thing as a diaper for a dog? 

NILES 

(SOTTO) I hope for your sake there is. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO) Well they make it for monkeys. 

NILES 

(SOTTO) Fine, now all you have to do is go to the Animal Diaper Super Store. I believe there's one in the Tacoma Mall, located right next to the food hall and Burt's World Of Birthday Barnacles. 

ROZ 

It doesn't matter Martin I didn't want any anyway. Right I'm going. 

NILES 

Where to? 

ROZ 

I have an aerobics class this morning. 

NILES 

OK let's go. 

THEY BOTH MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Why are you going? 

NILES 

Erm... 

FRASIER 

(QUICKLY) Roz and Niles are having a bonding day. 

NILES 

That's right we're doing everything together today. Except picking up men obviously. Roz is going to go cold turkey today. But I've got a picture of a naked man in my pocket in case she starts to suffer from severe withdrawals and starts to twitch and lash out. 

DAPHNE 

So you're both going to squeeze into a spandex leotard and gig about until you've worked up a sweat? 

MARTIN 

Oh God. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

NILES 

Is it your stomach? 

MARTIN 

No I just got an image of Niles doing that. 

MARTIN EXITS BACK TO HIS ROOM 

NILES 

Come on Roz let's go. Bye guys. 

NILES QUICKLY KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE HE AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Niles and Roz are having a bonding day? 

FRASIER 

That's right. They've really become a lot closer of late. 

FRASIER PICKS UP THE PLATE OFF THE TABLE AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

I've started to notice that. 

AS DAPHNE SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND STARES BACK AT THE DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Roz, Eddie) 

MARTIN LIES IN BED LOOKING EXTREMELY ILL WITH EDDIE ASLEEP BY HIS FEET AND FRASIER SITTING ON THE EDGE OF HIS BED 

MARTIN 

I'm dying I know I am. You'll come back in later and find me decomposing with the neighbours banging on the wall complaining about the smell. You won't be able to check if I'm alive because the stench will be so bad it'll make you faint. 

FRASIER 

Oh you are not dying. The miserable one's always out live everyone else. 

MARTIN 

In that case you'll out live used diapers. Eddie's got it as well. Bury us side by side won't you? 

FRASIER 

Of course and I'll play the theme tunes from the 'Police Academy' movies and 'All Dog's Go To Heaven' as the casket's disappear behind the curtain and everyone bows their heads. 

MARTIN 

Hey I don't want to be cremated. 

FRASIER 

You'll be dead you won't have much choice. I'll even serve hot dogs at the wake. It'll be my idea of funeral edible irony. 

MARTIN 

How can I catch something this bad off a dog? He's not a dirty animal. 

FRASIER 

Are you forgetting that this is the same dog that licks the toilet seat if he's not drinking from it and has a habit of bringing home dead insects from the park? 

MARTIN 

I feel as sick as a dog. 

FRASIER 

Exactly. You've caught some sort of dysentery off Eddie. Is there a clearer indication that you should dispose of the little dog before he gives you anything fatal? Preferably dispose of him over the side of the balcony? That look in your eye suggests no. Or do you need to use the bathroom again? 

SUDDENLY EDDIE JUMPS OFF THE BED, PICKS UP HIS LEAD IN HIS MOUTH AND STARTS TO RUN ABOUT THE ROOM 

MARTIN 

Quick Eddie's got his lead. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear God again? How much more could you possibly have left in you? You don't eat much you have a tiny stomach. Can't we stop it some how? 

MARTIN 

What do you suggest? Inserting a cork? 

FRASIER 

Well we could, I'm sure his system won't backfire that much. 

MARTIN 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

It's not as if he'll explode. 

MARTIN 

Frasier! 

FRASIER 

Fine no cork. It might fly out anyway and smash something antique and extremely valuable. 

MARTIN 

Just take him will you Frasier. 

FRASIER PUTS THE LEAD ON EDDIE'S COLLAR 

FRASIER 

Haven't you ever encouraged him to use the toilet? 

MARTIN 

Encouraging people never turns out the way you think it will. I found that out the hard way. 

FRASIER 

What happened? 

MARTIN 

I encouraged you to speak. Boy has that decision blown up in my face. 

FRASIER 

Do you want me to take the little dog or not? 

MARTIN 

It's up to you, but remember it's your carpet he'll be soiling. 

FRASIER 

Come on young Edward. 

FRASIER AND EDDIE EXIT INTO THE HALL 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR STARING OFF INTO SPACE WHEN FRASIER AND EDDIE ENTER AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Oh good Dr. Crane, I need to talk to you. 

FRASIER 

Can't it wait Daphne I'm kind of busy right now? 

DAPHNE 

Not really. It's about Niles. I really need to talk to someone please. 

FRASIER LEAVES EDDIE BY THE DOOR AND SITS ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR 

FRASIER 

All right Daph what is it? 

DAPHNE 

I know it seems silly but I'm worried about Niles and... 

DAPHNE IS INTERRUPTED BY EDDIE WHO STARTS TO CRY AND SCRATCH THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Daphne I really have to take him. 

FRASIER PICKS UP EDDIE'S LEAD AND THEY BOTH EXIT. DAPHNE CONTINUES TO SIT AND STARE INTO SPACE FOR A MOMENT. AFTER A MOMENT SHE GETS UP, PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 

DAPHNE 

(ON PHONE) Hello Mrs. Woodson. It's Daphne can I speak to Niles please. Thankyou. (A BEAT) Hello Niles. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES SITS BEHIND HIS DESK IN FRONT OF A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK HOLDING THE PHONE WITH ROZ STRETCHED OUT ON HIS COUCH READING A MAGAZINE 

NILES 

Daphne? This is a surprise. (COVERING UP THE MOUTHPIECE AND WHISPERING) It's Daphne. 

ROZ 

I gathered that. I managed to crack your cryptic code. Never work for military intelligence, the enemy will see right through you. 

NILES 

(STILL COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) Be quiet, if she knows you're here, she'll think something is going on. 

ROZ 

Something is going on. 

NILES 

(COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) I know but I don't want her to know that. (ON PHONE) Daphne honey, what can I do for you? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS 

DAPHNE REMAINS AS BEFORE STANDING BY THE ISLAND 

DAPHNE 

I still want to talk about what happened last night. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

I know and I'm sorry. I will make it up to you I promise. Starting by going out for an anniversary dinner. We can go wherever you like. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

A SMALL SMILE SLOWLY BEGINS TO APPEAR ACROSS DAPHNE'S FACE 

DAPHNE 

OK how about Au Pied du Cochon? 

NILES 

(OVER THE PHONE) Perfect. 

DAPHNE 

Pick me up about seven? 

NILES 

(OVER THE PHONE) Oh I can't go tonight. 

DAPHNE 

(GETTING ANNOYED AND UPSET) Why not? 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Because I've already made plans with Roz. We were going to go to the...to the...I've forgotten the word...to the... 

ROZ 

(BLURTS OUT) To the zoo. 

NILES 

(IMMEDIATELY) To the zoo. 

ROZ FRANTICALLY WAVES HER ARMS AT NILES TO STOP HIM FROM SAYING THAT 

ROZ 

No don't say that. 

NILES 

(COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE) You may not have noticed but it's too late. And unless you've got a time machine or an ability to make the earth rotate on its axis we're in trouble. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE 

(BEGINNING TO GET EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS) To the zoo? At night? With Roz? Alone? You seem to be spending an awful lot of time with Roz recently. Is there something going on that you're not telling me about? 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

(GUILTILY) No. Of course not. Why would you think that? 

DAPHNE 

(OVER THE PHONE) No reason. 

NILES 

We may be able to go tomorrow night. I promise. Oh by the way I won't have time to drop that suitcase around to you tonight like I promised though. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE 

Because you're too busy with Roz? 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Yes that's right. We have to get food for the petting zoo otherwise the animals tend to chew on your shoelaces. And I don't like anything chewing on my tassels. I'm very sensitive about that. 

ROZ PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS 

ROZ 

You are the worst liar in the history of bad liars. 

NILES SHUSHES HER SO SHE IN TURN THROWS HER MAGAZINE AT HIM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE 

I've got my keys. I'll get it tomorrow morning. 

NILES 

(OVER THE PHONE) OK. Maybe I'll see you then. 

DAPHNE 

All right, bye. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Bye Daphne. 

NILES GOES TO HANG UP THE PHONE BUT DOESN'T QUITE PUT THE RECEIVER DOWN PROPERLY CAUSING THE LINE TO STILL BE OPEN AND RESULTING IN DAPHNE BEING ABLE TO STILL HEAR EVERYTHING 

NILES (CONT'D) 

That's a close one she's starting to get suspicious. I don't know how much longer we can keep this secret. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STILL STANDS HOLDING THE PHONE TO HER EAR GETTING MORE AND MORE UPSET THE MORE SHE HEARS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(OVER THE PHONE) It can't continue for much longer. 

ROZ 

(OVER THE PHONE) Niles will you keep your hands off me! 

NILES 

(OVER THE PHONE) I don't care I want it now. I can't wait any longer. It's on my mind twenty-four hours a day. I can't concentrate, it's all I think about. Do you have any idea how desperate I am to have it right now? 

ROZ 

(OVER THE PHONE) I'm beginning to. 

DAPHNE THEN HANGS UP THE PHONE, SLAMMING IT DOWN, NOT WANTING TO HEAR ANYMORE AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. MONTANA ELEVATOR — MORNING — DAY/3   
(Daphne, Man, Roz, Niles) 

DAPHNE STANDS IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP ALONG WITH ANOTHER MAN. DAPHNE SPEAKS ON THE PHONE AND THE MAN CAN'T HELP BUT LISTEN 

DAPHNE 

(ON THE PHONE) I'll pop into the pharmacy on the way home. But I'm not sure what else they can give you, other then something for that diaper rash. You could have fooled me. It looks like diaper rash to me. I'm your health care worker people expect me to know things like that. Oh what's your problem I won't tell anyone at McGinty's? Or down at the station. Or anyone for that matter. (COVERING THE MOUTH PIECE AND TALKING TO THE MAN) Are you good at keeping secrets? 

MAN 

My lips are sealed 

DAPHNE 

(ON THE PHONE) They're not going to want to hear about your bowel movements. If I don't they sure as hell aren't going to want to. I'm here now, so I'll see you later. I told you, I'm using one of Niles' suitcases to take on vacation with me. OK, bye. 

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND DAPHNE EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE NILES' APARTMENT — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS INTO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE NILES' APARTMENT. SHE THEN FISHES IN HER BAG FOR HER KEYS AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND EXITS THROUGH IT 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR. SHE IMMEDIATELY SCANS THE APARTMENT FOR ANY SIGNS OF LIFE, DEEP DOWN HOPING THAT SHE WON'T FIND ROZ THERE. LETTING THE SUSPICION STARTING TO RULE HER ACTIONS SHE SCANS SOME PAPERS THAT NILES HAS LEFT ON THE TABLE FOR ANYTHING INCRIMINATING. SATISFIED THAT IT DOESN'T LOOK AS IF ROZ HAS BEEN THERE DAPHNE DESCENDS THE STAIR CASE AND EXITS UPSTAIRS 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS INTO NILES' BEDROOM AND GOES TO LOOK IN HIS BEDSIDE TABLE DRAWER, BUT STOPS HERSELF BEFORE SHE PULLS IT OPEN 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Daphne Moon stop it. Nothing is going on it's all in your imagination. Just like that time you thought Keith Richards was stalking you. 

SHE THEN CROSSES TO THE DOOR ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM, OPENS IT AND EXITS THROUGH IT 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS INTO NILES' DRESSING ROOM FROM HIS BEDROOM. SHE STANDS FOR A MOMENT AND JUST LOOKS AROUND SHAKING HER HEAD 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

How is it that he can have more pairs of shoes then I've had hot dinners? Still as long as he hasn't taken to wearing women's shoes where's the problem? 

SHE THEN OPENS THE CUPBOARD ON THE END TO THE LEFT THAT OPENS UP TO REVEAL A LOT OF JUNK INCLUDING A COUPLE OF SUITCASES ON THE TOP SHELF JUST OUT OF REACH. DAPHNE CROSSES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM AND PICKS UP A CHAIR AND TAKES IT TO THE CUPBOARD AND STANDS ON IT. SHE HAS A QUICK LOOK INSIDE BEFORE RUNNING HER FINGER ALONG THE SHELF. WHEN SHE PULLS IT AWAY THERE ISN'T A SPECK OF DUST OR DIRT ON IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Anal-retentive clean freak Dr. Niles Crane. But that's why I love you. 

DAPHNE THEN TRIES TO PULL ONE OF THE SUITCASES OFF THE TOP SHELF, BUT NOTICES THAT SEVERAL ITEMS, INCLUDING SMALL BOXES AND SOME STORE BAGS, BLOCK IT IN. SHE MOVES THEM OUT OF THE WAY BY PUSHING THEM INTO AN EMPTY SPACE AT THE END OF THE SHELF, HAVING A QUICK PEEK INSIDE EACH OF THEM BEFORE DOING SO. WHEN THEY HAVE ALL BEEN MOVED SHE PULLS THE FIRST SMALL SUITCASE OUT (ONCE AGAIN NOT COVERED IN EVEN THE SMALLEST SPECK OF DUST) AND PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR. AS SHE GOES TO GET DOWN OFF THE CHAIR SHE NOTICES ANOTHER SMALL BAG THAT WAS HIDDEN BEHIND THE SUITCASE. NOT BEING ABLE TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION SHE PULLS THE BAG OUT AND LOOKS INSIDE IT. SHE THEN SLOWLY SITS DOWN ON THE CHAIR STILL HOLDING THE BAG AND RESTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS. SHE THEN LOOKS INSIDE THE BAG ONCE MORE AND PULLS OUT FROM IT THE DRAGON THAT ROZ GAVE TO NILES AT THE END OF 'VISIONS OF DAPHNE' FOR GETTING ALICE INTO A GOOD PRE-SCHOOL. MOMENTS PASS AS SHE JUST SITS AND LOOKS AT IT AND RECALLS HER VISION BEFORE A TEAR FALLS DOWN HER CHEEK AND A SMILE BEAMS ACROSS HER FACE. 

SFX: FRONT DOOR SLAMMING

DAPHNE IS DISTURBED FROM HER THOUGHTS BY THE NOISE OF THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND ROZ ARE STANDING IN THE LIVING ROOM TAKING OFF THEIR COATS AND PUTTING THEM ON THE FAINTING COUCH 

ROZ 

I still don't see why you couldn't shower at my place. It's perfectly clean you germ freak. There's no acid in the water. If you'll sleep on my couch until you get your ring back surely you can use my shower. 

NILES 

No offence Roz but I've heard stories of what you've done in that shower. I shudder at the thought. No wonder you have so much traction decal on the floor and on the walls and even amazingly on the ceiling. And anyway I have to pick up some things to take them to the dry cleaners. Daphne and I go on vacation next week, I want to get a few things spruced up. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE HEARS NILES' VOICE AND THINKS HE IS CALLING UP TO HER AS HE KNOWS SHE WAS GOING TO BE THERE THAT MORNING COLLECTING THE SUITCASE AND DID SAY THAT MAYBE HE'D SEE HER THERE. SHE WALKS TO THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR AND IS ABOUT TO EXIT WHEN SHE HEARS ROZ'S VOICE 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Dear God what happened to your kitchen? The great fondue incident of two thousand and one? It looks as if you used a flamethrower on your Crème Brule instead of a blowtorch. 

DAPHNE FACIAL EXPRESSION QUICKLY CHANGES FROM ONE OF PURE JOY AT THE DISCOVERY OF THE DRAGON AND THINKING NILES WAS THERE TO SEE HER TO ONE OF BEING UTTERLY DISTRAUGHT THAT ROZ IS ONCE AGAIN WITH HIM AND ONCE AGAIN MAKING HER SUSPICIONS RUN WILD 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND ROZ BOTH STAND LOOKING INTO THE KITCHEN, WHICH IS BLACK ALL OVER FROM THE FIRE 

NILES 

Small explosions happen in ovens all the time. Martha Stewart is forever appearing in public with singed bangs and no eyebrows. In fact it's started a new trend among rebellious teenagers. 

ROZ 

Easy Bake Ovens are the worst for explosions. Most children are lucky to get past the pre-school age without blowing themselves up with one. One of my muffins got embedded so far into the ceiling that it was still there when my parents sold the house. 

NILES 

You had an Easy Bake Oven? 

ROZ 

What can I say? I like things that are easy. 

NILES 

Evidently. You seem to have modelled yourself after it. I'm sorry that one even surprised me. I'm going to sort my clothes for the dry cleaners. 

ROZ 

I'll help. We must have you looking presentable for the future in-laws. Do you have a bulletproof vest? I have a feeling you're going to need one. We'll have to get you a T-shirt made, 'Please help me remove this stick from my ass.' 

THEY BOTH START TO DESCEND THE STAIRS 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 

DAPHNE HEARS THEM BOTH COMING AND BEGINS TO PANIC. SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BUT DOESN'T WANT TO BE SEEN. SHE QUICKLY SHUTS THE OPEN CUPBOARD DOOR AND MOVES THE CHAIR BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL POSITION. SHE THEN OPENS UP THE SUITCASE AND PUTS THE DRAGON INSIDE BEFORE CLOSING IT AGAIN AND RUSHES TO THE DOOR 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

(OFF STAGE) You're going on a beach vacation you need at least one Hawaiian shirt. Otherwise you'll just look a freak. You must have at least one somewhere in here. 

DAPHNE'S EXIT IS BLOCKED AS NILES AND ROZ ARE HEARD IN NILES' BEDROOM AND HEADING HER WAY. SHE OPENS UP A CUPBOARD DOOR NEAREST TO HER (WATCH 'WHINE CLUB', IT'S THE ONLY CUPBOARD THAT DOESN'T HAVE A GLASS PANEL ON THE DOOR) AND EXITS INTO IT, HIDING ALONG WITH THE SUITCASE SO THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THAT SHE WAS THERE. NILES AND ROZ ENTER. ROZ IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP AND SITS ON THE ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM 

NILES 

This may come as a surprise to you Roz but I'm not Magnum PI you know. 

ROZ 

I know that, he was rugged and handsome, you're well...not. 

NILES 

Thankyou so much dear. 

ROZ 

Dear God does your dressing room have a horizon? 

NILES 

It's not that big. 

ROZ 

Niles if it had a bathroom you could sub-let. I've never been in here before. 

NILES 

Have you not? 

ROZ 

No, we've never made it this far. There have always been other distractions. 

NILES OPENS UP THE CUPBOARD THAT DAPHNE HAPPENS TO BE HIDING IN AND SHE FALLS OUT AND ONTO THE FLOOR, SENDING THE SUITCASE FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM, NOT TO MENTION SCARING NILES AND ROZ TO DEATH BEFORE MAKING THEM LOOK AND ACT EXTREMELY GUILTY 

NILES 

Daphne what are you doing? Here let me help you. 

NILES HELPS HER UP OFF THE FLOOR 

DAPHNE 

(GUILTILY) Getting a suitcase like I said I was going to. What do you think I was doing? Planting some marijuana ready for a Police bust? 

ROZ 

Then what were you doing in the cupboard? Playing hide and go seek? 

DAPHNE 

I find it comforting. Sitting in a dark confined room. 

NILES 

Since when? 

DAPHNE 

Since I got locked in an aeroplane toilet on a long haul flight and the light bulb went out. I was alone for hours with just a packet of peanuts and a smell that the previous occupant had left me. 

NILES 

You never mentioned this before. 

ROZ 

And with good reason. Sanatorium commitment papers have been known to end a fair amount of long-term relationships. 

DAPHNE 

It's my private fetish why should I tell you? 

NILES 

I thought we told each other everything. I told you about the gorilla suit thing. 

DAPHNE SUDDENLY REALISES THAT SHE HAS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT AND THAT IT SHOULD BE NILES AND ROZ ACTING THIS WAY 

DAPHNE 

That's right we do. So what are you two doing here? 

NILES AND ROZ BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER FROM EACH OTHER'S EYES BEFORE SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME 

ROZ/NILES 

I wanted to borrow a pair of his pants/Roz wants to learn the fundamental theories of Jung 

THEY ONCE AGAIN BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT WHILE DAPHNE STARES ON LOOKING MORE AND MORE UPSET. THEY ONCE AGAIN BOTH SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME 

ROZ/NILES (CONT'D) 

That's right I wanted to know about Jung/You know how much Roz likes men's pants. 

NILES (CONT'D) 

It's complicated. 

DAPHNE 

Obviously or you wouldn't be having such a hard time telling me about it. 

ROZ 

I just love the material men's pants are made from. 

NILES 

So since I had the morning free and Roz was so desperate, I thought I'd give her one. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOCKED) I beg your pardon. 

NILES 

(REALISING WHAT HE'S JUST SAID) Pants. Give her one pair of pants. That's all I can spare. 

ROZ 

Then he's going to teach me about Jung. 

DAPHNE 

I bet he is. Well you both seem like you're going to be awfully busy so I'll go. 

ROZ 

I really think I'm going to have my hands full. 

DAPHNE 

Think again. 

DAPHNE EXITS WITH THE SUITCASE SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE LEANS UP THE CLOSED DOOR FOR A MOMENT, WITH HER HAND COVERING HER MOUTH AND TEARS STREAKING DOWN HER CHEEKS. SHE THEN TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND EXITS THROUGH THE BEDROOM DOOR INTO THE HALLWAY 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 

NILES AND ROZ REMAIN WHERE WE LEFT THEM 

NILES 

Well that went well don't you think? 

ROZ 

What conversation were you listening to? Or were you off in your own little dream world? There's no way she bought that. Compared to that saying we were about to go skydiving with a leprechaun dressed, as an epileptic unicorn in heat would have been more plausible. 

NILES 

Do you really think so? 

ROZ 

What are you insane? 

NILES 

This current situation is sending me that way yes. It's times like this I'm glad I can self medicate. 

NILES SLIDES DOWN ONE OF THE CUPBOARD DOORS AND ENDS UP IN A LITTLE BALL ON THE FLOOR AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL IS THE NEW TOILET BRUSH HOLDER' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Martin, Daphne, Roz) 

DAPHNE SITS AT THE DINNING TABLE STARING AT THE DRAGON THAT SITS IN THE MIDDLE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

Hello Daph. What are you doing? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing, just thinking. How are you feeling? You still look a bit peaky. 

MARTIN 

I'm feeling like I may never eat again to prevent it from ever happening again. Actually I'm a little better then I did yesterday. I can't say the same for my bowel though. That's had a far worse time. 

DAPHNE 

We're heading into a need to know area and I don't need to know about you're bowel, I was thinking about eating later. 

MARTIN 

Suit yourself. I was only trying to educate you. 

DAPHNE 

That's a lesson I can do with out thankyou very much like how to disembowel a chicken or skin a ferret with a meat cleaver. The things they don't teach you in school, well they didn't in England, and God knows what they teach you over here. 

MARTIN 

Now I'm heading into a need to know area. 

DAPHNE 

Do you want something to drink? 

MARTIN 

Thanks, just a beer. 

DAPHNE 

A beer? Are you sure that's wise? 

MARTIN 

Absolutely. If it makes me feel worse, it'll be worth it for a while. It's the same as volunteering for science experiments, the money's worth it until you start to grow a hand from your forehead and some sort of tail from your nipple. The things I did to pay for my kids to go to college. 

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY SITS IN HIS CHAIR. DAPHNE RE-ENTERS WITH A BEER AND A PUZZLED LOOK ON HER FACE 

DAPHNE 

Why is there a roll of toilet paper in the fridge? You're not starting to loose your marbles are you? It's hard enough having a conversation with you now. 

MARTIN 

Why do you think it's in there? 

DAPHNE 

It's not one of Dr. Crane's new delicacy's I presume. He'll freak out if he sees this. You know what he's like about food in the bathroom. Do you have any idea what his reaction will be to the bathroom in the fridge? 

MARTIN 

Well it's beginning to hurt. I thought it might help. And it's not as if I'm getting the water for the coffee machine from down the toilet and relieving myself in the fridge. 

DAPHNE 

Thank God the boys took after their mother. Can I talk to you about something? It's important. 

MARTIN 

Shouldn't you be talking with Frasier instead then? He's better at things like this then I am. He knows all the right words. I just know how to buy the right ice-cream. 

DAPHNE 

I need someone who isn't going to analyse and make fun of me. 

MARTIN 

Point taken. Sure, what is it? 

DAPHNE 

I think Niles is having an affair. 

MARTIN 

(TRIES TO LAUGH) What? Daphne don't be ridiculous. 

DAPHNE 

I'm not. I seriously think that he's having an affair with... this is so hard to say. With Roz. 

MARTIN 

Roz? Now I know you've been drinking some sort of drain cleaner. It's melted your brain and sent you screwy. 

DAPHNE 

Just hear me out. Have you noticed how much time they're spending together recently? If I didn't know any better I'd say they were handcuffed together. 

MARTIN 

Daphne I've spent about ninety percent of the last twenty-fours hours sitting on the toilet asking God what I've done to deserve this stomach bug, so no I haven't. 

DAPHNE 

He abandoned me at our anniversary dinner to go to a bar with her for a drink. At least that's what he bumbled around and eventually made up. He had trouble thinking up a good lie. I'm surprised he didn't say he was in the park poking a badger with a wooden spoon. 

MARTIN 

Don't jump to conclusions Daph. Maybe he was just suffering from some memory loss and couldn't remember what they did or maybe he blacked out. 

DAPHNE 

Then there was yesterday morning. They were having a bonding day? They despise one another except for when they're hurling insults. And Niles went to an aerobics class? Niles breaks out into a sweat at the thought of breaking out into a sweat. Then yesterday afternoon I called him at his office and she's there again. We didn't go out last night because he was taking her to the zoo. Does this sound normal? 

MARTIN 

Well they have been getting closer recently. But it's just friendship that's all. 

DAPHNE 

She was in his bedroom this morning. They couldn't have looked any guiltier if I'd have actually caught them with his pants around his ankles trying to maintain his balance on the island. 

MARTIN 

Daphne this is crazy talk. Niles has been in love with you since the moment he laid eyes on you. He's no more capable of having an affair then... 

DAPHNE 

You wife was? 

MARTIN LOOKS VERY UPSET AT THIS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that. I apologise. But what about Lilith being capable of having an affair for that matter? At least an underground Eco-pod was a plausible excuse. 

MARTIN 

I know this looks a bit incriminating, but I'll put money on there being another reason behind it. 

MARTIN GETS UP FROM HIS CHAIR 

DAPHNE 

So what do I do now? 

MARTIN 

Talk to him. Call him. You'll see nothing's going on. Trust me. (TO HIMSELF) At least it better not be or I'll kill him. 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM. DAPHNE SITS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE PICKING UP THE PHONE AND DIALLING NILES' APARTMENT. 

ROZ 

(OVER THE PHONE) Hello? Hello? There's no one there. 

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE, BEFORE SLUMPING IN MARTIN'S CHAIR AND STARTS TO SOB TO HERSELF AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Roz, Niles, Frasier, Chuck, Lois) 

FRASIER SITS DRINKING HIS COFFEE AS NILES AND ROZ ENTER

ROZ 

I really need to teach you how to lie properly. Life will be so much easier for you. And it'll save you one of these days from having a complete mental meltdown and saying you were late home from work because a burglar duct taped your to the ceiling fan when you were actually in the wine shop with Frasier. Or doing something equally as wild like attending an Oboe recital when you should be meeting up with Daphne and her drunken friends. 

NILES 

You're the one who said you wanted to borrow a pair of my pants. Why in God's name would you want to do that? I think she knew you weren't about to star in a revival of Victor/Victoria. Anyway don't you keep a pair of pants from every man that you sleep with as a token and as a reminder of nights you can't remember? I bet you've got enough now to clothe the entire United States Air Force. Or rather most of them come from the armed forces. Learning about Jung was far more plausible. 

ROZ 

Hello I'm Roz Doyle I don't believe we've met. Why would I give a rat's ass about Jung when I switch off the moment Frasier mentions Freud on the show? 

NILES 

You could have suddenly had an interest in furthering your education, to impress a new beau, to start to analyse your own behaviour, to be more interesting at parties, to be able to answer more questions on 'Who Wants To be A Millionaire' how the hell should I know? I was nervous, it was still better then borrowing a pair of my pants. I'm just thankful you didn't say a pair of my underwear. 

FRASIER 

Do I want to know what's going on? 

NILES 

Not really. 

NILES AND ROZ SIT DOWN WITH FRASIER AS LOIS ENTERS

FRASIER 

Fair enough. Oh my God. It's Lois. 

ROZ 

Lois? Well go and get her Clark. Or does she know your secret identity is Superman? What's you super hero power? The ability to bore people to death? 

NILES 

Who on earth is Lois? 

FRASIER 

She's the women who's head I set on fire. Look the edge is still singed. Dear God you'd have thought she'd have changed wigs or at least glued a dead squirrel on her head to patch up the holes. 

ROZ 

Who's next on your dating list? Vikki Vale? Mary-Jane? 

FRASIER 

I have no idea what you're talking about. (SHOUTS) Hello Lois. 

THE MOMENT LOIS SEES WHO IS CALLING HER A LOOK OF PANIC AND FEAR COMES ACROSS HER FACE AND SHE RUNS AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

Oh yes I can see that you've dated her now. That panic stricken expression gives it away every time. That and the ever so slightly glossy glaze to her eyes. She's obviously on an extreme amount of sedatives. 

ROZ 

And she's quick as well. Look at her go. Like a whippet in heat. 

NILES 

Who knew a woman could run into the bathroom at such speed? 

FRASIER 

She might need it urgently. 

NILES 

Possibly. But then again women will go to all sorts of extremes to avoid you so I wouldn't put money on it. And those are just the ones that you don't set fire to. 

FRASIER 

She's just a little shy. 

ROZ 

And probably climbing out of the bathroom window as we speak before you set your flamer thrower on her. 

FRASIER 

It was an accident. It's not as if I was trying to start a campfire on her head out of spite. She'll be out in a moment I know she will. I feel as though I should offer to take her out one more time just to apologise. 

NILES 

I don't think she's interested Frasier. 

FRASIER 

How can you tell? 

NILES 

Because she's just run past the window outside. 

ROZ 

Never underestimate the appeal of the bathroom window escape. 

NILES 

It worked for Daphne. 

FRASIER GETS UP AND RUNS TO THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Lois! Don't run away, I won't hurt you. 

ROZ 

Just let me gesture a little too violently and knock this scolding cup of coffee down your blouse before I impale you with the coat stand. 

FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN 

FRASIER 

That's not even the slightest bit amusing. Let's turn this conversation towards something more important have you produced that ring yet? 

ROZ 

No. 

FRASIER 

What's taking so long? 

ROZ 

There's too much pressure to deliver to start with. Things seize up when I'm nervous. 

NILES 

I knew we should have bought more Ex-Lax. 

ROZ 

Oh my God, that's what's wrong with Martin and Eddie. You tried to give me a tonne of laxative. (REALISING) The chocolate. 

NILES 

And? What's your point? It would have done you good to have your system completely cleared out. Some people pay fortunes for it. 

ROZ STARTS TO SLAP BOTH FRASIER AND NILES 

FRASIER 

Don't you think it's time that you just tell Daphne what's been going on and propose? 

NILES 

I don't want to do that. I don't want her to know where the ring's been. Would you want to have it on your finger for the rest of your life knowing that? 

FRASIER 

Now you mention it, no I wouldn't. In fact I'd wear a rubber glove to propose in if I were you. 

NILES 

Exactly. 

ROZ 

Hey! 

NILES 

Although after the incident this morning, she knows something is going on. Maybe I should just propose without the ring in case she gets the wrong end of the stick. 

FRASIER 

I would. Then after you've proposed just tell her that the ring is on order and your expecting a special delivery any time now. 

ROZ 

Even if you go there and propose she's still going to want to know what's been going on. 

NILES 

You're right. I just might as well confess to everything. OK, I'm going to do it. I'm charged here. I'm going to propose, I am. Come on Roz. 

THEY BOTH STAND TO LEAVE 

FRASIER 

She can't go with you. 

ROZ 

How I love men fighting over me. Or in your case men substitutes. But men substitutes would be women. How nice it is to have a couple of doily's fighting over me. 

NILES 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

Because we have a show to do. I'll blow myself up if I try to do it all on my own. I can barely pay attention to the people whining on the other end of the phone when that's all I have to do. 

NILES 

Can't you get someone else? I'll need Roz to back up my story. 

CHUCK ENTERS AND WALKS UP BEHIND FRASIER 

FRASIER 

Like who for example? 

ROZ 

Chuck. 

FRASIER 

There is no way I'm using that man he... 

ROZ 

Chuck how are you? 

CHUCK 

Just fine Woz. 

FRASIER BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY 

ROZ 

That's good to hear. 

CHUCK 

Dr. Cwane, why are you waughing? 

FRASIER 

No reason. 

NILES 

Well we should be leaving. Chuck I think Frasier has something he would like to ask you. 

CHUCK 

All wighty. 

NILES AND ROZ EXIT AS FRASIER CRINGES AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

TITLE CARD: 'MORE INNUENDO'S THEN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Martin, Niles, Roz, Daphne) 

MARTIN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES AND ROZ ENTER BUT NOT QUITE INTO THE ROOM AS MARTIN BLOCKS THE DOOR 

MARTIN 

(COLDLY) Oh it's you. What do you want? 

NILES 

To see Daphne. 

MARTIN 

Haven't you got a picture of her you can look at? 

NILES 

Well yes, but you know looking at the real thing is even better. Are you going to let us in through this door or do we have to climb the side of the building and enter through the terrace door? Because if that's the case I really must go home and get my safety harness and suction cups. 

MARTIN 

I guess I'll have to. 

MARTIN MOVES AWAY FROM THE DOOR AND ALLOWS NILES AND ROZ IN THE ROOM 

NILES 

Dad what's wrong? Did I accidentally kick Eddie last time I was here and not notice? I don't remember seeing him fly across the room. 

MARTIN 

Nothing's wrong. 

NILES 

Did someone drink your last can of beer? Set fire to your chair? What? 

MARTIN 

No. Nothing. 

ROZ 

Something is obviously wrong. 

MARTIN 

Yeah but not with me. 

MARTIN HEADS TOWARDS HIS ROOM 

NILES 

Where are you going? 

MARTIN 

Back to bed. I'm sick. (SHOUTS) Daphne, Niles is here. 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM 

ROZ 

Are you happy? That could have been me. I could have felt that bad. 

NILES 

Well then you shouldn't have... 

ROZ 

If I hear that once more I'll cut out your tongue and eat it. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

NILES 

How about you just leave my tongue alone right now. 

DAPHNE 

What are you two doing here? 

NILES GETS DAPHNE TO SIT ON THE COUCH WHILE HE SITS OPPOSITE HER ON THE TABLE AND ROZ SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR 

NILES 

Daphne honey take a seat. There's something that I need to talk to you about. This is so hard to say because it's so long over due. I have a bit of a confession to make. Now this may come as a surprise and a shock but... 

DAPHNE 

Save it I already know what's been going on. 

ROZ 

(SURPRISED) You already know? 

NILES 

How did you find out? 

DAPHNE 

Do you honestly think that I'm stupid? 

NILES 

I was rather hoping that you'd be oblivious to the fact. I was all ready to confess everything but there's no need now. This is great. 

DAPHNE BEGINS TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY 

DAPHNE 

So you're admitting it. It's true? You're not even going to weasel your way out of it? 

NILES 

There's no point if you already know. I was going to lie to you about it and hope you never found out but Frasier convinced me to tell the truth. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOCKED) Dr. Crane knows about this as well. 

ROZ 

Yeah, he was there watching when it happened. In fact he helped pin my down. 

DAPHNE 

That's disgusting. 

NILES 

Well I guess it all depends on what angle you look at it from. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) How could you? 

NILES 

(POINTING AT ROZ) It's not my fault she did it. 

DAPHNE 

(TO ROZ) I thought you were my friend. 

ROZ 

Well I'm sorry but it was just so damn tempting I just had to wrap my tongue around it the moment I saw it. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) What? 

ROZ 

He's the one that had it out on display for all to see. If you do that you expect these things to happen. He should learn to put things away when he's finished using them. 

NILES TRIES TO HUG DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Don't touch me. (SHOUTS) I can't believe you did this. 

NILES 

Don't blame me who knew she could fit so much in her mouth without choking? 

DAPHNE SLAPS HIM ACROSS HIS FACE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What are you getting so upset with me for. I was looking the other way when she just rammed it in her mouth. By the time I'd got my breath back and was about to stop her she'd already swallowed. There was nothing that I could do then but wait until she's got it out of her system. 

DAPHNE SLAPS HIM ACROSS HIS FACE ONCE AGAIN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Stop hitting me. It won't go on for much longer. 

DAPHNE 

You mean you're admitting it and it's not even over? 

ROZ 

Yes, why do you mind? 

NILES 

Daphne believe me, it won't go on for much longer. I'll be done with her as soon as I get what I want. 

DAPHNE SLAPS HIM YET AGAIN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne my cheek is starting to go numb. What are you getting so upset for? 

DAPHNE 

If you can't understand that I think you should leave right now. (SHOUTS) I can't even look at you right now. 

NILES 

Daphne... 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) Just leave. 

NILES 

Well fine, if you don't even want to listen to my apologies then I'll just go. I only lied to you to save you from the scaring imagery of knowing where it's been. 

DAPHNE 

I don't want to hear any of the sordid details. Just leave. And don't hurry back. I may never forgive you for this. 

NILES 

Come on Roz. 

NILES AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND EXITS INTO HER ROOM AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(J) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Martin, Daphne) 

MARTIN LIES IN BED WITH A RATHER CONCERNED LOOK ON HIS FACE AS DAPHNE ENTERS IN TEARS AND SITS ON THE EDGE OF HIS BED 

MARTIN 

Daphne are you OK? I heard yelling. You were screaming so hard I thought you might drop a lung. 

DAPHNE 

No I'm not OK. I'm leaving. 

MARTIN 

Well take your raincoat with you. The weather guy says we should expect some rain. (TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD) Which means get your gondolas out. I guess that means Frasier will be singing in Italian more then usual. I know we'll order in tonight so you don't have to cook anything. You can put your feet up and relax. 

DAPHNE 

And that'll please Dr. Crane ordering junk food. (A BEAT) I mean I'm leaving Seattle. 

MARTIN 

What? 

DAPHNE 

I've called the airport, there's a plane with a few of empty seats that leaves in a couple of hours that will take me as far as Chicago. I have to get a connection from there back to Manchester. 

MARTIN 

But why? 

DAPHNE 

They've just admitted it. They just stood in front of me and admitted it as calm as anything. 

DAPHNE BEGINS TO CRY EVEN HARDER AND MARTIN HUGS HER 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

He wasn't even sorry he just kept blaming Roz. He didn't even have a reason for why he's done it. He's broken my heart into so many pieces and he doesn't even care. I loved him so much. 

MARTIN 

Now don't do anything hasty. Let's just think about this. 

DAPHNE 

I have thought about this. 

MARTIN 

Then please sleep on it. Things always look better in the morning. 

DAPHNE 

I wish I could. He's cheated on me a year after we got together. When we should have been celebrating our anniversary he was with her. I can't be around him right now. I want to go home. 

MARTIN 

Daphne please don't. I don't know what I'll do without you. What any of us will do without you. You're practically my daughter please don't leave. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry but me minds made up. 

MARTIN 

Well you call me as soon as you land. Let me know that you're all right. 

DAPHNE 

I'll write as soon as I get there. I don't want to phone in case he's here. 

MARTIN 

Well make sure that you do. 

DAPHNE 

I promise as soon as I get home. 

MARTIN 

But this is your home. 

DAPHNE 

Not any more. 

MARTIN 

I love you Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

I love you too Mr. Crane. 

DAPHNE GETS UP AND GOES TO EXIT 

MARTIN 

Are you ever going to call me Martin? 

DAPHNE 

I hoped I would, but not now. 

AS DAPHNE EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(K) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MARTIN'S ROOM — EARLY EVENING — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles) 

MARTIN REMAINS LYING IN BED AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

That was probably the most tortuous three hours of my life. Chuck couldn't say anything without it making me descend into giggles. It didn't help the fact that I had three narcoweptic's call in. And yet he gets more jobs as MC at benefit dinners then I do. Sometimes I just don't understand the world today. 

MARTIN 

Why was he producing your show? 

FRASIER 

Because Roz was with Niles. 

MARTIN 

Oh yeah. Wasn't there a chimp you could use? 

FRASIER 

So how are you feeling? Dad have you been crying? I thought the toilet paper in the freezer would stop this. That's the only reason I let you keep it in there. 

MARTIN 

It's Daphne. 

FRASIER 

Has she made you do your exercises when you felt this bad? Where is she? Her Hitler attitude towards your exercises used to be quite amusing but not when you feel so bad. 

MARTIN 

Daphne's left. 

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? 

MARTIN 

Niles and Roz have been having an affair. 

FRASIER 

Don't be ridiculous. 

MARTIN 

There came here and admitted it to her. 

FRASIER 

They what? 

MARTIN 

They confessed. But she already had her suspicions. 

FRASIER 

That's not what they were confessing to. They've been spending so much time together because Roz ate the engagement ring Niles bought for Daphne. He's just been waiting to get it back. 

MARTIN 

What? 

FRASIER 

He's been trying to propose for weeks, and then Roz ate the ring. The doctor at the emergency room said to just wait for it to come out naturally. So we tried to give her some Ex-Lax. 

MARTIN 

Oh my God that's what's wrong with Eddie and me. 

FRASIER 

It'll teach you to keep your hands to yourself. Just be thankful I didn't buy the extra strong brand. You'd have had no internal organs left if I had. 

MARTIN 

Oh no! 

FRASIER 

Oh relax, I'm sorry all right. You'll be fine tomorrow. At least you know now that Eddie isn't some sort of disease ridden, flea infested beast. Well we do actually know that, but the point is you didn't catch anything off him. 

MARTIN 

No you don't understand. Daphne's left. She's going home. She's gone to the airport. 

FRASIER 

What? 

MARTIN 

She thought they were having an affair. She thought they'd admitted it to her and they had a huge fight. She's going home. 

FRASIER 

Why didn't you call me? 

MARTIN 

You were doing your show and nothing would have changed her mind. 

FRASIER 

The truth might have. I've got to call Niles. 

FRASIER GETS OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(ON THE PHONE) Niles. Daphne's gone. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

NILES IS STANDING BY THE DOOR JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE WITH HIS PHONE 

NILES 

She's not here, she told me she couldn't even look at me. I'm so hurt right now. I thought she would have understood but all she did was scream and slap me. I knew it was a mistake to tell her the truth. 

FRASIER 

(OVER THE PHONE) Niles, Daphne thinks you and Roz are having an affair. That's what she thought you were confessing. 

NILES 

Oh my God. Please tell me you set her straight. I'll be right over there. 

FRASIER 

(OVER THE PHONE) No Niles. 

NILES 

I want to see her. 

FRASIER 

(OVER THE PHONE) She's not here. She's gone to the airport to go back to Manchester. 

NILES 

What? 

FRASIER 

(OVER THE PHONE) She left while I was doing my show. If you're quick you may be able to catch her and explain. 

NILES' SHOCKED EXPRESSION SHOWS IT ALL 

NILES 

OK I'm going. 

FRASIER 

(OVER THE PHONE) Flight AA24. Dad and I will meet you there now get going. 

NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND RUNS OUT OF HIS OFFICE AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(L) 

TITLE CARD: 'HE WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT IF THERE WAS A TINY MAN STRAPPED TO HIS BACK' 

FADE IN: 

INT. AIRPORT BOARDING AREA — EVENING — DAY/3   
(Roz, Niles, Frasier, Martin) 

NILES AND ROZ ENTER THROUGH THE SECURITY SCANNER AND BEGIN TO RUN TOWARDS THE GATE. NILES ONCE AGAIN IS RUNNING IN HIS RATHER BIZARRE MANNER WITH HIS ARMS FLYING AROUND IN THE AIR 

ROZ 

Niles you run like some sort of constipated crab. 

NILES 

I'd shoot one right back at you, but I'm a little preoccupied. 

THEY CONTINUE TO RUN THROUGH THE AIRPORT FOLLOWING THE SIGNS TO THE GATE WHERE HER PLANE WAS TO LEAVE FROM 

ROZ 

Turn left. Gate K4. 

NILES DOES AS ROZ SAYS AND RUNS DOWN THE LEFT HAND SIDE. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ISLE THERE IS A WOMAN WHO SETS HER BAGS DOWN NEXT TO HER ON THE FLOOR AS SHE BENDS DOWN TO TIE HER SHOE LACE. NILES AND ROZ RUN TOWARDS HER AT FULL SPEED WITH NILES LEADING. HE HEADS STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE WOMAN BUT SOMEHOW MANAGES TO JUMP OVER HER AND HER BAGS AND KEEPS GOING. ROZ ON THE OTHER HAND IS NOT SO LUCKY AND FALLS OVER HER BAGS AND ENDS UP IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR. NILES HEARING THE COMMOTION STOPS AND TURNS. 

ROZ 

What are you doing? Get going I'll catch you up. 

NILES OBEDIENTLY DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND CARRIES ON TOWARDS THE GATE AT THE VERY END. WHEN HE ARRIVES NO ONE IS THERE AND THE PLANE HAS ALREADY LEFT THE GATE. HE IMMEDIATELY GOES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT. THERE ARE SEVERAL PLANES WAITING TO TAKE OFF AND HE JUST STARES AFTER THEM NOT KNOWING WHICH ONE SHE'LL BE ON. FINALLY AS ROZ ALONG WITH FRASIER AND MARTIN APPROACH HE SITS DOWN AND PLACES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. ROZ WALKS TOWARDS HIM TO COMFORT HIM BUT NILES JUST WAVES HER AWAY WANTING TO BE LEFT ALONE. ROZ DOES AS SHE IS TOLD AND MOVES AWAY TO STAND WITH FRASIER AND MARTIN. ROZ, FRASIER AND MARTIN JUST STARE AT HIM FOR A MOMENT, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY BEFORE APPROACHING HIM. 

NILES 

What have I done? The most wonderful thing to ever happen in my rotten little existence and I blow it. 

FRASIER 

You haven't done anything and as soon as she realises that and how much you love her she'll be back. 

NILES 

But what if she doesn't? 

MARTIN 

Oh come on son, look at the bright side. 

NILES 

And that would be? 

MARTIN 

You hurdled that woman like a Kentucky Show horse. 

NILES, FRASIER AND ROZ JUST STARE AT HIM IN BEWILDERMENT. AS FRASIER WRAPS AN ARM AROUND NILES AND HELPS HIM OUT OF HIS SEAT AND ON THE LONG WALK BACK TO THE CAR WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS FRASIER'S DARKENED LIVING ROOM. THROUGH THE DARKNESS THE SHAPE OF NILES CAN BE MADE OUT LYING UNDER THE PIANO. 

END OF SEASON EIGHT 


End file.
